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    x Trevor x
  • x Trevor x
  • Author
  • 05/25/2018
  • 325 Words
  • 711 Views
  • 2 Comments
Poetry posted in this category are works of fiction. Names, places, characters, events, and incidents are created by the authors' imaginations or are used fictitiously. Any resemblances to actual persons (living or dead), organizations, companies, events, or locales are entirely coincidental.
Note: While authors are asked to place warnings on their stories for some moderated content, everyone has different thresholds, and it is your responsibility as a reader to avoid stories or stop reading if something bothers you. 

Inside The Mind Of Me - 7. Fading

Written June 1st 2013

Maybe I was never much but at least once I was something, at least once I had the hope to have a dream and at least once I did have a dream, well that was all shot straight to hell. Might as well have aimed a gun to that pretty, vivid, dream like paradise, I saw inside my head and blasted a bullet straight through it, rip the dream to reveal the ugly reality outside of it.

Then you find me as I start to lose myself with every emotional kick and punch, I find myself just wanting to lay there, wanting to just fade away from myself. I find myself wanting to go into a world where my vision blurs and I see but yet I don't see, a world where I can't feel, everything goes numb and time doesn't exist. And as I lay there I find myself drifting further and further away into peace and yet at the same time I'm not even aware of anything.

It's a place where I'm truly alone but that's okay because as I said, in this place I don't feel it, I'm not aware and I've learned if you have to be alone then it's better to truly be alone than to be alone in a crowd, alone in the center of a ring where you're frozen in a moment watching life happen around you while your own doesn't process within the confines of reality it's self.

 

The only time any interaction or contact occurs is when you could be of valuable use, like a device or a machine or an object and when you're not needed or you defy the way they want you to operate, you're nothing more than a thing to be treated with anger and abused before being put in a shelf, door closed, unseen.

You go from little to nothing and then you just want to fade away.

©Copyright (2008) (X Trevor X); All Rights Reserved."
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Poetry posted in this category are works of fiction. Names, places, characters, events, and incidents are created by the authors' imaginations or are used fictitiously. Any resemblances to actual persons (living or dead), organizations, companies, events, or locales are entirely coincidental.
Note: While authors are asked to place warnings on their stories for some moderated content, everyone has different thresholds, and it is your responsibility as a reader to avoid stories or stop reading if something bothers you. 
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x Trevor x
On 5/25/2018 at 12:23 PM, Okiegrad said:

I really don’t know what say.  It’s beautiful, but exceptionally sad and cruel.  I don’t know if this was a personal experience, or one you imagine based on how you see things.  Either way, a lot of pain and loneliness.  Hoping you feel love, acceptance, and support as you continue on your journey!

 

Thank you and I also agree, especially as I reflect on this one. All of them have, if not all of me, then some part of me and some have more parts than others. For me this was a very real experience. Imagine being raised in such a sheltered environment, you have suffered a great loss at a very young age and the person raising you shelters you and in a sense preserves your childhood for you even beyond its time, in a sense keeping you infantile in a way, trying to compensate for the loss.

 

So the only way you learn anything about life is through movies or television shows which don't entirely reflect every aspect of real life, and the details, the small details can get lost in the bigger plot. You form a dream in your head, and for you, because of all of this, the dream is very real. It's going to happen and it's going to come true, this is how it's going to be.

 

Then once you are out there, you find that nothing is what you thought it was, those tiny details suddenly matter so much more. Then the dream that you had for your life, it was created based on fictional reality and crushed by actual reality. That is pretty much what this is about and I completely agree that it is sad and very cruel and a hard thing to have to go through.

 

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