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x Trevor x

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About x Trevor x

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  1. Thanks for the comment lol, means a lot to have it read after so much time. This story is written in a very soap opera sort of way so it does take some more attention to detail. I think this is around the part with Melanie and the medication bottle, I had someone say they were confused at that point before lol. Thank you again so much for your comment! 😊
  2. x Trevor x


    Thank you and I also agree, especially as I reflect on this one. All of them have, if not all of me, then some part of me and some have more parts than others. For me this was a very real experience. Imagine being raised in such a sheltered environment, you have suffered a great loss at a very young age and the person raising you shelters you and in a sense preserves your childhood for you even beyond its time, in a sense keeping you infantile in a way, trying to compensate for the loss. So the only way you learn anything about life is through movies or television shows which don't entirely reflect every aspect of real life, and the details, the small details can get lost in the bigger plot. You form a dream in your head, and for you, because of all of this, the dream is very real. It's going to happen and it's going to come true, this is how it's going to be. Then once you are out there, you find that nothing is what you thought it was, those tiny details suddenly matter so much more. Then the dream that you had for your life, it was created based on fictional reality and crushed by actual reality. That is pretty much what this is about and I completely agree that it is sad and very cruel and a hard thing to have to go through.
  3. Maybe I was never much but at least once I was something, at least once I had the hope to have a dream and at least once I did have a dream, well that was all shot straight to hell. Might as well have aimed a gun to that pretty, vivid, dream like paradise, I saw inside my head and blasted a bullet straight through it, rip the dream to reveal the ugly reality outside of it. Then you find me as I start to lose myself with every emotional kick and punch, I find myself just wanting to lay there, wanting to just fade away from myself. I find myself wanting to go into a world where my vision blurs and I see but yet I don't see, a world where I can't feel, everything goes numb and time doesn't exist. And as I lay there I find myself drifting further and further away into peace and yet at the same time I'm not even aware of anything. It's a place where I'm truly alone but that's okay because as I said, in this place I don't feel it, I'm not aware and I've learned if you have to be alone then it's better to truly be alone than to be alone in a crowd, alone in the center of a ring where you're frozen in a moment watching life happen around you while your own doesn't process within the confines of reality it's self. The only time any interaction or contact occurs is when you could be of valuable use, like a device or a machine or an object and when you're not needed or you defy the way they want you to operate, you're nothing more than a thing to be treated with anger and abused before being put in a shelf, door closed, unseen. You go from little to nothing and then you just want to fade away.
  4. How can we all appear so open, so happy, and so connected? It's as if time and technology are bringing us so close together when really, some of us are more lonely and disconnected than anyone could ever know, or admit to knowing. Why wouldn't one admit to knowing something that is as common as disconnection? Especially in our time. It's because if you admit to knowing we are disconnected, then all the hard work in trying to really connect falls apart, it is then that the superficial illusion is stripped away and the ugly truth behind the veil comes to be seen. The illusion and all the work taken to create it was for the sake of self preservation, a way to try to get close, to connect, without really taking the risk of true connection. It's kind of like a handshake from a distance, you can see each other, you can talk, but you can't reach each other and that simple form of bonding and the risk that person might grab you and stab you in the heart, the distance protects you. It's a fake and failed attempt to try and find the benefit of making each other happier because a lot of us are more lonely than some realize, and some of those lonely people, they rather lie than to accept the consequence of the flawed design. Because like life, this illusion allows rejection, the social make up of it might make the only truth about it, if you can't live up to the illusion, if you can't accept what little bit you get from it and contribute to it and live up to it, you will never belong, either because you don't know how or because you won't settle. Or simply because you break the rules by wanting more, the part of people that use this to protect themselves from having their vulnerabilities touched, the people that use this to avoid risk. We are all human, and this may or may not be true, but I think it's a real shocker that we are so afraid of each other.
  5. What is life if there is nothing to reach for? Not a goal, not a dream? Not a friend? Not a life? What is existing when it is merely existing just to be? When it is only because you are only afraid of what is beyond? When it is only because you know that you could never turn back if transcending is worse than merely being? It's nothing. It's reaching for something that's not there. Like a hunger, a human hunger to feel alive for a human is supposed to be alive so long as they exist here. Otherwise they could be left, all alone, abandoned, questioning their very purpose. It's a pain no one could imagine unless they experienced it for themselves. And the others, the ones around that have no idea, the ones that are completely clueless, they think you can just shake out of it, flip the switch, the light comes on and fights away the darkness. That's not how it works for like the sun rises, the sun sets, for like the light comes, the darkness comes. Like the eternal battle of good and evil, there must be light and dark. But what is one to do when they are stuck in this darkness that they can't climb their way out of? And then that is when you realize what you're reaching for. You're reaching for a light but that light's not there. You don't know why but where you are, when the sun rises, the suns light never breaks through to you and the day goes by and you never feel the warmth, always the constant coldness in the dark. And then you start to wonder if maybe that is where you belong for trying to belong anywhere else always fails? Maybe you were damned from the start? And then you just lose your words...and the emptiness sets in.
  6. Cody does offer a much needed good guy in Miracle's life, especially with all the bad guys in his life but really it's not so much good vs bad but rather a black and white with a spectrum of grey in between and all of the characters have their place in that spectrum, either right in the middle or leaning closer to the black or the white but it is also easy for these characters to change their places on this scale because they were written very much like Miracle, they have their own psychological issues and their own flaws and motives and intentions so it is a lot to play around with really. I also agree at this point he is handling situations better especially when you compare it to his actions in chapter 9. I think how he chose to handle the mess created at the party was a lot better and he avoided something even worse possibly happening. Self centered is a new perspective, the situation put into example, he didn't so much dump Jaemin in favor of Cody as he didn't look at Cody in that way but I think it was a decision made to step out of the situation completely and to explore his thoughts and feelings when no one else was around. He did go with Cody so as not to be completely alone but I think the choice was made solely on the fact that he just so happened to meet Cody and he was someone that wasn't tied into all the drama and the mess that had been created. I think there have been plenty of times where he may have put his feelings above others, I won't go into any kind of examples but this one really sticks out because it takes the cake. It was when Miracle out right expressed his attraction to Jaemin while in the process of slowly entering a relationship with Sterling and it had been Sterling that he had expressed this to, not at all considering how he felt about a comment like that which is a slap in the face to him. It's just that time that comes to mind the most but there are others, I'm sure. That is true, his motivation to sleeping with someone was either because he needed to forget emotional pain or he needed their love, he could like someone as a friend but when it comes to trying to get love through sex he doesn't care who it is and so really it's more of the fact that he's in love with the idea of being in love because he has truly never been in love. The twisted fantasy world David had created doesn't really count but it's the only experience he can draw from. David had done major damage as it resulted in him believing not just that sex would get him love but his understanding of love was far from realistic as he had essentially been made to feel like everything was about him and that his happiness was the ultimate goal and that it was all Disney wonderland filled with sugar and candy and I think it does mess up his understanding of a real loving relationship and that influences the way that he sees other people, he didn't have to be concerned about David, it was all about him, so that must be how it really works, that is his thought process and Jaemin only feeds to that. In the scene you mention, he thought he had obtained that perfect relationship and could not understand why he was experiencing anything other than good feelings and his reaction was to get away to try to understand it and to try to make some sense of himself and everything around him. It was a self centered reaction but it was influenced by how psychologically damaged he was. But! he's put himself first more than one time and not every single time can it be excused by his past, like the example I have given of the comment he made and to Sterling of all people while they were attempting to be together, that was very careless and while he had not always cared who it was that would love him it was in this instance that he had a preference and he voiced it to Sterling regardless.
  7. Thank you! This is where dramatic really begins! I hope you enjoy what is to come, it still amazes me how things begin to branch out and a spider web of sorts begins to form, everything connected in one way or another. 😉
  8. x Trevor x

    Chapter 6: Mixed

    Bipolar? That's quite possible. There are definitely some psychological issues going on here.
  9. Lol that is one of the greatest things I got out of writing this story and putting it out there. I used to do a lot of reading and the stories I read the protagonists were always the good guys, always did the right thing and were just generally very good. This is not to say Miracle is bad and the story is surrounding a villain but it expresses the flaws of human nature, that we all do things wrong sometimes and we're not all perfect and really the world is filled with many more shades of gray so the thing with this character was that he was made to be flawed and the challenge was for him to make mistakes and do some bad things without getting completely thrown in the villain category. Yes the protagonist destroyed an engagement back in Australia. Yes the protagonist stole his mothers credit card. Yes the protagonist blackmailed someone and it wasn't the first time he had black mailed someone. What makes the difference in all cases is the intentions, he is no stranger to being vindictive but in some cases he has taken steps to attempt to protect himself and despite these things, he is still a good person without having to be squeaky clean. I am really glad you brought that up, it was a thought that had crossed my mind as I knew I was writing a character that was very less than perfect compared to characters I read about in the past and that was part of the surprise to see how readers would react to these types of things and through out he never got placed in the villain category, his intentions and thought processes and his psyche were well understood, the good guys can be bad sometimes and do the wrong thing and have their moments where they just can't take the high road but that didn't necessarily make them evil. I was really happy to be able to do that and in a way most of the characters do find themselves in that grey area and they transition and change places and it really just all makes for an interesting story. 
  10. Does Miracle actually confuse sex with love? That is a good question, as I think of it now I think there is a process where he doesn't confuse sex and love but rather feels like sex is the way to obtain it so when it doesn't turn out like that it leads to incredible disappointment but rather than seeing that he went about it the wrong way he views it as the other persons preference not to want to be with him, for whatever their reason, he still goes on believing it will eventually be someones preference and that he will get the expected reaction at some point. Of course truth is if someone were going about it like that the chances are slim as they would likely run into a lot of the hook up type of people, which is what happened to him a lot in Australia where we see one of these exact encounters in chapter one. What is fortunate for him is that now he is connecting with people who are not exactly the take it and run type and while the reaction still might not be what he expected, connections are still being made in one form or another that begins to shake the pattern.
  11. One thing I could never do is write a sex scene the way someone else might want it written, that is something that has to come natural to the author, from the mind to the fingers and off into the story and part of it is preference and what an author is familiar with and also how it plays into the story surrounding it. Some people may like it and some may not and that is okay but it's a good thing if they do enjoy it! And yes that is pretty much where my mind was with the character Brad, he was very much based on a stereotype and then I thought, well lets kick it up a notch and have someone stand up to the jock. I mean so many assume that doing that would trigger a very bad reaction but then it could just as much be a possibility that bullies end up respecting people for standing up to them, in fact sometimes that could be their entire motivation and it's also possible they are not all straight either, some could even possibly be bisexual which makes this kind of situation very easy to happen. The only thing I regretted about this was the first time jump rather than exploring it more, like the way they progressed. They meet and have an encounter and then the time jump was thrown in and you get the result of how they were with each other just not so much the step by step progression but the result was interesting and I think entirely believable especially given the type of characters each of them were, I just think that the progression from where they started before the time jump to how they became after the time jump should have been explored. The early chapters are a reflection of my very early writing abilities from 2011 and then the story was picked back up in 2013 where the chapters became bigger and more things were fit in which I think turned out good, it had been my decision to flesh the chapters out a bit and there was definitely some growth in my writing in 2013 compared to 2011 and I really love how it all turned out, trust me it gets much better!
  12. Thank you for the compliments and I agree but the thing to remember is that every author has one thing in common, they are all new at some point. Not every story is perfect but when you see a lot of stories that don't seem so great, if anything else appreciate the effort because one day those same authors might put out something really great. It's like a game, we are all at different levels but we are all gaining experience points. I was really glad to have been able to make this story happen and so many good things came from it and the story, the readers, their advice, everything that came out of this gave me something valuable to keep close to me.
  13. x Trevor x


    The movie metaphor is a good one, I take a lot of inspiration from how movies are set up and so many have that type of beginning which is really either something much later or at the very end but you only see enough of it to realize you have to watch the whole movie to get there and see the bigger picture. Mostly because when i am writing I picture it as a movie in my head and figure out a way to translate that into a story, it seemed like a good hook but I don't think I realized how good it actually was until I put it out there and I am thankful for that.
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