The Year I Stopped Being Invisible - 29. Chapter 29

Tonight's the night we'll make history, honey, you and I

And I'll take any risk to tie back the hands of time

And stay with you here tonight

"I was feeling pretty weird about this whole thing," Taine said as he rolled back on his bed, looking up at the ceiling once more. "This whole you-me thing. I mean, I'm not gay. I don't think of boys that way, their bodies. I like girls with nice racks, nice asses...curves...boys don't do anything for me. But all of a sudden we're kissing, and cuddling and having sex with each other, and I really like it with you, I do, but I was confused. So I talked to my dad about it."

"You talked to Sly?" I was more than a little surprised. Taine was the last boy in the world to share his feelings easily, particularly about sex. Hell, this was the first conversation we were really having about sex, and I was astonished that he had spoken about his concerns with Sly, a man whom he still obviously had very mixed emotions towards because of the way he felt abandoned throughout his childhood.

"Yeah," said Taine. "I mean, he already knows about us, and I wouldn't feel comfortable talking to Linda, so my dad was pretty much the only one I could talk to. You're not mad, are you?"

"No, no, Babes, of course I'm not mad," I reassured him. "You should talk to Sly. He's your dad, and he wants to be a part of your life, and that means having these kinds of talks. I wish I could talk like that to Rex, you know?"

Taine seemed to take this in for a moment, processed it, and finally appeared to accept it before continuing with his story. I wanted to cuddle up next to him to listen, but considered the subject matter and decided to move a few inches back from him to give him some physical -- and
psychological -- space.

"Come here," he said, pulling me close to his chest, a slight tone of exasperation in his voice. "This isn't like that."

Needing no further encouragement, I snuggled into his arms to listen, feeling his heart beating beneath my ear as I rested my head gently on his chest.

"So, anyway," Taine continued, "I went over to him the other night while you were at home having your dream. He was out by the pool, drinking a margarita, like he usually does at night. I sat next to him in the deck chair to the side of his, and we just stared at the pool for a while, looking at the patterns in the lighted-up water against the darkened yard. Finally, my dad turns to me and says, 'something on your mind, Taine?' in that low, deep growl of his, just like that, you know how he does it...'something on your mind, Taine?'"

I smiled against his shirt. Taine certainly knew how to paint a picture with words. I felt like I was there with him as he continued his story...

* * * * *

TAINE'S STORY

So I said, "Yeah, Dad, there's something I'm kind of confused about."

And he kind of nods his head and sips his margarita, which had all these little crystals of salt all over the rim, and they kind of fall off into his lap a little bit while he's nodding his head, and I was feeling all knotted up and I wanted to hand him something to wipe them off but...I just kept talking while I had the nerve.

"It's about Ricky...Rick, I mean," I told him. "All this, I mean...what's been happening between us."

So my dad looks over at me and kind of smiles, and says, "You wanna know what it all means."

"Yeah," I admitted. "Being able to spend time with Rick and be around him is making me feel better about things than I've felt for a long time. I can be myself around him, or as much as I can be myself around anyone. But...I'm also feeling things when I'm with him, even when I just think about him, that I've never felt before. I'm a little confused. It's kind of scary, and I'm not sure what it really means, I mean...what it says about me."

So my dad, Sly...he pats me on the knee real dad-like and then he leans back in his deck chair. I kind of got the feeling that he was relieved to have a father-son talk with me that was actually about me. You know, not about him or my mom or any of that stuff that happened after my little sister died.

"Tainey," he says, and I hate when he calls me that but I didn't say anything, "you're fifteen. You're going to have crushes. You'll like a boy, you'll like a girl...the next day it'll be somebody new. While you're crushing on them, they will seem like the most important person in the world, and you'll think that you can't live without them. And then it's someone else. That's what being fifteen is."

I sighed, afraid that -- as usual -- he just wasn't getting it. But then he surprised me.

He paused, thought for a second, then said, "I think what you're saying to me is you have feelings for Rick, romantic feelings?"

I started to nod, then said softly, "Yes."

He nodded back. "These feelings are probably a little scary to you, but don't be scared. Be Rick's friend. Spend time with him, be good to each other, and what happens will happen. You'll either feel a spark, feel something more and decide you want to be together, or you'll be friends. Maybe you'll be best friends for the rest of your lives, maybe you won't. Things will work themselves out, and sometimes what that becomes will change over time."

He leaned forward in his deck chair then, looking at me intently. His voice was serious, and urgent.

"But experiencing them is something you need to do, Taine," he said. "Don't be afraid of life! It's got crazy highs and crazy lows, but if you don't let yourself be there for them, you'll regret it. Believe me."

I did believe him, and I knew what he was getting at, but I didn't want to think about that right then. I had something else I needed to ask him before I lost my nerve. Well, I thought, here it goes.

"But Dad, what if that means, well, might that mean I'm gay? What if we feel the same way about each other? What then?"

"That might happen," he said casually. "Sure, it could. Or you might just have a strong friendship. Seems like you win either way. Don't rob yourself of experiences because you're afraid of what could happen. If you're gay, you're gay. You can't change that if you are, but what you can do is decide that you're going to experience what life has to offer. Live your life, Taine. I don't want to see you avoiding life because you're afraid of how messy it might be...like I did...or for any other stupid reason."

I leaned over and hugged my dad, hard, and just held onto him for a minute. Then I pulled back and looked at him, finally seeing him for what seemed like the first time.

"Dad, thank you," I almost whimpered. "You have no idea what that means to me. You're there for me, and I really need that right now. You're right, I'm scared, scared of a lot of things. The kids at school, my own feelings, that Rick will get tired of me, how complicated this is going to be, whether I'll even feel the same things I'm feeling now next week. But one fear I won't have now is that you'll be upset or disappointed. Thanks. You're just the best. I love you, Dad."

"Me too, Taine. Hey, I want you to tell Rick tomorrow that he can spend the night, and when you do, you have the best time you can with him. He wants to be your friend, you can hear it in the way he talks to you. Let him be."

He smacked his knees with both hands and got up from his chair.

"Okay, that's enough advice for tonight. The office is closed. Now, how about some ice cream?"

* * * * *

"And so we went and ate some ice cream," Taine shrugged. "My Dad thinks ice cream is like medicine. But what he said was the real medicine."

He turned back on his side, and I adjusted my position to face him. There must have been some lingering concern in my eyes, because he got a similar look, holding me close and kissing me.

"I know," he said. "I know I didn't really tell him how strongly I feel about you. But I think he knew, and that was just his way of expressing what he needed to tell me. Listen, Ricky, the reason I'm telling you all this is to explain something to you. I was nervous, I was scared...I pushed you away. And I was even more scared after you made love to me on Sunday. With the kissing and the hugging, I could pretend we were just good friends...I could pretend that you didn't feel what you feel for me, or that I feel what I feel for you. But once we did all that...I couldn't pretend anymore."

He paused, looking deeply into my eyes, and all I saw there now was love.

"I can't pretend anymore," he said quietly. "That's why I talked to my Dad, and that's why I...uhm..."

"Fucked the hell out of me last night?" I giggled. "Babes, I have to hand it to you...when you make a decision, you don't do it halfway. You go all out."

"Or all in," Taine grinned naughtily, chomping theatrically at my neck as we laughed and rolled around on the bed, enjoying each other's closeness and intimacy.

Suddenly, he raised his head and became serious again.

"Ricky," he said, "there's one more thing I want to tell you before you go."

I sobered up and looked at him, a bit concerned by his tone.

"What is it, Babes?"

"Well," he said, "this isn't going to be easy. It's going to get out somehow, because I don't think we've been careful enough. I know you don't look around as much as I do to try to figure out what people are thinking, but they're already starting to look at me, and I don't think it has anything to do with what happened with Kevin. This is Texas, Ricky. I do love you. I really do, but I don't know if I can handle what might happen if everybody finds out. I don't know if I can do this at all if everybody finds out. Things are rough enough for me as they are."

His eyes suddenly looked very mature, very wise, and almost pleading with me to understand. I did, and took his hands in both of mine to assure him how seriously I took his concern.

I know you feel these are the worst of times

I do believe it's true

When people lock their doors and hide inside

"Taine," I said, my voice thick with emotion. "I love you more than anything or anyone in this entire world. I would never do anything to hurt you, or to cause you to be hurt. Look, I don't want to tell everybody either. Just because I might have known first, or took the initiative with you doesn't mean I'm Harvey Milk, running around and proclaiming our love from the rooftops. My mom doesn't even know, and that's the only reason I'm even going home tonight. Don't you think I would rather stay here with you?"

"I do," he said, "and I would really love that. But I just needed you to know..."

Rumor has it it's the end of Paradise

But I know, if the world just passed us by

Baby I know, you wouldn't have to cry, no, no

"I know," I said, and kissed him. "I promise you, Taine. The only people who know are people who need to know. That's Linda, our dads, and us. Okay?"

"Carter knows," Taine replied. "Do you think he'll get stoned and tell somebody? What if he tells Roger? Roger's still mad at you about that orgy you had with Kathy behind the elementary school."

"He won't say anything," I said emphatically. "It's just you and me, Babes. But if anyone does find out, I swear to you that I will handle it, and it will be okay."

Taine shook his head sadly.

"You can't promise that," he said. "I know how my life works, Ricky. This isn't going to be 'happily ever after.' I don't get those."

"You haven't gotten one yet," I corrected. "What do you think about trying to change that?"

The best of times are when I'm alone with you

Some rain some shine, we'll make this a world for two

Our memories of yesterday will last a lifetime

Taine just looked at me with a sad, faint smile. I could tell he wanted to believe me, wanted to believe in us, but with all of the bad breaks he'd had, he was finding it very difficult to have faith in anything.

"Well," he said at last, "we've come this far. I don't want to stop now."

He took me in his arms then, and I took him in mine, and together we made everything okay.

We'll take the best, forget the rest

And someday we'll find

These are the best of times

These are the best of times