Blueberry Muffin - 1. Chapter 1

"I'm sorry I'm so quiet, Jase. It's weird for me, too. This is the first time I've ever really struggled... to talk to you. I know, I don't need to be afraid. You would never make fun of me for the things I'd tell you. Heck, even when we were little, you were the one I'd talk to first, about anything. Do you remember when I was being an idiot and throwing our little plastic boomerang in the lounge room? That one Shay got us for our fifth birthday, do you remember? Oh, of course, you do. You never forget anything. I could point to any day on the calendar and you'd be able to tell me what we got up to then, whether it was an exciting day or one where we just hung out. ... Anyway, yes, shut up Dec and get to the point. Hahaha. I don't mean to ramble, Jase, it's just I'm so nervous talking to you again... I know I don't need to be, but... I can't help it. Oh, I'm doing it again! Hah... I'm sorry. I'll stop.

"Anyway, do you remember Mum's favourite vase on the stand by the back door? I always thought it was a bloody stupid place to put something like that vase. I know you felt the same way. Everyone did, except Mum. Well, I broke it, didn't I? You know me, useless bloody Dec, breaking everything I get close to. Well, I came right to you, because I already knew that you'd fix everything. You always have, haven't you, Jase? You're just... you're one of those special people that makes everything better. You made the world a better place... all the time. I mean, you didn't fix the vase. We were only five, I think. Maybe six? But I was bawling my eyes out, like the little sook I was, and you went and told Mum that you were the one who did it. Oh, she never forgave you for that. It was her most favourite thing in the world, it belonged to some old relative from her family who died. I understand now... what it must have been like for her... why she was so angry.

"Anyway, there I go rambling again. I'm pretty scattered today, I'm sorry. Yes, I already know what you're going to say. Shut up Declan, stop beating yourself up all the time. I can't seem to stop. Like with that vase, I never felt right about that. Why did you do that for me, Jase? I mean, Mum breathing down my neck for ages would suck, but I always felt bad that you had to pay for my mistake, you know? Mum has other vases now, and I haven't managed to break any of them. I suppose that's just as well because there is nobody to take the fall for me this time.

"I know you would take the blame for a hundred vases if you could... and if I could, I would stop you every time. You've always been far too good to me, Jase. I don't know what I did to deserve a brother like you... hah, I really don't. I mean, you always brought the apple and cinnamon muffin to our room the night before our birthday, even though you don't like them. You like blueberry, don't you? I know you wouldn't admit it, to protect my feelings, but it cuts both ways, I suppose. You can't lie to me, Jase, even if you wanted to.

"... ... ... I'm sorry I haven't been to see you for such a long time, Jase. I'm not going to give you excuses. Look, you've always known when I was trying to lie to you. I don't know how you do that. You're always a step ahead of me. To be honest Jase... I'm not even sure of it myself. I guess I feel like I'm bothering you, coming here and talking about how hard things are these days. Look at me, already starting to cry... I wouldn't blame you for being sick of me. Ahhhh. I'm sorry I'm such a wet blanket. I wanted to cheer you up, but once again, I've just turned into a bloody sook again. Why did you put up with me for so long? We're eighteen today, and you're still putting up with me. I would have told me to sling my hook a long time ago. Maybe if you did... I'd be here instead of you, and you'd be happy. Everyone would be happy. Even me.

"... ... ... I just need a minute, Jase. I'm sorry. ... I know this is meant to be a happy day. I don't mean to be such a misery guts all the time. You know, birthdays were always my favourite day of the year. I know a lot of people thought it sucked to be us... because we had to share ours with each other, but they're wrong Jase. I guess they never really understood, but they didn't need to. It wasn't about them, was it? The best part of our birthday was sharing it with you. I never knew if you agreed or not... if you didn't, it's not like you would have told me... you always put my feelings first. I guess that's why I brought this blueberry muffin with me today. It's my surprise for you.

"Mama and I talked about you a lot, today. It was the first time she really wanted to talk about you. She told me that... well, you always loved me for who I am, who I loved, I know that... she does now, too. She learned that from you, Jase... thank you for that. Oh, she brought out that picture she loves, you know the one of her ultrasound, and we were hugging in her womb? She always cries on our birthday... and so do I, I guess. Mama and I have never been closer than we are now... and I think it's because your love... I don't know. You gave us that chance, like, you loved me so much, and she couldn't help but do it too. Perhaps I'm just talking crap.

"I... well... I have a confession... actually. Promise me you won't be mad? ... I know you'll say you would never be mad at me... but that's not quite true, haha. You seemed to spend most of your life being mad at me for something... I guess I could be a brat, all right. You had every right to kill me when I shoved you into our pool when you had your phone with you... but you didn't. I thought you'd never talk to me again... but you still said you loved me before we went to sleep that night... hey, Jase? When you stopped saying you loved me... was that because of...? Is that when you decided... was I the reason you... never mind. I... no, don't worry.

"Heh, I guess I went off track again... funny, isn't it? It must have been... ten minutes or so... when I got here before I even knew what to say to you. Now you can't shut me up. Hahaha. Sorry... I know, stop apologising. Well, I am sorry, Jase, and I'm not sorry about it. You can't stop me, so just sue me. ... Well, I guess what I was trying to say was... well... when I blew out the candles on my cake today... it was the first time since you left that I didn't wish that you were here with me again. It's not that I don't want you here with me, Jase... please... don't think that. I've never stopped wishing you were here... even for just a moment so I could give you a hug, or tell you I love you... or just to say goodbye. That's what hurt me the most, Jase... you didn't let me say goodbye. ... Sorry, Jase... I need another moment. This is probably the hardest thing I've ever had to say to you.

"Look... please don't be mad at me. It's been three years since you left... and it's taken me this long to accept it... but I think I finally have. That doesn't mean I'm ready to forget you, Jase... I could never do that. You were never just my brother... you were always my best friend. You were my role model. I don't know... you were the most important person in my life. You are still the most important person in my life... that's never going to change, but... well... I've decided to stop coming here to see you. I love you like crazy, man... but... you're gone now, and no matter how hard I wish for it... you won't be coming back. I need to start making a life for myself. This place is just... too cold and too... well... is just... too full of memories of you... of us... I don't think I would ever move on, you know? I hope you forgive me.

"Besides, Jase... we've never spent a birthday, Easter or Christmas apart. Not even after you left me. I've always been here because I didn't know how to be alone. Well.. I... I won't be here to see you this Christmas, Jase... and I don't think I will be here for Easter, or our next birthday either... I know you might get lonely... I know I certainly will... but... I think it's for the best. I know that even if I'm not here... you'll know how much I care, Jase. I want to be happy when I remember you, not sad. Not lonely. We had fifteen years together, after all. I know you... you were unhappy during the last year... I... I wish I paid more attention... you know? ...I was never unhappy, Jase. I couldn't be... you wouldn't let me. I just... I wish I could have done the same for you... I'm sorry.

"Anyway Jase... I thought that since this will be our last birthday together... I wanted to make it special for you... as special as you always made it for me. So I... I bought this blueberry muffin, and I... I thought it might cheer you up. You know... you might not be too mad at me for... for leaving you. I got it from Frank's bakery, just for you. I know, when we had our private midnight birthday celebration, we smuggled in apple and cinnamon, but I know you only did that for my benefit... it was obvious because you always let me eat the whole muffin... hahaha. You don't like apple and cinnamon. I know that... so this time, the blueberry muffin is for you. All you. It's important to me. I want you to have it. I know it's your favourite. Don't worry, Jase... I remembered to bring the two candles.

"This was the best bit, Jase. Always. I never did know why... I just always looked forward to it. Well... let's do this one more time. I've never blown out these candles by myself before... I hope I'm strong enough to do it for both of us. I mean... I have to be... don't I? Alright... here we go... are you ready? Happy birthday to us. Happy birthday to us. Happy birthday dear Jason. Happy birthday to you. ... ... ... Haha... it's weird doing that without you... but I guess if I can blow our candles out by myself... I can make it without you after all. I was scared I would be lonely forever, you know? I miss you so much, Jase, but... I don't feel alone anymore. All I ever wanted... was to say good... goodbye... and now I am. But... I know it's okay... because I know that even if I'm letting you go now... you'll always be with me in some way, hey? ... ... ... I love you, man.

... ... ... Goodbye, Jase. Happy birthday."