Forget to Remember - 3. Chapter 3

His arms tightened around me, and I gasped arching my back. Our chests, slicked together with the sweat of our passion, heave with excitement. Feeling his jeans trapped dick under my hips I push my ass into his lap. The friction against his hard length ignites a spark so deep inside me I felt myself turning inside out. Kells trails his lips down my neck seductively. My whole body is flying as his kissing and sucking of that soft sensitive skin pushes me closer to the edge. Kells moans my name, sending a newfound intensity into my body. His hot hand runs across my naked torso, dips to my stomach, and questing lower he unfastens my pants. Baring my hard length, his mouth slants across mine possessively, taking me and pushing my control to the furthest edge. Kells caresses me, stroking firmly and soon his hands quicken. I can only gasp and breathe brokenly as I throw my head back. I moan as I clutch at his broad shoulders.

“God yes, Kells ohhh yes” my voice is husky with need and desire as I grind my body against his and suck on the perfect column of his neck. I'm breathlessly trying to hold onto my composure so I don't spill myself across his golden stomach before we've even gotten down to the main event. I trill a sound rising in pitch and volume as he reaches his goal between my thighs. My release washes up from the very bottom of my being as my cock jerks and pulses in his hand. All I want is him, all I've ever wanted is him. Kells in his golden gorgeous perfect body kissing me, touching me, filling me up until I am everything. My head is thrown back as my cum rushes out, I scream with incredible lightness of being, “KELLS!”

My eyes flutter open. I cringe at the cold sticky mess in my pajama pants. SHIT. I haven't had a wet dream in years. Still, that was breathtaking. I bask in the dream's afterglow before realizing with a jolt it was time to adult. Work beckoned its commanding hand. I fling back the covers to start my day. Happy Friday indeed.

*******

“So. How are things with Nathan?”

Maris lifts her glass of Riesling and looks slyly up through her lashes archly at me, “A lady doesn't kiss and tell Josh.”

I lay my fork down, lean across the table laden with Italian food and stage whisper, “Well I don't see any ladies here. So, you're safe. Now spill.”

Maris’s laughter rings out. Leaning back my smile splits my face and I crack up as well. I still feel this incredible lightness of being, from not just my wake-up but the steam train my life has been this week. This effervescent wave I'm riding has made my work day shorter and makes this evening out snarfing down pasta at Pisa My Heart one of the best nights out with Maris I've had in awhile.

“It's going actually pretty ok. I think, well, I think maybe he's a keeper Josh.”

I sit up straight, my fit of giggles abruptly ending as I feel a slow incredulous wonder begin instead. She looks, well, serious. Serious but incredibly happy. As I take in her nervous face I see the glow rising in her, lighting up her features in a light I can only guess is from love. Maris shakes her head looking at me.

“After I told him the ground rules that night you and I had coffee, things between us changed. I was afraid it would be over, and he would back away. But--” and here she stopped, pressing her lips together before making this adorably confused face. “He was into it though. He told me he felt the same. Suddenly I felt like, this was right, this was good. And that I never again wanted to see if something else was more right or good. It took my breath away.”

I can see in her face she was surprised by her own feelings, and for sure I'd never heard her like this before. My heart felt like it was flying through space with joy at her words, after all it sounded like my best friend was in love. But I also felt a small, sad squeeze. I wanted that. I wanted to feel like I didn't have to keep looking, that the best had arrived. Most importantly, I wanted someone else to feel that about me. Especially if that someone were Kevin Kells. I shook myself, this wasn't about me. I was happy for Maris and she needed to know that. She has always been there for me, even when I could barely handle life. She was the one who stayed by me when I locked myself in my dorm room with crippling anxiety and depression for days at a time. She deserved to find her happily ever after.

“Mare, this is so unexpected. But, I'm so happy for you. I like Nathan, so I'll accept him as a brother in law”

I wink at her, because she is the truest sort of family I possess. Maris blushed which wow, that's new for her and while nodding I could see her eyes misting up.

“Well good, because tomorrow night you're seeing him. He wants to hang more with you, with us. Come to Metropolis, yeah?”

I pause, wanting to say yes because I haven't been out dancing with Maris in a while, Nathan kind of took up a lot of her weekend time. On the other hand, I was hoping that Kells was going to ask to see me. I feel like I’ve been forward enough, surely I need to let him come to me now. Maybe I was dumb since he had just asked me to coffee but insecurity was rarely rational, and I knew I wanted to be with him and really I just need to know if he feels like I do and holy wow Josh, pull it together you fucking newb.

“So come on then Josh. The hot cop? Did you ever run into him again?” Maris is eagerly leaning forward, sparkling eyes fixed on mine. She hadn't answered her phone last night and I didn't think leaving news like my date with Kells was voicemail material.

Everything I felt and experienced over the last two weeks came barreling into my mind, crowding the words from my soul and body. I let out the breath I was surprised to find I've been holding.

“Well. Yes actually.”

Maris squeals excitedly and claps her hands like a little girl. Raising my eyebrows with a triumphant smile I let Maris in on the good, the bad, and the ugly of the last two weeks. She shakes her head at the peach stand ambush, clucking her tongue at my nerves. She moans and shivers at my no holds barred description of his skimpy workout gear. By the time I get to the porn shop car debacle Maris starts screeching and laughing so loudly the other diners and the waiter are giving us looks that vary from angry, amused and disdainful.

“Oh god Josh. JOSH. You told him you don't stay up that late? What, gonna take up bingo and crochet next granny? But then what did he say?”

She’s so eager and thrilled, I flash back to how my heart had been pounding, the pulse in my blazing cheeks keeping a metronome of desire.

“Well. He gave me his number…” and here Maris interrupts

“And you're fucking him now right? Right? No??? Jesus dude. You have at least called him? Please tell me you called him, boy, or I will smack some sense into you.”

Her eyes were stern as she pursed her pert mouth at me, her voice carrying clearly in the intimate bistro.

“Would you calm down!” I hiss, my eyes darting around the room, trying to gauge if it's time to abandon the SS Pasta. Jesus it's like we're in an after school special about high school and gossiping about the captain of the football team.

“What? You finally grew a set and got halfway there, excuse the fuck outta me I'm concerned that you aren't already riding the 8 o-cock train to pound town. Jesus Josh. He wants you. Go. Get. It.”

She says the last part to me slowly and loudly, like I lack basic understanding. Which ok, maybe I don't have the best track record.

“K fine. I hear you Mare…I do. But for your information ya hussy, I did go out with him, and--well, we, um, we…” I falter and feel myself blush as I drop my eyes. I don't know why I'm feeling embarrassed, I've always told Maris everything without hesitation. But this feels like a breaking of intimacy.

“You what? Tell me,” Maris whined, her voice singing a one syllable word into a whole ballad.

“We. We kissed and thenwekindasortamadeout, in his truck.” I looked at her, my giddiness showing as I shrug and laugh.

Maris clasps both hands over her mouth to muffle the screech and managed to playfully gasp out. “You dirty car fucking whore!!! Who are you and where is my Josh??”

“I don't even know who the hell I am anymore Maris, but I am down for this change.”

After increasingly forceful looks by the waiter, and another bottle of wine, we leave Pisa My Heart clutching each other as we attempt to walk back to my place while giggling so hard there’s a definite lack of oxygen, and a definite presence of intoxication. Our conversation is full of nostalgia for the college days where walking home after too much wine was fairly common. We messily promise to always be there for each other, no matter what. I mean every word. No one else knew her the way I did, though it sounded like Nathan soon would. If I really look at it though, that’s ok. I need to let her go a bit and stand on my own. Maris is still my sister, my platonic soul mate. No one knows me like she does. No one else knows my fears and weaknesses, like how I dread being alone and had been through several bouts with terrifying despair before, when things fell apart on me. She was literally my lifesaver in ginger dynamo packaging.

After noisily shushing each other ineffectually as I unlock my front door, we collapse on my couch and Maris flips to Netflix on the TV. We giggle and start to enter the sleepy portion of our post pasta and wine binge. Soon enough Maris is snoring, and I cover her gently with a blanket and take myself to bed. I plug my phone into the charger and go to wash up. It had died while at dinner earlier and I hadn't really given it much thought since then. When I return from my routine of face scrub, teeth brushing and generally trying to not smell like a bar I notice there’s a few missed texts, starting from about three hours before. Unsurprisingly they’re all from that amazingly hard bodied cop.

6:48pm

OG : hey Josh. Been thinking about you:

7:04pm

OG: I was wondering if we could go out tomorrow night? If you want dinner I'd love your company.

8:12pm

OG : so Joshy, I was hoping that coffee date went as well for you as it did for me? if not dinner maybe we could do that again? I don't wanna pressure you

9:56pm

OG : ok, well get back to me Josh. Have a good night.

Shit. It’s now 10:32pm. I'm sure he thinks I'm an asshole who hates him now. Why can't I charge my phones properly!

J : hey Kells. Sorry. Was out with a friend and my phone died. She's passed out on my couch now though, sung to sleep by Prince Moscato.

J : if it's still open though I'd love to go out sometime. Just not tomorrow because I have plans with friends tomorrow too.

I sat and waited out his response. I tried to stay awake, but the pasta and the wine overruled that decision. The next thing I knew, bright light filled my room to blinding levels, and I heard birds singing about how much they loved worms or whatever they sing about. My nose twitched then, coffee was happening, and close. I follow my nose to the kitchen where Maris is nursing a cup of joe with a fantastic example of bed head. I joking call her out on it.

“Nice hair supermodel, did you tie one on last night?”

“Har har so funny” Maris grimaces. “How can you be so alive when you drank as much as me? Why has my liver started to let me down?”

I grin and rub her shoulders as I pass behind her to secure a mug of sweet caffeinated elixir.

“Guess you're just getting old love. It's ok, I'll drive you to your botox appointments, what..next week?” I make a show of peering at her face exaggeratedly looking for wrinkles.

Maris grins at me, “I hate you stupid head. And on that note, I'm taking my old ass home to shower and nap. Come to my place by 6:30pm, we can eat before we head out. Nathan is gonna join us at my place, ok?”

“Sure,” I reply, kissing her cheek. “And I hate you more”

I check my phone after Maris makes her exit, but Kells never responds. I have a knot in my stomach, but I don’t know what to do. Maybe he’s not awake yet or maybe he dropped me because I'm a flake. You're not hot enough to ignore texts like that Josh. No. I wasn’t going to go there. I'm sure something else was the issue. I'm sure. I think.

************

The entire day passes without hearing from Kells. I mope around, half heartedly do some housework and contemplate just giving in and having ice cream in the couch all day. That's what the movies always say to do about broken hearts. Which was stupid because how can I feel broken hearted over someone I barely even know? All I know about him are the basic things we covered in our coffee date. It's not like we have a relationship. Yet.

Still, I’m not sure how to deal with the unexpected depth of hurt I have. I’m confused too, surely he can't be angry enough after a few missed texts that he’s walked away? The more time I spend dwelling on it the more angry I become. Then I cycle back to feeling stupid and sorry for myself, because it's not like we’re dating or even boyfriends. We went for coffee once for Pete's sake. I try to soothe my anxiety by telling myself lies about how busy he probably is.

Suffice to say by 3pm I’m an exhausted ball of nerves. I don't even want to go out anymore. There’s no way my pouting would be an acceptable reason to Maris though. She’s looking forward to me spending time with Nathan, my future brother in law, as I had teased at dinner. I know damn well if I tell her I don't feel like going and why, she’ll probably march her tiny ass into my home, throw some water on me and pick out my club outfit. No excuses, and she’ll most likely work even harder to get me with someone. 'The best way to get over someone is to get under someone new' is her life mantra. The fact that I have never yet taken home one of her chosen victims means less than nothing to her. I sigh as I open my closet to peruse my clothing choices. Oh I’m definitely going. Damnit.

I get out of my shower and dress. Then spend fifteen unsatisfying minutes trying to style my brown hair into something resembling sexy and tousled, instead of the attacked by animals look it normally situated itself into. Sighing, I accept my hair for what it is and start getting my things together. I look decent, wearing a pair of skinny and just slightly shiny black trousers paired with a lavender Theory tee that once again is from a shopping trip with Mare. If being gay meant excellent fashion sense, then I was probably straight. Seriously, I tend to gravitate to boring simple things, but I know going out with Maris means I better show up in something she has approved. I grab the overnight bag I had packed earlier, because usually after club nights Maris and I have our gossip and tequila fueled sleepovers. I'm not sure what Nathan's presence will do about that, but hey, better safe than sorry. It's getting close to 6, better speed it up Josh. As I grab my wallet and phone to step out I notice I have missed texts.

5:15pm

OG : hey Josh! Sorry you're not free tonight, but I'm happy you want to go out. Maybe dinner after all? I have something to do tonight as well.

5:37

OG : and I'm sorry I was late getting back to you. Had some things going on, but, I was thinking about you and your pretty face.

Oh. Wow.

I stand in my living room, phone in hand, trying to piece together my next move. Text back? Yes, definitely. The tightening of my chest and the hot spike of arousal I felt was quick to give me that answer. Text back now or like, later… My mind was full of questions. Well, questions and lust. Is he really into me? If so, what took him so long. Is he playing games? Was it because I took hours to answer him? Was he simply working? What is even happening?

I need help with this, shoving my phone into my pocket I walk out the door to drive to Maris’ place; I think I know just who to ask.

***********

“So you met this guy, he seems hot on you, he gives you his number, takes you out and basically dry humps you in his truck and then he texts to follow up and when you're not immediately answering he bails?” Nathan sounds skeptical as he recounts the outline of my interactions with Officer Kevin Kells.

“Pretty much,” I say with a grimace, relaxing back into the couch as I nibble at the chicken satay Maris ordered for our dinner.

“It sounds like he's maybe a douche” grumps Maris. She is peeved at this episode of hot and cold behavior.

“No not really,” Nathan is contemplative. He shakes his head and pops in a cream cheese wonton before continuing. “Dudes usually aren't as quick to read into shit like that, maybe he was just working, or whatever.”

Rolling my eyes and sighing I complain, “I'm a dude and I definitely am trying to read into it, so, that's crap advice.” I immediately feel bad however, and try to soften my words. “Sorry Nathan. I know you're trying to help. It's just, well--” I trail off uncertainty and Maris picks up.

“It's just Josh never puts himself out there for anyone and now that he has he's really up in his feels over Officer Goodbody. So, maybe he isn't Mr.Right, but he could at least be Mr. Right Now. Which really, Josh, I love you but you could use a decent fuck,” she flips her hair back and smiles and continues as both Nathan and I blush. “And that Nathan is why we're gonna help my Joshy get his man.”

“How?” I ask flatly, because I know Maris.

“Shhhhh. No worries. Let's get some drinks and dancing in us and then we can collaborate on what to say to get Officer Goodbody wondering what he is missing.” Maris seems eager and I try to relax a bit.

Maybe this could work and she's right, I do need to get out there and maybe I could use a good fuck. I didn't want to suddenly become a club slut but other people weren't still waiting for a potential husband to give it up. Why was I? Maybe I should take the bull by the horns and live a little. Before I became an old man.

********

The dance club floor is pounding with electric energy and there are people everywhere. It's not a gay club specifically, this tiny town doesn't have one, but it's gay friendly. Tonight there will be a drag show upstairs in the cabaret and that tends to draw a crowd of mostly gay guys and the usual girls who follow them around. Still, I'm charmed at how Nathan seems completely at ease, even when he's been hit on by guys at least twice since we sat down. They've all ignored me, as usual. Maris is out on the dance floor, since she was frustrated at my lack of enthusiasm for her suggestions of kinky sexy texts to send to Kells. She airily told me and Nathan to sort it ourselves and then get our asses on the dance floor in the next half hour.

So Nathan and I are sitting close in our booth, partly because it's loud as all get out in here and you can barely hear shouts and partly because he thought sitting closer with his arm around me might help us not be interrupted every two minutes by some silk shirted charmer trying to get into his pants. I don't blame them, Nathan is the poster boy for hipster cool. He's about six feet and four inches tall, slim, and has that short on sides but long on top trendy cut, complete with standard short trimmed beard, and black rim glasses. He's not my type, but I can see how he's really appealing.

“Ok, so, you don't wanna sound like a cock whore is that right?” Nathan grins and snorts a little. He’s had several beers and that, plus our pregaming at Maris’ place, has left him joking more than usual. Nathan came across before as a guy who is usually pretty serious. Then again, this is my first time really getting loose with him. Our previous meetings were a couple dinners and once a brunch, I usually don't bother to get invested in the men Maris dates.

He has his arm slung around my shoulder and I have my phone out in front of us. I feel like I'm in middle school, trying to group effort a note to the boy I have a crush on. I'm not ashamed to admit I need help. Not anymore. I'm tired of being alone.

“Yeah, I wanna seem sexy, not desperate.” I feel nervous already. I drop my head onto his shoulder. “I need to sound more like Maris. What does she text you?”

“Oh ho little man, jumping into the pro circuit there,” Nathan booms with laughter.

I blush and nod. Maris probably writes stuff that melts the screen. Maybe not that hot a text, yet. I laugh to myself. If someone had told me last month I would be in a club, composing come-and-get-it texts while half drunk, with the help of my best friends drunk boytoy, all to win a guys attention back, I'd have thought they were certifiably insane. But now it was just my Saturday night plan.

We hammer out the details knowing we are running short on time before Maris comes back to haul us onto the dance floor. I'm grudgingly ok with what it says, but trying to feel more hopeful.

“Ok that's done. Let's go find Maris.”

Nathan slams back the last of his beer and moves to get up. I stop him with a hand on his chest.

“Thanks Nathan. I really appreciate this.”

“No problem, Josh. I'm happy to help, it's what friends do.”

We stand up to exit the seating area and I hug him. I'm overwhelmed at how nice my friends are. Even when I’m a spaz with the emotional maturity of a teenager. I feel my breath hitch, oh man, Josh don't cry now you baby.

“Here now, Josh it's ok. Come on. He's gonna see what a great guy you are and if he doesn't dude, move on. I have a gay coworker and I'll set you up. He has a great ass,” Nathan tells me and I cheer up while giggling.

I'm still hugging him when I feel him lean down and kiss the top of my head. He lets go of the hug and pulls me forward to the dance floor. I start to follow but something catches my eye. I stop and my heart drops down to my feet. Nathan stops walking and looks at me curiously as I frantically tug my hand loose from his. Nathan lets go and looks to where my attention has gone.

It’s Kells, at the bar. Standing there in jeans and a club logo t shirt. Sleeves rolled up to show off his muscles; looking hot as hell. He also looks furious. His eyes flick back from me to Nathan and the fury and jealousy on his face starts to scare me. He pushes away from the bar, takes a few steps in my direction, then stops. He shakes his head and with a sneer of disgust turns around and disappears into the crowd. How long did he watch me, us, at the booth? Did he think I was with Nathan?

Well of course he does. You were practically on Nathan's lap to discourage interruption by dudes looking to score some hipster meat. Shit. SHIT.

“Oh no,” I moan.

“What? Who was that?” Nathan asks me, blinking owlishly behind his glasses.

“That was Kells. And I think everything just got worse.”

I feel my eyes burning as I try and fail to maintain control.

**********

How fucking dare he touch him. I was so angry I wanted to punch things, starting with that bearded Clark Kent hanging all over Josh. The fuck was that about? I didn't realize ‘plans with friends’ equaled picking up fucking strangers. I’d know a stranger since I bounce here semi regularly as a fill in and have never seen that beard wearing twat before. No wonder Josh was so slow in getting back to me about a real date, if he had back up players to accommodate. I feel a lot of ugly anger inside me, and as much as I want to stalk around the club and pull Joshy back to me like a caveman I know that would get me nowhere. He’s made his choice right? I’m probably too stupid for him. We haven't had much chance to talk yet, but I know a bit about him. Clark over there looking like a professor, he’s probably more Josh's speed. Josh is smart. Has a degree, he loves reading. Had a sweet smile and a feisty side that turns me on quick. Has a cute ass and big brown eyes that are like melty chocolate chips. Motherfuck. He's cheating already and it's like I don't care. I still want him. And he's no better than my whore of an ex.

“Kells? Kells. KEVIN. Officer Kells! The fuck dude?”

I look up from my glowering and see Chris, my buddy and the bar owner standing there.

“You gonna just take up space muscles or actually fucking earn your pay dipshit?” his face contradicts his words however and I can see the shadow of worry in his eye.

“Nah man. I'm good. Just learning the lesson again that you can't trust whores with pretty faces,” I sigh bitterly. “Besides, I work for beers and a dinner you moron. Fuck off with your pay shit.” I continue while shoving his shoulder.

“Dude you sure you're ok? You're staring a hole into the crowd tonight. And what's this shit about pretty faces and whores. That little bitch Brian show up on your doorstep again? Stay away man. He's probably caught crotch rot by now.” Chris looks somewhere between annoyed and angry but I know it wasn't really aimed at me.

“No, he's stayed away, thank fuck. I'm good man,” but my depressed sigh gives me away and I know I'll get called out.

“The fuck you are. Come on, you're off duty. There hasn't been a fight here in months anyway. Let's go sit in my office and you can tell me and Uncle Coors about your gay ass drama.”

Chris laughs and ducks the punch I throw at his arm. We've been friends since high school, when right before sophomore year began his family moved in next door. We didn't actually go to the same school; he went to public and I went to St Gabriels, the local Catholic high school. We had just instantly clicked, being the brother to each other neither of us had. Chris has one older sister and I have brothers sure, but I was born the seventh kid, with fifteen years between me and the next oldest sibling. I’m a surprise baby even for a rhythm method Catholic family. I didn't grow up with anyone but a couple of the last born kids. And they were gone by the time I was in first grade. By the time middle school came around it was like I was an only child. My oldest sibling was twenty-five years older than me, and was roughly the same age as my friends parents. Long story short, my siblings and I weren't close then, and really aren't now. Not like how I want. They're great people, don't get me wrong, they always spoiled my ass, but I essentially grew up an only child with near elderly parents.

Slouching into the beat up loveseat in Chris’ office I think about what's been happening. I've been away from the dating scene for a while. After the misery that was my last boyfriend and his cheating drama with one of my fellow fucking officers I swore off relationships. It affected every part of my life. I was already out at work. Hell, I'd brought Brian to the picnics and events for officers and their families. But to have him messing around behind my back with a man I work with, and for months. Jesus on a skateboard that was fucking gross and horrifying. All the other guys at least had my back. I'm fairly sure they helped that piece of shit Jason Snell to see the wisdom of a new job, and he asked to transfer out to another district and it was granted immediately. No one said a word to me about it though, aside from a week or two of conspicuous invites to have some beers or join for a basketball game.

It's been almost two years since then and I've picked up a lot of guys but dated none. I haven't wanted to until Josh. He’s so adorable. I've met, dated and fucked much more handsome guys but none have that light like he does. He’s magnetic. Yeah, no other word for it. Everything about him just calls for me to touch him. His hair shines like chocolate ganache on the tastiest cake you can imagine. His brown eyes alternate between soft and shy then snappy and hard. I saw them change like that the first day at the coffeehouse, where he clearly disliked the overly flirty twink pulling the lattes. And the more I know him, the more I want to take care of him and possess him. He’s so cute, so innocent seeming, though some of his texts defied that. He's everything I didn't know I wanted.

But of course, I’m not the only one wanting a taste and apparently he found a new dude within a day of kissing me, like his soul wasn't on fire the way mine was. I tell all this to Chris, who looks chagrined and upset.

“Are you sure about what you saw?”

“You think I'm fucking blind or just full of shit?” I snarl back.

“Dude. Fucking chill. Neither. Just trying to help. You gonna call him out on it?”

I pause, full of both longing and anger, my mix of feelings making me even more upset and off balance. Maybe Josh doesn’t feel the way I do. Maybe he thinks I’m just having a bit of fun. He could be a good guy, but not interested, one just too shy to flat out refuse me as a boyfriend. Or maybe he’s just another adorable little heartless bastard that plays emotional fuck-me games for a good time.

“I don't know. I can't deal with this right now. Lets go drink.”

I clench my fists with determination. I'm going to have good night. Even if I have to get blackout drunk to forget his big doe eyes and his quirky little smile. Fuck.This is bad. Chris shakes his head and looks at me with a little bit of trepidation in his eyes.

“Ok, bud. Keep it together. Less fights, more drinks, ok?” Chris says soothingly.

*****************

9:15am

This is the worst fucking morning. I don’t even know where I am. My left arm seems to be asleep and numb. My eyes seem just as numb, in any case I can't open my eyes if I try. I groan as I feel my stomach protest the very thought of a continued existence. First things first, where was I? Ok eyes. Open.

My eyes struggle to open one at a time as I clearly don't have a brain in my drink-pickled head strong enough to command both at once.

I take stock. Ugly ass paneling. Ratty purple couch. Obnoxious Britney Spears clock, announcing it was shortly after 9:00am. Reek of sweat and whiskey.

Ok. You're at the bar. In your best friends office. Let's sit up to assess the situation.

Wait. Why was I sleeping in Chris’ bar office? How much did I drink? Why didn't I take a cab home? Ok. Wow. How many more questions for the deluxe edition of Drunk and Stupid. Where was Chris? Where was my phone? What the hell happened last night?

Memories vaguely surface. I remember a lot of shots. Chris and I stayed back here. Shouting, me or him or maybe both. That's still too fuzzy. My scalp prickles as I have a moment of clarity. I was the one shouting, because I had read a text. A text from Josh and I was so angry.

What did I read? And where is my phone now?

Oh. Oh yeah. I broke my phone. I remember slamming it on Chris’s desk again and again until was a shattered mess, then throwing it into the corner. What the hell had I read?

Damn. My head is spinning. Maybe I'll lay back down. And so I did, with my head aching. I drifted off to sleep almost immediately.

**********

9:43am

This is the worst fucking morning. I’ve actually been awake since about six, watching the dawn creep into the room. It didn't seem to do anything. The light was grey, the walls were grey, the world was grey, I was grey. Great. One angry fucking viking and I'm an emo kid. Someone pass me the fishnet sleeves and eyeliner.

I hurt and no amount of logic or alcohol, both supplied in ample quantities last night by Maris and Nathan, can make it hurt less. Literal minutes after Nathan and I crafted a text to him, he had stood huge and furious, withering me under his basilisk stare of disdain. I know he had gotten the wrong idea because why else would he be so angry. This was confirmed when my phone helpfully supplied the read receipt that he hadn't opened my text until nearly 3:00 am, but he still hadn't replied. To that or any other text. I pick up my phone for the twentieth time that morning, rereading all the shame and desperation laid out in despondent letters.

9:39pm

J : hey Kells. If you have time after your stuff, I'm at Metropolis with my best friend and her boyfriend Nathan. I want to introduce you. Read 2:53am

10:03pm

J : Kells? What's wrong? Why are you so angry? Nathan wouldn't let me go after you, he and Maris don't trust you I guess. I told them you weren't like that. But you looked pissed. Read 2:53am

10:28pm

J: Kevin Kells.Talk to me. Did you think I was with Nathan? It's not like that. He's with Maris. He was just trying to throw off the club sharks Read 2:53am

11:34pm

J : fyck u. i Dnt desrrvee bulshit like ths Read 2:53am

Fuck. I close my eyes. Nothing I have ever done has hurt this bad. Not even how I felt after that impersonal act that took my virginity and left me with a cold shame that battled with bruised pride for center stage. At least then I had naivety and youth as an excuse for being overwhelmed and stuck on unreasonable expectations. At twenty-six, this was pathetic.

I turn over with a guttural cry in my blankets. I made Maris put me in a cab at 1:00 am last night when I couldn't bear one more soft word or hug. I threw myself into bed and cried more until I was nauseous and sandy eyed. If you had just kept to yourself this wouldn't have happened. No one wants you. Don't forget next time.

I close my eyes, again, and will myself to sleep. I can't take today. I can't take myself.

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