Jamie - The Journey Begins - 22. Chapter 22 Work, Ben and Sam

I was sitting on the small two-seater outdoor setting on my bedroom balcony with warm spring sunshine on my face, feeling relaxed with the world. I’d had a full day’s sleep which helped to reset my body clock. I was enjoying the comfort and quietness of my new townhouse -massive thanks Julie and Adam for completely moving me in- where everything was set up! Damn, I’m spoiled… blessed even! I did feel somewhat refreshed, maybe a little punch drunk, but not too bad. My mind, well, that’s another thing.

“Okay Spence, time to get dressed and head out the door for a quick run.” Nothing like a few hills and almost puking to get you fully awake. Okay, the truth - It’s to get my mind of Ben!

I went back into my bedroom, grabbed my trusty Nike's and ran downstairs, passing through the quiet and spotlessly clean apartment and headed into the garage. As I walked through, there she was, my sweet girl: love my F-truck. “I’ll be back for you soon, honey.” I ran my hand along the side of the tub, walking past.

Stepping outside on the sidewalk, the crisp cool air caught my attention for a second. It was a typical early spring morning - some frost on the grass, the mournful callings of the local magpies and the odd kookaburra. I think it was laughing at me because it knew in fifteen minutes I’d be almost dying, smart-ass bird. Adam had left me a map showing me the run he takes when he ‘stays over,’ and the time to beat… Okay so we're still competitive as ever, and you'd think that with all the meetings, office work and running about, he'd be thirty pounds heavier than he was, but nope. He managed to go for a run three-four times a week, said it kept him sane - a good way to get in some ‘me time’. The route was pretty good - not too long, not too hilly, about a five-mile round trip. Although by the end of it, I well knew it was fucking five miles.

Falling back through the garage door, I staggered upstairs to the shower and got cleaned up. Okay sure, I wasn’t thinking about Ben for all of three minutes. That was because I’d just ran up a steep hill and was oxygen deprived for a bit from almost hyperventilating. Oh god, I’m an idiot!

After a quick hot shower, I grabbed my uniform out of the closet. I fluffed about for five minutes then walked out of my bedroom, dressed and ready for another day. I snatched the keys off the hallstand, double-checked that I looked okay in the mirror - turning side on and doing a little flex pose… hmm, not bad Jamie! That suntan and few pounds I’d lost looked good on me. At this rate, I might have to audition for the firefighter's calendar next year.

“Shit! The time!” I looked down at my watch. “Better get a move on.” Quickly, I moved along the corridor to the main room. I was taken by how nice my new place really was. I guess with the jet lag and stuff, I’d not even really looked other than it’s all so nice and clean. I slowed and just took it all in. Jules had done such an amazing job on setting the place out it almost looked like a display home. But it just didn’t feel much like home. Anyway, I headed to the garage door and out to my truck, clicking the unlock and seeing it all light up. I jumped in and turned the key. “Hey they took you for a bath while daddy was away.”

My god, I'm talking to my truck, but it was beautiful and clean, inside and out. Either it was used heaps and they had to dispose of the evidence, or someone was just super nice. I found out later it was Adam just being a great guy. He had the detailer come over and clean his work car and Julie’s car too, and decided that mine needed a wash as it had been sitting in the garage for almost the entire three months, not moving, with a cover over it. Apparently, the guys wanted to borrow it, but the old man said ‘no’ and had Adam bring it here and park it. Love ya, dad!

..o0o..

The drive to the G-Mo, Government Medical Office, was uneventful. I just plugged the address into the SAT NAV and away we went. It hit me how similar this truck was to the one in the states that we killed - obviously there were a few more features and finishes, but still made me think about all of that. I did stop once and clam my thoughts, no flashbacks - just feeling a little nervous I guess.

It was the moment of truth, walking into the G-Mo for my exam, which lasted ninety minutes, then into HQ for some pre-season briefings. That wrapped up my first day back on duty. I was hoping I’d escaped being back at HQ the next day, but that idea quickly vanished with one of the admin staff from HR shooting me an email noting that I was required back there tomorrow. I’d been assigned desk C three-eight, wherever the hell that was. I pushed the next day out of my mind and focused on the next hour of reading rainfall data, pre-summer briefing notes and chatting to various people that happened by, so I guess as for a first day back was chilled.

I’d spoken to Ben once since arriving home - we’d agreed on letting each other have a few days on return to get back into it - I guess to get our feelings under control and mind focused on the job. Plus, he’d promised to send me his work roster, which he did and I’d done the same. I was counting down the hours till we could talk later that night.

I meant it when I said I’d make it work, the whole long-distance thing, I will, even if it kills me! After locking in our call times for the next couple of weeks, Ben decided that I needed to have a few beers with my friends and not mope around at home. As nice as the apartment felt, it wasn’t home yet. So I needed to talk to Ty and Sam and make sure we were okay.

‘Ty it’s okay buddy,’ I messaged back. ‘We need to do this mate.’ There had been a little of the “I'm not sure if we're free” and stuff between Ty and me. That’s been our universal way of being polite, kinda saying, “Are you sure?” I’d known him long enough to read that one, but it was time we needed too.

So, I did as instructed by Ben, after explaining their reluctance to meet up. Ben made me see some sense in trying to sort it but pointed out that if they really don't want to talk, then don't force them, else it could all go south real fast. So, following my movement orders - ha-ha, I made the calls to Ty and Sam. Finally, yes! We met up, but fucking hell!

To be honest the first twenty minutes were the hardest since waking up in the ICU. We all were feeling a little uncomfortable, but we’d had some good times at ‘Check Point Charlies’ in the past. Thankfully, it didn’t take long for us to warm up and deal with the demons of the past. Ty and I go way back so I wasn’t going to throw away our friendship over this. Plus, I still liked Sam a lot and wanted to be friends if we could - he’s a great guy. They both are!

..o0o..

After coming home just after midnight, my friendship with Ty and Sam intact, the sound of my cell beeping got my attention. ‘You have a new message from Command.’ I logged in and there it was, results of medical and works clearances. I just sat there for thirty minutes, staring at the screen unable to click on the message. If I didn’t get the clearance, I’d be off the course for another year or two. That would put my career plans back on the backburner, where they’d been for years now.

Finally, I got up the strength to do it. I was about to hit the button when there was a quiet knock at the front door. Who the hell calls in at 0115? I walked down and opened the door quietly, so I didn’t wake Julie - stupid as the bedrooms are all the way down the other end. My surprise was the face that greeted me - it was my big sister, Steph.

"Hey, Jamie. Can come in?" she asked as she pushed straight past me, kissing my cheek as she walked off down the corridor to the kitchen.

“Yeah, sure.” I closed the door and followed her to the kitchen meals area. I guess she’s been here a few times and knows the layout better than me. "You want a coffee or something, sis?"

“A beer would be nice. I left some in the fridge for you the other day.”

And therefore, she's my favorite sister. We opened our ice-cold beers and sat down to chat or … I think she called in on her way home from work or to check up on me. Todd stayed on at my welcome home BBQ the parents threw, as Steph had gone back to work. Adam, Julie and I dropped him home on the way here, but my sis wanted to interrogate me, I guess. She had that look in her eyes - oh yeah, I know it all too well.

Steph and I were chatting away like normal, light-hearted with the occasional probing question – damn, she’s good at that shit. Anyway, it was all chilled until the reminder popped up on my laptop and that was it! One way or the other, Steph reached over pulling the laptop closer. When she saw the email unopened on my screen, the ball breaking started till I clicked it open.

I won't bore everyone with the details, but I'd been passed for a return to active duty and should contact my course commander without delay to arrange my attendance at the college. So, add that to my to-do list tomorrow at HQ. There was some additional mental health testing due to the seriousness of the MVA, but that is normal and wouldn’t be a factor on course.

With that out of the way, Steph and I chatted for an hour or so. “I have some news, Jamie, about your brother-in-law.”

"Yeah, you mean your husband, right?"

“Yes,” she half laughed, half snorted, at the same time. “You know the guy I’m married to but I’m sure if I fell off the scene, he’d marry you … hmm. God, he’s always banging on about Jamie this and Jamie that.” Step smiled wryly at me.

“Nothing would ever happen between us, Steph. You know that, right? It’s just a huge bromance we’ve got going, well had, since you guys started going out.” But man, if it came about somehow completely without my intervention, god would I have a crack at Todd … hmmm… No Jamie No! But he’s such a great guy and damn hot too! Is that bad to think about your brother-in-law? I guess you can think it, but N-E-V-E-R act on it.

“Earth to Jamie, stop deciding if Todd is hot enough to convert! Yes, I can read you like a book.”

I thought my face was going to fall off till Step started to laugh. "Sooo… news with us is that Todd…" Steph paused for a moment like she was about to dive underwater or something… "he’s being transferred to the US for eighteen months as part of the JSF program so he can get trained up on battlespace operations with the F35’s and allied interface. When he gets back he’ll be part of the team to train our guys here.” The look on her face was of immense pride. He so deserves this. I was a little sad that I wouldn’t see him for a year-and-a-half, but that's totally selfish… I guess Steph is used to it, as they both deployed for a long-term, but it’s gotta hurt a little.

Pushing all of that in the far reaches of my mind, I replied, “That’s awesome!” I stood up and hugged her. “I'll miss Todd, he's good fun.” I paused for a second, “Okay, and I’ll miss you too, big Sis.”

She laughed, “That’s more like it. Funny enough Todd said the same thing about you when you went on holidays. If he wasn't so straight, I’d worry about you two sometimes.”

I looked at her in shock. “He’s not my type.”

“I call bullshit, James! And why? What’s wrong with my husband? You’d be lucky to get a guy like him, James.” She had a pissed look on her face now, and she was calling me James… like I’d insulted Todd or her choice of partner.

“Jesus, do I need to worry about you too? He said that if we broke up, he’d hook up with you.” We both laughed so hard some beer got spat across the bench.

“Whoa, there.” I held my hands up defensively. “It’s exactly that! He’s your husband, and I would never ever make a move on him. Mind you, if you split up… he’s mine.”

“Anyways, husband stealer, an opportunity came up in the States, but not at the same base as Todd. I'll be with the RIMPAC planning group in Hawaii at Pearl. So, I wanted to have a crack at it to get further promoted.” Steph paused for a split second but I picked up on it. “We want to start a family when we both head back at the end of the rotation.”

I was in total shock - not that she was going overseas on deployment, I was used to that – but that she and Todd were thinking about starting a family. She dropped that in quickly, thinking, in my half jetlagged state and a beer under my belt, that I’d miss that. No fucking way!!

I couldn’t help it. I leapt off the stool I was on and hugged my big sister again. “My god, Steph! That’s fantastic! Mom and dad are gonna freak when you tell them that. You know how mom is about having grandkids.” The smile on my face was huge, almost hurting my cheeks. “You’re gonna be the best mom, and Todd will be a fantastic dad. Shit, Steph, you’ll be a legend at it! So will Todd! You were… still are … a proxy mom to me and the rest of us. Oh my god, that’s so fantastic!” I was hugging her and jumping up and down at the same time.

“Jesus, Jamie – settle! We’re going to think about it, right. It’s not that I’m pregnant now." A smile spread over her face. "Wow, how are you going to take it when it happens, you know if I’m lucky enough to get pregnant?”

"Have no idea, but it won't be quiet or pretty. You can count on that, Sis.”

She just shook her head. “I haven’t told the ‘rents yet. I just know mom and dad will go off the tap. She’s gonna go all crazy fussy anyway.” Steph reached over and tapped the stool next to her. “Anyways, tell me about this guy that seems to have you head over heels about him, hmm?” Steph smiled. “Lucas says he’s too good for you. Ben… right?”

I plunged my head into my hands, "Lucas! Fuck my life!”

..o0o..

As I bounded in the front door at HQ – god, I love driving my truck again – I shouted, “Hey Nicole, howdy.”

“I’m well, thanks, Jamie. You?”

“Not bad. One more day here at HQ, then off to my course, hopefully." I swiped my ID against the reader on the countertop. "Hey, can you tell me where desk C-three-eight is, please? I have no clue.”

“No clue? So you admit it now?” she smiled coyly.

"Jeez, thanks mate!" I laughed. "Glad to see you haven't lost your sense of humor, Nic."

“Hmm, Jamie. It’s good to have you back. But jokes aside what did you do wrong? C-three-eight! That’s on the executive level, section C, workstation eight.”

My blood ran cold for a second. “I hate being up on the exec level. Even walking through it can be … scary as fuck. Last time I was walking through there, I got cornered by the Chief - almost pissed my pants on the spot!” I laughed in relief. “But he was cool - wanted to know how my dad was going and if my mom had killed him yet, being home more often.”

Nicole just shook her head, and buzzed me through the glass doors. "Bye, Jamie. Nice to see you again."

Waving, I made my way to the stairs and walked up to the third level, making my way to desk eight. After a few hellos to the guys sitting around me, I logged on. First things first, okay Spence? Email my course commander a copy of my clearance, then follow up in an hour or so. There was a pile of files marked ‘Spence to review’, so it was time to get head down and ass up into it.

By mid-afternoon I’d gotten through a fair share of the files. There was a flurry of activity coming from one of the offices about twenty meters from me. I looked up the floor plan and saw it was now ACO West’s office. If I got a chance, I should stick my head inside and say ‘hi’.

A tap on my divider wall got my attention - it was my boss, Regional Commander Gladwyn. “Hi sir,” I cleared my voice quietly. “Can I help with anything?” I asked as I stood up, shaking Tony’s outstretched hand.

“How was the trip, Jamie? Heard you used your head to stop a demo drill? Ouch.”

“Yeah, was an interesting turn of events, Sir.” We both chuckled a little.

“Jamie, would you please come with me for a second?” Tony tilted his head towards the offices nearby. As I followed him in, I noticed that we were directly opposite the ACO’s office, about fifteen meters away or less.

“I want you to sit in here,” he pointed to the desk. “Take a seat, please, and review these files for me, okay?”

“Um. Sure, Sir, but I can take them back to my desk if you like, you know, so you can have your desk back.”

“Jamie, when it’s just us, the ‘Sir’ isn’t necessary. And it’s not my desk. It’s Pat Combes’ desk. He’s going to be busy for the day and I want you right here.”

I was puzzled as to what was going on, but nodded and sat down at the desk. Tony reached over and placed a call on the handset, then muted the microphone, placing it back on speaker. Puzzled, I looked up at him. He smiled. “No matter what you hear, stay at your desk. Well, unless it’s a fire call, right?”

A little shocked by it all, I nodded, “Sure, Sir… I mean, Tony. Will do.”

With that, he headed out the door, half closing it.

As I got into the work, time was slipping past quickly. I looked up for a second, taking a breath for a moment after finishing off another brief, and noticed that I had a perfect view of the ACO’s office, the workstations between us and the walkways either side… hmm.

After about twenty minutes, some distant voices coming through the speaker caught my attention.

"Mr. Kelsy, thank you for coming in." I heard ACO West speaking, and stopped writing for a second, putting my pen down and turning my attention to the phone. Kelsy - that’s my father in law, ex-father in law. The voices started up again. “This is, as you know, Commander Dean Edgar and Commander Pat Combs. They are here as required under our industrial requirements. Mr. Diamond, the union rep, is here as well, and we have one party remotely monitoring the conversation as is our right."

I almost died in my ass right there. One party monitoring was I - the remote party, plus that bastard, Kelsy, is going to get a talking to. Finally, there is a god. There were a few murmurs from parties in the room, but it all kicked off quickly.

"Operations Manager Kelsy, as you were made aware four weeks ago, we have concerns around your management of staff and use of the service's equipment. Further, we now have substantiated claims of bullying and harassment of personnel. Can you confirm that an offer was made for you to take early retirement, that you understood that offer, but you declined it?”

His voice filled the speaker, I hadn’t heard it for months but it sent a chill down my spine like always.

“I’m not retiring. You’ll be the one leaving, once I’m finished here.”

ACO West started up as if she didn’t hear his last comment. “So, OM Kelsy, you have anything you’d like to say at this point about these matters?”

I looked up and could see it all unfolding in the offices across from me. Simon Kelsy shook his head and leaned over, talking to his union rep. Although I couldn’t hear the conversation, the union rep then spoke. “Operations Manager Kelsy has nothing to add. He refutes these baseless claims and would like to return to his previous posting at Northeast command where he will not bring charges against you for bullying and harassment.”

Commander Edgar spoke up. "I'm sorry Mr. Diamond, but after discussions with the Chief and board, we have sought a solution to these indeed serious charges." I could feel the color drain from my face. Shit, he's fucked! If the Chief and the board are involved, that's never a good outcome.

Commander Edgar continued, "Mr. Diamond, with this in mind, does your member, OM Kelsy, wish to proceed, or is he intending to retire from the service on pension, effective immediately?"

Simon Kelsy snapped, standing up almost knocking his chair over backward. "This is a load of bullshit! I've never done anything like what you're claiming. Where is your evidence?" he spat.

ACO West spoke. “Simon, sit down,” her voice was cold and clear. “Your treatment of various staff over the years, which has been overlooked, that, too, is being investigated. But the most recent attempts to have the careers of two long-serving members terminated is beyond acceptable."

I sat back in the chair. I was hooked on the goings-on in the office across from me. Who the hell has he been after now? There was a gentle knock on the half-closed door and it opened. Raine Wilmer walked in and put his finger to his lips. I noticed that his epaulets on his shirt had changed since I last saw him. Immediately I stood - he’d been promoted to Deputy Chief.

Raine smiled, “thanks,” acknowledging me seeing his new rank. “As you were, Jamie. I’m here to listen to this as well. Raine pulled a chair over in line with the half-closed door. Only people walking past from the south would have been able to see him if they looked into the office.

ACO West continued. “As if the false claims you made against Ms van der Bark in HR weren’t enough.” I was stunned, it was Amanda - what the hell was he doing to her?

“The leaking of the medical results and undue pressure you placed on our Commander’s Course Commandant is just unacceptable.”

Simon smashed his hand into the desk. “That little low-life faggot has no right in being on that course! In fact, it's him that should be in here being questioned and sacked! He’s not fit to wear the uniform.”

I couldn’t believe it. I looked up at Raine. “It’s was me he was talking about, calling me a faggot, and what, leaking my medical records?” I could feel my blood pressure rise. I looked back at Raine for a second. He held his hand out in a stop-wait movement.

“OM Kelsy, you admit that you leaked the medical records of another member, to which you have no authority. Further, it has come to our attention that you tried to blackmail Ms van der Bark into resigning for assisting Mr. Spence in her role as HR support, to seek redress and support for his concerns that, I might add quietly, he legitimately has over your treatment of him in the workplace."

Simon went to speak, but the ACO started right up again. “This entire matter has been reviewed by the Chief and Board, and they have formed the conclusion that your behaviors and criminality around leaking medical records falls well short of the standards we hold here in the service. Simply put, it cannot and will not be tolerated.” The ACO pulled out something. I could hear papers rustling around. “You are now served with this notice of termination, effectively immediately. I affix my signature as the authorizing officer.” I could hear the ACO signing the letter. She stood up and then handed it to him and his rep.

Simon sat there speechless for a full moment. I was stunned too. Raine raised his eyebrows and shook his head. "Very silly man. He had the chance to retire, but now it’s got all ugly.”

"Further, Mr. Kelsy, as the leaking of medical records is a criminal offense, these matters have been referred to the police for action. I will have two staff come and escort you and Mr. Diamond from the building. Please wait here.”

With that, it was all done. I couldn’t believe it. I sat back in the chair and closed my eyes for a second. I could feel a few tears of joy, relief and hurt well up. For nothing more than personal hatred of me and the breakdown of my marriage to his daughter, he wanted to destroy me, my career.

A loud bang came from the office. I looked up to see that Simon Kelsy had thrown his chair across the office, shattering the glass into the adjoining office. Everyone in the workstations in the common office space stopped what they were doing and were looking dumbstruck at the scene unfolding. "If you think that I'm going to go down without a fight, you're mistaken, you bitch, West!" He was standing there, pointing straight at the ACO, trying to stand over her. "Where have you hidden the little faggot, hey? He's not at the college because I've checked," he screamed.

That word made my blood boil instantly. I stood up and moved past Raine before he could stop me, pulling the office door open enough to get out.

“I’m right here, Simon! Got something you want to say!” I yelled out at the top of my lungs.

Everyone froze, heads switching between me and Simon Kelsy as he spun around at my voice.

“YOU! You! I’m gonna kill you when I get my hands on you,” he screamed, as he ran out of the office toward me.

From nowhere two security guards jumped on him and crash-tackled him to the ground. He was screaming and cursing like a crazed man, thrashing about and almost breaking free at one point. There was the ding of the elevator and three police came running up. He shouted for everyone to get back as one member drew his Taser, nodding to one of the other cops.

They shouted instructions for Simon to stop, else he would be tazed. The two security guards jumped off him and stood back. I was welded in place - Raine and another staff member were standing just in front of me, making like a human barrier to keep me from doing something stupid.

After a few moments of struggle, the cops had him in cuffs and were walking him out. The look in his eyes was utter hatred for me. If he could have gotten free, his hands would be around my neck quicker than you could say ‘fire’.

With all the entertainment over, the bosses decided that we needed to head down to the executive kitchen and de-brief. The pizzas arrived quickly. A group pizza session - so much like an AAR - we still do a station. The chief wandered down and gave us all a pep talk and said the beer would be on after 1700 hrs, to remember that we all have standards and that the uniform and service are bigger than one individual. As he walked out, he caught my eye and tilted his head to follow him, which I did.

“You okay Spence?”

“Um, yes Sir, thanks.”

"Look, that ex-father in law of yours has been a thorn in my ass for years. Unfortunately, he's always been smart enough to cover his tracks or skirt the rules, but this time we got him. I hope you’re ok, Jamie.”

"Thanks, Sir, I'm all good. Just a little frustrated that he caused Amanda so much trouble."

The boss laughed a little. “Yeah, well, that’s where he came unstuck. Ms van der Berk knows her stuff. Anyway, good luck on your course. It’s been a long time coming.”

I shook his outstretched hand. "Thanks, Sir. Looking forward to it." And with that he was gone, and so was my pizza when I walked back in.

..o0o..

The following few weeks were fairly vanilla. I was at the college for just on ten hours a day, then a forty-five minute trip each way. At least I was getting my love-in hours up with my truck.

Ben and I had been messaging each other most days. It was a challenge with his shifts and my course time, but these are the challenges that we will overcome. My mind was now focused on the job and looking forward to next week as we would be out on placement, not in our home districts, which is a good idea - it helps to give us some experience in different risk zones and station types.

Heading home, the display pinged and a message from Sam came up.

S: Jamie can we meet up for a talk, please.

I wasn’t sure what the hell to do. Ty, Sam and me - we’re okay, together - but how would it be if it was just the two of us? ‘Ok, play it cool Jamie.’

I messaged back.

ME: Sure, Sam. When are you guys free?

Thought I’d try the safety in numbers thing. I could see the typing logo going.

S: just you and me. We need to talk - no Ty, just us, please.

The color drained from my face, shift-fuck!
ME: Um… okay, when where Sam.

S: How about the park near café 47, tomorrow afternoon, say 5pm.

ME: Okay sure see you then.

Pulling back on to the road, my mind was whirring. What does he want?

..o0o..

As I pulled up at home I noticed a few familiar trucks and cars in the street. The guys were around at my apartment when I got home. We were all going out to dinner, apparently, Gav and Dave insisted. So a quick thirty-minute change and shower and I was ready to go. Jules was happy to see the guys too, although they’d eaten her grilled vegetable salad dinner like it was finger food. So, she and Adam were late inclusions.

As the night kicked on at Checkpoint Charlies, I saw my ex-wife across the room. It was the first time I’d seen her since we split, I think outside the lawyer’s offices, if I remember. “Hey Mark, I’m gonna go over there for a second. Can you keep a watch out for me?” I said, nodding in her direction.

He looked up and saw her. “You serious?”

“Yep. I need to try and make peace, mate.”

Mark nodded his head. “Okay - just be careful and hands in pockets at all times, right.”

Sure. I stood up and made my way over. She was sitting there, talking to one of our former shared friends. “Hi Tracey. Hey Evelyn.” My hands were sweating like mad.

Evelyn smiled. “Hey Jamie. How are you? How’s the head?”

I rolled my eyes. Jesus, does everyone on the planet know?

“Your brother, Mason, told the old lady at the dry cleaners, so it’s everywhere. Apparently he was actually concerned for you.”

I ran my hand through my hair. "Wow - news travels fast." I turned slightly facing straight on to Tracey. "Hi. How are you going, Tracey?"

I was watching her face to see if it exploded into a rage or vomit like the exorcist, but neither.

“Hi Jamie. I’m okay, thanks. You all okay now after the accident?”

“Yeah I am, thanks.” I shuffled on the spot a little while someone was pushing past me. “Tracey, can we talk for a moment, please?"

“Sure, I think we should." With that, Evelyn got up and excused herself. "You can sit down if you want, Jamie."

Cautiously I did – well, might as well pull off the band-aid straight up. "I wanted to say that," I paused for a moment to take a breath, "I'm sorry for the part that I played in our marriage failing."

She was silent, just looking at me. “You seem happy, Jamie. I can see it written all over your face.”

“I am, thanks.” I replied, letting out that breath I’d been holding in. “Amazing what looking death in the eyes does to give you some renewed focus, right?" At that, we both laughed.

“It’s not all your fault, Jamie. It’s mine too. I played a big hand in this falling apart.” She held her had up to stop me. “And my family did too - I can see that now.” Her face looked kind of sad and relieved too. “I guess hearing that you were having a good time in the States made me a little jealous at the start, but then I thought better of it.” She paused and a small smile washed over her for a second. “Anyway, I’m seeing someone myself now and hopefully I’ve learned enough not to make the same mistakes I did with you the second time around.”

I couldn’t believe my ears. She was taking some, if not a large part, of the blame for our failed marriage. I didn’t come over for her to do that. I just wanted to clear the air and own some of my failings. “Can I get you a drink, Tracey, for new beginnings?” I smiled.

“Sure… okay. Nice tan you got going there. So tell me, how did you get it - south of France, I guess?”

..o0o..

The following day was pretty mundane. I couldn’t stop thinking about meeting up with Sam. I think I pulled out my cell to message him four or five times that afternoon alone. ‘Jesus Jamie, what are you doing?’

After I escaped the college, I headed over to Café 47 a little early. Thought I should go in and say ‘hi' to Mike and get that all over and settled before Sam arrived.

“So, how was the trip, Jamie? Let me see your head - heard about the boulder that hit you.”

“Boulder? What? No, it was a demo drill.” As I was correcting Mike, Sam walked in all smiles and looking great as ever.

“Hey Sam,” Mike greeted him. “Want your usual salad wrap?”

I did a double take. “Usual, wow.” So, how often does he come here?

“No thanks, Mike. I haven’t had lunch, so maybe a plowman's platter and a glass of wine? Care to join me, Jamie?” Sam flashed me a memorable smile.

“Yeah, why not? Thanks.”

“We’ll take it outside, Mike, if that’s okay?” Sam offered, then walked over to the door, holding it open for me. “You coming?”

“Oh yeah, sorry.” I started to walk towards the door. That smile. Sam was so relaxed and confident. I kinda felt like the fly in the web. Jeez, what have I gotten myself into?

As I walked past Sam, his scent filled my nose, bringing my senses online. Fuck, he smelt so good - a mix of that new Tom Ford cologne, tobacco vanilla, and his own smell that I still remembered.

Yeah, and I tripped on the paving stones too - almost fell flat on my face walking past him. Idiot! We sat down on one of the far tables, where we could see everyone, but were secluded from passing foot traffic. We shared a smile as we waited for Mike, who appeared almost on cue with wine and some freshly baked bread. “Here you are, boys. You enjoy while I get the rest underway.”

Snatching up the bottle with little delay, Sam started to pour some into my glass. Wine, Jamie?”

“Thanks,” I smiled back. “So, how have you been Sam?”

“Yeah, okay.” There was that smile again. “I thought we could talk for a bit without everyone listening in.” Sam waved his hand as to sweep all the listening ears away.

“Okay, sure.” I was starting to feel a little uncomfortable - maybe I was a fool to do this. I grabbed my glass and took a second gulp of wine.

“Like the ring. Is that from Ben?”

“Ummm, yeah it is, thanks.”

“I thought you weren’t into jewelery, Jamie? What happened?” Sam had me like I was prey and in his trap.

“I’m not sure. Ben just gave it to me on the day and I couldn’t say no.”

“What - he just popped it out while you were at the supermarket or petrol – gas station?”

“Oh no. Sorry, Sam. We went out for a meal when he gave it to me,” I shuffled a little in my seat.

“Nice! I like it,” Sam reached over and rubbed his finger over the ring, his hand, fingers making contact with mine, sending an electric shock almost through me. Thankfully, Mike arrived with the platter and more bread. Sam didn’t move his hand. It wasn’t lost on Mike.

“Thanks, Mike,” we replied in unison. I sat back a little leaning against the chair. Sam had let go of my ring finger now.

“You have to tell me about it, Jamie. I think your mom thought you were going to come home married or something. Was the place as special as she said?”

I felt my face blush. “Yeah - well it was special, and no, there wasn’t…” I stuttered a little, “any chance of me getting married. Wow, this platter is nice, Sam,” I pointed to the tray before us, desperate to move the conversation on. The only thing that came to mind was Ty, well, and Ben. “So how are you and Ty going?”

“We’re okay. It’s only been a few weeks, so we’ll see what happens.” Sam shrugged his shoulders in a non-committal way. “The last guy I was seeing ran out of the country on me. I've gotta say, Jamie, the holiday has done you wonders. You look fantastic, Jamie - maybe a little underweight, but wow, just wow!” A huge smile wrapped over his face. “I’m trying to work it out. Is it the holiday, the change of pace or that guy… Ben, right? He’s lucky, hey.” Sam smiled and leaned forward.

I felt stone cold dread wash over me. “Yeah look, Sam. I know I apologized over Skype and stuff, but still…” Stopping for a moment, I looked down for a second to compose my thoughts and my emotions - I still felt something for the guy and you can’t just switch that off like a switch. Plus, it’s harder when you’re face to face. “I needed to look you in the eyes as tell you how sorry I am about that stuff in LA, really am.” I paused again to take a deep breath. Well, I’ve started now - better see this through. “You know all of it - the other stuff, too, Sam. I acted like a dick at the start. I wasn’t fair on you. I was in a bad place mentally. Still, it’s no excuse at all.”

I knew this was coming and I guess, he had every right to be pissed - I’d have been pissed off too if it was me. “Please Sam, can you forgive me? I’m sorry.”

“Look, Jamie.” His face was sad looking. I could see the turmoil he was going through, not unlike my own. “I wanted to talk about where we are at, and you and me.” Sam slid over on the chair immediately next to me. “Things are just getting going with Ty and me. I’m not sure where it’s going or if it’s something long term.” He paused, looking my face up and down. “I’m not going to lie and say that when I saw you at the airport, your mom’s, at ‘Check Point Charlies’, my head wasn’t filled with regret.”

Sam leaned in a little closer, almost like he didn’t want imaginary people sitting on our table to hear us. “But I guess it’s the past, right?” His face was a little red and sad looking. “I want to know if you’re over me, us, Jamie. Because if you’re not, it’s now or never.”

“I’ll be honest, seeing you again, it is hard, so fucking hard. I think I could easily pick up and restart with you right now, Sam.” I shrugged my shoulders. “But…” I offered, “I’m not the same guy that left here three months ago, well emotionally anyway. If I was, then this…” I pointed between us… “If we were having this conversation before I left for the US, before Ben, the accident, I’d be all over you and we’d pick up where we left off if you wanted to. But, I’ve had time to just sit back and ask myself, ‘what the fuck are you doing, Jamie?’ That Jamie, the one that left you at the airport, would have dragged back to my place by now and we’d be balls deep into it… but…” There’s that word again… “there are so many other people to think about, not just us… What if it just doesn’t work out and we ruin so many lives, friendships and what I feel for Ben, Ty… they are the innocent parties here. I just can’t...”

“What if it does? What if we are meant to be together, Jamie? What if the time apart was for us both to make sure, to be sure that this is what we want, what we should have?" Sam leaned in, I was frozen in place I couldn't move - it's like those movies, you know, where the person is sedated but fully awake and can't tell anyone. Oh my god that terrifies me… sorry, off topic.

“Please Sam, don’t.” I managed to squeak out, looking into his eyes. I knew exactly what was on his mind, what he was feeling and wanting. I’d seen that look plenty of times before and I could feel my strength, my resistance, failing.

“Sam, if I… if we we’re gonna fall off this cliff, there will be no coming back to the here and now.” I took a short breath. I could taste him, he was so close. All I needed to do was move a quarter inch and I’d feel his beautiful soft warm lips, that sweet taste of his mouth as our tongues renewed their friendship. “Friendships will end and hearts will be broken.”

Sam moved closer - we were almost touching .I think a cigarette paper would struggle to pass between our lips now. My heart was racing - I could feel it pounding away with every heartbeat. Our lips touched slightly. Sam’s eyes were searching my face, his pupils dilated, looking deep into my own eyes to read me, understand me.

“Jamie,” he breathed out breathlessly. It was like time had slowed - I could almost hear my heart beating in my ears. Ben! All I could see was Ben’s face, hear his voice.

In that same second, I felt an electric shock as our lips touched. It jolted me backward out of the trance I was in. "I'm … I can’t do this, Sam,” I stuttered a little. “I think I’m in love, Sam. No, I am in love and I can’t.”

I could feel my face redden. I wasn't sure of why, because I came so close to crossing over to something so damaging but so … arrgh… fucking wonderful! Or was it the realization that HE was the one - Ben!

“Ben?” Sam’s face had disappointment all over it. It’s hard to hide, being so raw and in the moment.

“Yes,” I nodded. “I love him. I can’t explain why or how, but I just do.”

A tear slipped down Sam's face. "I'm sorry, Sam. I didn't mean to upset you, make you cry." I had a feeling of dread come over me. "The last thing I wanted to do was upset you, Sam. I like him a lot… Ben … I love him.” It didn’t really help much. Sam looked like I’d just stolen his favorite pet. "I know that if we had been together over the past few months, if I hadn't gone away, that this could be a very different conversation,” pointing between us, “right now.

Sam quickly wiped the tear away and turned slightly away from me. “It’s ok, Jamie. He’s a lucky guy.”

I didn't know what to do or say. We sat there for a few moments not talking, just I guess replaying it all in our heads. Mike appeared at one point and left us both a couple of glasses of lemon-lime, and bitters, with a dash of white rum in them, almost an Aussie version of a Long Island Tea.

After what seemed to be forever, I thought I should try and talk. “Sam, I know it’s too soon and raw for us both now. But I really hope that we can be friends. I’d rather not live in a world where we aren’t friends. I’m sorry that it can’t be anything more, I really am.”

Sam looked at me and half smiled. “I’d like that, too.” He took a steadying breath. “I fully thought that if we were alone soon after you’d gotten back, that I’d have been able to win you back. But you’ve changed, Jamie… not for the worse. It’s actually nice that you have those feelings for him, Ben.” Sam looked a little uncomfortable saying his name. “I just wish it could have been me.”

Finally, slowly, we started to chat again about nothing really. Can’t even remember what it was about. I realized that in the absent-minded state we both were in, we’d picked at the remainder of a platter, and downed the lemon-lime surprise.

I drove Sam home to his place in silence, till we turned into his street when I pulled to the curb. “Sam,” I turned towards him.

Sam’s face was blank, not showing much emotion or color even. “Yeah,” he replied quietly.

“You deserve so much - you deserve to be someone’s… everything. Not the guy that was caught up in the madness of my love life.” Sam went to speak, I kinda cut him off, it was unintentional “I hope you’ll be okay, Sam. I know you’ll be, alright?”

“Yeah. What do we do about Ben and Ty?” Sam asked with an unsure look about him.

“I have to tell Ben. I don’t know if he’ll understand or forgive me, but I have to be honest with him.” I half smiled. “I can’t tell you what to do with Ty. I can tell you that he’s a good guy and if you explain and make him understand, he’ll be okay. I have to tell you though, Sam," he looked at me with a hint of concern about him. "If Ty asks me if anything happened between us, I can't lie to him. We've been friends for too long. I hope you understand." Jesus, friends for a long time and I'm meeting his boyfriend and kissing him… some friend, Jamie. You did real good here, mate… not!

"Thanks, Jamie. I was going to tell him. I just need to get it right in my head, but I will tell him.” Sam leaned over and hugged me as best as you could in my truck.

“Thanks, Sam.”

And with that, he opened the door and climbed out. “I need to walk a little, to clear my head, okay? See you around, Jamie.”

..o0o..

When I arrived at Julie’s place … well, my place, I guess… but it doesn’t feel much like it. It wasn’t home for me just yet. Luckily Jules was out or in her room. The place sounded so quiet. I went upstairs and had a long hot shower, changing into a pair of running shorts and a tee and walking over to my bed to lay down for a bit. I didn't even notice that I'd grabbed one of Ben's shirts from the drawer until I walked past the wall mirror and saw it. ‘I think I need to go for a run.’ So, I ran down the stairs and out the front door. I was more sprinting than jogging. I had a lot on my mind and a load of anguish to deal with.

After my run, I stumbled back in the door. Jules and Adam were talking in the kitchen. I gave them a breathless wave and headed for the shower. All I could think of since dropping Sam home was Ben. I need to tell him. I need to explain I couldn’t get it out of my mind the entire time I was in the shower.

Getting dried, I walked into my room and fished out another change of clothes. Sweeping up all the discarded clothes around the room and bathroom and dropping them into the hamper, I mindlessly walked over to the bed and sat down. No use - Ben and Sam were swirling around in my mind. ‘Jamie… no - James! You are stupid sometimes, but this time, you've earned a Ph.D. in stupidity.”’

I got off the bed, pushing my hand through my hair and exhaling like I was doing a lung function test. I grabbed my cell off the top of the bureau, took a few steps backward, laying down again, closing my eyes. I felt a tear slip down towards my ear… “Hey Siri, call Ben.”

The international pips came through the speaker. Within a few short rings, I heard that sweet Texan voice. Instantly I could see his smiling face in my mind, I was dreading this. ‘My god - what have I done? Will he forgive me? Please forgive me.' I noticed that my hand started to shake, my whole body was now shaking. I think I should hang up. I’ll tell him later!

“G’dayyy mate! Did I get that right? I've been practicing all week.” he sounded so happy.

“Hey…” I took a steadying breath as I felt the sting in my eyes of more tears welling up.

“Ben, I’m so sorry.”