Storms - 35. Julie

I opened my laptop, logged onto Skype, and found Leigh in my list of contacts. It didn’t take her long to answer. ‘Hey, girl!’ she said, smiling face filling my screen. ‘How have you been? I feel like we haven’t talked in forever!’

‘Yeah, me too.’ I smiled back. ‘I’ve been okay. School’s been a bit stressful. Not the schoolwork, more like there’s been a lot going on with my friends and stuff.’

‘Ooh, like what?’

I bit my lip. ‘Well, you know Michael?’

‘Mhm?’

‘Well . . . remember how you joked that maybe he was gay? He is. And he and that kid Daniel are together.’

‘What, seriously? That’s awesome!’ She frowned. ‘Wait. Is it awesome? Are you okay?’

‘Yeah!’ I said quickly. ‘Yeah, totally okay. I think . . . I was never really in love with him. More like the idea of him, I guess. Then I got to know him and now we’re friends. And he and Daniel really deserve to be happy, so I’m glad they’re together.’

‘Okay. That’s good.’ Leigh smiled at me again. ‘So what about you, then? If you’ve moved on, have you got any new crushes to tell me about?’

I glanced at my own face in the little square in the top right corner of the window. I looked as nervous as I felt. I hadn’t told anyone about this yet, but it was clear to me that Leigh had to be the first to know.

‘Maybe?’ I said. ‘There’s . . . there’s someone. We’re good friends, and we’ve kissed a couple of times.’

‘Sounds promising.’ Leigh grinned. ‘What’s his name?’

I blushed. ‘It’s . . . it’s a girl, actually.’

Leigh blinked, but her smile didn’t falter. ‘Oh! Really? Well, that’s great! Who is she?’

‘Her name’s Amy. She’s one of Michael’s friends. She was helping me with homework one time a couple of weeks back and we were talking about boys and relationships and kissing and stuff . . . And I asked if she’d ever kissed a girl, and she said she hadn’t, and then we did it. Kissed!’ I added quickly. ‘We kissed, I mean. And it’s happened a couple of times since then, and . . .’

‘You like her, then?’ said Leigh, and I smiled.

‘Yeah. I really like her. I think I have feelings for her, like . . . real ones. A lot more real than the ones I thought I had for Michael, because I know her.’

‘So, do you see yourself as a lesbian now, or . . . ?’

I shook my head. ‘No. I still think boys are cute, too. So, I’m bi, I guess? But Amy’s just . . . She’s really cool. She kind of reminded me of you at first, cause she’s all sassy and funny and clever like you are. But there are definitely sides to her that are totally different as well. She’s just . . . She likes to convey this image, where she’s this untouchable ice queen, but underneath she’s just really sweet and kind. She reads people so well, like she always knows what’s going on with her friends. And, yeah, I mean she’s super hot.’ I blushed again. ‘Just really stylish and fashionable and gorgeous. And I thought at first . . . I thought I just wanted to be like her, but that’s not it at all. I just want . . . her.’

‘That’s great,’ said Leigh. ‘I’m really happy you’ve found someone.’

I shrugged one shoulder. ‘I mean, I don’t know if she likes me back or not, but . . . We’re hanging out tomorrow. I’m going to her place after school.’ I couldn’t help but smile. ‘Should be fun.’

‘I’ll bet it will be,’ said Leigh.

‘But, how are things with you? Are you still into that guy, whatshisface?’

‘Oh, God, no! So over him. He was a twat, anyway.’

* * *

I felt a bit nervous to be hanging out with Amy by myself again. We hadn’t been alone that much since the night Amy had helped me with my Maths homework. She’d come to my house once, and we’d watched some telly and then kissed in my room. Just, like, one kiss. And then we’d been alone in a deserted corridor once at school and, in a fit of what I can only describe as insanity, I’d kissed her again.

Now I stood outside her door at half past four in the afternoon on a Thursday. I rang her doorbell, and a moment later the door opened. It was not Amy. It was a little girl, younger than my brother Luke. Amy’s sister. ‘Who are you?’ she said.

‘Er . . . I’m Julie. I’m Amy’s friend.’

Footsteps approached behind her and then Amy appeared in the doorway. ‘Don’t be a brat, Holly! You knew I was having a friend over.’

Holly laughed and ran away.

Amy rolled her eyes. ‘Sorry. She can be so annoying sometimes. Though she’s better than Ryan; he’s the middle child and the only boy. Middle child syndrome deluxe. Come on in!’ She smiled at me, and oh Lord, I really loved that smile. I felt myself blush a little bit.

I stepped inside, and Amy led me into the sitting room, where a tween boy with cornrows was playing video games and Holly had sat down on the floor with a couple of Barbie dolls.

‘That’s Ryan,’ said Amy and pointed to the boy on the sofa. ‘Ryan, this is my friend Julie.’ Ryan barely acknowledged me, only grunting vaguely and not looking up from his game. Amy rolled her eyes again. ‘Come on, let’s go hang out in my room.’

Her bedroom was through the kitchen, and there we found her mother reading a book. She was a petite woman in a wheelchair. She turned her chair to face us when we came in. ‘Oh, hi!’ She smiled. ‘You must be Julie.’

‘Yeah. Hi. Lovely to meet you, Mrs. Dawson.’

Amy’s mum laughed. ‘So polite! Well, I won’t keep you two. I’ll bet you want to hang out in Amy’s room and talk about boys or something.’

Amy once again rolled her eyes. It seemed she found her entire family cringeworthy. ‘Mum, don’t be so embarrassing!’

‘Sorry, sorry.’ Her mum waved her good hand. ‘Go on, then.’

We entered Amy’s room. It was as fashionable as she was, with posters of pop singers on the walls, colourful cushions on the bed, fairy lights, and all kinds of ornaments. Plus a lot of jewellery; necklaces hanging off hooks on the walls and a thing that looked like a miniature clothing rack on the nightstand, but which held earrings instead.

Amy sat on the bed. I sat on the desk chair.

‘Why you sitting over there, silly? Much more comfy over here.’ She smiled at me. I did as she asked and sat down next to her on the bed.

‘Where’s your dad?’ I asked.

‘At the youth club where he works. Job like that he works evenings and weekends. Weekdays the club opens at four and closes at nine. Saturdays it’s open all day, but he’s not there every Saturday.’

‘What’s your dad like?’

Amy smiled. ‘He’s pretty cool, all things considered. I mean, Mum’s not bad either. My siblings are annoying, but . . . actually, we get along pretty well, too. Most of the time, anyway.’ She grinned.

We talked for a while about school, and then Amy asked, ‘Has Dan told you anything about what’s going on with him? He’s been away so much.’

I gave her a crooked smile. ‘I think you’d be better off asking Michael about that. Like you say, he’s been away so much . . . haven’t really had a chance to talk to him. Hope he’s all right, though. Seems like he’s had to deal with a lot of shit lately.’

Amy nodded. ‘Yeah. I feel bad for him.’

‘Me too. But at least he’s got Michael, and Mr. Griffiths and his husband. I think they’re taking really good care of him.’

‘I think so, too.’

Then it was like we’d run out of things to talk about, and a slightly awkward silence followed. After a moment, Amy said, ‘Jules?’

‘Yeah?’

‘Wanna make out for a bit?’

I smiled and glanced at her. My cheeks were probably a bit pink, but I leaned in and placed my lips on hers. We lay down on the bed together and spent a good half hour just kissing. I really, really wanted to touch her. Everywhere. A lot. But I also knew I wasn’t really ready for that, and besides, I didn’t even know what we were. She wasn’t my girlfriend, I knew that. I had feelings for her, but I didn’t think she had the same feelings for me. It made me a bit sad, but I enjoyed the kissing a lot and decided not to overthink it.

* * *

Friday, Daniel was at school again. He seemed a bit tired, but he smiled and hugged me when he saw me. ‘How are you doing?’ I asked him, and he shrugged. We began heading to our first lesson together.

‘Okay. I . . . haven’t been sleeping great. Therapy takes a lot out of you. Like, you’re digging up all kinds of shit, so . . .’

I patted his arm. ‘You okay? Do you . . . I mean, d’you wanna talk about it?’

He grimaced. ‘That’s sweet of you, but I talk about it a lot. I’m just, I’m having bad dreams and panic attacks and stuff. It’ll pass. I’ll deal with it.’ He looked at me and smiled. ‘But I’m sick of talking about me. What about you?’

‘Oh. Erm. Nothing much going on with me . . .’ I felt myself blush as I said it.

Daniel raised an eyebrow. ‘Nothing at all?’

‘No. Just . . .’ I considered for a moment, and then I realised that if anyone would understand what I was going through right now, it would be Daniel. I’d been reluctant to talk to him about it because he had so much of his own going on, but maybe this was just the distraction he needed. ‘Okay, I’m gonna tell you something, but you have to promise not to tell anyone else. Not even Michael. At least not yet.’

Daniel’s second eyebrow joined the first. ‘Okay, I promise.’

I took a deep breath. ‘I think I’m in love with Amy.’

He stopped in his tracks and looked at me. ‘With Amy? But—’ He paused. ‘Guess I figured you for straight.’

I shrugged. ‘Bi, I guess. I dunno, it’s not important.’ I looked around, but it didn’t seem like anyone was listening in. Still, I lowered my voice. ‘But Amy and I, we’ve actually kissed a few times.’ My face felt very warm and I looked down at my feet. ‘It was really nice. But she’s not my girlfriend or anything. I don’t really know how she feels, if she’s just experimenting or what. So . . . I don’t know if I should tell her. Do you think I should tell her?’

‘That you’ve got feelings for her?’ Daniel asked. I nodded. ‘Well . . . I don’t know. I mean, only you can answer that, really. What do you think will happen if you tell her?’

‘Well . . .’ We started walking again. ‘I don’t know. If she likes me back I guess maybe she could become my girlfriend and that would be amazing. But if she doesn’t like me back . . . Best case, we’d stop the kissing. And I really like the kissing . . .’ I knew I was blushing now. ‘Worst case I’ll freak her out and she won’t even want to be my friend anymore. I mean, she’s obviously not homophobic, but still.’

‘Yeah, she hangs out with a gay couple and is regularly snogging a girl. It would be really weird if she were homophobic.’

I laughed. ‘Yeah. But there’s a difference between that and having another girl fall in love with you. You know?’

He nodded. ‘I know. I don’t think I really believed that Michael was a homophobe either, but I thought if I told him I was gay he’d figure out I liked him, too, and then maybe he wouldn’t want to be my friend.’ We entered the classroom. ‘I think it’s really unlikely that she won’t want to be your friend anymore. I mean, you two are great friends, you have been since you started hanging out, right?’

‘Yeah, I suppose . . . So you think I should tell her?’

‘I think you should tell her if you’re ready and you want to,’ he said. ‘I also think you shouldn’t rush into anything.’

I sighed. ‘You’re right.’ We found our seats. ‘So, you doing anything fun this weekend?’ I asked.

‘Well, I’m seeing my mum tomorrow,’ he told me. ‘Not sure what to expect, really, but I doubt it’ll be fun, exactly . . . Haven’t talked to her since the day I moved in with Stephen and Lewis. On Sunday, Michael’s parents come home. He wants me to come to dinner, so he can introduce me and, well, come out to them.’

‘Oh, wow, I almost forget he even has parents,’ I said and giggled. ‘So he’s not out to them yet?’

Daniel shook his head. ‘They’ve been in Ghana for like a month and a half. He didn’t really want to tell them over the phone.’ He made a face. ‘A bit nervous, to tell you the truth. What if they don’t like me?’

I smiled at him. ‘They’ll love you, Dan. You’re awesome. And Liz already knows you and likes you, so you’ve got nothing to worry about.’

‘You think so?’

‘I know so.’

Daniel grinned. ‘What about you? What are you doing this weekend?’

I was about to answer when the teacher walked in and our conversation was cut short. I pulled out my Geography textbook and focused on Miss Khan.

* * *

Depositing my coat in the hall, I headed for the kitchen where Mum was, as usual, preparing tea. ‘Hi, Mum.’ I kissed her cheek.

‘Hello, sweetheart. How was school?’

‘Good,’ I said. ‘Glad it’s the weekend, though.’ I hesitated. ‘Hey, Mum?’

‘Yes?’ She looked at me with that expression that told me she knew I was about to ask for something.

‘Would it be all right if I went to the cinema with Amy tomorrow? Maybe for a pizza or something after?’

Mum pursed her lips. ‘You’re spending a lot of time with Amy lately.’

‘Well, yeah. I mean, she’s my friend.’ I think I managed to keep from blushing. ‘My best friend right now. Except Daniel. And he’s not really in a place right now where he’s good with hanging out with people. Besides,’ I licked my bottom lip, ‘all the time he does have, he spends with his boyfriend.’

Mum only slowed her chopping for a few seconds. ‘Oh. You didn’t tell me he was gay.’

‘Should I have? Does it matter?’

‘No,’ she said. ‘Just . . . No, of course it doesn’t matter.’

‘Michael’s his boyfriend.’

‘Oh.’

‘Anyway,’ I continued, ‘since Leigh left, I haven’t really had any close friends. I guess Amy’s a bit like Leigh. I mean, we hang out and talk about stuff.’ I knew I had struck the killing blow. Mum knew very well how important Leigh had been to me.

‘All right,’ she said with a sigh. ‘What are you going to see?’

I shrugged. ‘Don’t know yet. Nothing I’m not allowed to, rating-wise.’

Mum nodded. ‘All right.’

‘Yay!’ I grinned. ‘Thank you!’

And so the next day, Amy and I went to see the latest Star Wars film.

‘You know,’ I told her as we were queueing up to buy the tickets, ‘I’ve never actually seen any Star Wars films.’

She stared at me. ‘What, really?’ I nodded. ‘Well, this is a good one to start with, then, probably, cause it’s a stand-alone. It’s had good reviews, too.’

It was a good film. We got some good seats near the centre. But then, toward the end, we ended up missing some of the action scenes because we started kissing, and that was better than the film.

After, we went for pizza. It felt like a date, but I didn’t think that was what it really was, even with the snogging. How could you tell? Especially with a girl. A friend. I was starting to overthink it again, as was my way. Was kissing in a darkened cinema enough to constitute a date? Did kissing mean girlfriends, in the romantic sense of the word? Girls experiment with their friends all the time, right? What if that was all it was?

Shaking the thought, I decided it didn’t matter (even though it did). The snogging was too good. The rest I could figure out later.