Spare Me Your Alpha Nonsense - 3. Chapter 3

Okay so remember when I said I had a hard time finding Werewolves, Vampires and Magic Users that weren’t big assholes? Well there’s something of an additional reason why that is the case. More specifically a reason related to the fact that my status as a member of the Borisov family wasn't exactly secret as much as I'd like it to be. A reason that has this Witch named Claribelle jabbing her finger at my face and trying to shove me out of her bookstore.

“Are you nuts!? What are you doing here!? Get out of my store!” She hissed at me, glowering down at my foot and a half shorter body as she tried in vain to push me out the door, practically running in place as she tried shoving me forward like some football tackle dummy. Unfortunately for her she can’t budge me an inch no matter how much she digs her sneakers into the wooden floor to get me to slide out where I came from. For a human of regular strength I might as well weigh as much as a tank with how little their shoves work on my tiny ass body. I just roll my eyes and keep my arms crossed in annoyance as I let her work out her frustration in trying to shove me even a millimeter closer to the door.

Finally I got fed up as I hissed at her. “I need your help Claire okay! Could you fucking cool your jets a tad?”

“Cool my jets?!” Uh oh, probably could have worded that nicer. “You, a goddamned Borisov, come into my goddamn store when I’ve expressly told you to not do so, repeatedly! You realize you’re putting a target on my head just by being in here!? If any of your psycho relatives finds out I sell magic Items out of here I’m fucking dead, you jackass! Get out of my store!”

“Claire!” I put my hands on either side of her green hair dyed head and pulled her down to my level, “If this shit wasn’t serious I wouldn’t have. However I got a visit from a goddamn Devil in the goddamned flesh this morning and I’m a tad rattled right now.”

Her eyes dilated at that as she gestured for me to follow her in the back. She was dressed like your typical goth chick, lots of piercings on her face and ears, black clothes with pentagrams and the like on it, the works. The difference of course was she was an actual witch who had a secret method of creating magic items she never showed to anyone. She was something of a supplier and dealer of all things magical potions and gear in the local area.

Once we were back in her workroom away from all the fiction books and crap she sold to normal people to supplement her income, she turned on her heel and glowered down at me.

“You mean a demon possessed person right?” she sounded almost hopeful for that, which kinda said how fucked this situation was, “Tell me you mean a demon possessed person. Please?”

“Trust me I wish it was some demon possessed Person, I could handle that.” I said with a dismissive wave of my hand. “No this was an actual honest to god Devil, complete with red skin, whip like pointy tail and horns, and a fuckin wardrobe budget that put every dollar I ever made in my life to complete shame. Oh, glowing yellow eyes as well.”

“Shit! They’re not supposed to be able to come in the flesh like that!” She was pacing back and forth, wringing her hands nervously as she looked at me. “What did he say? Did he say why he was there?”

“Fucker said he was on a one hundred year vacation and wanted to watch ‘This realms apocalypse.’ from a closer perspective. Said these ‘end times realms have lax restrictions.’ “

Clarabelle lost control of her knees and had to sit down as she tried to process this, staring off into the distance as she shook lightly. “Shit, I knew all those natural disasters and shit we were having lately wasn’t normal. Fuck.”

“Oh yeah, turned out that Spray tanned blondie chick my family iced actually could have ended the world if I hadn’t phoned up some backup. Fuckin Devil actually thanked me cause it saved him from going to another ‘vacation spot with stricter rules.’ “

She narrowed her eyes and glared at me as she sat up and crossed her arms. “What are you leaving out?”

Uh oh. “What do you mean?”

“You said you needed my help, and you are getting shifty eyed as fuck right now. And I know for a goddamn fact when your scrawny ass gets shifty eyed you’re leaving shit out of your story. Fuckin spill before I crack a wand out on your ass!”

“Fine, chill the fuck out already!” I huffed. I needed to fucking say this part anyway so I might as well get it over with. “He also said he was going to make me ‘hopelessly fall in love with him,’ and he put it as a bet that if I could fall in love with some denizen of the night instead of him, then he’d personally postpone the apocalypse for the next hundred years while he’s here.”

“So we’re fucked then!” She said in despair, throwing her hands up in the air before burying her face in her hands.

“The hell is that supposed to mean?!” I asked, putting a hand on my hip and feeling a bit insulted at her doubting my ability to fall head over heels for someone! The nerve!

“Oh don’t you fuckin play dumb Taylor Goddamn Swift.” She yelled at me, jabbing her finger into my chest. “I have fucking yet to see you be in a relationship where it didn’t end up with you making another song and dance about how BAD AND TERRIBLE MY ‘ROOMMATE’ was! You really should get in a recording booth and make some songs about your exes, I bet you could give the actual Taylor a run for her goddamn money!”

“Now wait just a goddamn minute!” I fired back, getting angrier by the second as I raised my voice to match Claires. “Every one of those guys WERE assholes!”

“Oh really? Really? REALLY? Every single one huh? What about Jeff?”

“Listen Jeff snored like a goddamn foghorn at night and nothing worked to fix it, and he said he couldn't sleep unless he was in WereBear form”

“Dennis!?” She continued, her glare getting even more intense.

“He wanted to Turn me into a psychic vampire like him and wouldn’t stop asking okay? I don’t want to become a Denizen, what’s so fuckin hard to understand about that?”

“Vincent!?!”

“Come On, you know how often he went into the sewers?!”

“He’s a WereRat!” She yelled even louder, looking really pissed now, “They go in the sewers! It's’ what they goddamn do! You knew that when you started dating him! But because he played guitar and his normal form was attractive to you all of a sudden that doesn’t matter, ‘set me up on a date with him Claire, I’m sure we’ll be great together.’” she put on a falsetto voice as she mocked me about that before resuming her glower, “Not three fuckin weeks later you’re bitching to me about how fucking awful he is. Like you always goddamn do!”

“Cl-Claire come on…” Shit she was getting really into this now.

“Don’t you Claire me!” she seethed, crossing one leg over the other as she glowered even harder at me. “You always do this shit. What’s wrong with the current guy. What’s his name, Dale?”

“He keeps putting his scent all over the goddamn place! It’s gross!”

“IS HE, OR IS HE NOT, AN ALPHA MALE WEREWOLF?!”

“Come on Claire!” I yelled in exasperation, “You know real wolves don’t operate on that Alpha Beta bullshit anyway. It was debunked ages ago!” I turned around and huffed, not wanting to look at her as she tore into me.

“WE’RE NOT TALKING ABOUT NORMAL WOLVES, WE ARE TALKING ABOUT WEREWOLVES, WHICH ARE COMPLETELY DIFFERENT! See now I know you can tell you’re in the wrong when you’re feeding me bullshit half assed excuses like this. What kills me is there’s such an easy goddamn solution to all this drama you seem to have with guys, but you never do it!”

“What’s that?”

“Why the fuck don’t you just have one night stands, you dumbass! Why is it that you need to be in a relationship with every fuckin Denizen you find halfway attractive at a glance. If you just had casual sex like a reasonable person you’d probably be in a much better mood! But nooo, you need to move in with the guy, then get pissed off at him for ONE thing that you hyper focus on until it encompasses their entire personality for you, and suddenly you don’t get it at all for ages and are royally pissed all the fuckin time.”

She then pinched the bridge of her nose and slumped into her chair as she seemed to fight off a growing headache. “Except you can’t do that now, cause you quite literally need to get your obtrusively, obstinate, obnoxiously picky ever shifting standards for what your perfect denizen is to fall in love with in check, or This Devil is going to sweep you off your feet and then end the world.”

“It’s not guaranteed he’d end the world, he just said he’d inform me what he’d do should I fall ‘hopelessly in love with him.’ “ Mouth added for me without asking the rest of my goddamn body first. Mouth you are on thin ice today with your outbursts! Are you trying to get her to sling spells at me over here!

Nervously I met her gaze as I turned to look at her, and her green eyes were boring into me as she looked so pissed she actually started laughing. “Oh my god. Oh my god you actually have a crush on the apocalypse heralding Devil don’t you?”

Shit.

“DON’T YOU?! You think he’s fucking hot don’t you!? The guy that’s going to wipe out this whole fucking universe, and you have the hots for him?!

“I said he was an asshole!" I retorted, hating how defensive I was sounding right then, " I even punched him in the face! Lot of good that did, just said my hand was soft and he’d enjoy using it to pleasure himself with when the time came.”

“We’re all going to die.” She moaned, putting her face in her hands again.

“What?” I demanded, feeling frustrated more and more with how I could not get a leg up in this argument to save my ass.

“Don’t you get it you goddamn idiot?!” She said, her eyes actually looking misty. “He’s going to present himself as your most ideal partner ever! He’s going to be the most charming dashing fucker you ever laid eyes on, and you’re probably going to fall for it too! If you do, you’ll be killing way, WAY more people than your family ever did you mark my fucking words on that!”

She pulled her chair up and gripped me by the collar, glaring into me. “You are going to get over your picky ass and you are going to settle for some denizen so you can buy us time to avert the apocalypse entirely. You are going to try your absolute fucking hardest to fall in love with SOME unlucky asshole you pick. I suggest you pick Dale, cause he’s already there and he hasn’t left fucking yet! You are going to try your goddamn hardest to fall in love with whoever it is, and buy us that one hundred goddamn years to figure out how to save our universe from being destroyed. If you don’t, and I hear you end up getting chummy with this Devil…”

She glared daggers at me, “I will personally gather every coven in the goddamn area and take care of your ass my fucking self before the apocalypse hits! Now! If you need magical aphrodisiacs or bullshit like that to get over your goddamn self, I can help you with that, but don’t you fucking dare fall in love with that fucking Devil!”