Missing Conversations - 2. Alex and James

At the barbecue the brothers were having their usual squabble about whether to turn or not turn the steak regularly. They couldn’t agree on this and probably never would, so the usual result was to take charge of half each and cook by their method.

“Why did you ask Jared if he was gay?”

“I need to know’ replied James.

“That’s his business, not yours”

“Of course it’s my business, he’s our brother, why should it be a secret? You make no bones about constantly professing you are hetero. So why shouldn’t a gay man let his family know, if not the whole world?”

“Just because you think you’re gay, you don’t have to quiz everyone else about their sexuality.”

“You know, sometimes I wonder why you are always saying you’re not gay, even when not asked. Why is that?” asked James.

“With you hanging around all the time, some of my mates might get the wrong idea about me.”

“Are you sure it’s the wrong idea?”

“Fuck you James. Just cook and shut the fuck up.”

“I’ll tell Mum about that, you know she doesn’t like us using that word.”

“Firstly you used it earlier and secondly don’t you think you’re a bit old to be running off to Mum to dob?”

“Ok, point taken. So have you fucked a girl yet?”

“Shut up, you fag.”

“I’ll remember you said that, next time you want me to suck your dick.”

“Oh just go suck your own”

“I’m working on it, then I won’t need yours.”

<>

James walked off feeling he had been unfairly treated by his brother. He got a ginger beer and went looking for Jared, as he was in need of some understanding. He found Jared and Justin together and told Justin, Alex needed him to help with the barbecue.

When he had Jared to himself he asked “Are you really gay?”

“Of course” he answered figuring it would only confuse James if he told him he was bisexual.

“Then can you mentor me about being gay?”

“I’m not sure that is the sort of thing one mentors, you have to work that out for yourself.”

“I’ve already worked out that I’m gay, I just need some help with the details.”

“How would your mother feel about that?”

“She knows and besides, look around, can you find anyone here that’s not gay, except Alex, and sometimes I’m not convinced he’s straight either.”

“Why don’t you talk to Justin, you know him better?”

“That’s just it, I’ve known him all my life and he’s too close. I want someone who’s new in my life and doesn’t have any preconceived ideas about me.”

“I don’t want to be seen as encouraging you to be gay.”

“But it’s allright to encourage someone to be straight? It happens all the time.”

“I didn’t say that. How about you tell me what you want to know and we’ll take it from there. Fair enough?”

“That’s all I want, so can I have your number and I’ll call when I need advice.”

“There’s nothing you want to ask now?”

“I think it’s a bit public here, we could be interrupted anytime.”

“Have you got a phone?”

“Just as sure as I have a dick” James replied, as he reached into his pocket.

They exchanged numbers and James asked “Can I shout you a beer Jared?”

***

After lunch, Jared was again in demand, this time by Alex, who waited outside the bathroom for him and said “Can we talk now?”

“Sure what’s on your mind?”

“I want to talk about the army.”

They went out into the garden and Alex asked “Tell me what happened after your basic training in the army. How did you get into the SAS?”

“After basic army training I went into the infantry for two years. When I showed interest in the SAS I was sent for a series of psychological, physical and medical tests. Having passed all those, I was recommended for the SASR selection course. That is a three week course of near torture and those in charge show no mercy.”

“What do you have to do?”

“We were deprived of food, sleep and humanity while being pushed on ridiculously long treks and forced to scale near impossibly steep terrain.”

“Wow! sounds tough.”

“It was and all that had to be done while carrying a heavy pack. If you fall by the wayside, you’re left there and hardly anybody gets through this course without serious injury.”

“Were you injured?”

“Yes, I had two broken toes, that I could not have attended to for two days. I also had severe sunburn, near malnutrition and finally on the last day I broke my nose, when a rope bridge I was crossing was deliberately collapsed and I fell into a rocky river.”

“Sounds so macho.”

It’s not about being macho, it’s about surviving the selection process so you can go on to the employment training and reinforcement cycle for eighteen months.”

“Sounds like just the thing for me.”

“Why do you say that, it’s bloody tough and dangerous?”

“But you get to prove yourself to be a real man.”

“Depends on what you call a real man.”

“One who’s tough, can face anything and fuck women all night.”

“Where the fuck did that come from Alex?”

“Well you’ve got to be super fit to fuck all night and still do a full day’s work the next day.”

“Just back up a bit boy. I’m not sure where you’re heading with this. With an attitude like that, you wouldn’t make it past the first psychological test.”

“So when do you ship out for your next tour of duty?”

“Never, I’m not in the SAS anymore. In fact I’m not in the army anymore.”

“So what do you do now?”

“Um...I work for a rich woman as her...assistant.”

“What, like a secretary, that’s a bit of sissy job for you?”

“Not as such.”

“Then what sort of assisting do you do?”

“How old are you Alex?”

“Seventeen.”

“I suppose you’re old enough to tell you what I do, but don’t spread it around ok?”

“Is it illegal?”

“Of course not. The woman I work for is married to a man that is gay and he doesn’t sleep with her, for obvious reasons. But a woman still has needs to be satisfied. Are you with me?”

“I think so. She wants a fuck now and then?”

“Exactly, and that’s where I can help her.”

“You’re a male prostitute!”

“No, and keep your voice down.”

“So what is it you do exactly?”

“I am her intimate assistant and satisfy her womanly needs on a professional basis.”

“You fuck women for a living?”

“Only one and I prefer not to use that word, say intimate assistant.”

“Wow, that’s fabulous”

“Why do you say that?”

“You can advise me about fucking women.”

“What is it with you boys? Didn’t your parents give you any sex education?”

“Yes, the basics but I need details, techniques, what they really like. But why did you say, you boys?”

“I’ve just had a session with your brother who wanted to know the same.”

“But he’s a fag.”

“I know, that’s what he wanted advice on.”

“Fuck, that makes you every man’s man, a bisexual, a superman capable of fucking anything on two legs. You don’t do animals as well?”

“Don’t get carried away now.”

“No, that would be stupid, I’m sorry. But you said you had a partner named Thomas, right? He’s a man, and you fuck him too, as well as the rich woman?”

“Of course.”

“On the same day?”

“Sometimes.”

“Does he know about this woman?”

“Yes, he understands the situation”

“Bloody hell, I’m super impressed by you. Must be all that army training that made you such a powerful human being.”

“So do you think you might be bi?”

“I don’t think so, but I do let my brother suck my dick. He says he needs the practice.”

“Damn decent of you, but that doesn’t make you gay. Every man likes to have his dick sucked”

“Good, I wouldn’t want to be gay only, but after having spoken to you, being bi may not be such a bad thing. Still I’m sure I prefer women.”

“Your brother asked me for my number so he can call for advice, would you like to do that too?

“Oh yes, my own personal professional sex consultant, super.”

“That might be over-selling it a bit, but happy to help when I can.”

<>

Julia then called her sons “Boys, that was a good meal and I’m not sure that having two ways of cooking the steak is such a bad thing. It’s all been eaten so maybe our guests like a choice”

“Thanks Mum” replied Alex

“Yeah, nice to be appreciated” added James

“Now, what’s the next thing you have to do boys?”

“I know Mum” said Alex, then James added his bit “Clean the barbie while it’s still warm”

“Because it gets the grease off more easily” continued James.

As they went off to do their cleaning duties, Jared said to Julia “They really are close, they even finish each other’s sentences, like twins”

“Yes, it’s amazing, especially since they have different mothers.”

“And different fathers?” asked Jared, but only got a stare from Julia.

<>

“Give me the scraper” ordered Alex “You’re just making a mess of it”

“Just because you’re older, doesn’t mean you always know better”

“Yes I do”

“No you don’t. Remember Mum said both methods of cooking the steak are appreciated. So we’re both right, I have to admit”

“Was that difficult?” asked Alex

“To admit I’m right? No it’s just natural”

“Argh! I give up.”

“Good, then give me the scraper.”

“I meant, I give up on you.”

“Even better, does that mean you’ll stop telling me how to do everything?”

“Not when you’re wrong”

“Well, I’m not wrong about Jared, he is gay. He told me himself. And what’s more he’s going to be my mentor on all things gay, isn’t that absolutely fabulous.”

“Sounds like you’ve already got the talk down pat.”

“Don’t you mean Patsy Darling?”

“Enough of the gay talk. Anyway you’re not the only one Jared’s going to help.”

“What’s he going to do for you?”

“Give me sex advice”

“I knew it, knew it, knew it. You are gay” exclaimed James

“I’m not, he’ll give me advice about women.”

“How can a gay man give you hetero sex advice?”

“Um...you’re probably right. I shouldn’t have said anything.”

“Hey, stop right there. What did you say?”

“Nothing, drop it.”

“Oh no, I’m onto you now and you know what happens when I want to find out that you’re trying to keep a secret from me”

“Yes, unfortunately, you’re like a dog with a bone.”

“And you give yourself away all the time. Bone, boner, we’re talking about dicks here, aren’t we.”

“I’m telling you straight, there’s nothing to find out”

“Ah, straight, there’s another clue. I can read you like a book”

“Can’t”

“Did you call me a cunt?”

“No and don’t let Mum hear you say that. You know she likes us to use the correct terms for a woman’s anatomy. It’s vagina, not that I was talking about that, anyway.”

“Oh, I think you were.”

“Now what would Poirot make of all these clues?”

“You said Jared was going to give you sex advice, but you profess to be straight. So either you’re lying about that... or ... or... he’s going to give you sex advice about women. And if that’s true how would he know? Did he read up on it? No, he could just give you the book. So how else would he know about fucking women... unless he’s done it himself.”

James thought for a moment, then exclaimed “The bastard, he lied to me, he’s not gay afterall. Why would he do that. I’m going to confront him right now and get to the truth.”

As James dropped the cleaning tools and turned, Alex yelled “Stop, I’ll tell you.”

James turned back towards Alex and said “So?”

It was then Alex noticed the whole party had stopped and were staring at the brothers.

“Ah, nothing wrong here. James was just trying to get out of cleaning the barbie.”

When the conversation continued, James put his hands on his hips and demanded “Spill”

“Keep this to yourself because I shouldn’t be telling you. You know how Jared used to be in the SAS, well all that training makes a man super fit.”

“Yeah that’s obvious, but hardly a secret”

“Not that bit, it’s because he’s super fit that he can fuck both men and women”

“Is that a requirement?”

“No, but it means he can do it to both on the same day.”

“You’re saying he sticks it to both men and women, but who?”

“His boyfriend, of course, and the woman he works for. It’s called being bisexual”

“No it’s called having an affair and being unfaithful. What a bastard!”

“No it’s not in his case. He does it professionally and his partner knows about it.”

“So he’s going to be our mentor about having sex with men and women?”

“Looks like that”

“Wow, this is going to be fun” concluded James.