Missing Conversations - 4. Justin

With all the attention Jared was getting from the boys, Justin was feeling a bit unneeded. Usually he was the one in demand by his cousins. Finally he managed to get Jared’s ear and said “You’re definitely the star of the show today, are the boys too much?”

“Not at all, they’re young and curious, that’s good. But I suppose my novelty will wear off eventually.”

“I doubt that, but I know how curious and interrogative they can be. A few years back, Craig and I had a few days with them at Forster, just after Christmas and I remember them giving Craig the third degree. Just because he’s a nurse they expected him to be an expert on all sexual matters. They were particularly curious about lesbians”

“Well, they haven’t changed. Sex is still their favourite subject. Did you know James thinks he’s gay?” asked Jared.

“He hasn’t mentioned it directly, but I’ve had my suspicions.”

“That’s weird, he hasn’t stopped talking about it today. I asked why he doesn’t talk to you about it, and he just said you were too close. Is there a hidden meaning there?”

“Not that I know of, we have always been close, but I’m surprised it’s had that effect. I would have expected the opposite.”

“Maybe you should try to get him talking some time, I think he needs a confidant.”

“Mmm, I’m feeling I’ve been replaced already.”

Jared gave Justin a hug and added “Nonsense, I’m just the new kid on the block being tested.”

“So did Alex want your advice as well?” Justin asked a bit curtly.

“Sure did, but I think the kid’s got a problem with his sexual identity.”

“Does he think he’s gay also?”

“No, quite the opposite, but he’s not sure what a real man is.”

“Do any of us know?”

“What I mean is, he thinks a real man has to be tough and can fuck a woman all night.”

“Wow, I hadn’t heard that from him.”

“And when I admitted I was bi, he saw that as maybe something to aspire to, though I don’t think there’s a gay gene in his body or an inclination in his mind. He got carried away with my army background and equated that toughness with a sexual identity.”

“He sounds very confused. Maybe I haven’t been such a good big cousin after all”

“Don’t beat yourself up over it. All kids grow up differently and with two mothers, I can see how a boy might find the journey to manhood confusing.”

“Did he mention the lack of a father figure?” asked Justin.

“No, but I’m sure he misses that. Do they know their fathers?”

“They don’t even know how they were conceived.”

“He said they had basic sex education”

“I don’t mean that. I mean they don’t know if it was regular sex or AI or a test tube job. I don’t even know, for that matter.”

“But Julia was quite open about it, when we first met. She told me they used a sperm bank when I asked.”

“You asked...why?’

“I think the subject of sperm donor came up while I was trying to explain my job to her. Anyway the point is if you don’t ask, you won’t be told.”

“I could never ask that, it’s not what we do in this family. But I do remember getting a lecture from Craig about the boys not knowing. I told him it was not our business, but I’m having different thoughts about that now.”

“What do you mean, it’s not what we do?”

“Well, it’s not what I do. I grew up in a family situation that was difficult and one thing I learned was to keep out of my father’s way and not ask questions. As an only child I had no siblings to ask about stuff and just accepted that’s how life is”

“That changes right this moment, now you’ve got a brother.”

“Thanks, I like the sound of that.”

“Good, so how can big brother help?”

“Now? I’m ok for now, but it’s nice to know you’re available if I need to talk. But I’m really a very private person”

“A man who takes his clothes off for a living?”

Justin laughed and replied “I’m very private about my feelings and sharing with others”

“Even with Craig?”

“Sometimes, it’s just conditioning”

“Well, call me anytime you want to talk, or even if you don’t want to talk, but are wrestling mentally with a problem.”

“Do you want another drink?” Justin asked

“Yeah, another beer would be great”

“And then I might talk to you about something?” Jared smiled, but said nothing.

<>

When Justin returned, Jared asked “So what is it?”

“What’s what?” Justin asked

“You wanted to talk about something”

“Oh it doesn’t matter”

“Yes it does, if it’s troubling you, get it out. Just try it”

Justin was silent for a moment then asked brightly, “How can you have sex with a woman, I couldn’t do that?”

“I’m happy to answer that Justin, but that’s not really what’s bothering you, is it?”

“How do you know?”

“I can see it in your face and hear it in your words. Is it about Craig or your relationship?”

“Well, sort of. I love him madly and I know he loves me, but sometimes I feel ...like he doesn’t treat me as an equal.”

“You mean he takes the initiative in sex?”

“No it’s not sex, we couldn’t be more compatible. I know he made me an equal partner in the business legally and financially, but ... sometimes...I think I’m just a body to him and I don’t have a brain”

“You mean he makes all the decisions?”

“Well sort of. He likes some of my suggestions, but I feel like I always need his permission to do anything businesswise.”

“Does he often knock back any of your ideas?”

“No, but he doesn’t tell me they’re good ideas.”

“But he accepts them anyway?”

“Generally yes.”

“So what you’re really looking for is reassurance, maybe even a little praise?”

“Yes, is that unreasonable?”

“Not at all, we all need to feel needed. So I take it you haven’t discussed this with him.”

“No, I don’t want to appear needy and he’d just say get over it. He’s so confident in himself he doesn’t see that not everybody is like that.”

“When you put your ideas to him, don’t do it in such a way as to seek his permission or approval. Show your own confidence by presenting it as a statement of this is what we’ll do.”

“Then he’d think I was a bully”

“No it’s not bullying it’s being assertive. Try it.”

“Use words like, we should, instead of can we, or do you think it would be good if. Present your ideas as if they’ve already been tested and proven. Then he won’t feel you’re looking for his approval, just his agreement.”

“Do you think that will work?” asked Justin doubtfully.

“No, that’s not the way, try it again.”

“That’s an excellent idea Jared” Justin said with a little more confidence.

“Bravo!”

***

At the end of the day goodbyes were said by all. As Jared and Justin prepared to leave, Hannah called out “Wait, I have something for you.”

While waiting, Julia gave Jared another hug and said “It’s just so good to have you in my life, son.”

“And the same here Mum” he whispered

“Now make sure you keep in touch” then looking at Justin said “You make sure he does, a bit more often than you do”

“We’ll remind each other” Jared replied.

Hannah came back, handed Jared a shopping bag and said “Some salads for you and your man. Not that I’m trying to convert you, they’re just leftovers”

Jared laughed, Justin looked vague and Julia said “Subtle isn’t she?”

“Now boys” Jared addressed to Alex and James “A big year at school for both of you, so I expect to hear good news from your mothers about how hard you study.”

“Yes Sir!” replied Alex as he gave a salute.

Not to be outdone, James added “Yas, your buffness!”

Julia and Hannah weren’t sure whether to laugh or scowl, so both kept a straight face.

Justin walked out the door first and as Jared turned for a final wave he saw both boys holding a hand to the side of the head, thumb up near the ear and little finger down near the mouth.

He threw a kiss to all.