A Marching Band Story - 9. Chapter 9

I stood in my room, shocked without any idea of how to continue. Part of me wanted to hang up right then and there, unwilling to delve into the bottomless sea of emotions I had chosen to ignore and pretend like I never answered the phone. But something in me, call it heartbroken longing or a spark of desperate hope, pushed me to keep talking.

I took a deep breath. “Kyle. To be honest, this was not a call I was ever expecting to receive, especially not from you.”

“I know, I know”, Kyle said dismissively, “I am a huge dick and an asshole, I get that now. I have actually been talking through some of my problems with my friends and things are going pretty well, but this is not about me, this is about Connor.”

Hearing his name again sent a wave of excruciating emotional pain through my body, causing my vision to lose focus for a moment. “Well, I am glad to hear you’re beginning to figure things out, Kyle. I appreciate that you thought I would be a good person to call, but, as I am sure you know by now, we aren’t seeing each other anymore, so I don’t think I’ll be of much help.”

“That’s exactly why I’m calling you, Jarrod! You two broke up or whatever, and now you are the only one who can help Connor to get better.”, Kyle said emphatically, clearly frustrated, not with me, but with the situation at hand.

I took a second to think. “I’m sorry, Kyle, you’ve lost me. I don’t really know how I could be helpful to Con–, to him. Besides, even if his parents let me see him, I wouldn’t trust myself to not attack the demon he has for a mother.”

Kyle paused, clearly taken back by my strong words. “Okay, wow, I mean, Connor’s parents told me things did not end well, but I didn’t know it was that bad.” Kyle paused again, longer this time, before continuing. “Jarrod, the truth is that we are all worried about Connor, his parents included. He hasn’t left his house since he got back from the trip, and for the past couple of days, all he has done is sleep in his room. He’s barely eating anymore, and he refuses to talk with anyone but me. He needs you, and I think his parents are finally recognizing that too, they are the ones that asked me to call you.”

All of that information hit me like a ton of bricks, bringing me to sit down at the edge of my bed. The fact that Connor’s parents wanted to reach out to me was a testament to just how much they feared for Connor’s wellbeing. I tried to reconcile what Kyle just told me with the image of my perfect boyfriend in my mind, but it seemed impossible that Connor would ever spiral so hard into depression. He has been hurting this entire time, without anyone to pull him out of his own despair. Anger combined with a feeling of protectiveness overwhelmed me, boiling my blood and causing me to shake with anxiety and raw emotional energy.

“I’ll be at his house as soon as possible”, I said, not even trying to hide the angry determination in my voice.

“Thank you so much, Jarrod, you have no idea how much this means. I’m just leaving Connor’s house right now, so I’ll let his parents know. I have no idea how hard this probably is for you, but you have always been the strongest person I know. I guess what I am trying to say is I am grateful for you Jarrod, I really am”.

I was surprised by how much Kyle’s kind words meant to me. “Of course, Kyle, I’m sorry that you have had a rough go of it lately. Your willingness to learn and put in the work is incredibly admirable, and despite this being one of the most difficult times in my life, I am glad you called me.”

“It was my pleasure”, Kyle responded matter-of-factly, and with that, we ended the conversation.

It took me several minutes to get control of my breathing as I closed my eyes and let all of the emotions I had pushed down for so long take hold of me once more. Was I mad at Connor? No, I wasn’t. Connor was essentially cut down at an extremely vulnerable point in his journey towards self-acceptance and was then involuntarily pushed in the opposite direction by the words of a concerned but misguided parent. The actions he performed were not his own, so I knew I did not want to blame him for what he did. That being said, what happened still hurt me beyond belief. I went through hell dealing with Connor’s rejection of me, and multiple times after the trip I had decided altogether that love just wasn’t for me. All of the searing anger, drowning depression, suffocating despair, and devastating self-hate were not just going to go away because I decided not to blame Connor. I still had to figure out how to deal with everything I was feeling, the difference was that for the first time in forever I had the possibility of facing those emotions with someone else, someone who I loved more than anyone in the entire universe.

After agonizing over what I was going to wear for several minutes, I decided to keep it simple with a pair of dark jeans, a black t-shirt, and a red flannel. I made my way downstairs, preparing what I was going to say to my parents when I practically ran into them.

“Hey Jarrod”, my dad said with his trademark joviality, “how’s it going?”

I hesitated for a moment, trying to find my courage. “Oh, uh, hey Dad, I was actually just looking for you. Is Mom around?”

“I’m in the kitchen”, Mom yelled from the other room, and so I slowly made my way to the kitchen table, my dad closely following behind.

I took a steadying breath, my mom and dad realizing just how nervous I was at that moment. “Alright, so, I just got off the phone with Kyle, and he asked me on behalf of Connor’s parents to go and see Connor. Apparently, Connor is in a really dark place right now, and I am the only one who can help him.”

My parents looked at each other, and then looked back at me, my mother being the first to speak. “Wow, honey, that’s a lot to deal with, are you sure you’re up for this?”

“Yes”, I said with a confidence I didn’t know I had, “I know my relationship with Connor really messed me up, but I love him. I still love him after everything, and he needs me, so how can I not do this?”

My dad crossed his arms, a look of begrudging reluctance settling on his face. “Jarrod, buddy, this Connor guy hurt you. Your mom and I sat by and watched just how much pain you went through, and I don’t know how comfortable we are having you run off as soon as he calls you back.”

“Dad, I hear what you're saying, I do, and it’s not like I’m just going to ignore all of the shitty feelings I went through because of this whole situation, but I have faith that this can work out between us. Call it naivete or hopeless romanticism, but I love Connor, and I cannot just let that go.”

My mom and dad looked at each other once more, coming to some sort of unspoken agreement. “Jarrod”, my mom finally said, “We support you in your decision, but we also want to protect you from being hurt again. Bottom line is that we just want you to be careful.”

I took a moment to let their words sink in. “Mom, Dad, I promise I will be careful, and I truly appreciate your support and unconditional love, I—, you have no idea just how helpful you have been.”

Tears began to roll down my face, and my parents were right there, wrapping me in the warmest hug. After bawling my eyes out for a good five minutes, I decided I couldn’t stall any longer. I said goodbye to my parents, got in my car, and started the long drive to Connor’s house.

The unfortunate thing about having a narrow spectrum of music tastes is that you end up hearing the same songs over and over again. Usually, this would not be a problem, but as I got on the highway “Fly Me to the Moon” started to play, and I was instantly transported back to that moonlit night. Tears began to roll down my face as I let myself feel the full weight of the pure unadulterated sadness that was at the root of everything. Sure, I was angry, frustrated, lovesick, grief-stricken, and so much more, but at the core, I was experiencing an absolute lack of joy. Connor had become my everything, maybe even my very reason for living, but then he was ripped from me, and I don’t think I ever really recovered from that. I convinced myself to be excited for college as a feeble attempt to fill the void. Connor was always what I wanted, and everything I tried to distract myself with fell far too short.

As the song ended, I began to ponder if Connor was feeling everything I was, and if so, how much more difficult it must be for him with at least one parent who does not truly accept him. If it weren’t for the love of my friends and family, I am sure I would have collapsed into darkness, and what that meant for Connor terrified me. I decided to drive faster, too worried about my boyfriend to care about getting pulled over.

Connor’s house was about 30 minutes from my own, and I soon found myself pulling into his driveway, a densely packed ball of nerves. I had never actually been to his house, I just knew where it was as I had picked up Kyle from this house for sectionals many times. I took one last moment by myself to catch my breath, and then I exited my car, slowly made my way to the front door, and gave a gentle knock.

Despite asking me to come over, when Connor’s mother answered the door I was met with a look of disgust. “Hello Jarrod”, she said my name as if it were a bad taste, “how nice of you to drop by.”

“Ms. Olson, I came as soon as I possibly could.” I decided to try for polite courtesy even though I was clearly unwelcome here.

“Yes, Kyle said he gave you a call and asked you to come talk to Connor, although I am still not in complete agreement with that decision, you are the reason my innocent boy is like this in the first place after all.”

I took a deep breath. “The fact that you believe that tells me you are a terrible example of a mother who has yet to understand that loving her child unconditionally is her most important job, and I am truly sorry that Connor has had to endure that for so long on his own.” So much for manners, I guess.

Fire burned in her eyes as her face contorted into an ugly snarl. “If my Connor had never met you, disgrace to humanity that you are, he would never have had to endure any of this.”

“Between the two of us, a mother who refuses to accept and celebrate her own son for loving who he wants feels like the bigger disgrace, don’t you think?”

Before Ms. Olson could respond, Mr. Olson arrived to save the day. “You must be Jarrod! Hello, please, come in, I am sure my wife was just about to welcome you to our home!”, he said, obviously glaring daggers at Ms. Olson.

I made my way inside the front door, taking off my shoes and following Mr. Olson to the living room. “Thank you, Mr. Olson, for inviting me over, although I wish it was under happier circumstances.”

Mr. Olson gave me a defeated smile. “Please Jarrod, call me Jack, and this is my wife Stacy, but it seems you two have already spoken. We cannot thank you enough for coming over on such short notice.”

We were seated now, me opposite Connor’s parents. “I love Connor, so it only made sense that I should try to talk to him.”

At those words, Ms. Olson resumed her attempt at incinerating me with her gaze, but Mr. Olson took her hand in his. “Jarrod, that’s what we were hoping to talk about with you, your relationship with Connor”, Mr. Olson began. “I hope you understand that this all came as a shock to Stacy and me. It’s not that we haven’t noticed the increasing public acceptance of the LGBT community, we just were never expecting that our own son would identify as such. This is new for us, and we are still trying to figure all of it out, but we know that this whole situation probably was not handled in the best way. I was on a business trip when your band directors called Stacy with the news…”, Mr. Olson trailed off, looking at his wife.

Ms. Olson now refused to look at me as she spoke. “Yes, this whole same-sex couple business is completely new to us”, she received a glare from her husband, “but we are doing our best to try and understand. I admit that I might have influenced Connor in a way I should not have, which caused him to make some rash and possibly harmful decisions, and I suppose I am sorry. Nevertheless, we need your help.”

I took a moment to let their words wash over me. It was clear that Mr. Olson was much more motivated to understand and accept his son than Ms. Olson, and for that, I was incredibly grateful. Still, I could see he was struggling to encourage his wife to do the same, so I decided to do something bold, but necessary.

“Do you even know what you mean by ‘help’?”, I asked rhetorically, “Because it seems to me that you haven’t entirely thought this through. Were you expecting me to come over, wake Connor up from his extreme depressive episode, and then leave because everything would resolve itself? In all honesty, I don’t see any scenario in which this does not end in me reentering Connor’s life as an important figure, so are you really ready for that?”

Mr. Olson was the first to speak after a long, tense silence. “Yes, I am. You clearly mean so much to Connor, and while I am still figuring out what all of this means for me, I know that it is probably better to have you in Connor’s life than out of it.”

“No!”, Ms. Olson yelled all of sudden, clearly at her boiling point. “This is just not right, none of this is! You’re both boys for God’s sake, you are not supposed to love each other like that. It’s not normal, and you’re kidding yourselves by thinking as much. How can two boys have romantic feelings for each other, that isn’t natural! There is no way you could truly love my Connor, absolutely none!”

Mr. Olson held his head in his hands, apparently used to this argument but nevertheless annoyed by Ms. Olson’s words. I took another several minutes before speaking, trying to find the right words to say.

“You mean your Connor, who loves the outdoors more than anyone I know, and has a respect for the majesty of natural world that is nothing less than admirable? You mean your Connor, whose compassion and empathy knows no bounds? You mean your Connor, who spent the time and energy befriending every rookie in the drumline this year in order to make them feel welcome? You mean your Connor, who is wise beyond his years, and his mature insight even humbles me at times? You mean your Connor, who is filled with laughter, kindness, beauty, strength, tenderness, and above all else, is filled with an overwhelming, infinite amount of love? Because if this is the Connor you are speaking about, then how can I not love him with every fiber of my being?”

I was shaking uncontrollably now as I was sure these were the most important words I had ever spoken. I hadn’t even noticed that I had begun to cry until my eyes met Ms. Olson’s own tear-stained face.

She paused before speaking, giving herself a moment to gather herself. “Is—, is that really how you see my son?”

“Absolutely”, I responded immediately, “he is my everything.”

“I’ve been a fool, haven’t I?”, Ms. Olson said between sniffles. “I would be lying if I said I am suddenly comfortable with all of this, but I see now that what you and Connor have is… genuine. I know it will take a lot of work for me to understand, but I would be willing to try, if only for the sake of my son.”

I couldn’t help but smile, finally seeing a way forward. “I appreciate that, Ms. Olson. So, what’s the plan?”

Mr. Olson took this as his cue to jump back into the conversation. “Well, we were hoping you would just go in and talk to him? He has all but stopped communicating with Stacy and me, and he only really gives one word responses to Kyle. So, having you walk in and talk to him we thought would be the best course of action.”

So no plan, got it. “Yeah, umm, I can work with that I guess, but I would also appreciate some privacy, if you don’t mind?”

Mr. and Ms. Olson looked awkwardly at each other. “Of course”, Mr. Olson responded, “Connor’s room is the first door on the left as soon as you walk upstairs. We’ll just stay down here, to give you two some space.”

I thanked them both, and then I made my way to the stairs. I could feel my heart pounding inside my chest, my heart rate higher than it ever had been. I felt as if I was experiencing every emotion at once with nervous anxiety coming out on top. Each step brought me closer to the boy of my dreams and closer to a full-blown anxiety attack, but I had to push through. The only thing that probably got me to the top of the stairs was my longing for Connor, my desperate need to see him again, to feel him in my arms once more. I stood at his door, my hand hovering over the doorknob until I couldn’t stand the anticipation any longer. I turned the knob and swung open the door in one swift motion, not prepared for what I was about to see.

Connor was as beautiful as always, but I could tell he had begun to neglect his health. His body was somewhat thinner, his bones slightly more visible as he slept on top of his covers. His eyes had deep bags under them, characteristic of someone for whom sleep had not come easy. His hair was matted, but still that gorgeous golden brown color. His skin was paler, having been kept from the sun for an extended period of time. In addition, the smell told me Connor had not showered in several days, but despite all of this, he was still my perfect boyfriend, and the love that swelled within me at seeing his face was enough to satisfy me for several lifetimes.

I slowly made my way over to the bed, careful as to not wake Connor from his tenuous slumber. I gently climbed into the bed, and lightly wrapped my arms around my young lover for the first time in weeks. Connor immediately began to relax into my touch, almost instantly sleeping easier. We stayed like that for several minutes; I was too content and too afraid to do anything more.

I was about ready to doze off when Connor spoke all of a sudden. “I know as soon as I open my eyes, you’ll disappear, and I’ll be all alone again, because you’re not actually here, but you feel so… real.”

He sounded utterly broken, his voice raspy from disuse. “Connor”, I said as softly as I have ever said anything, “turn around and open your eyes.”

Silent tears began to fall from his face as his body heaved. “T–t–that’s what y–y–you always s–s–say, and t–t–then you l–l–leave, because I p–p–pushed you away!”

Connor was bawling now, and I squeezed him even tighter. “Connor, please just turn around, I promise I am not going anywhere. While you might have pushed me away, I never really left.”

Between sobs, Connor slowly turned around in his bed, his eyes still closed. Once he was facing me, he slowly opened his eyes, and he gasped. He abruptly wrapped me in a vice grip, holding on for dear life as he convulsed with tears. We stayed like that for an eternity. I simply held Connor as his emotions laid waste to his body, and soon enough he cried himself to exhaustion.

I let him catch his breath before speaking. “Connor, hey, I didn’t mean to startle you or cause you any distress, I just needed to feel you in my arms again.”

“I can’t believe you’re actually here. You’re really really here. I just…, this is a dream come true.”

“Of course I’m here. While I might have had my doubts, I don’t think I ever could have left without seeing you again, and when you parents reached out saying that you needed help, well, there was no other option but to run to you.”

Connor looked me in the eyes for the first time that day, and they were even more handsome than I remembered. “I am so sorry. I—, everything that happened, it was just so out of control. I thought I—”, he began to choke up, “I thought I was strong enough, that my love for you was strong enough, but it wasn’t, because I’m a stupid, weak, pitiful excuse of a boyfriend that is undeserving of love!”

“Hey hey hey hey hey, you were terrified, alone, and above all vulnerable. Add in a mom who didn’t accept you, and no one can blame you for your actions. I know I certainly don’t. You are absolutely deserving of my love, because you are my entire world, Connor, and I will never, ever leave you.”

Connor began to cry again, but this time they were tears of joy. “Y–y–you really m–m–mean that?”

“I do. Even if I have to tell you every day, every hour, and every minute of our time together, I will, because I could love no one else as much as I love you.”

“But not every second, that would be asking too much?”, Connor laughed while wiping the tears from his eyes.

His laugh hadn’t lost any of its infectiousness. “Every second if I have to, Connor.”

“But then we won’t have any time for anything else, right?”

“Oh, I don’t know about that, because I’m thinking about spending the rest of my life with you.”

At those words, Connor climbed on top of me, leaned down, and kissed me, and this kiss was the first kiss of the rest of my life.

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10 YEARS LATER

There were many paths before us, but for some reason, it seemed easier this time to pick the ones least traveled. It didn’t take that long to find the most out-of-the-way winding trail, and we began our journey into the mountainside. As expected, this trail happened to have many offshoots, but selecting the least used and most secluded routes must have been much faster the second time around, as our little trio soon found ourselves completely alone.

We had once again been transported to an ethereal world of natural beauty. The familiar scent of pine mixed with the sounds of the birds and the streams and the brooks lulled Connor and me into a nostalgic sense of contentment and security. We walked hand in hand, trying to soak up as much tranquility as we could as we swung our bundle of joy between the two of us

After what felt like an eternity of peace, we found ourselves at what still felt like the most isolated place in all the world. There was a somewhat less sizable ledge that jutted out from the side of the mountain where an old boulder weathered smaller had been laid to rest, on top of which we could see the entirety of the mountain range. Above us, the sky was still a painted masterpiece, and at that moment we knew we had found the right spot.

Braden was the first one to break the silence. “Dad, so this is what you meant when you said that Banff was the most beautiful place in all the earth.”

I smiled at our child, almost 13 years old now. “Yes Brady, this is what I and your Dad have been telling you about ever since you came into our lives.”

Connor couldn’t help but grin that mischievous smile I had memorized so long ago. “This is actually the exact spot where your Dad and I had our first fight, if I remember correctly.”

“Wow, yeah Connor, you’re right, but I would hardly call it a fight. It was more of an argument that was easily resolved, a misunderstanding really.”

Connor giggled. “I don’t know, you were pretty worked up…”

“I was not!”, I said while playfully hitting him.

“You absolutely were!”, Connor responded, wrapping me in a quick hug.

“Come to think of it”, Braden interjected, “I don’t think I’ve ever heard the full story of how you two met. I mean, I know it happened here in Canada, that’s why I have been begging to go for forever, but it’s been a story you’ve kind of left out on, Dad.”

I looked first at Connor, and then at Braden with nothing but pure love in my eyes. “Yeah, it was a story your father and I were holding off on until you were older, but seeing as we are back at where it all began, it’s not a bad idea I guess.”

“We should tell him”, Connor added, “and by we, I mean you, because you always know how to tell the best stories.”

“Well, that settles it! Who’s ready to hear a marching band story?”