What Is True Love Anyway? - 8. Chapter 8

Part I - Life Sucks!

Eventually the notoriety of Dan's heroism died away. And not a day too soon, either, for Sam was getting about as tired of it as the rest of the kids in school. Nothing more was said about the boys' sexual orientation, either because of the things Randy and Kathy had said at the assembly or because Randy always seemed to be hovering about as though he were their guardian angel. Either way, the boys were thankful and continued to be careful about allowing their feelings for each other to show outside their homes.

Entering high school the following fall allowed even greater anonymity because four junior highs poured students into it. Tenth grade seemed to pull the boys further apart in many ways. Sam's singing group became rather popular and kept him busy with his other friends. It also exposed him to more girls when the group played their various gigs. Dan became more active at church and in the band but didn't develop many deep friendships. Dan also had to spend more time with his studies than Sam did, and that kept him from socializing very much.

They still spent as much time together as they could and took advantage of every opportunity they could find to share their new-found love of oral sex. But even those started to come less often. Sam continued to outpace Dan in physical development. His body toned up more, his pubic bush far exceeded Dan's, and his cock, when erect, became huge while Dan's was barely five inches long and still fairly slender. At times, Dan had trouble with oral sex, and he had already decided that anal sex was out of the question.

By the end of the second semester, Dan was beginning to feel that something was wrong with their relationship. He barely made it through finals and made the grades he did only because his dad literally sat in the same room with him at home and made him study. He began to fret about things that normally wouldn't have bothered him. He became short tempered and irritable at home, and his family was glad when July rolled around, and it came time for him and Sam to go to summer camp.

Dan was glad, too, because he hoped two weeks essentially by themselves would prove him wrong. He desperately hoped that there really wasn't anything wrong with his relationship with Sam.

Unfortunately, camp didn't help matters. In fact, it seemed to make them worse. It seemed to Dan that his boyfriend kept looking for ways to distance himself. Sam worked it so that he and Dan weren't on the same horseback overnight. He made friends with other guys right away and found things to do with them that didn't include his lover. And when they were in the lake swimming, he always made it a point not to get too close to Dan. In all the previous years, they had used the murky lake as a place to freely grope one another during free swim.

Finally, the straw that broke the camel's back - middle Saturday movie and dance with the girls' camp. Naturally, Dan wasn't expecting to spend much time with Sam, but he found himself constantly watching him. He couldn't help but notice that Sam was dancing a lot with Pam, a girl from their school. He saw that they were always unusually close during the slow dances. It all got to be too much eventually, and Dan slipped from the hall and went out by the lake by himself.

Sitting down on the little sandy beach, he stared out over the lake, watching the ripples from the wind gently ruffling the moon's reflection. Seeing Sam and Pam together started him thinking. This was what had been upsetting him for most of the second semester of school. Sam had been spending an awful lot of time with Pam, time that he could have been spending with Dan. He began to realize that some of Sam's excuses for not being available to do things had sounded kind of lame.

It wasn't long before tears were flowing freely from his eyes. Tears of fear, rejection, loss, frustration, dejection - you name it, he had 'em. From time to time he would rest his forehead on his knees and sob quietly. It was at one of these moments that Sam came and sat down beside him.

"What's wrong, Dan? How come you're out here by yourself?"

"Why shouldn't I be? You've been avoiding me all night. In fact, you've been avoiding me all week."

"I'm not avoiding you," Sam answered defensively. "I just make friends more easily than you do and I've been spending time with them, that's all."

"No, that isn't all, Samuel," Dan said, tears starting to fall freely once again.

"Oh yeah? So what else is there, Dan?"

There was a lengthy pause as Dan worked to get his tears and his voice under control. Finally, he tried to speak what was on his heart.

"Samuel, do you realize how long it's been since you called me Danny?"

"No, why?" was Sam's quick response, entirely too quick.

Dan jumped up, no longer able to contain his inner anguish or his tears. Hardly able to speak through the emotion that was threatening to choke him, he spoke in little more than a whisper.

"If you have to ask, Samuel, there isn't any point in answering!"

With that, he took off as fast as he could for the boys' camp, stumbling blindly in the dark, the tears pouring from his eyes making it even more difficult to see the ruts and potholes in the dirt road. By the time he got to their cabin, his arms and legs were covered with cuts and bruises, especially his knees. He washed up as well as he could at the sink and collapsed into his bed where he cried himself to sleep. He knew Sam would tell the counselors where he had gone, but he didn't really care. Camp had certainly proven something, but it wasn't what Dan had hoped for.

The second week of camp was miserable - for both boys. There was no way they could ask to be put in separate cabins, and this forced them to wear a mask that felt foreign to them, like wearing somebody else's clothes. They were used to wearing a mask that hid their love for each other. Those masks were made easier by the love itself and the fact that they could always find some way to communicate their love privately.

But a mask that hid the depth of their sorrow was a different matter altogether, for there was nothing either of them could do which would allow them to remove it from time to time and be themselves. Almost every night of the second week of camp, Sam was awake and knew when Dan slipped from his bunk and left the cabin. He was certain in his heart that his friend was going off by himself to cry, but he found himself unable (or unwilling) to follow him and try to console him. And it wasn't like Sam didn't have his own problems. He, too, frequently cried himself to sleep. Life had become all too confusing.

For his part, Dan was desolate. He could feel Sam slipping away from him and could see no way to prevent it. In his heart, he was already convinced that Sam wasn't truly homosexual. Some sixth sense seemed to be telling him this, and Sam's behavior at the dance seemed to confirm his suspicions. His inner conflict was slowly tearing him apart.

While Sam’s interest in girls was becoming obvious, Dan didn't feel attracted to girls at all and was convinced that he really was homosexual. This created sadness from two aspects - that he was different and would be all his life and would have to hide his difference from just about everyone he knew, and that his love for Samuel was no longer being returned in equal measure. It used to be that their love for each other fed each other's love. They gave and got back in return. Now his love was going into some bottomless pit. He had no way to express himself, and therefore had no outlet for his torment.

He couldn't be angry at Samuel, he loved him. The pain he felt blocked out all other emotions. It wasn't like Sam had cheated on him with another guy or even with a girl, for Dan was convinced that hadn't happened. He couldn't strike back at Sam either. How could he? Neither had chosen their sexual preference. How could he blame Sam for something he hadn't actually done?

So his remorse was endless and without expression. Every night he snuck out of the cabin and slipped into the woods nearby. He would watch the cabin for at least 10 minutes to insure that none of the other boys or the counselor had followed him, then he would go down to the lake where he would cry his heart out. But it did no good. He never felt that he could really let himself go, scream and shout and really let go. He couldn't afford to be heard. So, he always had to exert a stifling control of his emotions.

Sam tried to talk about it their last night in camp. Walking at the back of the crowd on the way back from the final campfire, he had slipped his hand into Dan's and asked him in a whisper if they could go somewhere and talk. But Dan had refused. Just the touch of Sam's hand brought tears to his eyes. That touch was soft and gentle and filled with loving memories, and yet at the same time it was filled with such pain, the pain of unrequited love. It took every ounce of emotional strength for him to respond even briefly.

"I can't Samuel," he said in a choked whisper. "It hurts too much. We have to wait until we're at home. Just know that I love you."

With that he pulled his hand away and they walked silently to their cabin, falling further and further behind so that the other boys were already in bed and didn't see the tears and turmoil on their faces when they entered. Yes, Sam was crying too. He had loved Dan once, the same way Dan still loved him. He loved him still, but now he was confused by another love.

A week passed after they returned from camp before they finally had their private talk. Their parents knew something was wrong, but said nothing. Sam tried on several occasions to start a conversation with his dad about what was on his mind, but each time he faltered and changed his mind.

Finally, after dinner on the Saturday after their return from camp, the boys met at a secluded spot they had often visited together, a place they called their own. It wasn't so private that they could enjoy one another's bodies, but at least they could talk without being disturbed. And for once, the other's body wasn't at the front of either of their minds.

Dan arrived early so he could prepare himself. He knew in his heart that their life together was over, and as the time approached for Sam to arrive, he began to feel just as he had when he thought Sam was dying in the snow. His heart literally ached, as though God himself were wrenching it apart. He tried desperately not to cry. He was getting so tired of that bothersome trait. But he had little success in stemming the tide.

By the time Sam arrived, Dan's eyes clearly showed the turmoil he had been going through. Of course, this wasn't any easier for Sam. He could hardly have felt any worse if he had cheated on Dan with someone else. Their love for each other had been deep, and the changes he had felt coming over him in the past few months had created a jumbled mess of emotions in his heart. His pain was not as severe, perhaps. It didn't manifest itself in a physical way as Dan's did. But emotionally he was drained.

How many times had he tried to rehearse what he had to tell Dan this evening? So many they had gotten all jumbled up and left him less prepared than if he hadn't tried at all.

When he arrived at the spot where his lover was waiting, he walked softly to Dan's side and sat down almost touching him. Neither spoke nor looked at each other for several minutes. They just shared space, their thoughts seeming to mix ethereally, drawing them a little closer together. Finally, Dan dropped his hand from his knees and gently grasped Sam's where it lay between them.

Sam didn't reject Dan's touch. In fact he still enjoyed it. That was one of the things that made all this so damn difficult. He still loved his friend and enjoyed being with him, touching him as he had before. But he knew their love for each other would never be the same as it used to be, they would never live their lives together, not the way Dan wanted to.

Finally, Sam broke the silence and they talked, each in low tones filled with love and sorrow, stumbling at times for the right words to use to ease the other's pain. Their conversation was punctuated with tears and sniffles, nose blowing, sobs, gasps for air, shudders, all those human reactions to moments of great stress, sorrow or loss.

"You know what's happened, don't you Dan?"

"No, Samuel, I don't know," Dan spat. "Why don't you explain it to me!"

"Oh, Danny, I didn't mean to hurt you. I still love you. It's just that I've fallen in love with Pam, too."

"How can that BE!? How can you love two people at the same time? Especially a guy AND a girl? I don't understand!"

"I don't either, Danny. All I can say is I have the same feelings for Pam that I have for you. I know what love feels like. I've loved you long enough to know. You have to KNOW that!"

"Yeah, Samuel, I know you know what love is, what love feels like. I just don't know where I stand. Where WE stand. How do I compete with a GIRL?"

"Aw, shit, Danny, I don't know what to say or how to say it. I've thought about all this ever since I knew I was in love with Pam, as far back as the first of the year. I want to have kids, Danny. I never thought about it before, but I've realized in these past few months that I want a family. I want a son when I grow up, a son that I can relate to like I do with my dad. But I want you, too. I love you, and I love making love to you. But I really want to make love to Pam also. I just can't get my head around the idea of anal sex, but the thought of vaginal sex makes me hard."

"How can you say you still love me and talk about making love to a girl at the same time? Are you queer or not?!"

There was a long pause in their conversation. Then Sam continued.

"Have you ever heard the word bisexual, Danny?"

"No. What's it mean?"

"It means a person who loves men and women equally. A person who can feel emotional as well as sexual attraction to both sexes. I think that's what I am. Like I said, I still love you and want to have sex with you, but I love Pam, too. And I'd like to have sex with her, too."

"You mean you haven't gone to bed with her yet?"

"No, we've petted some, and she almost brought me off with her hand once, but that's all."

After another long pause, Sam continued once again.

"Why did this have to happen to us? We were so happy. Why does love have to hurt so much?" Sam asked, breaking into tears himself.

They sat in silence for several minutes, both needing to feel the consoling arms of the other and neither having the courage to risk initiating a hug. Finally, Sam dried his eyes and spoke again.

"Have you ever tried making it with a girl, Dan?"

"IT?! You mean doing IT?"

"No! I didn't mean IT. I meant making OUT?"

"Oh... No, I haven't. I mean, look at me Samuel. I'm little, and skinny, and wear braces on my teeth. My voice still squeaks, and I don't even shave yet. What girl would be interested in me even if I were interested in girls?"

"Well, shit, Dan! I'm interested in you. None of those things stopped me from loving you the way a girl would. As a matter of fact, I know one girl who almost falls down every time she sees you."

Dan's lack of interest in girls was evident by his response. Rather than being excited by Sam's revelation, he acted almost indifferent, certainly doubtful.

"Oh? Who?"

"Kathy."

"KATHY! You mean Kathy Bradley that kissed us on the stage right in front of the entire student body?"

"Yeah, that Kathy."

"But she knows I'm queer, Samuel! Why would she be interested!?" he practically shouted.

"Calm down, Dan. Maybe she hopes you aren't really homosexual. Maybe she likes you anyway. Maybe she's just a dreamer. Who knows? But I know she likes you 'cause she told me she did. And besides, I got eyes. I see how she looks at you."

"Oh. Well, she is pretty to look at. And she is really nice and easy to talk to. I mean I haven't ignored her any more than you have. I just didn't know she liked me."

"Maybe you ought to spend some time with her Dan. You know, study together at her house or something. She really cares about you."

"I'd rather study at your house."

"In a lot of ways I would, too, Dan. But it might not be such a good idea for a while. I mean I'm hurting here, too, ya know. Not as bad as you probably, but it still hurts. And being together like that would create all sorts of problems."

After several more minutes of silence, Sam looked at Dan with affection mixed with concern.

"Are you mad at me?"

Dan's reaction was quick and forceful.

"No, Samuel! I couldn't be mad at. I love you. And by the time I stop loving you, it'll be too late to be angry."

Silence once again enveloped the boys as they sat beside each other, not touching but breathing in each other's aroma. Tears once again began to flow from both sets of eyes. Finally, they blew their noses and wiped their eyes, getting ready to go home.

"Samuel, I'm not angry. I'm disappointed. I'm frustrated. I'm hurt. I'm losing someone I've loved more than life itself for over a year now. But I hope we can still be best friends. We'll have to avoid each other for a while until we get used to not being a couple, and I won't be part of a triple (grin), but I don't want to lose you forever."

"Thanks, Danny. That's what I want, too."

They walked home in silence. As they parted in the alley to go to their own homes, Dan spoke once again, softly, his face turned away so Sam wouldn't see his tears.

"Samuel?"

"Yeah?"

"Don't call me Danny anymore."