What Is True Love Anyway? - 10. Chapter 10

Part I - Friendships renewed.

Hi! My name is Joe. Joe Cannady. Dan has been letting me read his story before submitting it, so when he finished chapter 9 I knew what was coming. I asked him if I could help tell the next part of the story, and he suggested I just write it myself and let him proofread it.

Dan left out something in the first part of this story - me. You see, for several years before the story began, it wasn't just Sam and Dan. It was Sam and Dan and Joe. We were all three about as close as you could get to each other.

Even then I loved Dan something fierce. I didn't really understand it for what it was, but I always felt empty when he and Sam would go off to camp and leave me at home. My dad didn't work for the same company as theirs so I couldn't go to that camp. And when Dan would come over to my house to spend the night, I'd always want to sleep in the same bed. Not to play around with each other, but sleep up close, hugging, and all that stuff.

But I could tell that Dan and Sam were a lot closer to each other than I would ever be to either of them. It really hurt, even when I was only ten, to know that they had the same feelings for each other that I had for Dan. But I had to hide mine. It wasn't fair.

Anyway, just after my eleventh birthday, my family moved to a small town about fifteen miles away. It might as well have been fifteen thousand miles. We almost never saw each other after that. Maybe once a year we'd get together. Until ninth grade, that is. We didn't see each other at all during the eighth grade.

It was during my ninth and tenth grade years that I finally admitted to myself that I was a queer. I was so miserable that I couldn't hide it from mom and dad. Eventually they pressured me into telling them what the problem was. And guess what. They accepted it. They really and truly did. Oh, they spent a couple of hours on two or three different occasions trying to talk me out of it, but I think they knew that I was right all along.

Turns out that dad had a brother I never knew who was queer. He was killed by a bunch of hoods who found out about him and beat him to death in a dark alley one night. They used his blood to spell the word faggot on the concrete. Anyway, I think that's why dad was able to accept me for what I was so easily. He wasn't about to lose a brother and a son over this. It was so neat not having to hide my feelings from him and mom. I used to cry a lot and complain a lot about how impossible it was to find a boyfriend like me. But then, I never really got over Dan, either, so I wasn't really looking very hard.

Early in tenth grade I found out about Sam and Dan being boyfriends. My mom and dad were talking to his mom and dad on the phone and somehow dad let it slip about me. Then Mr. Russell told my folks about Dan and Sam. I didn't know how to feel about that. Before, when I thought Dan was normal, I was just frustrated about loving him and thinking he could never love me back. But when I learned that he was queer, too, it was devastating. I mean, now I was in love with someone who could love me back, but he loved some other guy instead.

Anyway, I got mom and dad to keep tabs on Sam and Dan through the Russell's. I heard about Dan saving that guy in the pool and almost died when I heard about how he saved Sam's life. Learning about that didn't require any help from mom and dad. It was all over the newspapers and Televison. I was so envious of Sam. But I couldn't seem to let go of my feelings for Dan. I mean, there wasn't anybody else I could get interested in to take my mind off of him, so I just thought about him all the time.

So, when I heard about Sam figuring out that he wasn't homosexual after all, and the resulting split between them, I went to my dad and pleaded with him to move back to the old neighborhood. Well, as it turns out, mom and dad weren't all that happy in the new place, and dad really wanted to help me all he could, so we started looking for houses in the old school district. By the time eleventh grade rolled around, we were back.

I hadn't said anything to Sam or the Russell's or anybody. I wanted it to be a surprise when Dan saw me at school the first time. I don't know who was the most surprised, though, him or me. I mean, sure, he was surprised to see me. But his reaction sure caught me off guard. The first time we saw each other was at opening assembly on the first day.

I knew what he looked like, because I'd gotten a picture from Sam. God, was he gorgeous! The picture didn't do him justice. I knew who he was right off, but his hair... and his tan... and his face... omigod, I almost fainted, he was so good looking.

He looked in my direction, and I just stared at him. He actually did a couple of double takes. But when I smiled (I couldn't help it) in recognition, he knew who I was for sure and ran over to me, hugged me like I was some lost long brother, and started hollering at kids he knew that I used to know. He was telling people who I was and attracting all sorts of attention while still holding my hand. I don't think he even realized he was holding it. But I did. Just the touch of his hand made me break out in a cold sweat, just like it used to when we were little.

When he finally calmed down and looked back at me, I was blushing something awful - partly out of embarrassment and partly out of the excitement I felt from being so close to him. When he saw me blushing, I guess he realized we were still holding hands. He let go of mine like I'd just burned him with a hot branding iron. Then he blushed - about eighteen shades of red, pink, burgundy, wine, plum, grape... well, you know what I mean. He was just so cute. I knew then that he didn't know I was queer like him. He was probably afraid he'd let too much of himself show.

Anyway, Sam soon joined us and it was like an old family reunion - all sorts of hugging, and slapping each other on the back, and punching each other in the arm, and laughing. At one point, when Dan was looking the other way, Sam winked at me to let me know that he knew about me and was cool with it. I found out later that his folks had clued him in so he wouldn't say something stupid.

As it turned out, Dan and I had loads of classes together. We were both in the band. He played trombone, I played trumpet. We had all the same classes except for foreign language (he took French, I took Latin) and science (him chemistry, me biology). But we weren't in the same homeroom because they were assigned based on which foreign language you took. Why? Ya got me!

At first I was thrilled with our class schedule. I thought having all those classes together would be really neat. But after just a few days I realized how hard it (not IT, silly) was going to be. We tried sitting together, but the teachers ended up splitting us up in almost every class because we talked too much. Then I had to sit there and try not to stare at him all day. I mean, when we sat beside each other or one behind the other, it wasn't so hard (not THAT, geez, get your minds off sex, will ya?). But sitting across from him meant I had to work at looking somewhere else. And that was really hard- yeah, THAT was hard - all the time it was hard, every class. It got to the point where I thought I was going to have to buy smaller briefs to hold IT down or larger slacks to hide IT. And P.E. was terrible. I spent more energy, burned up more calories and used more muscles trying not to get a hardon every time I saw him in the locker room or showers than I did in all the exercises we did.

The nice thing about P.E., though, was I saw him checking me out once in a while, too. I tried not to be too obvious about it, but I know I was a bit of an exhibitionist when he was around. I wanted him to see me naked. I mean, I wanted him so bad. I'd dreamed about him for years and now was my chance. But I didn’t want him on the rebound. I had to be careful not to throw myself at him. I had to know that if we ever got together, it was because he wanted me, not just a substitute for Sam.

Band practice was cool, though. Being juniors, we were assigned little brothers, sophomores who we could boss around. It was tradition. They had to polish our instruments and make sure they were on the band truck for all the football games and parades and stuff. We used to team up to see what a hard time we could give these new kids without being mean to them. It was neat.

The way the band practice room was set up, we could see each other from across the room. It was different from classrooms, though, because there were all these music stands in the way. So we could eyeball each other and pretend the other guy didn't know it. But I think he knew I was checking him out a lot. At least he sure seemed to be checking me out every day.

Our band got invited to march in President Kennedy's inauguration parade that year. Let me tell you, Washington, D.C. is NOT a place you really want to be in January. Not if you have to stand outside for an hour waiting for the end of the parade to go by so your unit can fall in and join it. But I'm jumping ahead a little.

When we got off the plane in DC, the band director handed out the room assignments while we waited for our luggage. There were four guys in our room and two double beds. As soon as we could, Dan and I volunteered to share a bed and let our little brothers, Steve and Mike have the other one. I was so excited. I remember thinking that it HAD to mean something that we didn't even have to ask each other. He just assumed we'd share the same bed. Of course, if I'd thought about it, I'd have realized that it would have looked really weird if either of us had agreed to sleep with a sophomore.

Turned out there was a hole in the connecting door between our room and the one next door, a room with girls in it. Mike and Steve fought over who got to peek through the hole every time we heard the girls' shower running. Dan and I just sort of laid back and pretended to make fun of the new guys like we'd seen it all before.

Anyway, sleeping that first night was cool and not so cool, all at the same time. It was cool to be in the same bed with him, but not so cool having to stay away from him. I came so close to telling him about me that first night. But I wasn't sure how he'd react. I wasn't convinced yet that he liked me that way at all. I found out later that he was scared to make a move on me because he didn't know I was queer and was sure I'd scream bloody murder and tell everyone in the band if he even touched me in bed.

The day after our arrival was the parade. The busses let us off in some residential street about an hour before our turn to march. I about froze my feet off. One of the neighbor ladies brought out tray after tray of hot coffee, but I couldn't drink the stuff. I hated it. I noticed Dan wouldn't drink any either. Then this lady brought out tray after tray of rubbing alcohol. Turns out she'd done this before and knew that the valves and slides on the brass instruments would freeze up and stick in the cold air. Pouring alcohol into them lowered the freezing temperature and reduced the sticking.

To make a long story short, Dan's feet got cold in a hurry. I suspect it had something to do with the year before when he walked all that way in the snow in his stocking feet carrying Sam. He just missed getting frostbite from that, and I think he was more sensitive to cold after that. Anyway, as soon as the parade was over and we got off the busses at our hotel, Dan threw his trombone case to his little brother and hightailed it for the room.

By the time I got there, he was already lying naked in a tub of hot water. I didn't know this and walked right into the bathroom to take a leak. He was so out of it he didn't even try to hide anything with his hands. He just laid there and let me look at him. Oh God, he looked so good. His penis was so tiny, shriveled up from the cold. I bet he's only about two inches long when he's little like that. And his nuts are real little, too. Anyway, I almost forgot what I went in there for until he finally said something.

"Take a picture, Joe. It'll last longer," he said.

He had this cute little grin on his face when he said that. I think he liked me looking at him. God, if it hadn't been for our roommates, I think I might have stripped and joined him in the tub right then, to hell with the consequences.

But just as I was taking my pecker out to take a leak, the other guys came into the bedroom. So I was real careful to turn away from Dan so I wouldn't get hard knowing he was looking at it. Yeah, IT.

That night, though, when we got in bed? He wasn't so careful about not touching each other. Shortly after we climbed under the covers, I felt his foot slide over to rest against my calf. I pressed back against him, so he'd know that I knew he was touching me. We must have both been too anxious or excited to sleep, because we were still awake when we heard the other two guys start snoring lightly. We knew they were both asleep cause their snores were different.

I thought Dan was still awake, but I wasn't sure. We were lying on our sides facing each other, so I slowly slid my hand over and rested it gently on his forearm. Oh wow, that felt so good. He had this real fine blond hair on his arms that felt so soft. I just couldn't help rubbing my hand up and down his forearm like I was petting him.

Pretty soon he scooted over a little closer and we started to whisper.

"I wondered if you were still awake, Joe."

"Yeah, I'm still keyed up from the parade I guess."

"Yeah, sure, from the parade. That's been over for hours, Joe."

"So? What's keeping you awake?"

"Curiosity."

"Huh?"

"Curiosity. I'm curious about something."

By this time, I'm getting a hard on from stroking his arm, and not really aware of what I'm doing.

"Curious about what?"

"Why you're petting my arm like I'm some sort of pet animal," he said with a little giggle.

I think he giggled to let me know he wasn't upset by what I was doing. Still, I wasn't going to take any chances. I jerked my hand back and apologized.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to uh... upset you or... uh... anything."

He must have thought that I was afraid of him or something, because he immediately reached over and grabbed my arm.

"That's OK," he whispered. "It felt good. I didn't mind."

We were silent for a few minutes and then I broke the silence.

"Did you really like it when I was petting your arm?"

"Yeah, I did. You'd be surprised how much I liked it. In fact, you might not like how much I liked it."

"What do you mean by that, Dan? How could I not like something that you like?"

I could tell by the pause that followed and his rapid breathing that he was really nervous about answering. So I just waited as patiently as I could, my heart beating faster and faster with anticipation.

"Well," he said, "it gave me a hardon."

I could barely hear him. It sounded almost like he was crying. Then I heard him sniff and knew he was crying. That made me start to cry.

"Me too." Sniff

Sniff "Really? You got hard, too?"

"Yeah, like a board."

We were quiet for the longest time after that. At one point I thought he'd fallen asleep; he was breathing so quietly. Then I heard him whisper so softly I couldn't make out what he said. I moved over close enough that our arms were touching, and our knees were touching, and I could smell the toothpaste on his breath.

"What did you say?" I asked.

He gently laid his hand on my arm. He was shaking, and I could feel it.

"I said I'm really glad you moved back to town."

"You are? Why?"

I had hopes, high hopes for his answer, but I needed to hear him say it.

"Well some things changed after you left. I'm not the same person you used to know. There's something about me you should probably know, but I can't afford to tell you. But I'm really glad you're here. It's almost like you never left, and yet, I feel differently now than I did before."

"Oh. Me too, I think."

Oh God! I wanted so much to just blurt it out, to tell him, I'M QUEER, TOO! KISS ME! But I couldn't. I had to let him tell me in his own time. After all, I already knew his secret, he didn't know mine. I had to pretend that we found out together. Besides, I still didn't know for sure how he felt about me. I thought he was going to say it, but he started off in another direction.

"Joe?"

"Yeah?"

"Have you ever been in love?"

"Yeah, once."

His voice perked up at that.

"Oh yeah? Who?"

"I'll tell you later. How about you? You ever been in love?"

I felt a little guilty asking that question, since I already knew about him and Sam, but on the spur of the moment, it just seemed like the natural response.

"Yeah, once, but we split up."

"Oh yeah? Who?"

"I'll tell you later, maybe."

By this time, I was so anxious about where this conversation was headed that I'd lost my hardon. I suddenly found myself wondering if the same thing had happened to Dan, and that got me to thinking about seeing him in the bathtub after the parade. Boy, that was a pleasant memory. Then I had a sudden inspiration.

"I wish I'd had a camera this afternoon."

"Oh? Why? When?"

"When you told me to take a picture because it would last longer. I wish I could have a picture of you like that."

"You do? Really? Just me, naked, in a bathtub? Why?"

"You just looked so cute, that's why. Your nose was still red from the cold, and you had this sleepy expression on your face, and your dick was so little. I thought it was cute."

"Oh."

He didn't say anything else. There was just this awesome silence that left me wondering if I'd said something wrong. Maybe my plan had backfired. So I tried again.

"Can I ask you a personal question?"

"Sure. I may not answer it though," he said with a chuckle.

"Are you still hard?"

He giggled. He actually giggled. God, I love it when he does that. He is just so cute.

"Well, I wasn't until you started talking about taking my picture naked in the bathtub. But I am now."

I jumped at this chance before it could get away again. I whispered to him somewhat hesitantly.

"Can I touch it?"

We were so close together that I could feel his breath on my face, so I knew when he stopped breathing for a few seconds.

"You really want to?"

"Yeah, I really do."

"Why?"

"Do I need a reason?"

"No, but if you have one, I'd like to hear it, and I bet you have one."

"Well, I'd like to see how much you've grown.”

"OK. That's reason enough." And he giggled again.

I didn't hesitate long. I'd been waiting for this for a long time, and I didn't want him to change his mind. The way we were lying, I pretty much knew where his crotch was, so I reached over and laid my hand right on his dick. Sure enough, he was hard. I heard him grunt as I grasped him through his underwear.

"Uh! Oooo... feels good."

Then I felt his hand touch me through my briefs, and I knew real joy. It had been several years since anybody but my doctor had touched my dick, and it felt GREAT. I lost no time in moving to the waistband of his undershorts and slipping my hand inside to wrap my fingers around his hardon. The flesh of his prick almost burned my hand, it was so hot. And big! It may have been short when it was soft, but hard it was as big as mine which is six inches long and an inch across.

I felt his hand slip into my shorts, and he grabbed me the same way. Wow! I had forgotten how good it felt.

Nature seemed to take over from there. All conversation stopped. But we spoke to each other with our hands. Using the hand in his shorts, I started trying to push them down off his hips. He lifted himself off the bed to help me and I pushed them to his knees. Then I used my foot to push them the rest of the way down. As I put my hand back on his penis, he started pushing my underwear down and we repeated the same maneuver. Soon we were both naked and fondling each other's equipment.

He started leaking precum almost immediately, and I used my thumb to spread it over the head of his penis. Then I slid my hand down to cradle his nutsac softly. At first I just let them lie in the palm of my hand and felt the warmth that seemed to flow from them into my fingers, up my arm, down my chest and into my groin. My penis throbbed again and again. Of course, he was doing the same thing to me, and that might have had something to do with it.

Then I started to roll his little nuts around in their sac and run my fingertips along that ridge below his nutsac towards his butt. I didn't go too far in that direction though. As he started humping his hips towards me, against my hand, I moved back to his penis. God, it felt so gooood. Hard as a rock, mushroom head, and a BIG hole in the end. I hadn't remembered the hole being that big. I started stroking him up and down, listening to his breathing get more and more ragged.

Or was that my breathing that was getting ragged? He was also stroking my penis, using a tempo that matched my own. By this time I could only hope Steve and Mike were still asleep. We weren't even trying to listen to their snores. Our hips kept humping at one another as our hands slid loosely up and down each other's rigid penis. This was just so great. How long had I dreamed of doing this with him as I beat off alone at home? Just ever since I learned to beat off, that's all. I never, ever thought of anyone or anything else.

Almost simultaneously we began to groan and moan as our orgasms approached.

"I'm gonna cum!" he whispered harshly, gasping for breath at the end.

"Me too!" I answered him as his hot semen burst forth all over my hand and arm. Oh, wow, I can't begin to tell you how that made me feel. This wasn't anything like making myself cum. This was so much better. Then I came, too. It felt like gallons of my semen shot out of my penis as the heel of his hand rubbed across the head of my dick with his fingers rubbing the skin up and down the shaft.

I wasn't about to be the first one to let go. I just held onto his penis and felt it go limp in my hand even as mine shriveled in his. Oh, I wanted to tell him right then that I had loved him forever. But I just couldn't. I had to give him more time to get over Sam. I forced myself to settle for this first mutual jack off session.

Eventually, the pungent odor of our cum made its way to our noses, reminding us that we weren't alone in the room. I felt Dan reach down into the bed for his briefs. He surprised me by using them to wipe off my dick. Then he grabbed my hand and wiped it and my arm. I think he was starting to clean himself up when I hurriedly grabbed my own shorts and returned the favor. When we finished, we just lay there. I know we were looking at each other even though we couldn't see in the dark.

"Thanks, Dan. I really enjoyed that. It's been a long time."

"It was good for me too. Haven't you ever done that with anyone?"

"No. I never found anybody to fool around with. Did you and Sam do it?"

"Oh, yeah. We played with each other all through junior high and even into high school. We even...."

His voice trailed off as though he had decided not to finish what he was going to say.

"Even what?"

"Oh, nothing. Maybe we should get into some clean shorts so those two don't find us naked in bed in the morning."

We got up and rummaged quietly in our suitcases in the dark, finally found clean underwear, put it on and climbed back into bed. We went to sleep facing each other, one of his hands resting loosely in mine, my other hand lying softly on his forearm.

We woke up with him facing away from me, spooned up against my chest and legs, my morning woody throbbing against his butt. Fortunately, we awoke before the other guys. After glancing over at them briefly, I moved my upper arm down his body until my hand could reach his crotch. He was already awake and pushed himself back against my hardon as my hand grabbed his cock and squeezed it.

"Mmmm. Feels good." he said sleepily.

We got up just a few minutes later and took turns in the bathroom. He went first and then woke up the other two as I was getting showered and dressed. We left late that day to fly home. But it was a trip I will remember forever.

Part II - Old friend, new love?

Second semester classes started soon after we got back from Washington. Dan still had his paper route, and I'd help him with it whenever he'd let me. He was always so afraid of doing anything or saying anything that might hurt somebody's feelings or take advantage of someone. That made it hard for him to accept my help. He was so afraid he was taking advantage of me. But I could tell he liked it when I was with him. And that made me feel good and made me try even harder to be with him as much as I could.

Part of me just couldn't imagine how such a good-looking guy could be so popular with teachers and kids and not seem to know it. I mean, I could look around and see how people reacted whenever he was involved in something. Everyone looked at him with admiring looks and acted like they enjoyed just being wherever he was. If I hadn't loved him so much, I might have been jealous, or at least envious. As it was, I was just proud!

As the semester moved from winter into spring, we continued to spend more and more time together. I was sure he was starting to get over losing Sam. Enough time had passed that the three of us could do things together like go to a movie or play ball without either of them feeling uncomfortable being together.

And I thought I could see Dan taking an interest in me personally. I certainly tried to send him all the right messages without coming right out and telling him I was queer and in love with him. I was just really afraid of getting him on the rebound. But I couldn't hide how I felt about him when we were alone. And I started to notice that we were spending more and more time looking at each other in the different classes we had together. I'd look over at him and catch him looking at me, and he'd do the same. Usually, the one who got caught would blush and look away.

Finally, I decided I couldn't take it anymore. My pecker was perpetually hard just looking at him or thinking about him. I'm sure the muscles in my right arm were bigger than my left cause I beat off thinking about him so much. The day I decided to tell him, I didn't stop to think of the date. It was April 1st. Yep, April Fool's Day.

I slipped him a note as we were walking into our American History class. That's the one where we sat across the room from each other and could look each other straight in the eye.

"Don't read this until class starts to get really boring," I whispered as I slipped it into his hand and walked past him to my chair.

Then I sat there on pins and needles for about half the class before I saw him start to unfold it. I followed along in my mind as he read what I had written. It wasn't very long.

"Daniel, I'm queer, too, and I love you!" I had signed it Joseph.

I don't know what reaction I was expecting, but it sure wasn't the one I got. He just sat there for about a minute with his head down. Then when he looked up at me I could see tears streaming down his face. All sorts of nasty thoughts began to run through my head as he jumped up so fast his chair almost fell over. Leaving his books on the floor, he ran from the room. Without taking time to think, I immediately stood up.

"Mrs. A, I saw Dan reading a note just before he ran out of here. Something must be wrong. Can I go see if he's OK?"

Well, of course Mrs. A and all the kids were caught by surprise by all this, so she just sort of nodded her head yes and I grabbed my books and his and took off. I got to the hallway just in time to see Dan run in to the boys' bathroom down the hall. I ran after him as quietly as I could and found him alone, crying in front of the sinks. I walked up to him and put my arm on his shoulder and spoke his name, quietly.

"Daniel?"

He turned around so fast it knocked my hand away and made me jump back a bit. He had this really angry look on his face.

"What is this, Joe, some kind of cruel April Fool's joke?"

Oh shit! I thought. I didn't realize what day it was. I looked at him, wanting to hug him and lick away his tears and felt my own eyes start watering.

"No, Daniel, it's no joke. I forgot what today was. It's all true, every word of it. I know you're queer. I know about you and Sam. And I love you. I've wanted to tell you for weeks but couldn't get up the nerve."

He slapped me! I couldn't believe it! He slapped me! I had imagined all sorts of responses, most of them happy, joyful ones, a couple of negative ones, but nothing like this. I just started to cry. I thought I'd ruined everything. We heard someone come into the bathroom and head straight for the urinals. Dan ran out and I ran after him - more to get away from whoever was taking a piss behind me than anything else.

I didn't know what I was going to do, but I couldn't let Dan go off on his own, so I continued running after him. He lead me out of the building, across the campus and up the hill behind the school. God, he had good legs. I really had to struggle to keep up. Finally, when he got to the clearing at the top of the hill, he stopped. I caught up with him and stood about ten feet away, both of us panting, trying to get our breath back. I didn't know what to say, so I didn't say anything.

Dan started to pace randomly around the clearing. I could see he was still crying. He was waving his arms about and moving his lips like he was talking but he wasn't saying anything. Then he came right up to me and stopped about a foot away. I think this was the first time that I noticed he was shorter than me. About three inches shorter. He just stood there and looked at me, several different expressions passing across his face. Finally I couldn't take it any longer. I had to ask.

"Daniel, are you mad at me?"

"Hell, yes, I'm mad at you," he said, a funny, almost-angry-but-with-a-tiny-bit-of-a-grin look on his face. Then his face lit up with the brightest smile I'd ever seen.

"You just made us waste a whole month!" he shouted as he jumped at me and threw his arms around my neck. His lips hit mine so hard it knocked my head back a little. I was so caught by surprise that I didn't even close my eyes. I just looked at his, which were closed and smelled his sweet breath and tasted his sweet lips... and got a hardon.

He was standing on his tiptoes clinging to me, so I used my arms to cushion us as I sat down and fell slowly back onto the ground. Then I closed my eyes and wrapped my arms around him and almost fainted with the overwhelming sense of joy that suddenly came over me. I could feel tears of joy leaking from the corners of my eyes and trickling down to puddle in my ears.

My dream had come true. The dream I had been dreaming since my family moved away so many years ago. My friend loved me. My love loved me. The love I had anguished over for so long was mine and he was returning my love. I could hardly breathe. My mind was racing so fast I think some of the signals that were supposed to go to my heart to keep it beating got tripped up by the ones going to my lungs to keep them breathing. And then all those hormones began running around like chickens with their heads cut off and I thought I was going to have an orgasm without even touching Dan or him touching me. It was soooo weird!

All this time, I was lying there on my back, hugging Dan, him hugging me, his lips and tongue going wild, and taking mine with them. We took turns sucking on each other's tongue, at times sucking so hard it almost hurt. I could feel that little thingie under my tongue getting stretched to the point where I thought it was going to rip in half. Finally, we both got so oxygen starved that we had to stop and learn to breathe again. Dan rolled off of me and lay on his back beside me.

After several minutes of us gasping like fish out of water, he finally started talking.

"Why did you start that note with Daniel instead of Dan or Danny?"

"Because it's special, and you're special. No one else calls you Daniel, and Kathy told me Sam used to call you Danny, so I chose Daniel. I want it to be all mine."

"Is that why you signed it Joseph?"

"Well, yeah, I guess. I didn't really think about it, but I suppose I must have been hoping that if you loved me as much as I love you, it would be neat to have a name that only you would use."

We were quiet for a few minutes, just looking up at the clouds. His left hand had found its way into my right one and we shared squeezes. Then I noticed he squeezed my hand three times right together.

"What was that for?" I asked him.

"That means I Love You."

"Oh. So then four squeezes would mean I Love You, Too, huh."

"Yep."

We lay there a bit longer, trading 3's and 4's before he spoke up again.

"Joseph?"

"Yeah, Daniel?"

"How long have you known you were queer?"

"Oh since just after we moved away."

"Do your folks know?"

"Yeah, they know. They're cool about it. In fact, they really accept it and help me whenever they can. Dad lost a brother who was killed by people who hate homosexuals so he does everything he can to help. How about your family?"

"Oh, they all know, but dad isn't very comfortable with it. In fact, he hasn't hugged me in so long I can't remember. Sometimes I think he really struggles with it, but he's never done anything or said anything to hurt me."

"Oh."

"Joseph?"

"Yeah, Daniel?"

"How long have you thought you were in love with me?"

"Since before I knew I was queer."

He looked over at me real quick like.

"Really? That long?"

"Oh, yeah. It was really hard at first loving you and thinking you were straight. But then when I found out that you and Sam were boyfriends, that really hurt. I was sooo envious. I have to tell you, I was really glad when my folks told me that he had grown out of that phase, that you and he were splitting up. I cried for you, but I couldn't help being excited about the possibilities."

We were quiet again for a few minutes.

"That's why we moved back here, you know."

He leaned up on his elbow and looked down at me.

"What do you mean?"

"When I found out you and Sam had broken up, I asked mom and dad if we could move back here so I could go to the same school you were going to. I wanted to be close to you. I knew you were queer like me, but I could only hope you'd learn to love me."

"But why didn't you tell me you were like me? Why did you make me suffer and only wish that you were?"

"I was afraid I'd get you on the rebound from Sam. I didn't want to be a substitute for him."

Tears started to leak from my eyes again, as I realized how selfish I had been. Then I saw his eyes fill with tears which started trickling down his cheeks. He squeezed his eyes once to force more tears out, then looked me right in the eye.

"But how do I know you won't be just like him? How do I know you won't change your mind like he did, decide you're bisexual or normal, and leave me just like he did. Oh, Joseph, I'm so afraid!"

With that last phrase he collapsed in tears on my chest, his hands grasping my shoulders. I wrapped my arms around him and pulled him tightly against me as sobs racked his body. I don't think I've ever cried that hard myself. In fact, I know I haven't. At one point he was practically yelling out his pain and sorrow and fear. I mean he was really getting vocal, almost hysterical. I couldn't help but weep with him. I just kept kissing his ears and his hair and his neck, whispering soft words to him and stroking his back. When he had finally cried himself out, I answered him as best I could.

"Daniel, Sam entered puberty curious, went through it thinking he liked boys, knowing he liked you, and came out the other side realizing that he loved you but wasn't attracted just to boys anymore. You entered puberty curious, found you loved Sam and came out knowing you only love boys. I was pretty sure I liked boys before I even entered puberty, mom and dad helped me understand all that as I went through it, and I came out even more convinced of it. I've always loved you. I've always been queer. I'm still queer, and I still love you. More now than ever before. I know I'll always be queer, I don't care, I love you and I will always love you. And some day I hope you will understand just how much I love you."

He lay there quietly for several minutes. I could feel his breath through my shirt, his heart beating against my chest. I guess he was calming down and getting his thoughts together.

"Oh, Joseph, when Sam and I split up I didn't know what to do. I was sure I was the only one like me in the entire world. I just knew I'd never find someone like me, a homo, a fag, a queer. I thought I would have to live the rest of my life never again feeling the love that Sam and I had shared. But now I know better. I've fallen in love with you over the past few months, Joseph. I think it started even before the trip to Washington. If Steve and Mike hadn't been sleeping in that other bed, we might have gotten here a lot sooner. I love you, Joseph. I want to be with you forever."

I started crying all over again. I couldn't believe how lucky I was. The boy I had loved for years was finally mine and had just poured out his heart to me, confessing his love for me. And I knew in my heart it was real. He meant it. And I cried tears of joy, relief and love.

We lay there in each other's arms for almost an hour before we realized that our folks would be wondering why we weren't home from school yet. We got up, brushed off our clothes and walked hand-in-hand back down the hill to our homes.