Salvaging the Road to Redemption - 2. Chapter 2 - First Day

The dreams still stalk me when I sleep.

Images of my mother passed out on the kitchen floor, high out of her mind.

Images of the men in her life and how I struggled when I was tied up and gagged in my closet, to keep me quiet.

Images of the people in the system that was designed to protect me, shelter me and nurture me, instead betraying me, discarding me, and hurting me.

And most horrifying of all, the one in complete darkness, silence. I’m all alone until The Hand reaches out of the darkness to find me.

Those are the dreams in which I scream.

--

I jolted awake alone and confused.

Sweat stuck to my skin, as I felt my heart trying to beat itself out of my chest, my breath caught in my throat strangling me.

‘Breathe Ben.’ I thought to myself and my lungs suddenly remembered how to function. I stayed absolutely still, my room still mostly covered in darkness, slightly illuminated only by a lone street light nearby. I listened for foot steps, someone moving around, a mouse, anything before I allowed myself to relax a little.

‘Good you didn’t scream.’ I thought as I closed my eyes and breathed slowly to reduce my heart rate. And as always I shivered as the adrenaline faded, and my heart rate slowed.

A bitter taste formed in my mouth almost immediately, my eyes winced shut in an effort to keep the tears that would soon follow away. Why was I like this. Why couldn’t I control it. I had such a good day yesterday, why does this come back and haunt me. Just why.

I looked at the digital clock at my bedside, the green hue of the digits to my disappointment, blaring 4:30 AM.

I pulled myself out of bed, grabbed a towel a change of clothes and headed for the shower, but even the waters hot embrace couldn’t wash away the grief, and the guilt I felt. After getting dressed I headed back to my room and made my bed, put my dirty laundry in the hamper and generally tidied up, it only took a few minutes and by the time I was done it looked like no one had been in here.

The sisters always commented on my neat-freakish behavior and even lamented that they wished everyone who graced their door was a neat-freak like me.

What they didn’t realize and what I never said was it was born from The Hand. The same Hand that welcomed me into various homes, ushered me to dining tables full of food, patted my shoulder and said everything would be alright and that I could be myself. The same Hand that slapped me, when I didn’t put something back where it belonged, that pushed me when I didn’t move fast enough. The Hand that came for me in the dark when I slept.

My brain violently pushed that thought out of focus the instant it arrived.

I grabbed by bag that had my journals and other personal items that never left my sight and headed for the kitchen, silent as a ghost because The Hand didn’t like noise either. Don’t get me wrong, Tammy and Samantha never did anything that went against my best interests and I had been here all summer. They had just been doing this for so long, and generally took in the ‘hard cases’ because they had seen and done it all. We were treated well, mixed with some tough love, but more importantly they where fair.

I made quick work of breakfast, just corn flakes with a glass of OJ and a pot of coffee. Tammy typically woke up first and she was punctual at 5:00 AM. I glanced at the wall clock in the kitchen, and right on queue almost to the second she appeared in her favorite pink cotton bathrobe and slippers. She didn’t say anything until the first cup was poured, with three sugars before sitting down next to me and taking a sip.

“Good morning.” She said as I finished my own gulp.

“Good morning.” I replied.

“Didja sleep?” She queried holding the cup in both hands glancing in my direction.

“Yes.” I replied honestly.

“Anymore dreams?”

I pursed my lips a little in shame as I looked down at the table, “yeah.”

“When’s your next appointment with the doc?”

“The day after tomorrow but…” I said biting my bottom lip.

“But what?” She set her cup down and gave a slight yawn as she continued to wake up.

“The job, I don’t want to...don’t want to mess this up.” I replied looking at her hopefully.

“I understand Ben, but you gotta keep up your appointments with the doc. It’s important kid. You’ve got some really gross stuff rolling through that noggin’ of yours.” She explained tactfully without seeming pushy.

“Tammy, I promise I will try and do what I can, and if I can’t get the time this week. I’ll make sure they know before they schedule me for next.” I offered.

She accepted my offer and nodded in acceptance, “and thank you for being honest with me Benjamin. I know how hard that is.”

I nodded silently trying not to appear totally sheepish. I gathered my dirty dishes and made a move for the dishwasher.

“Leave those in the sink, the dishwashers got clean stuff in it from last night.” She said as I reached for the dishwasher door.

“Are you sure?” I asked meekly.

“You made me coffee, so I didn’t have to wait in disgusting silence till it was done. Go you need to get to the bus stop. You have what you need?”

“Yeah.”

“And you got the money from last night?” She asked.

I nodded.

“Alright then go, try to have a good day.”

I headed out the door with a nod, glad she didn’t ask about lunch because I didn’t have time to make it. I couldn’t eat anymore anyway my stomach was still in knots from the dream and I was lucky to get the corn flakes down. It didn’t take long for me to get to the bus stop, it was at the end of the road not far from where Josh had dropped me off the night before. I glanced at the house I told Josh to drop me off of, it was still dark and I wondered if anyone actually lived there.

A pang formed in my chest as a little more guilt headed by way. I lied to him, I lied to him and his mom. Not big lies, self preservation lies. I just didn’t want anyone to know. The real me was, a throw away, a troublemaker, and just not worth knowing.

I stopped in my tracks as a pair of headlights turned onto my street heading in my direction. I felt my anxiety increasing as the vintage sports car slowed and pulled beside me. I peered at the driver through the opened window.

“Josh…?” I asked cautiously.

“Good morning Ben!” Josh replied enthusiastically.

“I didn’t...I mean I didn’t expect--” I started.

“Yeah I know, I figured the bus would take you a while to get to the garage, so here I am!” He asked with those clear blue eyes fixed on me.

“Uh yeah.” I replied.

“Soooooo, you want a ride?” Josh asked coyly with a small smirk twitching at the ends of his lips.

“Yeah, I mean if you want too, you don’t have--” I tried.

“Dude get your ass in the car so we can go.” He replied with laughter.

I quickly unfroze from my position and settled into the car, making sure not to slam the door and buckled up after securing by bag in the floor board in front of me.

“I’m sorry if I surprised you. My mom was up early this morning to go to work, so I figured I’d make sure you make it okay.” Josh said sincerely as we headed away from the neighborhood.

“No that’s okay I just didn’t expect it is all.” I replied

He gave me a smile, “have you eaten yet?”

“Yeah I ate before I left.”

“I’m going to stop at the donut shop and grab a dozen as a peace offering to Gus, and get me some sausage biscuits. They are to die for, and I’m hooked on em. You should try it at some point.” Josh said as he navigated the car towards downtown.

I gave him a smile and nodded, “I will.”

I was doing my best to not have a full blown panic attack in this car. I really didn’t want to look at him that much, and it wasn’t because he wasn’t attractive. My God, he had to be six foot, black hair and the craziest shade of blue eyes I’ve ever seen in my life. He oozed confidence through his pours, and his facial expressions where infectious. I had no doubt in my mind that he brightened every room he ever walked through, his general vibe was so carefree, and full of positive expression.

I was attracted to him and that scared me, I had enough to deal with and I have to be gay on top of it, because obviously what I had going on wasn’t enough. Just another thing to hate myself for. Just another thing to hold me back. Just another thing to make me cry. I was so wound up in my thoughts I didn’t even noticed we stopped and that Josh was shaking my shoulder.

“You okay Ben?” He asked.

I tried not to jump as my head snapped to look at him, was demeanor was of concern and those eyes told me it was genuine.

“Damn dude I spaced out, I’m sorry. I’m good I swear.” I replied quickly with a small smile to dis-spell that concern.

“You sure? Do you want anything from here? My treat.” Josh asked as his expression changed to one of relief and curiosity.

“No I’m good man, for real. I’ll wait in the car if that’s cool.”

“Okay dude. I’ll be right back.”

My eyes watched as he entered the shop, the way he moved was relaxed but with purpose. Josh was built well into his six foot frame, I could tell he probably worked out, or at least got enough activity at the garage that served the same purpose. His body was on the lean side but there was no mistaking the power those lean muscles had. It was those eyes that did it for me though, they sparkled with the wisdom of a thousand life times of pure joy, and some pain.

He turned to look out the windows from the counter as he waited for his order, and I caught his gaze as he stayed fixed on the car and maybe me, and for a moment and only a moment I saw a flicker of… something when he looked at me when I guess he thought I wasn’t watching but it lasted for a second and his normal expression resumed as he turned back to the counter and collected his bounty.

Josh made a few expressive remarks of gratitude to the shop owner and bowed slightly as he turned and headed for the door.

“So I got you a couple of the sausage biscuits and this,” he said after getting in the car and handing me a cup. “It’s white chocolate mocha, probably the best coffee ever made and Starbucks just doesn’t do it justice.”

I took it and the bag he handed me as he started the engine and started to maneuver out of the parking lot.

“Thank you.” I replied and he cut me off before I could say anything else.

“No, don’t worry about it. Please trust me, you’ll like both.” He said taking a drink from his own cup.

He was right, damn this was the best.

“See I told you.”

And I actually smiled.

The ride to the garage was short, I barely finished the second biscuit before pulling into the parking lot. With Josh’s permission I left my bag in his car where it would be secure and Josh surprised me when he pulled out a set of keys and unlocked the door. We entered quickly and he deftly entered the code to shut off the alarm as it beeped in warning.

“Willie and Gus will be here in a few. Follow me and I’ll give you the rundown.

Whether it was natural ability, for something I was forced to learn I tended to remember anything in perfect detail, if I was shown once. Josh got me a clean set of coveralls, and showed me where we kept personal items in the lockers, parts inventory for stuff the garage had on hand, tools that belonged to the shop and tools owned by the mechanic. He was giving me a crash course on the computer system when Gus walked in.

The giant of a man didn’t say anything to anyone as he walked passed to his office and closed the door.

“Gus isn’t a morning person.” Josh explained as he placed a coffee cup from the donut shop into the microwave and warmed it up. “Hang on I’ll be right back.”

Josh took the cup and the bag of food from earlier and disappeared into Gus’ office. I continued to explore the computer system a little more to reconfirm the items I was told earlier. Soon the door was opened and I was ushered in.

“Good morning,” Gus said to me as he took a drink from the coffee Josh had given him. “So you’re Benjamin correct?” He asked.

“Yes sir.” I replied with a little bit of anxiety.

“Normally I do all the hiring but Josh has taken upon himself to give you a shot. I’m short handed and I need people that can work.”

“Yes sir.” I repeated.

“I’ve agreed to give you a probationary day, if we get to the end of it without the building burning down or me reaching for my blood pressure pills, I will extend your probation till the end of the week, and if we’re all still standing in one piece the job is yours.” Gus explained, rather flatly as he was still waking up.

“I understand sir.” I said with a nod of my head.

“I’m not going to ask about your skills because people have been lying to me for two weeks and always fall short so just show me you can do something to help get us caught up alright?” Gus leaned back in his chair and gave both of us an appraising look before he added, “now go, we’re done.”

Josh patted me on the back for encouragement as he left the office and the door closed.

“Gus is a good guy, a little rough around the edges but he’s a good guy.” He assured me with a tone of sincerity.

I looked up at Josh and again he had that flicker of… something in his eyes and just as fast it was gone again.

Willie showed up as Josh was giving me the final run down on work orders and the two joked around for a few minutes after the introductions where done before leaving to open the shop doors.

Carefully controlled chaos immediately started as soon as those doors where opened.

The printer came alive with work orders, keys where located, cars where moved into the bay and soon I had three oil changes done. Vehicles from all makes, all years started pouring in. At first it was a struggle simply from being overwhelmed but something inside of me found peace in it. We all had a hand at the front office, from writing the orders, to processing invoices to catching the phones, and when the oil changes where complete by mid morning I notice Gus out of the office and doing more in the garage.

Watching Gus work was like watching a figure skater spin on the ring. The man definitely knew his stuff and as he continued in the garage, I noticed a shift in my work load happening.

Soon I spent more time at the counter, doing the write ups, answering the phones and processing payments. After Josh showed me how to order parts from a local supplier and I knew who to talk to a steady stream of requests started coming my way from the garage.

I started to work up a small sweat just from moving around so much, and the activity felt exhilarating to my senses.

Not only that but I started to notice shortages in standing inventory and made a list.

Gus walked up behind me, to get something from under the counter when I asked, “Uh, we’re low on some filters and other items, Willie also told me the 5W30 is starting to get low.”

I handed him the list with the names and part numbers. He looked at the list then looked at me. “Damn I was gonna do this yesterday,” he replied.

“I can, if you want.” I offered.

“Speed dial 3 on the phone is Sarah at General Auto Solutions.” He said handing me the list. “G.A.S is our shop supplier, we keep minimum 25 of everything on that list on hand.” Gus disappeared for a moment into his office and came out with a clip board, “these are our account numbers and service reps for the other stuff. Oil is on speed dial 5.”

He handed me the clipboard and headed back into the garage.

My anxiety peeked a little as I looked at the clipboard. I wanted to do a good job but at the same time I didn’t want to fuck things up. I returned to the counter and picked up the phone.

It was actually easier than I thought. Sarah said she’d have the delivery guy out by the end of the day, and the oil supplier scheduled a delivery for the next morning. Gus was pounding on a rotor to get it loose when I gave him the update.

“Yeah that’s fine,” he glanced in my direction. “Thank you.”

I caught Josh’s eyes as he looked up from what he was working on and he gave me a knowing grin. My probation day was going well.

Things slowed down at lunch time, Gus had his food delivered and disappeared into his office when it arrived. Josh found me as I was closing the last of the mornings work orders and printing invoices and he waited as I got done with a customer call back.

“Amazing.” He said as he appraised me with his eyes sparkling. “Simply amazing,” he continued his thought, “I told you last night you where a fast learner. I had no idea it was that fast.”

I blushed a little and looked away.

“Don’t be embarrassed Ben. I knew you where something special. I could feel it.” His eyes gave me that flicker of… something again and just as quickly as before it disappeared.

“Come on,” he said almost too tenderly. “We’re getting lunch and before you try to tell me your fine. I insist it’s on me.” He gently guided me away from the counter announcing our lunch departure to Gus and we went to shed off the coveralls.

We ended up at this taco joint that Willie had introduced Josh too and we sat out on the patio, I took a seat that let me soak a little sun into my slightly aching arms as Josh dug in. Like breakfast, lunch was great. Totally different to the fair I was used too.

Totally different to what I was used too. That thought stuck with me a little too long as I silently contemplated the words. Josh was talking shop as he ate and I of course was listening to every word but a small part of my thought process remained on that single track.

My thoughts where interrupted by the arrival of two guys who I didn’t know, they rough housed Josh and he looked up as his face brightened.

“Anthony, Dylan when did you guys get back.” He exclaimed as he stood up and hugged them both.

“Yesterday actually, sorry we didn’t stop by to see you.” Anthony replied as he and Dylan finished the embraces and sat down in the two empty chairs.

“Yeah we had some catching up to do with the ‘rents when we finally got back into down.” Dylan said as he gave me a friendly but cursory glance.

Anthony looked to be Josh’s age, while Dylan looked to be mine. Dylan again gave me a curios glance, and he seemed familiar to me which set off a whole series of internal alarm bells but I couldn’t place the face.

“Anthony, Dylan, this is Benjamin Thomas he just started at the garage.” Josh said as he extended a hand in my direction.

“Ben this is Anthony Dugan, and his younger brother Dylan they’ve been gone most of the summer with folks back east.”

I extended a timid hand as steady as possible and shook both.

“Where you a junior last year at Lost Hills?” Dylan asked me as I finished my last taco.

I nodded, “yeah I’ll be a senior this year.”

“I thought so, your face is familiar I think I may have had a couple of classes with you.” Dylan replied studying me a little closer. “Are you ready for next year?”

Again I nodded, “Totally, I only have half days this year due to the work release program I’m in. I took some extra classes in the accelerated program last semester to kill off a few senior extra curricular credits.”

“You plan on staying with Gus while in school then?” Anthony asked joining the conversation.

“That’s the plan, I just have the last four core classes left for math, science, english and history, and work release adds the last 3 credits I need to graduate.” I replied honestly.

“Yeah I know what you mean.” Anthony said in agreement. “Me and Josh are at the same community college and we both work. Speaking of which did you take classes this summer Josh?”

I was grateful the conversation shifted to Josh so I could just be a silent participant.

“Yeah, only two classes. I switched to full time with Gus after you guys left. I’m thinking about keeping it that way till I’m done, I haven’t decided yet. Speaking of which Anthony, as soon as I tell Gus your back in town you know he’s going to want you at the garage. Even with Ben who by the way is rocking his first day, we’re still short handed.”

Anthony chuckled. “I haven’t even unpacked yet and you guys need my help. I’ll stop by and talk to Gus.”

Josh got up and started gathering the trash and Anthony stood up to help. Josh waved me off as I started to get up as I heard Anthony ask, “how are you and mom doing,” as another round of simple conversation started between the two. A few moments later they where out of sight leaving me alone with Dylan.

“How long have you known Josh?” Dylan asked as he watched them walk away.

“Oh, uh… I only met him yesterday when I showed up at the garage to ask about the job.” I said as I sat back and shifted towards Dylan.

“We’ve known Josh forever. He was in my brothers class and was a permanent fixture at our house. Still is when time permits. He’s a good dude to know.” Dylan said as he turned back to me.

“I could use some good dudes to know.” I replied absently, in a tone that indicated more than the words.

“You alright Ben?” Dylan asked as he clasped his hands together on the table and hunched a little towards it. “I only ask because I remember you in passing only. You don’t draw attention to yourself much.”

I gave a small smile, “you don’t know the half of it man. And the answer to your question is a long one. So maybe one day at the right time and place I can answer it.”

He returned my small smile, “I understand dude. Don’t be a stranger though. Me, my brother, even Josh, hell especially Josh knows about having a long answer to certain questions.” His expression changed and the smile disappeared from his face as he glanced towards the direction of Josh and Anthony when they reappeared.

I would have asked a follow up to that last statement but Josh yelled as he got closer.

“HEY!” He barked looking at Dylan, “you trying to steal my date?”

“As if dude.” Dylan replied as he both got up.

“So I’ll see you both soon at some point?” Josh asked as he and Dylan looked like they where getting ready to leave.

“You will, Mr. Price.” Anthony said as he hugged his friend. Dylan followed suit.

Josh looked at me, “ready to go?”

And with that we were heading back to the garage. Josh gave me some more details about Anthony and Dylan and their friendship, and I got the idea that it was a pretty strong one and I felt a little regret that I didn’t have that kind of connection.

You simply didn’t make friends when you where in my position. I tried in the past and it always blew up in my face so I simply stopped trusting people to be a friend. I think Josh picked up on some of my melancholy as we drove because I felt a slight nudge from his arm.

I perked up a little at his concern, “I'm good. Just a little lost in my own thoughts sometimes.”

Josh chucked, “so I’ve noticed. I’m guessing your a pretty private person.”

“Yeah I am. I always have been. I mean I don’t do it intentionally,” okay that part was a lie, “I guess I just don’t have the personality to throw everything to the wind.”

“Ben, you seem like a cool dude. And I really would like to get to know you, and be a friend.” Josh gave me one of those flickers of… something else before returning his eyes to the road.

“Josh I appreciate everything you have done for me and I would definitely count you as a friend.” I replied, which took me for surprise because I totally intended to keep that in.

He smiled back at me as he assumed his parking spot at the garage, “well lets go friend. Lets end your spectacular first day with a bang.”

And a bang it was.

It was slow when we got back from lunch so I sorted through the mail, found some invoices and bills that needed Gus’s attention sooner rather than later. I made time to sort through a small mess of inventory that had been left stacked in the inventory area and got that all straightened out and even ran a broom through the garage a few times.

A stack of paper work fell over on Gus’ desk when I went in to drop off the bills and invoices and I started going through the stack. I noticed it seemed to be stuff that had already been paid but hadn’t been entered into the system yet and Gus caught me with them as I was keying in the figures into the system.

“What are you working on?” Gus asked as I frowned in concentration.

“Oh uh, sorry this fell off your desk when I was delivering the stack from today’s mail to your desk. I was just entering them into the system since I noticed they weren’t in there yet.” I replied.

Gus took a look at the stack I was working on. “Yeah I paid those last night before I left. I was going to do the entries when we closed.” He said eyeing me. He watched me for a few moments as my fingers flew through 10-key on the keyboard.

“You know a little accounting?” He asked still watching me.

“Uh yeah it was part of a general job training course I finished a few weeks ago.” I replied carefully.

“You spent your summer at the workforce commission in classes?” He asked.

I could feel the gears turning in his head as he tried to figure me out. I finished with the stack and looked at him expectantly.

“The black box on top of the filing cabinet.” He pointed and I shuffled the papers into the box.

He continued to look me over for a long silent moment before he went back into his office to go through the stack I had left on his desk.

The rest of the day continued quickly. Once all the front desk work was completed I went out and helped Josh in the bays, and managed to complete a couple of more oil changes before the garage closed for the night. Josh and Willie were wiping down tools and putting things away when I cautiously knocked on Gus’s office door.

“Come in Benjamin,” he said expecting me. I waited for him to finish what he was working on and he spoke without looking up.

“The building didn’t burn down and I didn’t need my pills,” he said as he continued writing notes on a form, then paused to hand me a tan filing envelope.

“Fill out all that so I can get you in the system. It’s a new hire packet. Officially your part time, because of your age but if you need the hours I can find em.”

He looked at me expectantly when I didn’t immediately leave, “is there something else?”

“Yeah, look I can reschedule it for next week because I know I’m on probation but I have a doctors appointment the day after tomorrow. It’s in the morning and I can work after it or--”

“Is it serious?” He asked cutting me off.

“Oh no, it’s not medical. It’s my therapist.” I replied. Gus gave me another one of those penetrating stares.

“Therapy, workforce job training, and the kind of work ethic from someone used to getting their ass beat from goofing off. You’re in The System, aren’t you?” He asked sitting back in his chair.

I quickly closed the office door and turned to face him, “yeah I am.”

“Foster family or Group home?” He asked.

“Group…” I replied with a sigh, “please don’t tell anyone I don’t want Josh to know.”

“Why?”

This was getting uncomfortable, “because I don’t want him or anyone to feel sorry for me and I don’t want anyone to…” My voice faltered a little as my face fell.

“Because you think your a throwaway.” Gus said hitting the nail on the head. I didn’t say anything as Gus opened a drawer in his desk and pulled out a bag which I’m guessing had the bank deposit in it. He pulled out eight twenty dollar bills and put them in an envelope and handed it to me.

“Take it. Consider it a sign on bonus.”

I took it because I knew arguing with this man would not be productive. I turned to leave his office feeling a little dejected.

“Benjamin.” He said as I was about to open the door, I turned to look at him.

“You aren’t a throwaway, don’t ever think like that in this building you got that?” His eyes where on fire with that statement as he looked at me, something had happened before and I could see it on his face, a pain he didn’t want to relive.

“Yes sir.” I said as I opened the door.

“Oh and one more thing, keep your appointment. Just be here when you can get here. Now go before I yell like your one of my own.” He said going back to his paper work.

I stuffed the envelope with cash into my pockets and met Josh outside by the car.

“So do you get to stay?” Josh asked his face masked like a kid on Christmas morning.

I held up the new hire packet, “Yep!”

“YES!” I was almost bowled over by Josh as he quickly crossed the distance and hugged me tightly, which caught me off guard and completely by surprise. My arms reacted automatically and hugged back, and for a moment, just a moment I didn’t want to let go.

Josh dropped me off at that same dark house he had the night before, after promising to pick me up the next morning at the same place as this morning.

Tammy and Samantha where relieved at the news of the job offer and probably noticed when I returned the bus fare money the night before back to the coffee can on top of the fridge. Dinner that night was pizza and pasta for the whole home I guess as to celebrate my accomplishment.

And I went to sleep that night for the first time in a long while without a nightmare.