Salvaging the Road to Redemption - 5. Chapter 5 - It's Complicated

I was abruptly awakened by the sound of the headboard next door banging against the wall.

"Not again," I thought to myself as I shoved my pillow over my head.

The rhythmic banging continued with such force and regularity that it could have been in sync with a metronome.

Judging by the pitch of the moans, I guessed that the person next door was probably Asian. I hadn't even seen my neighbor yet, so I didn't know anything about them except that they seemed to prefer Asians over any other type.

After a few more loud bangs, someone, somewhere had decided that enough was enough. In the dark din of the early morning a door slammed, followed by muffled curses that because more defined as the source came closer. I jumped at the sound of a fist banging on what I assumed to be my next doors neighbor’s door.

“GODDAMMIT I’M TRYING TO SLEEP! KEEP IT DOWN OR I’LL THROW YOU OUT ON YER ASS!”

The decree from Lord Wallace, Owner of the Building and Oblivious of All Maintenance Requests was final.

The noise next door stopped instantly, and I let out a sigh of relief. This had been happening every single night for the last four nights, and I wasn't sure how much more of this I could take. I didn't want to interrupt anyone's private moments, but some of us had to work in the morning.

I glanced at the alarm clock, and the soft green glow in the darkness informed me it was 4:15 AM. I let out a groan. If it had been an hour or two earlier, I might have been able to go back to sleep, but if I had done that now, I would probably end up oversleeping.

This was my third week alone in Unit 204 at 909 W. Third Avenue, and in just a couple of days, I would be starting my final year at Lost Hills High School.

I rolled over onto my back and stared at the ceiling, thinking about that.

Last. Fucking. Year.

My original plan was to quietly exit stage right the second I turned 18 later in the fall. That plan was ripped to shreds almost immediately after I started working for Gus. If I wanted to continue working for Gus, I had no choice but to go, it was not an option. And not only did I have to go but I had to pass. Not only did I have to pass, but just scraping by wouldn't cut it, as I had been recently told.

"Just because you've got that fancy emancipation paper doesn't mean you get to just do whatever you want." Gus had told me last week. "School is important. Sure you can quit but trust me you'll regret it. I know because I regretted it and still do."

I didn't even try to fight Gus on this one, not that I ever openly opposed Gus on anything. He had taken it upon himself to be a mentor whether I wanted one or not and took his job seriously.

Josh made sure I got to the school for registration week. I confirmed my classes and credits, and Josh's mother Pam went through my past transcripts. She discovered I had 1 extra credit and we decided to apply it to my history requirement, reducing my class count to 3. This meant I could leave after lunch, solving some problems for me and my employer. I would only be gone for about 3 and a half hours a day instead of almost 5.

When I wasn't there to manage the paperwork in the garage, things fell apart quickly, which was a problem I couldn't understand. Even though I didn't think my role was crucial, it seemed to make a big difference. Additionally, my therapy sessions would be reduced to 1 every other Saturday morning, which made me feel bad, as no one should have to give up their Saturday to deal with my situation.

I scolded myself, "Stop saying that. You aren't worthless."

I had a lot of bad habits to deal with, and referring to myself in that way was one of them. I discovered that it made people mad when I did it. First, Gus, always reinforced that I wasn't a throwaway. Then Josh, after he discovered who and what I was when I moved into this place, and his mother shortly after. And of course, my therapist, Gavin, who reiterated it in one way or another every time he was in my presence.

It was like taking baby steps, kind of like having to relearn how to walk after a serious trauma.

I glanced at the clock once again. Nearly thirty minutes had passed since I last checked the time. I was grateful that I had been so exhausted the previous night that I fell asleep around 9:30, after a particularly tiring morning. At least I had gotten enough sleep to function reasonably well throughout the day.

Since sleep wasn't an option, I followed my morning routine. I got up, took a shower, made my bed, got dressed, and spent some time writing in my journal. I typically wrote in my journal at night or early in the morning when everything was quiet. I had been writing in journals since I was 12, and I usually filled up a standard composition notebook in about a year. I was currently a few pages into my sixth journal, and so far, no one except for me knew about their existence, let alone had read them.

Except for Josh, not that he read any of them. He had understood immediately what they were and their significance, and I guess classified them as ‘off-limits’ to any type of conversation because he never brought them up.

The clock indicated that I really needed to be downstairs. I quickly threw on a hoodie, grabbed my bag and as soon as my check for daily essentials was complete I grabbed my keys and headed out the door.

As I slid my key into the lock and turned it, the door opened to Unit 203.

"That was great. Thanks," came the sly comment from the occupant next door as he slipped some cash to the Asian prostitute who was leaving his apartment. She gave him a knowing smile before the cash disappeared into her bra and she walked away.

He stood there for a moment watching her walk away before the sound of me removing my key from the lock caught his attention.

"Oh, hey," he said as he saw me standing there.

"Uh, hi," I replied, trying my best to be cordial.

He looked young. My age young. His brown hair came down to his ears, parted in the middle in that 90's teen boy magazine way. He had an earring in the ear that I could see, no facial hair, but a light dusting of a treasure trail that went down his belly button and disappeared into his pajama bottoms. His brown eyes had mischief in them, and a curiosity that was directed at me.

"Sorry for the noise, I'm Alexander. Or Alex is fine too." He said softly in a soft baritone, that could have been pleasant under normal circumstances.

"It's fine I was already up anyway. I'm Ben." I lied, as I closed the distance and held out a hand to be friendly. This for some reason piqued his interest as he shook it and looked me over.

"Did you like what you heard?" Alex asked almost too causally.

"Uh, it was fine. But the owner is crazy, you can't keep doing it, I've seen him throw people out for less." I replied, and it was true I had.

"Been here a while then?"

"Not really, just a month."

"Well then, I'll keep it quiet, Ben. I'm still new to being alone. I was in the foster system for 5 years." Alex explained.

"I was in it for 8. I feel ya."

"Another throwaway?" Alex said in a way I did not like at all. There was a menace behind that comment.

"I'm not a throwaway Alex, I'm Benjamin. A person."

"You know what, you're right. I'm sorry." Alex said quickly. "I said it without thinking, it's just habit."

I simply nodded and pursed my lips a little bit, getting uncomfortable with this whole encounter. "Yeah, well uh. I gotta get to work man." I said with a little haste.

"Okay uh, you wanna talk or something later? I got weed if you wanna smoke maybe?"

"I'm not into that man, I've got too much to do and not a lot of time to do it with. But maybe we can hang out or something. I mean you are next door." I said quickly.

"Cool dude, well have a good one I'm gonna take a nap." He said then disappeared back inside his apartment.

I continued on downstairs and shivered as soon as I was free of the front door. The air was chilly and a little damp. I paced a little and rubbed my arms to get a little fiction heat, as I digested what just happened. Meeting Alex perturbed me, I knew I was gonna have to be careful around this one.

I didn’t have time to think about it for long, Josh pulled up almost immediately and I jumped in.

"Morning," I said as I closed the door and buckled in.

"Good morning," Josh replied. "Everything okay?" He asked as he took in my rushed entry.

"Got woke up by the neighbor's headboard slapping the wall again," I said as Josh pulled into the street.

"Again?"

"I think it'll be the last. This time it woke Wallace up and he gave the guy the riot act. I ended up meeting him just now as I was leaving." I rubbed the last vestiges of sleep out of my eyes and continued, "Some dude just out of the system. Probably my age."

"Well, shit."

"Well, shit indeed. The guy has seen more action in the last week than I will probably until I'm in my early 20's."

That made Josh laugh, "I'm sure something will come along."

"No doubt, not that I'm exactly pining for it to happen or anything," I replied. Josh gave me one of those appraising glances but didn't reply.

I hadn't exactly had any conversation with anyone of that nature and didn't intend on having one soon. Despite my crush on Josh who was pretty heavy-handed sometimes I willed myself to not allow it to show. He was a good friend and I didn't want to lose that right now or make it weird. At some point, I'd tell him of course, but when, where, that was for time and fate to work out not me.

"You ready to go back to school?" Josh asked after a minute or two of silence.

"I am, after that credit your mom found, it's going to make my life a little easier and still keep up with the Garage. One less class to worry about you know?"

"Yep. I sure do."

Me and Josh chatted about that for a bit more before we made our standard morning pit stop at the first place he ever took me. That white chocolate mocha was no joke.

"Hey hey! My boys!" A voice boomed from the back as we entered.

"Good morning Elias!" We both said as he moved to the front counter.

"How are you doing this morning Eh? No rings around the eyes this time Benjamin." He said as he waggled his eyebrows.

"Yeah, I got some sleep last night," I said with a chuckle.

"2 White Chocolate Mochas, 4 sausage rolls and do you need a dozen this morning or no?" Elias asked getting right down to business.

"We'll take the dozen this time Elias, along with the standing order."

"You got it!" He said after calling out the order to the back.

"I swear I'm gonna start having you fill a thermos with that stuff once we get closer to winter," Josh said to Elias as he leaned on the counter.

"You know I never thought about that. Good Idea Josh, Good Idea!"

"If you do you know I'm going to steal half of it," I said nonchalantly.

"That was the point," Josh replied with a wink.

Elias humored us with a couple of small free samples as our order was completed and we made it to the garage soon after.

I honestly have no idea why Gus's Garage was so popular, because once Willie, Anthony, and a newer guy Terry showed up the normal chaos ensued. It's like the general population just knew when we were ready to go because it never failed, customers showed up like we were the only shop in town.

Despite mainly working up front I did end up helping with easier items such as oil changes, battery, and air conditioning tests. If I started something and I was needed up front someone picked up where I left off.

It had happened a few times this morning and as we got closer to lunch a familiar voice was soon calling my name.

"Hi, Ben!" Alex said as he stepped out of a mid-90s model Oldsmobile Ciera.

"Hey," I replied a little surprised. Well, at least he was wearing a shirt this time. "What can we do for you, man?"

"An oil change and a new battery. I just got this a couple of days ago and I'm pretty sure the issues I've got are related to both."

"Okay, follow me we'll get started."

I got all of the details off the car, you know the standard stuff, and he followed me into the office as I plugged it all into the computer. As I was entering the data he gave me several furtive glances I'm sure he thought I didn't notice.

"Which oil change do you want the most affordable or the bells and whistles? I asked indicating a chart on the wall.

"Affordable is fine."

"Alright, and we do have your battery size in stock. So oil change, filter, battery, disposal fees, labor, and tax your total will be $173.17"

Alex gave a long whistle and chucked as he pulled out his wallet.

"You can pay me after, you know like this morning," I said with a slight cough.

"Oh burn!" Alex exclaimed, "Oh well at least this is cheaper."

"I'll take your keys and get one of the guys on this," I said nonchalantly as the printer spat out the work order and Alex forked over the keys. I put both into the clear service envelopes we used and signaled the garage with the bell Gus used.

Josh came inside immediately, "Watcha got Ben?"

"Oil and battery," I said handing him the envelope.

"Cool I'll be done in 30, then lunch?"

"You bet."

Alex watched with interest as Josh went to the car and pulled it into a bay. "You know he's got a nice ass. He single?"

"Seriously?" I asked with an arched eyebrow, "Didn't you have a g…"

"I don't put labels on stuff Ben if I like it, I'll do it."

Well, shit.

"So is he single?"

“I think so?" I said hesitantly.

"What about you?" Alex asked slowly looking back towards me

"Definitely"

"Perfect." He replied, and I wasn't sure I liked how he said that.

Throughout the rest of the half-hour, Alex watched Josh as he worked on his car. I suspected that he was checking out Josh's ass the whole time, but I couldn't be certain. I was grateful that Josh's coveralls weren't too tight.

A few more customers came and went, and Anthony noticed Alex's interest in Josh on more than one occasion, but said nothing. Fortunately, Josh kept his promise, and right on time, he closed the vehicle hood and pulled the car out of the bay after nearly 30 minutes.

"Alright all done," he said as he approached the counter with the keys and the paperwork.

"Nice," Alex said as he approached.

"So I went ahead and checked a few things under the hood, really the car's not that bad off. You'll probably need a belt soon maybe a brake job but it starts right up." Josh explained as he handed the keys to me. "If it does anything just bring it back and we'll be happy to look."

"Thank you I appreciate it."

"Sure!" Josh said as he gave a quick wave and left probably to change out of his coveralls.

I repeated the total to Alex who handed me two crisp $100 bills. I made changes and printed out a receipt. "There you are. Anything else?"

"Nope, that'll be it. Thanks, Ben I'll be coming back here again."

Fantastic.

After Alex left Anthony strolled into the sales area watching the Ciera clear the intersection as he came in.

"Who was that?"

"Just the guy that's been keeping me awake the last week banging prostitutes," I muttered.

Anthony started laughing, "Do what? He was checking out Josh."

"Who was?" Josh asked as he stepped through the door, sans coveralls.

I groaned inwardly, this was getting uncomfortable fast.

"My neighbor, his name is Alex."

"That was the dude you met this morning?!" Josh exclaimed.

"Yeah."

"Bro he was staring at your ass the whole time," Anthony said with a giggle.

Josh looked down at his ass, then at Anthony, then at his ass again, "Well it is a nice ass."

"We'll see how nice it is after I shove my fucking foot in it," Gus added as he stepped in and handed me what he just finished.

"And with that, it's time for lunch folks!" Josh said as he left.

"I'm going too Gus," I called out.

Gus's reply came in the form of the office door slamming shut which meant he heard me.

Lunch was a normal affair between me and Josh. It still kind of amazed me at times as to how we could fall into a routine an old married couple had but neither of us actually be in any kind of serious relationship with each other. He picked me up in the mornings and took me home at night. I occasionally had dinner at his house with his mom, sometimes we'd have to take out at my place, and like now we'd do lunch.

Our conversations ranged from interesting topics to the mundane, it wasn’t anything special. One thing I did notice is that Josh always seemed to keep the conversation going and I didn’t understand why? Usually people talked themselves into silence every now and again but with him that did not happen, until now.

“You know Alex asked if you were single” I idly dropped in, because you know. I’m curious.

“Did he?” Josh replied, refusing the bait.

“And according to Anthony he was staring at your ass the entire time.” I added as I took a swig from my bottle of water.

“Did he look at my ass?”

“Well Anthony said-”

“Oh no you don’t. You where there. You could have noticed.”

“Just because I was there doesn’t necessarily mean I noticed.”

“But you don’t deny that you noticed!” Josh replied snapping his fingers.

Crap.

I gave a non-committal grunt.

“I’m not hearing an answer!” Josh laughed out with a twinkle in his eye.

Damn him.

“Maybe.” I muttered very quietly.

“I’m sorry can you repeat that.”

“OKAY. Maybe!”

“So you admit you saw Alex or whatever his name is checking out my ass.”

“Yes.”

“Why was that so hard to answer.” he asked playfully.

“Because I wasn’t going to lie and say ‘oh no Josh, I didn’t see a damn thing’” I replied with just as much banter.

“Did you look at my ass?”

“Josh!”

“Well?!”

“On advise from my counsel, I plead the fifth as my answer may or may not incriminate me.”

“So you have.”

“That’s not an admission of guilt!”

“Refusing to answer could be construed as an admission.”

“In WHAT court?”

“The Court Of Josh.” He replied smugly with a grin, “It’s a nice ass you know.”

“I’ve seen better.”

Josh gave me a feigned hurt look that was obviously a play at my reply.

“He also asked if you are single.”

“It’s complicated.”

“What is?” I asked.

“My relationship status.”

“Why is it complicated. Have you met someone?” I’m definitely interested in the answer to this one. I started to take another swig from my water bottle.

“Yes.”

I slapped my hand over my mouth to keep from spewing water everywhere. “WHO?”

“Maybe I’ll introduce you someday.”

“You’re serious?”

“Yep.”

“Wow I had no idea.” I was floored, and honestly didn’t have anything else to say.

“I mean we are still getting to know each other as friends right? There’s stuff I don’t know about you so there’s bound to be some stuff you don’t know about me right?”

I nodded in complete agreement, “you’re right.”

“Let me go use the bathroom and we’ll head back to the garage.” Josh said as he got up and disappeared out of view.

What the fuck just happened. Literally what the flying fuck. How did I not know? I mean yeah me and Josh didn’t hang out all day every day. He still had a life outside of me. Now I wish I had a life outside of him.

I felt funny, like something in my head suddenly stopped working correctly.

I don’t know what this means.

I mean I…

What just happened? I guess I’m just a friend? The dude at work that occasionally hangs out?

What am I?

A throwaway.

Am I not worth consideration?

Why didn’t he tell me he met someone before?

Is this for real?

I guess I’m just…

A throwaway.

“You ready?” Josh asked tapping me on the shoulder.

“Oh yeah totally.” I said as I immediately started packing up my trash.

We got back in the car and Josh fired up the Camero’s V8. He gave it a couple of good revs and guided it out of the parking lot.

“Oh hey, after we’re done today I have to be someplace so I’ll just drop you off yeah?”

“Yeah that’s cool.” I replied sounding totally normal.

Josh nodded and flicked on the radio, and cranked it, almost as if on queue from the universe itself, “No Time.” by The Guess Who blared from the speakers.

I didn’t know it at that moment but something deep inside me started to crack like metal fatigue.

And it would be the first of many.

The rest of the day was just as busy as the start of it. I didn’t have time to dwell on my thoughts. When you grow up like I did, you learn a skill that most kids don’t. When something you don’t like happens, you stuff it in a box and bury it. If it needs to be addressed later, it goes in the journal because that’s what it’s for. It worked for me in the past and will work for me for this.

I don’t know why I was even getting worked up over it. Nothing’s changed. Everything so far is the same. Guys bantering in the garage, Gus dropping a tool with a curse, Josh watching me from afar when he thinks I don’t notice.

Yep, nothing has changed.

I busied myself with work, and when I ran out of the normal stuff I work on I found stuff that needed to be done and focused on that. I was so focused I almost missed Gus as he said something in passing.

“I’m sorry.” My brain said automatically.

“For what?” Gus asked turning in my direction.

“I.. I mean I didn’t hear what you said.” I corrected.

“Go ahead and shut it down for the day Ben. Enjoy your weekend.”

“Oh right, you too.”

I finished what I was working on, got the close out reports from the printer put them in the bin for Gus, and shut everything down up front.

“Got any plans?” Josh asked as we cruised through downtown towards Third Avenue.

“Not really. I may just do nothing for once. Seems like I’ve been running non-stop the last month.”

“Sometimes doing nothing is good.” Josh replied.

“Yes it is…” I said absently.

I was on autopilot when Josh dropped me off, just as I normally am. I couldn’t shake that feeling I had before like something in my head suddenly wasn’t working anymore. I ignored it and used my key to get me into the building.

A short yet silent trek later I was sliding another key into the lock of my apartment.

“Ben.” A voice called out startling me a little. I look over and saw Alex leaning against his door frame.

“Wanna hang?”

“Not sure if this is a good time man, pretty wiped out you know?” I replied as I clicked the lock open and cracked the door.

“Aww. No noise tonight I swear.”

“No noise? Uh hang tomorrow then?”

“Done.” Alex said before he disappeared back behind his door.

What the hell is going on? My thoughts repeated from earlier. Something’s not right, I don’t feel. I don’t.

Don’t. Know.

I shuffled inside the door and closed it. I automatically started putting everything away where it was supposed to go. Keys on the hook, flip phone on the charger, bag on the chair. I stripped myself from my hoodie and threw it in the basket.

Was it warm in here? Why am I sweating?

Breathe. You’re okay. Breathe.

“You’re tired dude. You didn’t get enough sleep.” I said to myself. It was still early, but I was tired. Exhausted in fact.

I stripped down to my boxers and grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge and flopped down on my bed.

I just needed to sleep. I convinced myself.

I looked over on my night stand, next to the alarm clock sat the prescription bottle that Gavin had given me forever ago. He said they would take the edge off right? At this point I had taken maybe 2 or 3 total since I had gotten them.

I read the label, “take one before bed or as needed, take no more than 3 in any 24 hr period.”

I quickly opened the bottle, and took out two. After all this was for ‘taking the edge off’ two couldn’t hurt. I popped both of them and swallowed then closed my eyes.

As I drifted off to sleep, for the first time in weeks The Hand grabbed me from the darkness, and this time I couldn’t scream.