Dichotomy of Love - 20. Part Two. Chapter Eight.

Kyan was not going to let this best him.

He was done fighting.

There had to be a better way.

He took a deep breath through his nose and clenched his fists, then grabbed the mattress off the bed, wrangled a bungee cord-clips around it, and secured to the corners of the sleeping bag. When he finished fastening the bedding to the mattress, he laid it back on the frame and gazed at his handy work. Sure, it looked a little medieval, better suited for a psychiatric ward than a child’s bed, but it was his creation.

Kyan grinned, excited to see if this would work. He imagined not picking up sheets and bedding off the floor every morning and not having to straighten covers every night when trying to get the kids to sleep. It was a potential life-changer, even though the concept was rough. If this survived the night, his next step was to sew the sleeping bags onto a fitted sheet so the whole lot would fit over the mattress, but that was a lot of hand sewing. Baby steps.

Kyan called the kids into the room. He wasn’t entirely sure what they were doing while he dove head-first into this project, but he was confident they hadn’t gotten into too much trouble. He raised too many tattletalers for the place to burn down without him knowing.

The pajama-clad kids hurried through the small house like a herd of wildebeests trying to outrun a pride of lions. They shoved through Noah’s door, ‌poor Gracie last, jumping up and down, trying to see what was happening.

“That’s soooo cool,” Noah gushed, smiling maniacally as he walked to the bed, scoping out his dad’s handiwork.

Kids were so easy to please. They looked at the bungee-strapped sleeping bag bedding the way Dayna had looked at eight-hundred thread count Egyptian cotton sheets. Their reaction made Kyan feel like a million bucks.

Kyan unzipped the sleeping bag and pulled the top back. “Each of you has one on your bed. Your job is to toss, turn, kick, and scream—wait, no screaming, just moving, ok? Do everything you can in your sleep to get this on the floor like you do every night with your regular sheets. Got it? Whoever succeeds gets chocolate chips in their pancakes tomorrow morning.”

Equipped with a new challenge, they ran to their rooms and their beds. No one got up for water, to chat, to recall an anecdote that would take twenty minutes to share, or to use the bathroom.

Most importantly, no one asked about Perry. A first in five days. They were so excited, they crawled into their little straight-jacket psych beds and went straight to sleep.

The next morning, the bedding was still on the mattresses. None of it was on the ground, getting trampled and dirty. Kyan looked at his creation and smiled triumphantly.

His children sulked into the kitchen with their heads hung low. They had fought a good fight, but in the end, they had not claimed victory.

With a sigh, Kyan pulled a bag of chocolate chips from the drawer. He couldn’t stand to look at their sad little faces for one more second.

They scented the decadent chocolate and scrambled to the table.

“Plates, forks, butter, and syrup,” he reminded them.

Noah delegated the roles. “Ava, you get the syrup. Henry the butter, Gracie get five forks, and I will get the plates because they’re heavy, and I’m the strongest.”

“No! Me da strongest!” Gracie said with a scowl and stomp of her foot.

Unimpressed, Noah crossed his arms. “Then pick me up.”

Gracie marched over with all the confidence in the world, wrapped her arms around his stomach, and tried to lift her very big brother off the ground. She grunted and pushed forward, sending them both sprawling across the kitchen floor.

Noah huffed and got up. “Just get the forks, would ya?”

****

Kyan’s fingers tapped incessantly on the steering wheel as he drove to Mo’Latte.

Upon arrival, Max was already at the table with drinks, dangling a pint-sized cocoa for the pint-sized Gracie. Despite the three weeks since she’d last seen Max, Gracie knew exactly what to do. She sat at the table like a darling, with her ankles crossed, and batted her lashes.

“Can I pweaze have cocoa Mitter Max?”

She wasn’t in a sequined dress or looking like a wild child fresh out of winter hibernation. Gracie wore black leggings, little Uggs, an oversized hoodie and a high pony. Max couldn’t resist her basic white bitch ways and all but shoved the drink into her hands.

She grinned and carefully brought the cup to her lips.

“One day, she’s gonna go nuts for a pumpkin spice latte,” Max said, laughing as he watched her with a happy grin and sparkling blue eyes. “She’s no three-year-old I’ve ever seen.”

Gracie scowled. “Me is three and a haff.”

“Ahh, that must be why you look so grown up.”

She sat up straight and one corner of her mouth curled, proud that she was so big.

While Gracie finished her hot cocoa, the two got caught up. Max shared about his sister’s visit for Christmas and how she was doing a lot better. He wasn’t sure she was ready to take Keegan back, but he was happy to see her looking healthy. If she stayed on course, Max thought it would only be a few months before mom and son reunited.

Kyan shared about Hawaii and all the fun the kids had. He skirted around the bigger stuff, saving it for when Gracie got bored and wandered to the children’s alcove with all the toys … which happened right around the time Henry threw up all over Perry.

“Speaking of the perfect uncle who would let his cute little nephew wretch all over him and then snuggle him all night long…”

Here it goes.

“I need to be honest with you about something,” Kyan blurted before he lost his nerve. He’d convinced himself that Max would understand, but now he wasn’t so sure. Even people as cheerful and easygoing as Max had a limit to their kindness. Kyan’s stomach burbled like a terrible science experiment. “And you’re not going to like it.”

Max deflated and stuck his bottom lip out. “Perry’s not interested.”

“Not exactly, but that’s not—” Kyan ran his fingers through his hair and looked to the ceiling for inspiration. Finding the words was a lot harder than he expected, and crushing Max’s soul was the last thing Kyan wanted to do. He took a breath and sent a prayer up, hoping someone would show him mercy. “Perry was the guy I messed around with after the club.”

Max’s brows shot up.

Kyan wrung his fingers and kept going. “I wanted to say something after it happened, but it was all a little crazy and unexpected. You know? I didn’t know what was happening or what would come of it, and it was Perry, which added a layer of weirdness because you had a crush on him and also because he’s my brother-in-law. I should’ve said something right away. You’re my friend and you would’ve understood. More than that, you deserve the truth. And well, if it makes any difference, the whole thing ended in an epic crash and burn. So, yeah, I— I just thought you should know. I needed to tell you.”

Max set his coffee on the small table and propped his elbows up, but remained silent for several agonizing seconds. Finally, he sighed and smushed his cheek against his fist. “I wish I could say I’m surprised, but it was very obvious.”

Kyan’s jaw dropped.

“I knew he had feelings for you the first time I saw him with you, but he’s so damn amazing. Stupidly, I thought that maybe I could be the guy who makes Perry look away. I am surprised, however, by you. I did not see that coming.”

Kyan had come to terms with the fact that things between him and Perry had begun, on some level, before he realized what was happening. Still, the speed and depth of his attraction to Perry still flummoxed him. “Neither did I.”

“You were surprised?”

“Completely. I was never attracted to guys before.”

Max turned his head slightly to look askance at Kyan. “Are you sure about that? You were awfully young when you married Dayna. You think on some level you might have been interested, only you didn’t recognize it because you never had the chance to sort it out?

Kyan blinked. “I don’t remember noticing boys, but I wasn’t all that interested in girls, either. Maybe you’re right, I don’t know.”

There was a moment of silence before Max said, “Well, tell me what happened.”

“Are you sure?” Kyan studied his friend for any signs of hesitation. “I know you like Perry, and I don’t want to be more insensitive than I’ve already been.”

Max waved him off. “If I’m honest, and I really don’t want to be, I might have used Perry as a distraction from my own fucked up ‘love’ life. I would die to fall for a Perry and have a Perry fall for me. Instead, I have a toxic not-relationship with a guy I can’t stand, but can’t walk away from either. Now, go on and jam the toast. I need to know there is hope for other people.”

Kyan did, in much more detail than he expected. He started at the club, went through Hawaii, and kept on going until the bitter end. No detail was spared.

Max sat back and scratched his head. “Well, shit.”

“Yeah.”

Kyan thought Max would jump right into dissecting the situation. He was the kind of guy who had something to say about everything, but he sat there silently, sipping his iced coffee while Kyan fidgeted.

“Well?” Kyan asked, unable to take another second of silence.

Max shrugged. “It’s a complex situation.”

“I know! And I don’t have other friends outside of the family, so it leaves me at a disadvantage. I really need to talk about it.”

“By all means, talk.”

“I kind of meant I needed someone to justify my feelings.”

Max chuckled. “Your feelings are justified. You don’t need me to do that.”

“If I’m justified, why the heck do I feel out of sorts about the whole thing?”

“I have to be honest ... again,” Max said, slightly wincing. “I’m terrible with advice. If I were any good, my love life would look a lot different. I wouldn’t have tried so hard to get the attention of someone so clearly uninterested.”

“Well, you're kind of all I have here,” Kyan said, all but begging Max to throw him a bone. He was desperate.

Max took a deep breath, readying himself for his new role as Kyan’s life advisor. “You have every right to be upset about how things were presented. From what you’ve told me, it should have been handled with a lot more grace. You mentioned something doesn’t feel right?”

Something was off, and it was keeping Kyan up at night. He was so ANGRY, and yet he felt wrong for feeling angry.

“You feel like Perry deceived you?”

“He did deceive me,” Kyan corrected.

“But he’s not a malicious person.”

Kyan shook his head. “He’s not.”

“He’s sweet, thoughtful, kind, giving, selfless, good with the kids—”

“Yes, yes, yes,” Kyan drawled, rolling his eyes. “He’s all those things and more. Which is why I’m so mad.”

Max blinked. “You’re mad that he’s all those great things?”

“Yes. It makes what he did so much worse.”

“What did he do, exactly?” Max asked, tilting his head to the side, genuinely curious.

“He kept me in the dark, which feels a little like manipulation, and he betrayed Dayna.”

“Did Perry have a history of stealing Dayna’s boyfriends or something?”

“No, nothing like that… that I know of.”

“But there was something about you and Perry that triggered her?”

“That’s what I’m told. Which doesn’t make any sense!” He only ever had eyes for Dayna back then.

Max bit back a smile. “Because the attraction between you and Perry at the club wasn’t enough to pull your gay strings? And the two of you didn’t just have a whirlwind romance where you may or may not have thought you were falling in love with him?”

“I mean—”

“And there is no way Dayna looked at you when you were with Perry and saw something?”

“I never looked at anyone the way I looked at Dayna.”

“Intentionally.”

Kyan crossed his arms. He assumed Max had his back, but he was wrong. “Who’s side are you on?”

Max laughed. “I told you I’m not good at this advice stuff.”

“Clearly.”

“Listen. Life is shitty. You know this more than most. I don’t know Perry the way you do, but you can’t actually think he’s capable of being a terrible, manipulating person? From the way you speak of him, I doubt he was ever malicious towards his sister where you were concerned. I guess there is one question you should ask yourself. Did you trust Dayna?”

“Of course.”

“Then talk to Perry. Dayna saw something in you and him, and that shouldn’t be ignored. But just ‘cause it scared her doesn't make it bad.”

Kyan slumped in his chair. His phone burned a hole in his pocket, the way it had every minute of every day since he stormed out of Perry’s bedroom. “Even if I wanted to hear him out, Perry’s gone dark. It’s been two weeks, and I haven’t seen or heard from him. Not one text or call. Nothing.”

Max’s blond brows pinched. “He hasn’t reached out even once?”

“Nothing since I left his house. I don’t know what makes me more mad, him lying to me or him just walking away.”

“You want him to fight for you?”

Kyan shrugged as if the answer wasn’t unequivocally YES. He wanted Perry to fight for him. “Perry changed my life. The first person I’m attracted to since Dayna is not just a man, but her brother? Plus, he’s everything I could ever want in a partner. I’m human, Max. Of course, I want him to fight for me! I want to know that the last six weeks weren’t a fluke. That they weren’t something to be written off.”

“Well, have you reached out to him?”

“No,” he whispered, his eyes downcast. Kyan was afraid. If he showed up and Perry slammed the door in his face, it would destroy him. Dayna’s death had been devastating, but losing Perry would be worse.

Perry had been his only friend after moving to Oregon, the only person who checked in on him while he was elbow deep in diapers. He was a boulder of support after Dayna passed, helping Kyan come to grips with his crippling grief. When Kyan thought he would spend the rest of his life single because he was a father of four young kids, Perry made him feel love again—in a way he’d never experienced.

****

Kyan white-knuckled the wheel as his car crawled through the kindergarten pickup line. He’d had a week to delude himself into believing he could hate Perry forever.

Stupid coffee with Max.

Stupid verbalizing his emotions.

Stupid feelings.

Ava and Henry talked over each other as they shared the best and worst parts of their day while Gracie yelled over them, making sure her siblings knew she’d had hot chocolate. Kyan plastered on a smile as they did their normal after-school routine before picking Noah up. On the way home, he made a last-minute stop at the grocery store because he was low on basic food supplies, a task he usually pawned off on Perry for convenience purposes. After all, four kids in a grocery store rarely ended well.

And it didn’t.

Nabisco had it out for him. Not ten feet into the store was a giant display of Oreos and Chips Ahoy. He tried to distract the kids by racing through the store and sending them on a special mission for their favorite tortilla wraps. It didn’t work.

By the time he got them back to the SUV, the kids were in full nuclear meltdown.

ALL SYSTEMS FAILING.

Awesome psych bedding or not, bedtime was going to be a disaster, and he hadn’t even gotten through dinner yet.

Kyan stood at the refrigerator, looking at potential dinner ideas while wishing he had grabbed pizza, even though they would have argued about the toppings, when he heard the rumble of a diesel truck. Kyan’s heart immediately took off, beating so fast it left him feeling shaky and light-headed.

He closed the fridge and looked around, trying to find a hiding spot. He wasn’t ready to face Perry, despite waiting all week for him to come around.

The kids bolted to the front window and cheered. “Grandpa’s here!”

Now, Kyan unequivocally wanted to hide. Seeing Jed and Trudy was worse than seeing Perry. He pressed his back against the kitchen cabinets, skirted to the least visible corner, and closed his eyes.

Noah opened the door. “Hi, Grandpa!”

Kyan listened as Jed greeted the four individually, realizing his father-in-law had come alone. What? Jed and Trudy were a package deal. Where there was one, there was the other.

He pressed a hand to his chest and felt his heart pounding against his palm. Jed coming alone was not a good sign. Kyan knew something bad was about to happen. It was suddenly sweltering in the house.

Jed crossed into the kitchen wearing his typical flannel, suspenders, and Steele Trucking black trucker’s hat while the kids were underfoot, asking a million questions. You’d think they hadn’t seen him in a year.

“Is Perry coming?”
“Is Aunt Jess coming and Charlie?”
“Where’s Grandma?”
“You got us Chick-Fil-A.”
“Did you bring’d us nuggies?”
“Are dems sodas?” Gracie asked, her eyes sparkling as they tracked the beverages every movement.

Jed chuckled, set three bags of food and a full drink holder on the table, then looked at Kyan. “I know you don’t do a lot of fast food, but I was hungry. I thought maybe you and the kids would be as well.”

“Of course. I was just trying to figure out what to do for dinner. Thank you.” Kyan quickly gestured to the table where the kids were already waiting. Henry sat in the chair on his knees, licking his lips and wringing his hands together as he watched the food like it was his unsuspecting prey.

His father-in-law unloaded the bags, mostly of nuggies, but there were sandwiches and lots of sauces. Kyan imagined Jed staring at the menu wide-eyed, making the poor employee laugh as he ordered a bunch of random stuff. It was kind of sweet, if a little terrifying. He couldn't help but feel like this was the butter-up before the boot.

His last meal before execution.

Kyan waited for Jed to bring the hammer down, but dinner was wonderful, nothing but smiles and laughter as the children cherished the rare time with just their grandpa. When the only thing left on the table were crumbs and wrappers, the kids pulled Jed to the living room, where they went a little crazy, jumping around and dancing, vying for his undivided attention.

Jed soaked up the attention, doing what grandpas do best by getting them all riled up.

“You have to come see our beds,” Ava said as she tugged her grandpa through the house. “They don’t even go on the floor anymore!”

Kyan wanted to follow them to the bedrooms so he could explain why the beds looked so terrible, but he stayed back and let the kids have their moment. He listened and smiled as they talked excitedly about the bedding. When they came out, Jed raised his brow at Kyan as if to say, well, that’s… interesting.

His stomach dropped. He’d worked so hard on the bedding. Were they rough? Yes, but he had worked so hard on them. He was going to revamp them. It was only phase one.

While Kyan let the disappointment sink in, Jed got the kids ready for bed. He was slower than Kyan and Perry, but the kids relished the attention and didn’t argue once. Jed was in their rooms for a while, probably reading them a story. He came out twenty minutes later, smiling, if a bit tired-looking.

“I’m not going to lie,” Jed said as he pulled out a chair and sat next to Kyan. He braced himself for the incoming critique. “I could use one of those in a king size.”

“Oh.” Kyan didn’t know what to say. He studied Jed to see if he was joking, but it didn’t appear sarcastic. “I still have a long way to go on them, but I could try.”

Jed waved him off. “Down the road. Tru and I are still young, but I can see those being great as we get older. If you got some large, sturdy zipper pulls, I think you’d have a market with the older generation.”

Well, Kyan didn’t think that was the case. This was just a fun project for his kids, possibly a distraction from everything happening, but not a business. He smiled and nodded anyway because Jed was being kind.

Also, kind of weird. They sat at the table in a kind of awkward silence.

His father-in-law cleared his throat and rubbed his hands together. He met Kyan’s gaze. Familiar and nervous, just like his son’s. “I came here to see the kids, but I also want to apologize.”

Kyan startled. “For what?”

“Upsetting you.”

“You haven’t upset me.”

“My family has, and part of the reason was me.”

It was Perry who’d upset him, but he wouldn’t argue with Dayna’s father, so he remained silent.

Sensing a roadblock, Jed let out a breath. “Kids are so different. It doesn’t matter that they come from the same people and share the same genes.They come with their own unique personalities. Take yours, for example. Noah is an easygoing rule follower. He rarely makes a fuss about anything and always has a smile. Henry is Henry. A boy after my own heart. Give him a truck, and he’ll be content for days. Ava is a sweet empath, always feeling the emotions. And then there is Gracie.You can’t help but love her, even when you don’t want to.

“For us, Jessica was the firstborn with a bossy, type-A personality. She ruled the house, or tried to. Perry was our fiercely loyal people-pleaser. Then there was Dayna. We called her Shaker. If Jess and Perry wanted to watch The Lion King, Dayna wanted Tom and Huck. She never went along with anything, always shaking things up, and if she didn’t get her way, good Lord, that girl could throw a tantrum. Some kids are born needing more attention. Dayna was one of those.”

Kyan smiled. He never experienced that side of Dayna. She had always been kind and generous with him, but he saw glimpses, so he knew it was true. Gracie was Dayna’s mini-me.

“With different personalities, you have different dynamics—and I’m being long-winded about this. What I’m trying to say is that Perry and Dayna had a difficult relationship. She loved her brother but was so mean to him, even when she was Gracie’s age. We could never figure out why, but we spent more time pulling her off of him than we did enjoying our time together. Tru and I ripped our hair out over it. We couldn’t convince Dayna to play nicely, so we inadvertently put that burden on Perry because we knew he would do everything in his power to keep the peace.

“One of my biggest regrets as a parent is that we put that responsibility on him. It wasn’t until you came into the picture that we realized the damage it caused. If Tru and I knew Perry had feelings for you, we can only assume Dayna knew. Unfortunately, we created an environment where Perry put his feelings aside for ‘the better good’ of Dayna. Instead of talking to his sister about how he felt, he bottled it up—for years—and Dayna let him. Sometimes, I think she used it against him, and I hate that about their relationship. I hate that we contributed to it.

“I don’t think Perry would have ever tried anything with you if things hadn’t happened how they did. Organically. He would have harbored those feelings to the grave because that is how Perry is, and it’s what we groomed him to do.”

Jed wiped a tear from his eye before it could fall.

“Perry couldn’t wait for things to be out in the open between you two, but he knew this was a big transition, and he knew you had a tough relationship with your own parents, which spilled over into our relationship, so he treaded lightly. He was careful to make sure you felt no pressure. In fact, Perry does nothing for you that is not meticulously thought through.”

“Then why did he keep me in the dark? It goes against everything you just said.”

Jed frowned, his cheeks damp from tears. “Because he is still keeping the peace with Dayna. However you feel about being with Perry, knowing Dayna disapproved, know that burden weighs one hundred times more for Perry. In his head, he should never have had you, not for a single moment. And right now, he’s getting what he thinks he deserves.” Jed buried his face in his hands and quietly sobbed. “And it’s our fault.”

Tears rolled down Kyan’s face. He didn’t know what to do. The Steeles were unflappable. The perfect family. Not once had he seen them fight or argue. They were supportive and kind. Had she been so cruel to Perry? How had he missed it?

It sounded like Dayna belonged with his parents. He remembered hearing once that men marry women like their mothers, and women marry men like their fathers. Had Kyan done that? Had he subconsciously married someone as vicious as his mother was?

What example was he setting for his own kids?

Shaken, Kyan got up to grab some paper towels for himself and Jed. After roughly scrubbing his eyes and blowing his nose, Jed continued. “I don’t know how Dayna would feel about you and Perry. I reckon she wouldn’t like it,” he admitted, staring down at his tightly clasped hands. “She could be selfish that way. You have something great with that man, and to throw that away because my daughter would rather her husband be miserable and her kids grow up without an amazing support system than see her brother happy is the worst representation of love.

“You can love my daughter, but if you love yourself and Perry and your kids, then you will do what is best.” Jed raised his hands in a prayer. “Please do what is best. I can’t bear to see my children suffer, including you.”

Kyan swallowed and wiped the tears from his cheeks. “Okay,” he said.

“But there’s no pressure,” Jed said, with damp eyes and a lopsided smile. “Perry would be so angry if he thought I pressured you.”

“I don’t feel pressured. I promise.”

“I just… needed to tell you that Perry isn’t a bad guy. He’s only doing what he was raised to do.”

After a few moments of silence, Kyan thanked Jed for his honesty, then stood and walked him to the door. He had never seen the man this emotional, not even when he gave Dayna away at the wedding. He watched him pull out of the driveway and wondered what the next step was.

“We want Perry.”

Kyan turned around to find all four kids standing in a row. They all wore warm winter plaid pajamas except Gracie, who had disrobed town to an old pair of Henry’s Tonka skivvies sometime between being tucked in and now.

“Hey, what are you guys doing out of bed? It’s kind of late. Maybe we can call him tomorrow.”

Noah shook his head. “No.”

The kids held hands. Ava grabbed Henry’s, Henry grabbed Noah’s, and Noah reached for Gracie’s, but she pulled it away. He scowled at her and whispered, “We have to hold hands.”

“I don’t wanna hold your hand!”

“Grandpa said we have to be ‘nited! Remember? Now hold my hand,” he demanded, gritting his teeth as he tried to grab her hand.

Gracie tucked both hands behind her back, then marched to the other side of the line and held Ava’s hand instead. Noah grumbled, then leveled his dad with a look that said there was no crossing this picket line. The kids had chosen their hill to die on.

“We’re not going to bed until Uncle Perry is here.”