Regret - 1. Chapter 1

Cal (Calvin) Prescott and (Willie) William Johansen met early in their freshman year at NYU. They had a couple of classes together, but beyond that they barely knew each other.They were courteous enough to nod at each other if they passed by in a hallway. Midway through the first semester of their freshman year all of that would change in a nanosecond. It was like an unexpected explosion. One evening, they ran into each other in a gay bar in Greenwich Village.

They recognized one another, but they didn’t even know their names. They shook hands cordially, and introduced themselves. It was a very unpromising beginning, but from the moment they shook hands, their worlds changed. They spent the whole night talking. Conversation never lagged. By the end of the evening, there was nothing they didn’t know about each other, including the exact moment they realized that they were gay.

The end of the evening came when the bartender kicked them out of the premises. They both had roommates, so they took a room at the Y, and made love all the rest of the night, and all the next day. They held back on nothing. Without reticence, they sucked, fucked, rimmed, and gave themselves golden showers (in a communal shower room). As far as each of them was concerned, they were bonded for life. What a foolish conceit they allowed themselves to believe. They were mature enough to know that nothing lasts forever.

They rented a furnished studio apartment not far from the university for their last three years of undergraduate school. They both wanted to be lawyers, and were accepted to Columbia Law School, so they kept the apartment until they graduated from there.

They both joined top rated law firms, and suddenly they were big wage earners. Still, they were not ostentatious. They rented a cozy one bedroom apartment in the east eighties, and began their lives together. Their good looks, talent, and client referrals helped accelerate the growth of their client bases. They could both smell partnerships coming soon.

They got married two years after graduating from law school. Their parents had finally accepted their relationship, and each set of parents loved their son-in-law, but they couldn’t bring themselves to attend a same sex wedding. Cal and Willie had a quiet ceremony in the courthouse they so often worked in, and then had lunch with the two friends who acted as their witnesses. They didn’t even have time to go on a honeymoon.

From the time they met, until after they graduated from law school, they made love almost every night, but little by little their euphoria seemed to wane. They still loved each other dearly, but they had very stressful jobs. Very often one of them came home in time for dinner, but the other worked late. It seemed that they each worked 24/7. As youthful as they were, most of the time they were too tired to make love. They gave each other a quick peck on their lips or cheeks, rolled over, and fell asleep.

After a while, they no longer made love. On the rare occasions when they coupled, they had sex, not love. Their rare sexual encounters became routine. They were in a terrible rut. They hardly realized that they were having less and less sex, and more and more nights of late work.

Finally, Cal began to have a glimmer of awareness as to what was happening to their marriage. He suggested that they take a weekend off, and go away somewhere. Willie agreed, but the only time they could arrange to be off at the same time was two months later. During those two months, they didn’t have sex once. They certainly didn’t make love either.

They went to Provincetown for a long Labor Day weekend, but their sex lives were not rekindled. During the entire short getaway, they both constantly received text messages from clients, bosses, and co-workers. They had sex almost every night of the weekend, but it was not love. It was the same old rut. They relieved themselves, but they did not give each other any joy.

They went on this way for nearly a full year after their trip to Provincetown, until finally, the dam burst. It was one of those rare evenings when they both came home at a decent hour. Willie suggested that they go out to dinner. He recommended a quiet, out of the way, restaurant, and Cal approved.

Immediately, after they were served their entrees, Willie said, “Cal it must be obvious to you that our marriage is in the sub-basement. I’ll bet a Catholic priest has more satisfying sex, than we do.”

“What are you saying?” Cal gasped.

“I’m saying that I want a divorce.”

Cal was speechless. “Please,” he said. “Don’t do this. We’ll work it out. I’ll take more time off so we can be together.”

“It’s too late,” Willie said. “I’ve met someone. We’ve been making love for a few months now. We make real love, Cal, and he more than makes me happy.”

When Cal heard that, he ran out of the restaurant. He went home, and got himself ready for bed. He opened the sleep sofa in the living room, and crept under the covers. He never said a word to Willie when he came home, but Willie was not through talking.

“I’m moving in with James as soon as I can,” he said. “You can keep the apartment or move. I don’t care what decision you make.”

******

Willie became aware of the decline in his marriage about the same time that Cal did. When Cal said he thought a weekend off would do them good, he was all for it. After the weekend, Willie realized that nothing was going to save their marriage, but he didn’t know what to do about it. Then James Carlyle came into his life.

James was five years younger than Willie. He was hired right out of Fordham Law, and his first assignment was to help Willie with his burdensome case load. The two men worked late together more often than not, and they became close friends. One evening, James said, “We can’t go on working long hours into the evening like this without having something to eat. Let’s grab a quick bite, before we tackle some of the cases.”

“That’s a good idea,” Willie said. “I’ve already told Cal that it’s going to be another very long night.”

After that, they got into the habit of having dinner together every time they worked late. They began to enjoy their leisure time together, more than the time they worked together. It was inevitable that sooner or later it was bound to happen.

Willie had no idea that James was gay. His gaydar failed him completely. His young assistant was madly in love with his mentor. One evening, after completing their work, or at least, quitting for the time being, James sat down on the sofa in Willie’s office. He patted the seat next to him, indicating that Willie should join him.

When Willie sat down, James inched a bit toward him, and their bodies touched. “We’re the only ones left in the office,” James said.

Willie had been around the block a few times and he knew when he was getting hit on.

“That’s what happens when you work as late as we do,” he said. He made his answer sound very bland.

James made the first move. “Willie,” he said, “I’ve got a confession to make. I’m madly in love with you. I know that it can never be, but I wanted you to know.”

Willie was stunned, and he wasn’t thinking when he asked, “Why do you think that it can never be?”

That did it. The two men turned toward each other. They embraced. Their mouths opened, and they began to kiss each other passionately. Before they knew what hit them, they were undressing each other. They were so worked up, they didn’t even check themselves out. What size? What girth? Cut? Uncut? Neither man gave a damn.

They turned into a sixty-nine position on the sofa, and began to make love. Willie knew that it was real love, not the farce his sex life with Cal had become. They brought each other off, not to a happy ending, but to a glorious ending. They kissed some more, sharing their cum.

“Next time, I’ll bring lubricant,” James said.

Willie was aware that James didn’t mention protection, but he could care less.

They had difficulty separating, but they were secure in the knowledge that this was only the first time. All the way home, Willie kept smiling. He couldn’t remember the last time that he and Cal had made love.

******

So, Willie and Cal went their separate ways. Willie, of course, had James to keep him happy, in and out of bed. With James’s help, he was able to work less hours, and that did a lot to cement their relationship. A year after his divorce from Cal was final, he and James tied the knot. They took a whole week off for a honeymoon.

Cal didn’t have it so easy. He was lonely and miserable, but he was no dummy. He knew he had to work less hours and have a social life. He had no trouble passing on some of his case load to a few of the newbies in the office. He wondered why he hadn’t done that before, and he wanted to kick himself in the ass. Wisely, he made the time to visit gay bars as often as he could on Friday and Saturday evenings. If a friend invited him to a social evening at his home, Cal always accepted. He missed Willie, and he wanted to rekindle what he and Willie once had together, even if it was with someone else.

Occasionally, he met someone at a bar or at a friend’s house, and he enjoyed a one night stand. He had lustful sex, but he wasn’t satisfied. He wanted to make love again, like the first night when he and Willie met.

About eighteen months after his divorce from Willie became final, Cal got a call from a good friend, Paul Overland.

“Listen,” Paul said. “An old college fuck buddy of mine, just got transferred to New York, and I’d like to introduce him around. I think that he wants to have sex with me like we did in college, but he’s barking up the wrong tree. I’m happily married and I don’t intend to compromise my happiness. That having been said, I’m sure you two guys would like each other. How about double dating with us Saturday night? I’ll set it up.”

As had become his habit, Cal never said no to a social evening. He wanted so desperately to meet the right guy, that he accepted immediately. He wanted to have high hopes about Paul’s buddy, but he couldn’t muster up any hope at all. That Saturday evening, he met Peter Duncan, and his hopes were renewed.

At dinner he learned that Peter (he hated to be called Pete) had recently been dumped by his partner of several years. It was his despondency that prompted him to request a transfer from his microchip company in Pittsburgh to their branch office in Manhattan. With that knowledge stored, Cal and Peter formed an immediate bond. They prattled away all evening, and their mutual friends, Paul and his husband, were delighted. At the end of the evening, Peter and Cal exchanged business cards.

They began to date, and by the third date they slept together. They more than slept together. They made love. It was intense and passionate. It was as wonderful as it had been at the beginning of both their former relationships.

When he moved from Pittsburgh, Peter rented a furnished efficiency apartment until he got settled in New York. He and Cal tried to take it slowly, and they did. After six months of spending as much quality time together as they could, and making love as often as their busy schedules allowed, Peter moved into Cal’s apartment, which he had once shared with Willie.

They loved each other deeply, but they had both learned a valuable lesson. Nothing lasts forever. They agreed to a partnership, but not to marriage.

In spite of their apparent happiness, both Cal and Willie missed each other desperately. They certainly couldn’t confide in their partners They had trouble admitting it to themselves. Each one of them wondered if it was possible to love two men, not only to love two men, but to love them equally.

******

Almost five years after Willie and Cal split, they and their partners ran into each other.

A new gay bar and restaurant had opened in the Village, and received rave reviews. Both couples decided to give the place a try. They made reservations for the same Saturday night. Fate was certainly wiggling her fickle finger that night. The two couples were seated at adjacent tables.

Cal and Peter were seated first, and when Willie and James arrived, Willie spotted Cal immediately. He didn’t think of it as being an awkward moment at all. Without any aforethought, he grabbed Cal and embraced him. They didn’t kiss on the lips, but they kissed their cheeks. Both their cheeks were wet. Peter and James were not upset. James had no idea who his husband was kissing, and Peter had no idea who his partner was kissing. Both assumed that it might be a long lost relative.

When the embrace seemed to last way too long, James and Peter smiled at each other, nodded, and proceeded to separate the divorced couple.

“Would you like to introduce us?” James asked, for them both.

Now it was Cal and Willie who turned red. Cal spoke first. “Peter,” he said,
I’d like you to meet my ex-husband, Willie.” He turned to Willie, and said, “Willie, Peter is my partner.” When he said that, he put an arm around Peter’s shoulder. It was his way of reassuring Peter that nothing had changed.

Finally, Willie got his tongue and introduced his husband to Cal and Peter. James was no longer smiling. He was damned uncomfortable. He took Willie by the hand, and led him back to their table. “Enjoy your meal, gentlemen,” he said to Cal and Peter.

For whatever reason, Peter felt less threatened. “Wait a minute, guys,” he said with a great big smile. “We’re all grown-ups here, and civilized, I hope. Why don’t the four of us have dinner together?”

Willie accepted immediately, and there was nothing James could do. He wished that someone would yell “fire” so he could run out of the restaurant.

As it turned out, nobody brought up the subject of Cal and Willie’s former relationship. Their conversation was light, and just idle chatter. Cal and Willie congratulated themselves for becoming senior partners in their firms. James relaxed considerably. At the end of the evening, the four men gave each other manly hugs, and went on their way.

The subject of getting together again was never broached.

******

Early Monday morning, Cal’s secretary buzzed him. “There’s a William Johansen on the line. He said that he was an old friend. If you don’t want to speak to him, I can tell him you’re out. I just told him I’d check to see if you were available.”

Cal was more than overwhelmed. He didn’t know what to say. After debating with himself for a moment, he said, “Yes, put him on.”

The first thing he heard Willie say was, “Thank you for not hanging up on me.”

“I’m long over the hurt you caused me. I’m happy Willie. I just wanted to hear what you had to say.”

“I miss you, Cal,” Willie said.

It sounded to Cal that there was a sob in Willie’s voice. “I’ve missed you a lot also,” Cal said. “I think of you often.”

“Please, Cal. Our offices are close by each other. Meet me for lunch. We have so much to catch up on.”

“I don’t think that’s a good idea. It took me a long time to get over you, Willie, and I’m afraid of seeing you without Peter around.

“Peter and James need never know. I just wanted to catch up, and tell you how sorry I am at the way it ended.”

Cal relented. “Okay,” he said. “just this once. I don’t want to make a habit of having lunch with you.”

“Thanks. Meet me at Freddy’s on Columbus Avenue. At noon.”

“What about James? He works in your office, doesn’t he?”

“He’s out of town for the week on business. He won’t know.”

“I don’t like the sound of that,” Cal said. “It sounds so conspiratorial.”

“No it isn’t. Please just think of it as two old friends having lunch together.”

Finally, Cal agreed to their luncheon date, but it was with great fear and trepidation.

When they met in the lobby of the restaurant, they didn’t even shake hands. Cal was determined to be as aloof as he possibly could. They were taken to their table. It was set for four, and Willie began to sit at Cal’s right.

“No,” Cal said. He gave Willie an evil look, and Willie sat facing his ex.

“What do you want to catch up on?” Cal asked icily.

“Tell me about you and Peter. You already know about James and me.”

Cal wanted to let Willie know how much he had been hurt, so he said, “After we split I was a basket case. I was hurt and miserable, but as time passed, I began to accept my situation. It was difficult for me to do, but I went to the bars, and to social events, hoping to meet someone else. I hoped it would be someone who could help me forget you. I met Peter about a year and a half after we divorced. It was a blind date, and he did make me forget you a little bit. I learned to love him. I love him at least as much as I once loved you.”

There was silence for a moment, and Willie began to cry. “I am so sorry,” he murmured.

“Why are you sorry? Don’t you love James? You told me that you did.”

“Of course, I love him, but not nearly in the way I loved you, the way I still do. I miss you so much, Cal. I especially miss making love to you.”

“I think I better get out of here,” Cal said, and he stood up. “Order for one,” he suggested as he started to leave.

Willie grabbed his arm. “Please don’t leave,” he implored Cal. I told you James is out of town. Come home with me, and give me this one last time. Then I promise to get out of your life.”

Cal may have been acting cold, but he wanted this as badly as Willie did. He took out his phone, and called his secretary.

“The gentleman I’m having lunch with, Mr. Johansen, is a lawyer. He has a client who is interested in buying the business of one of my clients. We’re discussing terms, and I may not be back today.”

After he hung up. Willie made a similar call.

“I’ll drive,” he said. He took Cal’s hand and off they went. They never did order lunch.

******

They made love that afternoon with all the passion they had exhibited on the night they met. Nothing was out of bounds, just as it had been that fateful night. They rimmed, fucked, sucked, took golden showers together, and finally fell into an exhausted heap on Willie’s bed. They held each other tightly, making sure that their cocks smashed together Lost in passion, Cal was surprised to hear Willie sobbing.

“What’s wrong?” Cal asked.

“We are. I love you without reservation, Cal, but I love James just as much. What are we to do?”

“I’ll tell you what we’re not going to do. We’re not going to do this again. It’s wrong, and I don’t want to be the one to break up a beautiful marriage.”

“I know you’re right, but do you think we might see each other once in a while? Maybe, have lunch together?”

“That’s too dangerous,” Cal said. “I wouldn’t be able to resist you.”

They both cried all the way back to where Cal had left his car. Willie kept saying over and over, “I’m so sorry!”

Neither one could keep his promise. They began to see each other on the sly as often as they could. They made love just as they had when they first met. Cal was even prompted to say, “We make better lovers, than we made husbands.”

Their trysts became so routine that they began to think that they could get away with it forever. As has been aptly stressed several times in this narrative, they should have known that nothing lasts forever. Once again, it escaped their attention. Passion removed their ability to be rational.

******

One day, in the second year of their affair, Cal came home to find Peter there already.

“You’re home early,” Cal remarked.

“Yes,” Peter said, “I took some time off. We need to talk.”

Cal shuddered. “Talk about what?” he asked innocently.

“About us.”

“What about us?”

“Maybe it would be more accurate to say, about you and Willie.” Peter actually smiled when he said that.

Cal slumped in his chair. “You know about us. How did you find out?” he asked.

“I’ve known since the beginning. When we met James and Willie in the restaurant, I didn’t like the way you and Willie interacted. I wanted you to forget Willie and remember me, only me. Well, that Monday, I took a day off, and called your office to ask you if you could get away early, so that we could have a long unhurried love making session. Your secretary told me that you had a business meeting with Mr. Johansen. She asked if I knew him, because he told her he was an old friend.”

Cal was sobbing now. Peter was tempted to put his arms around his partner and comfort him, but he did no such thing. He continued.

“I knew what was up, but I didn’t say anything. I thought that if I confronted you, you might hate me. I hoped your little interlude would get Willie out of your system, and that the same would be true for him. After that, I’m ashamed to say, I spied on you. I called your office often, and waited until your secretary told me if you were in or not. If you were in I said that I just got another call, and I hung up. If you were out, she always said the same thing, “Sorry, Mr. Duncan, he’s out with your friend, Mr. Johansen. It didn’t take an Einstein to figure out what was going on.”

“What should I do, Peter? I love you, but I can’t stop loving Willie.”

“I can’t tell you what to do. It’s all up to you. I just wanted to advise you to think long and hard about it. I’m taking a few days off. I’m going back to Pittsburgh to visit my folks. They’re getting on in years. I should visit them more often.”

Cal couldn’t talk. He just kept crying.

“My bags are packed,” Peter said. “Will you drive me to the airport after dinner.”

Cal just nodded. He was afraid to talk.

******

When the car service dropped Peter off at his parents’ house, the first thing his dad asked was, “Where’s Cal?”

He couldn’t get away. Too much work. I wanted to see you guys so I came alone. It’s very late, and I’m really tired. I’d like to turn in now. We’ll catch up in the morning.”

Peter cried himself to sleep. When he woke up, it was very early. In fact, it was before dawn, but he distinctly smelled coffee brewing. He needed a cup badly, so he threw on a robe and went into the kitchen. His dad was there in a bathrobe also.

“Did you make enough for two?” Peter asked.

“I made twelve cups” John said. “Sit down at the table, and then tell me what’s going on. You look like you were hit by a truck.”

“Nothing is really going on, Pop. Cal and I are going through a rough patch, and we felt that a few days apart would help clear the air.”

“I see,” John said., and said nothing more. They sipped their coffee in silence. Finally John could stand it no longer.

“Listen, son,” he said. “When you told me that you and Cal were going to be living together, do you remember what I said? I told you that as much as I was disappointed that you weren’t straight, neither you nor I could change who you were. I said that I loved you, and all I wanted was for you to be happy. I asked you if Cal made you happy, and you swore to me that he did. If that’s true, what are you doing here? Why aren’t you home fighting for him? Get your ass back to New York ASAP.”

John seemed to be finished, so Peter spoke. “You’re the wisest man I know, Dad. I will go home and fight for Cal, but I’ll go tomorrow. I want to spend today with you and mom.”

They sat around the living room talking all morning, and John informed his son that as much as he was enjoying his retirement, he didn’t want to spend another bitter cold winter in Pittsburgh. He revealed that they were selling their home and moving to a condo in Delray Beach, Florida. “Our apartment is in a beautiful retirement community,” he said, “with lots of amenities.”

Peter jumped up and hugged his father and mother. “I’m so happy for you,” he said. Then he started to laugh. “Now I know where I can visit in the winter to get away from the snow in New York.”

“Tell Peter all about the place, and show him pictures,” Phyllis said. “I’m going to start lunch.”

Peter was in the middle of viewing pictures of the community, when the doorbell rang.

“I wonder who that can be?”John mumbled, as he went to open the door.

Cal was standing at the door looking as miserable as he felt. John was very surprised, but he was able to say, “Come in Cal. You look worse than Peter.” John discreetly went into the kitchen and joined his wife, leaving his sons alone.

Cal jumped on Peter The two men hugged and kissed. Before Peter could ask any questions, Cal said, “One night! One night was all it took without you to make me realize what a fool I’ve been. I never want to spend another night alone. I couldn’t get through it without you. I love you so much. Please forgive my stupidity. I swear that my obsession with Willie is over. I realized last night that I didn’t love him anymore. I was just trying to recapture something that no longer existed. I was too dumb to see that I had it already. I, no, we had it. Please darling, I beg you to forgive me.”

“I can forgive you Cal, but how can I ever trust you again?”

“By marrying me. We can get married right here in Pittsburgh. My folks wouldn’t come to my first wedding. Do you think your parents would come to ours?”

“With bells on,” John said. He beamed as he came into the room. He and Phyllis had been listening to every word.

“I’ll ask my brother to be my best man,” Peter said.

“Cal looked at John. “In that case,” he said, “will you be my best man, John?”

John Duncan started to bawl like a baby. Then he began to laugh. “I thought only gays cried at the drop of a hat, but look at me.”

This time, Cal knew it was going to be different. There was family at the wedding, Peter’s parents, an aunt and uncle, his brother and his wife, and their two little boys. Peter even invited a few old friends from his high school days. They were married in Phyllis and John’s living room by a judge, but this time the judge was an old family friend.

Yes, there was no doubt in Cal’s mind. This marriage was going to be different. This time his wedding was being celebrated.