After We Danced - 4. Chapter 4

‘Just leave them alone, they’re both still asleep,’ I heard him say to Hoss just outside the tent, then I heard them both walk away, their feet scrunching on the gravel road outside.

After breathing a huge sigh of relief, yet with my head and my guts feeling like they were currently spinning out of control, I leaned over and shook the sleeping figure of my partner by the shoulder, who slowly came to life.

It felt like my whole world was gradually falling apart, with one by one everybody I knew managing to find out about us. Who would be the next to discover our little secret, I wondered?

When Matt was fully awake I broke the news to him as best I could, my voice trembling with emotion as I thought I was about to burst into tears. He was really quiet for a long time, then he surprised me by simply giving me a hug, before then asking if I was okay with anyone else knowing?

‘No, I’m not fucking okay with it. How many times do I need to tell you that?’ I blurted back at him.

‘I know how you feel, but what can we do about it now?’ he asked.

‘Make sure he doesn’t repeat it to anyone.’

‘And how do we do that?’ he asked. ‘Cut out his tongue? Push him off a cliff?’

He was starting to get a little agitated with me, but believe me, it was nothing compared to the way I was feeling.

His last comment did manage to quiet me down a little, however.

‘Look,’ he said to me, taking both of my hands in his and sitting up straight in front of me. ‘I know how you feel. I’ll go and talk to him now for you. I’ll plead with him for you and ask him not to say anything to anyone about what he saw.’

‘You don’t care that he knows, do you?’

‘About me? No, I don’t. About you? I care heaps. But after what he said last night, I’m sure he’ll understand. Just trust me, please. Okay?’

‘Okay,’ I said, nodding, although still not entirely convinced that everything would be quite all right.

Matt stood up and quickly pulled on some clothes, then went straight outside to try and find DJ. I stayed where I was, still trembling and feeling sick to my stomach, fearing the worst but hoping and praying that Matt would be able to work it all out for me.

Eventually I managed to pull myself together and got dressed, then ventured outside to face the world and all its dangers.

I looked around me, trying to find where everyone was and eventually noticed Matt and DJ sitting at a picnic table in the shade of a tree. Thankfully, there was no sign of Hoss anywhere.

I stood and watched them for a few minutes, unsure if I should venture over or not. Eventually Matt looked up and noticed me watching them, then waved for me to come over.

‘Fuck! Now what?’ I thought to myself. I stood there for a moment longer and he waved at me again, so reluctantly I unglued my feet from the spot they were fixed to and walked towards them.

I sat down beside Matt, desperately wanting him to hold me and tell me that everything was going to be all right, but at the same time knowing that I would totally freak out if he did that.

‘You really don’t have to worry, Luke,’ DJ said, seeing my obvious discomfort at the situation. ‘Your secret is safe with me.’

‘That’s what everyone keeps telling me. But for how long?’ I asked.

‘For as long as needed,’ he answered.

He reached across the table and placed a hand on mine, and instinctively I drew it back.

‘Just relax a little, mate,’ Matt said to me, while patting me on the leg under the table. ‘You don’t have to be so jumpy. Don’t you get it? Didn’t you hear him last night? He’s one of us.’

I looked from Matt to DJ and back again.

‘Bullshit,’ I said.

‘It’s not bullshit,’ DJ said. ‘I’m being fair dinkum.’

‘And Hoss?’ I asked.

He just shook his head. After a moment’s pause, he added, ‘We got together once, a long time ago, but he’s not interested anymore. It’s not from my lack of trying though.’

‘Where is he now?’ I asked.

‘In the shower block.’

‘And you haven’t said anything to him?’

He shook his head.

At this point Matt piped up and said that he and DJ had been totally open with each other and had promised never to mention it to anyone ever again.

‘And you’ve told him everything?’

‘Yes.’

‘Including the fact that I’m not okay with coming out?’

‘Yes.’

I looked across at DJ and he nodded. ‘It’d kill me if everyone found about me too, Luke. We understand each other, don’t we? It’s all just between us?’

I nodded. ‘Yeah, just between us.’

At that time a rather refreshed and clean looking Hoss came wandering over and sat down with us.

‘What’s happening guys?’ he asked.

‘Nothing much,’ Matt said. ‘We’ve just been thinking about breakfast.’

‘Great idea,’ he said. ‘Where do we go for that?’

‘There are some top little places down on the boardwalk beside the lake,’ Matt answered. ‘I’m pretty sure they would be doing breakfast.’

‘Great,’ he said. ‘I’m starved.’

‘Has anyone seen the others yet?’ Matt asked.

‘Not yet, but I reckon we should go and wake them up,’ I answered.

 

*     *     *

 

DJ and Hoss left shortly after lunchtime, heading back to the Gold Coast for the remainder of their stay there. They urged us to come with them, but we told them that we were heading home in the next day or so anyway.

Shortly after we waved them off, the four of us that were left grabbed our towels and headed for the beach for an afternoon of sunbathing, swimming and relaxation.

DJ’s revelation of that morning had shocked me, and I had spent most of the rest of the morning looking at him in an entirely different light. I really hoped that he would keep up his end of the bargain, but deep down I had to admit that it still worried the hell out of me. After all, it would only take one small slip of the tongue and the news would spread all over the town like wildfire, I was sure.

The four of us ended up having a great afternoon, and as we all had so much in common we were just so relaxed and comfortable in each other’s company. There was no having to hide our feelings. There was no having to watch what we were saying or doing. There was nothing to do but just be ourselves. And I have to admit that it was wonderful.

There were only a few people on the beach throughout the afternoon, so we basically had it to ourselves.

In between diving into the ocean for a swim, or taking walks along the beach, or one pair or the other wandering off into the bushes together, we talked a great deal and found out quite a lot about each other. Not surprisingly, we all had more in common than we first thought, and the more we talked the more comfortable we were becoming with each other.

I asked them if they had come out yet.

‘Let’s just say it’s complicated,’ Guy said, adding that just a few close friends either knew or suspected they might be an item, but they were too afraid to fully come out just yet, which made me feel a whole lot better. I had worried that it might have just been me that was being paranoid, but when they both confirmed that they held exactly the same fears and concerns as I had that put my mind more at ease.

None of their parents knew about them, and apart from one friend none of their other friends knew about them either, and that was how they wanted it to stay, at least until they started university and moved away.

‘I can relate to that,’ I said.

‘But . . . don’t you feel like you’re living a lie?’ Matt asked them during one of our many serious discussions on the subject.

‘Aren’t you doing the same thing?’ they both answered.

‘Not any more,’ he said to them, referring to his having said that he wasn’t going to go out of his way to hide his sexuality from anyone any more.

‘Just because you’ve made the decision not to lie or deceive any more, that doesn’t mean that you’ve actually come out and told anyone that you’re gay now, does it?’ Tim asked. ‘I mean who else in your life, except us and Luke here, knows that you are actually gay?’

‘Only my cousin Phil back home, and DJ,’ he answered.

‘DJ? Shit, is he?’ asked Tim.

‘Phil?’ I asked.

Matt nodded, looking directly at me as he did so, with an expression on his face that I found difficult to read. I don’t know if it was guilt or shame, or a combination of both. But it did start me wondering again.

‘And no one else?’ Guy asked.

Matt just shook his head.

‘Have your parents ever asked you if you were gay and you’ve totally lied to them?’ Tim asked.

‘Yes,’ he answered.

‘Ha. So you’re just as closeted as we are then?’ Guy shrieked triumphantly, slapping Matt on the back.

‘Come on, give him a break guys,’ I butted in. ‘If it wasn’t for Matt and the fact that he can think straight in a crisis I’d be a nervous wreck right now.’

They turned their heads in my direction, with raised eyebrows, so I proceeded to tell them what had happened this morning.

‘Christ,’ Tim said. ‘And we missed it.’

‘Yup. You were probably too busy humping each other about then,’ I added. Guy blushed a deep scarlet red. Bullseye, I thought.

Later that night as Matt and I lay in bed, wrapped around each other, I asked him about DJ.

‘You already knew about him didn’t you? You knew that he could be trusted, that he wouldn’t go running to Hoss and tell him?’

‘Yes, yes and yes,’ he answered, kissing me on the forehead in between each yes.

‘How?’

‘How do you think?’

I thought about it for a second, then asked, ‘When?’

‘Years ago. When we were in about Year Nine at School. There’s nothing for you to worry about. It’s you I’m in love with now,’ he said, kissing me again.

I tried to think back to that time. We were all friends back then too, but I couldn’t ever remember them being that close.

‘How did it happen?’ I asked.

‘It’s past history. Don’t worry about it.’

‘I’m not worried. Just curious really. And maybe a little jealous that I’ve been missing out.’

‘That’d be right,’ he teased.

‘So how did it happen?’

‘Well, if you must know, I spotted him perving on me in the showers at school one day and noticed he had a hard-on,’ he started.

I felt myself stirring at the thought of this, remembering how many times I had watched both of them in the showers through all of our years at school, while trying to make sure that neither of them saw me.

‘I remember giving myself a little rub while he was watching, and I got hard too. His eyes just about jumped out of his head. Anyway, after that someone else came into the showers so we had to get out. We watched each other as were drying ourselves off and getting dressed out in the change rooms, then as I was leaving he asked me if I wanted to call around to his place that afternoon.’

‘So you said yes?’

‘No, I didn’t. It wasn’t until the next sports afternoon a week later, when the same thing happened that I got the guts up to go around to his place. We fooled around a bit, sucked each other off, but that was about all. I went there a couple of times after that. But that was it. End of story.’

‘So, I didn’t miss out on too much after all, then,’ I said.

‘No, not really, but come here and let’s make up for the bit that you did miss out on.’

‘What about Phil?’ I asked.

‘I’ll tell you some other time,’ he said, then he covered my mouth with his.

 

*     *     *

 

We all spent another week in Thompsonville and learnt all about the area, its past and its features. Not to mention learning a good deal more about ourselves.

Our friendship with Tim and Guy grew stronger with each passing day, although there was one scary moment when Tim leant up against Matt’s car and put a small scratch on the mud guard. Matt looked like he was going to explode for a minute, but he chilled out quickly, then spent half the afternoon washing and polishing the car again taking particular care in trying to polish out the scratch, which was only very minor anyway.

We all thought it was just so funny, but Matt couldn’t see the funny side of it. I tried to explain to our friends just what sort of relationship Matt had with his pride and joy, but hey, when you think about it that’s not real easy to do!

Tim and Guy moved out of the caravan on the Sunday night after DJ and Hoss had left and into our tent. We had to move a few things out and pack them back into the car, but as it was a fair-sized tent anyway we all managed to fit into it all right.

I have to say that the nights proved rather interesting though, but that’s probably best saved for another story.

For the rest of the week we played tourist and visited all the interesting places we could find.

On the Monday we decided that we should check out the lighthouse and see what the views were like from up there, which proved spectacular, before that afternoon catching a movie. It was a nice relaxing day. We even found the local Tourist Information Centre and also learned about some of the other sights around the town that we could visit, and that helped plan the rest of the week for us.

Tuesday was spent driving up through the mountains and visiting the Thompson River National Park. We took a long leisurely walk through the rainforest, then enjoyed a picnic in a clearing by the river whilst surrounded by beautiful parrots and not so beautiful wallabies, after which we swam naked in a crystal-clear rock pool.

Wednesday was spent exploring along the coast to the south of the town, where we found some quaint little villages and even this great nudist beach tucked away in a quiet little cove. There was absolutely no one around that day and we had a blast.

On Thursday we went for another drive through the mountains and found some cute little art and craft studios, where we bought a few more presents for our families.

In our spare time we tried fishing off both the breakwall and the boardwalk, as we had seen locals doing, but I have to admit that our efforts proved rather unsuccessful. Then when had nothing else to do we went to the movies or visited the local bowling club or pub.

Unfortunately, the week went by just far too quickly and before we knew it, it was Friday, almost time to pack up and head home.

We had all grown to love our little hideaway. It was like our own little slice of heaven, which hardly anyone else seemed to know about. On our last night in town we went back to our favourite Chinese restaurant while feasting on the house specialty we made ourselves a promise that we would all try to meet here again for a holiday every year.

 

*     *     *

 

We finally waved farewell to our new friends about an hour’s drive south of Thompsonville, at the place where the highway that would take us home turned off.

As we were all basically heading in the same direction, south, they had travelled with us until we had to leave the main Pacific Highway and head up into the mountains, so we all pulled up at a roadside diner for our last meal together until next year.

‘See you next year,’ they both said to us as we said our goodbyes.

‘Not if we see don’t you first,’ Matt and I answered simultaneously.

Minutes later they were gone, after hugs all around, then we watched them as they pulled back out onto the Pacific Highway and waved to them until they had disappeared from view.

The trip home was, at first, a rather steady and subdued one, as I think both Matt and I realised just how much we were going to miss our new friends. Our friendship with them had really opened our own eyes, not only to what our own relationship was like but also to what it was yet to be. Tim and Guy were more like us than we could have imagined when we first met them, so parting now, after just getting to know them hadn’t been easy.

We talked about a lot of things as we made our way back up the mountains; our friends, our lives and our futures, being the main topics of conversation. Change was coming, for both of us, and I couldn’t help but think that there was a certain destiny about what we were saying and about what direction our own lives were about to take.

My only misgiving was this innate fear of mine that I didn’t want anyone to know about the real me – at least not just yet. This was the albatross that weighed heavily around my neck, or more precisely, weighed heavily around the neck of the future relationship that Matt and I desired. I knew that if I couldn’t overcome this fear we would have no future. Plain and simple.

As we climbed the mountain I reached across the seat and took Matt’s hand. He looked across and smiled at me flashing those perfect teeth, his eyes sparkling as they always did.

‘It’s been great, hasn’t it?’ he asked me.

‘It sure has,’ I answered.

‘I know this might sound a bit premature, but have you given any though as to what is going to happen once we get home?’ he asked.

I dodged the question, sort of, and told him that he would have to drop me home at my place.

‘That’s not quite what I meant,’ he responded.

I knew that it would come to this eventually. I would have to decide what I was going to do.

‘I know.’

He squeezed my hand and looked at me.

Surely he must know what I’m going through, I thought.

We came to a rest area and lookout that had been carved into the mountain about half way up, overlooking an amazing valley, through which a deep river snaked its way toward the sea. Matt pulled the car over and stopped.

As we sat there and looked back out over the panorama before us, I simply said to him, ‘I just need time.’

‘I know.’

‘Promise me you won’t pressure me into anything? These past two weeks I’ve learned that I love you more than I had ever dreamed possible, but no matter how much I want to, I just can’t bring myself to come out and say those other three words just yet.’

‘You’ve already said the “I love you” words, they are the only ones I want to hear from you. The other words are the ones that the rest of the world wants to hear, but as far as I am concerned the rest of the world can wait until you are good and ready.’

‘You promise?’ I asked.

‘Yeah, babe. I promise.’

He leant across and kissed me, then we just sat there holding hands and taking in the magnificent views for a little while longer, listening to the mountain birds singing their songs.

Eventually we had to get going again, or it would end up being too late when we got home, so after a quick visit to the rest rooms we continued our journey back up the mountain.

The rest of the trip just flew by and it was just on dark when we drove back into our home town. We had only been away for two weeks, but the whole town seemed so much smaller to us now. I guess that’s one of the tricks the world plays on you as you grow up and start to leave your childhood behind, everything becomes so much smaller because you find out that the world is just so big.

As my house was closer, Matt dropped me off first, coming inside to say ‘Hi’ to my family.

I told him that I would call around tomorrow and pick up all my gear and arranged to borrow mum’s car to do so. That wasn’t a problem with mum, which I was relieved about as it gave me a legitimate excuse to call around and see him.

After a cup of coffee and some cake, and us having to give a – slightly fudged – blow by blow account of our trip, Matt headed off home and I returned to my old life. As I waved goodbye to him I wondered what I could do to make this life as interesting as the one that I had spent the past two weeks living, and while the answer was blatantly obvious, I still believed that I would never have the guts to do it.

 

*     *     *

 

When I woke the following morning I was informed by my parents that we would all be going out to dinner tomorrow night as a somewhat belated birthday celebration. Despite my protests they insisted, and told me to let Matt and anyone else who I might want to come along, know.

Reluctantly I agreed and told them I needed to go around to Matt’s place to help unpack the car and pick up the rest of my stuff, so I would let him know then.

When I arrived at his house a short while later I was greeted with warm hugs and handshakes from his parents.

Matt and I promised to fill them in on the trip once we had unpacked the car, and after we had done this we sat down with his parents and a pot of coffee and once again went over our trip. Just like we had the night before at my house, we had to gloss over a few things, swap a few days around and generally fudge a lot of the part about the week and a bit we spent in Thompsonville, but we managed. It was quite amazing how straight we actually managed to get the whole story.

After we had finished, Matt’s father excused himself, saying it was, ‘Good to have us all home in one piece and all that,’ but it was a Sunday and he had jobs to do. He disappeared down the hall, and excusing herself also for a moment his wife followed him, leaving Matt and me alone in the kitchen.

It was here that the one slip up we had always dreaded occurred. It was so innocent, so simple, yet the impact that it would have on our lives would be so great.

With his parents out of the room, Matt reached across and placed his hand on mine, squeezing it gently.

‘Piece of cake,’ he whispered.

I said nothing, but instinctively I drew my hand back, and just as I did this I looked up at the doorway through which his parents had left. Standing there, with a quizzical expression on her face was Matt’s mother, not quite knowing what it was she had just witnessed but at the same time knowing it wasn’t quite right.

Matt’s hand dropped back down onto his lap, and we both must have blushed something shocking. I could feel the heat in my own cheeks but dared not look at Matt.

I got up and thanked her for the coffee and excused myself, glanced across at Matt, whose mouth was wide open, and headed straight out the back door and down the steps, almost at a run.

Matt looked from his mother to me and back again as I had stood up, torn between who he should go to first, but as I reached his flat in the backyard I heard his footsteps behind me.

‘She saw us,’ I cursed at him.

‘So what?’ he asked.

‘What do you mean, so what? She saw us. Do you need it spelt out to you any plainer than that?’

I was pacing up and down like a caged animal trying to get out, only the cage I was in had no bars, just the invisible threads that held our society together, which were stronger than any bars.

‘I can’t deal with this. I’ve got to go,’ I said to Matt and I jumped in my car and drove off. I noticed his mother standing on the back verandah of their house watching us as I drove out of their yard, but I couldn’t bring myself to wave.

 

*     *     *

 

Matt tried three times to call me that night, but I just couldn’t take the phone when I was told who it was. I just felt so sick in the stomach.

‘Did you guys have a fight or something?’ mum asked me, to which I just shook my head.

The next morning he tried three times as well, and on the third call I had the phone physically thrust into my hand by my mother.

‘Talk to him,’ she said.

Raising the phone to my ear, I said ‘Hello,’ then listened as Matt told me how sorry he was for letting that happen.

He sounded like he was crying, he was saying that it was just an accident, saying that he was sorry, over and over again.

‘Calm down,’ I eventually said to him. ‘You’re babbling.’

‘Please come around,’ he asked, then he disconnected.

I pulled up at Matt’s house a couple of hours later after thinking the whole thing over, and found him outside his flat wearing nothing but his favourite pair of football shorts as he washed his precious car. Sometimes I thought that he paid more attention to that bloody machine than to anything else, but right now I was paying all my attention to him, with his hard and wet body glistening in the afternoon sun.

I asked myself how could I possibly be mad at this god for very long?

‘What’s up?’ I asked as I leant against the wall of his flat. After yesterday, I had kind of had this feeling that I knew where this whole thing was heading. I also knew that I still didn’t want to go there, not yet anyway, but I would have to at least hear him out.

He kept polishing for a moment then stood up and looked at me, stretching his arms above his head as he did so. No doubt he was trying to iron the kinks out of his aching back muscles, but all he succeeded in doing was displaying his muscles and glorious body and managing to get my heart racing at the thought of him standing there in front of me.

‘Can we go inside and talk?’ he asked.

‘Why inside?’ I asked.

He nodded towards his parents’ house and I looked up to see his mother standing on the back verandah of the house leaning against a post and looking intensely in our direction.

I shrugged my shoulders then followed him inside, shutting the door behind us.

Matt motioned for me to sit down, which I did, then he proceeded to pour us some drinks. When he eventually sat down opposite me, I looked up at his face and noted the worry etched into his normally beautiful features.

He took a deep breath, then for the next fifteen minutes he poured his heart out to me.

‘I just couldn’t stand it any longer,’ he started, and I immediately knew what was coming.

‘Couldn’t what?’ I asked.

He looked at me with those beautiful, big, puppy-brown eyes that I loved so much. They were telling me everything I needed to know without his needing to say another word.

‘After yesterday, I got quizzed all of last night, so I told them,’ he said quietly, almost in a whisper.

I stayed silent, my hands wrapped tightly around the glass of Coca Cola that he had placed in front of me, my eyes just staring into the cold, dark liquid, watching bubbles and ice float idly around. Inside my mind there were a million thoughts racing around simultaneously. I thought that in the last twenty-four hours I had almost prepared myself for this moment, but how wrong I was. It felt like my head was going to explode.

‘Aren’t you going to say something?’ he asked.

I just couldn’t, I shook my head, so he continued.

‘After mum seeing us yesterday, they asked me last night at dinner, straight out, if I was gay. I couldn’t believe it. I guess that from that one touch they managed to figure it all out for themselves. I wanted to say I wasn’t gay. Please believe me, I really did, because I knew how you felt and I didn’t want to get you involved or hurt you in any way, even though you obviously were already involved. But when I tried to say it, I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. I’m just so sorry.’

He reached across the table and tried to take my hand. Quickly, I pulled back from him.

‘Please don’t do this,’ he cried.

‘What else did you tell them?’ I demanded.

‘Eventually, I told them everything. Mum was okay, I think. She had probably had a bit more time to think about it, but dad ranted and raved for hours.’

I just couldn’t believe what my ears were hearing. The one person in the whole world who I truly loved, and who I thought truly loved me, had now betrayed me.

‘You knew how I felt,’ I said forcefully. ‘How could you? You promised me?’

There was a long silence, which just seemed to go on forever.

‘I couldn’t go on living like this, Luke,’ he finally said. ‘This having to watch everything that I do, everything that I say. Not being able to even hold the hand of the person I love. This living a lie. The whole deal. I just couldn’t do it any more.’

‘And what about me?’ I asked. ‘You said I could come out in my own way, my own time, when I was ready. You said that to me, on our trip together, don’t you remember? You promised me.’

I slammed my fist down hard on the table and Matt jumped, startled by my action.

‘Yes, I remember,’ he said, nodding, fighting back tears.

‘And?’

‘Look, I love you Luke, but we can’t go on like this. If we are to have any chance together, we have to be open and honest. To ourselves. To our families. And to the world.’

‘How can there ever be a we if we don’t even respect each other’s wishes?’ I demanded, and with that I got up and left him, slamming the door behind me and leaving him sitting there at his table, crying.

 

*     *     *

 

I just had to get away from Matt, if only for a little while, to think things through.

The word WE. WE. WE. That just kept echoing though my mind.

As I drove back through town all I could hear were his words ringing in my ears: ‘I love you, Luke, but we can’t go on like this. If we are to have any chance together, we have to be open and honest. To ourselves. To our families. And to the world.’

‘Fuck it!’ I said, slamming my hands down on the steering wheel. ‘Who is he to preach to me about being open and honest?’ I said to anyone who may have been able to hear me. Which at that point was exactly no one as I was the only person in the car.

A month ago I had held him to me as he cried and shook in my arms, scared out of his wits that our classmates at school might find out about him. Today he is lecturing me about openness and honesty.

That was a laugh.

I was confused, but I was scared too, and for exactly the same reasons that he had been back then. I felt sure that the embarrassment that my, or should I say, our, coming out to the world would cause, not only for ourselves but also for our families, and that it would be too much for all of us to bear.

I knew I was gay. Hell, I had known it since I was about twelve years old, but to actually tell that to my family and friends, well that was something else.

Matt said that he had told his parents last night and things hadn’t gone all that well. They now knew about him, and I suppose if that was what he wanted then so be it.

But they now also knew about me, and to tell them that when he knew how I felt, knowing full well that I wasn’t ready to do this, well that was something else altogether.

I wasn’t really concentrating on my driving and didn’t realise exactly where I was, but when I came to the traffic lights in the middle of town and saw the park up ahead I decided that it was as good as place as any to get out and try to clear my head.

I had this strange feeling of deja vu, but I certainly wouldn’t be parking anywhere near the toilets though!

There was hardly anyone about, so I pulled up on the street, got out and locked the car. I crossed the road and headed for the nearest bench, where I just sat down in the afternoon sunshine, put my head back, shut my eyes and listened to the birds in the trees.

I was past wanting to cry. I just wanted some quiet time to think. It was peaceful and restful here in the park, and in the few minutes that I sat there, just breathing in and out I had calmed back down again.

Around me there was little happening. There was a young couple sitting on a blanket in the sunshine, the girl sitting with her legs outstretched, propping herself up with one arm while the other hand stroked her boyfriend’s head, which was in her lap.

I had this thought of Matt and I doing that out in public, and it sent a shiver down my spine.

There were also a few other people around. A group of teenage boys, no more than fourteen or fifteen years old I guess, were on the far side of the park sitting around a table. I’m not sure what they were doing or what they were saying, but they were making a bit of noise. Obviously having a bit of fun.

And there was also an old guy walking his dog, a stumpy-legged looking mutt of no distinct breed, and a couple of people just sitting on benches looking around, just like I was.

After a little while the man and his dog and the young couple moved on, while the teenagers went somewhere else, although I’m not too sure where, as I could still hear them.

I decided that I needed a piss, so got up and headed towards the toilets. I could see that I was being watched by the couple of single guys that were sitting around the park.

‘Who knows, I might even get lucky,’ I said to myself quietly, although I wasn’t sure if that would take my mind off Matt and my little predicament though.

When I went inside I found the place empty, so I went straight to the urinal to relieve myself. From where I stood, I could see out into the park, through an open window above the urinal, and I noticed one of the guys that had been sitting alone got up and started walking towards the toilets. He looked like he was a few years older than I was, early to mid-twenties at a guess and rather cute, all things considered. Blonde hair. Tanned. Muscular.

I was nervous and started shaking slightly, but I continued to watch as he came my way. Then I heard his feet on the gravel outside and the next thing I knew he was standing beside me.

My head was down, pretending to study where my stream was being directed, but I managed to glance sideways at him.

He was gently stroking himself and looking at me.

‘How’s it going?’ he asked quietly.

‘F–f–fine,’ I answered, trying to keep my head down and not look directly at him, but fighting a losing battle. I looked across at him I saw that he had a huge erection and was giving it a good pull. I guess my mouth must have dropped open as he was so big, and also uncut.

Slowly, he reached over and placed his hand on my penis and started stroking me. It felt warm and comforting, and even as nervous as I was I didn’t want him to let go of me.

‘Do you come here often?’ I heard him ask me, almost in a whisper.

My mouth was just so dry. I tried to say something, but couldn’t. Instead I just shook my head.

From the gentle rubbing that he was giving me it didn’t take very long for me to become aroused, and the harder I got the more vigorous his actions became. I was enjoying this, although for some reason my mind just kept going back to Matt and the times that we had already spent together.

We both seemed so engrossed with what was happening that we didn’t hear anyone come into the toilets, but a few moments later we were both surprised by a noise behind us – someone clearing their throat. We looked around and there was the group of teenagers, all standing there sniggering at us.

‘Well, it looks like we’ve got us a couple of homos here, boys,’ one of them said, a big kid that only looked about sixteen but must have weighed about one hundred kilos. He was huge.

Quickly my new friend let go of me and tucked himself away. I nervously did the same. He then made a move as if to leave. As he did so, he was forcefully pushed back, falling against me in the process.

I remember I hit the wall and then slipped over on the wet floor.

I remember hitting my head.

The last thing I can recall was hearing their apparent leader say, ‘Let’s get ‘em,’ then felt someone’s boot land in my stomach.

After that. Only darkness.