Salvaging the Road to Redemption - 7. Chapter 7 - The Monster

I didn't get much sleep that night, and what little sleep I did get just wasn't enough. In my bouts in-between sleep, I tossed, I turned, the sinking pit I had been feeling in my stomach growing exponentially.

I felt horrible about what had transpired between me and Alex, yet I didn't know the cause. It was like some monster had completely taken over, and had shoved my own consciousness, my own being aside. I remembered the phone call with Josh that previous Saturday and felt the same sinking feeling.

I was confused, and a little terrified. The more I thought about it the more that sinking feeling took hold making me dizzy and nauseous. I knew if this kept up eventually I would start throwing up. It had happened before in some of my previous placements when things weren't 'working out' and usually it cleared when I was moved.

Except now I couldn't be moved, that temporary reset button no longer existed. This was my life now, this was my home.

It didn't feel like a home. It was just a place to simply exist.

I groaned inwardly at that thought as I shifted again to my side clutching a pillow. The empty feeling started to make its presence known, and I felt a tear fall from the corner of my eye and it fell down my cheek.

My eyes darted to my phone which sat oblivious to my problems on the night stand, its charging cycle complete. Josh had told me I could call any time day or night. I could call him now in fact, he would answer and I could spill everything in my soul and I knew he would listen.

'Just pick it up. Go on Ben, just do it. You can trust him, he's your friend.' I said internally trying to reason with the conflict in my head.

'No.'

My face crumpled at the answer as I bit into the pillow, trying not to make any sounds as I completely fell apart inside and out. My body shook at the uncontrolled silent sobs that wouldn't stop.

The truth slapped me in the face as the tears came. I had no family, I had no real friends. I was so broken beyond repair, that I'd be alone forever.

Alone forever.

I clamped down as the thought made me want to scream. I silently hammered my fist against the bed instead. It was true though, look at what happened between me and Alex. Look at what I had done to him. Look at what I was doing to Josh.

Josh.

The simple thought of his name brought a new pain that racked me to the core. I wanted Josh so bad. I wanted him as a friend. I wanted him more than a friend. That thought forced me out of bed and into the bathroom, I barely got the seat up before my stomach purged itself of what little had been in there.

The contractions came again and again as everything was forced up until I was left dry heaving. After it was over I cleared my mouth of anything that was left and stood up after flushing it away. I grimaced at my reflection as I caught myself in the mirror, the dark circles under my eyes were starting to return, and my skin seemed pale. I looked miserable, and I felt how I looked.

I never bothered to look at the clock to check the time, instead, I moved to the tub and turned on the shower. I slipped off my boxers and sighed before stepping into the tub into the spray. I didn't flinch as the almost too-hot water hit my skin. It hurt, and part of me wanted it to hurt. I took it for as long as I could before finally turning the knobs to a more acceptable temperature. I wish I could say the shower helped wash away some of how I felt like it would with dirt and sweat but it didn't. I still felt miserable, even while feeling a little refreshed.

I toweled myself dry and moved naked back into the main room with the towel around my neck. I glanced at the bed thinking about returning to it but the clock on my nightstand indicated it wasn't possible. I still had time, just not time for that.

I ambled over to my closet and sorted through some of the new stuff I had gotten last week for the start of school. It was supposed to be warm, so I settled for a simple dark green shirt, white undershirt, black pair of jeans, white socks, and the new pair of black Vans I had spoiled myself with.

My mind tried to wander back to thoughts from before but I wouldn't let it. Instead, I focused on my morning tasks.

After getting dressed my stomach rumbled in protest. I silently guided myself into the kitchen and thoughtlessly made the motions to start the coffee pot and went over my options for breakfast.

I could have made do with cold cereal but I actually was hungry. I dug through the fridge and pulled out some items and I ended up with a simple omelet with a cup of coffee that I sweetened up a bit.

I heard no noise from Alex's apartment as I silently ate and drank. Part of me wondered if he was actually going to attend school today. It didn't take long to clean up from breakfast and I wondered if this was going to be my new routine.

Again I thought about calling Josh, if for nothing else other than a ride to school but I shrugged it off the moment it crossed my mind.

I was out the door with what I needed for the day quickly thereafter, I was actually early. The bus that would take me I'd have to wait a while which I didn't feel like doing. I didn't see or hear from Alex as I locked up and left the building, I didn't even think to look for his car at the time due to the guilt I was feeling.

So I started walking. The sun at this point hadn't made its appearance, I could tell from the dimly lit sky it would soon make its appearance. If I had been in a better mood I probably would have appreciated how beautiful the morning was looking. Instead, I just bit my lip and kept walking.

I walked past the bus stop that would have taken me to school, and several more. Eventually, that bus did pass me as I continued my stroll, but I just didn't care. I ended up walking the entire almost 3 miles to school, in less time than I thought it would take.

When I arrived the place was totally bursting at the seams with bodies. I passed a group of freshmen who looked at the place in terror, another group of probable juniors reconnecting with their friend groups after a restful summer, and happy seniors looking forward to their last year here.

Part of me really didn't want to do this. I was socially inactive, I had always minded my business and stayed away from people on purpose. I knew of almost everyone in my class but never really interacted with them. I mean I wasn't overly mean to anyone, and they really didn't hassle me. They pretty much left me alone as long as I left them alone and that was it.

Well almost. For some reason there were a few girls that had tried to talk to me, some of them even said I was cute. Did I believe them? Not really. My only real respite was the fact I was leaving after lunch. Hell, I could leave at lunch if I wanted to but the place at least had decent food that was cheap.

My thoughts were interrupted as a voice called out my name followed by quick footsteps.

"Benjamin!"

I looked up and saw the quickly approaching figure of Dylan Dugan, Anthony's younger brother who was also a senior. I hadn't spent that much time with him other than the few lunches he had shown up at with me, Josh, and Anthony. He had a genuine smile on his face that I really didn't want to turn down.

"Hey Dylan, good to see you," I said as he fell in step beside me.

"I'm glad I ran into you." He replied, that smile not wavering in the slightest.

"What for?"

"I've got people for ya to meet."

"Dylan you don't have to"

"No, I don't but I am anyway. Come on Ben, you seem like a cool dude." He replied cutting me off with a playful nudge.

My slight grin was automatic. I did need this. I could do this. "Okay," I said in agreement.

"Come on, we're going to the caf."

Dylan led the way, not that I needed to be directed this was my fourth year here after all. We ended up at a table that I presumed was the normal meeting place.

"Ben, I want you to meet Dan, Lucas, and Chris. Guys this is Benjamin. He works with my brother at Gus's place."

"Ooh, another grease monkey," Lucas said playfully.

"Not quite but yeah," I said trying to push some of my shyness away.

"Hey, Ben." Dan greeted me, and I nodded in return.

"Good to see you again Ben," Chris said warmly with a sparkle in his eye as he shook my hand.

A little background, if I may. The whole school knew who Chris Harris was, he was probably the most friendly person that walked the earth aside from Jesus himself. Even after his mom had passed away a couple of years ago he stayed true to that friendliness in a way I just couldn't understand.

His little brother on the other hand was the complete opposite. I tended to stay away from Nathan Harris because while Chris was friendly, Nathan was a little fireball that had the fury of a dying star. A star that would soon go nova if he never got it under control.

Dylan gave me another soft nudge to break me from my spell of thoughts as everyone was sitting down, I quickly followed suit and sat down as well.

"So how's everyone feeling about the last year?" Dan asked breaking the silence.

"Ready for it to be over." Lucas groaned, "I swear when I get to college I'm not taking any classes that start before 11 am."

"As if you're that smart to actually go." Dylan ribbed which caused a few smirks around the table.

"Hey, I'm smart!"

"Smart as a rock." Dan quipped.

"Quiet you or this rock is gonna drop on you."

"Yeah, sure," Dan replied giving him a light shove.

"I for one am ready." Chris offered with a smile.

"How's Nathan doing Chris?" Lucas asked after shoving Dan back.

"A little better. He was more mellow over the summer, I think the trip we took helped. As long as nobody gets in his face this year he'll be okay." Chris replied a little somberly. I could tell he was worried about his brother, and a pang hit me in the gut reminding me of my own situation.

"What about you Ben?" Dan asked gazing in my direction.

"I guess I'm ready too. It's going to be a light year for me."

"Oh?" Lucas asked.

I tried not to sigh as I explained my situation with work and school continuing at the same time. I also explained the found credit that would be cutting my days short.

"Wow." Chris exclaimed lightly, "So you can literally leave at lunch."

"Yeah, I can and some days probably will. I mean the food ain't terrible and I could stay for it." I offered.

"You should," Dylan said giving me a light slap on the back. "I think we'd enjoy the company. Right guys?"

"Couldn't hurt!" Lucas agreed.

We broke up soon afterward. It was going to be a soft day anyway. A bunch of introductions, descriptions of the upcoming syllabus, and just a bunch of first-day nonsense to fill the time until the real work started.

Most of that was due to the fact school started in the middle of the week. Everyone would use the next few days to get acclimated to the school schedule and routine before all the hard work would actually start.

"Feeling good?" Dylan asked out of the blue as he appeared beside me during the change between the second and third periods.

"Never really felt bad, about school anyway if that's what you mean."

"Didn't have trouble then?"

"No not really. My grades have always been up there." I commented idly as I thought about it, and it was true. Despite my issues with my home life school had been something to focus on, maybe it even helped get me through it.

Dylan made a noise, "I wish I could say the same. This shit never came easy for me. Some people like my brother come home with A's like it was as easy as drinking water."

"Well, I'm another water drinker, if you need help though…" I tried to offer.

"See I knew you were a cool dude!" Dylan said as he gave me a playful slap on the back that made me smile a little. "See you at lunch?"

"Sure."

That awarded me another playful nudge as he disappeared into the throngs of the crowd. Okay, maybe this wasn't so bad after all. I wasn't adverse to the idea of friends.

I just…

I don't know.

I dropped all manner of thinking too hard about it as I disappeared into my last class of the day. My mood soured a little after that point. My last class went on like the other two had and as the time approached for me to be at work and see Josh I got that queasy feeling again.

I was so wrapped up in my thoughts I wasn't watching, when I rounded a corner and smacked into someone, nearly knocking him over. My mind reeled itself back towards reality, fully about to apologize before a voice cut me off.

"The fuck! Watch it." Nathan Harris spat as he slung his bag over his shoulder.

I held my hands up and took a step back to show I wasn't a threat, Nathan stared me down before muttering something and walked away.

"Sorry about that," Chris said from a distance. He had seen the whole encounter.

I looked at Chris and then at the direction his brother had disappeared in.

"No need." I said as I approached, "Is he okay?"

"Honestly I don't know anymore," Chris said with a sigh before he gave me an appraising look. "Forget about him, what about you. Are you okay?" He asked in soft concern.

I fidgeted a little as his attention turned to me.

"Um, yeah I guess," I said quickly.

"Ben, we don't know each other that well but if you ever need to talk man…" Chris said trailing off. He knew something was up, he could read it as plainly as if it was printed on my forehead.

"It's a lot, Chris," I admitted. "I mean a lot."

"I understand, I mean I don't know anything about you personally. In fact, nobody does. How that's even possible I can't even begin to comprehend, if you've got reasons for it, I understand and I won't push." He said gently, as we started a slow stroll towards the cafeteria. "You do have someone to talk to right?"

I nodded quickly then surprised myself, "I'm in therapy actually."

"That's good dude, really it is. Like I said no pressure, and if you ever want to hang out or something just to have fun, you're more than welcome." Chris finished with a reassuring smile.

I took a sharp breath and nodded in response. I glowered at myself internally, because of this morning. I wasn't blind to the overtures from Dylan, Chris, hell even Dan and Lucas. These people wanted to be my friends, so what the fuck was wrong with me to the point I didn't even want to try.

That voice in my head replied all too sharply, 'because they have their own lives, own families, own relationships. Why would they care to include you in that? You don't have anything to offer in return. You're just another guy at school, just like Josh thinks you're just a guy at work. That's all you ever will be.'

The voice punctuated its point with its ultimate poison, 'Why even ask you throwaway.' With that thought, I felt another crack forming deep inside, as my head rushed like it had before. As I walked with Chris it took every ounce of my being to keep my shit together. I felt sick and almost lost my appetite and I wasn't far off from needing to find something to throw up in.

Somehow, I managed to swallow all of it and managed to push it deep back inside. By the time we reached the cafeteria, I was at least breathing normally again.

We met up with the group and got our food. I ended up with a grilled chicken salad, then returned to the same spot we had before.

This time I didn't add much to the conversation, I paid attention for the most part and the guys didn't push since I was new to their group I guess. I did notice the glances from Dylan and Chris though, I got the feeling that somehow they were worried about me.

For what I couldn't imagine, other than the mystery I probably represented to them. As soon as lunch was over I tossed my trash, said my goodbyes, and headed out the door. Instead of waiting for a bus, I walked instead just like I had this morning with the same thoughts as this morning.

The walk made me show up a little later than I would have if I had taken the bus, but no one questioned it until Josh did anyway.

"You miss the bus?" He asked softly as I was putting on my coveralls over my clothes. We stood alone in the corner of the back room that held most of the garage's inventory.

"No, I just decided to walk," I said flatly, trying to finish as quickly as I could so I could get away.

"Ben, did I do something to you?"

Josh's question caught me off guard and his tone when he said it added another crack to whatever it was inside of me that was breaking. I seriously couldn't do this right now and I couldn't risk falling apart either.

"No," I said as evenly as I could. I was unable to look him in the eye as I replied and he stood there silently for a moment.

"Okay." He said breaking the silence and quickly walked back into the garage.

I could tell that exchange had hurt him. Hell it hurt me too, I was almost positive he had more to say but something held him back. I seriously wanted to punch something. Instead, I called upon every last bit of my reserves and went to work.

The next day was not any better than the last. I felt myself avoiding Josh even more than before to the point he stopped approaching me. The only communication we had was work related and it was short and to the point. For the first time ever, I ended up walking home from work that night.

Isn’t that what I wanted though?

A part of me said yes, the rest of me was screaming in agony.

I was not well when I went to school Friday morning. It felt like a single thread was holding me together at that point. Sleep, for the fourth night in a row, had eluded me, even after taking another one of those pills Gavin had given me. I had walked to school, then walked to work the last two days and it looked like today was going to be the third. I felt sick to my stomach, as I had thrown up every morning before breakfast, and yesterday I had thrown up after lunch before I had left for work.

I was exhausted, and now I had this headache that wouldn't go away. I managed to eat this morning before I left but with every passing step, it was clear I was probably going to lose the contents of my stomach again from all the stress I was feeling.

My feet felt like concrete blocks as I entered the building, sweat was starting to form on my brow and my ears started to ring. Blackness started to form at the edges of my vision and with every passing step, and against my will it got worse.

"Dude, are you alright?" Dylan asked, he didn't hide the concern on his face. I looked up and saw the same look on the faces of Dan, Lucas, and Chris.

"I don't… I don't know." I said as my head felt like it had sprung a water leak. I couldn't ignore the flooding feeling that was happening between my ears, a wave of dizziness crashed into me causing me to stumble.

Hands reached for my arms to keep me upright.

"I think we need to take him to the nurse." Someone commented, followed by a small stream of agreements.

"Okay, bathroom first." I acquiesced. I still felt hands on my arms as we made it to the bathroom, as soon as we got through the door I rushed for one of the stalls and made it just as I lost my battle with my stomach.

Everyone stood back as my stomach heaved, the blackness in my vision increased with each heave and I was worried I was going to pass out before I was done.

My consciousness held on to the very end, I flushed the toilet and stood up. My legs felt like jelly as I made my way to the sink and turned it on to rinse my mouth and face.

"Ben, what's going on man. You can tell us." Dylan said from behind me. The others approached as well each expressing the same concern as Dylan.

I don't know who did it, and I knew no one meant any harm by it. But someone had made the mistake of touching my lower back.

It was the last thing I remember before everything faded to black as the monster inside of me Alex had encountered before broke free more powerful than ever before with devastating consequences.

The quiet solitude of the school parking lot was momentarily interrupted by the angry engine revolutions of Gus's black Cadillac Escalade as it powered up the drive. It was moving fast, almost too fast

and Josh nearly hit the curb as it screeched to a stop in front of the building at the Lost Hills High School's pickup line.

Gus was out of the passenger side and the door slammed before Josh had a chance to put the vehicle in park, he shut it off and quickly exited trying to catch up to Gus who stormed towards the building.

Gus didn't need to be told where to go, his destination was simple, the front office had already gathered a small group of people including the school resource officer, principal, district psychologist, and a few others.

"What the hell is going on here," Gus boomed over the discussion in progress, "and where the hell is Benjamin Thomas."

"Who are you?" One of the women asked, clearly not liking Gus's tone of voice.

"I'm his father, now are you going to tell me where my kid is or am I going to have to tear this damn building apart until I find him?" Gus spat back, clearly not having the belligerence today.

"You are not his father," the woman shot back instantly. "I don't know who you are or what you think you're doing here but-"

"Bitch, I'm not talking to you and I'm not going to ask again. Where is Benjamin Thomas." Gus thundered cutting her off.

That made everyone stop and the school resource officer stepped forward, ready to get into the middle of this if it got physical.

"Everybody Stop." Pamela Price said as she stood up from her desk, taking control of his escalating situation. "This is my son Josh, and his boss Gus Harris, I called them as soon as we found out who Benjamin was. I called them because they know him, and they're the best chance to get him to open the door."

"What door?" Gus said as he looked around, "Where is he, and what the hell happened?"

Pam stepped forward and explained. "There was an altercation between Benjamin and a group of other students. We don't know what happened. Benjamin locked himself in the bathroom and won't come out, we don't even know if he's hurt because he's not answering staff at the door."

"So he was attacked," Gus stated already knowing what happened, and snapped his head towards the woman he was arguing with. "And you're going to deny me access to my damn kid. I don't care what you say that boy is mine and you don't get to tell me otherwise."

"We don't know what happened. We have a key, we were about to head down there and unlock it, the officer was going to make entry and talk to Benjamin." The man Gus assumed was the principal said.

"Oh no, you ain't," Gus interjected. "You can't send that cop in there if I know Benjamin he's messed up in his mind right now. If you send him in there Benjamin is going to freak out and punch the cop, and then he's going to get tased, cuffed, and arrested for assaulting a peace officer. Or worse he's going to get shot because Captain America over there is going to freak out over the resistance he's going to get and empty a magazine into Ben's chest. I don't think so. Not going to happen."

"Sir it's not going to happen like that. The resource officer spoke up.

"Please. I'm a black man in America you don't think I know how this ends? He cannot be the one to go inside that door. You don't know what you're dealing with in there. You don't know Benjamin. You don't know what he's gone through or how out of his mind he's going to be. The person locked up in that bathroom may as well be another person and if you don't do this right you're going to have a dead student on your hands."

"That isn't going to"

"I don't need you to talk," Gus interjected again as he cut off the woman he was arguing with before a second time. "If you handle this wrong I'm suing you, the school, and everybody involved. If I have to cash in every single asset I have, my business property, my house, my cars, my retirement, my kid's college funds, I cash it all in do you think the district or you personally have the ability to match the six plus million I'm going to have in legal fees? I'll go broke but I promise you, none of you will survive this."

Everybody paused to think. Josh knew Gus was serious about this, he didn't know why Gus had this special interest in Benjamin but he had noticed it was there. He didn't treat Benjamin like the others at the garage, yes he did joke with him like the others but he pulled his punches almost as if he knew how Benjamin would react.

"I think we should let Gus and Josh should go in and get Benjamin out." Pam said gently, "They know him, he knows them. It's no different than a parent doing it. I think they have the best chance of us figuring out what happened."

"Okay then let's go."

The entourage left the office and silently made their way to a hallway that had its own small group of people made up of a couple of teachers, office staff, and more importantly a janitor who had the keys to the door. A group of four students caught Josh's eye.

"Dylan, what the hell happened?" Josh asked quickly.

"It happened so fast, Ben walked in looking like a corpse, we were going to take him to the nurse's office because he looked that bad, but he wanted to go to the bathroom first," Dylan said wiping a tear away.

"He threw up." Lucas offered next, "he went to the sink to wash his face and stuff."

"I think it was me," Chris said as he stepped forward. "I touched his back and he went crazy. We tried to calm him down but I think he thought we were trying to attack him. He threw Dan to the floor, kicked Lucas in the stomach, threw me into a wall and Dylan ended up on top of Dan."

"The dude knows how to fight," Lucas said rubbing his stomach.

"Somehow he ended up throwing all of us out the door and then locked it." Dan continued his bruises evident as well.

"Fuck." Josh said as he rubbed the back of his head, then looked at Gus. "Abuse too?"

Gus nodded.

"Dammit." Josh looked at Dylan, "he didn't mean it. It's a long story but Ben has been through some rough stuff, seriously. He didn't mean to hurt anyone."

The group nodded, they weren't angry at what happened.

"Unlock it, everyone stays back, these two are going in." The principal spoke up after hearing everything that was said, everyone cleared from the door and the janitor slid the key into the lock and unlocked it then moved away himself.

Gus put his hand on the door and mentally got himself ready for what he was going to see when he stepped inside. As he pushed the door open, it was immediately apparent a fight had happened in there. The contents of a school bag were all over the floor, and school books were strewn everywhere, along with notebooks, binders, pens, and paper towels. Whatever had happened in here it wasn't gentle.

Gus glanced around, attempting to lay eyes on Benjamin and his heart fell, he finally found him under the row of sinks, his knees clutched to his chest, with his head buried into them.

"Oh my God," Josh whispered as he came in behind Gus. Josh's first instinct was to rush to Ben but before he could Gus's hand clamped on his shoulder.

"Don't," Gus said in a low voice. "Just stay put, let me get his attention first."

Benjamin was oblivious to the fact the door had been unlocked or that anyone had entered and Gus was willing to bet that the fight would be on no matter who was involved if this wasn't done right.

The first step was to break whatever was going on in Ben's head.

"BENJAMIN!" Gus's voice boomed. Ben's head snapped up and stared at Gus almost wide-eyed, but he didn't move. "I'm here. Josh is here. Are you hurt?"

"Gus?" Benjamin replied with a weak voice, breathing hard.

Gus saw recognition in Benjamin's eyes, and he didn't try to hide himself from him so he nodded.

"Josh, stand there and crouch down, I have an idea," Gus whispered as he let go of Josh's shoulder and pointed. Josh slowly moved forward to where Gus was pointing and crouched down. "He's going to come to you just be ready for it. It's going to be fast."

Ben's eyes flicked between Gus and Josh and settled on Josh once he crouched down.

The concern was dripping off of Josh as he had done what he was told. He wanted to cry as Ben looked at him, Josh could tell he was scared, something had hurt him, and that something wasn't physical. He knew Gus was right if this wasn't handled the right way it would go south pretty quick.

"Ben," Josh called out softly, he hadn't meant to do it not sure of what Gus had planned next but it had left his lips before he could stop it. "Ben please." He almost croaked as he opened his arms.

Josh was almost bowled over off his feet, but he was prepared as Ben launched himself out from under the row of sinks. He wrapped his arms around Ben as Ben clung to him.

"Thought so," Gus uttered as he moved next to Josh.

"What do you mean?" Josh said totally baffled as he continued to sooth Ben.

"Boy you stupid, don't you know when someone likes you?" Gus said shaking his head.

Josh looked down at Ben, then back up at Gus. "You sure?"

"So sure I'm surprised you never noticed."

"I did."

"Let's get him out of here."