Leave the Pieces - 9. Baby Steps

I made it down the hall from my room to Luis’s, feeling somewhat rushed as I pushed his door open. “Luis, have you seen a black CD case? It’s Lee’s and she’s stopping by to....oh, fuck me.”

I turned away quickly as soon as I laid eyes on the rather aggressive cornsnake in his hands when it violently twisted its body to mark its displeasure and punctured his arm for good measure. There was blood. There had been blood since he’d found the thing in the backyard and decided it was time for another snake. Personally, I thought this one was a little bit evil. Luis didn’t seem to mind getting bit, though. He rolled his eyes at me as he put the snake away.

“Logan asked you if you wanted another snake,” I pointed out. “We can go to the pet store right now and get you another one. You know--one that likes you.”

“You sound like your mom,” Luis remarked, and I made an expression to show my offense over that.

“Liar. My mom would never ask you to get another snake.”

Luis reached under his bed suddenly, and then tossed me the CD case I was looking for. “Those are Lee’s?” he asked.

“Yeah. She’s heading over soon to pick them up. And us up--we’re going out for a while, you have to come.”

Luis raised an eyebrow at that, challenging.

“I’m not joking,” I assured him. “I told my mom we should get you ready for homecoming, and she ungrounded me.”

Luis looked so horrified for a moment that I almost laughed. But I was also taking this situation seriously. He was coming with me even if I had to drag his ass from the house. I needed to get out. Apart from a one-night stay at my dad’s where he also felt obligated to keep me in, I’d been stuck mostly in my room or outside cleaning up fallen leaves with Luis. I was going stir-crazy.

“I’m serious,” I informed him. “She’ll be here in about twenty minutes--actually, we should just leave now and start walking that way. She’ll run into us. I’m going to put on shoes.”

I left his room to do just that, and by the time I reached the front door my mom was there to chase me out of it. I hadn’t bothered to find her first. She’d been with Randy, who’d been in a horrible mood, complaining nonstop about his toe. I’d told him it was karma for whatever he did with Luis’s snake, and he hadn’t spoken to me since. My mom angry with me over it, but I noted that she said nothing when I pointed out that Randy wasn’t exactly denying anything.

Luis and I had a theory that if it was Randy, the snake probably wasn’t too far. He wouldn’t have been able to stand holding it for long and it was too big to flush down the toilet, so there was a chance that he’d simply put it outside. Luis had been looking for it when he found the new one. He’d also agreed to take it back out as soon as his reappeared. As much as I hated watching him get bit, I supposed there was a good enough strategy there. There was no way anyone but him would be touching the new snake, and my mom was beginning to look like she wished he’d find the python already.

“Where’s Luis?” she asked me.

“He’s coming,” I insisted.

“And you’re just going shopping for homecoming and coming right back here, right?”

“I thought you said I wasn’t grounded anymore,” I pointed out.

She frowned at me. “I still want to know where you’ll be and what you’ll be doing.”

I sighed. “We’re walking over to Lee’s, going with her for a while... then, I’ll call you.”

“I don’t want you out too late,” she warned.

“We won’t be,” I insisted, and then felt relieved when Luis appeared at the door. For a second there I was beginning to think I’d have to go back in for him. Knowing that he didn’t like to be touched I resisted the urge to grab Luis by the arm and drag him down the driveway with me, so instead I nodded, motioning to him that it was time to get the hell out of there. “Bye, Mom.”

“Stay out of trouble,” she said, a final warning. I felt better as soon as she was back inside and we were past the mailbox.

Luis didn’t seem as thrilled. “I didn’t eat lunch,” he complained.

“Are you hungry?” I asked.

“No. I just didn’t eat lunch.”

I rolled my eyes at him. “I’ll ask Lee to stop somewhere for you,” I insisted. “And this is not as bad as you think it is.”

He looked doubtful. “I don’t dance. I don’t want to dance.”

“This is shopping, Luis. Worry about the dancing part later.” I suddenly regarded him warily. “Look... about shopping...”

“I won’t take anything,” he said, and I decided that his word was good enough for me.

“Thank you,” I replied, as if he were doing me a favor. Hell, maybe he was. I found myself slowing a bit as I watched him. Not so long ago this guy had beat up my boyfriend and I wouldn’t have caught myself taking a walk with him on a sunny day, or would have wanted to.

I felt like he was hiding something from me the first time we talked about what he did to Nick. I guess I just couldn’t see Nick lying to him a good enough reason for why Luis did what he did. Since he claimed it had nothing to do with defending me, either he had another reason, or he was simply lying about it. Either way, I hadn’t brought it up again.

Besides, if I recalled, resorting to violence hadn’t been the only problem Luis had.

“Maybe you should ask someone to homecoming,” I suggested. Not a bad idea at all, I thought. Maybe this could help him fit in better. I knew he wanted to. Maybe he didn’t have a problem with expressing things right, as he’d said. Maybe he just needed to do it more clearly. He wanted to fit in. He wanted to feel normal. I knew I was right about that because it’s what we all wanted.

“Why would I do that?”

“Because... it’s what people do,” I reasoned. “I’ll help you.”

Luis made a point to look indignant. “If I was going to do it, I wouldn’t need your help... I’m not going to do it.”

“Why not?” I countered. “You’re asking girls out all the time. I was just offering to help you find one that doesn’t have a boyfriend.”

Luis fell silent for a moment, shoved his hands in his pockets and went out of his way to kick a rock that had found its way between the cracks in the sidewalk. “I thought those were the ones that say yes,” he remarked.

My eyes widened slightly at that as I tried to figure out whether or not he was joking. “Luis...”

“I don’t want to, and I’m not good with girls, anyway--definitely not guys!” he quickly added when he felt that hadn’t come out right. This time, I did laugh. Luis mumbled under his breath. “No offense.”

He suddenly looked troubled, and the humor I saw died there.

“I’m sorry,” I said quickly. “Luis...”

“I don’t want to talk about it,” he snapped.

I frowned, but couldn’t quite let myself let go of it.

“Whatever happened to you--it matters, okay? But no one would think... I mean... Look, my gaydar or queer detector, or sixth sense--whatever--I don’t really have one,” I admitted, somewhat shamefully. “I mean, I try to, but maybe it’s something that you have to grow into. I don’t know. But just because I’m not really good at it, I’d never think that you... my point is, I’m gay. It’s a part of me. Whatever happened to you, it’s part of you, yeah--but not in the same way.”

I winced at the way I seemed to be stumbling over words. Actually, I’m pretty sure I sounded stupid and wasn’t helping at all, given the look on Luis’s face. I guess after what he’d said to me on the rooftop, I was hoping that it would be okay to push him a little. But now I thought that was the wrong thing to hope for. What I should have been looking for was him to open up to me, at least a little. He didn’t have to tell me what happened. Honestly, I wasn’t sure I really wanted to know. But I wanted him to trust me, especially after what he’d said about being friends.

I must have fumbled in my approach to this badly, because Luis’s hands pushed further into his pockets and his pace picked up considerably, as if he were trying to ditch me and didn’t feel like hiding the fact. Frowning, I picked up my pace to follow, and then shortly after realized I needed to stop jumping to conclusions when he said, “Lee’s nice.”

It took me a moment to catch on, mostly because Lee was my friend. A really good friend, who I, in particular, would never think of that way. I think sometimes I forgot other people did. “Well...” I said slowly, “she is single. That’s a start.”

Luis narrowed his eyes on me. “You don’t want me to ask her.”

“I didn’t say that,” I said quickly.

“You think I’ll mess it up, and she won’t talk to you anymore.” He sounded freakishly not offended.

“No.” Kinda. Just not how he put it. “No... Actually... she is nice. You should talk to her about it today.”

Luis gave me another one of those go-practice-talking-to-apes-before-you-try-it-with-people looks.

“Really,” I insisted. “Lee’s probably the best girl you could ask, and you’ll probably have a lot of fun.” I smiled at him. “You might like having fun.”

***

Lee, having prepared early for the upcoming school event, was basically there to hang out, which was nice. Outside of school I hadn’t seen much of anyone, and during school Nick had suddenly made a point to show up at our table at lunch, as if he were staking claim. He hadn’t brought Kim with him yet, which is probably why I’d managed to play it off as no big deal and insisted on having lunch with Luis. Lee had joined us every other day, obviously torn when it came to her friends, which Nick and I both were. Gene and Jerry, still wary of Luis, ate where they always did, but when I saw them during and in between classes they’d made it clear enough that they weren’t choosing sides, which suited me just fine.

I was sad about Nick. I could admit to that. Maybe angry, too, but that anger hadn’t set in yet, which is why I only managed to feel disappointed when Lee finally brought him up.

We’d decided to ease into the shopping part of our day, and detoured to an arcade. It seemed to be a good choice. It turned out Luis had a knack for games, and he seemed rather relaxed in front of one of the machines as Lee hovered around one I’d decided to try out. “He’s still sore about the Logan situation,” she informed me. “It’s like all of us have to keep reminding him that you just made a friend.”

“What about him making a girlfriend?” I remarked.

Lee let out a breath. “Yeah, about that... all of a sudden he’s saying he’s not really into guys anymore. Also, he’s under the impression that he only started hanging out with Kim after you met Logan. That’s what he’s saying, anyway.”

I made a face, not sure I could trust words after that.

“I know,” she said defensively. “And I’m sorry, I don’t know what’s up with him.”

I let out a breath. “Don’t worry about it. It’s not your fault.”

“He’s been my friend for a really long time.” She sounded almost sorry, and I forced myself to smile at her.

“It’s okay. I swear. I mean, things will work themselves out eventually, right?”

She looked doubtful. “Yeah. I guess they usually do... Jess?”

I turned away from the game to face her. I was losing, anyway. “Yeah.”

“You’re freaking me out.”

I rolled my eyes and gave her shoulder a playful shove. “I’m fine.”

“That’s what’s so freaky about it,” Lee informed me. “You’re supposed to be--angry--or something. At the very least I’m pretty sure you’re supposed to hate Nick’s guts. You’re not putting much effort into it.”

I shrugged. “You don’t hate him, right?”

“Well, I could pretend if you want to vent a little. You’re supposed to do that--vent.”

I regarded her thoughtfully, and somewhat suspiciously. “Do you pretend to hate me for him?”

Lee made a face. “Don’t tell anyone, but it’s not the same. I’m trying to be his friend. I care about him.”

“That’s okay,” I insisted, beginning to wish that she’d just drop it.

“No it’s not,” she said, sounding so certain that it surprised me. “He’s wrong, Jess. About everything. He’s the one who’s wrong.”

I sighed and lowered my voice. “Lee... don’t say anything, okay? Especially to him.”

“Yeah, of course,” she replied, a little too eagerly.

“That day... I was looking for Nick. I know I had Luis with me, and I probably could have picked a better time, but I was afraid that if I didn’t get it over with I wouldn’t.”

“Get what over with?”

I shrugged helplessly. “I was going to tell Nick I just wanted to be friends. Sucks. I’m not sure we’ll be able to do that now.”

“You were going to break up with him? For Logan?”

I took offense. “No. I was breaking up with him because obviously something wasn’t working anymore. Shit, all summer long I never would’ve thought... it just wasn’t the same as it was. I don’t think it was going to be.”

“Oh. So Logan...”

“We’re just friends.”

“Oh.” She looked doubtful again, and this time I pinched her over it. “Ouch!”

I laughed and rubbed at my shoulder where she’d taken a swing at it, for her sake pretending that it hurt.

Wanting to change the subject, I looked towards Luis. “We should get going before my mom starts blowing me up.”

“I thought you weren’t grounded anymore.”

“So she says,” I replied, not wanting to mention the tension that had been between my parents lately. I think it was one of the reasons my mom was high-strung. The other would be that Brooks’ trial was coming up, and Luis was expected to be in the courtroom. I’m not sure that was going so well, given the silent treatment everyone got from him every time he came back from a meeting.

But he didn’t need to worry about any of that today, and neither did I. Today, all Luis had to worry about was what normal people worried about.

“I can’t wear that,” he said seriously when we finally made it into a real store.

“The dance is formal,” I replied. “You can’t show up in jeans.”

“I can wear formal jeans,” he insisted, pushing away the clothes I was holding out for him.

“Hey, those are nice,” Lee commented when she joined us. I raised an eyebrow at Luis and he grudgingly took the suit.

“Don’t you want to try it on?” I asked him.

“No.”

“There’s still a little time to bring it back if it doesn’t fit,” Lee said when she saw how I disapproved of that. I felt like telling her to butt out, but was too distracted by the way she was currently holding a blue shirt up in front of me.

I stepped away from it, but she made sure it followed me. “What are you doing?” I asked her.

“You need something too, right?” she asked.

“No,” I said quickly, and earned questioning looks from both her and Luis. I sighed. “Look, Nick wanted us to find dates, and I never got around to it. I don’t really think I could now, okay? I’d rather just spend the night at home.”

“You’re full of shit,” Luis remarked, and his clothes went right back on the nearest rack. Lee was quick to place them back in his hands.

“You’re both going,” she insisted. “Why don’t you just be my date, Jess? I don’t feel like going with anyone else, anyway.”

I was quick to look at Luis. “Actually, why don’t you and Luis...”

He gave me a warning look before he suddenly turned and headed to the ladies’ section, where we watched him stop the first group of girls he came to. He pointed at one. “You go to my school.”

“We’re really going to have to work on his approach,” Lee remarked behind me, looking only slightly less annoyed than she did at school when he did things like this. I might have agreed with her, but that didn’t change the fact that Luis walked away with a date.

***

Despite feeling relieved that I had my freedom back, the entire week of homecoming was a rocky one, at best. The rift that Nick had I had created within our circle of friends wasn’t going unnoticed. While I’d planned to keep my distance from any school functions that he’d most likely be at, I found it easier said than done.

I couldn’t miss the homecoming game, which we lost. Jarred and Gene might have taken offense to my not being there. I couldn’t talk Luis into going to this one with me. The way he saw it, if he had to dance then he should be excused from every other activity for the rest of his life, but I figured there’d still be room for negotiation later on.

Our school was playing against Logan’s school, and I think I was hoping that I’d see him there. It was no surprise that I didn’t. He’d mentioned he never went to these things. I guess I could have called him, but I’d been putting it off. After what happened with Nick I felt like I needed time. Why I needed time away from Logan was another matter entirely, one I wasn’t ready to look at all that closely, and I think at some point I’d decided to spend my time focusing on Luis.

I decided it was for the best that Logan wasn’t there, anyway, when Nick showed up with Kim. I made eye contact with him once and found myself wondering when he’d stop looking at me like he wanted to stomp on my head. I thought it was unnecessary, paired with the fact that he wasn’t exactly hiding that he and Kim were together.

I think Lee was disappointed in me for leaving early, but she promised to tell Jarred and Gene that I saw their game.

When I arrived home, I was surprised by the conversation coming from the kitchen. “I’m just asking,” my mom was saying. “You act like I’m accusing you.”

“You shouldn’t have asked at all,” Randy replied, a slight edge to his voice.

 

“I’m sorry,” she said, most likely meaning it. My mom didn’t like making waves. “It’s just... it would be nice to see something good happen to Luis, and if his snake were to turn up... well...”

“I told you, your son’s full of shit,” Randy stated. “I don’t know where he’d get the idea that I’d do something with the fucking thing, except that he’s been against me from day one.”

“Jesse’s not against you,” my mom said defensively. “He’s just had a little trouble adjusting, is all.”

For a moment I considered heading in there to weigh in on that, but decided against it.

“That’s bullshit and we both know it,” Randy stated. “He’s disrespectful, and sooner or later that’s going to come to an end. For both of them, that will come to an end.”

“Luis has improved,” my mom replied, getting riled again. “Honestly, Randy, I don’t know what you expect from him. After what he’s been through...”

“And what has he been through?” Randy remarked. “Other than what he said to the police when they found him no one can get him to talk. I’d even bet that he made it all up to get out of trouble. Remember how they found him. The kid’s a criminal. He’ll probably get up on that stand and his whole story will fall apart.”

“He’s not a criminal! He was with a monster, Randy, who obviously did something to him, and when Luis testifies we’ll finally be able to put all of this behind us... The last meeting with the lawyer didn’t go so bad. She said he seemed more willing to talk.”

“But you didn’t hear him, did you?” Randy said. “They could just be making it all up to make sure he shows up in court. That asshole’s going away, anyway. Why drag through all the dirty laundry, too? It’s just going to embarrass us.”

My mom sounded exasperated. “I honestly don’t understand how you can say something like that.”

I understood. Randy was a jackass. I didn’t want to hear anymore. Luis probably didn’t, either, and they were both idiots to think he couldn’t hear them from his room, which is where I headed next.

After what happened the last time, I think I had a right to panic when the room was empty and Luis’s window was wide open. I ran to it, and then let out a breath when I didn’t have to look far to figure out where he was. It was a warm day, and he was in the backyard, checking under bushes, most likely looking for his snake again.

I slipped through the window, too, not feeling like a walk all the way around the house for the sake of using a door. Luis glanced over his shoulder as soon as he heard my footsteps, and then went right back to what he was doing.

“Are they still talking?” he asked me.

“Yep.”

He shook his head, and as I took a seat in the grass I sympathized with him. Sometimes it was better not to listen. I watched him for a few minutes, not making an attempt to help. In the past I only felt like I was getting in his way.

“Nick was at the game,” I found myself saying. “I’m pretty sure he still hates me.” Okay, it bothered me.

Luis grunted indifferently.

“I don’t like fighting with him,” I confided. “Not even now... he’s really not such a bad guy.”

That one got a skeptical look. Luis just didn’t like Nick. I kept looking for there to be more to it than that. Every time I considered what could have happened while he was with Brooks, in fact--but I maybe I was looking at nothing. Sometimes I wished that I could hear what he was thinking.

“Hey, Luis? Are you really going to testify?”

I watched him tense as a familiar uncertainly crept over him. He didn’t want to answer the question. That was recognizable enough.

“Well... if you ever feel like talking about it... you know, no one will be angry if you don’t.” Not that I agreed with Randy. I wanted to see Arthur Brooks catch on fire and die screaming. But maybe everyone needed to remember that this wasn’t about anyone but Luis.

But to my surprise, Luis’s next words contradicted that thought. “If he gets out... he’ll do it again. He won’t care who’s watching. It’ll happen. Who won’t blame me then, Jesse?”

My eyes widened and I opened my mouth, wanting to say something to that, but Luis quickly turned his back on me and pointed across the yard.

“I haven’t checked over there yet,” he said.

I swallowed the air caught in my throat and slowly rose to my feet, prepared to crawl through bushes for as long as he needed me to.

***

“Are you sure you don’t want to go?” I asked Luis from just outside his bedroom door as another car horn blared from outside.

“Jesse! Hurry it up, and tell your friends to shut up!” Randy shouted from the other room.

“I’m sure,” Luis insisted.

I frowned at him, but decided not to press the issue further. “Maybe tonight you should call Amanda.”

Luis looked confused.

“Your date for homecoming,” I elaborated.

He frowned at me. “I thought her name was Sara.”

I couldn’t help cracking a smile at him. “Don’t call her that when you’re dancing with her.”

“I’m not stupid. I just forgot her name.”

“Don’t tell her that, either,” I suggested.

“Whatever. Why do I have to call her?”

Another honk.

“Jesse!” Randy growled.

“Coming!” I shouted, and then looked at Luis again. “Because homecoming’s tomorrow, and you might want to find out where she lives. I’ll see you later, and if you change your mind, tell my mom to drive you down to the school.”

Luis shook his head at me. “Not likely.”

I wanted to think otherwise, but could pretty much take his word for it as I told him I’d see him later and headed to the front door, promising my mom I’d be home before it got too late and aiming an eye roll at Randy that I hoped he saw. I opened the front door at the same time Lee had her hand raised to knock on it.

“Finally,” she remarked, looking to be in a rather good mood.

“Sorry,” I replied as I stepped out.

She glanced behind me as I closed the door. “Where’s Luis?”

I shrugged. “I guess tonight’s not good for him.”

“He’s still coming to the dance, right?”

“He’ll be there,” I promised.

“Good. So, let’s go. Jarred and Gene said they’ll save a spot for us.”

The school was having a bonfire. It was traditional to have it before the homecoming game, but it had rained and it was quickly rescheduled. My hope was that the evening wasn’t going to consist of a bunch of depressed football players.

We headed to her parents’ van and I quickly buckled myself into the passenger seat, glancing behind me twice when something in the mirror caught my attention. I felt my eyes widen only slightly as I turned around and cocked my head. “Hey.”

“I asked Logan to come,” Lee informed me.

“I see that,” I said quickly.

Logan looked almost uncertain. He was probably reading my surprise as disappointment. He had it wrong. I wasn’t disappointed. I was nervous.

“You okay with this?” he asked.

“Why wouldn’t he be?” Lee asked, shooting me a look.

I made myself smile. It really wasn’t too hard when it came to Logan. “Yeah,” I said quickly, realizing that I was suddenly the source of a lot of awkwardness. “Yeah, this is... it’s good.”

Logan looked amused before I took a breath and turned to face forward in my seat.

I don’t know where being nervous came from. We’d left things well enough the last time I saw him. But then, if that was true, I’m not sure why I’d be nervous. It was a feeling I couldn’t shake, but it didn’t take me long to realize that this was the first time we’d be hanging out with my friends. Nick could be there. Maybe I shouldn’t have cared about that but I did. It felt like admitting to guilt to me. What if he saw Logan and me together? Quite frankly, I didn’t want to find out what if. I couldn’t believe that Lee would either as I shot her an incredulous look she either didn’t notice or chose to ignore as she jumped into conversation with Logan about school projects that I had a hard time paying attention to, except for the way that everything Logan said seemed a little strained.

Maybe I’d made him just uncomfortable enough to ruin his night. Great. Or maybe he was nervous, too. Great again. Every time he responded to her, there was an edge in his voice that gave the impression he thought he was intruding, and I wasn’t imagining it. I wanted to jump in somewhere, take an interest. Maybe it would put him at ease. But for the first time ever, being around Logan was noticeably difficult.

I could have killed Lee when she disappeared as soon as we got to the school. He was the guest here, and she’d managed to leave me as his reluctant host.

The parking lot was full of students, teachers and even parents. Some had brought barbeque grills, and the stench of smoke was heavy in the air before we could even see the bonfire, which according to most of the crowds we passed, wasn’t anything special this year. Disappointment was running rampant.

The silence between Logan and me as we made our way towards the field, walking no less than three feet apart from each other, was growing more uncomfortable by the second. I kept sneaking glances at him, wondering if he was feeling it, too. A white long-sleeved t-shirt and faded jeans made him seem taller than usual somehow, or maybe it was the lazy fall of the waves in his hair that made him look a little different tonight. Or maybe it was just me, looking for a reason to look at him like he was different. Like we were different. If that was the case, I swear I wasn’t doing it intentionally. If anything, I wanted everything to go back to the way it had been the first night I ended up at his house, minus the reasons that had brought me there. I wanted... I wanted...

Logan’s hand suddenly shot out, landing flat on my chest, and I jumped away from it like a lunatic. When had he gotten so close? He’d successfully prevented me from being trampled by the enthusiastic lunatics running around with a deflated football. To my horror, my reaction caused him to slide the same hand that had saved me into his pocket as he tucked his hair behind his ear with the other, looking rather offended. “Sorry,” he mumbled.

I rolled my eyes, not at him, but at myself, and then I forced myself to fall in step beside him at a more reasonable distance. A closer distance. “I wasn’t expecting to see you,” I admitted.

“I figured.”

“It’s not that I didn’t want to,” I said defensively, not liking that he seemed defensive.

The corner of his mouth turned up into the smallest, if understanding, smile that I’d ever seen. “Don’t worry about it, Jess.”

“I have to,” I argued. “I feel like a crazy person, and I don’t want you to think it’s because of you.”

Logan shrugged. “Like you said, you weren’t expecting me.”

I didn’t like that he was being so agreeable. “I am happy Lee decided to pick you up.”

“You are?” Now he just sounded confused.

“Yeah,” I insisted. “I would have called you--soon.” I’m happy to report that wasn’t a complete lie. I thought about him enough that I believed I would have called.

Logan was silent for a moment, and then moved his eyes in my direction. “Lee didn’t invite me. We’ve been talking again. She told me where she was going, and when she said you’d be here I asked if I could tag along.”

Great. Back to being awkward. As I tried to figure out how to react to that, he watched, waited for my reaction. That only delayed it further, so finally I dumbly repeated, “I would have called you.”

I’m sure I sounded rude. At least I could count on Logan to see past it. “I believe you... but I’ve been kind of... off lately, you know? About you.”

“No,” I decided. “I don’t really know.”

He released a soft chuckle. “Yeah. Neither do I. Anyway... I wanted to know that you’re okay. Not just with the whole Nick thing--is everything okay with...”

“I’m okay,” I said quickly.

Logan nodded. “Good. I know you’ve got a lot going on.”

“Luis is good, too,” I replied, understanding what he meant by my other goings-on. “He’s going to homecoming.”

Logan smiled. Genuinely. That was much better. “Really?”

I shrugged. “Under protest.”

“Hey, at least he’s getting out there, right?”

I nodded, sneaking another glance at him. Logan was getting out there, too. School events weren’t really his thing, unless it had to do with academics. This wasn’t even his school. Knowing that he was there to check on me was touching. It was also still a little unnerving. Between wanting to be friends with Logan, Nick’s assumptions and Logan’s confessions, I couldn’t help having some difficulty knowing where the line was between us. I wasn’t used to having my defenses up around him, and I didn’t like it, but on the defensive I found it necessary for the time being.

“I’m going too,” I said. “With Lee--what about you?”

“The dance is tonight at my school.”

“Oh.”

“I don’t go to those things, anyway.”

I know. I forced myself to meet his eyes. “I’m glad you showed up here.”

He still looked skeptical, but gave me a small nod and an even smaller smile. I allowed a few more moments of silence to pass as we reached the center of the activities, but found ourselves moving past them, away from the noise instead of finding a place to join in. “So, besides Lee, who else do you know around here?” I asked curiously. “Gene, Jarred?”

“We’ve met,” Logan replied, but his tone didn’t give away whether he felt that was a good thing or a bad thing. “And I don’t really know anyone around here except for you and Lee.”

“And Nick,” I added, before I could decide it should go without mentioning.

“And Nick,” Logan agreed. “So who is Luis taking to homecoming?”

His abrupt subject change took me off guard, but admitting to myself that it wasn’t entirely unexpected, I went with it, explaining how I wasn’t grounded anymore mostly because Luis was going to homecoming, and I told him about his way of picking up dates. We found a place to sit on an unoccupied portion of the bleachers and I asked about his animals for a while, knowing that I’d get an enthusiastic response from him, and then he asked me if I wanted to get closer to the event as we heard the cheerleaders start everything off.

I shrugged at that. “I’m okay here.”

Logan smiled at me, and I felt relieved because it was true. Maybe I just needed to talk to him in a way that was normal for us to get rid of the tension I felt. So far, it was working well enough. It fucking figured that as soon as I felt the difference the one face that could ruin the moment showed up.

I tried. I’d been trying to get past the way I felt every time Nick looked at me. But that blatant hatred was becoming harder and harder to ignore. How could someone who smiled at me at every opportunity not so long ago look at me like that now? Hadn’t we done enough to each other? None of it had been intentional. Even as he walked by, Kim’s hand in his, I believed that. We’d been what we’d been, he and I. It was over before we ended it. Sad, yes. But also expected, I could see that now, and when it came to Nick and what we used to be, I couldn’t bring myself to nurse a broken heart over it. But the friendship, that was something to mourn, because I’d lost it. And there had been a friendship.

Maybe in a way, we were still tuned in to one another, because he noticed us almost immediately. He looked just as affronted to see me as he did every other time I saw him lately, and then he noticed who I was with. There was no denying the hostility that his gaze aimed at Logan. Logan, however, seemed unaffected, as if he’d expect nothing less. I didn’t have as much control, because when the accusing glare Nick shot my way hit me, I couldn’t help feeling hurt over it.

Surprisingly, I wasn’t as opposed to being caught with Logan as I thought I’d be. In part I think Kim’s presence had to do with that, but I think the bigger part was finally deciding that I wasn’t doing anything wrong. That led to feeling hurt and angry.

“How long has that been going on?” Logan asked, and I knew he meant Nick’s demeanor towards me more than the way he’d put his arm around his girlfriend.

I snorted. “How long do you think?”

“Jess...”

I looked at him, quickly feeling sorry for the aggression I heard in my own voice. “It’s not because of you,” I promised. “It has nothing to do with you. He’s just angry. I don’t really want to deal with it anymore.”

“Maybe you should talk to him,” Logan said quietly when I looked back at Nick and realized that I still had his attention.

I quickly shook my head, rejecting the idea. I wasn’t going to leave him sitting on the bleachers just so my ex-boyfriend could tell me I was stupid and then make out with his girlfriend in front of me. “No. I’m okay.”

But Nick wasn’t exactly going away, and Logan didn’t seem to have a problem acknowledging that. “You’re not okay,” he pointed out. “It’s bothering you, whatever’s going on.”

I’ll admit he didn’t have to be even the most perceptive person in the world to notice that.

My shoulders grew straighter when Nick suddenly said something to Kim, watched her walk off, and then turned and faced us from a distance, as if he was waiting for something--or at the very least attempting to show us he damn well knew we were there and didn’t like it.

Subtly, Logan’s shoe tapped at mine. “If you want to go talk, go--it’s not like we’re here together, Jesse.”

I turned to face him, frowning. No, we were just two friends sitting on the bleachers. But in a way, I was there with him. Whether Nick liked it or not, I was there with Logan. I even got why Nick was pissed off over it. What I didn’t get, was Logan’s passiveness even in the wake of so much of that hostility being aimed towards him.

“You don’t have to do that,” I told him. “I know you guys don’t like each other. I get it. And he’s not my boyfriend anymore, he’s...”

“Not being your friend, either,” Logan observed. “It’s bothering you.”

I frowned. “If I go over there...”

“I’ll be right here,” he cut me off, and then his dark eyes narrowed only slightly when he looked back in Nick’s direction. “And if you don’t go over there, he won’t be going anywhere.”

Logan sounded sure of himself. I guess he had his own experience to go off of, and as usual the thought made me uncomfortable.

“We could always walk away,” I suggested.

He smirked. “If that’s what you want to do, I’m good with it.”

Frustrated, I made a face. It’s not what I wanted to do. I wanted a confrontation with Nick. It’s not something I’d normally admit to. But what he was doing now... well, I couldn’t figure it out, really. I just knew that it had to stop.

Our friends felt the effect of the rift between us; I felt it, and Nick obviously felt it, too. I didn’t stand up to go to him particularly because I had something to say to him, but because it seemed like he had something to say to me. Maybe he was hurt, too. Maybe he needed to get it out. I could let him do that. I wasn’t fool enough to believe it would fix things between us, but I needed something, anything to happen that would make it better.

That’s why I didn’t understand why, when I was halfway to him, he suddenly turned and walked away.

Jerk. “Nick!” I shouted, hating that he was going to make me chase him. Made sense, though. He liked being chased. Liked me to put effort into it--at least, that’s how he always put it when we were together. It had been cute then. It wasn’t now.

I caught up to him, reached for his arm. He was quick to pull it away and set another accusing stare on me.

“What?” he demanded.

“What do you mean, what?” I retorted. “If you have something to say to me, say it. I can’t do this with you anymore.”

He shrugged. “Fine. Then don’t. Go back to your new boyfriend. Good luck with him. You’re going to need it.”

“He’s not my boyfriend,” I found it necessary to say. And out of curiosity, “What is that supposed to mean, anyway?”

“It means he’ll fuck around with you and then he’ll get bored,” Nick said casually, but then he looked me up and down, his expression cold. “Or maybe not. He’ll probably go for the whole hard-to-get act.”

My teeth ground together, and I forced myself to count backwards from ten. While he’d never said it to my face, I’d known for a while that Nick was ready to go places that I wasn’t when it came to our relationship. On occasion, I even suspected that he liked it best when I felt guilty about it, but throwing it in my face now seemed more unforgivable than normal.

“Exactly which one of us are you mad at?” I decided to ask. “Me or him? Because either way you’re full of shit, seeing how I have to watch you go straight at least twice a day with Kim.”

Nick crossed his arms defensively. “It’s not the same thing.”

“Why not? Because she’s a girl? Seriously, when you started seeing her did you really think we’d still end up together? I’d like to see you explain that one to Kim. Does she know we were supposed to be sharing you?”

Nick looked at me as if I’d lost my mind. He even went as far as outright laughing at me, flashing his crooked grin. “You were already out of the picture,” he said coldly.

Another deep breath. I really needed it. “Okay... then what is your deal? Why can’t we let this go? I’m sorry for whatever I did that has you this pissed off. Logan shouldn’t have anything to do with it, and since you obviously don’t miss being with me, either tell me what to do to fix this or knock it the fuck off!”

Nick shook his head. “You can’t fix it, Jesse.” I hated the way he said my name, like it made him sick. Names aren’t meant to sound like curses, especially not the ones that belong to people you’re supposed to care about. The way he said mine effectively set me off.

“Then maybe you need to fix it!” I snapped. “I don’t want to fight with you anymore. I can’t handle this shit, with you and the dirty looks, and...”

“What the fuck else is new?” Nick retorted, no less disgusted. “Why don’t you surprise me, Jesse. Tell me what you can handle.” He pointed a finger at me that I had a strong urge to grab hold of and bend in unnatural directions. “You don’t like the way I look at you, then don’t look back. Actually, why don’t you just stay as far away from me as you can. That might make it better.”

What I can handle?! Pfft.

I could have screamed. Maybe I even could have stomped my foot for good measure, I was feeling so frustrated. But all I did was stand there, fuming when he walked away again. That’s what I could handle. He was lucky about it, too, as badly as I wanted to go after him just then. But that would be giving him exactly what he wanted. I didn’t want to give him anything he wanted anymore. I was so done playing passive to his aggressive.

There was no more pretending that we were going to be friends. At least not anytime in the near future. He’d made that clear enough. I was out of the picture. I was ready to be angry now. Angry felt good.

A light brush of fingertips on my shoulder that withdrew quickly. I spun around, faced Logan. He looked no more happy than I felt. It was enough to remind me that my current anger was all directed towards Nick. Frustration. Sadness. None of it belonged to Logan, and whatever I was feeling, deflated right then and there.

“I’m okay,” I said quickly, before he could even ask.

Logan’s smile didn’t reach his eyes. “I don’t believe you.”

***

A bad mood is like a deep splinter. Sometimes a sterile needle only pushes it deeper, until the sting becomes a festering ache that’s only going to fade on its own terms.

And stop looking at me like that. Logan. I didn’t like him looking worried where I was concerned. I didn’t like him looking like he wanted to fix things, especially when it came to Nick. I couldn’t understand why Logan was so... understanding. It was beginning to annoy me. I wanted him to talk shit with me. Say how completely fucked up everything about my former boyfriend is. Say anything, for fuck’s sake, that’s going to help me be even more furious with Nick!

But not Logan. He wouldn’t do that for me. The worst part was that his seemingly utter understanding was for me.

So I couldn’t talk about what had happened face to face with Nick. I’m not sure I’d have any understanding of what that had been anyway, even if I could have brought myself to mention it.

I didn’t want to find my friends. I didn’t want to enjoy the end of the evening. We walked back to Lee’s car to wait for her there. It annoyed me even more, knowing that it could take a while.

“I shouldn’t have come,” Logan finally said, obviously unable to stand the silence. “You would have called me.” He said that last part jokingly. I almost smiled at it. Almost.

“It doesn’t matter,” I said quietly. “That was coming, anyway.”

“I made it worse.”

“I made it worse,” I corrected. “Nick helped.” I paused and regarded him seriously. “Why does he hate you so much? What happened with you?”

Logan shook his head., “It doesn’t matter.”

I didn’t agree, and I wasn’t in the mood for evasiveness. “Was it like this when you two broke up?” I pressed. “Did he have a girlfriend and act like it was your fault he started seeing her?”

Logan actually laughed. “No girlfriend. That’s new. Kind of out there, even for him.”

“Then what? Please, just tell me. I need things to make sense again. I’ve never seen him like this. I don’t like it.”

For a moment he couldn’t hide the frustration that flashed across his expression before it was replaced by sympathy. “What happened with Nick and I has nothing to do with this, or you. I probably do, though... Look, Jess, I know you care about him, and I’m not going to be the one to change that. I cared about him, too.”

“As in, used to?” I couldn’t help asking.

Logan gave a short nod. “I’m not his biggest fan these days, and I’m not going to lie to you about it--but regardless of how he and I feel about each other, you said that a friendship could still work for you and me. Did you mean it?”

“Yes,” I said quickly. “It’s just...”

“Maybe I shouldn’t have come here tonight,” Logan interrupted. “But if you did mean what you said, what we are can’t have anything to do with him. If you want to know why I didn’t work out with Nick I’ll tell you, but not until you ask me as a friend--not the guy who’s pissed at his ex and wants whatever dirt he can dig up.”

I think I would have been really offended by that, furious with him, even, for putting it that way, if he hadn’t been completely right. I didn’t even have anything to say for myself, really. What could I? I was tired of pretending that I wasn’t bothered by how things were going. I was tired of being at home. I was tired of having to split the time I had with my friends with Nick . I hated that having Logan anywhere near me because of all of this was uncomfortable. I wanted to be angry for a little while. I wanted to feel justified for it.

“I don’t really wanna be here anymore,” I murmured, turning away from him. It was as honest as I could get, short of adding that I’d never been more frustrated with Lee for not being in hearing distance so she’d know it was time to drive me away from there. I felt stranded, in the parking lot and in this mess.

Logan’s hands felt both cautious and firm when they landed on my shoulders. They lifted and dropped again, as if he were deciding if that was any place for them before he steered me away from our ride and finally fell into step beside me.

“I’ll walk you home. It’s not far from here, right?”

I looked at him like he was crazy, despite the way I was still moving forward. “I can walk by myself.” I didn’t say it because I didn’t want him around. More like, I didn’t want him to have to tolerate me like this a second more than he had to.

“I’ll walk you home,” he said again.

It was a long walk. Uncomfortably silent. When we reached my bronco and I gave him a ride home the drive was equally uncomfortable. Every so often I’d look his way and he’d have an expectancy in his expression, ready to hear anything I had to say, anything I needed to let go of. But he understood the silences, too, and it seemed to show in the short nod he gave me when we reached his house and he reached for the door.

Even knowing it would be better if he did, that’s when I realized that I didn’t want him to get out of the car. I’d reached for his wrist, caught it in my hand, and felt surprised when I followed his line of sight to the way my hand had managed to slip into his. I let go the moment before his fingers could curl around mine. “I’m sorry,” I said, forced myself to face him, and then said it again. “I’m sorry.” I couldn’t say what I was apologizing for. Too many reasons at the moment, I think, but I meant it.

Logan’s mouth twitched as he attempted to hide whatever he was feeling from me. Maybe it was better that way for now.

“Can I call you?” he asked.

I nodded slowly. “Yeah,” I replied, knowing that I wanted that despite my mood. “Soon, I think.”

He seemed appeased by that. “You can call me, too, Jess, if you need to talk.”

***

Things change. Sometimes those changes happen quickly, hardly noticeable unless you’re looking for them. Sometimes they’re slow and hard and the world feels effectively rocked, so to speak. I find that when change is in my own hands, when I’m the one who changes, by either choice or necessity, it’s easier to cope with. Sometimes it even feels right. It’s when stability and the things I know slip through my hands that’s a challenge. Still is, even when the pieces start fitting back together again.

I could look back over the last weeks on my guilty anger towards Luis. Anger because his arrival had changed everything. Anger over his refusal to bend to the way of things. Anger over his anger. Sometimes, I’d been angry just because he’d come back. It’s not something I admitted easily, and every time I caught the thought slipping into my mind I hated myself a little more.

But then there was change. A shift in the way things were, how I looked at the people around me. I had more appreciation for some people, while others created a deep disgust every time their names slipped past my lips, and hurt to think about. Just like it hurt to think about Luis on occasion. And Luis was the one in the middle of it, the one that seemed just out of sync with everything I considered normal. His brash outlook, tendency towards violence, and sometimes even his callous outlook on everyday things were what killed me the most about him. But somewhere along the time line, while everything changed, these had also become the things that drew me to him most. He wasn’t the boy who laughed and played in the mud anymore, the one who had no understanding of horrible things. He was something else. And he was still my friend.

I didn’t want Lee’s advice, Jarred and Gene’s comic musings or even Logan’s quiet understanding. Being around Luis was easier than all of that. If I spoke of my anger, torn feelings when it came to Nick or my life in general, he’d look at me like I was nothing more than the elephant overreacting to the mouse that had disrupted bath time. Deal with it. That’s what he’d always done. Whatever had happened to him had dealt that lesson out hard, and it occurred to me that he didn’t understand people, the way their feelings got in the way, the way they approached their problems. Sometimes I felt like I needed to learn something from him, even as I wanted to help him. It had an oddly calming effect on me, helped me feel reason even when I saw none. But sometimes what drew me to him was just an illusion. Things felt better around him because I was focused on helping him start over, and the need to do that exact thing myself was the furthest thing from my mind.

“Damn,” I remarked, my tone exaggerated when I walked into his room, late afternoon, and gave his formal wear and neatly combed hair a once over. “You look good... really good.”

Luis, either unaware of what a compliment was, or fearing that I’d meant it in a more than friendly manner, narrowed his eyes on me and looked positively offended as he tugged at his collar. “It itches.”

Brushing some lint off of my own jacket, I smiled at him, moved further into his room. “Your date will appreciate it. Trust me.”

His narrowed eyes became even narrower, turning into black slits. But that look quickly turned to something else. I read it as the closest to worry as Luis Yenka was capable of expressing. “Her name’s Amanda.” He said it like he was sure, but nervous uncertainty laced his voice.

“Very good,” I remarked, my tone teasing.

I got another dirty look as he brushed his fingers over his forehead, as if he missed the hair that usually hung there when it wasn’t so neat. “Do we have to go?”

“If we don’t, you get to explain to Lee why I stood her up.”

Luis crossed his arms. “That doesn’t mean I have to go.”

He’d been uncomfortable with the idea of the school dance all day long, just a little more than he’d been before. He would never admit to being nervous. I guess he didn’t have to when he matter-of-factly expressed how much he completely hated the idea.

“Yes you do,” I replied. “I need all the friendly faces I can get.”

After last night’s bonfire, I had no doubt in my mind that I’d see Nick tonight. I’d see him with Kim. After last night, I wasn’t sure I had the capability to take it gracefully anymore. Even if I could deal with him having a girlfriend, a new relationship, I didn’t want to see it. I didn’t want to deal with him. Preferably, I’d avoid him to the point of cowardice, but plans were set in motion and I’d been on more than one occasion threatened by bodily harm if I dared stand Lee up. Besides, I wouldn’t do it to her, anyway. Not for Nick.

“I don’t know why you think I’m going to be friendly,” Luis remarked. He was dead serious, but I smiled like I thought he was joking.

“Come on,” I said. “Mom’s going to want pictures before we leave. No avoiding it, and we’ve gotta go soon.”

Lee looked pretty. Luis noticed, but I was the one who told her. I would have told her anyway, because it was true and I knew it was what she wanted to hear, but in part I felt that I was teaching Luis. Maybe that was rather high and mighty of me, so was the way that on occasion I saw him as the child learning to take its first steps. Either way, he was perceptive enough to see it and the way he rolled his eyes at me suggested he didn’t like it--and he thought I was being a dumbass. I couldn’t find it in me to take it personally.

Luis was surprisingly polite when we stopped to pick up Amanda, though. I didn’t know her very well, but she seemed familiar enough with Lee, and I was sure she was a nice girl. Her parents seemed nice, too, wanting pictures. Luis was tolerant enough, but also regarded them suspiciously. I figured it was probably just his complex when it came to adults, or anyone for that matter, but then when they announced themselves as avid followers of his story and started asking questions, I felt like an idiot and reminded myself that Luis looked at people differently than most. I should have gotten him out of there the moment he felt uncomfortable. Lee was the one who ended up stepping in by telling them Luis wasn’t allowed to talk about anything, because of Brooks’ upcoming trial, and then she gracefully insisted we get going.

I found myself tossing apologetic glances in Luis’s direction on the way to school as I second-guessed my desire to help him readjust to normal life. Maybe it wasn’t my place, and I wasn’t being helpful if I couldn’t even pick out the situations that he shouldn’t have to walk into. Obviously, he wasn’t very fond of my attention on his social skills to begin with, but I think if anyone else was in his position they would have enjoyed watching me choke on my humble pie. Luis, on the other hand, took it as a challenge, as if I were doubting his capabilities and not my own intentions. He threw himself into reasonable conversation with Amanda, sticking to neutral topics and carefully changing them when she asked him something he didn’t want to answer. When he went through uneasy moments, Amanda didn’t notice the way that Lee and I did, but overall it wasn’t an unpleasant ride. I could have easily foregone the dance to spend the rest of the night with the three people buckled into the car with me. Given what happened when we reached the school, I probably should have.

Things fall apart too easily. There’s no such thing as a perfect evening. It started okay, though. I’ve had fun at school dances before. Obviously. Being at an event meant that I wasn’t at home. I’d decided that despite everything, I’d be okay at this one, too.

As interesting as I thought it would be to see Lee there with Luis, I couldn’t regret the fact that she was there with me. If she’d decided close to the last minute that she’d rather go with a friend than a date, I wasn’t going to complain about it. I think in many ways, it made it easier to simply hang out as we caught up with friends so she could show off her dress, and when she was occupied I’d found Jarred and Gene to occupy my time with. I wasn’t even all that bothered that Luis had gone off on his own with his date. Every so often I’d find myself looking for him, catching a glimpse of what looked like a rather uneventful date between him and Amanda, but at least he wasn’t running away from it, as far as I could tell. When I did happen to see my ex-boyfriend with his new girlfriend I managed to get as far away from it as possible. Unnoticed, which was key. But after Lee took a bathroom break and found me again, it became apparent that I might have felt unnoticed, but I wasn’t going to be unaffected.

One of the things I liked best about Lee was her ability to be honest, bluntly sometimes. But she was rarely overdramatic. When she was upset she’d let anyone know it. But when it came to Lee, she rarely cried about anything.

I knew something was wrong the moment she looked at me. No tears yet, but her eyes were uncharacteristically red, her nose pinched and the lines creasing her forehead didn’t seem to want to go away even as she fought them off. For a moment she looked like she wanted to turn and walk away from me, as if needing more time to compose herself, but I reached her before she could put too much thought into it.

“What’s wrong?” I asked.

She waved her hand, shaking her head. “Nothing. I’m fine. We should dance or something.”

I frowned at her when she stared at the other bodies moving not far from us. “Do you want to dance?”

She shrugged, her upset reaching the edges of her mouth as it turned down into a frown. “Not really.”

“Lee?”

She glanced at me briefly. “It’s nothing.”

I let out a breath and placed a hand on her shoulder. “Okay... so what did Nick say to you?”

It wasn’t just a lucky guess. For me, there was only one person there that could turn the night cold. It didn’t seem far-fetched to believe he’d affect the people I’d come with, too.

“He’s being such a bastard,” Lee said, dropping whatever façade she’d been attempting. “All I wanted was to say hi, ask him to dance for a minute.” She suddenly looked at me, her tone defensive, as if I would have objected to that. “I’m still trying to be his friend, too.”

“I know,” I said cautiously. The last thing I wanted was for her to decide I was a jerk, too.

“Well he doesn’t think so,” she snapped. “Now he’s mad at me, too. Apparently, it’s my fault you’re seeing Logan because I introduced you. He won’t believe you guys are just friends--and even if you weren’t it wouldn’t be any of his business. He actually said I sabotaged your relationship! Can you believe that? What did I do?”

According to Nick? Who knows, depending on the day. But somehow it didn’t seem appropriate to explain how he’d seemed jealous every time I hung out with her before Logan even entered the picture, that he needed as many scapegoats as he could find, because the more people he had to blame for a situation he didn’t like, the more he could get away without accepting any of the blame himself. Pointing that out wouldn’t help, anything.

“You didn’t do anything,” I assured her. “Like you said, he’s just being a bastard. Ignore him, okay?”

Lee shook her head again, as if she wanted to do just that, but didn’t feel capable of it. “He called me a bitch.” More outrage came through her voice over that detail.

“I don’t think he meant it, Lee.”

The look she flashed me had me backing up a step. “I don’t care whether or not he meant it! He’s out of line. I’m seriously sick of his attitude, and the worst part is that tomorrow he’s probably going to act like nothing happened, like we’re supposed to be fine. I want an apology, Jesse.”

“Sorry,” I said quickly.”

“Not from you!” she made a very strange growling sound and blew her bangs out of her face. “I don’t even want to be here. I don’t want to be in the same room as him.” She was suddenly looking around warily, as if he were about to walk up on her.

“We can go,” I said. I liked the idea, too. In all honestly, part of me felt almost happy that she was just as furious as I was when it came to Nick. That made me feel guilty because deep down I knew it wasn’t what I wanted. I felt like another fragment of our inner circle--the friends we were supposed to be forever--had just crumbled. More changes. Maybe Lee and Nick would make up, but something would still be different. We’d all been friends for a reason. I just wished that I could figure out what happened to that reason.

“What about Luis?” Lee asked.

She’d asked at an appropriate time, just as I spotted him standing comfortably on his own, watching those who passed by. Taking Lee’s hand in mine I led her towards him, walking at the pace she needed. It seemed that if she couldn’t calm completely with me, she was determined not to approach Luis with the negativity that was coming off of her in waves. I wondered if she knew he probably wouldn’t mind. Besides, hiding it from him didn’t work. Luis always noticed more than he let on. As it was, his gaze lingered over Lee’s reddened cheeks as we reached him. He didn’t ask what was going on, only regarded us expectantly.

“How do you feel about leaving early?” I asked, and then rolled my eyes at him when he gave me a look that clearly said I was asking stupid questions. “Right. So where’s Amanda? We should find her.”

“What for?” Luis asked.

“Because she came with us,” Lee replied, her tone impatient. “If she wants to stay longer I think I can find someone else to give her a ride.”

Luis shrugged. “Alright.”

He pointed a finger, and I followed it to where Amanda seemed to be enjoying homecoming, her smile making up for her clumsy feet on the dance floor, laughing with someone who wasn’t Luis. It was less than innocent.

I sighed, unable to stop myself from looking at Luis sympathetically. He shrugged it away. “I’m good with her finding her own ride,” he remarked.

“Oh, come on!" Lee snapped, too agitated to feel reasonable. She looked at Luis protectively. “Do you want me to say something to her?”

Luis looked alarmed. “Why would you do that?”

“Because that’s not right,” Lee stated, her voice raising, drawing attention. She waved a hand in Amanda’s direction, her expression growing darker. “I’m tired of people not being right.”

“Okay,” I said quickly, slipping a friendly arm around Lee to guide her out of there. Luis didn’t have to be asked to follow us as he moved to Lee’s other side and looked over her head at me, borderline curious but undecided on what to do about it.

“Are we going home?” Lee asked me. “I don’t want to go home.”

“We can go somewhere else,” I said, squeezing her shoulder as her eyes glazed over again. I wasn’t used to her being emotional, and I could only guess the way she was feeling. I bit at my lip over it, feeling responsible for it. Lee cared about her friends, and to lose one, even one that had turned into a complete jackass, like Nick, was a blow to her. I almost wanted to seek him out, set him straight. Wait. Too late for that. I shook my head at myself and picked up my pace, knowing well enough that I couldn’t talk to Nick.

I’d already tried, anyway, and I didn’t see how going to him, even on Lee’s behalf, would be any better.

The next forty minutes or so was spent in the school parking lot, debating what to do. Luis wanted to eat, but as soon as Lee said she wasn’t hungry he changed his mind. Normally if we weren’t at some event--like the dance we were missing--we’d be at Lee’s house, which she didn’t feel like being at. It crept into my mind to suggest dropping in on Logan, but I never said the words. I wanted to see him, but once again it didn’t seem appropriate. That bothered me, but I wasn’t ready to look at it too closely.

Becoming frustrated by Lee’s insistence that we do something, but refusing any and every suggestion, I drove around for a while. On occasion I’d spot Luis in the rear view mirror, eyes closed and head back. He looked more comfortable with no jacket and an unbuttoned collar. For a while I thought he’d decided it was time for napping. He probably had the right idea.

“Lee?” I finally said, trying to keep my tone gentle. “What if we walk around somewhere? Maybe...”

“No,” she was quick to decide. She was still fuming, also not like her. She hadn’t stopped staring out of the window for a while now.

“I know where we can go.” Luis had been so quiet that his voice startled me.

“Where?” Lee asked.

I glanced back at him, and didn’t have to do the same. I just went there.

***

I couldn’t help it. I laughed at the sight of Lee’s heavy skirt tucked into my oversized gym pants, her bare feet swallowed by the bottoms. She wasn’t very amused. Hadn’t been when I suggested she put them on to save her dress. She hadn’t been convinced they were clean until both Luis and I caved in and smelled them. Fabric softener. The kind that Chrissy used. I could always tell where my laundry had been done.

“Just shut up and help me,” Lee stated as she looked doubtfully over the garden, jagged shadows sticking up in the darkness. I didn’t have proper shoes for her to borrow, and she wasn’t even going to try to put hers back on.

“Alright,” I said, taking a quick glance at Luis. He’d been watching her with an interest that confirmed his earlier, small confession. He liked her. I was simply trying to give him the chance to act on that. Actually, as much as the idea of the two of them scared the shit out of me in some ways, I wouldn’t be against it. I couldn’t help thinking that if Luis had just asked Lee to go to homecoming with him we never would have ended up here.

But being Luis, he simply walked off towards the shed and climbed his way to our rooftop without us. Okay, so we could share it with Lee. Not that she necessarily wanted us to. I knelt down, allowing her to climb onto my back. As soon as I started standing I decided Luis would have had an easier time with the task. As thin as he was, even after filling out some over the last weeks, his height gave him an advantage. I wasn’t short by any standards, and Lee was smaller, but we fit together awkwardly, and in the dark I had I difficult time piggybacking her until she could grab hold of the ladder. She looked doubtful again..

“Are you sure this is safe?” she asked.

“No,” I said honestly.

She climbed, anyway. In part, I think she was curious. Luis wanted to come here, and I’d explained to her where here was the best I could. If I were with anyone besides him she would have told us we were stupid and asked to be taken home. I wasn’t looking forward to when she saw the top of the roof, and was wincing before I heard her squeal in disgust. I was only surprised that she didn’t come right back down, and that Luis’s shadow appeared to help her up the rest of the way.

I climbed upwards, finding that I wasn’t at all disappointed in where we were. It was quiet. The air was cool but not freezing. It was good air to think in. Or maybe, to not think at all. I put my jacket down so Lee would have a clean enough place to put her feet, and for a while we just talked. Not about Nick. Not about anything bothersome, really. When Lee was relaxed, which was most of the time, she was good at keeping a conversation alive. She could turn anything into a topic of interest, include everyone around her.

That night she talked a lot about me. Things we’d been up to since we’d met, stories about Izzy. She talked about things that felt safe to talk about. Luis listened. He always listened, but this time he didn’t hide it. That was different for him. A good thing. If I couldn’t get him to slip into the real world, do normal things, at least he was making progress there. We laughed a few times, and when he caught a large beetle of some sort Lee reached out with a shaking hand to pet it. Bugs weren’t really her thing.

When it got so dark that we couldn’t see the moon anymore Luis pulled a small flashlight on a key chain from his pocket. It didn’t look familiar and I hoped that he hadn’t pocketed it from somewhere. I didn’t really feel like asking as laughter settled into calmness.

It was almost too calm. Too relaxing. Too peaceful. There, with them, I didn’t have to think about anything that bothered me. I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to leave, but when Lee’s head dropped on my shoulder I knew that sleep was in order.

“We should get going,” I said quietly, not wanting to interrupt the peace I felt in that moment. “I don’t even know what time it is.”

Luis stood without saying a word. Lee suggested it was just plain late. It was even later by the time we got her off the roof. Looking down the ladder she’d suddenly decided she was afraid of heights. Luis wasn’t much help. He’d stood there laughing as she rambled on about how we should just throw her up a tent, maybe a few bagels come morning. But it was good to hear that, hear him laugh, hear him change. Even if it was just for a little while. With Luis, I never knew. But even if it was only for the last few hours--I could deal with that.

We dropped Lee off after she had a chance to straighten her hair and make sure there were no leaves stuck to her dress. She explained she had no intention of explaining to her parents what she’d been up to. They’d suspect the worst and my mom would be getting a call. Luis found that funny, too.

Now Lee was gone, home, in bed. It was quiet again by the time we reached my mom’s house. I cut the headlights before pulling into the driveway. The air seemed heavier somehow, claustrophobic almost. I wanted to be back on the rooftop, or even somewhere else, I guess. It wasn’t an uncommon feeling when it came to going home. Usually it was easily dismissed. But this time I noticed. Maybe I was just feeding off of Luis’s mood. He didn’t say so, but something had changed for him, too. I simply knew it. As I looked towards the dark windows of the house I wondered if he ever felt like he’d traded one bad situation for another, felt as trapped as I did by it. I wanted to tell him that Randy had probably gone to bed, that my mom wasn’t likely going to be waiting with a thousand questions about our evening in an attempt to make it easier for both of us to go in there. I was tired. I wanted to be in bed, asleep. Just like Lee. But Luis’s thoughts were elsewhere.

“What was wrong with Lee tonight?”

His question surprised me. He wasn’t known for taking an obvious interest in the troubles of others. I wished he would have chosen another time to do it, but as I cut the ignition I decided to answer him.

“Nick was jerk tonight. To her.”

I glanced sidelong at him, trying to read his reaction. I still had mixed feelings when it came to his history with Nick. I guess it was fair to say that the two of them turning up in the same thought made me nervous. But Luis only twitched his brow, as he always did when Nick came up, and he sounded calm and truly curious when he asked, “Do you think she’d want me to hit him?”

“No,” I said quickly, more amused than alarmed as I attempted to contain the laughter I suddenly felt. “Look... if you like her you don’t have to beat anyone up to ask her out, alright? Lee is... she’d probably say yes if you did. But you know, she makes a pretty good friend, too.”

“It has nothing to do with that,” Luis replied, almost offended. “I... never mind.”

I raised an eyebrow. “What?” I asked curiously, wanting him to continue.

He shook his head, the wall firmly back in place. I wouldn’t get anywhere else on the subject tonight and I knew it. But he wasn’t through as he suddenly nodded towards the house, his expression determined. “Can we wait a minute before going in there. I want to do something first--now.”

“Um... sure,” I agreed, and regarded him expectantly. He looked back at me in the same exact way. “Luis?... what did you want to do?”

“You have to help.”

I blinked at him. More surprises. The way he looked was so determined, defensive and challenging, even. It occurred to me that he’d come the closest that he was willing to get to ask for help with anything, and the thought was sobering. Maybe that was his mood. The air felt heavier. “Okay,” I said seriously. “Do you want to go...”

“Here’s fine,” he said quietly, his eyes downcast for a moment as he appeared to consider something. Finally, he lifted his foot onto the dashboard and pulled up his pant leg to retrieve the thin wallet he sometimes carried in his sock. The process of opening it and retrieving a folded up piece of paper that was tucked behind his school ID seemed to take an unnaturally long amount of time. Then, the process of unfolding that piece of paper began. It must have been folded a hundred times. A sheet torn from a notebook starting off at the size of a quarter. He straightened the creases carefully, stared at it for a long moment. Without warning he passed me the paper, and then the small flashlight that had shown us the way off the roof. “That’s what they’ll ask,” he said quietly. “I need to be able to answer them.”

I didn’t understand. Not until I held the light on the first of many questions etched into that creased page. I felt my stomach cramp, and my throat burned. I looked at Luis, his gaze out the window as he waited. I suddenly didn’t want to help him anymore. He could tell me to get out again. I wouldn’t mind. Liar. I took a deep breath, then another. I think the second helped my hand, the one holding the light, stop shaking. Or maybe that was simply the determination I summed up in an attempt to match his.

I sat back in my seat, wanting to be comfortable. But who could be comfortable?

I read the first question. “Do you remember what happened the night you first met Arthur Brooks?”