Leave the Pieces - 11. Blindsided

My eyes were tired as I allowed them to drift halfway closed until images became nothing more than a trick of the light. The backs of my knuckles on the cold glass of orange juice felt stiff, strong, as I slid the glass across the top of the table until I came to the end and it caught air. The sound of it shattering on tile made me jump and I found myself staring at three faces, looking at me as if I’d gone crazy. Randy looked irritated, my mom concerned, and Luis’s eyes were wide, as if he were waiting for a reaction that was more than simply surprise.

Breaking things felt good. No wonder Luis liked doing it, I mused, as I looked down at my handiwork, spilled juice seeping under my shoe. Controlled destruction. Maybe taking my frustrations out on a cup was better than alternatives. When all eyes turned silently in my direction, I wordlessly left my seat and knelt down to clean up the mess.

The tension at home had been too thick lately. My mom’s insistence that we all sit down for breakfast together on Saturday morning wasn’t exactly helping matters. She and Randy had been fighting a lot lately. If it wasn’t about Luis, it was about me, and whenever I came into contact with my stepfather I couldn’t quite keep my remarks to myself. But in my defense, neither could he, and I was pretty sure it was his job to be the adult here. The hostility that arose when it came to simple conversation like asking someone to take out the trash or announcing that someone would be going out for a while had come to be so stressful that it resulted in no one talking much at all. I think it became worse for me because Luis was no longer talking to me, either.

It’s not that he was any less friendly than usual, but he’d drawn the boundaries clearly. He wasn’t in the mood for normal conversation, or even to be in the same room as me or anyone else. Maybe I should have had more sympathy for it; after all, it had taken him three days to even meet my eyes again after he’d spent a night talking about Brooks. Talking, venting, whatever it was supposed to be called, was obviously something Luis wasn’t used to doing. It was like he needed to recover from it or something. Unfortunately I was having a difficult time coming up with the patience for it. I felt like I needed to recover, too, but that didn’t mean I was about to shut him out.

I reached for the larger pieces of glass on the floor first, and he surprised me when he was suddenly there with a trash bag, his face impassive as he helped. Surprised me enough that I stared at him for several long moments before daring to look up at my mom and Randy, wondering if anyone else was seeing this. Randy still looked annoyed as he went back to his paper. My mom smiled at me, but suddenly remembering to be frustrated with her, I didn’t return it and went back to cleaning.

“I’m going to Dad’s,” I announced. It had been the plan, I just felt someone should know I planned on doing it sooner than later.

“You have laundry that needs put away first,” my mom said as she stood from the table to clear it. Lately, she’d acted like I was hurting her feelings every time I headed over there. I decided it was another reason to be irritated with her. Like I’d want to stay here.

“I’ll get it,” I assured her. I didn’t want to make any remarks about how it was a small pile I could get to when I came back home. She’d only think of something else to stall me. I couldn’t let that happen today. I wanted out. I wanted breathing room. “Do you want to come?” I asked Luis the question before I could stop myself.

Hell. Well, it’s not like I didn’t want him to, anyway. I figured he could use some getting out, too. Of course, he might not want to do that with me, but maybe...

He looked up as if he were really considering it for a moment, and I found myself prepared to lure him right over the edge. Things felt so much lighter over at my dad’s house. We could both use that, and maybe it would be enough to inspire him to want to get out and do something. We could take one weekend, forget the reasons we had to be depressed... maybe I could find an appropriate time to talk to him. There were things I’d left unsaid the last time, things I wanted him to know.

“Luis has an appointment this afternoon,” my mom cut in.

I frowned. “It’s a weekend.” Stop being a killjoy.

“He has an appointment,” she repeated.

I took a glance at Luis, enough to decide that he’d rather be going with me, despite the way he was no longer giving the idea any consideration. “So I’ll bring him back for it,” I insisted.

“Stop talking back,” Randy warned.

“I’m not talking back to her,” I snapped at him. “I’m trying to...”

“Jesse, the answer is no,” my mom stated.

Not good enough. That frustration, the tension was mounting again. “Why?”

My mom pressed her lips together the way she tended to when she was counting backwards from ten, and I faced another warning look with a challenging one of my own. But it was Luis who was the deciding factor in all of it, at least where I was concerned.

“I’m not going,” he said.

I frowned, frustrated because I knew he wanted to go, angry because I knew it would be pointless to say anymore about it.

***

“You really don’t think she’ll notice this?” I asked as I drilled a large screw into the long cuts of cedar my dad was holding together.

“Nah,” he said optimistically. “We’ll just throw a tarp over it and tell her it’s a tent for now. The surprise part will come later.”

I shrugged. Izzie would have just as much fun in a tent as she would in the playhouse she’d been begging my dad to build her for months, ever since he brought home the lumber. We’d gotten it framed fairly quickly, but my dad was ready to give it a rest for the day, insisting we go out to lunch since Chrissy and my little sister were out spending the day together.

Just after noon we arrived at the diner that I only ever visited with my dad, probably because he was the only one I knew who could stand the greasy food, and I was the only one more interested in spending time with him than complaining about it. “Luis couldn’t make it today, then?” he asked as he shook his head over the way I dabbed my greasy hash browns with my napkin. “You know, you’re taking all the flavor out of them.”

“You can have it if you’re afraid it’ll go to waste.” I offered him the used napkin and he laughed at me. I managed to crack a smile and answered his question. “He’s busy with court stuff today.”

“On a weekend?”

I shrugged. “That’s what I said.”

“Well, maybe he can come by later. Chrissy said she found a good deal on an aquarium and thought of him--Izzie’s been asking us for a pet.”

I nodded. “Luis would like that, too.” I didn’t comment on the idea of him coming over later. My mom couldn’t stop me from being there, but when it came to Luis...

“What about you?” my dad asked.

“Huh?” I was having trouble paying attention, realizing I was still annoyed with being at home that morning.

My dad smiled at me. “Maybe we should get a dog or something. You and I can pick it out this afternoon if you want.”

“Um... shouldn’t you let Izzie do that?” I asked. “She’s the one who’ll be living with it.” I hadn’t asked for a puppy since I was ten.

“It doesn’t have to be like that,” my dad said quietly.

You know those raccoons that pick up a piece of food and don’t realize they’re in a trap until the door closes on them?

I shoveled eggs into my mouth, stalling for time as I carefully avoided my dad’s eyes. “I guess a dog would be cool. I’ll even help walk it, when I come over on the weekends.”

He sighed. “Jess...”

“Dad,” I replied, mimicking his exaggerated tone. “Can we... not talk about this right now?”

Honestly, I’d known it was coming. It had been coming the moment I knew he was fighting with my mom, but putting it out of my mind had seemed best, given that I had plenty of other problems to deal with. I hadn’t been ready to deal with this one. I still didn’t want to.

“No.”

What did he mean, no? My objection must have been written all over my face.

“I know I’ve always told you that you can come live with us anytime you’re ready for it,” my dad continued. “But I think now, it would be better for you. I want you to get your things together at your mom’s house. I took the whole weekend off. I can help move you tomorrow.”

The way he said it, it sounded as if the choice had been taken completely out of my hands. What a relief that would have been a few months ago. I could argue and bitch over it as much as I wanted, but the bottom line was, the idea of not having to see Randy’s face first thing in the morning put a happy tingle in my toes. But now was different. The very thought of being forced to leave my mom’s brought a feeling of dread that turned me cold. I wouldn’t just be leaving her. Not anymore.

“I want to stay where I am,” I said firmly. Deep down I knew my dad wouldn’t force me to do anything. Besides, even if he really wanted to it would never happen before a court case I doubted that he wanted, and I’d say the same thing there that I was telling him at the table.

“Why?”

“Why?” I repeated, not expecting the question. “Because I’m... settled. I like how things are now, and...” Luis trusts me. It would feel presumptuous to say that he’d care if I moved out of the house, but I was sure that he at the very least trusted me. I knew things now. He’d told me, no one else. He saw himself as alone, and I wasn’t going to help him out with that theory by leaving now.

“I doubt that,” my dad remarked, and regarded me seriously. “Why are you doing this, Jess?”

I frowned, not in the mood for his persistence. “Please just...”

“I can’t. I can’t just leave it alone anymore. Not when you show up and sleep for a week because of what’s going on over there. I want you to take a break from it.”

“That wasn’t just because of what was going on at home,” I snapped. “I was dealing with...”

He raised an eyebrow, waiting to hear me out.

I sighed. “Things are going better with Luis, anyway, and...”

“And?” my dad pressed when I stopped.

I sulked. I wouldn’t speak badly of my mother, we both knew that. But we both also knew that I’d rather chew glass than compliment Randy’s behavior. It felt unfair that my dad would press the issue now--even if he hadn’t said it, that’s what he was doing--considering that he tried not to bring my stepfather up at any other given time out of politeness. Or, maybe it was because he knew it wouldn’t make a difference.

“And... I’m not moving out,” I concluded.

My dad narrowed his eyes, and I forced myself to meet them. Finally, he relented; I read it in his expression, and there was relief. But that didn’t mean he was finished. Sounding exasperated, he asked, “How long before he pushes you over the edge, Jess?”

“You’ll be the first to know,” I assured him. “But... I’m fine, Dad. I promise. Mom married him--I’m sure she had a reason for that.”

My dad snorted, and my eyes widened on him. “Aren’t you supposed to feed me some line about how I need to respect my elders or something?” I asked. “Even Randy?”

My dad didn’t look amused. “I don’t like the way he talks to you.”

He didn’t like the way Randy talked about me. My dad wasn’t around to see Randy and I relate to each other, but I was touched that he’d still want to keep an eye on it, and it was much nicer than the way my mom was constantly siding with my stepfather.

“I can handle that, too.” I insisted.

“But you’d tell me if you couldn’t, right?”

I forced a smiled at him. “Yeah. Of course.”

He raised a skeptical eyebrow that caused me to roll my eyes outright.

“I’m not lying to you,” I insisted. “It’s not like I’m saying Randy’s my best friend or something. I hate him. I really, really, do,” I added when my dad frowned, likely at my use of such a strong word. “But honestly, he’s been the last thing on my mind lately... and I don’t want to move.”

“What’s the first?” my dad asked, taking me off guard. I figured he’d jump right back on that not wanting to move thing.

“What do you mean?” I asked.

He placed his elbows on the table around his breakfast and leaned towards me, interested. “What’s the first thing on your mind?”

I blinked, having to think about it for a minute, despite the fact that the answer came quickly. “Luis has been getting out more... changing.”

My tone was happy, but I imagine my expression wasn’t. “And?” my dad asked.

“And he’s going to testify against Arthur Brooks.”

My father nodded. “Sounds like that bothers you.”

I took a few more bites of my food, stalling as I considered the right words. “No one understands him,” I said quietly. “Luis... He got hurt, so bad... and no one else should have a right to complain, about anything.”

A calculating look crossed my dad’s face before he chose his next words. “What happened to Luis shouldn’t happen to anyone. To any child--if it had been you....” He fell silent and stared at me, the minor expressions crossing his face hinting at what could have been before he swallowed hard and averted his eyes. “But we can’t change what happened, Jess. No one could... I just hope... you’re not thinking otherwise.” He gave me a look that suggested he’d just pinpointed the very reason why I wasn’t at my mom’s and packing my bags that very moment. He would be correct.

“No one’s been there for him,” I said quietly. “No one. And the really sad thing is, he doesn’t expect it. He doesn’t even understand why anyone would want to stand next to him, but he’s still going to testify because it’s the right thing to do. It’s going to hurt him... maybe as much as... he shouldn’t be hurt like that again. I don’t know if I could deal with him being hurt like that again.”

And there it was. The selfishness of me. But I meant it. Luis taking anymore of whatever shit life had dealt him was unacceptable to me. I’d sooner throw myself under a bus than know it was going to happen despite whatever wasn’t in my power to do about it. Because it simply wouldn’t be fair. I was tired of everything that wasn’t fair. I wanted to draw the line at Luis, damn what the universe had to say about it. Damn what Luis had to say about it.

Such big emotions, everything about it was so big, and my dad, he smiled.

“What?” I demanded.

“I was just thinking, that regardless of how your mother and I feel about each other, at least you came out okay.”

I raised an eyebrow at that, and he shook his head at me.

“It’ll be okay, Jess,” he said, and in that moment, I believed him. “Maybe... did you ever think that maybe Luis can handle more than you’re giving him credit for? And obviously, he’s not alone. Just remember that you’re not, either, okay?”

I nodded slowly. “Okay.”

“Good. So are you sure he won’t make it to dinner?”

I shrugged regretfully. “Pretty sure.”

“Well what about Nick? it’s been a while since we’ve had a house full of kids.”

The mention of Nick had my mood dropping a few degrees, and I only hoped that I managed to hide it well enough before my dad could see it. “I think he’s busy,” I replied. “But maybe I’ll invite someone else, if that’s alright.”

My dad smiled. “Of course it is. Whatever you want.”

Whatever I want. I squashed the urge to laugh.

***

I wanted... I wanted... I wanted a lot of things, damn it. I wanted to wake up happy in the morning, and knowing that left me feeling disappointed after the conversation with my father, and more than a little angry over the situation. I think the worst part was that I had a choice. I’d always known it, but to have it waved in my face and not taking it forced me to admit that my situation was of my own making. I resented a lot of things for that. Randy was the first on my list but my mom a close second. Even Luis. I think I hated that I couldn’t leave him alone there. My only consolation was knowing that I’d hate myself more if I did. And such was life.

I stood in front of Logan’s front door wanting more things. I wanted exposure to his easy smile, the familiar smell of damp soil and clean linen from his bedroom, and other things that I didn’t yet have the energy to look at more closely. But mostly I wanted the friendship back that I’d been so grateful for not so long ago. Lately I felt like I’d been losing that, too. It would have been nice to go back, to before I was forced to see him in a different way. Sometimes I wondered if everything about him had been so refreshing because he’d had no connection to anything in my life, past or present. There’d been no complications, nothing to think too much about. Maybe it was his fault for being honest with me. Maybe it was mine for caring about who’d met him before I had, for feeling that it should still matter now.

He looked surprised to see me when he opened the door. We’d last left things that he’d call me. He hadn’t. I don’t think I’d ever intended to wait for him to. Somehow I think he would have, though, even seeing how forced the way he smiled, looking happy enough to see me, seemed to be.

“Can I come in?” I asked.

I hadn’t intended to. I was just stopping by. A quick invitation, leave the rest to him. But then doing so suddenly didn’t feel like enough. I didn’t want him to force anything about being happy to see me. Of course, given my mood the last few times I’d seen him, I figured I had plenty of work to do.

Stepping aside, Logan waved me in. No hesitation there, at least. He was beginning to look less surprised and more curious. As he closed the front door behind me a strange look crossed his face, mixed between apologetic and defensive. “I was going to call,” he said. “I just figured you were busy.”

I couldn’t help breaking a smile over that. It felt nice.

“I know it probably seems like I keep blowing you off, Logan,” I replied. “All the time.”

He didn’t rush to disagree with me, but responded with a careless shrug. “You’ve had a lot going on.”

I didn’t want to talk about what I’d had going on, and decided it was time to change the subject. “I’m staying at my dad’s tonight. We usually do dinner or something. Do you wanna come over? I can pick you up later if you’re busy now.”

Again, it was surprise that registered with him, and then a sudden caution that I didn’t much care for.

“Um...”

I tried to smile. “I thought we could hang out afterwards. Do something.”

“Do something,” he repeated. “I mean... we should definitely hang out... sometime. Maybe when you’re...”

“I won’t act like a basket case,” I promised, and won a smile.

“I don’t think you’re a basket-case. It’s just... are you sure? I mean... sometimes... and I could be wrong here, but... it doesn’t always seem like it’s easy for you to be around me, and if you still have things to sort out...”

“Me and Nick are over,” I said easily, because it had been easier every day. “And it has nothing to do with you... and I know I shouldn’t care what he thinks about me being around you. I’m not looking for you to be mad at him with me, either, and just because you were with him, too... it doesn’t mean we can’t be friends... does it?” I couldn’t quite remove all the uncertainty from my voice in that last bit. But something I’d said seemed to have put him at ease.

“No,” he agreed. “It doesn’t.”

I tried another smile. “So will you come?”

He took a long moment to think about it, but he didn’t seem to be wondering what the best response for himself would be, rather, I got the feeling he was giving me a chance to back out of the invitation. I must have really been a jerk. Either that or Logan was more patient than what was natural for any human being. “Yeah,” he finally said, the expression in his eyes growing lighter. “And I can meet you over there in a few hours--that okay?”

“You remember where my dad’s is?”

Logan smiled. “I remember.”

“Then that’s fine,” I agreed, making my way back to the door, already regretting that I didn’t have the guts to figure out what he was up to until then and invite myself into his plans.

***

No one answered the phone when I called my mom’s house. One last attempt at breaking Luis out. At least, that’s what I felt the situation needed. I’d go home early. Tomorrow morning, probably. I’d crawl around the backyard looking for a snake we likely wouldn’t find, and I wouldn’t ask him about the heavier things laying on his mind because he would offhandedly comment on them if I gave him enough time to do so. Unlike so many other things he’d become somewhat predictable. Strange to think it, given he was always surprising me, but true, nonetheless. Maybe it was because I understood him better, I don’t know. I kept finding myself wanting to discuss it with someone, but didn’t feel I had the right.

But Luis wouldn’t come tonight. Tonight...

I was surprisingly pleased with things, once I got over wondering if Logan would really show up. As soon as he was there I realized there was no reason for doubt, because he was Logan, after all. And he walked into any situation as positive as one person could be. He’d only met my dad once, and then had been promptly directed to my room, everyone hoping he’d be the final straw in dragging my sorry ass out of bed. Maybe that had only been for a couple of seconds, but it quickly became apparent that he’d left a good impression with everyone.

My dad and Chrissy had always been welcoming of my friends. In fact, more often than not Chrissy took it as an insult if I didn’t invite at least one of them over for at least one of the few dinners a week that I spent with them. Sometimes I suspected that it had a lot to do with their knowing that at my mom’s it was a very different situation. They were no different in accepting Logan. I paid attention to him a lot over those few hours, even when he was entirely oblivious to it. He was patient with Izzie, who was in one of her rare foul moods that Chrissy mentioned could be coming from the first signs of a cold. He looked my dad in the eye when he spoke to him, which I’d only ever seen Lee do. I was the last who would say my dad was unapproachable, but every so often I noticed my friends intimidated by him, and when Chrissy ran around making sure all of the chores were done wanting none of Logan’s offered help he looked absolutely lost until she took pity and let him help clear the table when we were done eating. Naturally, my dad and I jumped right on the bandwagon, no intention of being outdone in the manners department.

“So is it like this at your mom’s?” Logan asked, leaning against the doorframe as I moved through old boxes in my closet in search of a sweater I swore I’d left over there at some point. Izzie had just finished up a tantrum, demanding that I read her a book until the moment I picked one up... then she wanted her mom to do it. The last I’d seen Logan he was on the phone with his mom, checking in.

I looked over my shoulder at him for a moment before making a face. “On my nights with my mom we should hang out at your place.”

I don’t know if it was my remark or the idea of seeing more of each other that made him smile. I knew which one made me return it.

“You still up for doing something?” he asked me, changing the subject. I was good with that.

“Yeah,” I said quickly. “My dad’ll be in bed soon.”

Logan raised a sandy blond eyebrow. “You have to sneak out?” He sounded more interested than disapproving.

I laughed. “No. They’ll even leave a door open for me, in case I forget my key. I just usually say goodnight, is all. How late can you stay out?”

Logan shrugged. “Till whenever.”

I liked the prospect. Within minutes we’d decided that we were lazy enough to sit in a movie theater for a few hours. Without my family there as a buffer I quickly discovered that things felt as relaxed with Logan as they always should have been, leading me to believe that when they hadn’t been it was my fault. He was easy to talk to, easy to listen to, and once again I found myself learning of reptile species I’d never heard of when I hit a topic that interested him. I told him a little about homecoming, but didn’t mention Nick. I also made a point not to talk about anything that wasn’t positive, so when he asked after Luis I quickly explained my friend’s idea of dating girls and my suspicion about his crush on Lee, all of which Logan seemed to find amusing.

“Does she know?” he asked when we’d reached the theater and were on our way in.

“I’m not brave enough to ask her,” I admitted, and Logan laughed at that, too.

“She’s picky,” Logan commented.

I shrugged. “I guess I’ve never seen her really into someone.”

“Exactly.”

I smiled. “Right. So do you think Luis stands a chance?”

“I couldn’t tell you. I think it’s up to him.”

I didn’t want to comment on that, and found myself watching Logan again as we debated what movie to see. I wasn’t really paying attention to the options so as soon as he suggested something I agreed.

He’d cut his hair. Just a little bit, but enough to notice, and when he was thinking something over he chewed at his lower lip. Completely at ease. Comfortable again. I didn’t ever want to see him go back to the night he’d shown up at my school’s bonfire. I never wanted to see him wishing he were somewhere, twenty miles at a minimum, away from me. He caught me watching, pondering, and his brow lifted in question.

I smiled at him. “You know Lee pretty well--is the reason why you stopped hanging out with her because of Nick?”

Okay, I sucked at letting sleeping dogs lie. But I couldn’t help myself, and honestly, my question didn’t have anything to do with a need to know everything about Nick. I wanted to know Logan, the Logan I hadn’t really met until recently. Still, though, I couldn’t quite blame him when my question seemed to put him on guard.

“I worked a lot this summer,” he hedged.

“She says you never called her, either.”

“I’m not a big talker on the phone.”

“Oh.” He hadn’t sounded very defensive, but I decided to let my questions drop there. It was obvious that he wasn’t interested in talking about it, so I was surprised when we reached the line for our tickets and he gave me a measuring glance before sliding his hands into his pockets and sidestepped a little closer to me.

“I couldn’t stand to be near him... afterwards,” Logan quietly confessed. “And then he had you, and I didn’t even want to risk running into him--or you. With you.”

I felt a pang of guilt over that, but didn’t really want to know how soon after Logan Nick had found me. “Sorry.”

“It’s not your fault,” he said, sounding almost amused. “I... probably could’ve made more of an effort. Lee would tell you that.”

I thought to ask him why he didn’t, but decided against it. Obviously whatever had happened between him and Nick was enough to drive him away from his friends, like Lee. It seemed clear that he’d been hurt, and that bothered me on more than one level. Given what I was going through with Nick currently, I felt sympathetic. As far as the past was concerned, I was torn. I couldn’t say that I regretted Nick. Being with him. At one point he was what made me wake up happy. Looking back I felt that it had been best in the beginning, when it was all new. When I believed he wasn’t capable of hurting anyone or anything. I still felt warmed at the thought of it. But had it been true? I imagined his new girlfriend felt that way about him now. And when Logan had been me... well, as he’d said himself, it wasn’t the same. But maybe part of that hurt he’d felt was my doing, despite the fact that I’d never known. And he didn’t begrudge me for it. He liked me, I thought somewhat in awe of the situation as I stole another glance at him.

I couldn’t help wondering what things would have been like if I’d met Logan first. I wondered if we’d still be where we were right now, juggling popcorn and walking into a theater. Or maybe I’d be here alone, because he’d be one more person in my life suddenly lost to me. I didn’t care for that last idea very much.

I didn’t want anymore losses on my record, I realized. Nick had left me, and maybe not just for someone else. He’d left me long before because he needed something I couldn’t give him. Before him my mom left me because she was lonely, and before that there was Luis, who gave me my first lesson when it came to losing what was meaningful. Maybe Luis would come back to me, maybe they all would, but like Luis, nothing would ever be the same. I didn’t want things to change with Logan. But he liked me. And that perfect, wonderful thought was suddenly a problem. The problem was, I liked him right back, and as we walked down the dark tunnel towards the door to our theater, I knew that if I let that be as true as it felt things would change.

“Are you alright?” Logan suddenly asked. He sounded alarmed. Even under the dim lighting, I supposed I wore my thoughts on my face.

“Yeah,” I said quickly. “I was just thinking...” I left the thought unfinished, unsure what I wanted to tell him. Sometimes, in moments like this, I felt like I was falling apart, standing in the same place while everything around me changed. It wasn’t exactly the epitome of normality, and tonight that’s what I was determined to show him. I could be normal. A normal friend.

But Logan looked thoughtful. “When I found out he was with someone--you,” he said quietly, his tone suggesting that he was telling me exactly what I’d been curious about, “I couldn’t stand him anymore. For me, everything with Nick was one drama after another. He picked fights when he felt like seeing me angry, and I don’t play the hot and cold game all that well... He’d wait until we were with other people, like Lee, and by the time we left I’d feel ugly inside, because I wasn’t just showing him that I could get angry, it was everyone... and I didn’t like me when I was with him. I know it now. Didn’t then. Is here good?” he suddenly asked as we paused by a row of empty seats.

“Um... sure.” It had taken me a moment to understand before I led the way down the row of folded seats. Once I chose one I found myself watching Logan as he arranged his drink and made himself comfortable. I waited for him to continue. When he didn’t, I wondered if he remembered that he’d been saying anything at all.

“It wasn’t like that for me,” I said aloud, though was thinking it more to myself.

He smiled at me. “I know... I think that’s what bothered me. I heard things, before I ever met you, every once in a while, when I did talk to Lee. I think that’s what ticked me off the most. I couldn’t figure out why it was so different for him with you. It was hard... not to care for a while. But I care now, and I’m sorry you get to be the one who’s upset now.”

“It was going to happen eventually,” I said honestly, knowing my words were true as I spoke them. “I think with Nick... I miss being his friend, you know?”

Logan looked amused. “He was never my friend, Jess.”

“Oh.”

I wondered if I was the only one experiencing the awkwardness in the silence of the next few moments as I considered that confession. Suddenly grateful for the dim lighting, I ran my cool hand over my warm face. Logan wasn’t bragging on any level, at least I heard nothing like it in his voice, but if their relationship had been so different from the one I had with Nick, maybe it explained some of what Nick had expected from me. Some of it I’d never given him. Was that the difference? Nick had once jokingly called me a prude. I didn’t see myself as one, though I never found it necessary to get as physical as he’d wanted to. I never thought he’d really minded. Hell, maybe that’s what had kept us from fighting the way he had with Logan. He was still trying to be nice enough to work his way further down my pants. Out of nowhere, the thought produced the urge to laugh outright, an urge I quickly squashed.

“I hear this is supposed to be pretty good,” Logan suddenly commented about the movie, effectively changing the subject.

“Yeah,” I replied, though I couldn’t remember what we were about to see.

“I hope the previews are good, too.” he said.

“Previews?” I repeated.

“Yeah,” he said. “Best part of a movie.”

I found myself smiling at that, knowing he’d think so. Then I jumped when an arm suddenly draped over my shoulder from behind.

It wasn’t Logan’s.

“Hey. What’re you guys up to?”

Hearing Jarred’s familiar voice, I looked up into his shadowed face, surprised.

“Um...” I started.

“Hey, Logan,” Jarred said.

Logan gave him a friendly nod as the previews he’d been looking forward to began. Jarred was suddenly looking between the two of us, an odd expression on his face. “So, are you guys on a date or something?” he finally decided to ask. I never claimed that he was the one of my friends who had the most tact.

I found myself freezing up at the question. And how I reacted to it. So what if it was? Logan was suddenly looking at me, and I was no longer the only one feeling awkwardness. So what if it was? Nick was gone. People left me all the time, or they changed. But how could I regret? Not Nick, not the memory of my mom before Randy and certainly not Luis, not then and not now. That change, the kind that threatened to destroy me every other day would come regardless of what I did. Not every moment was a bad one. I had to believe that because I was still standing. I was sitting there with a guy I liked, and whether or not anything came of it didn’t seem to matter as much as taking a chance to care for another person who could potentially leave. Change. I had Logan’s friendship now. It was up to me to take more than that later and I knew it, even if it could blow up in my face. Not taking it could blow up in my face, I realized when I read uneasiness his eyes. Maybe he was just as uncertain as I was when it came to his feelings. Knowing it brought me a strange sense of comfort rather than dread. So what if it was a date? So what if no one liked it? If I could be ready for that...

“We’re...” I heard myself say, but never finished because I didn’t know how to. I didn’t know if I’d wake up in the morning wanting the same thing I wanted in that moment because I was inconsistent, and confused, and maybe just a little irrational. Basket case came to mind. Logan wouldn’t hold that against me.

Because even if he’d eventually only accept more than it, for the time being he was my friend, and he simply knew. Smiling, he looked at Jarred and replied with words I momentarily forgot how to use. “Not this time.”

Easy as pie.

Jarred shrugged a nonchalant shoulder. “Okay,” he said, and then with complete disregard for anyone else in the theater whistled loudly over his shoulder. “Gene, come on! They’re cool if we sit with them.”

I gave up on trying to hide the sporadic laughter that bubbled on occasion, and I spent a few hours with Logan among the friends I’d wanted him to meet before I ever started wondering if it would even be possible.

***

I bit back a yawn, not caring so much that I was tired. Sometimes being sleepy could create a sense of goofiness, and I hadn’t grown tired of laughing all night. There were plenty of reasons to laugh, after all; watching the sugar gliders wreak havoc in Logan’s room not at all the least of them.

I think it had grown a lot later than either of us had planned. The movie must not have been as good as expected because truth be told, I remembered none of it, nor would I by tomorrow. But the night had been great. We’d made our way across blocks on foot with Jarred and Gene. There was no destination. There rarely was with those two. When we ran into people from my school we stopped and talked for a while--another Jarred and Gene habit--and we all found ourselves brave enough to order food from a taco stand that had been the topic of some not-so-flattering rumors lately before Jarred realized he was missing his phone and we backtracked for the next few hours, only to discover it had been in the side pocket of his jeans the whole time.

But it was fun, and for me, anyway, much needed.

Logan. I liked him at ease. I couldn’t tell if he was less tense throughout this particular social situation because I was, or if it was because we never once ran into or brought up Nick. Jarred and Gene treated him as if they hung out every day, and I couldn’t help wondering if he’d once been as friendly with them as he had been with Lee. I didn’t ask. Maybe I would later, but not then. I was too grateful to experience the situation as it was, and found myself careful not to interfere in it by bringing up reminders of the past.

It was nearly one in the morning by the time we said goodbye to Gene and Jarred, and by then I was grateful that Logan had followed me to the theater in his mom’s car. Otherwise, I might not have agreed when he asked if I wanted to go to his house for a while.

We’d moved in quietly enough, conscious of his sleeping family, but as soon as I nearly tripped over a recliner it was a challenge to smother giggles that grew more challenging when he guided my hand to his shoulder and then promptly walked me into a wall. I found myself holding onto him regardless of his misguided directions, and when we reached his room safely he closed the door with a soft click before turning to face me, an awkward moment of silence coming over us before I realized the cause was my still holding onto his arm. I lost eye contact quickly and let go. He smoothly moved into his room to check on his pets, inviting me along with him.

It seemed like we spent a long time talking, jumping from one topic to another where we sat settled on his floor until Logan brought a fist to his mouth, hiding a yawn. I smiled at the gesture, probably more interested than necessary over how it made his cheeks turn red. Then we laughed when one of the gliders chose that moment to become imbedded in his wavy hair. He plucked her out carefully, rolling his eyes.

“That’s it,” he told it as he looked around for the other one. “Back home for the both of you.”

The words sobered me as I glanced at his clock. “Me too,” I said, and when he looked up at me, I explained. “I should get going. It keeps getting later.” I said the last part grudgingly, as if I expected otherwise.

Logan smiled at me. “You could stay.”

I could stay. Note to self: Edit your thoughts! And maybe Logan’s, too, if you ever get around to growing superpowers.

I couldn’t have had a better night. For the most part I’d been at ease, but I wasn’t going to pretend that every moment between us was innocent. I caught myself returning a few pointed looks, wondering if he was wondering when we could get around to next time, which might not be a not this time.

“I’ve gotta go.” Because I had to. Because I didn’t trust me not to be a complete dumbass if I woke up with him in the morning. Wouldn’t be the first time, after all. I needed to trust me, wanted to, so he could too.

But sorting out things with Logan had just moved up on my to do list, and meanwhile I’d had the best night I had in a while, and as he walked me to the front door with less mishap than coming through it, I wanted him to know it.

“I can call you tomorrow,” I said.

“Um... sure.”

He was skeptical again. I didn’t feel I had a right to mind it. “If you’re not working. Are you?” I asked.

“Nope.”

“Then I’ll call. That’s okay, right?”

A slow smile crept over his mouth. “Yeah. That’s alright.”

“We should do something,” I continued, not wanting to leave until I had something more concrete than pushing buttons on a phone.

“That’s alright, too.”

I smiled. “Good.”

Because even if he looked more hopeful than optimistic, I wanted more nights like this ands was determined to make them happen. One day he wouldn’t look at me like he thought I would blow him off at any given moment. That, at least, I felt I could trust. Sooner or later, he would, too.

***

I slept in the next morning and spent what was left of it with Izzie while my dad and Chrissy went out to a breakfast for two. My idea. I was feeling extremely upbeat. Surprisingly, the feeling followed me home when they got back and I decided to go check in on Luis.

He was sitting on the front porch, his gaze becoming more alert as I parked in the driveway and got out of my car. “Next time, you should come,” were the first words out of my mouth before I cheerfully took a seat next to him. When he didn’t comment, I smiled. “You can tell my mom no every once in a while. I’ll demonstrate sometime.” Still nothing. “I had a good night,” I added, just in case he didn’t know.

“Then you should probably go back to whatever you were doing,” he remarked.

I didn’t take offense, because he wasn’t blowing me off. Instead there was an underlying warning in his tone that made my smile fade.

“What’s wrong?” I asked.

Luis reached into his pocket and pulled out more than the cash the covered his lunch at school. “Your mom gave me this an hour ago and told me I should go find something fun to do.”

That got my attention. “Seriously?”

I suppose there were two things to note about that announcement. The first was that it was obvious, to me, at least, there was no thrill about buying things to Luis unless the five finger discount was an option. The second was that my mom never would have suggested it for that very reason if something big and probably terrible wasn’t afoot.

I glanced over my shoulder at the front door, and despite the fact that it was closed, lowered my voice when I asked, “What’s going on in there?”

Luis looked at me. “It’s about you. Don’t know what, but you should probably head back to your dad’s.”

I found myself wracking my brain, trying to think of any offenses I could have gotten caught for over the last few days. I’d been too depressed to plan anything diabolical against Randy, so that couldn’t be it, unless he’d made something up, which I wouldn’t put past him. As far as my mom was concerned I’d made a point to stay out of her hair, so I didn’t have a clue as to what could have upset the parental units.

I considered Luis’s advice only briefly before I decided that whatever it was, I wanted it over with now. Standing, I turned to the door to find Luis right beside me, looking uncertain, and more than a little on edge. I tried to smile at him. “Hey, you can wait out here, or if you want I can call Lee real quick and have her pick you up for a while.”

Like he needed my problems on top of his own. But seriously, just the fact that he’d silently offer to walk in there with me was touching, considering who it was coming from. But Luis shook his head, suddenly looking as determined as I felt. My dad was right. I wasn’t alone, either.

I shrugged, and suddenly feeling the need to make light of things said, “So if I’m not grounded for some really stupid reason, do you want to go do something? Maybe with Logan.”

Luis didn’t answer, obviously reserving any plans for after he faced whatever he didn’t trust on the other side of the door. Sighing, I opened it and did my best to walk in as if nothing was wrong.

“Mom,” I called when she wasn’t directly on the other side of the door as I’d almost expected her to be.

“Jess?” she called back from the kitchen, her tone somewhat excited, and not necessarily in a good way.

I glanced briefly at Luis, suddenly glad he was with me as I moved in her direction until I came to a stop when I faced her and Randy. She looked like she had just stood up from the table, her hands strangling each other as she looked me over with something unfamiliar in her eyes. Randy was looking at me like I’d sprouted a tail. Something wasn’t right. They weren’t right. Right then I very strongly wanted to know why they were looking at me as if they didn’t know me at all.

“What’s going on?” I asked carefully, no longer pretending that all was well.

I watched my mom swallow, let out a breath she’d been holding. Her eyes went to Luis. “Luis, maybe you could...”

“He’s okay,” I cut her off. “What’s going on.”

My mom frowned, but miraculously decided not to argue. “Jess, Nick called here today, he said he was worried about you... I’d like you to sit down and talk to us about a few things.” She gestured to the table where Randy was still seated, still staring.

“Talk about what?” I demanded, not liking this even more from the moment Nick’s name was mentioned.

My mom seemed unsure how to answer. Randy had no problem doing it for her. “What’s there to talk about?” he blurted. “The boy’s as queer as they come!” He crossed his arms, scowled at me. “You know, it explains a lot.”

I heard my mom scolding him, but didn’t pay attention to what she was saying. My ears were still ringing, trying to sort through what Randy had said, trying to remember the last time I’d heard the word queer used in conversation. But none of it made sense, because this wasn’t happening. Couldn’t be happening. Because despite everything, despite the way Nick and I felt about each other now... he wouldn’t... “Nick?” I whispered, too stuck on it to let it go. Would he? “Nick?” I repeated, this time in disbelief. I wanted someone to be in disbelief with me, and automatically looked to Luis.

But all I got from Luis Yenka was the biggest I-told-you-so look I’d ever seen in my life as he asked, “Now can I hit him?”