Leave the Pieces - 2. Landmines

Nothing was worse than feeling like I was walking on eggshells in my own home, waiting for the moment to come when I took the wrong step. Everything would come crashing down. Everything would fall apart.

Maybe everything already had fallen apart.

Everything I knew was different. It was like living a different life, every moment of my day surrounded by members of my family who I usually chose to avoid. My friends were so far in the back of my mind that I forgot to call anyone back who left a message for me. I even forgot to fight with Randy for a while, but I think we were all in the same boat--the one that threw our day-to-day activities into a standstill; the one that revolved around Luis.

That last part wasn’t much of a change for me. But now it was different, because he was there. I felt it more, and now I felt the burden of it, because part of me had believed things would be better when he was with us. I felt let down that this wasn’t the case, and even those thoughts tended to wash my guilt back up to the surface.

Get out.

I couldn’t get away from those words. Get out.

Get out of my room.

Get out of my life.

I could only imagine the intent those words were meant to carry.

Did he mean it? I asked myself that a lot lately. So much, that I was going insane. I was conscious of his every move, but kept my distance the best I could. I probably should have focused more on the positive aspects of the first few days of having Luis back. Like, the way he’d moved on from one-word responses. He didn’t exactly make conversation with anyone, but he’d become rather polite when responding to questions. No one asked him about the last eight years. We’d been warned that he wasn’t ready for it, so we tried to focus on the future.

It turned out Luis was looking forward to going back to school. He spent a lot of time testing as everyone tried to figure out where to place him. When he was home, he spent most of his time in his room. Turned out he liked to read. I noticed a few of my books missing at a time. I’m not sure he was reading everything in such short periods, but given what went missing, it seemed he liked a variety--or maybe he was just trying to figure out what he liked.

As it turned out, Luis already seemed to have a good idea about who he was when it came to fashion. Unfortunately, my mom hadn’t thought to pick him up any normal t-shirts on one of her shopping sprees, and he looked uncomfortable every time he put on something with a collar. But I didn’t bother pointing that out to anyone, since the closest thing Luis and I had to a conversation was when he asked me if he could borrow one of my shirts. My closet became as open to him as my bookshelf.

The snake wasn’t going anywhere. I knew it the very morning after his arrival when I was standing behind my mom as she opened his door to wake him up. Luis was still in bed, but not alone as he handled the snake with care. My mom screamed so loud I actually jumped before it became necessary to control the onslaught of hysterical laughter threatening to escape me. She’d regarded me accusingly then, and it was on the tip of her tongue to ban the snake from her home, but one look from Luis had stopped her in her tracks. Now she just double-checked his room before she attempted to step foot in there.

Those were all the things I considered positive. Positive, because they were easy. Normal.

But it was hard to think of those things six days later when we all sat down for breakfast. We never did that. Not me, my mom, or Randy. There was no reason why we would want to sit at the table together. Maybe that showed. After all, Randy sure didn’t mind making a fuss every time my mom insisted he participate. It didn’t surprise me that mealtime seemed so awkward. Tense. And then every morning since his arrival, Luis had managed to break something. The first three days he’d dropped his bowl as he was leaving the table. Each time glass was shattered across the floor. My mom started using plastic after that, but that didn’t save the glass he’d had his orange juice in. Every day something broke. Every day Randy looked a little more annoyed about it. It was the tray that my mom had served eggs on that proved to be too much for my stepfather when Luis actually offered to help clear the table just so he had a reason to pick it up.

“Damn it!” Randy exploded. He cursed again when he managed to drip his coffee on himself in the process of rising to his feet.

“Calm down!” Mom said quickly. “It’s just a dish. Don’t worry about it, Luis, I’ll take care of this.”

“Thanks, Mrs. Hill,” Luis replied.

“It’s Mrs. Bunger!” Randy snapped.

“Randy!” Mom scolded.

“Hill sounds better,” I remarked.

“Jesse!” I was scolded next.

Right. Some thoughts were better kept to myself. But I’ll admit, for a moment there, with Randy glaring at me, things felt a little normal again. The feeling was gone the moment he turned his attention back to Luis. “He’s doing this on purpose, seeing how many buttons he can push. You listen here, boy,” and now his finger was pointed at Luis, thrusting forward at every angry word. “It’s time to start watching your step, no one’s here to cater to your every damn...”

It was pointless for Randy to continue. Luis had walked away. Just like that, the same guarded expression he had the day he’d arrived crept over his features and he walked away. All went quiet enough to hear the click when he softly closed his door behind him.

I moved to my feet. “You’re such an asshole,” I muttered towards Randy. I moved to follow Luis, but suddenly my mom was in front of me.

“No,” she said, “I’ll go. Jess, take care of the mess, won’t you?”

Right. Leave me with the asshole after I called him an asshole.

Randy sneered at me as I knelt down to do as I was asked, not because my mom wanted me to do it so much as because I had an undeniable need to pick up any pieces Luis needed me to.

“Your friend there’s got about another week before he gets the boot,” Randy remarked. “No wonder no one in his own family wanted him.”

I ignored it. Ignore it. Ignore it. I put my best effort into the task, but only because I wanted to get out of the kitchen without further incident. I made it to Luis’s room just as my mom was coming out. She looked sad. Tired even. I felt sorry for her. It seemed okay this time because for once I felt like we were united over one cause. Luis. And because I didn’t believe she’d let Randy get in the way of that as she did with everything else.

“I think he’s a little upset,” my mom explained quietly. “He’s got an appointment today. Maybe he’ll talk to the doctor about it.”

I doubted it. “I can try to talk to him,” I replied. But then, the very idea terrified me. It must have shown on my face because my mom cracked a smile and patted my shoulder.

“Maybe give him a little bit,” she said. “But I was thinking, later on when we’re finished with his appointment, why not invite a few friends over? There must be some around that Luis will recognize. It might do him some good.”

I stared at his bedroom door, automatically rejecting that idea for two reasons. One was because I was never welcome to bring friends home, and the second was that I entirely disagreed. Luis hardly wanted to spend time with us. I didn’t see him opening up to an entire group.

“I don’t know...”

My mom patted my cheek. “Let’s just give it a try.” Then, as if the matter was settled, she walked away.

Worried about whatever idea she might have gotten into her head just then, I found myself opening Luis’s door without knocking. He had another book in hand and gave me only the smallest glance before turning back to it.

“Luis? My mom wants to invite over some people you know.” I decided to get straight to the point. It seemed to get his attention.

Pushing straight strands of black hair off of his forehead only to have it fall right back in place, his dark brows drew together, and his mouth turned down just slightly enough to be noticeable. “I don’t know anyone.”

I sighed. “People you used to know,” I explained. “There’s a few I still hang out with... Lee’s still around, and maybe...”

“No thank you,” he cut me off.

I frowned, not that I’d expected anything different. That’s why I’d asked first. “Maybe another time,” I finally said. “So... don’t worry. I’ll talk Mom out of it.”

As polite as he could be, he didn’t thank me.

***

When Randy started off in a bad mood he tended to stay that way. With Luis in his room I became public enemy number one, and it wasn’t long before my mom suggested I get out of the house for a while. This time, with her and Luis planning to be out most of the afternoon, anyway, I couldn’t think of any reason to argue. Maybe I even should have gotten out sooner.

Nick was my first call. He’s the only person I’d talked to all week, and our conversations had been short. He was still mad at me. I knew it, and I decided it was time to fix it. I owed him for my being the world’s worst boyfriend and I knew it. Since we’d been together the biggest thing Nick always seemed to want from me was time. He wanted a lot of it and I was used to that, even enjoyed giving it to him. But lately, I’d given him hardly any. As soon as he agreed to go out with me I knew I’d have to work overtime to avoid bringing up anything that had to do with Luis.

As soon as he climbed into my vehicle, I didn’t think it would be all that hard, because suddenly, I was smiling again. At that moment he was exactly what I needed, and I found myself reaching for his hand, hoping he knew that. He regarded my mood oddly.

“You alright?” he asked me.

“Yeah. I think so.”

He smiled, crooked and charming. “So what do you want to do?”

“At this point, anything.”

It was true. It didn’t seem to matter what we were doing so long as I was out of my house. For the next hour or so the plan to be spontaneous seemed to work great as we parked somewhere downtown and walked around for a while, stopping in a few stores and taking our time at the arcade. It was on the way back as we tried to remember where I’d left the car that Nick brought up the one topic that I thought I could count on him not to bring up.

“So what’s he like, anyway?” Nick asked as he reached over and took my snow cone, helping himself after swallowing down his own.

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“Luis. You haven’t even brought him up,” Nick explained.

“I didn’t think you’d want me to,” I admitted. I hadn’t meant it as a complaint, but he must have taken it the wrong way as a subtle frown creased his brow and he went on the defensive.

“It’s not like that. It’s just, you’ve been kind of obsessive, you know? It’s like, you’d think the world revolves around this guy, so I’m just wondering what he’s like.”

“He’s... fine, I guess.” I couldn’t bring myself to respond to the world revolving about Luis remark. “I mean, I think he’s got some issues to work through, is all. Who wouldn’t?”

“Jess to the rescue,” I heard Nick mutter. It wasn’t clear if he’d meant for me to hear that, but that didn’t change the fact that I had.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” I asked calmly, refusing to get defensive. Emotionally, I hadn’t been the best company lately. I was well aware that snapping over it eventually was a very good possibility, but I didn’t want that to happen with Nick. It would be better to let it go with Randy, because I didn’t like him... Or maybe even someone who’d understand it, like Lee or my dad.

“Nothing. Forget it.”

I sighed and reached out to squeeze his shoulder, the best form of affection to show him out on a public street. “Look, I’m trying to hang out with you, okay?” I said. “Let’s not talk about Luis. Lee said you were at the party at Rachel Neven’s house. How was it?”

Nick shrugged. “Okay, I guess. Everyone was talking about Luis.”

I frowned. “Nick...”

“You know, it doesn’t even feel like we’re together anymore,” he blurted, shooting me an accusing, sidelong glance that cut as deeply as his words. “I haven’t had a boyfriend in over a month.”

“Well, I’ve had a lot going on,” I replied, allowing a little of my annoyance to surface. “I mean, you’d know that, if you didn’t tell me to shut up every time Luis came up.”

“I never told you to shut up,” he replied, offended as he stopped there on the sidewalk and glared at me. “I just got sick of all your whining.”

“Whining?” I demanded.

He shrugged, as if I shouldn’t be insulted. “Pretty much. You act like I want to sit around listening to you worrying about what Luis needs. You haven’t even seen the guy in eight years and you act like he’s supposed to be your long-lost brother or something.”

“He is,” I retorted, wondering if Nick seriously hadn’t caught on to that by now. “It’s the same thing, Nick. He was my best friend...”

“I’m your best friend,” he snapped. “At least that’s what you told people before Luis showed up.”

“That’s different,” I insisted, taking a step towards him, and then I lowered my voice. “You’re more than my friend. It’s just...”

“It’s just nothing,” he cut me off. “If you cared about me you would have bothered to see how I’ve been. Every time we talk it’s like all you want to talk about is what’s going on at your house. I try to say something and you don’t even hear me.”

“I hear you,” I insisted. I didn’t like feeling like we were fighting. It was too uncomfortable, and I didn’t like wondering where this was all going. I felt like I needed to reel it in. Back down. Whatever, just to make it stop. “Look, I’m sorry if it’s felt like...”

“It doesn’t just feel like it,” he snapped, his voice edgier than it had ever been while directed at me. “And you can’t just show up like you did today pretending that everything hasn’t been completely fucked up with us.”

I felt myself swallow, unable to respond to that as I studied him more closely. For the first time ever, his expression was completely closed to me, only his aggravation seeping through. His shoulders were tense and on occasion his foot would tap, as if restless and eager to walk away.

“Are you breaking up with me?” I regretted the question as soon as I asked it. Mostly, because I didn’t want him to answer that. I didn’t even want to think about that. I did care about my boyfriend. I could admit that I’d been lousy at showing it lately, but I did care. At the moment, I cared about him and thought I needed him. I needed him to be supportive, and collected the way he was when I was pissed off at Randy. If I’d learned anything over the last month, it was that I wouldn’t be getting that where Luis was concerned for one reason or another; but I could deal with that, if only he could deal with me falling apart just a little bit longer.

“No.”

I must have looked pathetically relieved when he said that, because his expression softened.

“But I think I need some space for a while,” he added, taking that relief away as fast as it had come. “I mean, maybe you need to get some shit sorted out. Your priorities straight. Then you should call me, alright?”

I stood there for a moment, not really knowing what to say to that. Finally, I just frowned. “So... what? Do you just want me to take you home now?”

He shrugged. “No. I’m fine walking. Besides, I called Gene when we were in the arcade. He’s a few blocks away. I might hang out with him for a while.”

I suppose inviting me along at this point was out of the question. “Nick, maybe we should find somewhere to talk for a while,” I tried again.

“I think we’ve done enough talking,” he replied, and then shrugged at my blank expression. He started to walk past me, but paused with his hand on my shoulder. “Call me when you can, Jess. We’ll fix it, just not today.”

And then I was officially abandoned, walking streets that blurred together in search of the piece-of-shit Bronco I’d managed to misplace.

***

I needed a minute. Sitting on the first bench I came to once I gave up on trying to find my car seemed to be a good place to take one. Besides, it’s not like I’d remember where I parked until I calmed down, anyway. Things tended to work that way for me.

Before watching a news broadcast on Luis Yenka’s miraculous return, I couldn’t remember ever feeling so down that it made my throat hurt. But now I fully seemed to understand that particular side effect of depression as I wished that Nick hadn’t eaten the rest of my snow cone.

I was tired. I could easily go home and take a nap, stop thinking altogether for a while, but that wasn’t an option at the moment if I didn’t want to return to my house for a while. Besides, I probably wouldn’t do much sleeping, anyway. It was more likely that I’d sit in my room trying to come up with an excuse to knock on Luis’s door. Of course, it would never happen because I’d keep going back to that whole, “Get out” thing.

Did he hate me?

I buried my head in my hands, pathetic. Thinking about Luis, it was hard not remembering him in the passenger seat of that car, trying to open a door that was locked to him as he’d sped out of my life. His hand hitting the window, the look he’d given me... and I’d been so frozen. They were gone before I started screaming. For eight years Luis had been gone and there was no telling if I could have done anything to change that. I couldn’t know. That was the part that killed me. Without knowing for sure, I had to assume that I could have done something, anything to change all of this. He should hate me. Maybe he already did.

“Hey! You getting on, or what? Kid!”

I jumped at the gruff male voice and looked up, realizing that the shadows that had been passing my feet were passengers leaving a bus, and the bench I’d chosen to take advantage of was a bus stop. The annoyed-looking driver staring down at me would have been my next clue if I hadn’t figured all that out. “Sorry,” I mumbled, waving him on. He rolled his eyes at me before the doors shut and he left me in a cloud of exhaust.

I covered my mouth and nose until it passed and found myself looking around, small details of where I’d put my car coming back to me. But I stopped trying when I met the familiar brown eyes of a passenger who’d been on that bus, giving me a look that said he’d only stopped because I was familiar to him. He seemed to place me the same moment that I placed him, only he managed a friendly smile over it.

I could have done without him approaching me given my mood, but politely returned the knuckle-tap that he seemed to want when he got close enough. “Hey,” I said.

“Hi,” he replied, looking around us as he moved to the seat next to me on the bench. Maybe he expected Lee to be with me again. “How’s the snake?” Logan asked when he determined I was alone.

I nodded. “Good. My friend seems to like it, anyway.”

“So your mom isn’t trying to flush him down the toilet?”

“So it’s a him?” I asked.

“I don’t know,” he admitted. “Too young to be sexed. It just looked like a him to me.”

“Oh... my mom’s actually okay now. So, no worries.”

“Good,” he said, and then stood again, pulling his backpack further up his shoulders. “Well, if you guys ever need anything for him you should come back to the shop. I’ll give you my discount.”

I smiled at that. “Thanks.”

He nodded and started to walk away. As soon as he did I went back to feeling dejected. But, it didn’t last long when he stopped about ten feet away and looked back at me. “So... what are you doing here?”

Waiting at a bus stop when I had no intention of getting on a bus? I made a point to laugh at myself.

“I don’t know...” I answered honestly. “I think I forgot where I parked my car.”

He didn’t seem to know how to respond to that. I couldn’t blame him as I watched him look around again. This time it felt like he was looking over his shoulder before his eyes met mine again, his expression almost uncertain. “Um... I live a couple blocks from here,” he said slowly. “Over by the ice arena. Do you think you....”

I was surprised by how fast I stood up to join him. He seemed to be, too. I couldn’t find it in me to feel embarrassed about being so desperate.

Logan just smiled. “Okay, then.”

***

I liked Logan’s house. Located in a prime spot, he was surrounded by a variety of cultures where people had turned old houses into businesses, everything from tattoo shops and psychic readers to lawyer’s offices and popular restaurants. There was a white picket fence surrounding the narrow, two-story building with a detached garage and inside was warm and open with tile floors and simple furniture between the living room and open kitchen. It all smelled of French toast, the odor likely lingering from a calm family breakfast, and... earth? Must? I couldn’t really place it, but I found it pleasant, even refreshing.

After passing what appeared to be a teenage girl’s room he opened the very next door where the scent grew stronger and led the way in. I suppose I wasn’t expecting the wall-to-wall aquariums and small animal cages, but before I could bother to look and see what was in them the source of the smell became apparent as I stared at the three five-gallon buckets in the middle of his room filled with... dirt?

“Sorry about the mess,” he said, dropping his backpack and lifting the first of the buckets to haul it out of the way. “It’s cleaning day... the bedding I use,” he explained, gesturing at the buckets. “I think I threw some in with your snake.”

Right. It was a familiar smell, only it hadn’t been as strong when I’d dumped a small amount in water before it made its way to the terrarium.

“Maybe I should open a window or something...”

He sounded a little self-conscious. I was too busy seeing everything around me to tell him not to bother because I liked the smell.

I passed two chameleons in a wire cage, one of their four eyes following me as I passed and looked over some aquariums containing a variety of frogs, lizards and small snakes. A slightly larger aquarium held a snake just like Luis’s wrapped around a clutch of eggs, and next door there were a few geckos, which were almost as cute as the frog I’d almost purchased.

“What did you do, take work home with you?” I remarked.

“Nah. But I take home to work with me,” he said.

I smiled over my shoulder at him and then turned my attention to a cage hanging from his ceiling. I couldn’t detect any animals in it, but there was a bowl of half-eaten fruit and what appeared to be a sock hanging from the center of it.

“What’s in...”

“Sugar gliders,” he said after coming up behind me. He smiled when I glanced at him over my shoulder. “You should come by after dark sometime. You’ll like them, but if I mess with them now they’ll start barking.”

I raised an eyebrow at that, and then moved to a wall of square-shaped tanks like you’d find in the pet store, all connected to a light switch. I reached for it, but glanced at him for permission first. With his nod, I turned it on and faced a variety of colorful snakes, all obviously the same breed, coiled on perches. I found myself drawn to a speckled-looking one with blues and yellow in its coloring and knelt down for a closer look. When it suddenly struck at the glass in front of my nose I reeled back, Logan’s hand falling onto my back to brace me.

“Sorry about that,” he said quickly. “It’s sort of feeding day, too.”

“What are they?” I asked, looking at the snake again, this time from a safer distance.

“Those are my babies,” he said proudly. “Chondro pythons. They’re heat sensitive, can get a little aggressive when they’re not calm.”

“Wow,” I said, turning to him again. “My mom would go crazy.”

Logan smirked. “It’s my dad that goes crazy. Half of the snakes, at least in here, belong to my mom. She’s the one who helps me take care of all this. We have a spare room, but I like being around them... besides, it made it easier to just to give that room to Princess.”

“Princess?” I repeated.

His smile grew over his broad mouth. “You’re not afraid of snakes, are you?”

I glanced around his room. “I think I’m good.”

He reached out to tap my elbow. “Come on.”

I followed him farther down the hall where he unlocked a door with the same keys he’d used to unlock the front door of his house.

“We’re only supposed to come in here if there’s more than one of us,” he explained. “But don’t worry. She’s the sweetest thing in the world. You just don’t want her to hug you. Trust me, I learned that the hard way.”

My eyes widened slightly at that but I followed him into the room. It was empty, but seemed to hold a temperature of its own. It was also much more humid than the rest of the house, and towards the back wall was the biggest snake I’d ever seen in my life that didn’t have a very thick piece of glass between me and it.

“Shit. What is she?” I asked as he approached the snake with ease, bending to run his hand up its back until he stopped and rubbed the base of its head, which lifted in his direction, its long tongue darting out to taste his knee.

“Burmese python,” he said. “Last time we checked she was sixteen feet... could be more now. Wanna touch her?”

Unable to resist the offer, I moved closer... unlike Logan, I chose to move closer to her tail, smiling when I felt her muscles contracting beneath my hand. “This... is cool.”

He laughed. “She, is cool. And like I said, a sweetheart,” he added as he rubbed the top of her head. “After she gets off work, me and my mom hang out with her at least once a day... my dad kinda paces the hall with his phone, waiting to call 9-1-1.”

I laughed at that. Sounded like he and my mom would get along great.

“She’s so big. What does she eat, anyway?” I asked, but then quickly rethought that. “Never mind. I don’t wanna know. Have you ever been bitten?”

“Not by her,” Logan replied, leaving the rest to my imagination. I should have warned him I had an active one. As it was, I’d spend the rest of the afternoon looking for any hint of scars on the parts of his arms and legs revealed to me.

I spent a few more minutes with Princess before I asked him if there was anything I could help with, noting that he seemed to have a lot to stay busy with. Turned out he had no trouble putting me to work. I wondered if he knew how grateful I was for that. Even cleaning out various tanks and worrying about getting bitten by something had turned my entire afternoon right side up. I didn’t have any time to think about things bothering me, either. Logan was very knowledgeable about his pets, and willing to teach anyone who wanted to learn. All I had to do was ask the questions, which seemed to come easy for me. I felt even better about myself when he commented that two people working rather than doing it all himself made things a lot easier, and then thanked me for my help. When he said there was nothing left that needed to be done, I wanted to start over and repeat the process, but maybe that had more to do with me wanting to stay than with wanting to pick up snake poop.

Fortunately, Logan wasn’t all about chores and we made our way out to his back porch and sat down on wicker furniture with soda cans and cheese crackers. It seemed like it had been so long since I’d allowed myself to enjoy a moment that I didn’t really know what to make of it, only that when the silence dragged on, Luis came to mind, and the idea of how many moments over the years that he’d missed.

So I was sure to fill the silence when it came.

“Are your parents always gone this late?” I asked Logan, staring towards the sky as the remaining sun glowed against the clouds. It seemed odd to me that there’d been no one around but us since we’d arrived. Mostly I hung out at Lee’s, and her mom was always home. Even at my house either my mom or Randy was home after three o’clock, which is why no one ever hung out there.

“No,” he replied. “They both usually get home around five, but once a week they meet after work at some random bar. My mom pretends she’s the unhappy wife of a millionaire and my dad becomes Anton, the sexy doctor.”

I raised an eyebrow. He smirked. “Too much information, right?” he remarked. “Try being one of their kids– I have a sister, too. She’s probably planning to have a sleepover somewhere since they’ll be out tonight.”

I nodded. “Ah.”

He studied the expression on my face as I tried to make it look normal as I pictured what Anton the sexy doctor was supposed to look like, but I probably failed because he started laughing at me.

“Sorry,” I said quickly. “I mean, your family sounds cool... a lot cooler than mine, it’s just...”

“Most people think we’re a little strange,” he replied. “You know, snakes... lizards, role playing.” He suddenly cocked his head at me. “Lee did say you were cute,” he remarked, as if he’d just decided to agree with her.

I felt myself blink at the comment, wondering what kind of look was on my face to provoke it in the first place. “Lee said I was cute?” I asked, obviously planning to rub it in her face later. “When did she say I was cute?”

“Um, a few months ago, the last time I talked to her on the phone. She said her friend Jess was coming over, and I asked if you were cute.”

He’d asked? That changed everything before I could even process it, and my reaction was a quick one. “I have a boyfriend.”

Logan only smiled. “She told me that, too.”

“Oh.”

Oh. Yeah. It had been a while since I’d last turned six shades of red over utter awkwardness. This time seemed so bad to me, in fact, that I couldn’t even remember the last time that it had happened, let alone what had provoked it.

Nick was my first boyfriend. Actually, he was sort of the only gay person I knew, and he’d had to point it out to me. Together we’d let a few of our friends in on the fact that we’d become a couple. I’d never come out to anyone on my own before. I was pretty sure I’d just changed that, which accounted for some of the awkwardness. I might have been more than a little put out by the fact that Lee had apparently helped me come out to a perfect stranger if it wasn’t for the fact that I was wondering if he’d just come out to me.

I suddenly wondered if it was a ritual for newly acquainted gay people to sit around and try to figure out how gay each other was.

Awkward. Stupid now, too.

I reacted as naturally as I knew how.

“It’s getting late. I think I should probably get home.”

He stood with me, not looking nearly as uncomfortable as I was feeling. “Or,” he suggested, “you could hang out for dinner. Once a week my mom leaves pizza money on top of the microwave, and my dad leaves cash for Chinese on a plate in the refrigerator. He figures I’ll find his first. I’ll never eat all that food by myself.”

He walked back through the patio door that led into his kitchen and I stood there for a moment before I followed him, catching up in time to watch him reach for the plate in the refrigerator that did, in fact, have folded bills on it.

“Do you like pepper?” he asked me. I didn’t seem to understand the question so he glanced over his shoulder and lifted a dark blond brow at me as he explained. “Spicy food.”

I felt myself release the breath I’d carried in from outside. Why not? It’s not like anything about the afternoon had changed. I was out of my house. I was calm. I was normal again. And I liked spicy food. “Yeah.”

***

He had more snakes than the zoo and liked to watch Disney movies. And I got to meet a sugar glider. It jumped... maybe glided, from the top of the lampshade to the top of my head when he brought it out. Big eyes. Fuzzy. Definitely cute. Wouldn’t leave me alone until I’d picked all the pineapple off my pizza and handed it over.

I listened when Logan took a call from his parents, who were checking in. He seemed to have the same relationship with them as I had with my dad. Definitely not the one I had with my mom. She wouldn’t have laughed like his did when he’d claimed he’d spent his pizza money on hookers and wouldn’t be eating dinner because what was left for Chinese was wasted on lap dances. I’d cracked a smile at the remark before my own phone rang and I reached for it.

I really needed to start checking the number before I answered.

“Where the hell are you?”

For a moment I held the phone away from my ear to glare at it as if it had offended me before I cautiously drew it back. “Randy?”

“Yes. When are you coming home?”

“How did you get this number?” it seemed like a reasonable question. He’d never, ever called me before.

“Jesse.”

I rolled my eyes. “I don’t know. Why?”

“Your mom ran out, and I’m alone with him. He’s being weird.”

No. Luis is alone with you. My guess was that weird meant terrified. I was already standing up.

“Just leave him alone,” I said. “I’ll be there in a few.”

I hung up, not wanting to listen to his voice anymore. Frowning, I glanced around to make sure I wasn’t leaving anything behind and found Logan watching me curiously.

“You alright?”

“Um... yeah. But I’ve gotta get home.”

He didn’t make any effort to deter me this time, only stood to close up the food boxes. “Alright. So do you want me to help you find your car?”

“Oh,” I said, smiling, and of course, finally having a good idea of where I’d left it. “I think I’ll be good.”

“Cool,” he said as he gently lifted the sugar glider off a houseplant it had been tearing to shreds since it had made its way there. I watched him tuck it into the sock he’d hung around his neck before he met my eyes again. “So can I walk you, anyway?”

“Okay.” Because I doubted he’d take no for an answer. It was kind of nice.

It was probably good he’d come with me, anyway. I would have gotten lost in the alleys that made a shortcut from his neighborhood back towards the bus stop and he led the way effortlessly. As soon as I recognized where we were I took over. We talked a little about Lee, how he’d known her from daycare when they were little, and when their parents had become friends later. He didn’t go to our school, there was one in walking distance from his house. I’d never kept up with sports much but according to Logan we were rivals. I joked about wearing my red and gold school colors over some time and he offered to put them on with me. He figured it wouldn’t hurt his social standing all that much and admitted that most of his friends at school were in study groups. He liked science, and would rather be studying than hanging out. With the people that went to his school, anyway.

But to me, he didn’t seem like the average nerd. Not typical, anyway. No one was shoving him around or making him feel like one of his slithering creatures on a daily basis. I doubted he’d tolerate that when he had one snake in particular that could disappear a body. Actually, Logan was one of the most down-to-earth, cool people I’d met in a while. I’ll admit it, at the time, he was exactly what I needed in a friend. He was an escape. I wanted to spend more time with him. I wanted to learn about the three-thousand-or-so species of cockroaches... Okay, maybe not the roaches. But the point was, he knew a lot of stuff and as long as I could get my brain to grasp some of it on occasion I wouldn’t be thinking about... anything else.

“They’re not hiring at your work, are they?” I’d asked, shortly after he’d made a stop for a cup of ice cream. I was beginning to question if he’d really have as much trouble eating all that food as he’d claimed earlier on.

“I don’t think so, but if you’re looking for a job there are a few shops on the same block looking for someone.”

I’d given up my three-day-a-week position when I found out Luis was coming back. I suppose in all honesty, another one wasn’t what I was looking for. Decent, unobtrusive, and understanding company was another matter. But I wasn’t comfortable enough to explain that to him.

“Thanks. I’ll check it out,” I said, with no intention of doing so. “So are you working every day?”

“Pretty much until school starts, then the deal with my parents is I can keep the job if I cut down to two days a week, and no working past six at night. That pretty much leaves weekends for me.”

He sounded disappointed, and I couldn’t resist laughing at that. “Because it’s not like you don’t have a whole pet shop at home, right?”

He looked sheepish. “It’s not the same. Besides, it’s nice talking to people who have the same interests I do, especially when they’re not my mom... not that she isn’t great,” he quickly amended, as if worried he’d suggested anything otherwise. “I don’t know. Maybe I have too much fun there.”

“There’s nothing wrong with loving your job,” I replied.

He smiled. “Now you sound like my dad... that’s a compliment,” he quickly added. “But anyway... do you really wanna work with snakes?”

I shrugged. “I kind of like the frogs better.”

He laughed. “Too bad your mom won’t let you have one then, right?”

“She could change her mind,” I said honestly, given that she had allowed Luis to take the snake.

“Come see me if she does,” he said, and I gave a small nod.

I didn’t really want to wait for my mom to change her mind to go see him. I wanted to show up at the bus stop and expect him to show up every time my own home became smothering. Every time I worried over fucking up a relationship with Luis that I didn’t even have, or when I became intolerable to my own boyfriend. “I’ll do that,” I said.

We turned a corner, passed through a line of people waiting to get into a move, and then I saw my car.

Maybe I knew it had been there all along. Maybe I just wasn’t ready to find it yet. But laying eyes on the old hunk of metal and scratched paint gave me a sense of accomplishment, nonetheless.

“Here it is,” I said, smiling at him. “Do you want a ride back home?”

“Nope. I’m good with walking.”

“Are you sure?” I asked.

He smiled. “Yeah,” he insisted, looking around at the random crowds. “It’s a good night for walking. Pretty soon it’ll be cold again and everyone’ll be in a hurry to get to where they’re going.”

I nodded, understanding. “Alright, well...”

“I’ll see later,” he said; and then after a moment added, “Come find me some time. We’ll hang out.”

That made me smile. There was no hiding it. The joy I felt over the prospect left me feeling too happy. Welcome. “Yeah.”

He waved as he backed away from me, his hand gently cupping the sugar glider’s pouch, which was still hanging from his neck, and as he started to walk away there was something confident and steady about his walk.

I turned my attention to my vehicle, my main focus turning directly to Luis, even given how quickly it had left him once my afternoon with Logan had started. I guess you could say that I didn’t think Randy would go trying to make Luis any more fucked up than he already was. It’s just that I didn’t like the guy. Luis, on the other hand... I just wanted him back. I didn’t think leaving him with Randy would help in that regard, and quite frankly, I was slightly pissed that my mom wouldn’t consider that when she decided to leave the two of them alone together.

I rounded to the driver side door, fished out my keys and aimed for the lock.

“Jess?”

I instinctively turned towards my name, despite the unfamiliar voice and found myself looking at the guy walking towards me. Older, but not nearly as old as my parents, he had one of those smooth faces that was complemented by the business-casual style of dress he’d chosen. He had an approachable smile, the kind that seemed unquestionably harmless.

“Yeah?” I said curiously.

“Jesse?” he repeated, as if wanting to be sure.

“Yes,” I confirmed again, this time more curiously.

His smile grew wider, and the way he held out his hand for me to shake seemed so natural that I couldn’t help but reach for it.

“How are you doing?” he asked.

“Um... good, I guess... who are....”

“You and your family are amazing,” he cut me off. And before I could even wonder why he’d think so, he asked. “How is Luis, anyway?”

“He’s doing pretty good,” my mouth replied, while my head attempted to keep up with his thought process.

The man made a point to look sympathetic as he shook his head. “I mean, it must be hard, with everything he’d been through. Luis has got to be a pretty strong person, to be doing so well after all he’s been through, right?”

“I guess so, um...”

“So, Jesse,” he said, coming even closer, his sympathetic tone deepening enough. “Between you and me, do you really think he’s recovering? I mean, he’s told you what he’s been through, right?”

No. Has he told you? What do you know?

“You know, no charges are being pressed against him for those shootings, or the robberies,” the man pressed. “Everyone believes that Arthur Brookscoerced him into everything. Do you agree?”

Arthur Brook. The name that made me cold inside.

“I...”

“Along with a list of crimes, Mr. Brookshas also been accused of sexual assault. Jesse, can you confirm that Luis Yenka was forced into lewd acts during his time with Mr. Brooks?”

I’m not sure why I felt so assaulted by that question. Not so much that I recoiled from it as my gut clenched and I felt the effects of the blood draining from my face.

Jesse, can you confirm that Luis Yenka was forced into lewd acts during his time with Mr. Brooks?

I was so going to be sick.

“Hey! No comment, okay? Why don’t you get the fuck out of here?” Logan was suddenly back. Or, maybe he hadn’t been that far gone to begin with. Either way, I felt the safety net that caught me as he came between me and the man, ushering me away.

“And who are you?” the man asked Logan. “A friend of the family?”

“I’m your right nut,” Logan responded, his tone turning hostile, “telling you that I’ll get smashed if you don’t get the fuck out of here. Come on, Jess.”

The reporter looked amused as Logan ushered me away, opened the door to my car and all but shoved me in. But, he left, unwelcome intruder that he was.

I reached for my steering wheel, held on tight as Logan regarded me from the sidewalk.

“Jess? Are you okay?” he asked.

No.

“Jess?”

Stop asking. How the fuck could I be okay?

The enormity of my mistake hit me like a purse full of bricks to the gut. Was I seriously this stupid? Because I wasn’t doing a very good job of proving otherwise. Seriously, what had I been thinking. A stranger? I could have said something to him. Something that would have made things worse for Luis. It didn’t matter what, really. Anything he could have twisted. Used for the sake of a story. And those things he’d said about Luis... those things that I hadn’t thought to contemplate and yet seemed so obvious. So realistic.

I felt my heart breaking all over again.

I never should have said so much as hello to the man.

“Jess? I can drive you home if you want,” I heard Logan say. “You’re not far from Lee, right? I can walk home from there, too.”

Looking around cautiously, I shook my head, but not so much in response to Logan’s question. I’d have to be more careful. Every day. Every minute. With every unfamiliar face. Maybe familiar faces, too. One wrong step, one wrong word and Luis could be destroyed. To imagine the way he’d look at me if I betrayed a trust I had yet to earn... to see his own name brought up in paper after paper, his picture continuously flashed in the news...

I’d have to watch my step. From now on, I’d have to avoid the attacks. The aggressive ones. More so the hidden ones, like my latest experience. I’d tread carefully to avoid that last string; the one that would break and send Luis’s world crashing down, and that would take mine with it.

“Hey,” Logan said, and I finally met his eyes. “Are you okay?”

“Do you think what he said is true?” I asked blankly. About Luis?”

“I don’t know.”

I frowned. “Luis is... Luis is...”

Logan’s mouth turned up into a small smile. “I know who he is. I read papers, too.”

“Oh.”

“Jess, maybe...”

“I don’t want to talk about it,” I suddenly cut him off. “I mean... I can’t. It’s him, and I can’t.”

Logan only nodded. “That’s okay... about that ride...”

I shook my head again, this time more clearly. “I can drive myself.”

Logan nodded, apparently with no intention of arguing. “Alright,” he said, but stood there a moment longer, preventing me from closing my door even as I started the car. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

No.

But I’d learn. I’d watch my step from now on. For Luis. “I’m fine.”

Logan closed my door for me, and instinctively I let down my window, looked at him through it. “Thanks for today,” I told him.

He nodded slowly, as if unable to make sense of my gratitude. “Okay.”

I only smiled at him, knowing that I was grateful because I couldn’t let myself do this again, not if it meant letting my guard down while Luis still needed it up. My best friend, the one that had been eight years old had a wall up. I needed him to know I could be extra security, and tonight I felt I failed at that as I wondered what the papers would say tomorrow. If my name would appear in them. If Luis would break something over my head instead of on the floor.

“I’ve gotta go,” I said quietly.

Logan stepped away from my vehicle. “Don’t worry about that guy, Jess,” he said quietly. “You didn’t give him anything.”

Maybe not. But he’d given me something. A whole new reason to dig Arthur Brook’s pictures out of the scrapbooks, wishing that I’d done more before my best friend had disappeared for what was beginning to feel more like forever.