Leave the Pieces - 6. Fallback

I looked away from Luis. I had to, because in that moment I hated him. I couldn’t describe the betrayal I felt as I dropped my backpack and lifted Nick up off the ground. The responsibility I felt for all of this.

“He’s crazy!” Nick screamed, his eyes confused and maybe a little crazed as they fell on Luis and he held his hand beneath his bleeding nose.

“Are you okay?” I demanded, even knowing how stupid that question sounded. Still, I felt better when Nick gave me a short nod.

The volleyball coach was suddenly there, pulling us both to our feet and instructing Nick to head to the school nurse. I was quick to get permission to go with him, again refusing to give Luis a passing glance as I picked up Nick’s things and mine and retreated with him. “What happened?” I asked. But didn’t I already know? I’d seen the look on Luis’s face after he’d seen me kiss Nick. Later, I’d written it off, not bothering to give Nick any warning whatsoever. My boyfriend had been unprepared to protect himself because he hadn’t even known there was a need to. How stupid was I?

“No idea,” Nick mumbled around his sweater, which he’d removed to hold to his nose. Besides that being swollen and bloody he had a large bruise already forming on the left side of his face and his hands had been scraped up in a fall. “It’s like he came out of nowhere; I had no idea what he was talking about and the next thing I know he’s on me.”

“I’m sorry,” I said. “Nick, I never meant for him to do something so... I didn’t think...”

He looked at me curiously, wincing when he pressed at his nose too hard. “It’s not like you told him to, Jess. Shit. The guy’s just out of control, is all. I’m done being nice to him, too. I’m sorry, but there’s no way in hell...”

“I know,” I said quickly. “I’ll never ask you to go near him again.”

I meant that, too. It was too late to go back and change things. Whatever hatred Luis had built up over eight years wasn’t something I could fight, not when he hated who I was, who Nick was. Every part of it was my fault and I wasn’t about to let it get near Nick again.

Not long after reaching the nurse’s office, I wasn’t surprised that Nick would be going home for the day. I apologized to him three more times before his mom arrived. She didn’t look pleased with me as she demanded to know what the school would be doing about the “monster” that was Luis Yenka.

“I know he’s living with you, Jesse,” she’d angrily thrown in my direction. “I’d better never see that boy near my son!”

“Let up, Mom,” Nick had protested. “It’s not Jesse’s fault. Let’s just go home, okay?” He glanced at me. “I’ll call you later.”

Part of me wondered if he meant it this time, but I didn’t feel it was the time to ask.

By the time I made it to my first class, the teacher was already waiting for me, stopping me before I even made it to my desk. “You need to go to the office, Mr. Hill,” was all she’d said. Feeling like I was running on some sort of numbing autopilot, I didn’t bother to ask her why.

Nick was going home. It was probably safer for him there. Why couldn’t Luis have attacked me? Maybe then he would have at least gone after someone who deserved it. I think I almost wished that he had. Take out his anger. Hit. Me. Hurt me. Tell me how much he hated me. I was the one who couldn’t identify a face. I was the reason he didn’t make it home before the damage had been done. It was me who didn’t see the warning signs that knowing I had a boyfriend had thrown Luis Yenka over the edge.

Had there been warning signs? When Luis had confronted me at my dad’s house he’d changed the topic just as soon as I’d come out to him. But was that really his intention, or was he trying to tell me he saw me no differently than Arthur Brooks? All week at school he’d been uncomfortable--more so than usual--every time I’d tried to talk to him, and when Nick had sat with us for lunch Luis had taken off as if it were all too much for him.

To him, were we the monsters? Maybe he thought who Nick and I were was just plain wrong. It made my skin crawl to think of how, more than likely, someone had given him a reason to believe that. Someone I couldn’t go back and protect him from. For this, I wanted to sympathize with him. I wanted to understand why he’d snapped.

But that was only one part of me.

Torn, that’s what I was. Because while I felt I owed it to Luis to understand, I couldn’t forgive. Was he really so blind that he couldn’t see it? Nick wasn’t his monster. I wasn’t his monster. Today, the monster had been Luis. And I had no idea what I was going to do now where he was concerned, which made it that much more difficult when he was the first person I saw when I entered the office.

Sitting patiently in a chair with his books in his lap he glanced at me for only a moment, his expression challenging, as if he was daring me to say something. When I couldn’t, he looked away, and someone behind the desk told me I needed to call my mom.

“Are you alright?” she asked me as soon as I had her on the phone. She was at work, and keeping her voice down.

“He attacked Nick,” I replied. My voice sounded dull, but I couldn’t help the glare I sent in Luis’s direction. To my surprise, he raised an eyebrow. Another challenge.

“I know,” my mom replied. “They’re suspending him, and I need you to take him home. I might be able to get Randy to come home early, but until then I’ll need you to stay with Luis.”

Randy? For a moment I was feeling cruel enough to not give a fuck about the idea of Randy dealing with Luis. Let Luis have to deal with him. But that was only for a fleeting moment. “Why don’t I just call Dad? He’ll come pick Luis up.” Because I really didn’t want to go anywhere with him.

“Jesse.” My mom sounded exasperated. “Why can’t you just do what I ask you to do when I ask you to do it?”

“Because he just attacked one of my friends,” I said furiously. The woman behind the office desk looked disapproving over my raised voice. I turned my back to her. It wasn’t much better. Now I could see Luis watching me. “Fine,” I said. “But you might want to tell Randy to hurry it up.” I saw Luis’s eyes narrow only a little over hearing that, and I felt satisfied about the way he clearly wasn’t pleased. But that only lasted a moment before I lowered my voice so he couldn’t hear it. “Actually... never mind. I’ll take care of it.”

My mom sighed. “Thank you, Jess. Just, call me when you get home so I know you’re there.”

“Yeah. Sure,” I agreed before I handed the phone over to the office assistant, who transferred the call to the principal so my mom could figure out what was supposed to happen next.

I found myself pacing back and forth for several minutes, doing my best to ignore Luis’s presence before I was waved back to the desk and handed a hall pass. “You’ll need to stop by your classes and pick up your assignments for today,” I was told. “Your mom has asked that you go ahead and get Mr. Yenka’s assignments for the next three days.”

I actually snorted at that. “Three days?” I was incredulous. Nick had more than three bruises.

The woman behind the desk looked rather impatient with me. “Just three days,” she repeated. “Mr. Yenka will be spending the rest of his suspension in school.”

I didn’t bother mentioning that that didn’t make sense. But it had something to do with Nick convincing his mom no police should be involved. I felt grateful towards Nick for that, despite my anger over the situation telling me that Luis didn’t deserve it after what he’d done.

Gene was in one of my classes when I’d gone in to request homework, and as soon as I was back on my way out he’d requested a bathroom break and caught up to me in the hall.

“Hey, are you alright, Jess?” he asked. I found myself looking at the sympathetic hand he’d dropped on my shoulder. “What’s going on?”

“Nick went home,” I explained. “I’ve gotta take Luis home.”

Maybe Gene heard something in my voice. “You know this isn’t your fault, right?”

I forced myself to meet his eyes. “Sure.” It seemed I was hearing that a lot lately. I wondered if I’d start believing it. “Look, I probably won’t be around to give you guys a ride after school, so...”

“We’ll ask Lee,” he replied. “Man, call later and tell us what’s going on, or if you need anything... I mean, if you don’t want to be alone with Luis I can call my dad up and...”

“I’ll be okay,” I insisted, forcing myself to give him a reassuring smile. “Thanks, though.”

“Alright, but the offer stands if you change your mind,” he informed me.

I nodded and left wondering if the word of Luis’s insanity had reached the rest of my friends yet. No doubt. As angry as I was, as betrayed as I felt, I couldn’t help wondering what this meant for him now. He was already on the fence, and now he’d managed to isolate himself even more. As I returned to the office and found him still alone in that chair, I wondered how Luis could be more alone than he already was.

As if sensing my presence, knowing my thoughts, he suddenly looked at me, as if I had the answer. I had nothing.

“Come on, Luis. Let’s go.”

***

We got home and I followed him to his room, where he turned in the doorway and regarded me like he would any uninvited guest.

“Why’d you do it?” I asked. The question had been burning a hole in me. I thought that maybe I was entitled to know. I wanted him to confirm what I was already thinking. I wanted to hear it from him.

I got a door closed in my face instead.

I walked away, frustrated. I tried to turn on the television for a while, looking for a distraction from my nerves. I couldn’t concentrate on anything except for the tension that had spread between me and the guy closed up in his room.

And I didn’t like feeling like I’d become his babysitter. It made me nervous, enough so that I ended up walking around the house a few times to make sure he hadn’t made another break for it. I couldn’t add being blamed for that on top of everything else.

When I was satisfied that Luis wasn’t going to do anything that would put me at odds with my mom and her husband later, I picked up the phone and did something that would most likely, piss them off just as much.

“Is everyone okay?” my dad asked after I called him and explained the situation.

“Everyone except for Nick,” I replied bitterly. “I mean, he’ll probably be okay, but... I don’t know. Mom wants me to stay here with Luis. I don’t know if I can deal with that right now, and if it’s not me it’s going to be Randy, and if it’s Randy... well...”

“How about I come get Luis? You can go back to school, or take the day off... calm down.”

“Mom made it sound like she didn’t want you involved,” I warned. But we both knew that I wasn’t about to take her side on the matter. If I didn’t want him to do something about this, I wouldn’t have called him.

My dad sighed. I knew that sound. I used to hate it. When he was still with my mom I’d hear it right before he disappeared for a few hours. I didn’t like it much now, either. It meant that he was preparing himself for a fight. But that didn’t mean that I didn’t appreciate it.

“I’m on my way to get Luis. Why don’t you come over for a while, too, Jess? I’ll take the rest of the afternoon off.”

“Dad, the point is I think I need to be away from him for a while, and...”

“I get it. Like I said, I’m on my way. Don’t worry about your mom. I’ll talk to her.”

I released a relieved sigh. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome... so, how is he?”

“Luis? He’s being Luis. He won’t talk to me.” But I wasn’t going to explain my thoughts on why that was. “He’s in his room.”

“He’s calmed down, though?”

“Yeah,” I assured my dad, understanding that his concern was Luis and I coming to blows over this. “I am, too. I just... what he did, wasn’t okay.”

“I know. Just give me a few minutes. Are you hungry? I can pick you up an early lunch.”

“I don’t really feel like eating.”

I heard my dad laugh. “Don’t let your mother or Chrissy hear that.”

I forced myself to crack a smile, even knowing that he couldn’t see me.

“I know. I’ll see you soon.”

I felt unburdened when I hung up with him, but not much better. I couldn’t bring myself to put down the phone and dialed Nick’s number next. His mom answered, and she sighed when she heard my voice. “Hi Jesse. Yes, he’s here, and I’m sorry if I snapped at you. I was a little upset.”

“I know,” I assured her. “I’m sorry it happened, I didn’t think...”

“Hello?” Nick’s voice came, as if he’d managed to wrestle the phone away from his mom. I was glad to hear it, and tried not to feel surprised after how unreachable he’d been.

“Hey,” I said. “Are you alright?”

He was quiet for a moment, and when he responded, he sounded tired. “Yeah. I think I’m gonna be sore, but nothing’s broken... So how many people are talking about the way my ass just got handed to me?” he asked worriedly.

I couldn’t help smiling over the spark of ego I sensed there. “I don’t know,” I admitted. “But I wouldn’t worry too much about it.”

“Really?”

“Really. I mean, you weren’t the one who was out of line.”

“Yeah... so anyway, I’m hideous.”

“I doubt that.”

“You’re not seeing how huge my nose is.”

“Ice,” I suggested. “Lots of ice... I’m sorry, Nick.”

“Uh-huh,” he replied, as if he were no longer paying any attention to my apologies. “Um... what’s gonna happen to Luis?”

“Suspension, I guess. It seemed kind of easy. But don’t worry, you don’t have to get anywhere near him. My mom asked me to bring him home but I can’t sit here with him, so my dad’s going to pick him up.”

“Yeah... so did he say anything? Like, about what happened?”

“Of course not. He’s just being how he always is.”

“Oh, well, look... maybe when your dad gets there, you could come over? My mom’s not going to let me go anywhere, and I don’t really want to sit around like this.”

“Yeah,” I agreed quickly. “I’ll be over after my dad picks up Luis. Should I call first?”

“No. Just come over.”

***

Luis didn’t look surprised when my dad got there, and he made no objection when he was invited to leave the house with him. Invited. My dad was good at things like this. He wasn’t pushy, and didn’t walk in ready to seek out a proper punishment for the offense. In fact, he had talked to my mom and she stopped telling him he wasn’t needed when he suggested taking Luis in for an emergency session with his counselor. My dad suggested that he needed to talk to someone. I think he was right. Only, we all knew that Luis didn’t do much talking, even with his doctors.

As soon as they’d left I locked up the house and headed over to Nick’s. I felt good about getting to see him, and even better that he wanted me there. But he hadn’t been lying when he’d told me what a mess he was, and seeing him like that didn’t make me feel any better.

I guess having the shit beat out of you can be exhausting, because after he finally convinced his mom to go back to work we put on a movie and stretched out on his bed he fell asleep with his bruised face tucked against my chest. Every once in a while he’d open his eyes, as if interested in the movie, or to let me know that he was still just fine. His mom had been worried about a concussion.

I wasn’t watching the movie any more than he was. I was trying to remember the last time we’d been this close to one another. It had been long enough for him to change the kind of shampoo he used. I could smell the difference now. I’m not sure why it bothered me. Not the smell. Just the change. It was a reminder of how many other things had changed.

In some ways it seemed like Luis coming back into my life had pulled us apart. Now, Luis had brought us back together. I just didn’t like the circumstances. It made me think, question, whether or not we’d be like this again when Nick was feeling better. Sooner or later I knew I’d have to tell him about Luis seeing us together. He deserved an explanation about all of this. He might blame me for it, and I needed to come to terms with that.

There were other things I needed to come to terms with, too. Things that I didn’t intend to share with Nick. Like the great friendship with a great guy that had recently developed. I was beginning to realize that it bothered me, the fact that it was now impossible for me to share that with my boyfriend. Hiding it would feel as if I were doing something wrong, and I couldn’t have that, either. I never imagined that I couldn’t have them both. But as I thought about Logan and how he must be feeling because I hadn’t answered his calls, I realized that I wasn’t ready to give him up, either. Not until I knew I absolutely had to. I guess I was still wishing that it had all been a fluke, that he’d be able to convince me that kiss meant nothing. But if it had meant nothing, I wouldn’t be feeling so guilty about it, and that’s why I couldn’t talk to him just yet.

Nick groaned when he started to set up, getting my attention. I reached to help him, wondering what was hurting now.

“Do you need something?” I asked.

“I was going to get something to drink,” he explained.

“I can get it.”

“How about you just come with me. I want to get up. I’m tired of falling asleep.”

“Sure.”

Nick started to move off the bed, but paused after looking twice in my direction. There was a hint of his crooked smile on his bruised face. “What’s that all about?” he asked.

I blinked. “What?”

“You’re looking kinda... upset,” he pointed out.

Well, I was upset. But I didn’t want to start naming off reasons. Instead, I sat up and regarded him seriously. “I wanted to talk to you about something,” I admitted. “The other night, when you called and asked me to meet you...”

Nick brought his hand to his face, as if meaning to drop his forehead in it, but winced before he got that far. “Shit... you know I’m sorry about that. Rehearsal was back on, and I wasn’t thinking when I left the house. I was going to call you but by then it was so late, and the rest of the weekend was just really crazy...”

“Okay.” I’d cut him off before he could finish telling me why he’d forgotten me for an entire weekend. I think maybe I’d heard all I wanted to hear. It was an explanation. He was sorry. It was something we could move on from. That’s what I wanted.

***

It was an unexpectedly lonely week at school. I got to speak to Nick over the phone, but the way he put it was that he wasn’t coming back to school as long as he looked like a clown. Ironically enough, he came back the same day that Luis started his in-school suspension. Isolated to the same room all day he was allowed two bathroom breaks and his lunch was brought to him. It was probably best, given that he didn’t stand a chance of running into Nick this way, and everyone got a little extra time to cool off.

Lee had been surprisingly closed in her opinions about the whole matter. In fact, she didn’t seem to want to mention what had happened at all. She’d been almost as quiet as Luis lately, and sensing that her mood was on the edge, the rest of us had trouble falling into normal conversation around her. Unable to stand the silence, but not willing to open up myself, I soon spent any free time I had, including lunch, watching Nick practice for The Wizard of Oz. He’d accepted the part as the Tin Man, and while we weren’t exactly spending quality time together this way, it was good to see him smiling about something again. He always managed to sneak away from the group for a few minutes during breaks and he’d come say hi to me. That, at least, let me know that he appreciated my being there.

It wasn’t until Friday night that things started to feel remotely normal again. Lee called in surprisingly good spirits to invite me to a barbeque she and her parents were having. She didn’t bother to ask me if I was going to bring Luis. I called Nick as soon as I hung up with her and found out he was already planning to walk over.

Maybe it was out of the way, but suddenly picking him up on the way sounded like a good idea to me. I was changing into something that smelled less like school when my cell rang again and I found myself taking a seat as I stared at the number.

Not talking to Logan had gone on for long enough. I knew I needed to do it soon, before he stopped calling, but then it wasn’t an easy decision to make. I wanted his friendship. He’d sort of claimed that that was all he wanted from me. I wasn’t sure if I believed him. I also wasn’t sure if I wanted to. I’m not sure which one freaked me out more, but I knew which one made me feel like a complete asshole.

Either way, avoiding him wasn’t going to help me sort it out, and I took a deep breath before answering the call.

“Hi.”

There was a moment of silence, that told me I’d managed to surprise him. “Hey... I was going to leave you another message.”

“Yeah... sorry about that. I know I should have called you back. Things here have just been kinda... messed up.”

“How?” he asked.

I shrugged to myself. “Drama. I’ve had drama.”

“It’s not because of me...”

“No,” I quickly assured him. “I mean, I haven’t told anyone about that... it’s not like I need to, right? I mean, it was no big deal.”

“Right,” he agreed, but then fell silent again before he said, “I don’t want to cause any more drama. But the reason I’ve been calling is because I’d really like to talk to you. There are a few things... I just need to tell you a few things.”

“Okay.”

“Not now,” he explained. “I mean, there’s nothing wrong with now. I just don’t think I should do this over the phone.”

I felt my stomach tighten. This conversation certainly wasn’t making me feel any better. In fact, his dire tone was making it much worse as I grew nervous over what it was he wouldn’t be able to discuss on a telephone.

“Okay,” I said slowly. “Is this bad?”

“I just need to look you in the eye when I say it. Please, Jess.”

Okay, Logan. Not helping.

“Alright... I can’t do it now. There’s this thing over at Lee’s. Nick will be there...” So much for getting Logan involved with the rest of my friends. “I mean, it’s just...”

“I understand,” he insisted. “How about later tonight? When you’re done.”

“It could be late,” I warned.

“I’ll be up.”

As I hung up with him I wished that he would have wanted to meet tomorrow. Even later in the weekend. That whole we need to talk thing was enough to send me cowering. I didn’t bother trying to guess what it was he wanted to talk about. It would only drive me crazy, and besides, I’d end up at the same conclusion over and over again.

I picked up my car keys and opened my bedroom door, where I paused.

“Randy’s right,” I heard my mom say.

Randy’s right. Gag me.

Against my better judgment I went to find out what she thought he was right about. I found the two of them in the living room, and to my surprise they were between Luis and the front door.

“I want to go for a walk,” Luis told them, and I got the feeling it wasn’t the first time. It was almost strange to hear him say such a thing. He’d been locked in his room for days and didn’t make an effort to say many words to anyone.

“Then maybe you should have thought about that before we grounded you,” Randy replied.

He was grounded? Right. Beating up my boyfriend. Not that my mom or Randy knew what Nick was to me.

“You didn’t ground me,” Luis replied, his tone still neutral.

I couldn’t help it, I almost laughed at the look on Randy’s face, but I forced myself not to. Besides, Luis deserved to be grounded, and recently enough I’d decided that I was tired of feeling sorry for him.

Randy opened his mouth but a hand on his shoulder from my mom kept him silent as she turned to Luis, sighing. “We didn’t think we’d have to say it,” she explained. “But we are now. Luis, your behavior at school this week isn’t excusable. Until we see some changes...”

“…your ass is planted right here,” Randy finished for her.

Luis didn’t look pleased. Of course he didn’t look pleased. When he finally noticed me and glanced in my direction, I wanted to know if he was wishing that I’d say something on his behalf. Maybe I would have, before he attacked Nick. I wasn’t going to interfere in it this time. Even if I wanted to it wouldn’t have mattered, anyway. It’s not like he could go with me.

So I looked away from him and headed to the door.

I felt that I was minding my own business for once, but Randy was on a power trip and turned his attention towards me before I could pass him.

“Where the hell do you think you’re going?”

“It’s Friday night,” I explained calmly, too tired to summon the little-shit within. I looked at my mom. “I’m probably going to spend the night at Dad’s.” I’d been spending more than every other weekend there lately. I think she’d noticed.

But thankfully, she didn’t argue it when she gave me a hug and told me to have a good night while Randy looked on disapprovingly. It was easy not to give him a second glance on my way out.

Luis was a different matter entirely.

***

“This is so stupid!” Lee complained. She bundled beneath three coats. One was mine, and from the way they had their arms crossed over their short-sleeved shirts, it was easy to guess that the other two belonged to Gene and Jarred. “I hate cold.”

Over the last few hours after the sun set there had been a drop in temperature. A breeze was slowly picking up and the air smelled like rain.

I was comfortable on a hammock in Lee’s back yard with one arm over Nick as he leaned against me. The four of us had managed to spent the night laughing and talking about the newest rumors that were making their way around the school halls, with the exception of anything that had to do with Luis. I don’t think that was a topic anyone wanted to breach.

“It’s not that bad,” Jarred insisted, and I exchanged an amused glance with Nick. We could see Jarred’s goose bumps from where he was sitting at the picnic table with Lee and Gene. He’d been sniffling all night, insisting that there was no way he was catching a cold. Lee responded by rolling her eyes and tossing one of the jackets back in his direction.

“I hope it rains,” Nick said. “Feels like it hasn’t done that all summer.”

I checked my watch, and not just because we’d slowed down enough to start talking about the weather.

“You have somewhere to be, Jess?” Lee asked me.

Okay. So maybe I’d been checking my watch all night. I forced a smile when Nick glanced curiously in my direction.

“No,” I replied. “I just didn’t bring the key for my dad’s. I want to make sure I get there before he goes to bed.”

The key was in my backpack. Lying didn’t exactly feel good to me, but I hadn’t mentioned anything about Logan to Nick, and I wasn’t going to bring it up with everyone there, if at all. I kept telling myself that maybe if things went good with Logan tonight, I could still tell Nick about my new friend. Maybe I’d tell him around the same time I let him know why Luis had attacked him.

“You can stay over if it’s too late,” Gene offered.

I smiled at him. “Thanks.”

But that wouldn’t happen. Logan said he’d be up. It was running late, but I still had every intention of heading over there. How could I not? He’d been on my mind most of the night. The suspense of what he planned to tell me was getting to me, but I hadn’t made any attempts to leave mostly because of the guy next to me.

Nick’s face was already looking better, and it was obvious that it was less painful, judging from his facial expressions. He’d also been particularly upbeat tonight. I’d say it was just like old times when I had to turn his hand in a different direction when he got close enough to reach for places that I wasn’t comfortable with him drawing attention to in front of our friends. But he knew that, and him wanting to tease me wasn’t anything new.

“I want to go inside,” Lee insisted. “You guys can come if you want but I’m probably going to bed early, so unless you want to hang out with my dad...”

I think it was fair to say that none of us would have minded hanging out with her father at all, but I was willing to jump on the opportunity I saw. It was time. I looked at Jarred and Gene. “You guys need a ride home? I’m taking Nick.” He hadn’t asked, but it’s not like he needed to, nor was he going to decline it.

“That would be cool,” Jarred, who’d given in and put on the jacket insisted.

Lee walked us out, and when she hugged me goodbye last she turned me away from the others as they headed to my car. “Hey,” she said, lowering her voice. “How’s Luis doing?”

I answered that question the only way I knew how to. “Alright, I guess. He’s being... Luis.”

Lee nodded, as if she understood exactly what I meant. “So do you think it would be okay if I stopped by sometime, or tried to call him?”

I smiled at her. “Lee, you don’t have to do that.”

“I know,” she replied. “After what he did to Nick it makes things a little harder. But if you say you’re giving up on him I won’t believe you. I won’t do it, either.”

“Didn’t you think he was turning into a jerk before... all of this?” I asked, glancing towards Nick, who was looking expectantly in my direction from the front seat.

“Yeah,” Lee admitted. “But at one time or another I’ve thought all you boys were being jerks.” She thought that over to herself. “Maybe it means I need more girlfriends.” She smiled at me, and then gave me a small shove towards my vehicle. “So I’ll call him sometime, okay?”

I shrugged. “I’m not gonna stop you. Randy might, though, so I’d make sure it’s not after four thirty.”

“Got it. See you later, Jess.”

“What was that all about?” Nick asked me when I was in the car.

“Nothing,” I replied, knowing it would be best not to mention Luis at all. “She was just saying goodbye.”

“What’s it gonna take to stop for burgers on the way home?” Jarred asked from the back seat.

Gene shoved him. “You just ate.”

“I’m hungry again.”

The two of them bickered about Jarred’s appetite until I did make that stop. It would have been closer to drop Nick off first, but I wanted to hold onto him a little longer, and Jarred and Gene were home before I pulled up in front of his house, put the car in park and turned in time to accept his goodbye kiss.

“I could sneak you in through my window,” he remarked, and I wasn’t entirely sure he was joking. He kissed me again before I had a chance to respond.

“I should probably get home. I’ll call you tomorrow?”

Nick shrugged. “I might not be there.”

“Okay... so call me later on.”

“I’m actually going to be busy all weekend,” he said, his tone dissuading me from asking him to do anything over the weekend. It was strange, actually. I thought we were getting back on track. I waited for him to give me an explanation, as he would have done before, but none came.

I thought about asking him what he was going to be doing, but it felt like he wasn’t giving me an invitation to. I was probably just being overly sensitive, and decided against saying anything. If he told me he had another rehearsal I could imagine becoming annoyed over it. It seemed like he was rehearsing all the time. Too much for him and the rest of the actors in the upcoming play to be tripping over as many lines as they did during their rehearsals at school. Don’t think about it.

I moved to kiss him again, and wondered if he noticed the way that lately he’d end up pushing me away during any kiss he didn’t initiate. I wondered if he knew his smile looked fake when he got out of the car. It was just me. Too much had gone on lately, and I wasn’t feeling right about anything. I wondered if Nick could see it in me.

***

Despite waiting all night for this, I circled Logan’s neighborhood a few times before I parked across the street from his house. It was getting closer to midnight. There was a chance he’d given up on me. I thought about going home, wait and see if he’d call me back tomorrow. But looking at his house, there was a light on, dimly shining through the livingroom window. So I made my way to the door without calling first and tapped on it with my knuckles, not wanting to wake anyone if they were sleeping.

I didn’t have to wait long. Logan opened the door, his hair still wet from a shower making it appear straighter. Longer, as it had at the pool every time he got out of the water. The ends soaked the collar of a white long-sleeved shirt, and the way he attempted to subdue the smile he had when he saw me didn’t go unnoticed. That happiness he felt when he saw me was the same I’d known every time we got together. This was the first time it ever freaked me out.

“If it’s too late I can always come back...” I started to say before he opened the door wider.

“Come on in.” He kept his voice low, giving me the impression that he was the only one up. I guess I wasn’t moving fast enough for him because he placed a light hand on my arm and guided me in and through his house. The hallway was dark, but he seemed to know where he was going as we passed his sister’s room and the sound of louder-than-normal snoring.

Logan’s bedroom was lit only by the reptile tanks, and he took care in closing his door behind us before he moved to a stereo and turned up some sort of new age instrumental music. “They’d hear us talking,” he said of his family. “But they won’t notice the music.”

“Oh.” I was still standing in front of the door, wary of this room after the last time I was in it. If he noticed, he probably thought I was being ridiculous. At least, the look he gave me indicated that.

“Come in,” he insisted as he picked up a towel he’d left hanging off the edge of his bed and made a quick attempt of drying his hair with it.

I took a few more steps in and made a point to check out some of the snakes. I stopped looking as soon as I came across a bullsnake that appeared to be eating.

“You know, you don’t have to be nervous,” Logan said. “I crossed a line with you. It’s not going to happen again.”

“I’m not nervous,” I said quickly. Maybe I was even being a little defensive.

Logan rightly seemed unconvinced, which made his words appeasing. “Okay. So, do you want to talk about all this drama you mentioned before?”

I found myself smiling at that. “Not really.” But then, the moment those words left my mouth I found myself feeling the exact opposite. “I mean... who wants to talk about Luis beating up my boyfriend, right?”

His eyes widened, and soon I found myself telling him everything. More than I’d talked about the matter to anyone. Oddly enough, venting about it seemed to put me at ease as I told him all about how Luis had seen Nick and me together, how I’d made a mistake in not warning Nick and how I’d walked up on the fight at school.

“You couldn’t have known Luis was going to do that,” Logan insisted. “I might not know the guy all that well, but I definitely don’t get that feeling off him.”

“But you don’t know him,” I replied. “No one knows him... and you never gave him a reason to want to hurt you.”

Logan shook his head. “But don’t you think it’s weird that he didn’t just attack you? I mean, the way you put it... it sounds like he hardly ever sees Nick.”

I shook my head sadly. “I wish it had been me.”

“I don’t,” Logan replied, and then glanced away when I looked at him. “I mean, I’m sorry for what happened to Nick. I guess either way, it shouldn’t have happened. But I’m glad Luis hasn’t tried it with you...” he paused, looking puzzled. “Do you really think he would?”

I shrugged. “Who knows. I mean, even now it’s not something I’m worried about. Don’t know why. But I still don’t trust him. I don’t know how to now.”

Logan nodded, as if he could understand that. I’m not sure why it made me feel better. Maybe I’d had a harder time separating myself from Luis than I’d thought. “Do you think I should hate him now?” I asked. Because Luis had seriously fucked things up. My friends disliked him, with the exception of Lee, who could just be trying to be nice. He’d closed himself off from talking to me. Part of me felt like I was disloyal to Nick, still craving a relationship with the boy who’d been gone since I was nine.

Logan seemed to put a fair amount of thought into it before he replied, “I think like you said, things haven’t been easy for him. Maybe he needs someone to give him a chance. It doesn’t have to be you, but if it is, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it. Anyone should understand that, like it or not.”

I found myself smiling at him. I liked the way he didn’t see everything in black and white. Maybe that’s why it was so easy to talk to him. Around Logan, I didn’t feel the same nagging need I did everywhere else to hold back. I could tell him what I was thinking without wondering if he’d disapprove of it. Whether or not he did, he’d always make a point to look at all the angles before he decided to come to a conclusion. He didn’t seem to like what Luis had done, but he wasn’t so fast to condemn him for it. He wanted to believe there’d been a reason, justified or not. I think I did, too, but it was hardly something I could express to others, least of all Nick. Something told me that Logan wouldn’t have that problem.

“I don’t know,” I said. “It would be nice if he’d just open up a little. But I don’t think I’ll know what he was thinking anytime soon. I don’t think he wants me to be that person.” I glanced at my watch, realizing I’d been there for over an hour and shook my head at myself as I held back a yawn. “Thanks for letting me vent and all, but you didn’t ask me to come over to talk about Luis, right?”

Logan’s expression turned momentarily darker. I imagined it matched the seriousness in his tone earlier over the phone. “I swear, I’m not trying to avoid it, but maybe it would be better if we talked about it later. You look tired, and everything you’ve been dealing with lately...would you rather just put on a movie? It would be cool if you could hang out for a while.”

I was still curious about what he had to say, but I was surprisingly okay with that suggestion. The fact that the awkwardness between us had faded since I’d arrived was helpful. Or maybe I was just too tired to notice it, I considered as I swallowed another yawn. “Okay,” I agreed. “For a little while.”

A little while didn’t sound so bad to me. Maybe by the time I left the idea of us remaining friends would feel even more possible. Besides, I was growing rather comfortable three feet away from him as I half laid, half sat on his bed.

Logan smiled, pleased. I felt happy to be the cause of it. Maybe once he knew me as well as my other friends did, he wouldn’t look so eager for me to stay anymore, I thought jokingly. He tapped my foot with his for before he suddenly got up. “Good. I’ll be right back. Are you in the mood to watch anything in particular? I shook my head, in no mood to be picky.

He left his room as silently as we’d entered it to begin with, and I decided to close my eyes for a minute. I could sort these things out. Everything that didn’t feel right. I needed to think so, at least. Eventually Luis would realize that I wasn’t the monster. He’d be sorry for what he did to Nick, and Nick would grow a little understanding and maybe he’d even stop blowing me off. Logan was going to be my friend, and I’d never have to be afraid of being alone with him again.

I could hope, at least.

***

The first thing I did when I opened my eyes again was look at my watch. The time probably wouldn’t have made sense if I was actually paying attention to what it was. For a moment there I guess it really didn’t matter. Logan’s little television was still glowing. I wondered when he was going to start the movie. Maybe he’d get around to it when he stopped messing around with the brighter light that kept hitting my face, warming my skin.

I tried to focus in the direction it was coming from as my hand slid over a shoulder, down an arm. Not mine, but I wasn’t there yet. I squinted my eyes as the light disappeared for a moment, long enough for me to realize it was a curtain blocking the window before the fan in the room separated the fabric again, the sun gaining my attention.

I lifted my watch for the second time, eyes widening on the time. And there was that arm again. I’d managed to pull it across my chest with my movements.

By now, the way I’d stopped breathing...could hear my heart pounding in my ears, it all led to the same conclusion. I knew who that arm belonged to. I knew that I wasn’t supposed to be here.

That pretty much accounted for the way I suddenly rolled off the bed and bruised my hip on Logan’s bedroom floor.

I winced at both the pain, and the sound of the thump I made. I was unreasonable enough at the moment to actually believe I’d created an earthquake. But it seemed there was nothing that dramatic happening when my eyes focused on Logan, who was still asleep, arm cradling his pillow to his face while he shrugged a blanket higher over his shoulder. Completely oblivious to my lunacy. Which, by the way, was about to get worse.

Vowing to never close my eyes for a few minutes again on the off-chance it would always lead to waking up with a guy who wasn’t my boyfriend, I made my way to the bedroom door and reached for the handle. My fingers didn’t even touch the metal before I heard the voices in the other room. Mary, I recognized, her laughter mixing with that of a woman who I assumed was his mother.

I wasn’t going out there.

His family was great. Really, they were. I’m sure it would have been easy to make up an explanation for why I was there. Not all parents were like Randy. Some kids got to have sleepovers. But, I still wasn’t going out there. I felt too trapped for it. I needed to get out, and looking over the room, my best option suddenly seemed to be the window.

I could get out, pretend I’d been in my own bed all night, and for fuck’s sake, stop finding myself in compromising positions with guys who weren’t Nick.

I moved towards the window, obviously, not cautiously enough because my shoulder bumped the hanging cage that belonged to the sugar gliders. They protested my interruption of their beauty sleep with loud chirping... or, barking, actually, from within their pouch. I shushed them and stepped back more carefully.

A quick glance towards the bed told me that thankfully, Logan was none the wiser to my antics. I moved for the window again, thinking to check for a lock before I forced it open. As soon as the cool morning air hit my face I felt better as I carefully slid the screen out and started to boost myself up.

“We do have a door. Would you like to use it?”

I spun around fast, meeting sleepy brown eyes as Logan moved his fingers through his tangled hair. Even scratchy from sleep, his voice managed to sound amused.

“Your family’s up,” I quickly explained.

His lip quirked upwards. “So?”

I had no reasonable response for that. “I have to go,” I finally said.

He moved himself out of bed. “Okay... you’re not freaked out, are you?” he asked, taking a step in my direction. I think I gave him enough of an answer when I took a step away from him. He sighed.

“Logan... I can’t be here,” I said. “Look, I don’t know what happened last night, and...”

“You fell asleep,” he replied, amusement gone.

“Yeah... that part I get. Why didn’t you wake me up?” I couldn’t seem to keep the annoyance out of my voice, but honestly, I would have liked to have an explanation. He shouldn’t have let me stay there.

Logan looked surprised.

“I did try to wake you up,” he informed me. “Before and after I watched a movie. I figured you were knocked the fuck out so I let you sleep.”

I processed that. “Oh.” Then, I turned back to the window.

I needed out. Now.

“Jesse! Will you wait?” With a hand on my shoulder, Logan turned me back. I found myself facing him feeling guarded and trapped. His eyes widened on my expression before something like disappointment slid through them and he took a step back to give me space. “I wish I’d never kissed you. You know, you’re not the one who has something to feel guilty about.”

“Maybe I do,” I blurted. Honesty’s a tricky thing. Sometimes it sneaks up before you can figure out what the truth is. I think I was being honest. I also think he saw it around the same time I did as he regarded me with both caution and curiosity.

But I couldn’t answer whatever questions he had for me.

Taking a deep breath, I aimed for his door this time. “I have to go.”

“Wait,” he stepped in my path, looking as if he were further back than he wanted to be. “Please, I think we should talk.”

“I don’t think I can do that right now,” I warned.

“Fine. Fine, then I will. Did you mean that?” he asked. My response was to move around him. “Okay,” he said quickly. “ I need you to know something before you go. Not only if you meant that... but if you did... I don’t want you to hear it from someone else and think I did it because of Nick.”

That got my attention enough to face him again. “What are you talking about?”

“I kissed you because I like you. I get that I shouldn’t, at least like that, and I should have at the very least kept it to myself.”

“What does that have to do with Nick?” I asked.

Logan’s frown deepened, and I’m not sure I liked anything about the uncertainty suddenly surrounding him. “Like I said, it doesn’t have anything to do with Nick. But what I needed to tell you is, before he was your boyfriend, Jesse, he was mine.”