Leave the Pieces - 7. Limbo

There was a time when things were good. When I’d happily gone home with Nick for the first time I’d looked through his pictures as he leaned over my shoulder with stories that revolved around him. I’d liked it that way. Anything to do with him. We’d come across one where he was standing in front of elephants at the zoo, a guy with sandy hair and a broad mouth at his side. Nick had grown unexpectedly quiet and I’d ended up asking who the guy was.

“It’s no one,” he’d told me before he turned the page.

It was Logan.

He’d been familiar to me. I could place him now. I almost wished that I couldn’t. Maybe then I’d feel less like a complete idiot.

It was bad enough that I felt so betrayed, and not only by him.

I probably deserved the look Lee gave me when I barged into her room on Saturday morning, still wearing my slept-in clothes as my mind continuously reeled over where I’d woken up, and who I’d really woken up with. But I wasn’t in the mood to assure her that I hadn’t lost my mind as she put down her book to sit up on her bed.

“You knew!” I accused before she could get any sort of greeting out.

Now, she just looked at me like I was stupid. “I knew what?” she asked.

“About Logan,” I hissed, mindful enough of her parents being home to quietly shut her door.

“Oh,” Lee replied. I heard guilt in her voice, and I wasn’t about to let that go.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” I demanded.

Whatever guilt was there fled quickly. That happened a lot with Lee. “What does it matter, anyway?” she replied. “If I’d told you, you probably would have felt weird about walking into that store with me.”

“No. I feel weird about hanging out with him!” I snapped.

“That’s not my fault,” she said as she came to her feet. “I didn’t tell you to do that.”

“You didn’t tell me not to.” I pointed a finger at her. Rude, I know, but it couldn’t be helped. “And that day we were shopping with Nick--you hid it from him that I was going to see Logan!”

Lee crossed her arms. “I didn’t think it was the best time to bring it up.”

“You could have at least told me!”

“Jess,” she said impatiently. “Let’s get something straight here. Logan’s my friend, not just Nick’s ex. I didn’t tell you because I thought Logan would. Obviously, I was right--it just took him longer than I thought it would. And I don’t get what the big deal is. They’ve been over forever. You were just hanging out, right? No big deal.” She regarded me expectantly, and must have seen something on my face because her eyes widened and she actually had the nerve to gasp. “No!”

“One kiss,” I admitted under my breath. “He did the kissing, and that was it.” I decided not to explain my feelings over that kiss as I ran a hand roughly through my hair as I started to pace. “Now I’ve got to tell Nick. I have to.”

“No you don’t,” Lee said quickly, and I regarded her with surprise even as she explained. “Like you said... that was it, right? Jess, you can’t tell Nick this. They might be over, but...”

“But what?” I demanded. “You just said it was no big deal.”

“That’s when you were mad at me. Now you’re just acting crazy.”

“I am mad at you!” I informed her.

She waved that off. “Whatever. Look, you can’t tell Nick because he’ll take it out on Logan. You have no idea what a disaster those two were when they split up. I can’t even get Logan to come over anymore. Why don’t you let me talk to him before you do anything.”

“Talk to Nick?”

“Actually, I was thinking Logan.”

“Why?”

“Because it would help to know what he was thinking.”

“So I can explain that to Nick?”

“No!” she said quickly, then sighed. “Jess, are you sure telling him’s the best idea? If it didn’t mean anything, all you’re going to do is hurt Nick and lose Logan.”

I took a seat on her bed and looked up at her. “I’ve already done both of those things.”

Lee frowned and slowly joined me, as if she weren’t sure if it was a good idea to do that at the moment. When she decided it was safe enough, I felt her relax at my side. “ Just how much hanging out did you guys do?”

I let out the breath I’d been holding. “I thought he was my friend.”

Lee thought that over for a moment. “He probably was. Is,” she quickly corrected herself.” He probably is. I know him, Jess, he wouldn’t try to hurt anyone. He was probably afraid to tell you--I’m guessing this is how you reacted when he did?”

That was an understatement.

“He still should have said something,” I insisted. “Maybe I would have stayed away if he did... but this is something I should have known.”

Lee nodded slowly, but I’m not sure she agreed with me.

“So... what are you going to do?”

“I told you. I have to tell Nick. Maybe it doesn’t have to be all of it, but I need him to find out from me.” Like Logan needed me to hear it from him.

“Jess, I don’t think it would come from anyone else... and it doesn’t matter how little you tell him, he’s still going to be angry.”

I looked at her. “So you think I should just keep hiding it from him?” I asked incredulously, wondering when Lee of all people started excusing lies. “You think I should pretend none of it ever happened?”

“I think... before you run your mouth like that you should figure out which one of them you’d rather say goodbye to.”

I blinked at that. Obviously, I couldn’t see Logan anymore. I knew that. And it royally sucked, despite how angry I was with him.

“You think Nick will break up with me over this?” I asked, the idea hitting me.

“No,” Lee replied, and to my surprise she didn’t sound pleased by that. She quickly explained. “I think Nick--and you know I love him, right?--I think he’ll... he won’t let it go, Jess. You won’t be able to fix it. And if it’s as simple as ditching Logan... you probably wouldn’t be so upset about it. So maybe before you decide what to do, you should choose.”

“Choose?” I repeated. “What’s there to choose?”

Lee shrugged, then more or less wrote it out for me. “Nick or Logan.”

I buried my head in my hands. I could do that? Honestly, it was the first time it had occurred to me. Nick or Logan?

In a very short time Logan’s friendship had come to mean a lot to me. When I was with him I could tell him things, things I found it difficult to bring up with others because Logan had never once given me any indication that he couldn’t handle it. If I was upset, obsessing, even, he let me get it out until I was able to move on, and he did so with an understanding that most of the time, I didn’t even have. Not to mention he was fun to be around regardless of whether we were out doing something or just sitting around talking. If I lived in a world where I could have everything I wanted with no consequences I still wouldn’t know if I was ready to be more than just his friend, but I knew that I’d never want to walk away from him the way I was forced to do now.

Nick was the only guy in the world who I’d ever been with. Everything had happened so easily with him in the beginning. We may have our problems now but that didn’t take back the way he’d been there for me during every fight with Randy, and through the initial worries of accepting the fact that I wanted to have a boyfriend. He didn’t deserve to be lied to, and now that I knew the truth about what I’d been doing, I couldn’t just keep it from him. I could see that Logan and I had both been wrong, and if I didn’t tell Nick it would eat at me.

But if I did tell Nick, there was no denying that Lee was right. Part of being with someone is getting to know them. I knew Nick enough to know that he’d find a way to forgive me, but it wouldn’t be a complete forgiveness. It would always be between us, and sooner or later that would break us. If I didn’t tell him, if I pretended it never happened, I couldn’t help wondering if the temptation to see Logan again would be there. If I did that it would be a lie. It would be a betrayal of Nick’s trust and I’d be turning Logan into a backup plan. I’d lose them both.

I had to choose. The right choice just didn’t seem as easy to make as it had seemed when I’d walked in here.

Frustrated, I shook my head at myself and swallowed back the pesky emotions that were so close to rising to the surface. “I don’t want to choose.”

“Yeah,” Lee said quietly as she placed a hand on my shoulder. She didn’t sound very surprised. “But I think that’s why you have to.”

***

My mom’s house was closer than my dad’s, and I needed clothes. Stress left me feeling tired and grimy, and I was becoming claustrophobic in day-old clothes. Unfortunately, I wasn’t sure any kind of shower was going to make me feel clean again.

The house was quiet when I went in. I think I was hoping that I could come and go unnoticed before anyone got out of bed, but unfortunately I heard Randy’s voice in the hall just before I turned on the water.

I took my time and ignored my phone when it rang in the pocket of my jeans on the bathroom floor. Without looking, I knew it was Logan. It could have been anyone, but I just knew. I’d basically told him to fuck himself and got the hell out of there. Leave it to him to be understanding about that and want to talk about it.

I couldn’t talk to anyone right now. I couldn’t choose. Maybe I’d do it later, after I freaked out a little bit. I think I was entitled to at least one good freak-out.

I was a little put out when I finally left the bathroom and discovered that it would have to wait because my mom was having her own.

While Randy sat calmly in the living room she was carrying around a metal coat hanger defensively as she gathered her purse and keys, every so often making a high-pitched squeaking sound.

“Mom?” I asked. I’ll admit this worried me. It had been a while since I’d seen her a little flustered.

“Hi, honey,” she said, her tone rushed. “I’m glad you’re home. Now please, please go help Luis. I have to go. Call me when you find it, then I’ll come back. But I really, really have to go.” Her shoulders convulsed, as if she were experiencing a severe case of the chills.

“I told you we could just call an exterminator,” Randy remarked. He looked too amused. Given his twisted sense of humor, I had a bad feeling about this.

“What’s going on?” I asked as I followed my mother to the door.

She kissed my cheek and then patted it. “Luis lost his snake. Please don’t bring home any more of those, okay?” A squeeze to my shoulder, and she put down the coat hanger and left to do whatever people like her do when something scary is roaming freely in their home.

Frowning at this development, I turned to face Randy, who’d started sneering at my back as soon as my mom was out the door. “Well, don’t just stand there,” he said. “You brought the thing in here. Find it.”

Find it. Right.

As tempted as I was to walk away and let everyone else deal with this, I headed to Luis’s room and found an odd sort of organized chaos. He’d literally taken his room apart in search of his snake, but he was doing it carefully. His dresser had been taken apart, the drawers stacked and moved to the other side of the room, his closet had been completely emptied and his mattress was against the wall as he shined a flashlight through every nook in the box spring. He spared me one glance that said he wasn’t going to ask for any favors and then went back to looking. I sighed and moved for the pile of clothes on the floor.

“Was your door open last night?” I asked as I shook out the first sweater.

“It wouldn’t matter. He could have gotten under it.”

Perfect.

“Maybe we should start at the back of the house and work our way up, then. That means my mom’s room first.”

Luis shook his head as he continued to work through the box spring. “Randy won’t like it.”

“Seeing how my mom isn’t coming back until we find this thing, I think he’ll let it slide.”

I finished shaking out the clothes, and since I had no doubt that Luis had searched every other square inch of that room, it seemed like a good assumption that the snake wasn’t in there. He seemed to have the same sentiment, because he was the first out of the room.

“You don’t have to help me,” he said as he passed. “I’ll do it by myself.”

Not liking his tone, I followed, attempting to hold my tongue. He could be a little more grateful than this. It’s not like I didn’t have better things to do. Like sort out Nick and Logan. Logan. I wished that I could call him. He’d know where a snake would hide. Hell, he’d probably come over and find the thing in two minutes. The very thought put butterflies in my stomach. I did like seeing him.

Maybe Lee was right. Maybe knowing who he was to Nick would have prevented me from knowing Logan at all. I regretted what I’d learned. I didn’t regret knowing him. Butterflies? I rolled my eyes at myself. But just because I thought I was being stupid didn’t make it not true. I felt something. I tried to remember how long ago that had started. Maybe it was new, just my gut telling me that losing him as a friend would be a lot harder than I wanted to admit.

My mom and Randy’s room was by far the most cluttered in the house. I never went in, and now I remembered why. It was like when they decided to move in together, they couldn’t decide whose furniture to use in this particular room, made worse by the fact that what used to be in his living room was now furnishing any empty space that wasn’t still cluttered by boxes. I could tell the moment the full effect of the room hit Luis because he couldn’t help looking defeated.

“Maybe we should start with the dressers, “ I suggested. “They’re closest to the doors.”

“The bed would be better,” Luis replied. “Help me lift it.”

Help? I thought he didn’t need help.

Again, I held my tongue and did what he asked of me. I did it for over the hour it took us to get through my mom’s room, and I did it through Randy coming in to yell at as, demanding we not touch his stuff and making threats over missing items that were right in front of his face. My room was next, and Luis’s record when it came to not breaking anything reset itself when he knocked over my CD tower and stepped on three cases, cracking them in the process. He didn’t apologize, and I doubted it was an accident. I held my tongue. No one was ever again allowed to say I don’t have patience. Especially when it soon came apparent that he wasn’t taking nearly as much care as he had in his own room.

I found it interesting that despite my new way of seeing Luis Yenka, it was still hard not to make excuses for him. Like the fact that he was flustered, and losing his patience on my belongings was almost understandable. He was attached to that snake, after all, and the more we looked, the more it looked like we weren’t going to find it.

But still, the part of me that wasn’t so patient and understanding wished that he didn’t have to be so ungrateful. I could have stopped helping him a while ago. Fuck what anyone said about it. And as I watched the third guy in my life that was currently a source of stress dump the contents of my sock drawer over the floor I seriously considered giving up on guys altogether and wondered if there was a colony of women out there somewhere that would take me in.

I think by the time we got to living room I was feeling as frustrated as Luis. Somewhere between there and the kitchen I’d contemplated taking a break to call Nick. He’d made it clear that he’d be busy all weekend, but given my newest dilemma I felt like I needed to talk to him. Maybe not to tell him anything just yet, but to hear his voice, feel connected as I had just last night on the hammock in Lee’s backyard.

Why couldn’t I have it both ways?

Lee had used the word disaster when referring to Nick and Logan’s breakup. But what about their relationship? No. Wait a minute. I didn’t want to go there. An unmistakable feeling of jealousy rose up in me. It was made worse by the fact that I wasn’t sure which one of them I was jealous of.

But anyway, what if they’d been great together?

What if I could explain to Nick that I’d made a new friend? What if it just happened to be his ex? He didn’t have to know about anything else. If I believed it hard enough, that kiss, those feelings that came with it... that could be put aside. Maybe. Maybe. Why not? Why couldn’t it? I could have both.

Sure I could, on whatever planet I’d temporarily decided to land on. Stupid.

“Will you get your ass out of the way?”

I jumped at the sound of Randy’s voice, and realized that I’d spaced out in front of the television, blocking his view. I was tired of holding my tongue now. Figures. “Why don’t you get off your lazy ass and help us look?” I retorted.

That got Luis’s attention as he looked over his shoulder at us from where he was checking under a chair. But my focus was on Randy, who did happen to get off his ass, but not to help. The way his eyes narrowed on me almost had me backing up but I held my ground, just agitated enough to want a good fight.

Luis moved closer to me, but I’m not sure what his intentions were, I only knew he was regarding Randy expectantly, too. For a moment my stepfather glanced between us, and then a strange, slow smirk spread over his face. I didn’t like the look of it, and not only because I didn’t like anything about the way he looked. Finally, he chuckled to himself and sat back down. “Just find the fucking snake,” he said.

Luis slowly went back to looking. I didn’t. I continued to stare at Randy, that look on his face... something was off, I could practically smell it.

Annoyed that I hadn’t moved yet, he raised a bushy brow in my direction. “What?” he finally demanded.

I found myself shaking my head at him, turned away--and then turned right back, my eyes narrowing. “Where’s the snake?” I asked.

I saw it on his face, right before he hid it. Played dumb. “What?” Randy repeated.

“Where is the snake?” I’d raised my voice. But I wasn’t guessing here. We’d been looking for hours now, for one ball python that was guaranteed not in the house anymore.

Randy waved his hand, laughed at me. Luis moved up behind his chair, looking as equally curious as I. “Move out of the way,” Randy insisted, his focus on the television behind me.

“Just tell us what you did with it,” I insisted.

Randy met my eyes, glaring. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

I opened my mouth to respond to it, but when Luis’s hands suddenly closed over the back of the recliner, shoved it downwards, toppled my stepfather backwards--well, there really wasn’t any point in it anymore.

“You’re lying!” Luis screamed as Randy scrambled to his feet, outraged and cussing. He spun on Luis, his eyes livid.

Maybe I shouldn’t have been surprised that Luis didn’t look intimidated at all. Maybe I shouldn’t have been even more surprised when Luis made the first move, throwing his body at Randy.

At least my physical reflexes were in better shape than my mental ones.

“Luis, stop!” I shouted as I found myself catching him before he could collide with my mom’s husband.

For a moment I could feel the thin, tall length of him fighting against me. He was stronger than he looked. It hurt to hold his arms back. I remembered what he did to Nick. That had probably been easy for him. I held him tighter.

Randy’s eyes were wide, his face red. “You stupid little sonofabitch!” he growled, and when he started to move around the chair I realized that my problems were bigger than just Luis.

“Let go!” Luis screamed, his nails digging into my arms as I turned him around, forced him towards the front door.

“Just stop!” I yelled, and then looked over my shoulder so Randy would know I meant him, too. “Stop!”

Randy pointed a finger at me. “Get that stupid fuck out of my house and don’t let him back in here!”

It didn’t seem like a good time to tell him to fuck off. Besides, it was hard enough with trying to get the front door open before I managed to shove Luis out it. I hardly managed to close it behind me before he was ready to go right back through it, so I shoved him back, down the first step. Then I shoved him again, just for good measure. When his feet were on the front lawn my hands came into contact with his chest and I pushed one more time, just because it felt good. “Why are you doing this?” I demanded. I could feel my voice rising up from my chest, feeling every word. “Why?”

Luis pointed at the house. He had the nerve to look at me like I was crazy. “You said he took the snake!”

“Who the fuck cares about the snake?” I snapped. Because suddenly, this had become about so much more. “Who cares! Every time I fucking turn around--ever since you came back--why the fuck are you doing this?”

His persistence to get back at Randy quickly faded, and I watched the fall in his demeanor as he stared at me. Stared. It’s all he ever fucking did!

I went to push him again, but his hands came up to block me and his footing didn’t budge. I didn’t care. I was in his face as if it had worked. “Stop looking at me like that!” I screamed at him. “Don’t you ever fucking look at me again if you’re not going to say something... just--fucking say something! Say something. I’m so tired... and you--you don’t give a fuck about anything. Nothing.” I pushed again, but there wasn’t much effort in this one. Maybe he sensed it because all he did was turn his shoulder to me to take the blow. Still staring. Always staring. I was exhausted by it. I was exhausted by him. By everything.

“Jesse!”

I’d seen my mom pull up, but didn’t acknowledge it until now as I forced myself away from Luis. Still, she stepped between us as if she needed to.

“What’s going on?” my mom demanded.

I shook my head and slid my hands into my pockets. I felt my keys there and looked at my car, because I didn’t want to look at either of them anymore.

“Jesse?” my mom persisted. I still said nothing. She touched my shoulder but I shrugged her hand off. “Okay... let’s all go inside.”

I swallowed hard. The knot in my throat didn’t taste good.

“You shouldn’t do that until Randy gives Luis his snake back,” I replied. But my voice wasn’t my own. It was too scratchy and tired.

“What?” my mom asked.

I didn’t feel the need to explain, only leave. I didn’t want to stay and deal with what came next. I didn’t want to deal with anything. I heard her calling my name until I got in my piece-of-shit Bronco and drove away from my piece-of-shit life. I pretended that I didn’t.

***

I’d never noticed the shape of the window in the bedroom I kept at my dad’s house. It was almost too oval. Too narrow. Awkward, I guess. But the aspen growing too close to the house that covered the glass with the leaves only allowed the perfect amount of light in for my mood, and I sat there on the edge of my bed staring at it, the same way Luis always stared at me.

“Jess?” I closed my eyes when I heard my name. Chrissy’s voice was soft and patient. She was worried about me. Had been since I showed up. “I’m taking Izzie to her soccer game... how about you come with us? She’d like that.”

Since I’d been afraid of my emotions seeping out the moment I opened my mouth, I only shook my head in response. I heard Chrissy sigh. She wasn’t going to force me, but she wasn’t just going to walk away, either. I felt her fingers soothingly brush my hair back before she gave me an awkward hug around my shoulders and kissed my temple.

“Whatever it is, we’ll do what we can if you tell us,” she said, and I knew she was speaking for both herself and my dad. I didn’t plan to tell them anything at all, but I still nodded my head, hoping that it would make her comfortable enough to leave me alone.

Chrissy seemed to think it over for another minute before the door clicked shut and the room darkened again. I allowed myself to fall sideways until my head came into contact with the soft, cool pillow, and I didn’t move for a very long time.

I think part of my problem was that I was thinking too much. It was easier not to do that, and not to care. By the next day I was still making a point not to do either, regardless of how many times my dad or Chrissy came to check on me. The only exception I’d made had been Saturday night when Izzie demanded I help tuck her in. It just wasn’t smart to say no to Izzie.

It was almost noon on Sunday when my dad insisted on there being light in my room and convinced me to eat something. He sat in my room with me for an hour or so trying to get me to talk to him. I blamed my mood on puberty, but he wasn’t buying it.

“Your mom said something happened with Luis,” he said.

I shook my head and pulled my pillow over my head. Every time I thought about anything lately the moisture from my eyes would wet my lashes. I wanted it to dry the fuck up.

“Everything’s fine,” I insisted against the fabric of the pillowcase.

“Obviously, it isn’t,” my dad replied. “Did you have a fight?”

“No.”

“Your mom said...”

“Dad, please. I don’t care what she said. Everything’s fine.” I turned my back to him. “I’m just tired.”

***

Being tired wasn’t a good enough excuse on Monday morning when it was time to go to school. Chrissy packed a lunch for me and my dad watched me pull out of the driveway.

I did drive to school, but only sat in the parking lot long enough to know everyone in the household had left for the day before I turned around and went back to bed.

There were blissfully few problems when I was in bed.

Of course, my dad got home early enough to tell me he knew I hadn’t gone to school. I told him I was sick so he made a doctor appointment for Tuesday. Turns out I was in perfect health and capable of joining the family for dinner.

On Wednesday Lee showed up, but I talked Chrissy into sending her away. My dad wasn’t as easy to get around when my mom called that night and he put me on the phone with her. She wanted to know when I was coming home. I assured her that I was only taking a break and would be back soon. I didn’t ask about the snake, or Luis.

“At least promise me you’ll go to school tomorrow,” she said.

“Right. I can do that,” I agreed. Maybe.

As soon as I hung up with her I held out the phone for my father, who was regarding me worriedly. “Are you sure you don’t want to come down?” he asked. “Chrissy rented some pretty good movies.”

I forced my lips upwards in a lame attempt at a smile. It felt a lot more like a grimace. “No thanks.”

I was relieved when it seemed like he was going to leave me alone, and after I stripped down and pulled on a comfortable pair of shorts I climbed right back into the equally comfortable bed. I was really starting to like my bed.

I felt almost unreasonably frustrated not long after when my bedroom door opened again and my light turned on.

“I said I don’t want to watch a movie,” I protested, pulling the covers higher over my head.

“Lee called and said you were here. She said you needed to talk to me.”

I froze. That wasn’t my dad’s voice. It wasn’t the voice of anyone who belonged in the house.

Sitting up slowly, I pulled the blanket down and squinted in Logan’s direction. Leaning against the door he looked cautious, and yet the smile that touched his broad mouth was sincere, not fake at all. It scared the shit out of me that he was there.

“I didn’t call Lee,” I quickly informed him. I suddenly felt the need to get out of bed and put on a shirt. I worked on doing that while he watched.

“She told me that, too,” he admitted.

I frowned at him. “Then what are you doing here?”

He shrugged, pushed off the door. “Your dad let me in. Didn’t even ask who I was, actually. Just said I should drag you out of bed.” He smiled again. “Looks like I don’t have to.”

“Logan...” I was in no mood for jokes.

“Look... Lee’s worried. She said you haven’t shown up at school... you won’t call me back.”

“My phone’s at home--my other home,” I explained.

“You wouldn’t have called me back if it was here,” he said quietly. His expression grew serious. “Are you okay, Jess?”

I blinked a few times. That stupid crying thing was happening again. No way in hell I was going to do it in front of him. I cleared my throat. “Yeah. I’m fine.”

“I don’t believe you.”

“That’s too fucking bad,” I snapped.

Logan blinked at me, seeming surprised. I immediately felt bad about it, but didn’t have the chance to say so because it didn’t seem like he was going to take offense. “I didn’t mean to fuck everything up for you.”

I took in a breath. Suddenly ignoring my problems wasn’t going to work for me as I shook my head at him. “You didn’t. You didn’t do anything, okay? I just... I can’t talk to you right now.”

Logan nodded, as if he understood that, too. But, it’s not like he made an attempt to go anywhere. “Have you talked to Nick?” he asked.

“No.”

“Maybe you should.”

Maybe. Probably. But I hadn’t even tried to call him. Come to think of it, as far as I knew, he hadn’t tried to call me, either. I didn’t have my phone, but he would have known where to find me, just like Lee. Maybe a few days ago it would have bothered me that he hadn’t shown up. Maybe it did now. I wasn’t sure yet.

“I don’t know what to say to him,” I confided. Not sure why I’d tell him that now, given the circumstances. But I was in an honest mood. Too tired to be anything otherwise. I decided to be honest some more. “I don’t know what to say to you, either.”

Logan made a sound that sounded like laughter, but I heard no humor in it. “I don’t know what to say to you,” he said. His face had fallen, and for a moment I forgot that I was the one who was supposed to be upset as I watched him make a helpless gesture with his hands before he sat on my unmade bed, straightening my pillow without seeming to know he was doing it. “I don’t even know why I’m here... I wasn’t going to come, when Lee called me. I told her I wasn’t.” He looked up, suddenly meeting my eyes. “But I don’t want to leave things like this. I don’t really care if you end up hating me; but if you do, I need you to say it before I leave here.”

I shook my head, incredulous over the fact that he’d ask me for something so impossible. Yet, I couldn’t bring myself to tell him just how impossible that it was. Instead I asked for answers that I’d been too upset to pursue before.

“Why didn’t you just tell me?” I asked. “You could have said something when you said you knew I had a boyfriend.” That conversation, and the admission Logan had made during it hurt me the most, I think. It had meant a lot to meet someone without secrets attached. Maybe that’s why I’d enjoyed being with him so much. I didn’t have to hide anything from him. There was no secret over my head, no wondering how to best mention who I was, or how he’d take it. From the beginning with him, I’d been free. He couldn’t say the same, and that was infuriating.

But he seemed unapologetic as he shrugged one shoulder. “I didn’t want you to leave that night. You would’ve.”

Okay. So he might have a point. Knowing what his friendship had come to mean to me, and how it felt to think I could have never had it prevented me from arguing with that.

“You still could have told me. There were plenty of times you could have told me.”

“And I did,” he insisted, rising from the bed to take a frustrated step in my direction. “I did tell you as soon as I realized...”

“Realized what?” I demanded when he didn’t respond. “That you were lying to me?”

“No. No. Jess, I was curious about you at first, okay? I knew who you were, and I was curious. To be honest I was kind of hoping you were a complete jackass. But you’re not...” He held up his hand suddenly, as if he wanted to reach for me. It only lasted a moment before he withdrew it, his fingers curling into a fist before he allowed them to relax again. “I never thought of you as Nick’s boyfriend when we were together. It was in the back of my mind, yeah. But it didn’t matter because you and me... it had nothing to do with Nick. Not until I realized that I like you. I liked you before...” He let out a breath, shrugged to himself and met my eyes evenly. “You don’t want me to lie to you, so I won’t. I don’t want to be just your friend. I could be. I like you enough that I could just be that person that’s just there... we could keep hanging out. I’ll put on a face so convincing that eventually you’ll forget I feel like that at all. If you want me to do that, I will. If you don’t say anything to Nick and you’re still with him you’ll never know how much I want to fucking choke the life out of both of you every time you mention his name to me. I’ll do that for you because I hope that eventually this thing I feel will go away, and I really will be able to be just your friend.”

I placed my hand over my forehead, slid it down over my eyes. What he made me feel, that complete agony... choose. Fuck if he was offering me exactly what I wanted. It meant nothing because we both knew that after that... I’d never be able to look at him and not know how he was feeling. I’d never be just his friend, not unless, as he put it himself, it just went away. How could I want it to go away?

Fuck him.

Fuck him for this.

I wanted to say it. But I couldn’t, because despite the way I rejected everything out of his mouth right now, writing him off was next to impossible.

“What happened with you and Nick?” I blurted. It was an underlying question. Maybe I didn’t want the answer, but I had to ask the question. It was at the very least, a distraction from what was happening now. Choose. No. Don’t want to.

This time Logan did touch me. He traced the curve of my shoulder to my collarbone, finally resting the palm of his hand between my chest and my neck, watching his hand in the process, making it easier not to look at me. “I’m not going to tell you,” he finally said, his voice barely more than a whisper. “It has nothing to do with you and Nick.”

“You’re not going to say anything?” I demanded, admittedly surprised by that.

To my surprise, the corner of Logan’s mouth quirked up into a smile. “I think my big mouth has already said enough.”

I couldn’t match that smile, because I didn’t agree. I felt like I needed him to keep talking. Maybe if he talked a little more he’d talk things back to normal. Of course, I wasn’t the best judge of normal lately, which is why I did what I needed to do in the moment, and stepped away from his hand. The one touching me. I lost contact with his eyes and I heard him sigh, as if he knew exactly what I was thinking. I said it, anyway.

“I can’t talk to you right now. I’m sorry, but...”

“I said what I needed to,” Logan cut me off. “And I get it.”

He headed to the door suddenly. Just like that. Maybe under the circumstances I didn’t have a right to feel offended, but I couldn’t seem to help myself because I had a feeling that he didn’t get it at all.

“Logan,” I said quickly, causing him to pause with his hand on the doorknob. “I can’t talk to you--yet.”

He didn’t look back, but at least I could hear less disappointment in his voice. “I think I can live with that.”

***

“Are you serious?” My dad sounded annoyed. I guess I could understand that when he didn’t even say hello after I’d answered the phone thirty seconds after walking into my mom’s house and found him on it.

“I’m feeling better,” I said. Not entirely true, but he didn’t need to know that right now.

Thirty minutes ago I’d walked out of his house. Chrissy had been shocked enough. He’d run out for popcorn at Izzie’s request and I’ll admit to taking advantage of his absence by getting out of there with little explanation.

Come to think of it, I still didn’t have any real explanation. An hour ago I’d been in bed, not interested in getting out. Logan’s showing up had changed something. Maybe it simply told me it was time to start dealing with things. Or maybe as Chrissy had bluntly put it before I walked out the door, I was having some really freaky mood swings.

“So you went home,” my dad stated, as if processing that fact.

“Yeah, well...”

I was momentarily distracted when my mom walked into the living room and smiled when she saw me. She also saw that I was on the phone and showed me she was happy that I was home by silently smothering me with a hug and two kisses before she let go.

“Jess, are you sure that’s a good idea?” My dad was beginning to sound impatient.

“Yeah, Dad,” I replied as I nodded at my mom, who indicated that she’d be in the kitchen. “I mean... why wouldn’t it be?”

“Because we still haven’t talked about why you left.”

With my mom gone, I sighed and sat myself down on the couch. “Luis and I will be fine,” I insisted. “I mean... I think I was just overwhelmed. That’s all. I’m good now.”

“Are you sure it’s just Luis?” my dad wanted to know.

I frowned. “Dad... you know, I just walked in, and...”

“I want you to call me back tomorrow,” he said, knowing me well enough to understand he’d get nowhere now. “After school.”

“Sure,” I agreed.

“Jesse, I’m serious.”

“Okay. I’ll call you.”

I think I had him reasonably convinced, because he let me off the phone. While personally, I could have skipped it, I headed to the kitchen to talk to my mom for a minutes. Keeping our voices down because Randy had gone to bed with a migraine, I had to convince her that I was okay, too. I lied, telling her school had me stressed and I just needed some rest. My mom was usually more easily convinced than my dad. She only needed to hear I was happy, and in her world, all was well. There was nothing different about this time.

Luis’s door was closed when I passed it in the hall. My mom had explained he’d been quiet all weekend. There wasn’t much difference there. My mounting frustration with him over the last few weeks made it nearly impossible for me to try to care how he was doing. So I couldn’t really say what compelled me to open his door.

Maybe I didn’t really have to try when it came to caring about Luis. Maybe I just sucked when it came to staying mad at people. I realized it the minute I saw him staring blankly at his empty terrarium.

“Still no snake.” It wasn’t really a question. Luis only glanced over his shoulder at me for a brief moment. He’d acknowledged my presence, at least, so I moved closer, looked with him. “Look... maybe... I mean, we could always get you another one.”

This time he looked at me like I didn’t understand him at all. But, then his frown grew deeper. “Do you think Randy killed it?”

I couldn’t describe how badly I wanted to tell him something he’d want to hear, but I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t wondered about that, too. “I don’t know.”

For a moment he looked like he wanted to say more, but as if he’d just remembered the last time we came face to face, he plugged my headphones into his ears and turned back to where his snake used to live. Sighing, I left him how he was. Apparently, I was the only one who had a problem staying angry.

***

I wanted to see Nick. It felt like a revolving door lately. I became insecure, I’d see him, I’d feel better--I’d be insecure again. This time it felt different. This time I knew what I had to feel insecure about, because I needed to talk to him. I just didn’t know when, or how I was going to do that. Choose. Easier said than done.

I went to school the morning after returning from my dad’s with a sense of urgency I couldn’t bring myself to live up to, despite a nagging feeling that I was running out of time. But right away I realized that I was going to have the problem of doing more thinking than talking. I wanted to take a good, hard look at what Nick and I had, minus the drama we’d experienced lately. I needed that.

I thought it would be easy when he was one of the first people I saw. As if everything was normal--so, so, normal--he caught up to me outside and we walked towards our first classes together as he chatted me up about the last few days. I figured at the very least I’d have some explaining to do. I’d been gone. I’d been stressed over the idea of it before I became stressed over the idea of not doing it.

He hadn’t asked me.

I’d been under the misguided impression that he’d want to know where I’d been.

Honestly, I wasn’t looking for attention, and I quickly took into account that he could have heard something from Lee and didn’t want to bother me about it. But I soon realized how insane that idea was when Lee approached me at lunch. She did a great job of acting like nothing was wrong in front of Jarred and Gene. I discovered that just that morning she’d told them I’d been out with a stomach flu. Nick hadn’t been around for that conversation.

I guess I should have been grateful that she was making excuses for me when it came to everyone else, anyway. But if I didn’t know any better I would have thought she was sucking up after sending Logan in my direction.

“Jess?” she asked, the moment we were alone.

“I’m okay,” I insisted.

She looked skeptical. “Have you talked to anyone?”

I cut her a glare that clearly said she knew the answer to that. She had the decency to look guilty. “I’m sorry about that, but I was worried, and it was either going to be one or the other, but since Logan was the only one who knew what was going on...”

“Forget it,” I said, and meant it. I needed to forget it for now.

Lee sighed. “Okay... but what about Nick? Do you know...?”

“I saw him this morning,” I said, lowering my voice as Gene and Jarred headed back in our direction. “I don’t know what to say to him yet.”

Jarred suddenly dropped a juice box in front of me. “Apple,” he said cheerfully. “Mom gives it to me when I’m sick.” Then he made a face. “Not sure if it really works.”

I smiled at him. Sometimes a juice box from a friend could make everything better, if only for a little while. “Thanks, Jarred.”

***

Luis had the rest of the week to serve out his in-school suspension. I think it was for the best. But lately I also believed that just a little bit, the world revolved around me and I currently didn’t have the time to worry about him making trouble and pissing off my friends.

Maybe that was a little harsh. I’ll admit it. But it’s not like he was trying to make any friends, and just because I was making an attempt to be civil to him didn’t mean I was going to let what he did to Nick go. I’m not sure that sentiment was shared by everyone. Just over an hour after sitting down to lunch with my friends I had a free period that I usually spent catching up on homework I didn’t get done overnight. I was on my way there when I caught Lee moving through the hall with a tray from the cafeteria. I made a face at her. “I didn’t know we could take two lunches.”

She rolled her eyes at me. “I got permission to see Luis while he eats. Do you want to come with?”

I could practically feel the confusion crawl up through my skin and take over my face, even as I made a strong attempt to hide it. I knew Lee had wanted to call him before. She was still willing to make an effort despite his general attitude towards people. People who could be his friends. My gut told me to warn her off. The last thing I wanted was to see her get hurt, and I could see Luis pushing her good intentions away having that effect. But even so, I just couldn’t bring myself to tell her she was wasting her time. I felt like I was wasting my time with him all the time, yet every time I opened that door and extended friendship there was still the hope that he’d come around.

“Go ahead,” I insisted. “I’ve got too much to catch up on.”

Besides, I didn’t want any leftover homework later. I’d already decided that I’d be staying after school to watch Nick’s rehearsals. He hadn’t asked me to, but I had it in my head that it would be easier to think things over with him in close proximity. I wanted to see his face, and his smile. I wanted him to ask me where I’d been. He didn’t, not even when he unexpectedly showed up in the theater seat next to me as he sipped his water and gave the impression that listening to his director while he picked at a loose string on his jeans for the last half hour had been exhausting.

“When do you want to find dates for homecoming?” he asked.

“What?” We’d talked about it before. At school, neither one of us was out except to a small group that showed up at Lee’s house almost every weekend through the summer. We weren’t exactly planning to expand on that, and when it came to school events like dances we’d thought we’d have more fun finding a couple of girls to go with us. They’d have to know it wasn’t a date, of course.

“Kim Dundis asked me to go,” he explained, and I looked at the girl he referred to, still standing next to the stage. This year’s Dorothy. I couldn’t help the way my eyes narrowed on her, but there was a good reason for that.

“She wants you to go on a date with her?”

Nick smiled at me, as if my tone were ridiculous. “She’s got a friend, and we already agreed that we wouldn’t be dancing with each other.”

“Nick, Kim doesn’t know you and me... I mean...”

“So? It’s not like she has to know. She’s a cool girl. I’ll just let her know I’ll go as friends.”

I thought that over, deciding it sounded somewhat reasonable. “I guess, but...”

“Cool. I gotta go. I’ll see you after rehearsal.”

Frowning, I watched him head back towards the stage. Cool, huh? I wondered if he’d think everything was cool if he knew I’d been hanging out with his ex-boyfriend and wanted to give up that friendship less and less all the time.

Not long ago it would have bothered Nick. Me talking to people that weren’t him had bothered him. When it wasn’t a little annoying, it was cute. Now I was getting the feeling that he didn’t give a damn who I talked to, who I was around--what I was doing, even. There was nothing cute about it.

It’s not like I hadn’t noticed a difference with him, but I think that was the first time I realized that it was time to acknowledge it, and it was time to figure out what I wanted to do next.

When it came to Nick, I tried. Over the next few days I watched his rehearsals and I walked him to class, and the few moments I saw him during lunch I smiled at him and basically--waited. I waited for the change I needed from him. Divine intervention. A slap in the face. Any random sign would do, really. But by Friday afternoon it became painfully clear that Nick and I were over before the word choose had even entered my vocabulary. I’m not sure that should have relieved me the way it did.

I was sad, too, but relieved was the better way to describe it. Even if we weren’t together anymore, that didn’t mean I had to lose him entirely. Maybe we’d even make better friends, I thought. Maybe Nick and Logan could never be expected to be in the same room together, but that didn’t mean I couldn’t be friends with both of them. I didn’t have to fucking choose. Yeah. Because I was choosing me.

I was feeling confident as I planned to tell him after rehearsal. He hadn’t expressed an interest in hanging out with me outside of school lately, but then, I hadn’t told him that we needed to talk. As I left my final class I continued to convince myself that this was no big deal. In fact, I didn’t think Nick was going to mind what I had to tell him at all. Keep it friendly, right? Yeah.

“Mr. Hill?”

I turned, recognizing my teacher’s voice and quickly checked to make sure I had my backpack with me, even as I turned to face him. Everything was accounted for so I regarded him expectantly.

“You’re needed in the office,” he said. “Can you go there now?”

“Um... sure.”

Damn it. I wasn’t sure dealing with interruptions was a good idea right now. I needed to go watch Nick practice. Nick, Nick, Nick. If I didn’t go through with this now, I wasn’t sure when I would.

I was agitated by the time I reached the office, and when I saw Luis sitting there once again, that feeling doubled. What the hell had he done now? His expression, as usual, gave nothing away, and I was feeling too impatient to try to get it out of him as I turned to the same woman who’d been behind the desk the last time we were both in this room together. To my surprise, she only smiled and held out a phone for me. “Your mother needs to talk to you.”

Sighing, I took it from her, brought it to my ear. “Mom?”

“Jess. Good. I need you to take Luis home today. Did they find him alright?”

I glanced over my shoulder at the boy in question. “Yeah, but...”

“Jess, please,” she cut me off, sounding annoyed over my coming objection. “I’m in the emergency room with Randy, I need you to take Luis home today.”

I felt myself perk up a little. I wondered if that was wrong. “What happened to Randy?

“He sprained a toe, I think. He’ll be fine. Jess, I’m serious about...”

“Yeah, yeah. I’ve got him.”

“Good. I’ll see you when I get home.”

As soon as I hung up with her, I turned and regarded Luis seriously before nodding for him to follow me. “Come on.” This was a bad idea. An honest to god, bad idea.

“Where are we going?” Luis asked me when it became obvious we weren’t headed to the student parking lot.

I let out a breath and regarded him beseechingly. “Look, Luis, there’s something I have to do. I need you to...” Behave? Well, yes, but the wording seemed wrong to me. “I just need you to do nothing.” If I didn’t know any better, I’d say the look he gave me over that one was somewhat amused. “We’re going to watch Nick rehearse for a play,” I explained. “Under the circumstances, he’s probably not going to want to see you there at all.” I gave him a pointed look. He didn’t so much as bother to look ashamed of himself. If anything, his tone was annoyed.

“But we’re going anyway?” he asked.

“Yes. Then, I need to talk to him before we go home.”

Luis shrugged. “Whatever you say. I’ll just wait outside.”

I frowned, not sure if that was a good idea. It’s not that I didn’t trust him, I just... I didn’t trust him. “You know, if I thought this could wait it would wait,” I said defensively. I wasn’t sure how else to explain it to him. I highly doubted he wanted to know, anyway. It’s not like he hadn’t made it more than clear where he stood regarding me and my boyfriend--me having a boyfriend.

“I said it’s fine,” he replied. “I’ll wait...unless you wanna just talk to him now. I can wait right here.” When he suddenly stopped walking my first reaction was to tell him to stop being a smartass, but soon enough I realized that he was serious when I spotted Nick walking towards the auditorium with Kim, or Dorothy, as I’d started calling her.

It had been unexpected to see him so soon, and for a moment I found myself hesitating. But then, why not just get it over with now? Sighing, I moved in Nick’s direction, no longer caring whether or not Luis was with me. “Nick!” I called. He didn’t seem to hear me, despite being within a reasonable distance. I was guessing a large part of that had to do with him being distracted by something in the opposite direction.

Lee and Logan hadn’t noticed that Nick was watching them yet, or the way he excused himself from Kim/Dorothy and headed in their direction. They hadn’t seen me, either, or they might have noticed that Nick wasn’t the only one who looked confused and maybe just a little bit horrified.