Leave the Pieces - 5. Reason, Gone

A deep breath was in order. I took one as I tried to work up the nerve to look Luis in the eyes. If only I wasn’t so intimidated by him.

But that was the best way I knew how to describe it. He honestly scared the shit out of me. I ended up holding that breath I took. Forgot how to let it out for a minute there and ended up coughing.

I felt like whatever friendship I’d developed with him was still fragile. I didn’t want to break what was there. It hurt to think that I already had, the moment he saw me with Nick.

First things first.

“Logan’s just my friend,” I said honestly. I moved to sit down on the steps with him. Cautiously, of course, just in case he planned on telling me to piss off. He didn’t. “Look,” I continued. “My parents don’t know I’m gay... I’m not ready for them to know.”

He shrugged. I wasn’t sure I should be encouraged by that. I hated that I couldn’t read him. I wished at the very least he’d show me how he was feeling if he wasn’t going to tell me. Like it or not I cared about how he saw me. The fact that I didn’t feel accepted by him on three different levels made me want to apologize, even, for who I was. But I held off on that as Lee’s words came back to haunt me. “I’m gay,” I repeated, “and it’s not the same as....”

As what? I couldn’t use that. It’s not like Luis had confided anything to me about Brooks. It may have felt like I was being compared to a monster, but feeling it didn’t make it true. I couldn’t use that.

“They want me to testify.”

Huh? I looked at Luis, who was staring at his hands. Was he comparing me now? Actually, it didn’t sound like we were even talking about me anymore.

I’d take it.

“What?” I asked.

“They want me to testify against Brooks,” he repeated. “In a courtroom.”

I nodded slowly. He didn’t sound very happy about this idea, so I repeated what I’d been hearing for weeks. “It might not even come to that.”

“It will,” Luis replied, leaving no room for doubt in his tone. “He won’t take a deal because he doesn’t think I’ll do it. He thinks he can trust me.”

Seriously, this had nothing to do with my being gay, right? Right?

“Can he trust you?” I asked, trying to catch up to the conversation we were having now.

Luis met my eyes. His looked black in the dark, and no less hollow than they always were. “I know what people think about me.” Maybe his expression didn’t give anything away, but there was definitely anger in his voice. “They want to know things, like why I never tried to get away. They think I liked being with him. They don’t know. Nobody knows... and now they want me to tell them all.”

I couldn’t seem to help the way I suddenly reached for him. “Luis....”

But before I could place even one comforting finger on his shoulder he ducked out from under my hand and retreated into the house.

And I thought I was the one trying to run.

***

So, maybe I’d overreacted. Luis knowing that Nick and I were a couple didn’t seem like the end of the world anymore. In fact, he hadn’t mentioned it again at all. Then again, he hadn’t mentioned much of anything lately. I’m sure he wanted me to forget about his worries over testifying. Luis didn’t talk unless it was on his own terms, so after a second attempt at bringing it up I let it go, hoping that he’d talk to someone when he was ready to vent again.

In the meantime, I tried to focus on the things that made me happy. Like starting school.

It took about two days to sink into a schedule. In the morning I gave a ride to Jerry, Gene and Luis. In the afternoon my mom picked up Luis. Usually he had an appointment somewhere, and I spent my time with my friends and doing the inevitable homework. There was nothing too special during school hours. I only found one of my classes truly boring, and I found myself paying just a little extra attention during anything that had to do with science.

Nick had wanted more to do with the theater this year, and he was spending half his lunch break doing it before he met up with the rest of us. I’d decided not to make a big deal about him not calling me the last weekend. I wasn’t the only one who seemed relaxed to get back into the swing of things. Maybe he was busier now, but when we saw each other at school he gave no indication that anything was wrong with us. It helped that Lee had noticed and commented on it, too.

Everyone seemed to have an easy start this year. Even Luis seemed to be doing okay. He was keeping a low profile, and when I’d stopped at his last class the first day to see how he’d done I heard his teacher praising his math skills, even suggesting that he take another test to make sure he wasn’t ready for something more advanced. I tried to make positive comments about it, but I only got dirty looks for my effort.

I’d also tried to get Luis to spend lunch with us. Lee had tried the same but it seemed that he’d rather pretend not to know any of us while we were there. Lee took more offense to that than I did. But, it’s not like it surprised me. What surprised me was the first Wednesday after school started when Jarred caught up to me in the hall between classes, his large hand dropping on the back of my neck to turn me in the direction that he wanted me to face.

“Hey. Hey. Are you seeing this?” he demanded, sounding annoyed.

“Um...” I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to be looking at, but that hurt.

“Fuck. Let up, Jarred,” Gene said, thankfully coming to my rescue.

“Sorry,” Jarred said quickly, releasing me.

There wasn’t much of a size difference between us, but sometimes Jarred could be overly aggressive without knowing it. I rubbed at my neck. “That’s okay,” I insisted. “So... what’s going on?” Jarred was now busy scowling down the crowded hallway, so I looked at Gene. “What’s going on?” I asked him.

Gene, much more gently, plucked at my shirt sleeve until I was standing more in front of him and pointed over my shoulder. “Luis is making friends,” he explained.

Very quickly, my reaction was to consider this a good thing. Of course, I was surprised when I realized who it was he was talking to. Karen Feeley was one of the prettier girls in our school, and often guys would complain about her being unapproachable.

“I was asking her out,” Jarred complained. “I think she was actually going to say yes this time.”

Gene patted his brother sympathetically on the back. “I’m sure she wasn’t.”

Jarred made a face at him and then looked at me. “Luis comes out of nowhere and starts talking to her like it’s nothing, and she just ignores me... It’s like he’s got celebrity status or something... and the little fucker... I swear he did it on purpose. He gave me a look. He gave me a look,” he repeated to Gene, as if I didn’t believe him.

“Yeah. I saw that,” Gene said.

“That’s nothing,” Lee added as she joined us. “Today he ended up across from my class in the gym. He had half the girls in there swooning after him, and I heard Megan and Clair arguing about which one of them he asked out. Here, Jess, you’re going to want my notes in Mrs. Pell’s class.”

I took the notebook she was offering me, but continued watching Luis, a little boggled by this development. Who knew, right? At least he was socializing. But, facing my friends, I quickly realized that they didn’t agree with my acceptance of it. In fact, they were all looking at me, as if I’d done something particularly unusual.

I took a step back. “What?” I demanded. “It’s not like I have any control over him.”

“Well this is getting out of hand,” Lee informed me. “Maybe you should talk to him, Jess.”

“And what am I supposed to say?” I demanded. “Stop making friends?”

“I don’t think that’s what he’s doing,” Lee replied. “Karen has a boyfriend, and I know for a fact that Luis saw them together at lunch.”

“She does not,” Jarred quickly protested, but he didn’t sound like he believed himself.

“Yes, she does,” Lee insisted. She looked at me again. “He’s going to get himself in trouble.”

I put up my hands helplessly. “Look, I don’t think he means anything by it,” I insisted, but Lee was still giving me that look. “Fine, so you talk to him. It looks like he’d rather hear it from a girl.”

Lee’s eyes widened. “I can’t do that.”

“Only because you’re jealous,” Gene remarked under his breath. Everyone heard it and Lee was fast about punching his arm. Gene only laughed at her effort.

“Are you?” I asked, surprised.

Lee didn’t look like she was denying it, but she did cross her arms defensively. “Luis doesn’t want anything to do with me,” she said. “I tried to talk to him earlier--I was just saying hi,” she quickly added when Gene opened his mouth to say more. “He looked at me like I didn’t even exist.”

I frowned at that, beginning to see the problem. Lee had been nicer to him than most since he’d come back. From where she was standing, he already had friends, but wasn’t choosing to acknowledge them.

I sighed. “If you want I can tell him he should apologize to you,” I told her, but Lee didn’t look impressed.

“Forget it, Jess,” she said. “I don’t need you to defend me. Luis might, though, if he keeps this up.”

“He’ll definitely need that,” Jarred agreed. Gene gave him a shove and gave me an apologetic glance. I didn’t know what to say as they all turned to go their separate ways, none of them happy.

I tried to hide the frown on my face the moment Nick came in my direction, breaking apart from a mixed group of girls and a few guys. “Hey,” he said before his eyes drifted in Luis’s direction and his brows lifted slightly. “Looks like he’s making friends. Cool, right?”

“Yeah,” I replied, no longer convinced. “Cool.”

***

Alright. Lee might have had a point. This was definitely getting out of hand.

Thursday morning when a guy from the marching band threw a soda at the back of Luis’s head, and Luis dodged it as if he’d seen it coming, and then smirked--he’d actually smirked at the guy--I decided that maybe it was time to do a little investigating.

“What was that all about?” I demanded as I caught up to Luis on his way to class, the soda can leaving a mess on the floor behind him.

Luis only shrugged. “Don’t know what you mean,” he replied.

I might have called him on that one if he hadn’t ducked into his first class. But it turned out I didn’t need him to explain it to me as I saw the same trombone player who’d thrown the can arguing with a girl who’d watched the whole thing. Another happy couple bites the dust.

Maybe my friends were right. Luis was being a jerk. But after more observation when I made a point to watch him between classes, I had a feeling that it had nothing to do with his lack of people skills.

I’ll admit, I would have been happy if he’d developed a sudden interest in girls, but that didn’t seem to be the case. Sure, maybe he liked the attention. He was certainly using his celebrity status to his advantage. It would be stupid to think that most of the people in my school hadn’t read his name in the headlines. But there were things they didn’t know about him. Like, letting people in freaked him out. Luis didn’t want to make friends. I was beginning to wonder if he’d prefer to make more enemies. What other reason would he have to only flirt with girls who were already attached. Or, in a few cases, weren’t and simply had another guy interested.

I kept waiting for one of those girls to make more of a move on him. I had a feeling as soon as someone tried to touch him that fake smile on his face would go away and he’d run off to hide somewhere. He really didn’t like to be touched. But his body language said otherwise. He’d move into someone’s personal space on his terms, his height used in his advantage. I was half tempted to ask Lee to go hug him, call him on his bluff and put an end to this, but by lunch she seemed so disgusted with him that when I stood from our usual table and headed in his direction, I couldn’t have paid her to come with me. Gene and Jarred were even less interested, and if Nick was around I’m sure he’d share the sentiment.

But I was worried that the next soda can wouldn’t miss, and even if Luis didn’t see it for himself, I knew he didn’t need any more problems, so I took my lunch and invited myself to sit on the concrete beneath a premature tree with him before he invited anyone he shouldn’t to do it.

He looked surprised to see me there. Furthermore, he looked like he was about to get up and walk away, as if my company was the last he wanted near him.

“You should knock it off,” I warned him.

Again, he regarded me as if he didn’t understand what I meant. I knew better.

“You’re not exactly trying to make friends, here,” I continued.

That, he didn’t pretend not to understand. “So?”

“So... you could,” I insisted, letting out a breath. “Look, why don’t you just come sit with us?”

“I don’t want to.”

“Well do you want our friends to think you’re a jerk?” I said impatiently. “Because that’s what’s happening.”

Luis cocked his head at me. “They’re not my friends, Jesse.”

I frowned. “You could change that.”

“Hey,” Nick said when he suddenly showed up at my side. He looked from where we were to the table where Lee, Gene and Jarred were. “What’s going on?”

That was a good question, I thought, more focused on the way Luis was looking at my boyfriend. His eyes had narrowed even while he’d wiped anything to give away why off his face, and without warning, he stood and walked away.

Nick’s eyes widened slightly at me before he turned his head to watch Luis disappear. “I don’t get it,” he said.

“Yeah,” I admitted. “Neither do I.”

Nick shrugged. “Oh, well. So, let’s go sit at a real table.”

I touched his arm to prevent him from standing, and when he looked at me expectantly I smiled at him. “Lets stay here,” I suggested.

He glanced towards all the feet passing by us in close proximity. “Here?”

I shrugged as I picked up my plastic fork and dug into my lunch. “Why not? I wanted to talk to you, anyway.”

“Um... okay,” he replied, still not looking thrilled about the idea of no table as he opened his brown lunch sack. “What about?”

Good question. I’d decided not to tell him that Luis had seen us. I was no longer worried that Luis had in his mind to tell someone, and it’s not like the guy needed another reason for someone to dislike him. Compared to everyone else at the moment, Nick was being completely accepting. I didn’t want to destroy that, just in case Luis decided to come around anytime soon.

But, where Nick was concerned, there was still the matter of him ignoring my calls. I wanted to spend some time with him. “Can we do something this weekend?” I asked him. “Just us?”

I probably should have been concerned that he looked like he had to think about it. Usually, a suggestion like that got a big, crooked smile. But I told myself to relax, listen to his explanation.

“I guess so,” he finally said. “It’s just, I’m trying out for The Wizard of Oz, and a few of us are getting together to practice. Friday night, I think. It might go late, and I’ll want to sleep in on Saturday...”

“What about Saturday night?” I asked.

“Aren’t you hanging out with your dad?”

“That doesn’t mean I can’t make time for you,” I pointed out. He knew that.

There was another moment of silence that I really could have done without before Nick finally smiled at me. “Alright. Do you just want to meet me at my place Saturday afternoon? We can find something to do.”

I smiled. “Yeah. I’ll call you when I’m on my way... So, The Wizard of Oz, huh?”

He became upbeat as he told me about the play. I enjoyed the rest of our break together, and was reassured enough by our plans for the weekend even though I hardly saw him on Friday. But then, I hardly saw Luis in school, either. I got the feeling he was avoiding me. Even at home he’d gone back to closing his door, and he tended to avoid all attempts I made at conversation there, too.

But, just because he was attempting to escape my radar didn’t mean that he wasn’t causing any less trouble where my friends were concerned. Lee had decided that she was holding me responsible for Luis’s behavior. At least, it felt that way by Friday night when she didn’t want to do anything with anyone. With Gene and Jarred more interested in football practice and dealing with their parents’ divorce and Nick busy with the drama club, I took the opportunity to call Logan, having no desire to stay home while Luis was acting like I was contagious.

Logan, at least, seemed happy over the idea of getting out of the house with me. His school was kicking off the new year with a skate party not far from his place. He’d told me to make sure I wore my school colors, but I passed on that and was glad I did when I saw how crowded it was.

“Are you any good at this?” he asked over the music as we laced up our skates.

I shrugged. “I have balance, but if I suddenly lose it I hear there’s a guy around here that’ll hold my hand,” I joked.

Logan grinned at me. “You’d better ask me before you ask him. I’m the jealous type.”

He surprised me when he suddenly grabbed my hand and pulled me to my feet, but he let go before we reached the floor and was still smiling as he skated the first lap backwards to face me. “School sucks,” he informed me. “They screwed up my classes, and I’m in the same French class I hated last year until they have somewhere else to move me to. I already had to give up most of my time at the shop, and two of my snakes have an upper respiratory thing going on.”

“Are they going to be okay?” I asked him, knowing that despite the smile on his face this was probably a big deal to him.

Logan shrugged. “Don’t know yet. One’s doing better than the other.” He smiled suddenly. “But I’m glad you called. I probably wouldn’t have come here on my own, and I figured tonight you’d be doing something with your boyfriend.”

I sighed at that. “I tried to,” I admitted. “But he’s into theater and that’s got him busy--not that I’m using you as backup or anything, I mean...”

Logan laughed as I wondered over how insulting I was being. “You’re good, Jess,” he assured me. “I can deal with being backup. Sooner or later I’ll probably use you as mine.”

I smiled at that, but then regarded him more seriously. “We get together at Lee’s a lot. Why don’t you ever come? I can call you next time, and...”

“We’ll see,” Logan cut me off. “I mean, it depends what I’ve got going on.” But I didn’t miss the way he wasn’t as nearly as enthusiastic over that idea as I was.

I cocked my head at him as we started our second lap and he turned to skate next to me. “Am I missing something?” I asked.

Logan only smiled. “Like what?”

“I don’t know... like, why Lee’s your friend but you’re not into going...” I was interrupted by my phone, and I was surprised to see the number. “It’s Nick.”

“Then you should answer it. Right?”

“Right,” I said slowly as I did just that. “Hi.”

“Hi,” Nick repeated. “What are you doing? It’s loud where you are.”

“Yeah,” I agreed as I slowed my pace and plugged my other ear. “I decided to go skating. So, how’s your rehearsal going?”

“They moved it to tomorrow,” he explained. “Do you still want to get together? I’m starved. We can meet somewhere now.”

“Uh...” I glanced at Logan, but he was already mouthing that it was okay and leaving the floor to unlace his skates. I found myself bothered by that, but followed him, anyway. “I guess so. Do you just wanna get pizza over by where you live?”

“Sounds good. I’ll be there in about ten minutes.”

I hung up with Nick, still regarding Logan curiously. He wasn’t looking at me, and there was something off about the smile on his face. “Are you sure this is okay?” I asked him. “It’s not like I can’t call him back... I mean, we made plans and...”

“It’s okay,” he insisted, finally meeting my eyes. “You wanted to do something with him, anyway, right?”

“Yeah, but...”

“We’ll get together later,” he said as he stood with his skates. “Just give me a call when you’re not busy.”

“You could always come with us,” I threw out there.

Now Logan really looked amused. “On your date?”

“It doesn’t have to be a date,” I supposed.

Logan only shook his head at me. “I’ll see you later. It’s fine, really.”

But something about the situation didn’t feel very fine to me when he left me there to make my own way out. Maybe it wouldn’t have felt right to blow off Nick given that I wanted to see more of him, but Logan saying it was okay and taking off like that wasn’t right, either. Not to mention, I was uncomfortable with feeling like he was just a backup plan. He’d been too good of a friend to me for that.

Maybe I’d try to talk to him about it later. But better yet, I was better off showing him that I liked it when we hung out. But at the moment I decided it was best to go meet Nick.

I’d arrived five minutes after he said that he’d be there, but when he wasn’t I decided not to be concerned. Knowing that he wasn’t very picky where pizza was concerned, I ordered for both of us, hoping that the food would be ready by the time he arrived. He had said he was starving, after all.

But by the time the pizza was on the table in front of me I found myself looking at my watch, wondering what was keeping him. I’d talked to him almost thirty minutes ago, but still, no need to sound the alarm just yet.

Fifteen minutes after that I got worried and called his house. No answer. I kept waiting.

When the pizza was cold I asked for a box and decided to drive over. After parking outside his house, I decided to call again. His parents’ car was in the driveway.

“Sorry, Jesse,” his mom said. “He’s not home; I think he was going to rehearse for a play tonight.”

“Yeah,” I replied. “But I thought they cancelled. He was supposed to meet me a little while ago.”

She sounded confused. “That’s strange. He only walked out of the house after I got home, said he was still planning to rehearse.”

I frowned to myself, but forced my voice to stay normal when I responded. “Oh... well, maybe I misunderstood him. Sorry to bother you.”

“Anytime, sweetie,” she said cheerfully. “Should I tell him you called?”

“Sure. Thanks.”

Yeah, thanks a lot, Nick.

I double-checked my phone to make sure he hadn’t tried to call me. Nothing. None of this was like him, but then again, neither were a lot of things lately.

Becoming more bothered, I decided to drive around his neighborhood for a few minutes, and then back to the restaurant. He still hadn’t shown up there and my car was starting to smell like pizza.

I decided to call Lee. She hadn’t heard from him either, and was still in a bad enough mood not to care why I was asking. When Nick was finally over an hour late, I opened the box in my front seat and ate a piece of pizza.

It was hard not to be upset over this, but it wasn’t like I could do anything about it now. I tried to come up with reasons why he would have forgotten about me enough not to call and could think of nothing good enough. Hurt feelings soon turned into angry ones. But, I managed to calm myself down enough to decide I could at least reserve judgment for when he called me with an explanation.

Finally, I picked up my phone and made one more call. Logan’s sister answered and took a moment before she got the phone into his hands.

He sounded surprised to hear from me. “Hey. Everything okay?” he asked.

“Fine... would you believe it if I told you I think I just got stood up?”

Logan was silent for a moment, and then, “Really?”

“Yeah. I’m pretty sure.”

“Huh.... up, sorry.”

I felt myself laugh at that. “It’s not like it’s your fault. Anyway, I was calling because I wanted to say that I’m sorry for running off like that. Even if he hadn’t stood me up, I could have met him another time.”

“I told you, it’s okay,” Logan insisted. “Otherwise, I wouldn’t have told you to go.”

“Okay,” I replied slowly, still uncertain. “But it still feels pretty shitty, okay?”

Logan laughed at me. “You can still come back over and hang out,” he suggested.

“Really?”

“Definitely. I’ll be up for a while, so whenever you want.”

“Okay... does everyone there like cold pizza?”

***

Logan’s parents had gone to bed early, and his sister ate most of the pizza while she watched movies and Logan and I stretched out on his back patio. He aimed a small laser-light throughout the yard while the stray cat that was no longer banished to his sister’s room chased it through the dark.

“I don’t know what’s going on with him lately,” I said quietly. I’d started talking about Nick a while ago. “I know I should be mad at him for this, but part of me feels like it’s my fault.”

Logan gave me a funny look. “No. Keep being mad--has anyone ever told you guilt is not your color?”

I rolled my eyes at that. “I’m serious. It could be my fault. I kinda... get obsessive about things sometimes. When we didn’t know whether or not Luis was going to be staying with us I turned into a little bit of a basket case. I think Nick got sick of it.”

“He shouldn’t have gotten upset about that,” Logan insisted, shaking his head. “You were going through stuff. Everyone goes through stuff.”

I found myself smiling at him until he finally looked at me and noticed it. “What?” he asked.

“I like having a friend that takes my side even when I’m wrong,” I remarked.

Logan laughed. “Oh, trust me, I’d tell you if I thought you were wrong about something.” He clicked the light off, and quickly becoming bored, the cat slowly made its way back into the house. “It’s getting cold,” he remarked. “I don’t think I even have a sweater that isn’t in storage. Last year we didn’t get them out until the day it snowed.”

“Should we go in?” I asked. “I mean, I know your parents are asleep. I can go.”

“I don’t think they’re sleeping,” Logan remarked, looking disturbed by the actual statement. “And you don’t have to go. Come on, we can watch something in my room if you want, unless that’s too boring for you.”

I shook my head. “No. Boring’s good.” I meant it, too. Lately I didn’t feel like I’d gotten enough boring.

When my phone rang as we stood to go inside I almost didn’t want to answer it. When I looked down and saw the number I decided not to. Logan looked surprised.

“Was that him?” he asked.

I shook my head. “My mom,” I explained. But she knows I’m at my dad’s this weekend, and I don’t really feel like checking in right now.”

Logan whistled. “I’d never get away with that with my parents.”

I smiled at him. “Yeah, but I doubt you’d want to.”

When someone didn’t know me that well, or my family, sometimes it was hard to explain to them how I felt about my living arrangements. For the people who did know me, sometimes it was even harder. I wasn’t ready to leave my mom with Randy, even if I had a feeling it could be better for her with me gone. And now there was Luis, too. Even if he didn’t appreciate it, I wasn’t about to abandon him, either.

“Do you like scary movies that are more cheesy than scary?” Logan asked me as we made our way to his room.

“I’m good with anything,” I insisted. At the moment I really was. I wasn’t sure I had the attention span for a movie, anyway.

For the next hour I proved that to myself. I wasn’t really paying attention as I remained seated on the edge of his bed. But even if I was trying it would have been difficult given the fact that the television in his bedroom was the smallest one I’d ever seen. He had to sit it on a chair right in front of his bed just so we could see the picture.

Mary made popcorn at some point, and what she couldn’t eat she brought to us. She didn’t seem at all surprised that Logan threw pieces of it at her on her way out. To retaliate, she adjusted one of the lights over some of his snakes just a fraction of an inch. He was quick to hop up and put it back where it belonged, looking more annoyed than he probably should have been. I found myself smiling over it.

After a while I started looking at my phone again. I could have cared less about the time. I wasn’t really seeing those numbers when I looked, anyway. I guess I was just waiting, wondering why I hadn’t gotten a call from Nick.

Okay, so I sucked at letting things go. Call me Mr. Impatient.

But I wanted an explanation. Hearing him say he’d been held up by a plane landing on his house would have been better than this.

I tried to remember how he looked the last time I saw him at school, wondering if there was any indication that he might be planning to stand me up. He’d seemed happy enough. But maybe I just couldn’t remember what Nick looked like happy.

When I first got my phone Nick had taken all sorts of pictures with it. I had, too, until the memory was full and I couldn’t figure out what I wanted to part with. I scrolled through some until I found his familiar smile. Familiar. Yes, it was definitely still familiar. I just hadn’t seen it enough lately.

The fact that I wasn’t entirely sure how to fix that hit me quickly, and I found the knots I’d been avoiding form in the pit of my stomach.

Fingers in my hair, sliding behind my ear caught my attention.

Logan was watching me curiously from where he sat back against the wall behind his bed. When he pulled his hand away he was holding a small piece of leaf between his fingers. He smiled at it. “Where do you think that came from?” he asked quietly.

I shook my head, not having the faintest clue. I blame the leaf for distracting me from the way his hand spread over my chest and pulled me back until I was sitting closer to him. When he leaned towards me I think I was feeling... well, lazy, actually. Tired. I even closed my eyes, but they went wide when I felt his mouth touch the corner of mine.

It was a kiss. It was definitely a kiss. As soft as it was, even the very location of it all suggested that it was the kind of kiss that was a question. Is this okay? It was the kind of kiss that asked permission to give another one. With my phone open and Nick’s picture in the palm of my hand, even not really looking at it, I couldn’t give that to Logan.

I pushed myself off the bed, away from him. There I stopped, not really sure knowing what I’d intended to do in the first place. I know what I should’ve done. I should have gotten the hell out of there, that’s what. My hesitation stemmed from a number of things. First, I felt like I’d just done something completely awful. I felt bad that Nick had stood me up. I could only imagine how he’d feel knowing that I’d allowed this to happen.

And then there was Logan. There was no way around it: I had let this happen, regardless of whether I knew it at the time, and I felt awful for that, too. There was no denying that I liked him. Sometimes I felt like he was offering me the perfect friendship. It was possible that I’d just ruined it. And it wasn’t like I wasn’t attracted to him. That mouth he’d kissed me with, for example. There was always something appealing about it; when he talked, when he smiled. The shape of it fit his face perfectly. I liked the leanness of him, and sometimes I even thought his eyebrows were sexy.

When we were together there was something easy about it. Like, I was comfortable with him in my space. But these were things I didn’t acknowledge because I was with Nick, and Logan was my friend. Maybe that’s why instead of getting out of there, like I should have done, I allowed a wave of guilt to hit me as I turned to him.

“I’m sorry.”

Logan looked as stunned as I felt. I saw that, before he wiped it away and smiled slowly as he stood. “I don’t think you’re the one who’s supposed to be sorry.”

Sure, maybe on the planet he was living on. It seemed necessary for me to take responsible for something here. Guilt. What was it he’d said? Guilt didn’t look good on me? I clung to the hope that maybe that made me less attractive to him. Was he attracted to me? I felt that I was being rather presumptuous. But maybe since he’d been the one to kiss me it was alright to make assumptions. “Sorry,” I repeated.

Logan took a step forward while I retreated from it. He looked almost pained by that. “Sorry,” I said again. I was like a fucking myna bird. It was like, once I got comfortable with a word I couldn’t stop. He was into animals. Maybe he liked that kind of thing. No. The look on his face said otherwise.

“Jesse, I’m sorry...” Oh god, he was enunciating, like he thought I was too slow to understand him. “I shouldn’t have done that.”

I watched the way his hand went up. It was the same action someone might make to calm a frightened animal. I felt like such a pussy.

I took a deep breath, forced myself to stop looking so freaked out. At least, I hoped so. “It’s okay.”

“No, it probably wasn’t,” he replied.

I felt my expression drop into a frown. Why did he have to argue?

“I didn’t exactly stop it from happening,” I pointed out. I needed to take the blame for this. The only way I could explain that was to say that it would be easier to keep his friendship if I thought that I was at fault. If it was me... maybe I could convince myself it would never happen again. If it was him, if he did that for a reason, then I didn’t know how we’d still be able to see each other anymore. The thought was surprisingly more devastating than the prospect of telling Nick about this.

But, even deciding that, it didn’t make me anymore comfortable when Logan actually smiled at my words. “I noticed.” he remarked, but just as quickly as it had come the humor left his face. “I’m sorry, Jess. That was stupid. I know you’re with...”

“It’s okay,” I cut him off. This was becoming awkward. Okay, it was already awkward. But it was getting really awkward. “I mean... maybe I should just go.”

I hated that those words hurt him.

“Just for now,” I amended, not liking the look on his face.

“I just fucked this up, didn’t I? Jesse, listen, you’re not hurting my feelings here. Like I said, it’s my bad. I think... you know I like hanging out with you. And it’s been a while since... I’m sorry. Please, don’t leave.”

But I had to. “I think I should.”

Logan took a moment, and then finally sighed. “Okay.”

Okay? I’m not sure I was supposed to feel disappointed that he hadn’t argued with me.

“Okay,” I repeated. But I didn’t move. I couldn’t, with unresolved business lingering between us; the one thing between us that I didn’t want to let go of. “We’re friends, right?”

Logan was quick to nod. “Yeah.”

Good. That’s all I needed to hear.

That’s all I needed to hear! I mentally reiterated when my feet still weren’t moving.

Then, I got the hell out of there.

***

Not hurting his feelings. When I left his house that night, Logan was definitely not the last thing on my mind. Away from him, I was able to think more clearly. Maybe I just felt more free to do so. The idea of hurting him in any way had me wanting to turn back around, because even if he insisted what had happened wasn’t a big deal, now I couldn’t help believing that he’d done it for a reason.

We did have fun together. I felt something for him. I was now confused about what that something was, but maybe Logan wasn’t confused. That worried me. I couldn’t bring myself to believe that we could still be friends if he had feelings for me. Not when I was in a position of being unable to return them.

When Logan called me on Sunday, I didn’t answer his call. I didn’t answer Lee’s, either, as I spent the day playing with Izzie over at my dad’s so Chrissy could take care of some errands. Lee would have wanted to talk about Luis, anyway, and I was too worried about the two guys in my life to add all the new girls in his to the mix.

Nick didn’t call. Maybe after what had happened with Logan I was being hypocritical to grow angrier with him than I already was, but I couldn’t seem to help myself. Maybe... maybe he’d been excited about the theater thing he had going on, and if they’d decided practice was going to happen after all, it was understandable for him to forget about me this one time. Okay, not really understandable, but I was trying to be generous.

But without calling to give me an explanation that generosity was running kind of thin. When I’d finally become impatient enough to need to hear at least something from him, I gave in and called his house. I wasn’t entirely surprised that he wasn’t home. Again. I left a message with his mom for him to call me, and decided not to call him again regardless of how frustrated I became.

Turned out I ended up frustrated enough to lose sleep that night. I stayed at my dad’s, calling my mom only long enough to tell her I’d be home after school on Monday. I didn’t ask how Luis was doing.

Monday morning I woke up with a new attitude. A really, really fed-up attitude. I left my dad’s early and barely said a word to Gene and Jarred when I picked them up. They noticed, but when I snapped at them to stop talking because I was trying to concentrate on the road, they stopped trying to figure out what was wrong with me.

Having skipped breakfast despite my dad’s protests, I made my way to the cafeteria and sat by myself for a few minutes over a box of sugary cereal.

I had an agenda. Whether he liked it or not, Nick was going to make time for me before school started. He’d only get there ten minutes before his first class started, and I knew him well enough to know that he’d bypass his locker to walk the long way around the gym, more interested in the guys from track running their laps than his first class.

I headed that way after finishing off my milk, debating what I wanted to say to him as I went. Sometime between now and the time I’d left Logan’s house on Saturday night I’d come to the conclusion that I wasn’t going to mention that kiss to Nick. It hadn’t gone far enough to be considered anything other than innocent. If it caused any problems at all it would simply prevent me from continuing any sort of relationship with Logan. That had been a difficult conclusion to come to, but I could cross that bridge when it was in front of me. For now I wanted my boyfriend back. I wanted him to know this was unacceptable, that I was sorry if he’d been feeling like I’d been blowing him off for a while now, but it wasn’t something I could fix as long as he was standing me up and ignoring my phone calls.

I’d be nice about it, I’d decided. I’d simply tell him I was bothered without any unnecessary drama. Let him know he was already forgiven and hope he had an explanation for his behavior that exceeded my expectations.

I was confident that my approach would work, and as I concentrated on making the harsh expression I’d been wearing all morning go away, I almost didn’t notice the way the way our volleyball coach ran past me, around the gym as if something was on fire. The two teachers that followed him in the same manner caught my attention, though.

Looking up, I noticed several students stopping curiously and then moving in the same direction even as staff members attempted to cut them off and send them in the other direction.

Gene, dressed for gym was among them, and it was the look that crossed his face before he passed the teachers that had me picking up my pace.

By the time I got around the corner to find chaos I realized that I wasn’t going to get to have my conversation with Nick, but that’s because he was in the middle of it. Battered and on the ground, my boyfriend had been attacked by a wild boy that didn’t seem bothered by the way his fist was colliding with Nick’s face, or the way the teachers tried to pull him off. He only reacted when I pushed my way through the crowd and shouted his name in horror.

“Luis!”

The moment his dark eyes found mine Gene grabbed him from behind, pulled him away. Apart from the heavy rise and fall in his breathing Luis Yenka became still, limp almost. He didn’t like to be touched, but even as Gene held him tighter he just looked at me. He wasn’t sorry. Nick was bleeding, and there was nothing sorry about him.