Ralph: Breaking free - 29. My gay ex-husband & a symphony of semi-naked crotches

It was the following day, in a client meeting, that Ralph’s phone went off. He’d forgotten to silence it, apologised and got it out to switch it off, thus treating his potential clients to a photograph of Nolan wearing very little. Ralph felt embarrassed, but then heard a voice in his head ‘Own it, honey’, as said by Preston the guy in that first photo shoot. That’s what he’d been telling himself, hadn’t he?

“Sorry about that. In case you’re wondering the picture is my boyfriend. We did a photoshoot for Iverson’s, they’re clients and are photographing local businessmen wearing their new range. There’s one of me too but you hardly need to see that.” The clients smiled, and asked what Nolan did. End of story. Easy.

---

Nolan and Verne’s work schedule was gradually becoming more normal. Normal for them, that is. Which meant that Ralph saw Nolan first thing or last thing, though on Thursday he’d played hooky and the two had met for lunch. Things were moving on Nolan’s business front in other ways, the move to the gym was looking to be a success but additionally the efforts to recoup from the embezzlement were proving reasonably positive. The crowdfunding had been surprisingly successful, and had helped to bring the firm to notice, but additionally there was movement in terms of recompense from insurance and statutory bodies. This was slow moving, but positive in a way.

Verne and Nolan had had another session at their solicitor’s and were arranging to move their registered office to the house, as discussed, whilst Ralph’s solicitor was busily wading through the council lease for the new offices. It came with all sorts of provisos, things you were not allowed to do, including such unlikely activities as music and dancing. Ivor’s comment, when Ralph read some of the restrictions out, was to laugh and suggest that was what they’d been doing wrong. But it looked positive; Beth and Ivor had been to look the offices over, and both agreed it would work. It helped that their new contractor looked set to be semi-permanent and once the new offices were in action Ralph was contemplating methods of asking her to stay permanently.

Then he got a message from Gordon.

>Hi, sorry to bother you. Are you going to the Iverson’s launch tomorrow? Russ thought you might be as you’re doing the new website.

Russ being Russ Kahn, Ralph presumed. Shit, did that mean Gordon was going to be there?

“Sure. Three-line whip, so there’ll be myself & two colleagues.”

>Your boyfriend?

“Nolan. No, he’s working, but there’ll be pictures. Huge ones, projected on the wall, wearing the new range. And me, for my sins.”

There followed a laughing with tears emoji.

>Thank God for that. I was worried ‘cause Brian, Russ & I did a shoot too. Russ knows Morrie & that guy twisted arms.

“Tell me about it.”

>You & me get to see mark two, fifteen years later?

“Don’t worry, I’m not counting. Going to try & not stare. Fuck knows who else there’ll be. Morrie for starters. Others too.”

>Morrie! In a thong. Please no.

“Believe it.”

There was a pause, and Ralph worried something had gone wrong.

>Sorry about the pause. Had to tell Brian about Morrie in a thong. Others?

“A stripper/cabaret artist called Preston. I was at his photo shoot.”

>Bloody hell, a symphony of semi-naked crotches. Ask a personal question?

“You can ask. After all, we’re going to be seeing a lot more of each other.”

Another laughing emoji.

>What did you do about the hairy bits?

“For the shoot? I trimmed, quite radically, Nolan too. Tho; neither of us is hairy. Didn’t want everything hanging out; Nolan said it’d look messy. Ivor, my colleague, didn’t bother tho!”

>Pubes gone wild.

“Yeah, there’s one picture with it all hanging out, his bits sort of sandwiched in a bandanna around his thigh.”

>Remember that one. Brian said no to it, but I gave it a go.

“Are you still…”

>Yep. Never gave up shaving there. Managed to get Brian to trim too.

“Shit. What a conversation.”

>I know. But a bit easier this way.

“By text?”

>And that we both know what the other looks like.

“Just a gap of 15 years.”

>I recognised you straight away.

“Ditto.”

>Till tomorrow & the amazing picture show.

Ralph had to laugh, he’d worried about Gordon for so long, and then seen him. To get in contact had been a coincidence, but the gym, the photo-shoot, the launch. Their lives were getting well and truly intertwined. Then his phone went, it was Gordon, phoning this time. What the hell, something wrong… Fuck

“>Sorry to bother you again. It’s Gordon.

“Yeah. Something wrong?”

>Not a bit. Look Brian had an idea. After the launch, we’re planning to split pretty promptly. Russ will be there too; he’s supporting Morrie, and his crotch is going to be projected in all its splendour like ours. We’re planning on having a celebratory meal. Brian’s son, Toby, will cycle over from school and join us.

“So?”

>Oh, sorry. Shit. Apologies, Brian just poked me in the ribs for being dim. Would you join us? It’ll be just at the Honest Burger place in town, it’s Toby’s favourite restaurant so that makes life easy.

“Well, I’ll have the twins with me.”

>Blimey, mate. Are you taking them to the launch?

Ralph laughed, “Not a bit. But I’ll collect them after. I have them at weekends.”

>Well, they are welcome to join us. It’ll be a family friendly event. Partly it’s to compensate Toby because he won’t get to the launch.

“Would you want him to be there?”

>Toby’s 15 going on 35. He’s seen both of us in the altogether and was pissed off when we had a nude picture taken by that photographer bloke, Edward Hirsch.

“Pissed because of the naked picture?”

>No! Pissed because he couldn’t join in.

It was Ralph’s turn to laugh, “So, when he turns 18…”

>Oh don’t. I dread to think.

“It sounds fun. It’s just that the twins don’t know.”

>About the photos?

“Yeah. They’re only nine. And I can’t face the idea of ‘Daddy, why aren’t you wearing any clothes.’

>Fair enough. It’d be a shame, but I understand.

“Therese, my ex-wife, says that I should just let it happen naturally. If they’re curious then explain.”

>Well, Morrie is a client of yours.

“A big one. So...”

>It’s OK, mate. I understand.

“It’s not that. Just that so much has happened, and I still haven’t quite managed to live up to the maxim, ‘Own it honey’. To hell with it, let’s do it and I’ll deal with the consequences.”

---

“And how is Ralph’s little menage?” Barb grinned.

“All’s bloody hunky dory there. Least that’s what he says.”

“And the girls?”

Therese shrugged, “Loving every minute, Daddy and Nolan. Even that daft firm of his is taking off.”

“Web design. Surely…”

“Plenty of clients, he’s talking about taking on more staff. They have a big new client. Firm making clothes for queers, a ‘gay lifestyle’ firm.” She put the quotation marks in with distaste.

“Dodgy clothes?”

“You know. Bits of fabric that pretend to be swimming costumes and that.”

“Your Ralph doing the website for that?”

Therese smiled, “That and more. He’s going to be doing photos.”

“No! As in…”

“The guy that runs the company is getting ordinary blokes to pose.”

“In the altogether, wearing bugger all?”

“Dead on.”

“And Ralph?”

Therese gave a resigned nod.

“You. OK with this.”

“No. Christ, I don’t know where this has come from. He wouldn’t say boo to a goose.” Barb made to say something, but Therese ploughed on. “Oh, I know he was Randy Ralph”, she put the words in quotes. “But he had no gumption, worn down by those parents. And now he’s queer, got a boyfriend and taking his clothes off.”

Barb grinned, “Envious?”

“Not! It’s just so much. Fuck it. Why can’t I have a normal ex-husband who marries his secretary and settles down again.”

Dee stared at her, “What you going to do? Anything?”

“You know. If I stop them seeing him or threaten him if he goes ahead with it…”

“Then he calls your bluff. Gets you to take the girls.”

“Bang goes work.”

“Get someone to look after them.”

“I am not working all hours to pay for a bloody nanny. Childcare’s bloody expensive.”

Barb laughed, “And you know what. No guarantee the nanny won’t be a worse influence than Ralph.”

“Fuck it. I feel stuck.”

“Face it, girl, what’s the worst that can happen?”

“Yeah. I know. And the worst bit is that part of me thinks ‘good on you’, go for it.”

The two women laughed. “Could be worse, girl.”

“I know. And I don’t want to make too much of a fuss, it’s not good for the girls.”

“Seeing their Father in the altogether?”

“Stupid! No, making a big deal of it.” Therese stared at the other two, “Making the body seem shameful, like with us. When we were growing up. I don’t want that for them.”

Dee nodded, “With you there.”

“So, I live with it.”

“Frances’ husband has got the nanny pregnant, Gloria is in rehab, again, Kylie’s boyfriend won’t commit and has a gambling habit…” Barb gave Therese a wolfish grin. “Need I go on.”

Therese picked up her phone, swiped to the photo of Ralph and showed it to them, “And here’s one of my gay ex-husband!”

The other two laughed.

---

The photo was everything that Norman feared. He had insisted that they delete it immediately. What was Ralph thinking, sending something like that by email when any Tom, Dick or Harry could get hold of it. Surely, if the lad worked in computers he understood those basics. And the message with it, it was if he was proud of showing off like that. Ralph had never been one for showing off. It was clearly that pervert’s fault.

When they’d met him at the park, the girls had chattered away to Sheila. They liked the bloke, Nolan. Daddy’s friend. He’d got them fooled, too. Norman’s hackles had risen but there was nothing he could do now. Perhaps, Norman thought, he should have just sat tight, not given his advice, and let retribution take its course.

---

“We won’t have to wear the stuff, will we?”

Ralph turned to Ivor and laughed, “There’ll be professional models for that.”

“But they took photos of us.”

“You want to wear a thong?”

“Christ, no!”

“Then you’re in luck.” Ralph playfully tapped Ivor on the back, “Come on, we’re here to promote our services, not worry about exposing flesh.”

They’d driven over in Ivor’s car, and Beth was coming straight from another meeting. The warehouse looked pretty much as it had last time Ralph was there, though the grey afternoon light gave the bricks a more sombre look. But inside, it couldn’t have been more different.

There was little or no light streaming in from the windows (and there were, indeed, windows), it was too grey and overcast for that. But there was lighting, and a beach (made of what looked like real sand) with deckchairs plus a backdrop of umbrellas and palm trees. The models appeared from behind this.

“Fucking hell”, Ivor stared as two svelte men appeared wearing next to nothing and sashayed across the imitation beach. Morrie and India were to one side, making comments, along with another man who Ralph did not immediately recognise but took to be the event planner.

Then the lighting changed, Kylie Minogue’s I should be so lucky started up, and there were images projected onto the walls, men’s naked bodies, modesty hidden only by scraps of fabric. Men of various shapes and sizes, and Ralph found himself staring at the great Russ Kahn, looking very superior but wearing swimming trunks that made speedos look substantial. Fucking hell, indeed.

Ralph and Ivor lurked to one side, waiting for things to kick off. Next to arrive were Gordon, Brian and Russ Kahn who appeared at the entrance together, then stood there looking round. Kahn laughed and the other two rolled their eyes; Morrie waved but did not come over, he was still involved with last minute directions for the models.

The three newcomers walked over to join Ralph and Ivor. As Russ Kahn shook their hands he smiled, “Seen yourself yet?” nodding at the images.

Ralph gave an ironic smile, “Yep. And you.”

“Christ, don’t. One of those ‘it seemed a good idea at the time’ decisions.”

Gordon smiled, “Ha, you were only jealous of ours.”

Russ rolled his eyes and turned to Ralph, “These two celebrated moving in together by getting a nude double portrait done by Edward Hirsch.”

Further comment was prevented by Brian’s exclaimed, “Fucking hell!” and Gordon laughed as the images on the walls changed and there was Gordon in all his glory wearing a scrap of fabric that hid nothing.

Russ Kahn smiled at him, “Nice shave job. Perhaps I should have done a bit more.”

Gordon, however, rolled his eyes but his muttered “Later. And I’ll get you” rather answered some of Ralph’s questions about the relationship.

Brian frowned but Russ Kahn simply widened his eyes. Gordon shook his head, “You’ll probably work it out. Russ is rather more than a friend. He’ll be staying with us tonight.”

Brian nodded, “And not in Toby’s bed, I hasten to add.”

Ralph smiled, “Nice.”

Ralph spotted Beth just arriving, then everything went silent, Morrie clapped his hands, made a short speech thanking everyone and the show started.

The people from press were so not interested in them. A couple of the local papers spoke to Ralph, as a local business owner featured in the website images, but Ivor and Beth were like spare ushers at a wedding. Finally, Beth dragged Ivor off and the two started working the room, trying to make something of it. Ralph adopted a different strategy and attached himself to Russ Kahn’s group. Of the non-professional models, Russ, as Ralph was trying to learn to think of him, was the most interesting to the press because he had the biggest profile. It also became clear that Gordon, and to a lesser extent Brian, was becoming restive, finding the reporters’ questions inane, more focused on what it was like to take your kit off than the idea of supporting a local business or god-forbid talking about the products Morrie was trying to launch.

Ralph was just staring over at Morrie, wondering whether he should go over, when he spotted that Morrie had somehow drawn Beth and Ivor into his orbit, so that was OK. He caught the end of an exchange with one rather earnest young reporter. The reporter was asking some inane question about why a businessman so big as Russ Kahn was getting involved in taking his clothes off. Gordon snorted and turned to the man saying that perhaps it was that Russ’ dick was big. This caused a guffaw from attendant hangers on, a sharp ‘Gordon’ from Brian and a look from Russ Kahn that suggested he was both outraged and trying not to laugh.

Russ caught Ralph’s eye, “What do you reckon, we caused enough damage?” He grinned, “I can feel a burger calling.”

Ralph checked his watch, “Yeah, sounds good. There’s still a bit of time before I need meet the twins.”

“Your daughters?”

“Yeah. You know they’re coming with us?”

“Gordon said.” He turned to Gordon and Brian who had been having a quiet conversation, “We think it’s time to be off.”

Gordon nodded, “Yeah, thank God.”

Brian laughed, “Worse than doing security duty, at least there you can often get away with being an arse to stupid punters.”

Gordon rolled his eyes, “No doubt there’ll be some rubbish in the local rag about Russ’ dick.”

Brian play punched him, “Or you being a dick.”

“Sorry folk, it’s been a busy week.”

Bidding Morrie a brief farewell, they gathered Beth and Ivor as well, the two taking advantage of the exodus. Ralph checked in with Beth, briefly, and the two agreed that in terms of promoting ‘WebIdeal’, the event had been a bit of a damp squib, but that Morrie seemed happy.

More to the point, Ralph would be able to report to Nolan, that Morrie’s hands had been nowhere near his bum. Mind, the man had been so busy, remarkably focused on the event, that he’d hardly had time.

---

Ralph got a lift in Russ Kahn’s car with Brian and Gordon; the car being a fancy chauffeur driven limousine which was a novelty. But the atmosphere was still uneasy, thanks to Gordon’s outburst. Walking to the car, there had been a quiet discussion between Brian and Gordon, Russ walked ahead, and Ralph lingered behind.

But then in the car Gordon made a general announcement, “Look, sorry if I was a dick back there, but that guy was being a dick with his idiotic questions.”

Russ sniggered, “It was actually rather funny, and part of me hopes that it gets into print.”

“What, businessman Russ Kahn said his main reason for joining the photographic project was to show off his big dick.” At which they all laughed.

Then Brian gave a discreet cough and then completely deadpan said, “Well, I can’t speak for Ralph or Arman”, whom Ralph took to mean the driver, “but I don’t think you have the biggest dick here.”

Russ seemed to take this in good part and chuckled, “Don’t let Toby catch you saying things like that. Besides, we’ll have to be on good behaviour for Ralph’s daughters.”

“Shit. Sorry.”

“The big man said a bad word Daddy”, said Gordon with a big grin.

When they got to the restaurant, everyone seemed to arrive at the same time. As Ralph, Gordon, Brian and Russ walked from where the car had dropped them, a gangly youth with floppy, dirty-blond hair appeared on a bicycle, careered to a halt and breathlessly greeted Dad, Gordon and Mr Russ. Before the boy could go further, an amused ‘Bike’ from Brian, said on a rising note as a question set the boy dutifully locking the bike up. This was presumably Toby. Before Ralph could say hello, he heard two familiar voices calling.

Therese was across the road with the twins, so inevitably introductions had to be made. Faced with all these new people, the twins went quiet but were sociable. They remembered Russ from his visit, even remembered Gordon and Brian from the gym. Russ impressed Ralph by the way he squatted down to say hello. Then it turned out that Therese and Russ had met briefly at a couple of business meetings. It was fascinating, watching Therese turn on her professional image as she exchanged business news with Russ.

Ralph watched Toby, to whom he had finally been able to say hello, approaching the twins as if they were a different species. He seemed a quiet yet self-possessed boy, he had greeted Russ warmly as Mr Russ but remained reserved with the others.

A voice started whispering in Ralph’s ear, it was Brian, “He’s always a bit like that with strangers. If folk aren’t interested in plants, ecology, and that, he can be a bit reserved.”

“He seems to get on with Russ.”

Brian laughed, “Russ is surprisingly good with kids, but they got off to a good start. He arranged an after-hours tour of the Wetland Centre for Toby to get him out of our hair for a business meeting.”

Ralph stared, “Wow, that’s some effort.”

Brian rolled his eyes, “Russ is a big donor to the Wetland Centre, that helps.”

“And Toby?”

“Loved it. Mr Russ is a favourite. Helps that Russ talks to him about what interests him without talking down.”

Ralph smiled, “I’ll bear that in mind.”

They had a long table towards the rear of the restaurant, as none of the booths around the edge were big enough for their party. No-one had thought much about seating, and it ended up with Russ at the end of the table, down one side Gordon and Brian with Toby in the middle, down the other side Ralph with the twins between him and Russ.

The initial talk was all about what they were going to eat, and Toby proved highly knowledgeable about the background to the food, traceability, food miles, what was organic. Brian was directly opposite Ralph and the man had a slight smile on his face. Toby got into an earnest conversation with Gordon about the effect of meat production on global warming, a subject that seemed highly unlikely for a fifteen-year-old, but Toby was earnestly talking about it.

Brian took the advantage of this to lean over to Ralph, “Welcome to my world.”

“Is he always this… Committed?”

“Earnest, you mean”, Brian smiled, “Short answer, yes. He gets quite intense, but he’s still just 15 and well, a boy with enthusiasms.”

“And remarkable in-depth knowledge.”

“Yeah. The Wetland Centre do one of those kids’ takeover things each year, where kids are responsible for a series of talks and events.”

“Is that really a thing?”

“You bet. On the basis of a science project, he and two friends did last term, Toby ended up speaking.

“How did it go?”

“Scarily impressive.”

“I heard that, Dad.”

Brian turned to his son, “Well, it’s true, sport. You were way more impressive than I could have ever been.”

Toby smiled, “Not hard. But as Mr Russ says, you have other talents.”

Brian rolled his eyes, aware of the double-entendre of that phrase but Toby continued, turning to Ralph, “Dad and Gordon provided the security at my birthday. It was real cool, we had it at the ice cream parlour place, and they were the security guards.”

“Sounds fun, but don’t tell my daughters, they might want it too.”

Ralph was aware of both girls chatting excitedly to Russ and he kept half an ear on them. Having met Gordon before, at the gym, and with Russ seemingly able to charm them, Ralph felt he could relax a little. Gordon had moved on from the initial rather stilted questions by mentioning football to the girls. Ralph almost laughed as the twins happily chattered on about football, Saturday mornings and such, then his ears were caught.

“Nolan’s Daddy’s boyfriend.”

“We like Nolan.”

“He sometimes cooks us special food.”

“He’s living with Daddy.”

“Because a bad man stole all his money.”

“So, he’s poor.”

Ralph turned away from Brian toward Russ and Gordon. He could hardly object, however, as what the twins said was true.

He gave an ironic shrug, “We’re hoping to move ‘WebIdeal’ out to new offices, we need more space.”

“Anywhere in mind for the new offices?”

“The old council building. Means there’ll be more space at home.”

Two small faces peered at him, “Will Nolan stay?”

Ralph smiled and patted them, “We hope so.”

“Goodie!” In unison.

The conversation was like that, the adults barely having a chance to say much. At one point, Brian having gone to the toilet, Ralph found Toby looking at him. Did the boy know anything about Ralph and his Father’s shared history? Ralph thought surely not. Casting about for something to say, Ralph remembered one of WebIdeal’s early projects, done more for kudos than money. Toby seemed genuinely interested in the Community Canal Garden, an enterprise aimed at revitalising a disused branch of the canal by replanting it as a community garden. Ralph was a bit hazy on details, but it set them talking, and when Brian returned Toby insisted that they would have to visit to see what the garden was like now, because it sounded ‘cool’.

Realistically, mixing the two families had had its awkwardness. The twins and Toby were reasonably sociable, but the three did not particularly interact. The twins were polite to Toby, viewing him with a little awe, whilst Ralph thought that Toby’s approach to the twins was as if they were from a different planet. Surely, he interacted with girls, perhaps it was their age or the fearsome completeness that the twins projected as a unit.

They weren’t long, after all Ralph needed to get the twins home, bathed, and calmed down. There were plenty of assurances that they would get together with everyone at Gordon’s parents’ place, but Ralph wondered whether the experience of the evening would put them off. He imagined Brian asking Toby’s opinion and the boy wrinkling his nose at the idea of meeting up again with the two little girls. Or perhaps Ralph was reading too much into it.

But the twins had had a great time, and casually informed him how much they liked Russ and Gordon too!

By the time Nolan returned, Ralph had a bottle of white wine chilling in the fridge and a selection of cold food for him. He then felt guilty, as it all felt very cosily domestic, perhaps that was taking things for granted, but Nolan sat down on the sofa with an ‘Oof’, accepted the wine and food gladly and commented that sometimes it was hard work keeping professional when some people behaved so badly.

He talked for a bit about his spate of annoying clients, then turned to Ralph, “And how was your day?”

Ralph laughed, “Completely mad. Russ, Gordon, Brian and I stood on the sidelines and watched semi-naked models as photographs of us, and you”, he turned to Nolan and grinned, “flashed on the walls, two or three times life size. It was completely surreal.”

“I see. Much interest, then?”

“In us. No. In WebIdeal. No. It was all Iverson’s products.”

Nolan shrugged, “As it should be, I suppose.”

“But we didn’t need to be there. I think a couple of journos spoke to Russ Kahn.”

“Famous local businessman takes clothes off for local firm?”

“That sort of thing.”

“And the burger?”

Ralph shrugged, “Went well enough. Russ Kahn’s good with kids, the twins loved him and chattered happily about football and you.”

“Me!”

“Oh, you’re flavour of the month at the moment, and they want you to keep living here.”

Nolan laughed nervously, “Good to know.”

“I mentioned the idea of using downstairs, it seemed to go down well.”

“So, that’s all you talked about?”

“Not a bit. Toby, Brian’s son, is made keen on ecology, plants and that, so conversation tended to be a bit schizophrenic and as you can imagine, a 15-year-old boy isn’t much interested in nine-year-old girls.”

“So, not a success?”

Ralph shrugged and considered, “Not a disaster either. It went OK. We’ll see. If Gordon comes back with a date for meeting up at his parents, then I won’t say no.”

“And the twins?” Nolan smiled.

“Might not think it fun, but they won’t object if I tell them there are trees to climb!”