All I Ever Wanted - 9. Chapter 9

One would’ve thought I’d been more excited, but I guess I was still processing everything.

“I’ve fallen in love with you…”

His words echoed inside my mind. The love of my life had just declared his feelings for me.

So many stories I had read about this moment. But real life is so different, exactly the opposite of fiction.

Some of those stories ended in humiliation. Some of them narrate how the author had been victim of a joke, which turned into a nightmare. Some of the authors got “outed” by the joke makers. Their life was never the same.

So there he was, open and vulnerable. And it was my turn to speak.

But I didn’t speak. Instead, I started crying.

He let go of my hands and curled up his knees to his chest. He rested his back on the tree’s trunk and closed his eyes. I continued crying.

“I’m sorry Jo. It wasn’t my intention to hurt you,” His voice sounded angry at the last part. “Please forgive me,”

But I had trouble listening to him. I was preoccupied in my own mind.

Wasn’t that what I had always wanted? To be loved by him?
So, why was I crying?

“I shouldn’t have done it. I messed up,”

I stood up and started walking away.

Was it supposed to end that way? Me walking away leaving him in pain? I should’ve told how I felt.

I should’ve told him I loved him too. But I was too scared. And I was not myself in that moment.

I continued walking away and that’s when I heard him.

“I’m sorry, Jo!”

I turned around immediately, meeting him at his lowest. I couldn’t hold the tears anymore.

“If you could travel inside my mind, you would realize how much this means to me, the amount of impact it has on me. I have always loved you Christopher!
Always. That’s why I feel the need to walk away. Because I’m scared.
I don’t know if this is real. Maybe it is just a dream. I don’t know if you really meant it.
Did you? Because this is big. This is huge. This is life changing. And I need to know if this is a joke.
Or if you are just confused, because people tend to just get confused about this kind of things. How can you be so sure about your feelings?
Or is it really a joke? I need to know Christopher!”

I gasped for air a few times. He stood up and walked toward me. He was no longer crying and a smile appeared in his face. My hands started shaking and my heart could’ve jumped out of my chest at any minute.

He hugged me and whispered into my ear.

“I meant it,”

I hugged him back as tightly as I could. I was afraid that if I didn’t hold unto him I would’ve collapsed.

“Did you mean it, Jo?” he whispered.

“Like you have no idea, Christopher,” I whispered back.

Neither of us moved. We were just standing up hugging each other.

“So what comes next?”

“I don’t know,” I replied.

I wish I would’ve been able to answer him something else. I wish I would’ve known the right answer.

“Do you want to talk?” he whispered.

And suddenly I felt the need to.

We sat down next to each other. He reached out for my hand and so I reached out for his.

He smiled and I could not but smile as well. His grip hardened but it didn’t hurt.

“You said you have always loved me,”

I lowered my eyes and felt the red burning up in my cheeks.

“Hey! Hey! It’s ok, Jo,” he said putting his hand on my chin and lifting my head up. I met his gaze, “I think we are past the awkwardness,”

He was so perfect. He knew what to say and what to do.

“Christopher,” I said still looking at him. “I want to believe you. I need to. Because I have to do it, or I might not get another chance again to say this.
I love you, Christopher. And I mean it with all the honesty I can vow. I love you!
But I just can’t…”

“Can’t what?”

“You…me…us…”

“What are you talking about?”

And that’s when I broke down again

“I don’t know,”

He held me tightly as I watered his shoulder with all my tears.

“I’m scared because this is real. You say this is real!”

“It is real,”

“Then why aren’t you scared? Why aren’t you crying? Why do you look so fucking calm now?” I roared.

He didn’t move an inch. He continued holding me and then whispered into my ear.

“I don’t have to be scared anymore. Haven’t you heard yourself?
You said you love me. And I love you.
I’m not thinking about the past anymore. I’m building our future,”

“There is no ‘our future’!”

“What do you mean?”

“I don’t know!” I cried desperately. “I love you Christopher…”

“I love you too…”

“No! NO! You don’t love me. You don’t fucking love me.
How many times did you go to sleep thinking in me? How many times did you wake up in the middle of the night and burst into tears because you didn’t have me? How many times have you stared at me and thought I am the one?”

“Jo, I had no idea…”

“Because you don’t love me. Because you are just confused!”

“No!”

“Yes, Christopher!”

“NO!”

“YES!”

“Why are you doing this?”

“Because I don’t deserve you. Because you are perfect and I don’t deserve your love,”

“Don’t say that,” he said holding me once again.

“I don’t know anything anymore…”

“It’s ok…”

“It’s not ok!” I roared. “Look at me, I’m a mess,”

“We’ll get through it. We’ll work something out,”

And then I started to feel small drops of water in my head. A loud crash followed and then heavy rain started pouring from the sky.

“I’m going to go,” I said freeing myself from him and walking away.

“Jo, wait!”

“Leave me alone!”

“Hear me out, please,”

But I didn’t stop. Immediately, I was spun around.

“I used to be so different from who I am now. And it’s all thanks to you. I don’t really know when it all started exactly. And when I first realized it, I got scared.
So I pushed you away and in one way or another I tried to forget you. Because I’ve been told and I’d told myself all life that it was wrong.
But then I started feeling miserable and lonely. I guess that’s when I realized I missed you, and that I couldn’t be without you.
I tried many times to get back to you, but it was more than mere willpower. There was a real struggle going on within myself. It’s hard to forget everything you’ve believed in to throw yourself into the unknown. It’s scary.
But I’m happy now, and whatever comes by, I think I’m ready to handle it. And it would be better if I didn’t have to do it on my own,”

I stared at him trying to process everything he had just said. Seconds later, he went down on one knee and grabbed my right hand.

“Josiah Collin Matthews: you’ve turned my world upside down. You’ve changed me.
I might not have cried for you before, or thought about you that much. But I know now, that you are the one.
And all I can think now, all I want now is to make it up to you. To thank you.
Because you’ve saved me.
And I see no other better way to say thanks than to promise to love you, and cherish you for the rest of my existence.
To make you happy as long as I breathe.
Jo, will you be my boyfriend?”

He was smiling and waiting for a reply. All I could think was how messed up everything was.

“Are you kidding me? Are you fucking kidding me?” I said in disbelief.

He laughed but not in a mean way.

“You think this is funny?”

“Just say yes,” he said still smiling.

He quickly stood up and pulled me closer. We were just inches away from each other, just like I had dreamed so many times.

“What are you doing?”

“Forgive me if I’m too bold,”

“You wouldn’t?”

“I think we both know I would,”

“You would?”

“I will,”

He leaned closer. His breath felt cold to my face.

“Just say yes,”

And that’s when I realized it was going to happen, and there was no turning back.

“Wait!” I said. I took my cell phone out and checked the screen. “I have wished for this for a long time. I want to know all the facts,”

He laughed and leaned closer.

“And now I kiss you?”

I closed my eyes and breathe deeply.

“And now you kiss me,” I uttered.

And that’s how I know with certainty that on December 7th 2006, at exactly 1:15 am in Yahura Forest under the crashing rain, I finally kissed Christopher Raphael Robin for the first time.