All I Ever Wanted - 2. Chapter 2

The next day couldn’t have gone any slower. Each class felt like a never-ending nightmare. It seemed like teachers had gone wild and decided that they ought to assign extended class works. I hated the fact that I hardly managed to finish them. The pile of books I would take for homework’s purposes would definitely be tall.

“You didn’t call me yesterday,” whispered Danielle.

“Sorry. Long story,” I whispered back though my eyes were focused on my work.

“Can’t wait to here!”

I wasn’t planning to tell her. Ok, she was my best friend. And she knew almost everything about me. She even knew I had a crush on Christopher (she ignored how hard it was, however). But like I said, almost everything; there were some things about myself nobody knew. The humiliation I had experienced yesterday was already being repressed into my subconscious.

“Not telling you!”

“You will,” she teased.

I lifted my head and looked at her as serious as possible.

“I will not!”

We were suddenly “shh’d” by our teacher.

“Fine. How’s the report coming?”

“Haven’t done it,” I answered, eyes back on my work. “I’ll work on it today, though. No worries,”

She silently went back to work. I immediately did the same thing.

“Josiah, can we talk?”

I suddenly realized the classroom was empty, except for me and him.
I picked up my stuff and aimed for the door. Christopher intercepted me and blocked my way.

“Why are you doing this?”

The question literally took me by surprise. Truth be told, I had avoided him the whole day. I knew he had wanted to talk to me, but shy as he was, it had proved to be a challenge.
And then his question. Not even I knew the answer.

“I’m sorry,” I said. “It wasn’t your fault.”

Of course it had not been his fault.

“Oh!” he suddenly realized. “Are you still stung about yesterday? I’m sorry about that,”

I tried to stop him, but he went on.

“My brother’s immature. Please forgive him. He didn’t mean what he said,”

He should’ve kept his mouth shut.

“Please,” I started, fury in my eyes. “Don’t! I know exactly what he said. I’ve heard it before. In fact, I heard it today; twice during lunch,”

My voice was harsh and strong; next thing I knew, I was yelling.

“Do not apologize for him. I’ve learned to deal with this. But this,” I looked at him shaking my head, “This I can’t. The idea of someone, of you trying to comfort me, or whatever you are doing, is not helping, at all,”

I started breathing heavily and blinking really fast.

“I’m sorry,” he said.

“Now, if you’ll excuse me,” I said as politely as I could in that moment.

He didn’t move. His face was angry; deeply angry.

“Move, Christopher!” I yelled.

He didn’t.

I pushed him out of my way; and to my surprise, he didn’t do anything. I started walking away, leaving him completely alone in the hall.

When I got home, I started crying again. It was the only way to let all my emotions out.
Ironically, I hated crying. It made me vulnerable. I wasn’t used to express my emotions.
I was slowly closing my eyes, probably red and sleepy from all the crying. I was managing to feel sleepy myself. I was about drive myself into dream world, but suddenly his image popped in my head.

I remembered his expression: angry and frustrated. Was he angry at me? For everything I had said? Oh crap! I did snap really hard. I moaned in anger.
He didn’t deserve it. It was his brother I wanted to yell at, but I had stupidly let my feelings take the worst out of me. Guiltiness was overwhelming me. I knew what I had to do. I went to the bathroom, washed my face and changed my clothes. I needed some minutes to prepare myself, though.

I rang the gate bell twice in unison. I started to breath heavily. My mind was suddenly rushing thoughts in and out of my subconscious. A cool breeze waved by and I shivered.
Great, I was about to panic.
And then the door opened.
He stood motionless when he saw that it was me.

“Josiah? What are you doing here?”

He was right. What was I doing there?

I mumbled, for I couldn’t find the right words.

“Is everything ok?”

It definitely was not. But some how I managed to get the strength to spill it out.

“I want you!”

Wait, what?

“What?”

WHAT? Oh my god, what the hell was I doing. I was supposed to be apologizing. My face suddenly went expressionless as I realized what I had said.

“You what?” he asked.

I couldn’t speak.

“Josiah?”

I started panting. What had I done!?

“Josiah? JOSIAH?!” He grabbed me by the shoulders and started shaking me. He stopped as he realized I was still not answering.

All my life as I knew it was over. I had made one hell of a mistake.
I remember staring blankly into nothingness at that moment.

“Is this some kind of joke?”

My mind was far away; far, far away.

“Josiah! Say something!”

And then it happened. His image appeared on my mind out of nowhere (yet again, and probably from my subconscious). I immediately realized what I had to do. This time, I was going to do the right thing.

“I said I want you,” I said, staring at him.

His face, previously confused, froze.

“I said I want you, because that’s what I want,”

I took a deep breath. There was something big coming.

“I’ve had a crush on you. Ever since…” I trailed off for a few seconds “Well, it’s been quite a while now, I can assure you.
And now, I accidentally said it. There’s no point in hiding it anymore. I really want you,”

He was still frozen, but his eyes never left mine. This was good, considering I wasn’t done.

“You’ve taken my sleep away so many times, Christopher. And the times I have actually slept, I’ve dreamed about you.
You are perfect. To me. You are smart, and funny, and amazingly good looking. Don’t take this the wrong way, but look yourself in a mirror every now and then; don’t blame me for falling for you.
And I know this might come as a surprise for you, and for that I’m sorry. Like I said, it is out now, so might as well make it clear,”

He slightly opened his mouth, but I went on. I needed to emphasize yet another point.

“And now you know. That leaves only one thing left to say. A favor to ask,”

My voice almost broke down as I realized what I was about to plea.

“Please, do not tell anyone about this,”

I sighed heavily.

“I know you have no reason not to tell people, but I’m asking you, I’m begging you, please, would you keep my secret?”

That was it. His turn to speak. I was prepared for it. Would he shout at me? Would he insult me? Would he hurt me? Or would he…

He nodded, his eyes still staring into mine.

I sighed and closed my eyes. Suddenly, I was crying. It had been too much for me. I had never exposed myself that much.

“Thank you,” I managed to say. I looked around to see if anyone was witnessing the scene, but no one was around.

“It’s funny how life is,” I said, trying to light up the mood. “One minute yesterday I was day dreaming about kissing you. Next thing I know, here I am confessing myself,”

“You can have it,” he spoke for the first time, eyes still on me.

I stared at him confused.

He spoke again, only this time there was something different in his voice. It sounded serious, but at the same time, there was a deep mystery on it.

“You want to kiss me. Fine! You can do it,”

That didn’t make sense.

“What are you doing, Christopher?”

“You can do it,” he repeated.

And then it hit me.

Of course, what was happening wasn’t real. It couldn’t be.

And, as quickly as I came to this conclusion, I had one of those weird moments when you realize you are dreaming. And then you suddenly wake up…
Tears started running down my cheeks. Happy tears? I wouldn’t know to tell exactly. But if I was sure of something, it was the fact that I was still safe, as safe as you can be inside your own mind, at least.

Yet, if he only knew or if he had any clue… would it be better?
Probably not. If any, it’d be worse. Perhaps he’d dislike the other me, the real me. And if I’ve learned something, is that people should acknowledge the fact that they won’t always be liked.

But how can I acknowledge that fact, when I desperately love him. The solely thought of him hating me is enough to rip me in pieces. I know it is pathetic, but the heart wants what the heart wants. And in the heart’s matters, there is no place for reason.
The next thing I remember is waking up, again. My morning routine went on as usual. Life went on as usual.

When I made it to school, I was quickly approached by James, a fellow classmate with whom I shared several classes.

“Josiah!”

“Hi James”

“Good Morning, by the way”

“Yeah, good morning to you too,” I managed with a plain smile.

“Listen, what are we to do tomorrow for History Class?”

“Tomorrow? We? History?”

“The fifteen minute presentation, Josiah! It’s our turn,”

I had completely forgotten about it.

“You are right. I’m sorry, I forgot about it,”

“It seems like it,”

“So, who is our third partner?” I asked but instantly remembered it.

I wanted to shout. I wanted to run and escape from James. I didn’t want to hear his name. It would make my knees go weak. It would make me want to cry, and punch something, and mourn over the fact that he was impossible. That he wasn’t mine. It hurt. And the pain was just slightly bearable.

“It’s Christopher,” he said, completely unaware of how much his affirmation hurt me.

“What’s our topic?” I asked, trying to pull myself together.

“Britain and France fight over Canada,” said James.

“Good. Would you manage to do the report?”

“Yeah. I have no problem with that,”

“Great. I’ll make the exposition with…Christopher,” I was going to trail off, but managed to say it fast, without sounding suspiciously.
James departed to his class and I made my way into mine. I felt time pass by so fast my first three periods. Fourth one was Math. However, time didn’t feel like it was even making its course in that period. The reason was that I shared Math class with Christopher.

So there he was; two seats ahead of me. He had tried to talk to me when I entered the classroom, but I had been “saved by the bell”, so I took my seat at the back.
I watched him as fiercely as always. Wanting to grab him by the shoulders and make him look me in the eyes. I wanted to tell him how much I loved him. How much I needed him, because day after day, he was becoming more and more of a necessity. Like a drug. Except, he was more like those drugs you just see. You’ve never tasted them, but you know you want to. And you know you’ll like them!

He was my drug. I needed to see him everyday. I needed to have him around. The periods where he wasn’t with me I hated them. I hated everything that pushed me away from him, like gym class or geometry, or the different lunch periods we had.
I wanted to talk to him. But I didn’t want him to talk to me. I was afraid of what he might say. After what had happened with his brother, I just felt that I needed to keep some distance with him.

When the bell rang, I eagerly picked my stuff and headed out. I made a wrong move, and suddenly all my books were on the floor. I knelt and picked them up. When I stood up, Christopher stood in front of me, handing out a book he had picked up. He was smiling in the most politely way.

“Thanks,” I said weakly.

“Could you please not run away this time?”

I gave a small laugh.

“I’m really sorry, about what happened with Kevin,”

“It’s ok, Christopher,”

“I just want you to know,” he said sighing. “I would never judge you. It is not my place. And I might not be one of your closest friends, but I do like you,”
His words sounded like a celestial choir. The sincerity in them was obvious.

“It means a lot. Thank you,”

He flashed another smile, and I swear I thought I was going to faint.

“Also, thank you for helping me with Math. I appreciate it,”

“No problem,”

There was an awkward silence between us.

“So, would you come over today?” he asked shyly.

I did not expect that.

“You are kidding? After what happened yesterday? And why would I?”

“I am not. And it’s ok. Kevin won’t be around. And I thought it’d be good to do the presentation together. James told me you had sorted the assignments with him. I know you always work on your own, but we might as well give it a shot together,”
His voice echoed inside my mind. I realized that, perhaps he was trying to be friends with me. I didn’t give a damn about his reasons.

And I couldn’t waste an opportunity like this one. To be near him one afternoon. Working together. It was too much to waste.

“Just set the time,” I said.

“As soon as you can,” he said flashing another smile.