Son Of A Preacher Man - 5. Chapter 5 - Wandering In The Wilderness

The next morning when I awoke, all I could think about was my interview for the job at the grocery store. Getting hired was very important to me, because it would provide the funds I needed to make future trips to see Ryan. Maybe I didn’t need the money for Christmas, but I would definitely need it to be able to spend time with Ryan next summer. Seeing he was the most important part of my life and I didn’t want to place our time together in jeopardy, I cleaned up, got dressed in my church clothes and set out for the store.

I walked in and told one of the other employees that I was there to see Mr. Farrell. She led me over to the office door, knocked on it and then told the individual on the other side I had arrived. Once that person responded, she led me inside and introduced the portly, balding man inside as the store manager. We shook hands and he told me to sit down, before he began asking me a series of questions about a variety of different topics. He wanted to know about my work history, my family, how I did in school and how I was planning to get to and from work, and then he told me about the neighborhood and what the job entailed.

He seemed like a very nice man, although I was able to tell he could also be quite demanding as well, but my father was like that too, so I didn’t have a problem with it. Judging from his reactions to my answers, he seemed to be fairly pleased with everything I told him, so before I left, he advised me I could start work as a bag-boy/stock clerk the following Saturday, if I was willing. I assured him that I was and thanked him for the opportunity. He then handed me some paperwork to fill out and have my parents sign, so I took everything with me, left the store and ran home, delirious. Life was good.

Once I arrived home, I was so excited that I was unable to stand still as I told my mother about the good news. I darted around the room, still giddy about my good fortune, as I handed her the papers that needed to be signed. When she tried to hug me, our heads accidentally collided with each other, because I couldn’t stop bouncing around in joy. Unfortunately, that little incident gave her a bloody lip, so I apologized profusely and hugged her to make amends, but she merely chuckled at my actions.

“Don’t worry about it, dear,” she urged. “It’s not a big deal and I’m just pleased to see you this happy again, seeing you’ve been so morose since we first told you we were moving. Here, I’ll sign the forms for you now and then you can have your father sign them after dinner. Congratulations and remember to do a good job.”

“Oh, I will,” I promised. “I know I’m going to need the money, so I won’t do anything to risk losing this job.”

“I don’t think you understand, dear. It’s not enough that you don’t do things that could cost you your job,” she corrected. “If a job is worth having, then it’s also worth your best effort. I expect you to do your best every minute you are working and give it your all. If you do that, then it could lead to promotions and even more money later.”

“You’re right, so thanks, Mom. I love you,” I agreed.

“I love you too, dear,” she concurred. “Now, how would you like to go with me this afternoon, so we can do some shopping for the things you’ll need for school? I hope you remember that you have to go to orientation tomorrow.”

“Yes, I remember and going shopping together would be nice,” I confirmed. “Am I going to get some new clothes for school, too?”

“Yes, dear. We’re going to buy you a few new things to start out the school year,” she answered. “Now, run upstairs and change out of your church clothes and we’ll be on our way.”

I raced up to my room and changed, before Mom and I got in the car and set out for the mall. We had a nice afternoon together and I got some new clothes, along with a few school supplies, before we headed back. When we returned home, Dad was there, so I told him about the job too. He congratulated me and signed the papers, but then he actually gave me a hug too. That’s two hugs and a kiss since we’ve been here, so I guess maybe he does still love me.

After dinner, I laid out my clothes for the next day and put the rest of the things away, before I went to bed. I turned in early because I wanted to be well rested for the orientation tomorrow morning, so I guess I was actually a little excited about going there. My dreams that night kept changing and moved from one situation to another. First, I would dream about the new school and meeting other students, but then my dream would shift to me being with Ryan again, when I went back to visit him. There were no bad dreams, but some of them were very interesting, if you know what I mean. I woke up in the morning raring to go, but still slightly aroused, because of the dreams about Ryan.

The orientation took place in the auditorium and there were a lot of other kids in there with me. Some of them were moving up from the middle school to the high school, but there were also a handful of others like me who were new to the district. Here the ninth grade was in the high school and not in the junior high, like it was at my old school district. There, grades K-6 were all in the elementary school and there was no middle school. Grades 7-9 made up the junior high school and only grades 10-12 were in the high school, so this would take some getting used to. I was expecting to be part of the oldest group of students this year, but now I was back at the bottom of the ladder again.

I didn’t meet anyone especially interesting, but I was introduced to the school rules, got to meet some of the faculty and staff, and was taken on another tour of the school, but most important of all, I got my class schedule. Some of the other new students wanted to see if we had any classes together, but we were pretty much on our own. In my old school district, there were possibly two or three sections at each grade level, but here there must have been twice as many as that, maybe even more. This was something else I’d have to get used to, which was having so many others in my grade level.

Once I left the orientation, I spent the rest of the day studying my schedule, trying on the rest of my new clothes and getting everything ready for the next morning. I was sort of excited about this, because I kept thinking about that computer lab and hoped some more students would introduce themselves to me, not just the couple of other transfer students I got to meet today. I know I should be brave enough to introduce myself, but that just wasn’t my style, so I understood I would have to depend on the courage of others. I just hoped there were some students in my class who were braver than me.

The first few days of school were quite uneventful, but I was able to find time to get to the computer lab. It worked out that I happened to have a study hall that coincided with one of the lab’s open periods, so I signed out and went there instead. There were only a couple of people in the lab at the time, in addition to the aide who was assigned to work there. I explained to her that I didn’t know very much about computers, since I didn’t have one of my own and my old school district didn’t have very many available for the students to use. After she heard my story, she sat down and began to teach me some of the basics.

When we were done, I thanked her and asked if she would also be there after school. She then explained that she worked in the lab from the time it opened in the morning and until it closed down for the day, except for when another aide covered for her during her lunch hour. When I heard that, I told her I’d be back, so by the end of the first week I had gone there many times. I went to the lab during my study hall, over the lunch period and then again after school, and she and the other aide helped me a lot. I now knew how to use various search engines to look up information and how to use MS Word, to write any future papers I might be assigned.

When Saturday rolled around, I went to the grocery store to start my training. After I arrived, I discovered another boy, named Peter, was there to start too. Mr. Farrell came out to greet us and gave us a brief tour and a basic rundown of what the job entailed, but then he assigned another employee to instruct us about the different things we were going to do. This person started out by showing us where things were located in the aisles and where the excess stock was kept, and then he taught us the correct way to bag groceries. After that, he had us practice for a while working behind one of the cashiers while he watched us. After we’d each bagged up several orders, he critiqued our efforts and then told us to take a fifteen-minute break.

During the break, Peter came up to me and started talking. He asked what grade I was in and where I had gone to school before coming here, and it turned out we were in the same grade and even in the same biology class. I guess we must not have noticed each other in it, because it was such a large class, but it seemed nice that we had something else in common beside work. Once the fifteen minutes were up, we went back to work and finished out the rest of our shift.

I didn’t give much thought about our conversation after that, but as we were leaving the store after work, Peter asked me where I lived. When I told him, he said he lived in the opposite direction and then we compared our next week’s schedule for work. Mr. Farrell had given them to us just before we left and we noticed we were both working Friday after school, as well as Saturday. Peter suggested we could walk from school to work together on Friday and I agreed. We said our goodbyes and then turned in opposite directions to head home.

I was pleased when Peter spoke to me in school the next week, because it meant I was friendly with at least one other person. Peter seemed like a nice guy and was easy on the eyes, but I didn’t think he gorgeous, at least not like Ryan was. Peter was an inch or two taller than me, had brown hair and hazel eyes, and looked a little stocky. I wouldn’t call him fat, but I didn’t think the added girth was from being overly muscular either. It didn’t matter though, because he had the courage to speak to me, so I’d definitely make the best of this opportunity.

When classes started on Monday, I made sure to say hi to Peter when I got to biology class. He said hi back and smiled, but that was it. After school I went to the computer lab again and told the aide that I would be there every night after school, except for Friday. She said that would be fine and I thanked her, once more, for all of the extra help.

Tuesday went about the same and Peter and I swapped hellos in biology class again. When school ended for the day, I went back to the computer lab and started working with the aide. After a few minutes, I noticed Peter come in, but he passed by without speaking and went to a computer in the back corner of the lab. I guess he must not have seen me, so when I finished what I was working on, I went back to speak with him. When he saw me, he got very nervous.

“Hi, Peter. What are you doing?” I offered, trying to break the ice.

“Oh, nothing. Just reading some articles on the web,” he replied.

“Articles about what?” I followed, merely trying to keep the conversation going.

“Uh, just some stuff I was interested in,” he responded, cryptically.

“Do you mind showing me?” I asked. “I’m just learning most of this stuff, since I’ve never had a chance to work on computers before, so I’d just like to see what other people are doing too.”

“Well, uh, you probably wouldn’t be, um, interested in this stuff,” he stuttered. “It’s kind of far out.”

“I like far out things sometimes, so let me see,” I urged. “Maybe I’ll like this.”

“Well, uh, this stuff is really far out and besides I’m done,” he quickly added.

Just after saying this, he signed off of his computer and left the lab, but not before telling me he’d see me on Friday. I thought the whole thing was kind of bizarre and wondered what it was that he didn’t want me to see, but maybe he’d show me some other time. Possibly he was just trying to let me know he valued his privacy, but he wasn’t upset with me. I guess I’d find out for sure eventually.

The next several weeks went about the same and I would occasionally see Peter in the computer lab, but he was always fairly secretive about what he was up to. I was learning a great deal and getting pretty good at doing things on the computer, so I decided maybe I might be able to find some information about being gay online. Possibly, I could find an address for a local gay youth group or maybe even find some information that would help me when Ryan and I got back together. If I could find out more about these types of things while still remaining anonymous, then I wouldn’t have to worry about what anyone else might think or say. I also wouldn’t have to worry about any of this getting back to my parents either. This was great and the Internet was wonderful for me.

In a very short time, I began to find a great deal of information that I could use. I wasn’t able to get into any of the picture sites, but I found all kinds of sites with reference information and links to other sites, but I also discovered there were story sites I could go to as well. Some of these stories also had sex scenes in them too and gave basic information you would need to know to participate in such activities. Damn! It sure would have been nice to have this around when I was experimenting with Ryan, but maybe that’s where he learned everything.

After being on those sites, I began to realize I wasn’t alone in what I was going through and there were a whole bunch of other gay people out there too, of all different ages. I discovered there were a fairly large number of other young gays who were not only seeking to be accepted, but some were also being bullied and harassed. There were a few of them who were even questioning their faith and wondering if they could continue to believe in a God that despised them.

I read a bunch of these stories, at least the ones that dealt with characters around my age, and if I really like the story then I would even email the author. I would not only tell him that I enjoyed what he wrote, but I would also explain why it was so important he had done this and what it meant for me. I would often tell the author that I was learning a great deal about being gay from what he described in his story, but I was learning even more from what the various authors wrote back to me in their emails.

I saw Peter in the computer lab at least once or twice a week, but we never really talked very much when we were there, because we were both too involved in the things we were doing on the computer. Each Friday, Peter and I would meet and walk to the store together, since we were usually both scheduled to work then, and we’d chat about our classes and families as we went along. I liked Peter as a friend, but we weren’t very close and didn’t seem to have very much in common, other than work and school. I don’t know why, but I noticed he didn’t appear to have any other friends either, although there were a few individuals he spoke to in the halls, lunchroom or in class, but there was no one in particular that he spent time with. From what I had seen, he seemed to hang around with me more than anyone else, other than his parents.

The fall semester was going by quite quickly and I was doing really well in my classes. I also liked my job and things were going great at home, and by mid-October Mom helped me buy my plane ticket for Christmas. I did have one minor problem at work, though, and that had to do with working on Sundays. I finally got my father to agree to let me work from two until closing, at six, which would allow me to attend church services and still make Mr. Farrell happy by working at least part of the day. I also volunteered to work on my days off from school and during the other holidays, so I could earn even more money. By doing this, Mr. Farrell was willing to let me take the time between Christmas and New Year’s Day off without losing my job.

It was now the week before Christmas and I was getting excited about going on my trip to see Ryan. There were only a few days of school left before the holiday recess began and I was in the computer lab again. I went there nearly every day to read gay stories online, since I was hoping to find new ideas about things Ryan I might be able to try while we were together. I was glad both of his parents worked during the day, because that would allow us a chance to be alone. I happened to be really into one particular story at the time, when I heard a voice behind me.

“You read gay stories?” the voice asked, so I wheeled around to see who had caught me.

When I looked up, I saw Peter staring at me with a shocked expression plastered across his face. There was nothing I could do, because I had been caught! I was terrified and expected he would tell others what he saw me doing, so eventually everyone in school, whether they knew me personally or not, would know I was gay. I spun back toward the monitor, so I could close the window and sign off the computer, before I stood up, grabbed my belongings and raced out of the room.

As I flew through the door, I heard Peter call after me, but I just wasn’t ready to face him or answer his questions. I didn’t know what to say and wasn’t sure if I wanted to find out how he was going to react. I just wanted to crawl into a corner and die. For some unknown reason, instead of leaving the building, I chose to run down the stairs to the basement instead and hid in the darkened, triangular opening under the stairway. I hoped I’d be able to hide there until Peter went home and then I’d leave the building unobserved. Unfortunately, Peter must have seen where I went, because the next thing I knew he was standing in front of me and watching me cower in the semi-darkness. As I looked up at him, I was trying very hard not to cry.

“Just get out of here and leave me alone,” I stated, but without screaming at him. “Now, you know about me. I’m gay and there’s nothing I can do about it. So just get out of here and have a good laugh about it when you tell your friends about me. Maybe my Dad will let me move away from here and go back to my old school now.”

“Zach. I’m not going to tell anyone,” he responded.

I immediately noticed his voice was soft and gentle, so it caused me to look up and wonder why he was being so understanding and nice.

“Why not?” I challenged. “Nobody likes fags, so you can probably score points by telling everyone else about me.”

He merely continued to stare at me, until he finally formed his response.

“There is one group that doesn’t hate fags,” he began, “and that’s other gays.”

I wasn’t sure what he meant by this, but I wasn’t certain if I wanted to know either.

“Yeah, like I have a lot of them around to stand beside me,” I scoffed.

“How about just one then?” he asked, which caused my mouth to drop open.

“You… you mean… you’re gay too?” I stammered, not quite sure if I should believe him or not.

He merely nodded his head in response and then waited for me to make the next move. When I remained where I was, since I was too dumbfounded to speak or move, he crept toward me and slowly inched his way even closer to where I was huddled under the stairs.

“Do you remember the day you came over to me in the computer lab and wanted to know what I was doing?” he asked, and I nodded in response. “Well, I was reading gay stories then and tried my best to keep you from finding out.”

“No way!” I exclaimed, still dubious.

“Yes. I was, and I was scared to death that you had discovered what I was doing, because I was afraid you’d seen enough to possibly figure it out. I wasn’t sure how I should act around you after that, but then you didn’t seem any different and didn’t act like anything was wrong. For that reason, I decided you must not have realized what I was doing, but I was a lot more careful afterward and always erased the history. I couldn’t do this at home, because my parents have a tracking system hooked into our Internet.”

After saying this, Ryan knelt down, moved even closer to me and put his hand on my shoulder.

“Why don’t you come out of there, so we can go outside and talk?” he offered. “You know, where it’s more private.”

I nodded and slithered out of the confined area, and then I walked back to the first floor with Peter and followed him outside. We quickly found a quiet place where we could talk alone and then we stopped.

“Peter? How long have you known you were gay?” I wanted to know, basically to satisfy my own curiosity.

“I guess I’ve always known, but I finally admitted it to myself about two years ago. How about you?” he asked in return.

“I’ve known since I was about seven or eight,” I admitted. “At first, I just liked to look at other boys’ bodies, but I knew girls didn’t interest me at all.”

“Have you ever, you know, done stuff with anyone, Zach?” he asked next.

I immediately wondered how open I should be with him and almost wished he hadn’t gone down this road. I could tell he really wanted me to answer this question, because his eyes were pleading with me to respond. After thinking about it for a short time, I decided I should try to be honest, if only to repay him for how supportive he’d been to me.

“Yes, with my best friend from where I used to live,” I told him. “How about you?”

“I’ve never done anything,” he admitted. “I’ve always been too scared to suggest doing something with the people I knew and I’m not aware of anyone who is openly gay. I was just afraid that if I said something to the wrong person, then he’d start calling me names and tell everyone else about me. Besides. I don’t have any ‘real’ friends either, because most people think I’m kind of weird, since I don’t like the same types of things they do. Do you think that maybe you might be willing to do something with me sometime?”

“Maybe, but I’ll have to think about it first,” I offered. “I think maybe I should also ask Ryan if he’d mind.”

“Is Ryan your boyfriend?” Peter wanted to know.

I nodded my head in response, but only because he didn’t know Ryan. I would never have admitted this to anyone that Ryan and I both knew, even if they had figured out I was gay, because I’d do whatever it took to protect him.

“Yes, I guess he is and he’s the one I’ve tried some stuff with,” I confirmed. “I wouldn’t do anything unless I checked with him first, otherwise I’d feel like I was cheating on him and I don’t think I could live with that. I mean if he agrees to let me show you some things, it will be as a friend and not as a boyfriend. Would that be all right with you?”

“Yeah. It’s definitely better than not knowing what it is like or not being able to do anything at all,” Peter agreed. “I probably wouldn’t have asked you, Zach, if I’d known you already had a boyfriend. I do like you and would appreciate your help though, so whatever you agree to will be fine.”

“I understand and think Ryan probably will too,” I conceded.

“Do you really think so?” he shot back. “Maybe if you called him soon, then we could get together over Christmas and try some things.”

“Maybe after Christmas,” I offered. “I’m going to fly back to visit Ryan over Christmas break and spend the week with him.”

“Oh, I didn’t know. I’m sorry,” he apologized meekly.

“You don’t have to be sorry, Peter,” I replied. “We’re friends, and now that we know about each other, we can be even better friends and help each other survive and keep our sanity. I’m glad you found out about me, because it was driving me crazy that I no longer had anyone I could talk to about things like this. Do your parents know?”

“Not yet,” he answered. “I think my folks would handle it all right, but I haven’t been able to work up the courage to tell them. How about yours?”

“No way!” I almost screamed. “My father’s a minister and considers homosexuality a sin. He’d totally flip out if he ever discovered my secret. I’m not really sure about how my mom would react, but I don’t think she’d handle it very well either.”

“Zach, have you ever seen any pictures of guys doing things?” Peter followed, which caught me totally off guard.

“No. I’ve never seen any of the gay magazines or any of the sites on the Internet,” I responded. “From what I can tell, they all seem to require a credit card.”

“Not all of them, because I’ve seen some stuff online,” he confessed.

“You have?” I gasped. “What have you seen?”

“I’ve seen pictures of guys actually doing it,” he confirmed. “They were even good looking young guys too.”

“How did you get to see it?” I wondered.

“There are some free sites online where you can see different clips,” he told me. “Some of vids were put there by the pay sites, as a way to get people to join, but others were posted by amateurs who recorded what they were doing with a webcam. Do you want to go back to the computer lab and check some of them out?”

“Is it safe to do it?” I wondered, since it certainly didn’t sound safe.

“Yeah, I’ve done it in there before, but I only do it on this one computer back in the corner of the lab and then delete the history afterward. We still have to keep our eyes open though, just in case someone heads back our way.”

“If you think we can do it without getting caught, then lets give it a try,” I rapidly agreed.

We immediately headed back to the lab and I got to watch some vids and looked at a few pictures. This gave me a better idea if I had been doing anything wrong, but I also got to see if there was anything new I wanted to try with Ryan, before I left on my trip.