A Love Story - 4. Chapter 4 - A Clean Slate

Marybeth stood at the cage and calmly said, “Hey, guys, that new kid is crying in his room and I think he’s going to off himself with his sheet.”

“Oh, shit!” one of the nurses said.

Three male nursing assistants dashed out of the cage followed by two nurses, one with a stethoscope and the other with a syringe and a bottle of sedative. They rushed into the boy’s room and saw the partially hanging body jerking from a knotted loop in a bedsheet. One of the nursing assistants pulled the boy up to a standing position while another started cutting the loop around the boy’s neck with scissors he carried in his pocket for such emergencies. Once the sheet had been removed one of the nurses placed the stethoscope over the carotid artery and said, “I have a pulse. Lay him on the bed and go call downstairs and get a gurney up here.”

Later, in a room on the pediatrics medical floor the boy lay in a bed in a four-bed ward. The privacy draperies had been pulled around the bed. There was a neck brace on the boy and a breathing tube taped to his mouth. An IV dripped fluid into a tube that ended on the boy’s right forearm. He slept the dreamless sleep of an induced coma.

Three weeks later, a doctor came to the bed with a nurse and injected some medicine into the IV and they waited. After a few minutes, the boy opened his eyes. He tried to talk, but quickly realized something was in his mouth that prevented that from occurring.

“I’m going to take out your breathing tube,” the doctor said. “You will feel the need to cough. Please don’t hesitate to do that.”

Just as the doctor predicted, the boy coughed quite a few times before he felt his throat was clear.

“Am I dead?” the boy asked.

“Sorry, no,” the doctor said.

“Phooey,” the boy said disgustedly.

“I want you to rest. If necessary, we won’t hesitate to sedate you, again.”

“This thing around my neck.”

“You severely bruised the muscles on the right side of your neck and suffered a minor carotid contusion on that side from the force of the knot pressing against the skin. Quite frankly, son, you nearly got it right and came quite close to dying.”

“But, I didn’t; did I?”

“You’ll have to discuss that with your psychiatrist.”

“Oh, yeah, her.”

The doctor and the nurse left; and, a slender, twenty-something man in blue scrubs came through the draperies with a chair and sat at the foot of the bed.

“Who are you?” the boy asked.

“My name is Ted.”

“Why are you here?”

“To make sure you don’t do anything to harm yourself.”

“Are you some kind of nurse or something?”

“I’m an LPN here in Pediatrics.”

“What’s an LPN.”

“Licensed Practical Nurse or more commonly called, ‘almost a nurse’.”

“Where are you from.”

“I live with my husband in Farmingdale. It’s on Long Island.”

“You’re gay?”

“Yes, do you have a problem with that?”

“Oh, no.”

“Good, then we should get along just fine, Troy.”

“I’m not Troy, my name is Benny.”

“I don’t understand; your record clearly states your first name is Troy.”

“I was raised as Benny; Troy came out when we were in Kentucky.”

“What?”

“Look, I have a split personality. There’s three kids in my head. Me, Troy, and a girl whose name I can’t remember for some reason.”

“Oh, shit; how do you live?”

“We were doing okay before Troy escaped from a mental institution upstate and got shot by a pervert. We have to go to physical therapy to strengthen the upper arm muscles because that’s where the bullet went. It busted my arm bone so bad they had to operate on it. My right arm is nearly two inches shorter than the left. I think I still have plates and screws in it.”

“That’ll certainly mess up your football game.”

“I’m not supposed to play sports until after they take out the hardware, which probably won’t be for another year. Could I get something to drink? I’m kind of thirsty since they took out that tube.”

“Press your call button. It’s pinned to your bed.”

“Oh, yeah, here it is. You’re not supposed to leave me alone; are you?”

“Nope.”

A nurse in green scrubs came through the draperies. Benny knew she was an LPN because her name tag said, “Suzette Armstrong, LPN.”

“Yes, can I help you?” she asked. “Oh, hi, Ted; they got you on guard duty, huh?”

“Yeah, Grace said I’d probably be able to deal with the boy better than anyone else. Say, can you stay here for a little bit? I really need to take a piss and Benny here wants something to drink.”

“Sure, go ahead.”

Benny laid back as best he could with the collar around his neck. He stared up at the bare yellow ceiling and wondered if he was going to attempt that stupid act ever again. He quickly decided that he just might do it because there was little hope that he was ever going to be able to control Troy or that girl, whatever her name was. Why couldn’t he remember her name? He could remember Troy, but not the girl. Why was that?

Then he started thinking back before Troy escaped from the funny farm. He felt he should remember some of the time they spent there, but it was a complete blank. And, before being sent there, where were they? Somebody important died, but who was that? Wasn’t somebody in prison? But, who was that? Why couldn’t he remember back before tying that sheet around his neck. He could remember that and, for some reason, he remembered Dr. Goldmeier. Who was Erik and why did Troy like him. The boy wasn’t black. He was blind and he didn’t go with them back to the foster group home in Lyons. Where did he go?

“Here you go, Benny,” Ted said as he walked through the draperies with an aluminum can with a straw in it. “Hope you like lemon-lime. We can’t let you have anything with caffeine in it. Wait a minute, let me get your tray.”

He disappeared for a moment and then wheeled in a tray contraption that extended over the bed. He said, “Here you go. Can you reach it from where you are? Okay, a little closer. Is that okay?”

“Yes, thank you,” Benny said.

“Okay, Suzy, you can get back to the desk,” Ted said. “I bet Grace is waiting for you to get some little girl to sit on a bedpan.”

“You got that right. My professional life revolves around little kids sitting on bedpans and cleaning their little bottoms. I’ll be glad when I get my BS and can upgrade to RN.”

“How long do you got to go?”

“Twenty-five credits and the practical, but I won’t be able to do it here. So, me and Glenn are going to be living on one income for three months.”

“Where will you go?”

“NYU.”

“That’s just up the street.”

“Yeah, but it’s not here.”

“Will you come back?”

“And, do bedpans for Grace? No way!”

“I wonder who’s going to get stuck with them?”

“You?”

“Not me. I’m gay, so Grace says I can’t be around naked little boys and I’m male, so I can’t be around naked little girls.”

“She can’t do that. Why don’t you complain to staff?”

“And, end up having to do bedpans? No, she keeps me busy. But, that’s alright because I have my application in at a few hospitals out on the Island.”

“Well, I wish you luck.”

“You too, Suzy.”

Benny watched her disappear through the draperies and said, “She seems nice.”

“Yeah, she’s a real trooper having to put up with Grace,” Ted said.

“Who’s Grace?”

“Oh, she’s the head nurse on this shift. Don’t say anything to anyone, but Grace isn’t her name. We call her that because you want to say grace when she doles out some despicable task. Us LPNs catch shit from Grace.”

“Why doesn’t anyone complain?”

“And, end up getting transferred to some other unit and having Grace tell your new Head what’s what; even if it’s a total bag of shit?”

“So, you’re leaving here?”

“Hopefully.”

“Uhh, something hurts in my neck when I just swallowed,” Benny whined. “Make stop, please?”

“Oh, shit!” Ted exclaimed as he stood up and pressed the call button. “Somebody will be here in a minute.”

“Ohh, ohh, it hurts. Ohhhh.”

The boy passed out; dropping the soda can on the bed. Suzy, the LPN, came in and said, “What’s wrong now?”

“He complained that his neck hurt when he swallowed his drink and he’s passed out.”

“Oh, crap. I’ll be right back.”

Ted felt the pulse in Benny’s right wrist, but it was so faint he moved his fingers to the boy’s forehead. The pulse there was also faint. An RN came and asked, “What’s going on here?”

“He swallowed some of his drink and complained of an extreme pain in his neck,” Ted said. “I checked his pulse at his wrist and forehead and both are faint.”

“Who gave you permission to give him a beverage?”

“Agnes.”

“Fucking dumb bitch. She’d give a bucket of gasoline to a fireman. Get his gown off and I’ll be back with the cart. I’m calling vascular and get them up here.”

* * *

The next day Benny woke up with the brace still around his neck, an IV in his arm, and a beeping sound over his head. He looked up and saw that the ceiling was painted a dark green. He wondered why that was so. There were draperies on either side of him, but none across the foot of the bed. He wondered why that was so. Also, he wondered what that beeping sound was.

He saw a nurse in light blue scrubs come into his space and he smiled.

“Oh, good, you’re awake,” she said. For some reason she didn’t have a nametag on, but she did have a stethoscope draped around her neck. “Troy, how do you feel?”

“My name is Benny, not Troy.”

“Okay, I’ll let everyone know you go by Benny. Are you in any pain?”

Benny thought about that question, but for some reason he couldn’t come up with an answer. So, he said, “I don’t know. Can I have something to drink? I’m very thirsty.”

“Sorry, no can do. You had surgery on your neck to remove a carotid thrombosis.”

“A what?”

“You had a blood clot in your carotid artery and it decreased the flow of blood to your brain. You had, we hope, only a minor ischemic event.”

“A what?”

“You had a stroke.”

“But, I’m just a kid.”

“Yes, a kid who tried to end it all.”

“So, when do I get something to drink?”

“When your doctor says its okay. Don’t worry, you’re receiving plenty of fluids. The sensation of thirst is caused by the part of the brain that regulates fluid balances in your body. In this case, it is incorrectly signaling your mouth to take in water.”

“But, what can I do about it?”

“Let me go ask; maybe we can give you some lemon drops to suck on so that function in your brain will be faked into thinking you need to drink water.”

Benny watched her leave and lay back. He thought about a few things, but couldn’t quite remember what he was supposed to be thinking about. Then he remembered he was thinking about that Erik boy at that home in Warnton. He tried thinking about how he could get in contact with him, but he kept running to some kind of blockage in his mind that prevented thinking about the blind boy who some boy named Troy liked. Then he remembered that man named Ernie. Wasn’t he his foster father? He wondered if Ernie could find out what happened to Erik. Then he thought how foolish it would be to expect that boy to come and see him at the hospital, especially when he was expecting to see that boy Troy. For that matter, who was Troy?

“Here we go,” the nurse said as she appeared around the end of the drapery.

“Do you have a name?” Benny asked.

“Oh, sorry, it’s Maybelle.”

“Are you from the South?”

“No, not exactly, my mother is from Yazoo City, Mississippi, and she named me after one of her aunts. Are you from the South?”

“I can’t remember.”

“Oh, dear, I best report that. Oh, yes, here are some lemon drops. Suck on them and the sensation of thirst will go away, but, definitely, do not swallow them.”

“Thank you, Miss Maybelle.”

“Mrs., I’ll have you know.”

“Mrs. Maybelle, could you do me a favor? I think I have a foster father whose name is Ernie something. I think he lives someplace where there is a park. The name of the neighborhood is Park something. I can’t remember that, either.”

“Do you want me to see if your parents will come and see you?”

“I think they’re dead. I can’t remember them, but I’d like to see that Ernie person because I want him to find someone I met once. He was a nice boy, but he was blind so he won’t know what I look like.”

“Okay, Benny, I’ll check for you.”

Benny put a lemon drop in his mouth and tried to remember what he was supposed to do with it. It was too big to swallow without a drink of water, so he spit it out into the little plastic bowl that held the others. He rolled his tongue around his mouth moving the sour lemon taste everywhere he could and then he realized he wasn’t so thirsty as he thought. He picked up the lemon drop and put it back in his mouth. He used his tongue to spread the candy everywhere relishing in its ability to quench his thirst. But, he couldn’t quite remember if he was supposed to be doing this.

All the while he was rolling the lemon drop in his mouth, he tried to think of his parents. He obviously must have had parents. Kids just don’t drop out of the sky. Then Erik came to his mind, again. Why was this boy so important to him when it was that boy named Troy who made friends with Erik? Then he thought about Troy and began to wonder who that boy was. Who was Troy and why was he thinking there should be a kid named Troy?

A short, frumpy woman with graying hair in a white jacket came around the drapery and said, “Hello, Benny, how are you feeling today?”

Benny spit the lemon drop back into the bowl and matter-of-factly asked, “Who are you?”

“Don’t you remember me?”

“No; are you my mother?”

“No, I’m your psychiatrist, Dr. Esmerelda Goldmeier. We’ve spoken quite a few times.”

“I’m sorry, but I don’t remember ever speaking to you.”

“Oh, dear, it appears your stroke was more significant than we were led to believe. I must report this to your neurologist.”

“Can I ask you a question?”

“Certainly.”

“Who is Troy? Is he someone I should remember? I think I met a boy named Troy once, but I can’t remember what he looked like or where I was when I met him. I think I know he was a friend of a boy named Erik at the foster home in Warnton, but I can’t place him.”

“Do you remember Mary?”

“Mary? No, I’ve never met a girl named Mary.”

“Oh, dear, is it possible your stroke cured you of Dissociative Identity Disorder? Yes, I must speak with your neurologist. This maybe a significant event.”

“I don’t understand.”

“No, my dear boy, you don’t and I don’t want it to trouble you. You’ve been through a lot here at the hospital and we must began to think about sending you home.”

“I think I have a foster father named Ernie.”

“Yes, you do. He’s called me about your status. I will definitely call him and let him know you might be cured. This is so amazing, I must call the NIH to see if there’s ever been a cure such as yours.”

“I’m sorry, but I don’t understand what you’re talking about. What am I cured of?”

“Well, we have to test you to make certain, if there are such tests. Okay, Benny, rest assured I will get in contact with Ernie. Is there anything else you need?”

“Yes, I want Ernie to find a boy who was at the foster home in Warnton when I was there. His name is Erik and he’s blind. For some reason I don’t understand, I think he was a friend of a boy named Troy, but I don’t remember ever knowing a boy named Troy.”

“Benny, I do not want you to be troubled by not remembering that boy named Troy. He might very well be a figment of your imagination.”

“Imagination? What’s that? Is it something I might have learned in school?”

“Oh, dear, to think we may have a clean slate here. Yes, I must call the NIH. Okay, Benny, I’ve got to go. You be good and do everything the nurses tell you.”

“Okay, my nurse is Mrs. Maybelle and I’ll do whatever she tells me.”

“Goodbye, Benny, I’ll see you soon.”

“Goodbye, whoever you are?”

Dr. Goldmeier quizzically looked at the boy, turned, and walked away. Benny watched her leave and wondered where he’d met her before. She seemed so amazed at his condition, but he couldn’t understand why that was. He put the lemon drop back in his mouth and thought about nothing.

* * *

A week later, Benny was in the Pediatric Acute Care Center when Ernie walked in escorting Erik.

“Benny, I’ve brought you your friend,” Ernie said. “Don’t worry I’ve explained the situation with your split personality.”

“Dr. Goldmeier still thinks I’m cured,” Benny said. “And, someone comes in everyday to help me with school work. I don’t remember a lot of things, but Miss Sylvia has been a great help.”

“Good to hear that, I had a feeling you needed someone like her.”

“You hired her?”

“Certainly, and I found your friend here.”

“Hi, Benny, I’m sorry I don’t remember you,” Erik said. “It was that other boy Troy who I knew.”

“I wish we could be friends,” Benny said. “You see, I don’t remember Troy anymore. But, I seem to remember you during the few times Troy dropped his guard and I could come out, but I was too shy to say anything. Probably, because I might have been afraid of everyone’s reaction.”

“You don’t talk like Troy,” Erik said.

“That’s what my psychiatrist tells me. She also said I had a girl inside me, too. But, you see, I don’t remember any of that.”

“So, you’re really white, not black like Troy?”

“That’s the problem, don’t you see, Troy thought he was black when he wasn’t.”

“Why did he do that?”

“My psychiatrist says that Troy became black because our mother said she was raped by a black man, but she wasn’t. It was all a lie according to what my psychiatrist said.”

“This is really weird, but I don’t see any reason we can’t become friends because, well, you see, I’m blind and I don’t have any friends. Do you have a smartphone so we can text until you get out of the hospital?”

“I’ll get him one,” Ernie said.

“You’re nice,” Erik said. “Why is that?”

“I’m Benny’s foster father and when he finally gets out of here, he’s coming back to Park Slope to live with me and my family.”

“Where’s Park Slope?”

“It’s in Brooklyn just downhill from Prospect Park, hence the name.”

“I live in an apartment across the street from Central Park, but, of course, I can’t see it and I don’t have anyone to take me there.”

“Do you live alone?”

“Oh, no, there’s a housekeeper who also cooks my meals.”

“Where do you go to school?”

“It’s a private school for boys. It’s nearby, but my chauffeur takes me in my black Mercedes SUV. Also, I have two private tutors that help me with my schoolwork and my French lessons.”

“Are you rich or something?” Benny asked.

“Yes, sort of. Although I do have lots of assets that I inherited from my dad, I’m on an allowance. Once I hired a man to guide me around my block, but he disappeared and if it wasn’t for a couple nice policemen, I’d have never gotten back home.”

“I’ll guide you around your neighborhood and take you to Central Park, too, for free,” Benny said.

“Why would you?”

“Because you’re a good kid and I do want to be your friend.”

“Okay, it’s a deal, though I will have to call my attorney. After that tour guide debacle, he’s placed me on a rather short leash.”

“Have him call me and I’ll explain everything he needs to know,” Ernie said.

“Benny, it was nice meeting you and I hope we do get the chance to become good friends,” Erik said. “Sir, I’d best be getting back to my apartment.”

“Sure thing, son,” Ernie said. “Benny, hurry up and get healed. According to Dr. Goldmeier, she’ll release you as long as you continue to see her in her office on a regular basis.”

“Goodbye Erik,” Benny said. “I hope to see you soon.”

After Ernie and Eric left, Benny lay in his bed trying to remember what three times nine equaled. He remembered three times one was three; but, what was three times two? There was someone who had helped him with his arithmetic tables; but, what was her name? Who was Miss Sylvia? Was she someone he’d met before? He pressed the call button.

After a few minutes a nurse came in and asked, “What do you need?”

Benny looked at her and wondered who she was. He couldn’t remember seeing anyone who looked like her.

“What is three time nine?” Benny asked.

“What?”

“If you don’t know, that’s okay. But, do you know what three times two is? I think I’m supposed to know, but I can’t remember. Can I ask you a personal question? What is a three?”

“You’re kidding right?”

“What do you mean? I think I know I’m a kid, but what is kidding? Is it being a kid?”

“Okay, you just lie there peaceful like and I’ll be back in a few minutes. I need to call your neurologist about this.”

“About what?”

“Like I said, son, try to calm yourself and I’ll be back soon.”

“You called me ‘son’. Are you my mother? I don’t remember if I had a mother, but if you’re her, I’ll do whatever you ask.”

“You just try to be calm until I get back. Okay?”

“Yes, Mother, I’ll do as you ask,” Benny said with a knowing smile.