What If? - 1. Chapter 1

What If?

K~

Please forgive me for being so cowardly as to write you this letter instead of speaking to you face to face. But please understand...every time I look at you, it takes my breath away and my words fail me. I am so overwhelmed by you. Everything about you...the color of your eyes, the way the light reflects in your hair, the way your smile haunts me while I lie alone in my room at night, thinking of you. I am helplessly, ridiculously in love with everything about you...the way you walk, the way you dress, even the way you hold your pen. Your intelligence, your compassion, your laughter, it all draws me in deeper. I hope one day I can approach you, see you smile that beautiful smile at me and hear my name coming from your lips before I claim them with my own. I pray for the day when I can touch you, feel your skin and taste your mouth. Until then, this is all I can offer you. A promise. Of love, of devotion, of admiration that I can one day hope to receive in return.

All my love,

J

"Josh?"

Joshua looked up from the tangled mess in his locker to find Keiran standing there. He had his messenger bag slung over one shoulder and held a fold of notebook paper in his hands, twisting it nervously.

"Hey, what's up?" he asked, pulling down his Geometry textbook and pushing some crumpled test papers back into the dark recesses of his locker with the toe of his sneaker.

"Uh...I have something I want to show you," Keiran said. "Can you hang out at my place for a little bit?"

Joshua glanced over again as he shut his locker and spun the lock. Keiran was watching him closely, intensely. It was a little unnerving, almost embarrassing. Like Keiran was appraising him. Refusing to be intimidated, Joshua looked him over in return. Joshua thought that Keiran could be considered a borderline geek, with his wire-rimmed glasses, bold red hair that he combed in a long wave high on his forehead and a starburst of freckles over his nose and cheeks.

"Did you drive?" Joshua finally asked.

Keiran shook his head. "Walked. Car's broken."

"Again?" Joshua said, swinging his backpack onto his shoulders. "That sucks." He followed Keiran out the back door, casting a quick glance around for his friend Kaylee, and kept on walking when he didn't see her.

Keiran remained silent as he loped through the parking lot and up the hill leading away from the school on long legs. Joshua followed him, detouring through several neighborhoods and entering a modest second story home. He followed Keiran to his basement bedroom. He sat down, and pulled a pencil from his backpack, twisting it between his fingers. His latest project was at home waiting for him, but his fingers still longed for the familiar feel of his carving knife and his hands ached for the yield of the blade sinking into a block of soft balsa or basswood.

"So what did you want to show me?" Joshua asked, fiddling with the pencil.

Keiran was sitting on the edge of his bed across from him, looking uncertain and unhappy. He still held the same piece of paper in his hands, still twisting it back and forth. Joshua was surprised that it hadn't torn.

"I-I wanted to talk to you. About...you know..." Keiran held up the paper.

Joshua lifted his eyebrows.

"Can I see it?" he finally asked, when it appeared that Keiran had lost his capacity for intelligent human speech.

Keiran held it out to him. The paper was soft and slightly worn at the creases, like it had been folded, opened and refolded multiple times. It hardly made a whisper of sound as Joshua unfolded it. He glanced over it.

"Wow, sounds like you have a secret admirer," Joshua said. He looked up. Keiran was staring at him red-faced, with his hands fisted in his lap. They looked lonely and lost without the scrap of paper within them.

Joshua read it a second time. Then realization began to dawn. He glanced through it again, than looked up and shook his head. "No. Sorry," he replied gently, as he folded it back into it's worn creases and handed it back to Keiran.

"Don't be," Keiran said, his face glowing even redder. "I didn't think so, but I wanted to make sure. I mean...I know you and..."

"Know I'm gay. Yeah, yeah, whatever."

There was a prolonged silence. Joshua decided to break it. "Well, this has been sufficiently awkward. Want to play Modern Warfare 3?"

"Sure."

Keiran didn't bring it up again.

* * *

That evening, Joshua sat on his bed, legs crossed, studying the wooden dragon in his hand. He rubbed his fingers over the edges, making sure there were no splinters or rough patches in the wood. It was for his best friend Kaylee, who had a thing for dragons and he planned on surprising her with it the next day. He was proud of it and thought it was one of his best pieces. He had spent the remainder of his evening working in the shed, perfecting it. Working on his carvings gave him time to think, creating a calming relaxing ritual, with his mind free-wheeling as his hands worked, shaped and created. This evening, he had been thinking about Keiran. At first, thinking about that afternoon made him feel embarrassed for the both of them. He could understand why Keiran would assume it was him. Joshua fit the logical criteria; he was openly gay, and they knew each other as acquaintances and casual friends at least.

And Joshua thought it was brave of Keiran to confront him. Much braver than whoever the writer of the letter was. The writer had confessed to being a coward and Joshua was inclined to believe him. If you really like someone, you should tell them how you feel...not put it down in a stupid letter with no way to identify yourself just to protect yourself from possible rejection.

Well, almost no way to identify yourself, Joshua amended. There was the small clue that had shifted Keiran in his direction...the initial.

J.

But it wasn't him.

There was a light knock on his door. "Come in," Joshua called and his mom opened it and looked in.

"Bedtime, honey."

"I know," Joshua said, putting the dragon down. He set his cell phone alarm and set it down on his bedside table as his mom shifted in the doorway.

"I've hardly seen you today. Everything alright?"

"Yeah," Joshua answered. "I just wanted to get this project done."

"Okay," she smiled and cut off the overhead light. "Good night sweetie.

"Good night Mom."

Joshua turned over onto his side and turned off the lamp. The dragon glared at him, backlit from the glow of his cell phone. He sighed and shut his eyes. He had thought about it earlier, what might have evolved, if he had been the writer of that mysterious letter. Would he have admitted it, when Keiran gave him the letter and asked him about it? What would have Keiran said to him in return? Would he have accepted such a confession, or would he have brushed him off as clumsily and tactlessly as Joshua had?

He sunk a little deeper into his sheets and felt his face grow a little warm.

What if he had written it?

What if?

"Oh, this is so romantic!" Kaylee squealed, reading the letter. They were all sitting outside at lunch, and Keiran had given her the letter. Kaylee had been their original link, the only way Keiran and Joshua had ever gotten to know each other. The attractive blond was sitting crossed legged with Joshua near the shop building. Technically, Joshua wasn't allowed to use his carving equipment on school grounds, but if he kept his knives in the shop class, which housed wood carving equipment, and was in proximity of the shop class teacher, then he could get away with working during his break. Kaylee often came over to keep him company, and Keiran would occasionally come with her. He had this time, giving her the letter to read.

"So you don't know who sent it?" Kaylee asked. Keiran shook his head. Kaylee quickly glanced at Joshua, who was bent over a block of wood, engrossed in the shape he was trying to coax out of it. Keiran shook his head again, quickly.

"Hmmm." Kaylee glanced down at it again. "J...that doesn't narrow it down much. How many Js do you know Keiran?"

Keiran shrugged. "Classmates mostly. There is Justin in my calculus class, but he's with someone. And JC in Brit Lit."

"Oh my God. What if it is JC?" Kaylee asked excitedly. "He is a total hottie!"

Keiran shrugged uncomfortably. "I don't know. He doesn't seem like my type."

Joshua found himself glaring down at the block of wood in his hand while his other hand worked the knife through it. "Have you stopped to consider that the writer might not be male?" He glanced up to see Kaylee's puzzled expression.

"No, I haven't," she said. "Keiran is openly gay. And this handwriting isn't at all feminine."

"Think about how many girls are in school whose names begin with J," Joshua pointed out. "Jessicas, Jennifers, Julies. There is a Jordan in one of my classes. Jamie. Jill."

Kaylee rolled her eyes. "Sure thing Josh. I'm sure some chick is going to write a love letter like this to a gay guy."

"Well, what makes you so sure it's the JC guy?" Joshua shot back.

"I'm not. It was just a possibility," Kaylee replied. "Geez, Josh, need a Pamprin?" She turned back to Keiran. "Let's make a list. We can check the school directory and LGTB organization too."

"That's really not necessary," Keiran said, getting to his feet. "I think it's just a joke. I'll see you later."

"Bye," Kaylee said softly, watching him leave. Then she turned on Joshua. "What the hell is your problem?"

Joshua didn't look up, tracing the curve of the figure he was forming with the knife. It was a fox, Keiran's favorite animal. Kaylee had received her dragon that morning, with a lot of girlish squealing and perfume scented hugs. "No problem. I just thought that he should consider all possibilities."

"Did he consider you?" Kaylee asked.

"It wasn't me. I already told him that."

Kaylee shrugged. "Makes sense to ask you. This looks a lot like your handwriting."

Joshua finally glanced up, then reached over and plucked the letter from Kaylee's hands. He scanned it again, scowling as he read the overwrought, overdramatic words. The handwriting was similar to his, written in the same neat blocky format that he favored. The initials, however, the K and J, were written with an elegant, flowing line that was different from the rest of the letter. The impression Joshua got was that it wasn't someone copying his handwriting, but someone trying to hide their own.

"I bet it is JC," Kaylee continued, sounding smug. "It has to be. He's single and he just started here a few months ago, so it makes perfect sense. He's discovered that he has feelings for Keiran and has to confess, but he fears rejection. Or maybe he's not out of the closet himself yet. It's a perfect fit...so romantic."

"You mean so pathetic," Joshua insisted.

"You are such a cynic!" Kaylee exclaimed. "How can you not find the idea of a love letter and a mysterious secret admirer romantic?"

"Well, I just think it's dumb," Joshua said. "If you like someone, you should just tell them."

Kaylee rolled her eyes. "You say that now, but if you were to feel toward someone like the writer of this letter feels towards Keiran, I think you would see things a little differently."

Joshua sighed and packed away his tools. He wasn't able to focus and had just barely kept himself from making the wrong cut in the wood during this whole conversation. He wrapped the wood in a piece of cloth and stored it with his tools in one of the lockers in the shop room.

He returned and flopped back down in the grass next to Kaylee for the few minutes of the break remaining. "Lemme see again."

He read the letter again, trying to fit it to Keiran. The smile was spot on. Keiran had a great smile. And the intelligence was there. Keiran was one of the smartest people Joshua knew. Kaylee, who was in most of the same classes as Keiran, was who had set Joshua up with Keiran as a tutor. Compassionate...maybe. It wasn't like Keiran was mean or anything. He volunteered at the library, tutored Joshua and helped take care of his brothers and sisters at home. He read the words again, his stomach curling unhappily. He just couldn't picture Keiran with a boyfriend.

I hope one day I can approach you, see you smile that beautiful smile at me and hear my name coming from your lips before I claim them with my own. I pray for the day when I can touch you, feel your skin and taste your mouth.

He shoved it back at Kaylee with a disgusted sigh. "It's stupid, Kaylee. It's just dumb. This person, whoever they are, doesn't even know him. Hasn't even talked to him, from the sound of it. How do they know they are in love?"

Kaylee gave him a long look that he couldn't decipher. There was something soft in her blue eyes, like a wish or promise. "Sometimes you just know," she said.

Joshua couldn't get it out of his head as he worked on completing the fox for Keiran. It wasn't a complicated piece like Kaylee's had been, so there was plenty of time to think while his eyes and hand followed the smooth strokes of the knife. He had been turning the letter over in his mind, his thoughts hooking on the corners and angles of the words written on that sheet of paper.

Kaylee's hypothesis regarding JC nagged at his mind. Try as he might, he just couldn't see the two of them together. He had seen JC in band class, bent over his flute, rather like Joshua often sat, bent over his latest project. JC had curly black hair surrounding his square, angular face with piercing gray eyes. He was quiet, but not really shy and there were several girls vying for his attention. It wasn't as if Joshua disliked him, or even found him unattractive. He just couldn't see him with Keiran. Who could he see with Keiran? Himself? Like that would ever happen.

He could, little as he wanted to admit it, see JC writing that letter. It was just the type of romantic, impractical thing that a dreamy musician would do. He wondered what Keiran's reaction would be. Would he be attracted to someone like JC? Or would he...

Joshua shook his head, trying to rid himself of that persistent, tempting thought.

It doesn't matter, he reminded himself firmly. It wasn't me.

Still his thoughts drifted there, slowly and softly like snowflakes carried on a gentle winter breeze. What if I had written it? He tried to imagine the romantic picture that the writer had painted: approaching Keiran at his locker, perhaps early in the morning for his tutoring. Imagined his smile as he approached, how it would lift the freckles on his cheeks and light up his gray eyes behind the rims of his glasses. He could almost hear Keiran, the slight tenoring of his voice when he was happy or excited, calling his name.

and hear my name coming from your lips before I claim them with my own.

He imagined that too, approaching him, stepping in close and leaning forward to do that. He would have to tilt his head a little because Keiran wasn't short, but because Joshua was tall. He had no idea what Keiran's mouth would feel like, but he thought it would be soft. He imagined Keiran's skin would be cool under his hands at first, but would warm quickly, as he cupped his face, exploring his mouth.

There was a creak and crackle of twigs and leaves right outside and Joshua almost jumped, his face growing warm as he realized the direction his thoughts were taking. His entire body felt too warm and there was a gentle pulsing at his groin.

Someone knocked at the door. "Come in," Joshua called, resuming his work. He knew it was his mom before she even stepped inside; no one else ever came out here.

"Dinner is almost ready," she told him. "I've been trying to text you."

Joshua pulled his phone out and saw his message light was blinking. He must have really been out of it to miss the dings of incoming messages.

"Sorry. I guess I didn't hear them."

She leaned against the doorway again. "You seem awfully distracted. Is everything okay?"

Joshua nodded. He was looking at the carving he had done for Keiran. It was almost ready.

"School is okay?" his mother pressed from the doorway. "Is the tutoring working out?"

"Everything is fine, Mom," he insisted, stepping back from the carving. "I'll be at the table as soon as I get washed up, okay?"

Joshua dragged himself, blurry eyed and grumpy, into school the next day. It was a tutoring day, which meant he had to be there early to meet with Keiran before classes.

It was hard to concentrate on geometry when Joshua wanted to concentrate on Keiran. At one point, Joshua found himself watching Keiran's fingers as he wrote out the solution to one of the problems Joshua had gotten wrong in the previous nights homework assignment. They had to share Joshua's textbook and Keiran was writing the solution down in Joshua's notebook so he could refer back to it later. Joshua found himself very aware of the presence of Keiran right beside him, the gentle banked heat coming off his body, the brush of his sleeve or wrist against him as he moved the pencil over the paper and the sound of his voice in his ear. Keiran always had a gentle, patient tone when he was doing tutoring, different from the exasperated or impatient tone Joshua got from some of his teachers as he fumbled his way through an equation or tried to recall the solution to a problem. He tried to focus on Keiran's words, on what he was saying, but the hand was distracting him. He stared at it, the short clean nails and the fine ginger hair and wanted to touch it, place his hand over Keiran's and stop the relentless motion of those fingers. Wanted to hold Keiran's hand in his own, feel the shape of it, lift it to his hand and press his lips against it. To taste the salt of his palm and feel the pulse of his wrist against his tongue.

The shrilling of the bell interrupted his train of thought and he glanced up, away from the hypnotic motion of Keiran's fingers. Keiran shifted back away from him and Joshua's body felt awash in chills once his warmth was gone. "Well, that's it for this morning. Do you want to go over some more at lunch time?"

"Sure," Joshua said. He could care less about geometry at the moment, but he found himself suddenly desperate to see Keiran again. He watched as Keiran pulled on his messenger bag, ducking his head to adjust the strap. He was overcome by an urge to touch the back of that pale neck, to cup it in the warmth of his palm and draw Keiran's face to his for a kiss. It was so strong, that Joshua actually had to curl his fingers into a fist for a few moments until he was sure he could control himself. He let those fingers grip the straps on his backpack instead, shouldering it on and following Keiran out of the tutoring center into the crowded hallways of pre-classes high school, where safety was found in curious eyes and privacy was nothing but an empty promise.

Paying attention in class was never one of Joshua's strengths, but today it was almost impossible. For one thing, he was exhausted. He had trouble sleeping last night and when he did, his slumber was full of crazy, incoherent dreams, mostly including him running. Whether he was chasing something or being the one chased, he wasn't sure. Secondly, he was trying to figure out what to do with Keiran. And he seriously didn't know how his teachers to expect him to focus on something as mind numbingly boring as inductive reasoning. Even though he tried to focus on the material he had just covered that morning with Keiran, he couldn't manage it today. He knew he had to talk to Keiran, to find some way to let the other boy know how he felt. And he had to do it soon, before that letter writing moron interfered and ruined everything. Joshua had wished, off and on, that he had told Keiran that he had wrote that letter, but that wasn't really the crux of the issue. He wished he had written the letter. He wanted to answer yes, when Keiran asked him about the letter, to know that those pretty words came from his own heart and that he wouldn't be lying. In fact, he wished that the secret admirer had never written the letter at all. Then he wouldn't even have to deal with this.

But that letter had woken up feelings in him that he had never even thought of before. Joshua didn't realize how much he liked Keiran until he had someone trying to take him away. It made him feel stupid and childlike, like he was a kid who never played with a toy until someone else wanted it and that annoyed him too.

He was relieved when the last bell before lunch sounded. Joshua sprang out to the picnic area with the most enthusiasm he had shown all day long and flopped down on the nearest table, dropping his bag down on the bench. He pressed his cheek against the sun-warmed boards and let out a long groan of contentment. It was a few minutes later, when he was nearly asleep, that he heard Keiran's chuckle and felt a shadow cutting a narrow strip of sunlight from warming his back.

"Here," Keiran said, setting a covered cup of coffee on the table, along with a generous heaping of sugar packets. "You looked like you needed it earlier."

Joshua pushed himself back into a sitting position and took the cup, ripping open several packs of sugar and dumping them in before taking a sip of the hot liquid. He liked the heat of coffee and the smell and the way it shot through his brain, throwing things into sharp clear focus for a few hours. If only someone could do something about that awful taste. He sat his feet down on the bench and leaned forward, lowering his head to take the glare of the sun off his face. Keiran was sitting on the bench below him, to his left, his lenses already darkening slightly in response to the sunshine.

"I take it your not in the mood for more studying?" Keiran asked.

Joshua shrugged apologetically. "Not really." He took another sip of coffee and lay back on the table, then turned onto his side. "Hey."

Keiran raised his eyebrows and smiled. "Yeah?"

"Did you find out who wrote the letter?"

Keiran's smile faded and disappeared. Joshua ached a little. He wanted to see that smile reappear. And he had just done something terribly wrong to erase it from his face. "No." Keiran opened his bag and pulled out a textbook and a packet of crackers. He ripped the packet open and stuffed some of the crackers into his mouth.

"Are you going to try to figure it out?" Joshua ventured.

Keiran shook his head. "No." He swallowed. "I had this discussion with Kaylee last night. This whole letter thing is just a big joke and I'm not going to play into it. Whoever sent it wants me to be the butt of his practical joke and I'm not falling for it."

"Why do you think it's a joke?" Joshua asked. He sat back up drink some more coffee. His exhaustion was creeping away with each sip.

Keiran shrugged. "Well, after listening to you and Kaylee talk about it, it really doesn't make any sense. I don't buy that there has been some guy hanging around for a while, dying over unrequited feelings. Especially not for me."

"Why not you?" Joshua asked.

Keiran sighed and Joshua could imagine him rolling his eyes behind the dark lenses of his glasses. "Oh come on. You read the same words I did. Does that really sound like the kind of a letter some guy would write to another guy?" Keiran's voice took on a higher, mocking tone. "Your smile, your laughter, the way you dress, blah, blah, blah." He shook his head. "I'm not anything that the letter said I was."

You are everything that letter said you are! Joshua thought.

"You don't think it is that guy that Kaylee mentioned? JC?"

"I doubt he is even gay," Keiran said. He stood up and grabbed his bag and his textbook. "If you don't need to study or go over anything, I'm going to head to the library. Later, okay?"

"Okay," Joshua echoed quietly, watching him go. He wished he had never said anything at all.

* * *

Joshua opened his locker and stared blankly at the contents inside. Did he have homework tonight? He sighed and rested his head against the door. At least tomorrow was Friday. There was his silver lining. The rest of the day, except for that morning and his wandering fascination with Keiran's penmanship, had sucked.

"Josh!" He glanced up and saw Kaylee running up to him, red faced and wide eyed. He automatically reached out to steady her as she stumbled to a stop. "Oh my God...I have to tell you..."

"What?" Joshua asked, equally concerned and annoyed. He just wanted to go home and rest. If this was another one of Kaylee's dramatics...

"I found out who wrote the letter!" Kaylee said.

"Hush," Joshua hissed. "He doesn't like to talk about it. He thinks it is just a joke." He paused for a moment, unable to help himself. "Who wrote it?"

"JC!" Kaylee said.

I'm gonna kill him...

"But that's not the whole story. He didn't write that letter for Keiran. He wrote it for me."

"You?"

"Yes," Kaylee gasped. "He put it in the wrong locker. Keiran's is right next to mine. He got them mixed up."

The letter had been addressed to K. Keiran. Kaylee.

A small spark of hope began to smolder in Joshua's chest, one that he was afraid to give reign to. "How do you know?"

"I asked him. I know that Keiran didn't want me to, but I was thinking it was him and that maybe I could get the two of them set up."

I would have so hated you for that, Joshua thought.

"So I asked him and he confessed, thinking I had figured out who he was. There was a little confusion, but we cleared it up. He is embarrassed and wants to apologize to Keiran, but he said he definitely wrote it to me."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes!" Kaylee said with an edge of frustration in her voice. Then she let out a burst of confused laughter. "It was never him. It was me."

Joshua let this information run through his head. Then he started to laugh. It bubbled and tumbled out of him, uncontrollably. He gripped the top of the locker door to steady himself and it swung forward, dragging him with it. That made him laugh harder. It ached in his belly, but he couldn't help it. It was as if someone had turned a valve inside him, releasing all the worry, regrets and "I should haves" and it rushed out of him in a brilliant stream of relief, transformed into fractured bursts of air. He also heard Kaylee's sudden intake of breath and looked up to see her staring past him with a stricken look on her face. "Keir..."

There was a thunder of footsteps besides him as a large group of basketball players pushed their way through the hall and Joshua turned in time to see a flash of Keiran's bright red hair as he disappeared around the corner.

"Dammit!" Joshua said, slamming the locker shut without bothering the check the lock, and raced after him. The hall was full of students anxious to escape the confines of the school and Joshua pushed by them impatiently, getting a couple of shouted insults in return. He shot into the student parking lot just as Keiran was tossing his bag into his car. Joshua raced across the gravel, approaching the car as Keiran put it in gear and started to drive.

"Stop!" Joshua shouted, chasing the car for a few feet before throwing himself in the open passenger side window.

Keiran gaped at him, slowing down the car, then scowled. It was a cold, angry look, one Joshua had never seen on Keiran's face before. "Get out of my way."

"No," Joshua said. "I want to talk to you."

"Forget it. I'm leaving," Keiran said. He eased up on the brake and the car rolled forward another few inches. Joshua lifted his feet up as he traveled with it, the seam of the window frame digging into his abdomen.

"Get the fuck out!" Keiran shouted.

"No," Joshua said. "Come on, I need to talk to you."

Keiran sighed and braked the car again. "Fine, then get the hell inside the car."

Not trusting that Keiran wouldn't just drive off as soon as he lost contact from the window, Joshua inched back just enough to shove his backpack off his shoulder, letting it slide down his arm and into the floor of the car. Then he hefted his frame through the window and dropped into the passenger seat in an ungraceful flop of torso and limbs. Keiran rolled his eyes.

"Can't even get into my car in a civilized manner?" Keiran sneered.

"Didn't want you leaving me in the dust," Joshua said lightly, trying for levity.

"I'm sure you would deserve it," Keiran said, driving the short distance back to his house in silence. Once they arrived, Joshua followed Keiran inside, who went into the kitchen instead of his room. He pulled out a cutting board and knife and started chopping up an apple that was resting on the counter. Joshua glanced at his watch and discovered that Keiran's brothers and sisters would be home soon. "Can I help?"

"Get crackers and peanut butter out of the pantry," Keiran replied stiffly. Joshua did so and started spreading peanut butter on them without being asked; anxious to give his hands something to do while his eyes followed Keiran's movements.

"How much did you hear?" Joshua asked as he placed the completed crackers on a plate.

"Enough," Keiran said, placing a few slices of apple on top of the crackers before turning back to cut some more. "I heard what Kaylee said about the note not being for me. And the two of you laughing yourselves up like a pair of hyenas over it."

"No, that wasn't-"

"Don't lie to me," Keiran said, giving a wedge of apple a particularly enthusiastic slice. "It wasn't for me, it was just another fantastically stupid joke with me at the center of it, just like I said. And you were laughing at me."

Joshua moved, putting his hand over Keiran's, stopping him mid slice. "That wasn't what was going on. I was laughing at the situation, not you. The letter wasn't a joke. JC did write it. But he wrote it for Kaylee." From his position he couldn't see Keiran's face, which was turned away. "He put it in your locker, by mistake. But it was a mistake. It wasn't a joke. Not a joke, Keiran."

"Get off of me," Keiran said. He spoke quietly, but his voice was far from warm. Joshua released his hand and stepped back. Keiran rubbed his sleeve against his face and resumed his work. "Well, good for them. I hope they are happy together."

"Why does this bother you?" Joshua asked. His hands ached to touch Keiran again, but he didn't dare. He had reveled in that brief moment of close contact, Keiran's hand underneath his and the warmth when he was pressed up against Keiran's shoulder. "You said yourself that you weren't going to take it seriously."

Keiran looked down and shook his head. "It's stupid. It doesn't matter." He straightened, bringing his shoulders back and his head up. He still wouldn't look at Joshua. "So, I'm sorry I yelled at you. Thank you for telling me the full story. It makes sense that the letter would be for Kaylee. She is everything that JC wrote."

"So are you," Joshua said. He had wanted to tell Keiran that ever since lunch but had been too...what--scared? Embarrassed?

Keiran shrugged. "Yeah, right."

Joshua sighed. His heartbeat was slamming against his ribs and he was sweating like crazy. But he was going to do this. Before another opportunity slipped through his fingers, leaving him with nothing but regret.

"Listen, Keir. Remember when you asked me if I wrote it?"

Keiran was facing away from him again and Joshua could see the way the back of his neck colored. "Don't."

Joshua wasn't sure where the found the courage, but he approached Keiran and wrapped his arms around him, pulling his back into his chest. He could feel the startled jerk of Keiran's body as he did so and held him a little tighter.

"I didn't write the letter. But when I read it, I wished I had." Joshua took another deep breath, trying to calm his racing heart. "The letter JC had written said exactly how I felt. It said the kind of things that I can't find words for. And I hated it, because I was terrified that this person was going to take you away from me. And I hated the idea that someone was going to have you, because they knew how to tell you how they felt...and I was too scared and stupid to do so. But I do feel the way that letter says. I want to see your eyes light up when you see me; I want to bring a smile to your face. I want to be able to touch you." He freed a hand from his embrace and stroked the back of his fingers against Keiran's neck, because he needed it, that touch. Keiran shivered and rolled his shoulder up.

"This isn't funny," Keiran said. His voice was thick and unsteady.

Screw this, Joshua thought. He was done with talking to Keiran's back. He released his embrace and grabbed Keiran by the shoulders, spinning him around to face him. Keiran stared up at him, a film of tears over his eyes. Something inside Joshua softened and broke. "I'm not joking," Joshua said. He reached up and pulled Keiran's glasses off his face and bent his head to kiss him, just like he had imagined. Keiran's mouth was soft, like he knew it would be and he sank into the kiss desperately, plundering his mouth and touching his face. He felt Keiran slowly respond, kissing him back, opening his mouth to allow Joshua's questing tongue entrance. Joshua hooked his arm around Keiran's waist, pulling him closer. His other hand cradled Keiran's head, touching his hair, his ear, his neck, anything his hand could reach.

The shouts and chatter of young voices reached Joshua's ears at the same time that Keiran jerked away from him. They stared at each other for endless seconds before the door burst open and Keiran's siblings poured into the room. Joshua dropped his arms and took a step back. He held Keiran's glasses out to him and the redhead took them with shaking hands.

"Okay, everyone round the table," Keiran commanded, shepherding the children to their seats before setting out plates of crackers. He poured juice for everyone and then walked out of the kitchen, motioning for Joshua to follow. Once they were in Keiran's bedroom, safely out of sight, Joshua put his hands on Keiran's hips and gave him another kiss, a slow, soft meeting of lips. "I'm not joking," Joshua whispered after drawing away. "Not about this. I'm your friend and I wouldn't do that to you. But I want to be more.”

Keiran stared at him with wide eyes. His face was flushed pink. He shook his head. "I-I don't-"

"Don't tell me you don't want me," Joshua said. "Not after the way you kissed me back." He moved in again but his heart sank when Keiran lifted his hands and pressed them against his chest. He didn't push Joshua away, just halted his advance.

"I need some time," Keiran finally said. His voice was soft but firm. "I need to think about this. Okay? I'm not mad, but I need to think."

"Fair enough," Joshua said. He took a step forward and Keiran let him. "You think about it. But I want to make one thing clear. I'm very serious about this. My feelings are real. This is not a joke or a game."

"I know that," Keiran said. "If I thought they were, we would not be having this conversation."

Joshua smiled a little. "Can I kiss you good-bye?"

Keiran didn't answer, but he didn't turn away when Joshua leaned forward and pressed his lips against Keiran's mouth. It was a good enough answer for him.

Joshua left Keiran to think and went to his shed to finish his carving and do some thinking himself. His fox was nearly complete though and after adding the finishing touches and smoothing it out so there were no splinters or rough patches, there was no work left to do. Joshua leaned against the worktable, cradling the wooden fox in his hands, studying it. He had never given it much thought before, but the fox was a good animal for Keiran. They both had hair the color of fire and both were clever and smart. Foxes were also thought to be cunning and tricky, and that was where the similarity ended. Keiran was guileless, almost to the point of naivety.

He wanted Keiran to be his fox. The thought, embarrassing and absurd as he knew it was, made Joshua smile.

His phone buzzed and when he checked it he saw a text message from Kaylee.

OMG!! :D

He smiled. Keiran must have called her. He sighed and put the fox down, then cleaned up the shed, sweeping up the wood chips and depositing them into a bag in the corner. Knowing that he would be too tempted to continue to work on the fox if he left it out, he wrapped it up in a piece of cloth and carried it inside. He would give it to Keiran tomorrow.

Hopefully Keiran would be willing to accept both of them.

* * *

Friday was not a math-tutoring day, but that didn't stop Joshua from dropping by the tutoring center just to see if Keiran was there. He didn't see him and tried to tell himself that he wasn't disappointed.

Tired as he had been the previous day, he didn't sleep well last night either. He had spent many hours staring at the ceiling, anxieties about Keiran and himself and what the future may hold snarled together in his mind. He struggled through classes that morning. Concentration was as lost as it was the day before and Joshua was pretty sure he bombed his English test. When asked to identify the speaker who was quoted as saying 'It's some damnable writing, I cannot read it.' from Wuthering Heights, he had simply written down The way I feel about this book.

When he wasn't thinking about Keiran, or himself and Keiran, he worried about the fox. He had brought it with him to school to give to Keiran and he was constantly checking his bag, making sure it was still tucked safely in it's cloth wrapping. He wished Keiran shared a class with him, just one. But Keiran was taking all the advanced classes, like the ones that Kaylee and JC took and Joshua was in average level classes where he struggled to keep up.

It didn't even help when he was released for lunch, because it was one of the days he was to meet with his biology tutor at the library. So he ate tucked in the corner where the librarian couldn't see them and listened to his tutor discuss protein synthesis. He wished he were studying geometry with Keiran instead. Or eating lunch with Keiran. Or at Keiran's house after school, kissing him in the kitchen again.

When Joshua opened his locker after school, a folded sheet of paper fell out and landed near his feet. He bent down to pick it up and unfolded it, read it. He smiled and looked up as Keiran approached.

"Hey what's up?" Joshua asked. He put away his Geometry textbook and pushed some crumpled homework papers back into his locker with the toe of his sneaker.

"Ready?" Keiran asked him.

Joshua glanced over again as he shut his locker and spun the lock. Keiran smiled at him, his eyes lit up underneath the rim of his glasses and his smile still a little shy.

"Sure." He turned and followed Keiran out the back door. "Did you drive?"

Keiran shook his head. "No. I thought it would be nice to walk."

Joshua took the sheet of paper and tucked it into his backpack, next to the fox he was planning on giving Keiran later. Then he pulled his backpack up on his shoulders and took Keiran's outstretched hand as they walked into the late afternoon sunshine.

J~

I know this whole situation started with a love letter. Even though it wasn't meant for me, it still affected both of us. I know I am not good at explaining how I feel. And if a letter worked for Kaylee and JC, maybe it can work for you and me.

When I looked at you in the past I saw a reliable friend, someone I liked playing video games with and helping with tutoring. I liked your friendly nature, and seeing the focus in your eyes when you worked on your carvings. But after yesterday I see things differently. I see you differently and myself differently too. I see us differently. It's confusing, but I liked what happened yesterday. I don't know how I feel yet but I know that I want to see where this is going. I want to see what it would be like to have you as a boyfriend. I want to have you hold my hand and kiss me in that way that makes me dizzy and breathless. I want to feel your arms around me, and your hands on me.

Come home with me. I would like to continue what we started yesterday and see where this is going to take us.

~K