All That Drama - 2. Chapter 2

September

The next semester came quickly and with it football practice and games. I could not believe how much harder the college worked, but I loved it. I finally found a group of guys that challenged me physically on the field and I think I rose to that challenge. At least I was not killed in the first practice. Steven was hating life and loving it. As a running back he was not brawny. He could take a hit better than most guys and he was fast on his feet. I made a huge mistake at the beginning of the semester. I did not dump the Crowd like I should have. Unfortunately I fell into a lot of old habits and I didn't see it until halfway through. Meg had matriculated to Chico State on an arts scholarship and without her as my excuse I could not get away from them. I missed her a lot as a friend and wondered what I would do now. It was not like I could just drop class and drive the hour and a half to her dorm in Chico just to get away from the stuff I did not want to be around. I had not moved into the dorms this semester as I would have liked, but someone else had gotten it literally minutes before me.

Our first official day on campus we had lunch together I saw something I had not seen in the summer months: cliques. The jocks ate in one corner, that was where I sat, the nerds ate in the center of the room so as to keep all escape lanes open for optimal fleeing, the emo/Gothic group, which included Jason, were lined up along the raised stage and on the stage were the arts kids, where Hector and Sarah sat. The exchange students sat closest to the door and closest to the food were everyone else including the fat kids. God it was high school all over again! I knew this would be no different than what I left this behind me last spring.

I had a good view of the stage and the friends I had made that summer but they did not even glance my way so I could give them the barest of nods in greeting. It hurt, but then me sitting here probably did not make them feel any better. I was sitting with people all of us despised but I was almost trapped by habit and training. Loyalty was one thing I always believed and they had been my chums for two years. “Good soldiers do not desert their brother is arms,” had been drilled into my skull for eight long years and I believed it was a good idea...to a point. If those same comrades were fucking up royally then you should either separate yourself from the pack or deal with it within the platoon. I could not deal with it the way it should be dealt with, and I knew I had to get out before I fell with them, but I couldn't. I knew I had to grow a pair and get out before it was too late. “Hey guys I'll catch you later.” I got up and went to go buy my last minute materials from the student store.

“Still hanging with them?” I nodded without looking at Hector. “I guess this is no different than high school then.” There was a lot of disappointment in his voice and as he walked away I looked at him. For a minute I could have sworn it was a woman. I know Hector was a guy, but he had this air about him that screamed girlie. He had long hair, but not women's hair, a man's voice but it was lilting like I have heard in so many altos. No it was his body and how it moved. He seemed to have more hips than most guys or maybe it was the fact that he was so slender. It was almost an hourglass figure and those hips seemed to sway as he walked. I had to shake my head to stop from staring. How had I never noticed? In my defense I never looked at him long enough to really see how he walked. I took my change and left the store. I was going to class when I ran across a very familiar scene, only there were two new faces. The Crowd had caught up to Hector, but Sarah and Jason were there. It was six to three and I knew it would just be words and Steven was not one for a verbal battle.

“Aw, if it isn't the sissy boy, Moby Bitch and the 'horn' blower.” I rolled my eyes. He was off his game if he could only come up with something so lame as that.

“That gets me right here, jerk off.” Jason grabbed his crotch. “Why don't you and your butt buddies go back to kindergarten so you can have a battle of wits with equal opponents.” I was grinning as I came up behind the Crowd. I laid a hand on Seth's shoulder.

“He does not mean you,” I whispered in his ear. Seth was touchy about his intellect. It was the only time I had seen him go ballistic on anyone was when they called him stupid. He looked back at me with a smile and nodded. “Just listen to their words and find what you can in them.”

“Butt buddies? Huh. You would know all about taking it in the ass. How is the bruising anyway? Put a dampener on your sex life?” The Crowd laughed and I had to grin at how stupid it sounded, but then I knew that Jason was the dominant in his relations and very rarely took it.

“I'm sure you only want to know because your lovers in the Pet Cemetery are tired of such a dead fuck. Looking for something that may take pity on you?” Looks like Hector had told him the story of the dead dog fucking. Nice. The back of Steven's neck was getting red. He would reach critical mass in a few seconds.

“I don't even think a light switch would be turned on by you.” Sarah sneered at him. “I would never be desperate enough to sleep with you and I'm the defensive line of the football team.” Her making fun of herself was a way for her to take back the power of the words so they would not hurt her.

I was waiting for them and whispered into Seth's ear, “See? She has used her own weight as a weapon against him.” He nodded as if he understood. He may have, only time would tell. It was time to stop this. “C'mon, guys, I see the campus police coming this way.” I put my long arms out and herded them all in another direction, looking over my shoulder and mouthing an apology. Jason nodded with a sort of hurt look in his eyes. Sarah just shook her head, but Hector's face was unreadable.

“Why are you stopping us from getting at them? You turning on us?”

“Shut up Steven. They were tearing you apart with words and then you would have started with your hands. Two gay guys and a girl would land your stupid ass in prison.” I marched off in another direction and dragged Seth with me. “We have Math, Seth. It's this way.” He was like a child compared to me. I towered over him by at least a foot and really outweighed him.

“You can let me go.” I let go and put my arm around his shoulders. “You did not do it for Steven did you?”

“No. I'm actually tired of listening to it all and I'm trying to lead by example that all this bullshit is just that. I mean we're adults now why can't we act like it.” He nodded. “You ready for algebra?” It was the one thing he excelled at. He seemed to be an idiot savant only good in math. Not even the basic math. No, give him kitchen arithmetic and 2+2=5. Give him “If A=2 and B=2, what is A+B,” and he would get it faster than anyone else. He understood variables. His room was plastered wall to wall with put together jigsaw puzzles. There was one that I would never have been able to do. It was solid white, no picture to guide. He said it took him all weekend.

“Yeah. I get algebra.” He smiled. I ruffled his hair and sat in one of the seats. Seth was like a little brother to me even though he was a few months older than me. I wanted to take him with me when I split from the Crowd. I just did not know how I would do both.

In late September I was sitting in one of the gazebos on campus studying my Soc Sci on a clear, sunny day. I was honestly here to think away from the hustle and bustle of the crowded campus. My mind would not let me concentrate on anything other than getting rid of the Crowd and it was affecting my school work. My average had dropped to a B and that was not acceptable by my standards, but lately I could not do the work. Too many distractions. “Hey, Justice.” Like now. I looked up to see Hector coming over with his hands in his pockets. There was that sway in his hips, a rolling that almost said he was on the cat walk runway of a GQ For Women fashion show. I must admit he did like good in that dress casual button up and khakis.

“Hey Hector.” I was not really in the mood for conversation. “What brings you out here to the cuts?”

“Actually, I was going to meet a friend here, but he will flip if he sees anyone else. He's still very...”

“Unsure of his sexuality and needs time to acclimatize to the new life style.”

He laughed and nodded. “That's a nice way of saying he's in the closet, but it works.” I chuckled and set about packing my things. “Where are you going?”

“Giving you some privacy. I could not concentrate on studying anyway.”

“Thanks, Justice. I was worried about you when you were back with the Crowd.”

“I see no easy way to get away from them. I'm apologizing in advance for being an idiot. I would say one more thing, but you asked me not to say it.”

“When?”

“Almost a year and a half ago.” He looked curious to what I meant, but I heard footsteps coming up the gravel path. I shouldered my bag and gave him a smile as I walked away. I walked past someone without really seeing who it was.

“Sup, Justice.” I nodded my greeting but kept walking. Then it filtered through my brain I knew that voice. I turned and saw Matt from the high school baseball team. Then, as I was about to return the greeting, I saw him wrap his arms around Hector's slender waist and my jaw dropped. “Sup, cutie,” he cooed at Hector who smiled broadly. I turned and walked away before I said or did anything that would have been cruel, shoving my fist into my mouth to stop from laughing. Matt was gay! Ha! Then he had been checking out my ass in PE!

It was then that I slipped. I ran into Steven and he saw the laughter in my eyes. “What's so funny?”

“I just found out one of our old classmates was gay. Saw him snogging with H...the sissy boy.” Not really, but it sounded better than he just was cuddling with him.

“Where?” He wanted to go see for himself, but I came to my senses.

“Why, so you can go be an idiot and harass them? No, I won't let you be a jerk to them.”

“Like you could stop me.” I could, but he did not know that. I could do a lot of things to him but I was trying to do things peacefully. “C'mon, let's go find them,” he said to the Crowd and they went off on a hunt. I tried to stop Seth, but he was too busy following to see my gestures.

I pulled out my cellphone and dialed Hector's. He had given it to me once upon a time that summer in case I needed to talk to Meg and she did not have a phone. “Hello?”

“Tell Matt to scram, the Crowd is coming your way.”

“You didn't...” I heard him tell Matt something.

“Almost. I didn't say names, but they're looking for you and him right now. I'm sorry.”

“I know. You did call. He's gone.” He hung up and I shook my head. I had screwed up bad, but I had fixed it I hoped.

I saw Matt slow to a walk coming from the other direction. He saw me and paled. I motioned him over. “You were here the entire time and we were catching up on old times.” He blinked a few times and nodded. “I am so sorry about this. I... God I wanted to ignore this, and wow by the way, and the first thing I do is tell the worst person in the world.” I felt like shit and I know I was radiating misery.

“Hey, dude, calm down. You, uh, you're not going to call me names too, are you?” He seemed so scared then that I knew why Hector had asked me to vamoose. Matt was very scared to come out of the closet, so worried he would be the target of the same thing that happened to Hector.

“No, I'm doing my best to stop all that. So what if you...wow.” I still could not wrap my mind around it. “Wow. So, how was your summer?” I had to change the subject and it was in the middle of his recalling that the Crowd returned.

“No luck. Guess the punk fucker ran off after he fucked the sissy boy.” I shook my head and saw Matt getting upset. “Hey, Slugger.” Steven gave him a rough guy hug and I grinned. Steven had just hugged a gay guy and did not even know it. I think Matt knew what was going on in my head and smiled.

“Sup. I gotta go to the Libe. I'll see you guys when I see you.” He sauntered off and I sighed in relief. I was that close to being who I had been. I hated it, but I had to really think to not slip up.

Twice more I had seen Hector and Matt in an intimate moment, but I had never seen them kiss. Funny that my mind fixated on that. I could tell Matt wanted to with the way he was only a few centimeters away from doing it, but something stopped him. I could see Hector was happy with him and I saw something in his eyes that I found...attractive. Some ephemeral glow that made him look almost beautiful. Eerie to see this side of him, but I was glad I had. He deserved someone to love him. I would not mind finding someone like him.

Did that thought come from me? Did I actually think that I wanted someone like him? I walked away as fast as I could and made sure no one was around before I sagged against the building. Holy shit! Did I want some one like him? Yes. Did I want a nice person or someone “like” him? Was I turning gay? God I hope not. If being a nervous wreck was what I would become, being afraid of what the next person would say and do, scared of my own shadow and skulking around to see my...boyfriend, then I wanted no part of it! I shuddered and felt butterflies fill my stomach.

I made a decision I still regret to this day. I pulled out my phone and dialed a number I had not in almost half a year. “Hello?” came the sexy voice I remembered.

“Hey Torri, it's Justice.” I could almost see the sultry smile spread across her lips because the only reason I ever called was for sex. “You busy tonight?” I hated myself for saying those words because I knew the answer. She would be wherever I said with bells on even if she had a boyfriend. I hung up when I got my answer and looked at my watch. I had Soc Sci in twenty minutes and I did not feel like going. I marched my unhappy ass over to the weight room and changed into my shorts. I would not be thinking about sex, or being gay, when I was too tired to lift my arms.

The next few nights I spent with Torri proving to myself I was not gay. All I proved was that women were just for sex to me, at least Torri was. I missed Meg, the closest girl friend I had ever had. She was not for sex. I knew I did not love her like that, but I did care for her. Yet I was too full of myself and how Torri made me feel like a man that I did not want to admit the thoughts I had even to Meg. My mind had been wandering when I felt someone put their hand on my shoulder. I reacted without thinking and grabbed the person's wrist and threw them. When I saw Seth flying, yet again, like a rag doll I ran over. “Jeez Seth, how many times do I have to tell you not to sneak up on me?”

“A lot. I was calling your name but you didn't hear me.” I helped him up and looked him over for injury. He never had anything bigger than a scrape or bruise. He was a tough little guy for which I was eternally grateful. “Sorry.”

“My fault. What's so important that you risk getting thrown?”

“Well, Steven says we're all going to the lake one last time before it gets too cold. You coming? Torri will be there.” I nodded.

“Sure, I'll be there.” He smiled and wandered off. Miss seeing Torri in a bikini? Not likely. Although I wondered at why I had agreed. I really did not feel like going to the lake no matter who was there, but I had gotten use to being with Torri again. Plus there, with Torri in my lap, I would not be thinking about Hector.

It was after school that evening that we went and they had brought the grill for hot dogs and hamburgers. I noticed no one had brought swimming trunks since most of us came directly from the college. As soon as I joined them I was given a beer and Torri claimed my lap as her own personal seat. “Hey Stud.” She went for a kiss and I popped the tab on my beer and took a swig before she could get close enough. I don't drink more than maybe one beer at a time and I think the most I had ever drunk in one year was six. “No kiss?”

“No, no kiss.” She pouted but I bounced her once which made my stiffening dick make her think of something else. She gasped and then snuggled closer. I grinned at her and then Steven when he laughed.

“Glad to see you're back, bro. We thought you had been abducted by aliens or turned queer on us.” I gave him a measured look that wiped the grin off his face.

“Him? Gay?” Torri laughed at that. “Then this gay man knows how you eat pussy really good. He's spent the past five nights doing just that.” I grinned again and chugged the beer. The guys clapped and then hooted when she wiggled her round ass against my crotch. When I had drained the beer I picked Torri up and carried her kicking and screaming for the lake. “Stop! At least let me take my clothes off first.” I laughed as I set her down and she began a strip tease that had all of them salivating. I had seen it many times, but it was still sexy. I slipped out of my shirt and dumped it and the items in my pockets in my chair before I was ready, but then I had to wait for her. Once she was down to just her panties I scooped her up again and ran with her into the water. It was still warm from the summer but she gasped like it was freezing cold. I slid my fingers into the band of her panties and went under water where they and my shorts came off.

When I came up for air I waved the clothes at the people on the shore and then threw them onto one of the logs they used to tie up kayaks or canoes to. When I pulled her to me and slid it in she groaned and dug her nails into my shoulders, all the while our cheerleaders were coming up with some pretty ludicrous positions for us to do. Some of them were anatomically impossible. Had I not been fucking her for the past week I would have busted one when I first put it in her, but I lasted close to twenty minutes in various positions. I was nowhere near done and she knew that, but we had to eat and not let the night get over too fast. She just left the water and sat in a chair naked and the guys who had never seen her nude were getting hard. I could tell because they were almost drooling. I pulled on my shorts and came out to plop into my chair. Steven held up two cans. One was a beer and the other a Pepsi. I nodded to the beer. The grin that split his face was gigantic and he tossed it to me. “Hey, look who's coming down the walk?” Kyle said with a smirk and a sneer.

I shook my head, knowing exactly who was coming. The poor guy just had the worst luck in choosing his hang outs, but then the area is that small. There was not much of a chance to get away from the people you hated. I looked up to see Hector who had stopped and I could see Sarah, Jason and Matt behind him. This would get ugly very fast. I could tell that Jason and Sarah knew that Hector and Matt were dating. “You hanging out with queers now, Matt?

“Hey, it happens.”

“You dating one of them?” Kyle asked dully.

“Actually, toad, he's dating me,” said Sarah. I looked at Hector who was watching me. His head nodded ever so slightly and I could tell they had set up the cover story before then and while he would rather have Matt be comfortable with who he was he knew it took time. I nodded back ever so slightly. I could go with this.

“Gross! You porking the porker?”

“Hey, Kyle, don't knock it till you try it.” He put his arm around her waist and far as he could and she snuggled under his arm. Hector's eyes clouded over a bit and I knew he was trying not to say anything that would jeopardize the story. It hurt to see him like this. I chose my words carefully.

“Why don't the four of you just leave,” I said as evenly as I could. “That way you can still have a good night where you won't get laughed at or teased or insulted.” I was trying to send a message without seeming to. “Go on, go to another part of the lake where we can't see you and have fun...away from here.” I hoped I had succeeded.

Nope. Sarah got that I'm going to sit on you look, Jason looked betrayed, Matt was just shocked and Hector... Hector just shook his head like he knew the summer was too good to be true. No one had gotten the message. They did get the hint and leave though which saved all of us a lot of yelling and hurt feelings. I just drained that beer and leaned back in my chair to try and get the sight of Hector and Jason looking betrayed out of my mind. It did not work. Neither did having four more beers and getting so shit faced drunk that I could not see straight. Seth had to drive me home and crashed in one of the guest rooms. I had the entire weekend to try and forget the looks, but all I did was dwell on them. When I woke up I was so hung over that I wanted to do nothing but wallow in my bed, but Seth, bless him, did not let me. “You okay? I've never seen you drink so much.”

“You would not understand, and it's not because you're stupid, so get that thought out of your head.” He smiled sheepishly. I knew him very well and he knew me better than the rest of the Crowd did. “Was I mean to them last night? Hector and the rest?”

“Well, telling them to go away was kinda mean, but the way you said it? I thought you were trying to get the to leave to stop the name calling.” There was something churning behind those eyes, some spark of intelligence that was filing away something I could not begin to see.

I barked a laugh which hurt my head. “At least you saw it.” I groaned and trudged off to take a shower. Nigel would take care of Seth until I got out.

That Monday I saw the four of them in one of the gazebos studying and was going over to apologize, but they packed up their things and left. I saw Hector look back with such pain in his eyes and so much anger that I felt it like a knife to my gut. I staggered and caught myself on the railings around the gazebo. They hated me. Again. Probably more. And it hurt. It hurt a lot that they were so pissed and sad that I had done something that had been taken wrong. God it hurt. Matt and I had been cool, Jason and I had been really cool and I was mending things with the other two. Now they all hated me. I just left school and drove home.

Three weeks went by and I had not left the house. Hell I think I had only showered once during that time too. Nigel had left me alone after the first week, his attempts to cheer me up had failed and his others to guilt me into taking care of myself had been useless. I was almost calling it quits for school had Nigel not called me in sick and had my work sent over. I would sit there and stare out the window all day and not move from the moment I woke to the time I went to sleep. Several times I fell asleep there in the window and woke up in bed. It was one of those days I was sitting there that my door opened. “God you look like shit.” I probably did. I had not shaved at all and my hair was unwashed and scraggly. I think I was still wearing the pants I had worn the day I stopped going to school, but I could not remember.

I turned my head. At first I failed to recognize who it was. I was so tired, so emotionally dead that I could not process information. Then I blinked a few times as Meg strode into the room. “Meg?” I croaked out. I tried to get up but my legs were weak from sitting so long. She helped me over to the bed and sat beside me. “What are you doing here?”

“Honestly, saving your life. How long have you been in here?”

“Um, almost a month?” I guessed.

“Close. Hector called and said he had not seen you at school for twenty-two days. He said he thought something bad had happened. When I asked him why he told me about the lake.” I hiccuped and it turned into a sob. I was not going to cry in front of Meg.

Yeah I was. She held me and patted my back while I cried like a baby. It just hurt too much to remember the misery in their eyes. There was no holding it in now, no holding back the tears that I held at bay for a month. “Tell me your side.” So I did, through the sobs I told her everything that had been said and done since she had went to Chico. Every detail I could remember, every nuance my mind had cataloged like it was the only important thing in my life. Then I told her what happened at the lake. “What did you say exactly?”

“Why don't the four of you just leave. That way you can still have a good night where you won't get laughed at or teased or insulted. Go on, go to another part of the lake where we can't see you and have fun...away from here.”

“Are you sure?” I nodded. “This is bad. For you more than them. I am going to knock some sense into Hec and Jas and bitch out Sarah for being so fucking hard headed to not hear the words you chose. Then I am going to come back here and get you cleaned up. Tomorrow is midterms. Have you studied?” I shook my head. “Why did you even get this upset?” I could not say it. I could not tell her. “Please? Do I need to have your first born again?” I chuckled weakly.

“This goes no further than this room. I mean it.” She nodded. “I...I think I may be gay.” Her eyes got huge as a full moon. “I don't know, but when I saw Matt and Hector together I wanted so much to be part of that, to feel that. I don't know if it was their closeness or maybe just Hector, but I wanted it. Then I had to prove I was not gay to myself and fucked Torri again for almost a whole week and it still did not make the fact that I want so much to be in Hector's life go away. Then the lake...Meg the pain in his eyes. I hurt him so bad that I don't think this can be fixed.”

“Anything short of death can be fixed. That will have to wait, though. Go shower and shave and by God change into some clean clothes. Then we are going out to eat and then back here so you can do your homework and study for midterms.” I sobbed out a laugh and nodded.

“I love you Meg. You are the best gal friend I have ever had.” She smiled and kissed my hairy cheek and left the room.

I heard Nigel say “I should have called you weeks ago, madame.” She laughed and I smiled. She was exactly what I needed to get back up, but not what I needed to stay up. I needed Hector to be my friend, to like me and smile at me. To not be hurt any more. He did not deserve the pain. I knew that now. I may not be gay, but I was miserable without him.

True to her word she took me out for a nice dinner that she paid for against my protests. “It's just a dinner. It's not going to break me rich boy.”

“Uh huh. At ten bucks per head this is pretty expensive.”

“Sure, but you need to put some meat back on them bones.” I had lost weight and muscle. “So here is the plan. I am going to call Hector and chew him out. He will pass on the message to the rest. You will ignore them like they do not exist.” I looked up from my never ending pasta bowl with that deer in the headlights look and she smiled. “I know, it will be hard, but once they see how torn up you are about this and how shitty you look...maybe we should have kept the beard. Never grow facial hair, J. It did not suit you.” We planned out my silent revenge that she knew would drive Hector crazy.

“Do you think I am?”

“Honestly?” I nodded. I needed to hear it from someone else. “Yeah.” I felt sick. “It's not a bad thing, J. You aren't going to get bashed or anything. I mean look at you. Tall, muscular, can probably kick Steven's ass ten ways to Sunday.” I nodded. I knew I could. “And if that dick pulls his head out of his ass and sees you for who you are and not who you were then he will stand beside you through thick and thin and love you like I do if not more.”

“From you I believe those words.” I kissed her cheek. I loved her as much as I could love a woman because she was right. Her saying it convinced me I wanted Hector. It just clicked into my brain and echoed in my heart.

“I won't tell that creep anything about your revelation. Now eat up and we'll go back and I will coach you all night if I have to. My midterms are next week.”

She had called Hector and put him on speaker phone in my room. “Hello?”

“You idiot! Do you realize how close J came to slitting his wrists because of the four of you?” I had a pillow nearby to cover my face if I needed to laugh.

“Huh?” He sounded so shocked.

“Yeah. Did it ever occur to you that over the last months he's been changing? He's been trying so hard to make amends for what he has done that he's been damn near celibate, he's been trying to get up the nerve to hang out with you and Sarah. Remember the time we were in his room? He had not wanted to intrude to make you and Sarah uncomfortable. Does that sound like the old him?”

“No. But...”

“And did you even hear the things he's been saying to you? He told me about how he fucked up when he found out about Matt and how he warned you as fast as he could. Does that sound like the old him?” She was on a roll and loving it. I was smiling but I wanted it to stop because he was getting an earful of the truth but selected truths.

“No, but...” he tried to get a word in edgewise but she just spoke over him.

“Then he told me how he's been trying to end the feuding before it gets out of hand. His whole campus police lie to get them away from you. You, Hec, not Sarah, although he wants to make amends with her too. You are the one he's been trying his subtle best to steer Steven away from. He can't fight all six of the Crowd but he can manipulate the leader into and out of things. Does that sound like the old him?” Actually it was the old me with a new purpose. I had always been good at using my brain to keep Steven out of the worst situations except for that one time.

“Not really, but...”

“Then the lake. Do you remember his words? His exact words?”

“Something about going away and out of their sight. Why?”

“Because his exact words, and I quote, were 'Why don't the four of you just leave. That way you can still have a good night where you won't get laughed at or teased or insulted. Go on, go to another part of the lake where we can't see you and have fun...away from here,' end quote. Does that sound right to you?”

“Yeah.” Even his voice sounded like all of this was dawning on him and that he had royally fucked up.

“Think about those words. What ones did you find offensive? Leave? Teased? Go away? I would think you, a word game lover, would pick apart his words the instant he said them. Shut up and take a minute to think about the words he used. I will wait.” She hit the mute button. “He's so hating himself right now.”

“I know and I really feel bad. Remind me to never get you mad. You are an evil bitch.” She hugged me.

“That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all semester.” Then she unmuted it. “Well?”

“I am going to need to invest in knee pads. I have some serious groveling to do. He told us to leave or it could get ugly. He said he wanted us to have a good night and knew if we stayed it would not turn out that way. I'm an idiot. Was he really that bad?” He sounded so filled with remorse that I wanted to tell him I forgave him, but it was not part of the plan.

“Had not shaved in three weeks, smelled like he had not showered, was wearing the same pants he had been wearing the day you asses turned your backs on him when he was coming to apologize. He's lost weight from not eating and muscle from not moving from the window where I found him gazing out like a whipped dog waiting for someone to pet him so he could feel loved again. He opened up to you to do his best to be a better person and I know you saw that. Hell, he kept Matt's secret until he told me what happened, but I already knew so he is still keeping it. What did you four do to him? Only destroyed all his hard work.

“He went and got so shit faced drunk that he fucked that whore Torri.” I wanted to defend her, but she was a raging slut. Hector made a disgusted sound. “I know. It was the first time he had had sex since a week before graduation.”

“Didn't you...”

“Oh god no! We said that to make his friends think he was just doing the Story to get into my pants. Yucko! He's like a brother to me.” I smiled and blew her a kiss which she ate. “He got so drunk he fell back into the one thing that ever made him feel somewhat good. He's never had more than one beer at a time and maybe six a year. He drank six that night.”

“Oh god. I thought he was going back to being a dick. Meg, what am I going to do? He probably won't even talk to me. Hell I haven't seen him in three weeks.”

“Well duh. He's going to be there for midterms tomorrow. I want you to get a good look at what you four caused. You won't even know him.” I think she was enjoying herself. It was rare that Hector caused hurt to anyone that she never had to do this to him. For him probably but not to him. “Leave him alone for the rest of the week then try and talk to him. Alone if possible. Or send Jas. He owes J a big one for the save. A little understanding of his position won't cut it, but it would be a start. Can you handle that or do I need to break out the hand puppets?” Nice, I thought.

“I think you're right. Should each of us try?”

“Yeah, that might be good. Now I have to go and help him catch up on his school work that he missed because he was so torn up. Remember you four, but especially you, Hec, did this to him. When you see him...it's scary.” She hung up without a goodbye and I gave her a big hug. “It should work. By now he is feeling so bad that he is already dialing Sarah and then Jas and last Matt. Who will you forgive first?”

“Probably Matt since I've known him the longest and we used to be pretty cool. Then Jason. Then Sarah.”

“Why save Hec for last?”

“Because I still need to work out how I feel about him. Right now, if he were to walk through those doors and beg me to forgive him I would because I miss him so much.” She nodded and we got down to some serious studying.

I had stayed up until two with her helping me doing my work and studying for these tests that I would sooner have ignored. It was actually easy to study with her because she knew how my brain worked somehow and could tell what methods to use to get the info in and have it stay. When I got to the college I was almost swamped with the guys on the team asking how I was. “How do I look?” I was wearing the grungiest clothes I could find and had not even combed my hair after my shower that morning so I looked particularly ragged. Ripped jeans, old t-shirt and my work boots.

“Like shit. Will you still be playing?” asked Kai, my center. Big, brawny, built like a brick house.

“After this weekend yeah. Doc says I should be well enough to play a quarter or two.” He gave me a thump on my back and went off for his own midterms with the rest of the guys. They were satisfied that I would live and play again, all they cared about.

As I walked across the quad I saw them before they saw me. I knew they had sat at that bench to get a look at me. I schooled my features and walked close enough to them that they would see my state but far enough that it was obvious I was avoiding them and trying not to look like I was. I saw Sarah out of the corner of my eye. Her hand flew to her mouth in shock and she shook her head in denial. Matt's jaw hung open and Jason I think was starting to tear up. Hector...he went so pale that I thought he was going to faint. It was hard to simply walk by like I was not aware of them. More like trudge by because I was still tired from the all night studying and the inactivity. They did not say a word that I could hear and I felt their eyes follow me until I rounded the corner of the library.

I somehow made it though my day and tests without running into the Crowd although I did see a lot of Hector or the others in passing. Each time they saw me they would hang their head. It was very hard to do this to them, but Meg had been right. They needed to see how much it hurt me, for them to realize they could be just as bad as I had been. Petty, yes, but maybe necessary. When I got into my car and drove off all four of them were standing by the bike racks and watching me go. I swerved a bit to add a little twist and I saw Sarah gasp.

Come Monday I felt and looked a lot better physically, but I was still torn up inside. I was sitting in the bench area next to a waterfall garden and relaxing having passed every final with a minimum of 92%. Even history! I had sent Meg a dozen white roses and a card for thanks. The water masked the sound of the footsteps, but I saw the shadow and could tell it was Jason. “Can I talk to you, Justice?”

I acted at first like he was not there, but after a moment nodded. “What is it?” I could have sworn either Ben Stein or Fox Moulder had said that it was so lifeless.

“I am so sorry about the way I have been treating you. I've been rotten to you and you were nothing but nice to me. Saving me from those guys and then trying to keep them from getting at us again. I wish I could take it all back, but I can't.” His voice was so thick with emotion that I could have been blind and known his face was so full of guilt and sorrow that he would have worry lines that had not been there before.

“No, you can't, but I can forgive. It takes a lot to come to someone and admit you were wrong.” I looked up at him with a small smile. “Thanks.”

He smiled. Those lines vanished with that smile. “So we're cool again?” I nodded and got up to give him a guy hug. “Cool. Man, I thought you'd moved or something and then Meg told Hector what happened. I feel really shitty.”

“It's in the past, leave it there. So how did your midterms go?” We talked for close to a half an hour until he had to go shopping for the coming Thanksgiving. With the two of us cool again I felt better. I would not feel whole until all of us were friends, but better.

I actually caught Matt in the weight room that afternoon. I could totally see what Hector saw in him. He was a cool dude and I could now admit good looking. Lean and cut, he was a dynamite baseball player. I needed to get my strength back up so I chose the machine farthest from him even though the place was mostly deserted since only the jocks used it after mids. I had lost a lot of my size but not my core strength so I did not really need to work out except to get back the bit I had lost. I was doing more than I really should have and without a spotter on purpose. And it worked, Matt came over as I moved to the bench and stood there without saying anything and spotted me.

After three sets he spoke. “Sup, Justice. We're chums, right?”

“Use to be,” I grunted out. I pushed up on the two hundred fifty-five pounds and let it down slowly.

“You kept that from everybody when anyone else would have blabbed all over campus. Hell the old you would'a blabbed it.”

“True.” Matt was having a hard time saying what he felt. It was kinda cute.

“You've changed a lot and I guess none of us expected it would last. But since grad night you really have changed and... And you did not deserve what we did.” He said that last part in a rush. “We...I was wrong. I never should'a turned away when I knew you were coming to say sorry. I know you well enough to know that was what you were doing. So I'm saying it. I'm sorry for doing it.” I let it hang there while I finished my sets.

My last one I stood and toweled off and looked at him. With a grinning smirk I pulled him into a hug. “Thanks, bro. It sucked that it happened, but that was then. Clean start.” He was grinning as he pulled away.

He leaned closer. “You just hugged a gay man.” No one heard him.

“And? Cooties can't hurt me.” We went and showered and yakked it up like we were back in high school, only this time I knew he checked out my ass when I was drying off. It was not at all uncomfortable either which was very cool. When we walked out to the cars I whispered, “So, where do I rate on your scale?”

He barked a laugh. “God you have changed. This new you? Eight point five. Too much muscle.” I laughed and nodded. I could live with that. “Your ass though, ten.”

“I knew you were checking it out too. Did it in high school.” He turned a bit red and I ruffled his hair. “I'll see you around, Slugger. Don't do anyone I wouldn't do. Wait, you already do that.” He flipped me off and as I drove away I actually felt closer to him now. Two down and two to go, the hardest two. I knew what I had planned for Sarah and hopefully she would respect it, but Hector? I had no clue how I would react to him if he did apologize. I knew I would be even worse if he did nothing, if he just ignored me.

When I got home I found a big surprise. Well not too big, I had seen bigger, but Sarah was a surprise. She sat there on the doorstep looking like a fluffy puppy waiting for her master to come home. I shut the car off and looked at her for a moment before getting out. When I did get out, she rose and dusted off her bottom. I did not say a word as I unlocked the door and went in. I looked back. “Are you coming in?” I asked with as little inflection as I could, like I could not care less if she stayed out there all night. She stepped in and I handed Nigel my coat with a nod. He was in on the possibility that one of them would show up here and how I would act to him around them. “That will be all for now, Nigel.” My tone was all business and a bit frosty, nothing like I was used to using with him.

“Very good sir.” He turned and left as I made my way into through the living room and into the study where the Senator conducted business.

As Sarah entered the room I motioned to the chair on the other side of the chair I sat in. There was a huge desk in between us and she did not miss its symbolism. I leaned back with my hands in my lap and just looked at her. When the silence got too big to stay that way and she was squirming I shook my head. “What do you want Sarah?”

“You know, I may not want anything. I came here to apologize for being crappy to you, but if you're going to act like this I am just going to leave.” I laughed. “What's so funny?” She was getting angry.

“The look on your face. Totally worth it. Sarah, I have every intention of forgiving you, but I could not help making you sweat a bit. I did the same to Matt and Jason today, but they were so worried about offending me that they did not say a word. I knew you would though, so I waited until it would come out.”

“You are a real bastard, Justice Anderson.” I nodded, still smiling. “I guess I deserved that for not letting you explain. I am sorry. You have been so nice this year that when I saw you hanging out with them again I was kinda mad. Then it seemed like you were just trying to get rid of us at the lake but not for the reasons we thought.” I nodded. “I just hope we can start fresh.”

“I would love that, but I don't know if we can until you have forgiven me for all the hell I put you through the last two years. Until you do that there will always be a chasm between us that I can only bridge half way.” She nodded. “So how about we call it acquaintances until I have earned your forgiveness, and then if you still want me as one I will be glad to be your friend.” I smiled a different smile. “Hell you and Hector are the reason I'm changing. I hated seeing what I was doing to you and what I allowed to happen to Hector. It was a wake up call getting slammed in the head with a crowbar. It's just taken me this long to do something about it. Please do not tell Hector, he has enough problems without him knowing he was the reason I was trying so damn hard to be a better person.”

“You like him.” I looked down but nodded. No use in denying it when her best friends were all gay. “Oh, Justice this must have really been hard on you. Am I the first person you told?” I shook my head. “Meg. She would help you with this. Well, I won't tell. It would make him feel worse.” She got up and came around the desk and gave me a hug. “Thank you for telling me, though. It takes a lot of guts to do it.”

“I haven't done it yet. It's like, if I don't say it to Hector then it's not real. I try so hard to be cool that my image has become me. Steven and the Crowd would go ape shit and I do not want a repeat performance.” She smiled as she went back to her chair.

“He would and I do not blame you for hiding it. Matt is almost ready to tell people and if you two patched things up then it could help the both of you.”

I chuckled a bit. “I actually showered with him today and I was totally cool with it. I knew he was checking me out and it was nothing.”

“Last year you would have flipped out.” I nodded. “Does he know this?” I smiled and told her the part after the shower which she found hilarious. “What a month, huh. Well, I won't keep you.” I led her out and bid her a good night. If she forgave me then I could see us being very good friends. Three down and the worst one to go. I actually felt a little bit lighter now that Sarah knew. With Meg I was sure I would not get laughed at, but Sarah had no problems turning the tables on someone who should get an earful. Now I had Hector's two favorite women to help me break the news to him...if I ever could.

Now I had one last confrontation that needed to be had. It would be a big step and a necessary one if I was to break away from the Crowd. It happened the next day I found the Crowd in the cafeteria and walked over. I was wearing my combat boots, which I only wore for just that, my jeans and an A shirt, the so called wife beater shirt. Steven saw what I was wearing and his face turned serious. “What's up, bro?”

“All of you grab your stuff and come with me.” They did without question. I meant business and they knew it by the way they almost jumped to follow. I led them out the the long distance track that wound through the countryside around the campus, past the farms where the FFA and Ag students worked. No one would be here right now, it was mostly a dead week at the school. I stopped and turned on them.

“What's up bro?” Steven asked again.

“Where the fuck have you guys been, huh?” They looked so stupefied at my tone that no one could answer. “I have been sick for the past fucking month and none of you came by to check on me. Not a one!” I locked eyes with each in turn and they all dropped them. “Did it escape your notice that I got so shit faced that Seth drove me home?” Only Seth shook his head no. “Then, to top it all off, while I had a hang over, I got sick. Where were my friends?”

“We had school...” Kyle said lamely.

“Meg came over to see me and she had school and a two hour commute to get here! She took time out of her busy schedule to visit and hell if she had not I would still be sick. I've known her for a few months. Where were the guys I've known for years? Hmm? Not checking on me to see if I was okay.” They all looked guilty. “Only one of you has a good enough excuse. Seth does not have a car and he lives an hour away from my house by car. He would walk it if he had to, but did it occur to any of you to just pop by after classes one day?” No it had not. “Some friends.”

“Justice, I'm sorry I could not come by.” My little brother was actually sorry. He was turning those puppy dogs on me and they were moist from feeling so bad. God how was that even humanly possible to mimic the pitiful gaze of a beaten basset hound?

“Seth, you are the only one I'm not mad at. You made sure I got home okay and crashed at my place to be sure I would be better in the morning.” He puffed out his chest proudly. “I'm still your guys' friend, but I'm done with it. No more bullshit, no more late night partying, no more fucking with people. I'll still kick it with you guys, but that's it. If any of you have a problem with it, bring it on.” I stepped back and brought up my fists. They all knew I could beat the tar out of any two at the same time so I was not surprised Steven was the only one who set down his bag and charged me. One punch stunned him and the other knocked him flat on his back. He looked up with a bloody lip. “You still wanna go?” He shook his head. “Good. Have a nice day.” I ruffled Seth's hair as I passed and left them gaping at what just happened.

It was Sarah who noticed I was not really hanging out with them that day and she noticed the small cut on my hand and Steven's fat lip. She came over while I was walking to the music wing. “Did you hit Steven?”

“Yeah. Told him I was done with the clique bullshit and said if he had a problem we could handle it.” She was grinning from ear to ear.

“Did it feel good?”

“Oh yeah.” Hector started to walk towards Sarah but stopped when he saw me. “I'll see you later, Sarah.” She wondered at the abruptness of my departure until Hector joined her.

“What did he want?” I heard him ask. I stopped just inside the arch that covered the door of the wing and eavesdropped.

“Actually I asked him if he was the cause of Dog Fucker's fat lip.”

“And is he?”

“With what I think was a strong right hook.” It was.

“Seriously? He decked Steven?” His tone suggested it was time for a new holiday.

“Yeah. You know you really should talk to him. The rest of us have and he's accepted our apologies. Heck, he's even more comfortable around Matt. They showered together and everything.”

“Matt told me they were friends again. I just don't know what to say to him. I mean, if what Meg says is true then what I did undid all his hard work.” He knew that he was the one, Meg had told him bluntly, so he carried more self-reproach than the rest.

“Maybe set it back, but no he's still trying to be a better person. Talk to him or I'll sit on you until you do.” I pictured that and could see Hector's eyes pop out and roll away. It was so funny I had to get into the wing before I lost it. There was one day left before Thanksgiving break and I wanted to play some trumpet. If he wanted to talk to me I was just inside. If not I could lose myself in the music for a bit.

I was lost in a solo of Ode to Joy when I heard a flute join me. I opened my eyes to see Hector was playing and then just closed them again. It was so beautiful playing music with him that I did not want it to end. I could imagine it was just the two of us off alone and we were content to just play songs. I could see it and feel it, but it was all just a dream. The song ended and I looked at him. “Justice I'm an idiot.” I gave him a level look. “I am. I have been such a jerk to you. I ignored all the hard work you've been doing in trying to be a better person. I'm sorry about everything.”

“It's okay. I understand that I put you through hell and you did not trust me.”

“Will you forgive me?” He looked at me with those soulful blue eyes that I felt my heart jump.

I wanted to say yes, but my traitorous mouth said, “I don't know. You still won't trust me, so I don't think I can forgive you any more than you can fully forgive me.” He looked hurt, wounded, but he knew I was telling the truth, so he just swallowed and nodded. “I think the best we can do for now was what we had a graduation. Not enemies and far from friends.”

“If that's what you want,” which meant it was not what he wanted.

Still I could not say what my heart wanted to say. “It is. That way neither of us will hurt the other.” I put up my trumpet and turned it in to Casey. I left Hector standing there with a confused look on his face. I could not do it. I could not say those words if he did not trust me. When I walked past Sarah she looked hopeful but her look smashed into bits when I shook my head. I marched all the way to the car which was almost a half a mile. No one got in my way, no one stopped me, and even Seth saw the look on my face and halted in his tracks. I drove home doing ninety miles per hour and slammed the front door which was a feat as it weighed more than I did. I went up to my room, slammed that door too, cranked up my radio full blast and fell into my bed and cried.