Family Snippets - 8. William's Birthday

It’s a father’s worst nightmare: forgetting a birthday.

I was horrified to discover that I’d done exactly that.

“Daddy, William’s sad because no one has given him any presents and today’s his birthday.”

I looked at Colin, puzzled. While it’s possible that there’s something that Janine hasn’t told me, I was sure that I only had two sons: Colin and Andrew. I quickly considered the animals. The horses had recently had their birthday, which they share with every other horse in the world, and I know the dog’s birthday is sometime in December. I can’t remember the cat’s, but his name is Mike, not William.

I quickly scanned the room, hoping to see a friend of Colin’s who was visiting, but the only person in sight was Andrew, who was busy building a runway for his latest plane. I made a mental note to send a thank you letter to whoever invented Lego.

“Well, we’ll just have to get him a present. What do you think he’ll like?”

“Anything,” Colin replied. “He just wants some presents.”

I went to the fridge and removed a fridge magnet in the shape of a lizard that we’d received from a fast food store at some time in the past.

“Would William like a pet lizard?” I asked.

That was when I got to see William. Colin pulled him out from behind his back and asked him.

“William says that’s not a toy, it’s for the fridge,” Colin announced pontifically. “He wants a toy for a present.”

I looked around. What does one give a two inch piece of plastic in the shape of a shark for a birthday present? I considered looking on the internet for suggestions, but somehow I doubted I’d find anything useful.

My eyes fell on a small figure on a skateboard – another fast food toy. The way I saw it, William could eat the rider, and then go use the skateboard to travel around the house. It’s not that I have anything against skateboarders, but in the total scheme of things they usually come second to birthday presents for plastic sharks. The thing in their favour is the fact that there aren’t too many plastic sharks that demand birthday presents.

“Here you are, William. Would you like a skateboard for your birthday?”

“He says yes, Daddy!” Colin informed me cheerfully, and headed off to play with his friend and the skateboard. I decided to keep my distance, so I could honestly answer, “Sorry, officer. I wasn’t there when the shark ate him. I didn’t see it happen,” if the need arose.

I returned to what I was doing, which was preparing dinner. I had decided on Fettuccine with a Meat Sauce. This was mainly because it was something I knew how to cook, and it was what I usually made on the weekends. It was quick and easy; the boys won’t eat it, but as the eternal optimist I had hopes that one day they would eat my cooking. Just in case, I also decided to make some Garlic Bread and cook some pasta shapes, as I knew the boys would eat those.

I had just put the chopped onion into the frying pan, when Colin returned.

“William’s allowed to have more than one present, Daddy. Can we get him something else, too?”

Thinking that it hadn’t been too hard to find him something the first time, I blissfully answered, “Sure,” and started to look around.

It only took a second before my gaze fell on a small feminine figurine that had come from a Kinder Surprise.

“Here you are, William. Someone to play with!”

“Thanks, Daddy.”

I returned to my cooking, happy that another parenting crisis had been averted. I was about to learn otherwise.

“William says she screams too much,” Colin politely informed me.

“Hmmm. How about this one?” I asked, putting a small monster figure in front of William.

“Too scary!”

Ah-ha! A challenge!

I wandered around the living room and my eyes fell on a small matchbox car.

“Would William like a new car?”

Colin put William on top of the car. There was a distinct size discrepancy.

“It’s too small,” Colin stated, his lower lip beginning to quiver.

“Well, we’ll just have to get him a bigger one,” I replied quickly, walking quickly, almost running, to the car box to find something of a more appropriate size. Grabbing what I thought would be a reasonable vehicle for a shark, if that was at all possible, I returned to the table where a despondent William was waiting.

Colin put William in the new car. It was a better size, but he still didn’t fit. Colin just peered up at me. From the look he gave me, I knew I only had minutes, possibly only seconds, before I’d have a major disaster on my hands.

A vehicle was clearly the wrong present to give to a plastic shark. I abandoned that line and flung my eyes desperately around the room. With a surge of hope, I saw what could be my salvation.

For Christmas, Colin had been given some special modelling clay, though it was like no clay I’d ever seen before. One thing about it was that after it dried it, it was bouncy. At some stage in the past someone, I suspected Andrew, had taken a cookie cutter and shaped some of the clay into a star. We didn’t discover this until it had dried out, so there was this blue rubbery star sitting on the windowsill.

“Here you are, William. A bed for you to lie on!”

I hope the boys didn’t notice the tone of desperation in my voice.

I turned away, mentally crossing my fingers, when the voice I was dreading was raised behind me.

“William says it’s too hard.”

I returned to the table and picked up the star.

“But you can bend it,” I pleaded, showing Colin and William how flexible the star was. “You can even squeeze it!”

They didn’t say anything; they didn’t have to. I knew defeat when I saw it.

I looked at the windowsill and saw something else that had been made from the modelling clay. This was my last chance. I picked it up and turned back to Colin and that damned shark.

“How about a new ball?” I asked hopefully.

Colin examined it critically. He gave it to William, who then kicked it across the table.

“William says this is the best present, ever!” Colin declared triumphantly, and then disappeared with William and the ball.

I gave a sigh of relief and returned to the kitchen. As the sounds of Andrew singing “Happy Birthday” to William echoed down the hallway, I made a note to myself to put a candle on a cupcake for after dinner. You can’t have a birthday without a cake.

Soon afterwards, Colin returned to the kitchen. I stopped stirring the chopped onion I was cooking and with terror in my heart, I turned to find out what he wanted.

“Daddy,” he whispered, “William is going to sleep on the star. He needs you to sing a lullaby.”

I stared for a moment. William was supposed to have had one extra present. The bed he’d rejected, he was now using. I had been outwitted in the present department by a two inch plastic shark. I suddenly started to dread what was going to happen when Christmas arrived.

“What does he want me to sing?” I asked through gritted teeth.

“Puff the Magic Dragon,” Colin whispered back.

I was surprised. I’d told him several months ago that I used to sing that song to him as a lullaby when he was a baby. He had remembered that. With a smile I nodded and started to sing.

I was just getting to the part about noble kings and princes, when Colin shushed me. “William’s asleep,” he told me quietly.

I nodded and returned to where the onion wasn’t quite burnt. I shrugged. Janine and I were the only ones who’d be eating it, and she’s generally happy with anything she doesn’t cook herself.

I picked up the mince meat and tipped it into the frying pan.

“Daddy!” Colin exclaimed, upset. “You’ve just woken up William!”

“Pardon?” I asked, perplexed.

“The noise you just made woke him up,” Colin stated, before turning away and leaving the kitchen.

I felt like hanging my head and crying. Nothing I was doing was working that day.

When Janine came in from looking after her horses, she asked me, “Shall we open a bottle of wine for dinner tonight?”

I nodded my head in quick agreement. “That sounds fine to me,” I answered in a massive understatement.

It was William’s birthday, and I’d made a complete mess of it.

I needed a drink.

I just hoped that plastic sharks only had birthday’s once a year; once every five years would be even better!