Opposites attract - 18. Chapter 18

I had been walking through the aisles of the library for hours now. At least, it felt like hours. The library computer insisted on the book, a text on measure theory, being here. I had asked one of the librarians, but he could only confirm that the book should be here and that it most probably had been sorted in at the wrong place. Since I needed this book for a paper, I had no choice but to search for it. I had made my way to the engineering section. At least, the librarian had been able tell me that the book’s binding was bright red, because they had images of all their books in the system. So I scanned the shelves for red books. Fortunately, those were not too numerous. I was completely absorbed in my search when I bumped into someone.

“Oh. Excuse me, I…”

My heart fell. Of all the persons I could have jostled, it had to be Timothy, Kev’s teammate. I quickly glanced up and down the aisle, but there was no-one to be seen.

“Look! What have we got here? The fag.”

A sneer formed on his lips.

“I am sorry, I will…”

“What have I told you about hitting on me?”

The sneer had vanished. It had been replaced by pure anger, distorting his features.

“I didn’t…”

He grabbed me at the collar of my shirt.

“I will teach you to leave normal guys alone.”

He drew back his fist. I closed my eyes. It hit me hard on my left cheek. Timothy had released his grip, so the momentum of his punch knocked me to the ground. A metallic taste and a warm trickle on my chin made me aware of the fact that I was bleeding. My shoulders and my back ached. In my ears, a screeching noise dampened out all other sounds. My eyes were still closed, but I saw whirling dots of light moving in a wild dance. I didn’t dare to open them, bracing for the next hit or kick that was sure to come. The uproar in my ears began to fade and I heard a voice…no… more than one voice. I opened my eyes. It took some moments to get them focused. Hayden and Jaleel, two other members of the bodybuilding team, were holding Timothy. He was glaring at me with cold eyes. I now could understand what they were saying.

“Dude, are you crazy? That’s Kev’s boyfriend.”

“Answer us, Tim.”

Timothy didn’t say a word. Hayden turned to me.

“Are you alright… Leon… that’s your name, isn’t it?”

“I am… yes, Leon… I…”

Hayden had made a step forward and extended his hand to help me up. Jaleel still had Timothy by his left arm.

“Why do you help the fag? It’s all his fault.”

Timothy said this without any emotion showing in his voice, echoing the coldness of his eyes.

“First, he corrupted Kev and now we are next.”

Hayden and Jaleel looked at Timothy in disgust.

“You are talking shit, dude.”

“Piss off, Tim. Just go.”

Jaleel pushed Timothy down the aisles and motioned him to go on. Timothy pointed a finger at me in silence, but turned around and left in a slow stride.

“We are sorry, dude. Tim is just one crazy asshole. We hadn’t a clue.”

“We’ll take you to the college nurse.”

“I don’t think that that is…”

“We insist.”

Hayden was still holding me and started to move, making me follow him. During the trip to the nurse they kept apologizing for Timothy.

“What have you done to this poor boy?”

Nurse Garland glowered at Hayden and Jaleel.

“It wasn’t them. They helped me against… the attacker.”

I felt reluctant to reveal Timothy’s name.

“It was Timothy MacFarland. One of our team mates.”

Hayden had made the decision for me. In a certain sense, I felt relieved. But I also wondered what would happen to the team. I would have to assume responsibility for that.

“Sorry, boys.”

Nurse Garland’s eyes had softened. The two bodybuilders simply nodded. Nonetheless, in both of their faces shame was showing. The nurse cleaned the laceration. I was elated to realize that I still had all of my teeth. Nurse Garland gave me a note which listed the symptoms of a concussion and instructed me to immediately see a doctor if any of those would show. Hayden and Jaleel escorted me to my room, though I had repeatedly told them it wasn’t necessary. I thanked both of them, another apology their reaction.

It was 5 o’clock now. Kev would be at the spa for another two hours. In the loneliness of my room, the realization of what had happened hit me. I started to shiver. I was afraid. I was furious. The lack of a logical explanation for his attack drove me mad. The fact that I hadn’t been able to do anything against it enraged me even more. I opened the door of the wardrobe and looked into the mirror. My lip was bruised and where his fist had made contact the skin was red. I knew it would turn black soon. For the first time during this terrible event, I started to cry. I watched the tears flow down on my reflection, as if a stranger was crying.

Not quite a quarter of an hour later, the door flew open. I jumped up from my bed, just to sit down again. It was Rob.

“Oh, little one!”

She ran over to my bed and hugged me, still standing.

“I heard about it. All of it. This bastard will regret the day he was born…”

Rumors spread fast on a college campus. And Rob was some kind of hive queen. All information reached her at an amazing speed. I didn’t know what to say, so I stayed quiet and hugged her back. She sat with me and kept on talking about all kinds of stuff. She wanted to distract me. I remained silent.

At 7:30, Kev returned from his job. Rob was still sitting by my side and held her endless monologue.

“I’m ba…”

Kev had crossed the distance from the door to my bed in a blur. He was kneeling before me. His face reflected my own pain. His hand came close to the bruise, but Kev retracted it slowly, afraid to hurt me.

“Who has done it?”

I looked at Kev. My tears had returned. I shook my head.

“It was Timothy MacFarland.”

I turned to Rob. I had intended to glare at her, but couldn’t find the anger to do so. Kev jumped up.

“I will kill him!”

I grabbed Kev’s arm.

“Don’t.”

I hadn’t talked for hours. My voice was frail and almost too soft to hear, but Kev froze in mid-movement. I realized in that moment how much power I was having over him. A single word had stopped this giant of a man. At the same time, I became aware where this power was coming from: trust. That trust was mutual. Kev held the same power over me. I brought his hand to my face and let my bruised lip touch his skin.

“Don’t, Kev. Indeed, you’d kill him, even if you don’t intend to. I need you here.”

Kev sank back to his knees. Tears were now streaming down both our faces. He laid his head into my lap. I let my fingers glide through his soft hair.

“Leon, you don’t deserve this. I wasn’t there to protect you.”

I made Kev look into my face.

“It wasn’t your fault. Don’t you dare assume responsibility for this. Do you understand me?”

In a much softer voice I continued.

“I love you too much to let this happen.”

I kissed him, ignoring the pain that seared through my lips.

“I’ll kill him for you, Kev.”

My ability to glare at Rob had returned.

“You are better than Timothy. You won’t descend to his level.”

That struck harder than any threat of expulsion or prison. Rob continued in an uncharacteristic, low volume.

“Rumors have it that Nurse Garland has reported him.”

“Hayden told her who attacked me.”

“Hayden?”

Of course, Kev didn’t know what had happened. I recounted what had transpired in the library and the role of his team mates in it.

“Hayden and Jaleel are cool guys. But I would have said that about Tim if you had asked me an hour ago.”

“Remember the celebration after the Hardwood Contest?”

My voice was meek.

“Sure.”

“He threatened me.”

“The funny face!”

I nodded.

“Why haven’t you told me then?”

“I didn’t want to hurt the team. I thought it unlikely to ever meet him alone.”

“Probability is not on your side then.”

Kev and I turned to Rob. She shrugged. I looked into Kev’s eyes.

“Can you forgive me?”

Kev’s face showed pain again, after I had asked my question. He caressed the healthy side of my face with the back of his hand.

“Can YOU forgive ME? That’s the question. I should have known better, should have seen what kind of man Tim is.”

“You are even.”

For once, I was grateful for Rob’s habit to comment on everything. We burst out laughing, the tension of the moment broken. Kev and I looked at each other and we both realized: there was nothing to forgive.

It turned out that the reporting by Nurse Garland was more than a rumor. Timothy had been suspended with immediate effect. Three days later an official hearing took place. Timothy, Hayden, Jaleel and I had been summoned to the conference room, where three professors, one administration clerk and three students had to decide about Timothy’s fate. I told them about the threat after the contest and the event itself. Hayden and Jaleel reported how they had found me. Hayden, with a determined look at Timothy, made clear that he had reported him to Nurse Garland. It was a nice gesture. Timothy remained silent when he was asked for his reasons. To my amazement, the chairman of the hearing, one Professor Layten I didn’t knew, asked me what kind of punishment I would find appropriate.

“Sir, I…”

I turned to Timothy. The coldness in his eyes which had haunted me in my dreams was gone. He looked broken, almost pleading. I had a feeling that determining the sentence was too much to ask of me. I wasn’t angry at him, not anymore. I felt pity. I looked back at the chairman.

“Sir, I don’t think that an expulsion is appropriate. I would even allow Tim back on the team, if they accept him. That’ll be difficult, especially for my boyfriend. But if the team wants to stand a chance at the national college championships, Timothy has to participate. For punishment…”

I looked at Timothy again.

“… I suggest social work at the LGBT club here at college. Perhaps he will see that we… fags… don’t mean any harm to him.”

I was aware of the irony of my last sentence, but knew it had hit bull’s eye.

“Mr. MacFarland, it looks as if you have an advocate in Mr. Fitzgerald. To be honest: I would have suggested expulsion to the committee. Diversity is one of the main pillars this college has been erected on. And you have violated this core principle by assaulting Mr. Fitzgerald for his sexual preferences. But since the victim does not press charges, I follow his suggestion: one semester of social work at the discretion of the LGBT club. Are there any dissenting votes?”

No-one objected.

“Be warned, Mr. MacFarland. Any further incident, however minor, will lead to immediate expulsion. If the LGBT club expresses any discontent with your work, Coach Derringer has offered, in his pictorial manner of speaking, to kick your sorry ass from campus himself. Do you accept the ruling of this committee, Mr. MacFarland?”

“I do.”

He looked to the ground, his voice weak.

On the way out of the conference room, Timothy approached me. Hayden and Jaleel were standing near me and watched him with vigilance.

“Thank you.”

I nodded and he left. Hayden and Jaleel gave me an envelope, both grinning insecurely. Inside was a ‘Get Well!’ card with some dumbbells on it. I felt like a fraud, because all I had was a bruised lip. The entire bodybuilding team had signed the card. Timothy’s signature was missing.

The bruise on my lip had healed. The wound inside had not. I wasn’t afraid of Timothy anymore, but every time I left my room alone there was an uneasy feeling nagging at me. Subtle, almost too faint to realize, but a constant companion I had learned to detest. I had declined the offer of visiting a counselor. I was too ashamed to share these feelings with anyone but Kev. He would listen, he would hold me, but when he was gone, the wound opened again.

I had accompanied Kev to the national college championships which took place in Huntington City, home of last year’s winner. Bergmont ranked on a respectable fourth place. After the competition, Kev and I met at the boards around the posing area.

“Congratulations.”

I gave Kev a quick peck on his cheek. I was beaming at him, but he seemed not to be too enthused.

“Hey. Fourth place in a national competition is not that bad.”

“That’s not it.”

His face sagged a little more, almost a tortured look. I touched his cheek with my hand.

“What is it, Kev?”

“Don’t freak out, ok?”

I slowly retracted my hand. Fear started to form a lump in my stomach. I nodded.

“The guys want to do a celebration again. They would like you to come with us.”

“He will be there, won’t he?”

My fear of Timothy had faded, but meeting him again, acting like nothing has happened, seemed unreal, almost surrealistic.

Now it was Kev who simply nodded.

“I don’t know.”

My voice was soft. My head was hanging. It felt as if I was letting down Kev. That hurt the most.

“The team wants to make up for what has happened. But if you can’t…”

“I’ll come.”

My head had shot up. The decision had been instant. No thinking about it, no pining away in what-ifs and could-bes. Something had started to change me and I had a strong suspicion that this something was standing in front of me. Kev face lighted up, beginning from his eyes.

“What doesn’t kill me makes me strong. Confrontation therapy!”

I had raised my fist for effect. Perhaps if I pretended to be confident, the real thing would follow. Kev chuckled, causing the regular symptoms around my spine.

The celebration took place in a Greek restaurant in the city. Kev and I arrived last, like the last time. The guys jumped up when they saw me, but I motioned them to sit down again. I had plastered a smile to my face which was as real as the decoration of this place. Shaking hands would have meant to shake hands with Timothy as well, so I opted for a wave. Kev and I were seated as far away from Timothy as possible. Whether that had been arranged for intentionally, wasn’t clear to me. Nonetheless, I was glad about it. The team members discussed today’s events, but I stayed silent most of the time. Kev’s and my hand had found each other under the table. Today, he was the one who had to squeeze mine.

“Leon?”

I froze at the sound of his voice. He was standing behind me. I had to close my eyes. I breathed in slowly and let go of the air again.

“Leon, I would like to talk to you.”

Kev turned to Timothy and opened his mouth to speak. I put both our hands on Kev’s knee, signaling him to remain silent. Still not looking at him, I replied.

“Good. Talk.”

“Can we go somewhere more private?”

The entire team had stopped their conversations. Everyone was looking at either me or Timothy. It was Coach Derringer who spoke out the obvious.

“That’s not such a good idea, Tim.”

“I won’t even touch you, Leon. Please!”

He wouldn’t harm me that was clear. I just didn’t know whether I wanted to talk to him. Curiosity won out. I got up.

“Outside?”

It was the most private place I could come up with.

“Sure.”

The night outside was neither warm nor cold. It was one of those nights which lingered on the door step between winter and spring.

“Leon. First, I want to thank you again for speaking out on my behalf before the committee.”

It was the first time I really looked at Timothy. His hair was black as mine and as wild, his eyes a light brown. It was astounding. I had looked into his eyes, had shivered at their coldness, but I had not remembered their color. He was taller than me, who wasn’t, but not as tall as Kev. His muscular frame was just a silhouette against the city lights. There was nothing terrifying about him now.

“I am not a vengeful person.”

It sounded colder than I had intended.

“Uh-huh. Second, I want to apologize for what I have done. I can’t give you any reasons, but not because I don’t want to, I can’t. I don’t know myself.”

“And that’s supposed to help me?”

“Leon, you have all right to hate me and you don’t need to accept my apology. I have been told my whole life how wrong it is to be a…”

“Fag? Queer? Gay?”

He looked to the ground and nodded.

“I accept.”

He looked into my eyes.

“I accept your apology.”

I extended my hand. Timothy looked at it in terror.

“I promised not to touch you…”

“I won’t tell anyone.”

He raised his head to look into my face again. I started to chuckle, which grew to a full out laughter soon. Timothy joined in. Finally, he shook my hand.

“Would you like to join Kev and me at the table and tell us about your work at the LGBT club?”

“Sure.”

The table turned silent again when we returned.

“I didn’t harm him.”

My face was a mask of sincerity and I motioned in Timothy’s direction when I said it. It took the guys full three seconds to realize that I was joking. When the laughter had subsided, Timothy sat down with us. I gave Kev a look and a curt nod to indicate that everything was alright. Timothy told Kev and me about his work with the LGBT crew. He actually had started to like it, even had made friends there.

It would take more time to heal, but the thorn had been removed from my wound.