Unexpected Gift - 6. Chapter 6: Home Again

 

 

Josh didn’t want to get out of bed. It felt too nice to have Chris’s legs tucked between his akimbo. He sighed, though, and opened his eyes anyway. Stretching would dislodge the strange way Chris had his legs wrapped around Josh’s, so he didn’t move, just kissed Chris and made sure he put more behind it than a “you’re amazing, and I love you”; it was more like “I want you so much my body’s aching.” Cruel, Josh knew, to wake him up, but they really couldn’t spend all day in bed. When Chris responded, he moaned, satisfied to the core. “Ready to wake up? Isn’t it swimming today?”

“Mm. Yes.”

Josh smiled. “Good. Let’s get dressed, then.”

“Dressed” meant showers, only God knew why, when they were about to spend the morning at the pool. Josh didn’t bother asking, especially when Chris joined him and gave him a spectacular blowjob. Legless and clean, Josh put on his swimsuit and got a towel he’d bought from one of the gift shops on board the boat.

It didn’t take long to discover a few things that Chris didn’t like about water. And that he wasn’t a great swimmer. Josh decided that maybe a lie in the sun would be a better. After some swimming around, Josh convinced Chris to join him on the loungers as long as he had SPF50 sunblock. Josh didn’t bother with sunblock; he needed the sun.

 

***

 

The terminal in Miami was like an over-stocked fish tank. There were people everywhere, pushing through to their destinations without watching where they were going. He brushed his hand against Chris’s; their last night together had been great, their plan for keeping in contact settled, but after three weeks in their own private world, Josh wasn’t ready to let go. Their terminals were in different directions, departures at separate times… Josh knew it would only be a few hours before he was home. His sister Sabrina was picking him up at the Greensboro airport; his brother was with their parents, apparently.

It was hard to think of anything to say to Chris. ‘Goodbye’ felt too permanent, but ‘see you soon’ just wouldn’t be true. At least, they’d talk soon.

Josh’s flight was announced over the PA and as much as he wanted to kiss Chris, he left it at a half-smile and squeezing his hand. They’d talk soon. He knew that. Nothing he said would change the current outcome. He took a few steps and stopped. He wanted to say something. Nothing came to him, nothing useful anyway.

Finally, he headed to the gate, hoping for the best.

 

***

 

Sabrina was at baggage claim, already holding his things when Josh managed to make it through the throng. She smiled, and waved him over. The crowd here didn’t move as fast as it had in Miami, but there were plenty of people pushing and pulling to get to their destinations. Josh sighed, for the first time not wanting to reach his. It was just home, but he’d left a lot behind when he boarded his plane.

Sabrina chattered the whole way home, asking him questions he wasn’t ready to answer; he did anyway, just to make the ride home go a little faster.

She dropped him at his place reluctantly, only on condition that he promised to go by and see his parents as soon as he had taken care of a few things in his apartment. Sabrina gave him a look, but he just smiled and promised again; he had an email to send.

 

Dear Chris,

If this flight is anything like the one you took over here, I’m sure you’ll be jetlagged and tired when you get home. I just wanted to let you know that I’m home, and clearly already thinking about you. I hope you have a few days to settle in before going back to work. I can honestly say I’m missing the tropical climate. There’s snow and rain. Every idiot with the license is on the road. I’m glad I don’t have to go far to work. I’ll try to call in a few days.

Josh

 

Josh closed his laptop and went out the back, where his truck waited. He drove to his parents’ house, met by Duke barking and scrabbling at the door. He let himself in and greeted his blissful dog, resigned to being shed and drooled on while he told his parents about his trip. Selected highlights only; he was deliberately vague about Chris. He didn’t want to deal with expectations before he had a clue about how the long-distance relationship would work out.

After dinner, he went home with Duke, who sat on his feet and gazed at him adoringly while he read his mail and caught up on telephone messages. He looked at his laptop and eventually gave in to checking his email, but there was nothing.

He didn’t get a reply from Chris for a few days. He’d half-expected that, but was immensely pleased when he saw Chris’s name at the top of his inbox. He clicked it and read.

 

Dear Josh,

I’m sorry that I haven’t been able to reply sooner; things have been rather busy here and, yes, I did have monstrous jet lag. Most of the snow has cleared, fortunately, but there is plenty of fog and rain. The dogs were very pleased to see me. I’ve attached a video from the first walk after I got back. How is your father?

Chris

 

Josh smiled and clicked on the video Chris had attached. His pack looked like a family of friends, diverse and full of personality. The view of Chris’s neighborhood was also educational. Everything seemed small, compact, like the little displays at Ikea: made to fit as much as possible in the little space available. He hit reply as soon as the video ended.

 

Hey, I’m glad everything’s okay. Loved the video. They’re quite the crowd, aren’t they? Dad’s all right. He seems to be feeling better, anyway. He doesn’t tend to tell me about these things and Mom sugar-coats everything. The store has been slow. I’m sure it’ll pick up soon. Here’re some photos from around the house and Duke with me at my parents’. Oh, and my siblings.

Josh

 

Even after only one set of email exchanges, Josh guessed there would always be a few-day gap in replies. Chris’s life was busy; he worked hard, and that had shown on him from the moment they’d met.

When Josh hadn’t heard from Chris in over a week, he called and left a message, hoping to hear his voice. Chris didn’t have a personal message, though; it was just the generic robotic greeting of a woman with an English accent and a beep. Josh sighed as he hung up. Part of him wondered if the last month had just been a dream. If it had been, his mind had a cruel sense of humor.

A few days later, he woke up to his phone showing a missed call from Chris. There was a voicemail, but it didn’t last long: Chris spoke a hurried, harried greeting and about half a sentence more before what had to be a student howled ‘Sir!’ and the call ended. It was nice to hear Chris’s voice, though. He stopped thinking the cruise had been a dream.

 

Morning. I got your message, well, what was there before the ‘Sir!’ in the background. I haven’t heard from you in a while, so I’d hoped to catch you on the phone. Are you running yourself ragged?

Josh

 

Josh closed his laptop. It would be a while before he got a response. He went to his parents’ house and made dinner for them. His dad had been having a few strange days. Josh caught him crying in the garage while he looked into a toolbox. Sabrina told him their dad had been too tired to go fishing with his buddies over the weekend, and his brother had told him their dad didn’t remember calling him earlier that day to talk about his grandchildren. Josh knew something was wrong, but he was helpless. Their mother saw it, and she attributed it to age. Josh wasn’t a medical expert, but he also knew this was more than his dad’s time of life. It worried him.

Slowly, his evenings at his apartment became evenings at his parents’ house.

He wished he could talk to Chris. He felt stupid sending another email before he got a reply from the last one, so he restrained the urge and focused instead on his family, striving to control the growing worry. His dad had good days and bad days in phases, and Josh found himself starting to wonder whether it was something viral, or his blood sugar, or something equally simple. Relieved of that worry, his mind turned to Chris and his sporadic emails again.

He should’ve told him how he felt before he’d left Miami; he knew that now. Things might have played out differently if he had. He still had time to make up for not saying anything, though. He opened a search engine and began looking for deals for flights to London. They weren’t all as exorbitantly priced as he’d thought they might be; it created a real possibility. Next time he heard from Chris, he’d see what he thought about it.

An email came in a week later.

 

Good evening, Josh,

I’m afraid my phone is usually off, silent, or dead because I’ve failed to charge it recently. I’ve been rather busy lately, but I’m not running myself ragged. I have half a dozen very promising boys in my current crop - two of them are working towards Bishop’s Chorister, and of course I’m having to work very hard on my cellist, since it really isn’t my instrument; I’ve been doing private tuition, so my evenings seem to have disappeared, such as they were. Is it dreadful of me to say that I rather miss the leisure of the piano lounge?

Chris

 

Josh didn’t think before he hit reply. He missed Chris, too, more and more each day.

 

Chris, No, I miss the piano lounge, too. I have quite a few fond memories of being there. Definitely you. I miss our nights together. I knew this would be hard, but to be honest, I didn’t realize how hard. My dad’s sick again. Seems like the flu, but I’m no doctor. Mom’s beside herself. They’re running some tests, but there’s nothing definitive yet. I was thinking about taking a trip soon. Before or after Easter. Would that be good for your schedule?

Josh

 

A couple of days later, Josh had a response waiting.

 

Josh

I’m sorry to hear that your father’s unwell. Has he heard from the doctor yet? I hope it’s just viral. I miss you. It would be lovely to see you whenever suits you - before Easter would be marginally easier, but, really, I will do everything I can to work around you.

Chris

 

Josh smiled and said he’d give Chris the details as soon as he had them worked out. He got up and looked out the window facing the town square and imagined seeing Chris again, being with Chris again, feeling Chris again. He was glad he hadn’t been alone in missing Chris. Knowing it was reciprocated made him even more determined to get the details worked out to go to England as soon as possible. He couldn’t wait anymore. Winter had turned into spring; going without Chris any longer, he thought he might go insane. There had been so much to do, so much on his shoulders that he wanted to fall into being at Chris’s mercy—the guest and not the one making all the decisions. He investigated flights and taxis, dates and times, the requirements for taking Duke with him to meet Chris’s pack, and the thousands of details involved in crossing the planet; Chris helped with information about the England end of the flight where he could, and Josh braced himself to tell his parents that he planned to visit the man he’d met on the cruise.

“Mom, Dad.”

His parents looked up from their respective books, their eyebrows up and lips pursed.

“I bought a ticket to go to England.” Josh smiled. “I’m going to see Chris.”

“Oh, sweetie, that’s wonderful.” His mom looked at him misty-eyed and hopeful in a way that he’d seen often enough to know that she held out hope of him settling down with someone.

“What ’cha gon’ do with Duke and that cat?” his dad asked, folding his hand between the pages of his book.

“I’m taking Duke with me. Sabrina is going to watch the store, so she’ll check on the cat, too.”

For a moment, his dad looked at him, then nodded with a grunt. He returned to the pages of his book, not even a glance at Josh’s mother. That was about all Josh was going to get from the old man: Robert Matheson was a man of few words, when he could help it. The most Josh had ever heard him say at once was when he talked about the old days, talked religion or politics, baseball and football, or when he gave toasts at his siblings’ weddings. The embarrassing stories had always been funnier when Dad had told them.

“Oh, I know you’re feeling better, but don’t forget your appointment tomorrow.” Josh waited for his dad to acknowledge him. It finally came, and Josh disappeared to the room he grew up in to do some more planning for his trip. After he’d spent hours going through places and things he wanted to see while he was with Chris, Josh stretched and scratched his stomach. He had a solid plan. Even if he didn’t get to see everything, he was going to see the most important thing—person—he was going to England for.

Someone knocked on his door.

“Yeah?”

“Josh, are you decent?”

“Yeah, come on in, Mom.”

The door widened enough for her to see him through the crack and lean on the door knob. “Honey, will you drive us to Doctor Pritchett’s office tomorrow?”

Josh frowned. “Yeah, I can do that. Everything okay?” Pritchett wasn’t his dad’s usual doctor. Is he going to a specialist? He didn’t bother asking; his parents just didn’t talk about certain things: illness, sex, his orientation…

“Of course, dear.” She smiled wanly and patted the doorknob like it was a cherished pet. “Yes. Everything’s fine. Thank you.”

“Yeah, no problem.” She closed the door after saying goodnight, and Josh had a strange jolt in his stomach, like she knew something no one else did or was afraid.

Josh didn’t think about it too much. He didn’t want to make a mountain out of a molehill when it could just be as simple as his dad’s regular doctor being sick.

He checked his phone for what felt like the fiftieth time that day. Nothing, but that didn’t mean Chris wasn’t thinking about him at least. He got up and switched off the overhead light with a quick snap of his thumb and used his phone to light the way back to the bed. He pulled off his t-shirt and jeans and got in bed, thinking of Chris.

 

***

 

The waiting area was finally empty-ish and the only distraction around was the TV in the corner with the local news. Josh was tapping out an email to Chris when his dad came out of the treatment area, his mom behind him. He sighed and clicked the button to lock his phone and followed his parents to their car.

He spent the entire drive home as he had on the way there: going ten miles below the 70 mile-an-hour speed limit because his mother thought they were going too fast. Josh let her complain and had slowed down as she’d asked. Cars along I-85 honked and sped past them until he exited in Lexington.

Back home, he switched cars and went to the bookstore. He couldn’t leave it closed all the time, and his sister hadn’t been willing to open for him. He was glad his dad’s appointment had been so early; he would actually get there by ten to open on time. When he got there, after the usual opening routine, he clicked his phone, only to find his email to Chris eaten.

              

***

 

The test results came in on a Monday afternoon. Josh was at the counter, taking a customer’s debit card when the phone rang. He thanked the woman and answered, swiping the card at the computer.

His stomach plummeted.

He couldn’t do anything with the store open so he made the decision to close early. Writing the apology for the door was difficult with his hands shaking; the letters were barely better-shaped than a twelve-year-old’s. He managed to finish and taped the sign to the door. His hands were still shaking when he got to the car. The keys tinkled against each other. Josh clamped his hand around the noise, demanding silence for just a moment. But there was no silence. Just the buzz in his head that his dad was seriously ill and that his life was about to change in more than one way. Had he even remembered to lock the store? He looked out of the windshield and saw the cat in his apartment window and Duke’s nose pressed against the glass of the shop door. It was like they knew something was wrong and didn’t want him to leave. He only had one place to go, though. He started his truck and shifted into drive. He barely pressed the gas pedal, creeping forward just a bit before turning the wheel and merging into the roadway. At the stop sign, he watched the perfectly-paced traffic keep him from going anywhere. His turn signal blinked and clicked, blinked and clicked; he changed the signal to turn right and merged into traffic when there was an opening.

Chris never left his thoughts, but things became hectic far sooner than he’d thought possible. Abandoned by his siblings with the excuse that they all had families to look after and were busy with work, he moved into his parents’ house. Appointments, prescriptions, and being therapist to his mother came before everything else. His life sank into overwhelmed carer for his father. A few days before he’d planned to leave, he pulled out his laptop. He didn’t want to have to write what was coming, but he had no choice. He sat for a moment and let the madness of it all take over. His loss—Chris, his father’s sickness, having to take on so much, without help. This wasn’t how he wanted things to be.

A pack of cigarettes sat on the corner of his parents’ kitchen divider. Josh looked at it, knowing he never should have bought them. It would be so easy to tear the cellophane open, pull the foil and spark a lighter while inhaling. He’d feel the rush of it for a few minutes before it died and he tried to find it again. It was so tempting to throw away all of his hard work in quitting.

To hell with it. He tossed the pack in the garbage.

He collected himself and composed the email.

 

This time I should apologize for not writing sooner. We know what’s wrong with Dad now. He has multiple sclerosis. I won’t be able to take that trip after all.

 

The one thing in the world I want to do, and I can’t.

My brother and sisters are saying that because I don’t have a family, I’m better suited to help mom and dad. I’ll be moving into their house. I’ll leave you the new address.

 

It feels like the world is against us.

 

***

 

His father was falling apart. Josh couldn't do anything to stop it. Watching it happen didn't make it any less difficult to cope with. The meds were still kicking in and his mother wasn't coping well with the mood swings. His father was a different man a lot of the time. No one knew it more than Josh and his mother. Josh took care of the fallout every time his dad had a hysterical fit of laughter at inappropriate moments. He dealt with it when the crying started and his dad yelled at him to go away. He didn't understand but he could only imagine how it must feel for his father to be losing his mind and body at the same time. Maybe Josh did know. Since Chris had been gone, all he could do was think about him, missing him. But there hadn't been any promises. Not promises that usually meant rings and vows, for normal people. Chris had his own busy life and students to handle. Josh didn’t dare subject him to this, too. And it wasn't like Chris had said he loved Josh or given any indication that he knew how deep Josh’s attachment to Chris went into his bones. It was like he'd lost a piece of himself. He'd given and taken his time and found real love, the one person he would do anything for and that person was on another continent. He couldn’t just drop in. Not now. Not with his father’s illness and his mother’s inability to cope with certain aspects of the sickness. She apologized all the time to Josh, like that somehow made the hurt of her emotional abandonment easier to accept.

Josh didn’t think she did it on purpose. He didn’t think she set out to make things harder. They were all a little lost and she probably most of all, if he thought about it. The man she’d loved and been with her whole life was only the same man sometimes. When he was, it was a strange combination of the illness and him, but Josh saw him trying. Sometimes he even caught his dad crying naturally, with the TV on and cup of coffee beside him.

“Dad?”

His dad cleared his throat. “Son.”

“You okay?”

There was a long silence, so heavy that Josh thought it might be better to walk away, but he waited.

“I’m worried about your mom.”

“Why?”

His dad wiped his face. “I can’t be her husband like this.”

Faced with such a blunt reason, Josh paused, then took a seat on the sofa. “Dad, I think… I think as long as you don’t forget about her, she’ll be okay. You know?”

His father shook his head, Josh had seen that a handful of times, this motion of ‘you don’t understand and can never understand’ in his whole bearing. “I know I’m not married and don’t have kids but… I reckon I’d feel the same way, Dad.”

His dad looked at him, tears still streaming down his face. He looked like he wanted to ask a question, but he just nodded at Josh and said nothing. Josh wanted to beg him to say what was on his mind, but there was no point; his dad never said what didn’t need to be said. After living with it his whole life, Josh reckoned it wouldn’t change now. Despite his illness and his age, Josh’s dad cared for his children and his wife, but he never had to say the words. He showed them all by helping where he could, by being a great grandfather to his grandchildren, by being a rock for others when they needed advice. Josh wanted to ask for advice about Chris, hoping his father might have some insight into things, but he just sat with him for a while. The Braves were playing a pre-season game on television. His dad’s favorite team. Instead of leaving like he normally would, Josh offered to get his dad a drink and joined him for the game with a beer for himself and a diet coke for his dad. Every now and then, his dad would comment on a player and how he was going to do. The tears were gone and it seemed like everything was back to ‘normal’ for now.

His mother came in to say goodnight. Something shifted in the air when she kissed her husband and went to bed. Josh glanced at his father and knew he was about to say something.

“Son, that boy cares about you. It’ll work out.”

“You—uh… Wow.” Josh just about choked. “Thanks, Dad.”

His dad cleared his throat and looked at Josh with a penetrating gaze. “Love don’t come along every day. You gotta take hold of it when you have it.” He nodded, absolute, then reached out and took Josh’s hand, his own shaking just a little. “Go after him.”

Josh squeezed his father’s hand and nodded. If only he knew how difficult it was to go after Chris. They lived in different worlds, led different lives, and seemed to have different ideas of love. He’d wanted advice. Somehow his father had known, and with his knowledge, he’d given his approval of Josh and his choice, not knowing how much it meant to Josh. Or perhaps he did, and felt the need to let him know now, before anything bad happened. Josh could only hold his father’s hand in appreciation, but he knew he couldn’t just leave. Not now. Not with the risk of things getting worse. Someone had to run the bookstore and help his parents, get his dad to the doctor, and be there for his mother. It was an impossible situation.

Josh’s dad let go of his hand. “Get some rest, Josh. Your mother needs you.”

“I know,” he whispered like a child.

“Good. You’re a good boy.”

Josh nodded, missing the touch of his father’s hand. He was scared, too. Scared for his father, for his mother, for his siblings. Death took no holidays, and even though the doctors were positive, Josh knew this disease would eat away at his father until there was nothing left, especially at his age. No one else could be there the way he could. Hospice wasn’t involved, which was a small relief, but no one knew how long that would last. Josh stood and touched his dad’s shoulder before heading off to bed. He couldn’t process any more for that night. Tomorrow, he’d contemplate what to do about Chris and how that future might work.

 

***

 

Josh sat at his laptop in his old bedroom and began writing:

                               

Dear Chris,

I hope this finds you well. Had an interesting talk with Dad last night. I won’t go into

the details, but he finally accepted that I wasn’t going to be settling down with a

young woman. It was a relief, honestly. For the first time in my adult life, I felt like he

actually saw me for who I am. I didn’t sleep well, but it was mostly worry. Seeing him

cry is still surreal and painful; he thinks he can’t be a husband to mom any more,

which I tried to explain was silly, but I have no idea if he listened or not.

One thing he did tell me is that I should “go after you.” I couldn’t believe it. I was

so happy and relieved I didn’t know what to do with myself. It’s not every day that

he says “I accept you, Son.” Which that felt like what he was doing. Mom is still a

mess. She has no idea what to do with herself and nothing I suggest or do helps.

Being helpless is not a situation I’m used to, except where it comes to us. But that’s

different, you know? We have an ocean separating us and lives in our countries.

I would give it all up, though. If even it meant we could say we tried. Not trying

seems ridiculous. I don’t know. I’m rambling. I hope all is well there.

Hope to talk to you soon.

Josh

 

***

 

Josh looked at his inbox. There had been a few sporadic emails from Chris after the sympathetic response about his father’s diagnosis, but the gaps had grown in their correspondence. Their one attempt at the web-cam thing had been an unmitigated disaster: Chris apparently lived in an area of poor network coverage and his internet connection was flaky at the best of times. Josh felt defeated. The last email he’d received had been two months ago. Josh clicked on it and replied again. He kept it simple and hoped that Chris would understand. Heartbreak and dealing with his father weren’t two things he could handle together. It was one of the hardest things he’d ever done.

 

Chris,

I had a great time. I’m glad I met you.

Josh

 

***

 

August rolled in with the heat of lava on its tail. Josh was certain if the door of the book store was open too long, he’d find out that 451 degrees was just a random number and that the books would in fact burn themselves to ash in the 109 degree heat. The air conditioning was on sixty-five, but the swelter rippling through the city was enough to steal the breath from his lungs if he took a step outside. That morning, the news had a warning for sexagenarians and older and asthmatics to take frequent breaks in the shade and to drink lots of water if they were planning to go out before dark. Really the warning applied to everyone. Damned news station always singled out one group or another every broadcast, so it wasn’t that much of a surprise that senior citizens were the target that day.

The store was slow. Summer sapped everyone of their energy; sensible people stayed home with the air conditioning and online shopping. Only a brave or foolhardy few made it through the doors.

One of Josh’s regulars browsed the New Releases section, muttering his disapproval of the unusual volumes Josh had selected and his disdain for the current Bestsellers. He really did think the store needed some changes. Maybe setting up a delivery service would increase customers…

Something butted his leg. Josh didn’t need to look to recognize a dog’s head, but it was too low to belong to Duke and he frowned, eyes drifting downwards. It was a Labrador. A naggingly familiar Labrador.

“Hey, what the hell? Who let all these damn dogs in here?” That was his customer, Mr. Bradley.

Dogs… Josh turned toward the door.

“Chris?” The book in Josh’s hands tipped forward and fell the floor in slow motion. It hit the floor and flipped, its pages wrinkling.

“Mr. Bradley, I’m sorry. The book’s on me. If you don’t mind.” The words left his mouth without conscious volition; he was dimly aware of Mr. Bradley’s grunted, cussed acceptance, but his attention was fixed on the doorway and the man standing in it.

It was hot, impossibly, unhealthily hot; it was possible he was imagining things. Duke, however, was sniffing a Greyhound, the Labrador was inspecting Josh’s shoes, and there was definitely a Papillon prancing around the bestseller display.

“I was going to take them to the house, but I couldn’t bear to leave them. The flight was dreadful.” Chris looked a little guilty and apologetic, just as he had more than once during the cruise. Josh decided that if it was a hallucination, he’d kill the person who tried to make him see the real world.

“House?” Josh stepped down from behind the counter.

“They had to travel in the cargo hold.” This was a bad thing, Josh could tell. His brain wasn’t engaging just yet, though, and Chris was rambling. “The house is on a road called Sawgrass Lane; it’s the high school music teacher’s.” He smiled nervously. “We’ve job-swapped for a while.”

Noise erupted from everywhere without warning, the dogs having apparently decided that introductions were over and playtime had begun. Josh couldn’t think, and barely registered the chaos breaking out around him. ‘Job-swap’ echoed around his skull, the concept so enormous as to be almost meaningless. Maybe the heat had melted his brain. He stared at Chris. Job-swap meant that for at least a term, maybe even a school year, Chris would be there, with Josh. Chris was there with Josh.

Josh closed the distance between him and Chris. He reached out and pulled Chris against him, melting into him. He found Chris’s lips and kissed him, pouring his sorrow, loss, confusion, love into the contact. Everything became a haze.

“I thought I’d lost you.” Josh slumped against Chris.

“No. I just had a lot to do, to get this arranged by the end of term. I didn’t want to tell you in case I couldn’t pull it off.”

“So that’s why you stopped emailing?”

“I couldn’t think of anything else to talk about.” The apology was in his voice and the brush of his fingertips over Josh’s jaw. ”I’m not a natural liar; I couldn’t come up with a reason for not being around. I’m sorry. I… took the bit between my teeth, really, and got rather blinkered.”

Josh kissed him again. “I’m glad you’re here.”

Relief flooded Chris’s smile. “So am I. And I’m glad you haven’t just told me where to stick it.”

The idea was almost laughable. “Hardly. I love you.”

Chris rested his forehead against Josh’s. “You’d still be well within your rights to be furious.”

“No. I mean, yeah. But I’d rather appreciate knowing it all worked out than push you away.”

“It’s a bit soon to say, isn’t it? I mean, that’s why I’m here. This isn’t just a month-long thing; I’ve got a year. That should give us time.”

Josh couldn’t stop smiling. “Only time will tell.” He kissed Chris again, thankful and overwhelmed. “Definitely willing to take the time, though.”

 

***

 

Josh pulled up outside his parents’ Tudor-style home with Chris, and the dogs in the back of his Chevy Silverado. “You see that oval-outcropping?”

“Mm.”

“My parents used to read to me on the bench, and I used to hide there for hours with a book when I was a kid.”

Chris smiled. A lovely sight, no matter the occasion. Josh parked and admired Chris for a moment. It was stiflingly hot and Josh hoped that his parents didn’t have the air conditioner set on Purgatory. Somehow, Chris still managed to wear pants and a shirt, even though Josh was sweating in his shorts and t-shirt.

Fireflies danced like glitter in the air, their bulbs flashing in quick sequence on the hill where Josh’s parents’ house stood.

“Ready?” Josh asked, worried that his parents might embarrass him or try to talk about the first time he had brought a boyfriend home. He didn’t want those memories to hang around Chris. Chris was different, and Josh had been a less wise man in those days; careless, even, to the point of introducing his family to someone who— No, now that Josh thought about it, that relationship had failed because of his own mistakes, and he wasn’t prepared to repeat them. He knew he’d been angry through college and his first job outside of the bookstore. It had taken losing a dear friend to make him understand how bad it really had been. When he stormed off from the bar that night, he never thought it would be the last time he would talk to Chase. But he’d made an ass of himself for the last time, and that had been part of the reason he had decided to move back home. He had needed less stress in his life and working for SAS wasn’t helping. The hours had been long and the expectations high. Josh has been good at both, but it affected him badly to the point that no one had wanted to work with him, let alone date him.

“Of course.”

Josh led Chris and the dogs up the front steps into the house and let them in with his key. “We’re here!” he called out and his mother came out of the kitchen in an apron and Sunday dress.

“Oh, Josh…” his mother smiled and gave him a hug. “And this must be Chris.” She started to give him a hug, but Chris extended his hand. Thrown, she stopped and accepted it. “I’m Grace, dear. Robert is in the dining room with Nate and Sabrina.”

Chris nodded and Josh showed him through to the dining room. Duke wandered around the house, as usual, sniffing anything that seemed new and the other dogs followed him. Josh’s parents knew Chris had a lot of dogs, so they weren’t surprised by the pack of them following them around the house.

Josh shook his dad’s hand and introduced Chris. They shook hands and then the rounds continued to Nate and Sabrina. Josh’s mom was busy in the kitchen. He went to see if she needed any help as Chris took a seat at the table.

“Oh, no, dear. I’ve got everything under control. Go sit.”

“Alright.”

Josh took a seat next to Chris and listened to the light conversation that had started. Chris mostly listened, as it was about baseball. Josh wished he could spare him from having to listen to any more and was grateful when his mother came in with a tray of meats and cheeses and set it down on the table.

“So, Chris, what part of England are you from?” Josh’s mom asked. “Robert and I have been to London many times.”

“Nowhere you'll have heard of I'm afraid. The village is called Broadwell; it's in the Cotswolds.”

”Oh, okay. And what about siblings? Josh said your parents are still there.”

”Yes; I've been very fortunate in that sense. I have an elder brother, Matthew. He's a barrister, and he's married with children. I've never been under the least pressure to be a high flier or settle down to carry on the family line, which is just as well, really.”

”Yes, Josh did mention how busy you tend to be. You mustn't work too hard or you'll have no time for anything else. And where does Matthew live?”

”He lives in London with Helen. The children are away at school; the boys are at Gordonstoun and Sarah is at Roedean. Helen does a lot for charity.”

”Oh, that's lovely. Are you and Matthew close?”

”We speak three or four times a week.”

”Perhaps Josh could learn something from you about that. He rarely talks to Nate.” Josh’s mother looked between Josh and Nate with an expectant expression. “And you teach music. What ages?”

”My teaching certificate is for secondary school, so eleven and up. But I teach all ages privately; my youngest piano student was three. I'm also qualified to teach mathematics. I occasionally cover colleagues.”

”Goodness. That's quite the range. You're a very accomplished young man. Where did you attend university?”

”I was at Magdalen. Oxford.”

”Oxford I've heard of.” She chuckled. “It's a good institution from what I understand. How did you find it?”

”It's the only one I've attended, so I don't have much basis for comparison. It doesn't bear much resemblance to the, ah, college here.”

”No, I can't imagine it would. Now, if you were to go to one of the UNC schools, it might be more familiar in terms of size. Are you enjoying the job exchange so far?”

”Yes, thank you. It's very interesting.”

She smiled. “I'm pleased to hear it. And Josh is taking care of you, isn't he?”

Josh huffed.

”I prefer to think that we take care of one another.”

”Just as well. That's how it should be.” She smiled gently at both of them. “And how are you faring with our summer heat? I don't believe it gets nearly as hot in England.”

”No, it doesn't. I think I'm bearing up reasonably well.”

”Josh has a bad habit of messing with the air conditioner. Robert and I end up freezing and he says he's still hot.” She shook her head. “It's good that you're doing well, though. I know it must be a bit of a culture shock. Especially driving.”

”I'd driven on the continent several times; it wasn't entirely unfamiliar.”

”Oh, whereabouts?”

”France, Germany, Belgium, Austria, Switzerland, Italy, Spain, Portugal, and Holland.”

”Quite well-travelled. Was that all music-related?”

”Oh, no. Some of it was just holidays.”

”That's what we'd call a vacation, right?”

”Yes,” Chris said.

Josh’s mother nodded. “Now, would you like turkey or ham, or both?”

”What do you recommend?”

”A little of both is always good. I can't imagine you'd like American cheese, so there's some cheddar, provolone and Muenster.” Josh’s mom got up and went to the kitchen and returned with bread, mayonnaise and mustard. “Josh, you can make your own,” she said with a smile.

”Mayonnaise and mustard?”

”I'm sure that will be delicious, thank you.”

”Is there anything we can do to make your transition here easier?” Josh’s mom began gathering everything for a sandwich. The chips were already on the table.

”You're very kind to offer, but I think I'm coping quite well, on balance, thank you.”

”I'm glad to hear it. What would you like to drink? We have a little bit of everything.”

”Lemonade would be lovely, thank you.”

”I think we can manage that.” She smiled and continued to compile the sandwich. “Have you always enjoyed music or did you discover it later in life?”

”I started playing the piano when I was six, and joined the church choir at eight.”

”Oh, really? That's wonderful. You're just full of surprises. Did you ever play any sports?”

”Only at school, I'm afraid.”

”Did Josh tell you he played baseball in high school?”

”Yes, he did. I've even seen the yearbook photographs.”

She nodded and brought the sandwich, along with a glass of lemonade to Chris. “Here you are. I hope you enjoy it. It's a bit hot for a cookout, or we'd have something more substantial.”

”I'm sure it will be more than enough, thank you; Josh can tell you that I've never been a big eater.”

”I suppose the portion sizes are another big difference from England. “

Chris hummed while Josh started putting together two sandwiches with turkey, ham, and cheese.

”How do you like the high school?”

”It's considerably bigger than the school I was teaching in, and of course that was just boys. I seem to be handling it reasonably well, though, and it's certainly no harder.”

”That's a relief. I'm glad you're adjusting well. And you and Josh seem to be doing well. Oh! I almost forgot about the dogs. What do they like to eat?”

”Please don't worry about them; they've had their breakfast.”

”If you're certain... Duke will eat anything. Any time. But you've probably seen that already.” Josh’s mom laughed. “I do hope you're happy here. I've never seen my son like this. It makes us happy. He had such a rough time there for a while.”

”Mom!” Josh didn’t need his mother telling Chris the worst of him, especially when it was in the past.

”What? It's true. You were quite angry all the time when you lived in Raleigh. It's nice that you've met someone who's kind and can keep you centered.” She patted Josh’s hand. ”You're going to stay for a while, aren't you?”

”That's really up to Josh; he did the driving.”

”Oh, stay for the game, Josh. It'll be like old times.”

Josh felt cornered for a moment; he still liked to watch a game every now and then, but he knew how seriously his dad took the game, especially when the Braves were playing the Nationals. He didn’t want Chris to have to deal with it, too. It was unfortunately a hazard of bonding with his father.

”Yeah, I reckon we can stay for the game. But we'll have to leave before it's over. We both have work tomorrow.”

“I know, dear. We just want to get to know Chris a little better. You've had him all to yourself since he arrived.”

”I was trying to let him get settled in before all hell broke loose.”

”Josh. Watch your tone. And I know that. Come. Let's go to the living room and we can continue talking.”

Chris had to put up with religion as a topic of conversation as much as anyone else who dealt with Josh’s mother. She was a devout woman, and it seemed that all of his years of being an organist gave him a unique perspective on maintaining a conversation about religion. Josh tried to steer away from it as a topic as much as possible. When they managed to get away from religion, Josh’s dad decided to regale Chris with his superior knowledge of baseball and the intricacies of the game. Josh knew it was an accident, but his dad didn’t seem to get that Chris saying he wasn’t familiar with the game wasn’t an invitation to tell him all about it. To Josh’s knowledge, Chris wasn’t keen on sports in general. Josh only watched with his dad and brother, usually, and then it was baseball and football. Overall, though, the evening went well. Josh was grateful that no one embarrassed him by telling too many old stories or harping on the past. He was a different man, now, and Chris was part of his future.

 

***

 

Josh watched his sister with their dad. It was the first time in weeks she had come over to be with him and Josh wasn’t on the hook for being carer. Frowning, Josh tried to tamp down on his anger. He was trying to build a life with Chris and yet his family was expecting him to work and pick up the slack where their father was concerned. Nate rarely came around, and when he did, it was only for a few hours. He didn’t live that far away. Same with Sabrina. She may have a family, but that didn’t make her immune to helping out. Chris had asked Josh to move in with him, but he couldn’t, not yet. All because his brother and sister didn’t want to help more. Josh was expected to spend all day and all evening with his father. Their shared silence did nothing but make the tension higher. Josh wanted to be with Chris. He felt like he had earned his turn to start his life, finally. Sabrina looked at Josh and waved him over. He went, not liking the look on her face.

“I’ve got to go, Josh. The kids need me.”

Josh stared at her for a moment. “Yeah. So does dad.”

“Don’t. You can’t understand what it’s like to have a family and deal with this, too.”

“Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t realize Chris wasn’t part of my life, now.”

“It’s not the same and you know it, Josh.”

Josh turned toward his dad, trying not to yell at his sister. “He asked me to move in with him. I can’t because I always have to be here. I had to hire people to work at the store, and we’re all treating him like he’s going to fall apart if we’re not here 24-7,” Josh said and stopped himself. He was raising his voice and his dad was giving him an unforgiving look. “He’s not helpless.”

“I know he’s not!” Sabrina snapped. She frowned and her eyebrows lowered. “You just don’t get it, Josh. You and Nate aren’t married with two kids. I have homework to do, laundry, my own job—”

“I didn’t make you have kids.” Josh stared his sister down.

She cracked a little. Her expression going from anger to frustration.

“Just admit that you don’t want to be here. I deserve my life, too. Nate’s single, has no kids. But no… Josh is the one who has to take care of everything because he’s the gay one. I have someone, now. Someone who loves me and wants to be with me. And instead of living my life with him like I should be, I’m losing days and nights with him because you and Nate won’t step up.”

“Josh—”

“No! I’m tired of this. I love you guys, but you’re selfish as hell!”

Sabrina stood up, her brow furrowed and lips tight. “I have to go.” She kissed their dad’s temple. “I love you, dad.”

“You, too, sweetheart.”

Josh watched her leave the living room in disbelief. His father hadn’t said a word, hadn’t agreed with Josh or anything. He had just sat there like a turtle in the sun, quiet and ignoring the fact that Josh had given up everything for his parents. He was afraid that he was going to end up losing Chris if things didn’t change soon. It didn’t matter if he had to leave and never come back. He was tired of being taken for granted by his family. Josh just wanted his relationship to be as important to his family as theirs were to them. He wanted them to understand that he was in love and he wanted to be with Chris for the rest of his life. Throwing a tantrum wouldn’t achieve anything, though. Josh just balled his hand up tightly and sat down again. His father confused him. First, he told Josh to go after Chris. Now, he wouldn’t even intervene when Josh and Sabrina were fighting over the amount of time she spent there versus her own home. If anyone had a reason to be pissed off at the world, it was Josh. He wasn’t pissed off, but he wasn’t resigned, either. He expected some respect from his family and for his relationship, even if he had to fight tooth and nail for it.

His father didn’t say a word. Josh looked at him with his jaw clenched, but he didn’t complain. He wanted to yell and scream and hit something, maybe throw something, but doing any of that wouldn’t change their views on his relationship or their own selfishness. Josh checked his watch and got up. Chris would be home soon, and Josh was ready to see him, have a few drinks and just have his turn at being happy. Even if it only lasted a little while. He’d pack a bag, just in case Chris asked him to spend the night. He would happily accept and keep the incident to himself. He didn’t need to stress Chris out by complaining about his brother and sister; he couldn’t do anything. Unless he really did cut his family ties, but he knew that would make him the selfish one. In spite of that, Josh thought he had earned his own happiness and chance to build his life with Chris. It was his turn, damn it.

A few days later, Sabrina came in with the kids and rested her hand on Josh’s shoulder. Josh looked at her in confusion, but when he heard his mother talking to Mark, Sabrina’s husband, he thought he understood that she had taken to heart what he’d said about them helping a little more. He didn’t waste any time. He loaded up his black Chevy with Duke and a bag and hoped that Chris would let him spend the night.

 

***

 

“Josh, can you come down here for a moment?”

Josh grabbed a towel and wrapped it around his waist. “Yeah. Yeah, I’ll be there in a minute.” It was early, too early, and Josh just wanted to shave in peace. His mother seemed to need him for everything these days, and he had known it would be difficult when he moved back in with them, but he wasn’t prepared for it. Not fully. He quickly shaved and got dressed and went down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee. His mother was sitting at the table, and his father was beside her, reading the paper.

“Good morning, Josh.”

“Morning, Mom.” Josh went and kissed her temple. “What did you need?”

“To talk to you.”

“Oh?”

“Your father and I have been talking. You and Sabrina the other day…”

Josh sighed. “I know. I was rude,” he said and sank into a chair.

“Let me finish, young man.”

Suitably chastised, Josh waited for his mother to finish. “You and Sabrina the other day were upsetting. To both of us. You moved back in to help us, we understand that. But we did not mean for you to give up your life.”

Josh stared.

“Chris moved here to be with you. We both know that you want to help, and that you’re trying to do the right thing, but you are going to lose that boy if you don’t stop acting like this.”

“But…”

“No. Nate and Sabrina have promised to help more. Why didn’t you tell us that Chris had asked you to move in?”

Uncertain, Josh looked at both his parents. “You both needed me.” And a perilous thought that he needed their permission to make such a huge life decision crept into his mind.

“Josh.”

“What?”

“Don’t be a fool,” his father said. “Chris left his home to be with you. I’m not helpless. You don’t have to live here to help us.”

“But—”

“No, Josh, listen to your father. No one ever said you had to give up your life for us. Especially when you have an opportunity to be happy. We’re not selfish or blind. You’re in love,” his mother said.

Josh sighed. “But you need help.”

“Not so much that you have to you live here. Move in with him. Be with him.” Josh’s mother put her hand on his. “I know you’ve been struggling for a long time to be a better person, but this is just being pig-headed. You’re not the same young man you were when you lived in Raleigh. It’s time for you to start your life. You’ve already taken over the shop. Coming over every now and again will be fine. We can handle this. Together.”

“I don’t know what to say.”

“Apologize to your sister and talk to your brother. I know you two don’t always get along, but it’s time to put all that petty stuff aside and act like an adult.”

“Mom, he starts it with me.”

“You both start it. Don’t be afraid to get to know him. I know you don’t see eye to eye sometimes, but he’s your brother. Accept each other.”

“Yes, ma’am.” Josh felt overwhelmed and pleased, but also guilty. “But what about appointments and things that need done around here?”

“You can help when you have the time. We’ll make a plan with your brother and sister. Robert and I just want you to be happy. Do you understand that?”

“Yeah, I do, but what if something happens?”

“What if something doesn’t happen, Josh?”

“Mom—”

“No, Josh. Stop making excuses. We can hire someone to take care of the yard and mowing. I’m not helpless, either. I can still cook. Not that you’re very good at it, anyway,” she said with a smile. “You don’t have to feel guilty. You’re a good son.”

Josh didn’t have any more arguments. He felt like he should have something to say, but his mother and father had given him permission to live his life and still help them. He didn’t know if that was what he wanted, but it seemed to help. He would make it work, somehow. He had staff at the bookstore, and it wasn’t just him running things any more. He could split his time more evenly between work and family. If he had known that Chris was going to give up his life and move to North Carolina… well, he didn’t know what he would’ve done. Just because he lived there, now, didn’t mean that Josh was invited to live with him. Except now he had been, and with the assurances of his parents, he didn’t feel as guilty about wanting to do it.

 

***

 

“Are you ready for your first Thanksgiving?” Josh asked. He knew he was ready for it, but after the last time Chris had had to deal with his family, he wasn’t sure if Chris was ready or not. He didn’t know what to expect from his family, ever since Josh had confronted his sister about how selfish she had been.

“Slightly perplexed by it, to be honest. What am I supposed to be giving thanks for, particularly?”

“Anything. Like I'm thankful for you and my family. I dunno. It's whatever you want it to be.”

“But doesn't one do that every time one prays?”

“I wouldn't know. I don't pray any more. Haven't for a long time.” It wasn’t that Josh had stopped believing in God or anything. He just hadn’t had any reason to pray in so long that he didn’t know if he still could. It was just a one-sided conversation, in reverence and meditation, but Josh didn’t think prayer was for him any more. He’d spent such a large part of his life being told he was one thing because he was gay that he didn’t feel beholden to any religious institution. Even when he was a teenager and went to church with his parents, he felt a sense of betrayal from the church.

“... then who are you thanking?”

“You know, that's a good question. I've always just thanked my family and left it at that.”

“Isn't that the purpose of mother's day and father's day and so forth?”

“Yeah, but Thanksgiving is a little different. It's meant to be when you're grateful for a good harvest. There are some religious ties to it, but I haven't followed that stuff since I was a teenager.”

“We always had a harvest festival at school, but that was rather earlier in the year. And at church, of course.”

“I reckon it's the same thing. We just happen to have a big family dinner and give thanks for whatever. It's a day off work. That's another thing I'm thankful for.” Josh laughed.

“Well, I daresay it'll be educational, if nothing else,” Chis said amiably.

“You'll be fine. It's just a big meal and family.”

“I trust we can take the dogs.”

“Of course. They get to eat, too. The dogs are always welcome at my parents'.”

“They're good people,” Chris said.

“I think it's as close as they will get to grandchildren from us.”

Chris chuckled.

“I'd be a shit dad anyway. I'm too selfish. I like having you all to myself.”

“Selfish is hardly the word I'd use to describe you, Josh. I do wish you wouldn't say that sort of thing.”

“I'm just calling it how I see it.” Josh kissed Chris. “Do you want to take anything special to mom and dad's for Thanksgiving?”

“Such as?”

“I don't know. Didn't know if you had a craving for something from home. There's gonna be turkey and stuffing and cranberry sauce. Gravy. Ham. Green beans.”

Chris was faintly amused. “This is a specifically American cultural event. Why on earth would I suddenly be afflicted with the desire to take something English to it?”

“Because it's your family now, too. And they respect that you're not American.”

“More so this week than they do any other time I go?” Chris wore an expression of utter amusement.

“Stop giving me hell.” Josh gave a half-smile. “I just want you to be happy.” “I have successfully—or at least reasonably successfully—navigated several months of American-ness so far without needing a special diet on account of my Englishness; I think I can manage.”

“I know that. But I'm sure you miss something from home.”

“No more so this week than at any other time.”

“As long as you're sure. Mom's a great cook. She cooks the turkey in a paper bag in the oven and it makes it so juicy. It's delicious.”

Chris laughed heartily. “I have eaten some excellent roast turkeys, Josh. I have a reasonably good idea what to expect from one. The fact that they have generally been in December rather than November really doesn't faze me.”

“Oh, we'll have one in December, too. Can't forget Christmas dinner. And you'll get to meet Maddie and Shaun. Sabrina didn't want them to overwhelm you last time.”

“Do Americans presume all English people are delicate flowers, or am I just special?”

“That's not... No. She knew it'd be weird meeting them and my parents and didn't want to add to it. That's why Mark kept the kids that night. They were just being respectful. Didn't think you'd want to meet the entire family all at once. That's all. Tried to keep it simple. Apparently, Nate has a girlfriend, now and he's bringing her.”

“I begin to get the distinct feeling that your family think of me as some strange exotic animal that followed you home,”

“No. Not at all. They had good intentions. My sister didn't know you worked with kids until you told her.”

Chris smiled. “Well, I will do my very best not to appear fragile in the face of the horde at dinner.”

“They know you're not fragile. Jesus, Chris. They hardly think that.”

Chris crossed the room and kissed Josh. “I am teasing you.”

Josh kissed him again, trying to take things a little further. “You do that just by being here.” Josh didn’t want to remove his hands from Chris’s hips. Dinner was in less than an hour, though. There was no time to have sex the way Josh wanted to do it.

“You're incorrigible.”

“Only for you.”

Chris laughed and continued to get dressed.

“You'll be fine. They like you. Maddie and Shaun are fun. A little hyper, but they're good kids. Sabrina's a good mother.” Josh would rather be in bed with Chris, naked, but he got dressed, too. There was always later. All day he’d wanted Chris like a bad habit, but he’d been working at the store for a while to give his new staff some time with their families and hadn’t had a chance to initiate anything. Oh, there’s always later.

On their way home from dinner, Josh asked, “So, how was it?”

“It was fine. Just like every other family gathering.”

“At least you didn't have to watch football the entire time.” Josh thought that was a good trade-off. Chris had no interest in sports. “Do you want me to spend the night?”

“I keep asking you to move in; doesn't that imply a standing invitation?”

Josh worried his lip for a moment. Now that he had staff and his dad was stable, he thought he could finally do what he wanted to do rather than what he had to do out of obligation. Josh thought he was selfish for wanting to spend all of his time with Chris. As much as Chris hadn’t wanted to jump into things, it was now Josh’s turn to make the right decision about their relationship. He loved this man and he was damned if anything was going to take that away from him. He had options. His sister had finally stepped up a little and their dad was growing more and more stable as the time went by. Josh no longer felt beholden to his family and their will, just his own. Chris loved him and wanted to be with him, and Josh couldn’t believe he’d let it go so long without taking up the offer already. It had partly been deference to Chris’s own life and adjustment period, but also Josh’s family. There was so much more going on than he could’ve anticipated, but with Chris by his side, he felt like he could conquer anything. “Alright. I’ll move in.” Josh pulled in the driveway at Chris’s house and decided he wouldn’t dwell on his family right then. “I love you. I want to be with you. And not just when we have time.” He wanted something from Chris that he’d been desiring for long enough that he was obsessed now with being fucked. It was all he thought about through dinner, through work.

They got the dogs into the house and Josh realized he had nearly forgotten about his cat. “I reckon Chester will have to stay with mom and dad. I don’t think she’d handle all the dogs as well as she handles Duke.”

“Possibly not, no, but surely she can stay at the shop. She practically lives in it; does she really need to be uprooted, the poor soul?”

“I hadn't really thought about it that way. Yeah, I reckon so. That’s a good idea.”

Chris smiled.

“I’ll move in this weekend, if that’s okay with you.”

“Of course it is,” Chris said matter-of-factly.

Josh crossed to where Chris stood in the kitchen and rested his hands on his hips. He kissed Chris gently. “You’re incredible, you know that?”

“I appreciate the compliment, but I don't see what I've done to deserve it this time.”

“Just being you.”

Chris looked mildly amused.

“You made a huge decision coming here, and I know it couldn't have been easy to leave everything behind. I'm glad you're here.”

“I thought it was worth a shot.”

Josh smiled. “I really didn't go on the cruise to meet someone. You just happened.”

“You know, the more often you say that, the less plausible I find it,” Chris teased.

Josh laughed. “Hey, I didn't put your luggage in my room. I can't help that from the first time I saw you I was taken.”

Chris then kissed Josh.

“Mm. Do that again. It's giving me ideas.”

Chris chuckled.

“You laugh, but I have ten bucks that says you'll happily not resist the opportunity to…” Josh lowered his voice and looked at Chris deeply, “…fuck me.”

“I have no intention at all of resisting the opportunity.”

Josh grinned. “Then what are you waiting for?”

“Absolutely nothing.”

 

***

 

Josh let himself into the house Chris borrowed from the Rosses. He stooped and picked up the bags of groceries and carried them through to the kitchen. Chris wasn’t home yet; Josh imagined it would be a few hours yet, but he wanted to do something special. It wasn’t an anniversary or anything, but he thought a night in. making dinner and having drinks would be nice. Even if it was just to take the stress of the day away for a little while. They hadn’t talked much about how school was going. Josh selfishly turned to his family at the moment as a topic of conversation, but he promised tonight that he would keep the Mathesons far from the topic of conversation.

He knew his way around the kitchen well enough by now. He set the groceries on the marble countertop and began unpacking everything he needed: beef, potatoes, corn, carrots, peas, and a gravy sauce, from what he understood. He was making Chris a shepherd’s pie, give him a little taste of home.

“Welcome home.” Josh poured the martini he’d just made and took it to Chris.

“Thank you,” he said and accepted a kiss from Josh.

“How was work?”

“It was fine, thank you. How are your parents?”

“Fine. We'll leave it at that. Tonight is all about you. I hope you like shepherd's pie. I found a recipe and everything. Seemed like it would be filling on such a cool evening. I already took the dogs out.”

“Shepherd's pie?”

“Yeah. Thought you might like something English, since we mostly eat American food. I had been thinking about it all day, and starting looking through cookbooks at work.”

“I'm not sure that Americans have a particular monopoly on everything we've been eating, but that's very thoughtful of you. May I ask who wrote the cookery books?”

“No idea. I copied the recipe and went to the grocery store to pick everything up. Lisa’s at the shop.”

“That was very thorough of you. Josh, you know that I'm perfectly happy to cook, don't you?”

“I wanted to do something for you. It's only been a few weeks. You're still adjusting.”

“I will admit that I'm still getting used to driving on the wrong side of the road, and biscuits being some sort of savory scone, and gravy being white sauce, and grits being... well, awful, frankly, but I promise faithfully that I am having no trouble at all with steak and chips for dinner.”

Josh laughed. “I know. I just needed to do something for you. You've done so much for me. It's small and nothing like what you did, but it's still from the heart.”

”Well, I appreciate the gesture. It's very nice of you. Would you be awfully offended if I took Fenton out? I do quite enjoy walking the dogs.”

”No. This still has about forty minutes to bake, and I need to clean up.”

”Alright. Thank you. I shouldn't be that long.”

”I'll have another drink waiting for you. And a beef knuckle for Fenton and Duke.”

Chris deposited his messenger bag and changed shoes before taking the pack out for another walk. While he was gone, Josh cleaned up the prep mess in the kitchen. He made another martini and put it in the fridge so it was nice and cool when Chris returned. There were treats ready for the dogs as well. Josh didn’t want to leave anyone out.

It took Josh a while to clean up. He had never been much of a cook, let alone a clean one, so he took extra care in making sure the kitchen was spotless for Chris.

Chris was gone almost the entire time it took for the shepherd’s pie to bake. When he came back in, he went to the kitchen and washed his hands.

”I apologize in advance if it tastes nothing like what you're used to. I added a little extra to it. It seemed a little bland on its own.”

”Extra what?”

”Just some salt and pepper. Touch of garlic powder.”

”Nothing exotic.” Josh chuckled and watched Chris take his martini and a beer to the table. The timer on the oven went off about the time Chris sat down. Josh pulled it out of the oven and rested it on a trivet before spooning a portion out for each of them. Chris still ate like a bird, so Josh kept it small on his plate. “It smells good.”

”Is that sweetcorn?”

”Yeah. Is that wrong?” Josh worried his bottom lip, hoping that it wasn’t.

”I... imagine some people put it in a shepherd's pie, but I can't stand the stuff, myself”

”Damn.” Josh shook his head. “I’m sorry. I can make something else.”

”No, no; it's alright. I'll just pick it out.”

Josh looked at Chris seriously. “Are you sure? I don't mind starting over.”

”Yes, I'm sure. Thank you.”

”Anything else I should know not to cook?” Josh asked lightly.

”Kippers.”

Josh nodded and took a bite. “I don't think that would be a problem. Did you enjoy your walk?”

”Yes, thank you. It's a pleasantly mild evening.”

Josh smiled. “Good. I can imagine needing a minute after work, when it's with kids.”

”They're decent enough.”

”Is there a George Richardson in this lot?”

”No, mercifully.”

Josh chuckled and took a bite of his dinner. “Give it time.” He stretched. “Another drink?”

”No, thank you; I have quite a lot of marking to do”

”Oh, okay. Do you mind if I join you? I'll be quiet.”

Chris smiled. “You're always welcome.”

Josh nodded. “How was it? Except for the sweetcorn?”

”Very filling, thank you”

Josh was pleased. He had never been much of a cook, but he didn’t mind doing something for Chris, especially if it meant he didn’t have to be stressed out by how many hours he filled his day with. “My pleasure. Maybe next time you can show me how you'd do it. Have you made any friends with the other staff members?”

”You sound like my mother asking whether I'm settling in well at university. I get on with my colleagues perfectly well, thank you. We have some common interests, and are able to chat easily during breaks, but I don't feel any need to join clubs or go bowling with them.”

”I just want you to be happy here.”

Chris smiled. “It's very sweet of you, Josh. I am perfectly content, I assure you.”

Josh nodded. When they finished eating, he took the plates to the kitchen and washed them. He didn’t want to leave a mess for Chris. Josh finished up in the kitchen and brought the dogs’ treats, which they snuffled happily and ate with enthusiasm. Duke and Fenton had their beef knuckles, now, and were happily gnawing on them. Josh joined Chris on the sofa. He’d already started his work, so Josh sat quietly and didn’t bother him. He did just want Chris to be happy. Even if it was a meal from home or giving up the time he could’ve spent with him while he’d been with the dogs. Josh had no idea how long Chris would be working, but he didn’t care. He rested his hand on Chris’s thigh and swiped his thumb across the fabric, just enjoying their time together.

 

***

 

The house smelled like pine and cinnamon. Josh closed the door of the borrowed house behind him and went to the kitchen. If Chris didn’t already have a Martini, he wouldn’t turn one down, and Josh needed a moment to change gears from care-taker to boyfriend. The step-by-step of it was comforting: order in the midst the chaos his dad’s illness had caused. He knew it was no fault of his father’s; he didn’t blame him. It was just life. He had Chris and his health; that was enough.

When he finished mixing the drink, he took it through to the living room with his own beer. Chris sat on the sofa, his usual composed self, with a red pen in one hand, a student’s textbook in the other, and a contemplative look on his face. The dogs lay around in the lazy warmth of the house, one big pile of canine love, their numbers augmented by the Irish Setter Chris had brought home within weeks of starting his job. Duke looked at Josh when he sat down beside Chris, and Josh had to quell a weird urge to apologize to the dog for letting Chris oust him from his accustomed place. Duke had been used to lying across the sofa with Josh, but Chris didn’t like them on the furniture, which was reasonable enough given their numbers and size. Chris’s dogs were happy, but disciplined: Duke’s bad habits had slowly disappeared in the six months he’d had Chris as a second master.

Chris smiled and accepted the Martini. “You’ve had a rough day.”

“Yeah.” Josh sighed, grateful Chris knew him well enough to see it without having to be told. “At least it’s Christmas. Sabrina and her brood are there now.” He shifted, never really sure if Chris wanted to hear the details. If he explained what was going on, there was never a complaint, which went a long way to easing Josh’s nerves; Chris didn’t say much about it, but he listened sympathetically, and that was support in itself. “He started laughing at absolutely nothing today. Then cried for an hour.” Chris clasped Josh’s wrist, a gesture that made him feel like he had a new foundation to stand on.

Chris sipped his drink. There was more that Josh could say, but nodding and settling closer to Chris said more than any words.

“You’ve got something on your mind, too.”

Chris laughed. “I have. Probably not in the way you’re thinking, though.” He gave a wry smile. “What would you say to being stuck with me for a little longer?”

“I’d say it’d be the best news I’ve heard for a while.” A year had never felt like long enough, but Josh hadn’t planned to complain: He was grateful for any time they had together.

“I’ve been offered a job. A permanent one, not just an exchange.”

“Yeah?” Josh sat up a little more and looked at Chris, smiling.

“At a university in Salisbury.”

“What did you tell them?” He was almost, almost certain that he knew. Chris wouldn’t have raised if he’d turned it down, surely...

“That I’d be pleased to accept.”

A weight Josh had felt since Chris had arrived on a trial basis lifted. “That’s the best Christmas present I think you could’ve given me.”

Chris gave him one of those rare, dizzying smiles, but his ingrained practicality wouldn’t let him let it lie there. “I’m going to have to find a house. The Rosses will need this one back.”

Josh leaned against Chris. “What if we found a house?”

He was rewarded with a deep, lingering kiss. “I was hoping that you’d say that.”

Josh smiled. “Any ideas yet?”

“There’s a couple a few doors down from your parents who have family in Vermont. They’re thinking of selling up.”

The world swam giddily for a moment. ”You really want to live that close to my parents?”

“You don’t?”

“It’s not that. That means you’re in it for the long haul.”

Chris nodded. “I am.” As if Josh shouldn’t even have needed to wonder.

Josh leaned in and kissed him. Chris had done the research already, accepted the job, made his commitment to Josh. “I love you. Thank you.” Chris looked back at him, face softened in one of his rare moments of complete openness, and Josh didn’t need the words: Chris loved him. “Do you like that house?”

Chris shrugged lightly, settling back into his usual tranquility. “It has a suitable number of walls and apertures and so forth. I’m really more interested in the company.”

Josh smiled. “We can make it ours.” He paused for a moment. “I’m glad you’re staying. It honestly takes some of the stress away.”

“Good.”

And Josh knew—knew—Chris meant it. It was a feeling bone-deep and that blossomed in his chest like nothing he’d ever felt before. He settled against Chris’s side and watched the fire while the man he loved resumed his grading. The Christmas tree they’d bought and decorated together twinkled gently in the corner by the window, and their dogs stretched, snuffled and snored contentedly. The last few months had been as good as the evenings in the piano lounge, but this was better. He had everything he wanted. Chris might have been the reluctant one at first, but he’d uprooted his whole life for Josh, and Josh couldn’t have wished for anything more. It was perfect. The fire crackled every now and then, a familiar and comfortable sound that would always mean Chris in his mind. He looked forward to their own house, their new lives together. Josh closed his eyes and drifted, knowing he had exactly what he needed.

 

***