Imagine There's No Heaven - 12. Chapter 12

Shamrock grew in bushels and rustic pots beside the straw-roofed cottage, crept beneath rocks and pebbles, and dotted the landscape. Instead of a wall, hedgerows of feirdhris produced delicate orange and red flowers along the boundary of the property. Wild grass waved in the warm breeze of that first afternoon. A rag-tag broken fence, bent in places, hid in the grass and hedgerow breaks. The path, made from broken slate, curved and meandered like an ox-bow lake through the wild garden. It led into the abandoned remains of an orchard, where life seemed to stand still in the quietness of summer.

Here, peace and life rubbed shoulders in everything that moved and grew. Here, death took a back seat. Compared with the city, this life had everything and more. Fresh air. Tranquility. Pastoral beauty. Colton strolled among the bushels of shamrock, touching them, feeling their delicate strength. He looked for a four-leafed clover, but looking for something as elusive as a good luck charm, made him realise that maybe his luck had run its course.

He had forgotten the one thing Sue taught him; to count his blessings. His youth drove him and he had much to learn. Jack had stood with him and the bakery flourished. Jack left him, and the bakery crashed. He could not help but believe that Jack had come into his life for a reason; to teach him something. He had read somewhere that teachers appeared, stayed a while, and when the lesson ended, moved on.

He drifted along a scraggly path and paused on the crest of a hillock. The cottage appeared small, like a postcard image. The rock walls, cracked and swollen from the sun, rain, and wind, held together beyond comprehension. The rustic charm appealed to him, but rustic charm did not replace safety even though there were no people here. Nothing but the rambling hills and shamrock and feirdris. It all seemed too peaceful. But there was no peace in his heart. His soul was not tranquil.

How long would they need to live like this? How long would Richard continue to ignore him, blame him for Bernard’s death? Sue’s wounds needed time to heal, and he had to stop thinking about Jack. But, Jack’s memory would linger for a long time. It seemed as though everyone was against him. All he wanted was for Richard to hug him, embrace his friendship so that they could both work through the tragedy. That could also take some time. Maybe a very long time.

It was sunset when he returned to the cottage. Sue sat on the porch, drinking a mug of hot coffee.

‘Did you enjoy your walk?’ she asked.

‘Thanks. I did. I never realised that so much shamrock grew here.’

‘Did you know that St. Patrick used the leaves of the shamrock on his travels to explain the Holy Trinity?”

‘I never knew.’

‘’Tis true. When Ireland was ruled by Druids, St. Patrick roamed the land teaching the Word. Some of his followers couldn’t relate to the doctrine of the Holy Trinity, so he picked a leaf from the shamrock and explained the concept of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit. It was a simple, but beautiful story. He must have been convincing, because from that day, the shamrock has been revered throughout Ireland. Well, I certainly hope the Holy Trinity is with us now.’

‘I don’t know about that,’ Colton said, ‘I do know there’s a hell of a lot of the stuff around here. It’s so peaceful.’

‘I love that too,’ Sue said. ‘Have you seen Richard?’

‘I haven’t seen him since we arrived.’

‘He went off. Didn’t say anything. Just walked off in that direction. I don’t want to worry about him, but I do.’

‘He’s old enough to take care of himself, Ma. He should be back soon.’

‘I hope so. I worry about both of you.’

‘I worry about you. And me. And Richard.’

‘I can handle anything that comes my way, son.’

‘I realise that. You’re a strong person. I wish I had half your strength.’

‘You’re my son, of course you have that strength.’

‘It might look like it, Ma. But I can assure you I’m quite weak. I hate conflict.’

‘Richard too. I can tell. He’s not used to conflict. Do you like him?’ she asked.

‘Richard?’

‘Yes.’

‘I like him. Maybe too much.’

‘I think he likes you too.’

‘I wouldn’t know. He refuses to talk to me.’

Sue placed a gentle hand on Colton’s arm. ‘Give him time, Colt. He’s just buried his son. His mind is in another place.’

‘That’s what I’m worried about, Ma. Time. In time he might learn to hate me even more. He blames me for this tragedy and he isn’t wrong. If I had left that diary alone, things might have been different.’

She patted his hand. ‘Remember to count your blessings son. You have your life. You have me. You have your sanity. There are people out there who have sold their souls to the devil. They look forward to living in darkness. Remember the light. There is so much in the light. Be positive, always. If you send out negative feelings, you’ll surround yourself with negative things in life. If you send out positive feelings, you will always have the light, and positive people will flock around you.’

‘I know, Ma. But it’s difficult. We’ve lost the bakery. We’ve lost our home. We can never return. How do you expect me to feel.’

‘That’s all material. I’m talking about heart and soul. Besides, now’s our opportunity to start afresh. Never look back. Always move forward. We’ll get another bakery. Another place to live when all of this is over. Wouldn’t you like that?’

‘Yes, very much.’

‘I will be there for you. Always. That’s why I’m your ma. Come here.’

He kneeled before her, placed his head in her lap and whimpered softly. She ran her fingers through his hair, gently comforting him, like only a mother can.

‘I love you, Ma. Thank you.’

‘It’ll be alright, son. It’ll be alright.’

He didn’t see the glint of a tear in her eyes.

***

Colton couldn’t sleep. He waited on the porch for Richard to return even after Sue had retired for the night. Richard didn’t come back. He fell asleep sometime between one and two and the sun on his face woke him. He stretched and went inside. Sue was busy fixing breakfast. She had set three plates at the table.

‘Three plates? Is Richard here?’

‘He came in about an hour ago. Did you sleep out on the porch all night?’

‘I guess I did. I must have fallen asleep and not heard him.’

‘Anyway, breakfast is ready. I’ll call Richard.’

Sue knocked on his door but there was no answer. ‘We’re about to eat breakfast Richard. We’ll wait for you.’

Silence.

Sue returned to the table and served poached eggs, braised mushrooms and three rashers of bacon. She sat down, said a prayer, and began eating like a hungry lioness. The last time they had eaten a hearty meal was four days ago.

Colton stared at his food. He wasn’t ready to eat. Sue gobbled up the last speck of food in her plate and smiled.

‘What?’ she said. ‘I was hungry. You should be too.’

‘Nothing. I just admire that you can eat so soon after everything that’s happened. I guess I’m still too nervous. If I eat anything I’ll just puke it all up.’

‘Fair enough. I’ll eat it.’

‘Shall I put Richard’s food in the fridge?’

‘Good idea. I’m sure he’ll eat when he comes out of his room.’

But he didn’t come out of his room.

It continued for the better part of a week. He took long walks. He gave no indication of how long he’d be or in which direction he’d be walking. Silence, as a punishment, fuelled him. Sometimes he’d wear shoes, other times he’d go barefoot. It ate Colton to see him go, not knowing if he’d return.

Colton was on the porch when Richard returned on the Thursday afternoon just before dusk.

‘Hi Richard,’ he said softly. He waited for a reply.

Richard ignored him. It was as if Colton didn’t exist.

Inside, Sue had prepared a stew and the aroma of herbs wafted out onto the porch. She smiled as Richard walked in.

‘Hello Richard. I’ve been meaning to ask if you’re doing okay.’

‘Hi.’

It was the first full word he had spoken since arriving at the cottage but still it wasn’t a full sentence. This was progress.

He locked himself in his room and ignored the call to supper.

Colton leaned into the door. ‘You have to eat, man. Please, don’t do this to yourself.’

His words were ignored.

Saturday wasn’t much different.

Colton kept Sue company. Her safety meant more to him than anything else in the world. Richard refused to acknowledge both Colton and Sue and the relationship between them was deteriorating by the minute. Richard left on Saturday morning before breakfast, but this time, Colton had a plan.

He followed him.

Kept a safe distance.

He must have walked two hours across the hill swept terrain, until he rounded a clearing and came upon a dilapidated old shack. Nothing to look at. Weeds had crept in through the windows, ceiling and wooden slats. Over the years, the wind and rain had shattered the sheets of glass and it was nigh impossible to find the steps leading up to the front door.

Colton was nervous about apprehending him there. He was spending time on his own, hopefully healing. It would be wrong to start communicating with him just now. He realized that Richard needed room to breathe. Still too emotionally charged to set things right. The best way to go about it would be not to be seen at all. At last he was looking at things through Richard’s point of view. They had both lost something they loved very much. Who was worse off? Richard losing his son, or Colton losing his lover? Colton had apologized, but maybe another apology was required even though he had not forced Richard to help him that day with the motorbike. Richard had offered help. Colton had accepted their offer. Colton had also been wronged, but it didn’t mean that he couldn’t apologize for the way Richard had been wronged.

He returned to the cottage.

‘You were gone for some time, Colt. Where were you?’ Sue sat on the porch peeling potatoes and putting them into a pot of water.

At first he hesitated, but she deserved the truth. He wasn’t ashamed of following Richard.

‘I went after Richard.’

‘You followed him?’

‘Yes, Ma. Two hours from here there’s a shack.’

‘It’s no wonder he doesn’t come back some nights. It’s so far away. Did he see you?’

‘I hope not.’

Well, at least we know where he goes. You know they could fetch us anytime. If he’s not here, there’s no telling what they will do.’

‘We’ll cross that bridge when we get to it.’

‘I hope he’s getting the peace he wants. It’s not fair about Bernard.’

‘Is anything fair, Ma? You lost your dignity to those bastards. I lost Jack and my trust in humanity. We all lost something, ma.’

‘But losing a child is hard to bare. It’s the worst of the lot.’

‘And what about those people who lost their children in that bus? What about those people who have lost their loved ones in this war, Ma?’

‘They find a way to cope, son. We all find a way to cope. And when all is said and done, we move on. Sometimes tragedy brings good things.’

‘So far it’s brought nothing but sadness and hate. I wonder if he’ll ever notice me again.’

‘Time. That’s all he needs.’

She took another potato and began peeling. ‘Time,’ she repeated.

***

Richard returned late Monday afternoon.

Colton watched from atop the hillock and spotted him from far off. He toyed with the idea of running down and meeting him halfway, but what would he say? Richard hated the very sight of him. There was nothing he could do or say to make him talk. He remained on the hill and watched the sunset. By the time he climbed down, the sky had turned from grey to black.

He stopped on the porch when he heard voices coming from inside.

Sue’s voice was firm. ‘It’s you and Colt. I realize that the last thing you want to do is talk to him. But, you’ve retreated from all of us. You don’t communicate at all.’

‘If I do speak to him, it will probably end up in a fight,’ Richard said.

‘I don’t want that,’ she said. ‘God knows there’s enough war on this planet of ours. The problem will only escalate. He knows how you feel and he can’t function properly.’

‘He has no idea how I feel. It wasn’t his son that was killed.’

‘Richard, tell me honestly, is Colton really the problem?

‘What do you mean?

‘Is it Colton or the circumstances?’

He remained silent.

‘I think it’s the circumstances. Not him,’ she said. ‘He didn’t kill your son, Richard.

‘He may as well have. If it wasn’t for him none of this would have happened. I understand that I was in the wrong place at the wrong time when I met Colton, but, good Lord, one doesn’t expect to be thrown into the flames of hell because of it.’

‘It’s so easy to point fingers. Blame someone else for what happened. That’s a bit selfish don’t you think?’

He didn’t say a word.

‘I’m just saying that you should let Colton know how you feel. It isn’t fair to be angry at him if you aren’t willing to let him know how you feel about the situation.’

‘I need time, Sue.’

‘We all need time in this situation. That’s why we’re here. I see this as a healing process. You know you can come to me and talk about anything.’

‘I feel like I want to hurt him back for what has happened.’

‘Sure you do. You forget that Colton also lost someone he adored. Don’t you think that’s enough punishment for him? Before you think about hurting him further, think twice about what you both have lost.’

He remained silent again.

‘Trying to get revenge is the worst thing you can do, son,’ she said. ‘It turns you into everything you hate and are upset about. Remember the old adage, if you fight fire with fire you only create a bigger fire.’

‘Maybe you’re right.’

‘Not maybe, son. I am right. Jack was the most wonderful person that ever came into Colt’s life. They were in love. Jack’s death has shaken Colt to the core. Your son’s death has shaken him beyond what is fair and noble. Think about that in the time you have.’

‘Colton doesn’t care about my feelings.’

‘How can you say that?’

‘He doesn’t show it.’

‘He does show it. You just don’t see it. Last week, when we arrived here, you went out for the whole night. He was sick with worry. He even slept on the porch waiting for you. How many times has he knocked on your door to find out if you want to eat with us? How many times has he cried in my lap that he feels so bad about what has happened and you won’t give his friendship a chance. He’s lost his place in his life, Richard. You have too.’

‘I’m scared Sue. What if I make a bad friend?’

‘Only one solution for that, son. Stop abusing your own feelings. You and Colt lost someone you both cherished and adored. Time to put that aside and be true to yourself.’

Colton peered through the window into the brightly lit room just in time to see Sue hug Richard. He stepped back, a smile on his face.

By the time he walked in, Richard had returned to his room. But this time he left the door slightly ajar.

‘Hi, Ma.’

Sue was plating up for dinner. ‘Hi. I was just thinking about you on top of that hill. I hope you’re hungry tonight. You haven’t eaten for two days.’

‘I’m hungry.’ Richard said, standing in the kitchen doorway.

Sue laughed. ‘And so you should be. You haven’t eaten good wholesome food for almost a week.’

Colton glared at him. How could he do this? He’d given them the cold shoulder for almost ten days and all of a sudden he’s friendly again. What? Did he think that Colton would simply accept the fact that all was forgiven now?

‘Thanks, Ma. I’m not hungry. I think I’ll just go to bed.’

***

The following morning, before sunrise, Colton dressed quietly. He didn’t know if Sue or Richard were awake and he wasn’t interested in finding out. He took with him a loaf of frozen bread in case he got hungry, and began his long trek towards the shack. Two hours later, he was standing on the steps. Hesitantly, he pushed the door open.

Richard had cleaned the place. There was a chair in front of the window, and a rickety, broken single bed along one wall with a writing desk and a basin. Whomever had lived here before, required only the basics to live. He wondered what Richard did here on his own when a noise from behind startled him. He turned and came face to face with

Richard.

‘What?! What the fuck are you doing here?’ Richard asked, raising his voice.

‘I could ask you the same thing.’

‘You followed me, didn’t you? That’s how you know about this place.’

Colton stared at him for a long time.

‘Why?’

‘Because I hate seeing you like this. I just want to be your friend. I need you.’ Colton said.

‘That’s just your wild mind talking. I don’t want a friend, least of all you at this point of my life.’

‘We all need each other to get through this. Why are you doing this to yourself? You don’t speak to any of us. All you do is sleep and when the morning comes, you leave. You’re tormenting us while we worry about you.’ Colton said.

Richard threw a bag onto the bed. ‘I was fine…Bernard and I were fine before I met you. I don’t need your friendship. I’ll be fine without it.’

‘Listen to yourself. Just stop for a minute and listen to yourself. You think you’re Mister Superhuman. You think you can do whatever it is you want and fuck the rest of us. Sue cares for you. You blame me for the Bernard’s death. What you fail to realise is that Bernard didn’t die for nothing. He saved us. He died so that we may live. Don’t you get it? I lost Jack. I love…loved the man,’ his voice cracked, ‘without him, I would have amounted to nothing.’

‘Oh, sure, wise words from a wise man who really knows nothing about anything. I not only lost my son, but my job too. How’s that, mister. You think you have problems…’

‘What about my mother. She lost her dignity to monsters. She lost her business that she built up from the day I was born. What happened to the Richard I met a couple of days ago. You had feelings. You had a lust for life.’

Richard slammed his fist into the door. ‘How do you know what I’m feeling?! Have you ever lived through the death of your child?!’

Colton stepped back, expecting the next punch to land in his face. ‘It’s true, I have no idea how you feel. But maybe I can help.’

‘Can’t you see, I don’t want or need your help. You’ve done enough damage.’

‘Why do you blame me? Did I place that bomb? Did I kill Bernard? I was also a victim!’

‘If I hadn’t met you…’

‘It’s easy to say that. That’s just a cop out. Well, you did meet me. And if you remember correctly, you offered to help me with the bike.’ He placed a hand on Richard’s shoulder. ‘You need to get over this, Richard.’

Richard brushed his hand away. ‘I don’t know if I will ever get over it. I don’t really know what’s normal anymore, and I don’t know if I will ever be the same man I was before.’

‘It might take a long time. Christ I don’t believe what that bastard did to us. He tried to break us, Richard. He tried to make us think our lives are not worth living. But I’m not going to let him succeed. We might never be the same, but it will be different.’

Richard’s voice calmed down. ‘I think about Bernard every day. Just the little things that meant so much to me. He’d punch me on the arm and say, morning dad. The little expressions he used, like fancy that. God, what am I going to do without him. Everything around me is like a blur. My mind and everything I touch, everything feels numb.’

Colton reached out to touch him but pulled his hand away. ‘Don’t ever expect a day to pass without thinking about him. You shouldn’t want to. You loved him dearly and you’ll miss him for the rest of your life, and you know what, that’s okay. Try smiling when you think of him.’

They glared at each other. Richard’s breathing calmed. Colton wiped a tear from his cheek.

‘What do you want from me?’ Richard whispered.

‘I didn’t realise how much we have both lost.’

‘A truce. Friendship.’

The bed squeaked and grated when Richard placed his full body weight on it. He hung his head in shame. ‘I couldn’t see just how much pain we both have.’

Colton kneeled before him and took his hand. ‘We can get through this, together. Both of us, together, we are strong. ’

Richard lifted his chin and stared deeply into Colton’s eyes.

‘Do you want me as a friend?’

‘Is it true that you waited for me and slept all night on the porch? Sue told me you did that.’

‘I was worried about you. We’re in a strange place. If anything happened to you I would never forgive myself.’

Richard was quiet for a few moments. ‘We can never be friends,’ he said, finally.

Colton stood up. His heart raced. Richard had finally said it. They would never be friends.

‘I…I’m sorry you feel that way. I thought…I thought there was a chance, maybe get to know each other better. I see I was wrong and I’m sorry.’ He turned and walked from the shack, when, at the bottom of the steps, Richard called him.

Colton continued walking away from the shack. He wouldn’t turn back. He walked away knowing that he’d done everything in his power to keep Richard as a friend.

Richard came up from behind and stopped him.

‘Wait! What the fuck?’

‘You said we’d never be friends. I can’t argue with that.’

‘That’s not what I meant. Maybe I meant that we could be more than friends.’

They wrapped each other in a tight embrace, both spilling tears as the world opened up again for them.

‘I don’t know if we’ll ever be more than friends,’ Colton said, but there’s something I need to do and hope you don’t throw a punch or push me away.’ Before Richard could say another word, Colton planted his lips squarely where he wanted them.