Wake Me Up Inside - 2. Chapter 2

Trigger Warning: Sad times ahead . Contains suicidal ideation, depression and general mental health struggles.
 

Quin

I woke up feeling very well fucked. I hadn't been with anyone since everything fell apart with Rachael six months ago. Catching your fiancé in bed with your best friend tends to destroy your trust in humanity. I shook it off without the usual bitterness. I was happy. Who ever said getting under someone was the best way to get over someone was absolutely right. I hopped out of bed, I didn’t bother to put on clothes after she left, and padded my way to the shower. I stopped when I caught my reflection in the length mirror. My neck and chest were covered in hickeys. I shivered as I remembered the feeling of her sucking on me. I continued onward to the shower and adjusted the dials to my liking, then stepped under the spray. I hummed as the water hit my body. I was a little sore from last night but I felt good, really good rejuvenated. I smiled. You’re so sexy. I clung to the memory of her husky tone. I groaned. I rubbed my clit, hissing. Yes I was definitely sore. Fuck. I quickly soaped up and rinsed off, ignoring my arousal. I had to have her again and this time I wanted to unwrap her.

“Hello.” His voice was laced with sleep.

“Hey twin. I need a favour.”

“No how was your night, what’s happening to our relationship.” I fell back until my head hit the pillow smirking.

“How was your night?” I asked dutifully. He lowered his voice.

“Good, real good.” I heard a distant happy birthday. I chuckled.

“Tell Sarah thanks and hello.” He relayed the message. My brother had been going out with Sarah since high school. Originally her and I were close friends but when she started hooking up with my brother, we kind of drifted. It was all good though she introduced me to Rachel, however that didn’t really end well.

“So what's this favour you speak of?” I hesitated. “Hello?”

“I’m still here, you remember Jane from last night?”

“How could I forget, you guys practically eye fucked all night, then groped each other on the dance floor while attempting to swallow each other’s tongue.” I blushed. “You need her number?” He laughed.

“Yes please.” I grabbed a pen and my notepad from off my night table as I waited. He came back and rattled off the number.

“Sarah wants to talk to you.”

“Bye big brother.” He was only older by two minutes but this was a game we played.

“Later lil sis.” Was followed by a breathy female voice.

“Hey Quin so I heard you got laid last night.” I smiled always straight to the point that one. One of the reasons we drifted was because I thought I was in love with her for the longest time. It was impossible not to be she was so fun and carefree not to mention drop dead gorgeous.

“I could say the same for you.” She giggled. Then her tone turned serious. “Glad to see you’re finally over Rachel.” She paused. “Maybe when you're ready you can come hang we miss you.”

The problem with me breaking up with Rachel was our friendship circles were interconnected. Of course, it would be since she was dating my former best friend Jacky. I frowned. My friends decided to do the mature thing and not pick sides opting to still hang out with both of us albeit separately. I saw it as a huge insult, and maybe I was being an immature baby but seeing them together at the bar cuddling three weeks after we broke up while everyone sat around like that was the new normal, further splintered my already broken heart. Of course, Sarah and everyone else apologized. But it was too late I cut them all off. Except for Sarah, she wouldn’t let me. Besides how could I cut her off, she was engaged to Eddie.

“Maybe.” I said noncommittally.

“Ok well think about it. I better go…” She felt bad. My brother even talked to me a few times about forgiveness and all that. Forgiveness is hard and I’m just not a big enough person. “Happy birthday and please stop ignoring my calls.” I didn’t do it often only when I knew she wanted to hang out with the gang like for my birthday.

“I’m sorry,” I meant it. “maybe you and I can meet up tomorrow.”

“I’d like that. Bye.” I hung up and stared at my notepad. My misgivings dissolved and

I smiled. I was going to call her but after my shift tonight it would give me something to look forward to.

Jane

I spent the morning cleaning my room and trying not to think about her.

I still lived in my parents basement so my room was more like a fully furnished 1000 sq feet underground apartment complete with living area bathroom and bedroom. It was hard to move when living was this comfortable. I had it a lot better than many my age and I got along really well with my parents. My parents were gone for the weekend upstate somewhere. Their love was burning strong even after 25 years. I choose to do this today precisely because I knew they’d be absent. Today was momentous because by the end of the day I would be dead. The knowledge of what I was going to do left me feeling apathetic, unsurprisingly. Unsurprising because most days I felt nothing. I had been planning this for about a month and when my mom booked their hotel that set the plan in motion.

I closed my eyes and saw her. I shook away the image. I couldn’t let a good fuck distract me especially since it would likely lead to nowhere. With my room clean I poured the contents of my pill bottle on my bed and counted. I had about 50 pills at 5mg a pill a dose of 250mg would do the trick, I hoped. I couldn’t really find any information online.

I had stopped taking my medication a month ago after I decided to do this. I had also stopped going to my therapist. The same therapist my parents didn’t know I was seeing. The same therapist who diagnosed me with bipolar type II. It’s not that I didn’t believe my diagnosis, on the contrary when she told me it was like a puzzle piece slotting into place. It felt true. I didn’t tell my parents because I didn’t want them to worry and hover. They were already concerned. I didn’t want to add to their overflowing plate. This day was inevitable I was broken. Imagine how much harder it would be if they knew. I put the pills back in the bottle.

I resisted the urge to call her brother and ask him for her number. I laid back on my bed. I could say goodbye. I mused before quickly squashing the thought.

Last night was unexpected. Unexpected because I didn’t expect to feel. My intention was a nameless, faceless fuck that was purely self-gratifying and nothing else. Last night was so much more. It was an experience. I yearned to see her again, to touch her, to taste her. But I couldn’t put my plans on hold because of a good fuck. Who am kidding? She was more than that. I actually cared about her enjoyment, in fact last night was all about her. She was just so sexy and so responsive I shivered. I set my alarm for ten. I was exhausted, I had been up all night. She had me second guessing things. It was stupid. If I stayed and tried to date her it would only be a matter of time before she saw the real me and things fell apart. Then where would that leave me? Back here, so might as well get on with it. My eyelids drooped as sleep threatened to overtake me. I was doing that a lot lately sleeping long hours during the day, staying up all night. Now when I woke up later it would be my last time then I will sleep forever.

Quin

My shift started at 7pm and it was pretty uneventful but that could always change.

“You gonna tell us about that eyesore on your neck Quin?”

We were relaxing in lounge with our heavy jackets off waiting for the next call. Lara addressed me tightening her ponytail. Lara was tall, that was the first thing everyone noticed about her. She was also incredibly strong since there was more of her.

“Eyesores plural.” Josh chimed in.

He sat to my right pretending to read a magazine. I rubbed the back of my neck and rolled my eyes. I felt myself blushing. Josh chuckled. His sandy brown hair falling forward. All the nurses called him dream boat Josh.

“I think her dry spell has ended.”

“So who’s the lucky gal?” Lara smirked.

“It doesn’t matter, you wouldn’t know her.” She pouted.

“You're no fun.” Josh laughed shaking his head.

Just then the radio cackled. A cloud of austerity fell over us as the dispatcher listed off the details. Female, possible suicide, and the address. Fuck I always hated suicides, the utter despair and desperation always got to me and you never knew what you’d be walking into. I put aside my thoughts we grabbed our jackets and briskly exited the lounge into the main wing of the hospital. Before long we were at our parked ambulance. Josh was driving tonight. Lara sat up front I was in the back with the stretcher. With the siren on we arrived at the given address in no time. The door was unlocked that was a good sign inside the house was pitch black.

“Hello paramedics.” Lara called out. The house remained dead silent. I felt a sense of

dread. “Let's split up. I’ll take upstairs, Josh main floor, Quin basement. We nodded and began our sweep turning on lights as we went. I found the door that led to the basement. Heavy percussion driven music wafted up the stairs.

“Guys I think there’s someone down here.” I said into my radio.

I took the stairs down not waiting for a response. I forged ahead kit in hand. I quickly checked the kitchen and bedroom then I heard the sound of running water. My speed increased. I pushed open the bathroom door. A mess of dripping curly was slumped forward that was all I could see. I couldn’t see the victim’s face; their body was submerged in the tub. An eerie feeling crawled up my spine there was a sense of familiarity about all this. I just couldn’t put my finger on it. Deciding to push aside the weirdness, I moved quickly. The body was sinking into the tub and it was clear they were unconscious. I turned off the water unplugged the drain then I tilted the victim’s head back. My world came to a screeching halt. It was her. I heard Lara and Josh run into the bathroom. With my heart pounding I did my job it was time to save her. I checked her vitals. Strong pulse but her breathing was depressed I pulled out an oxygen mask and attached it to her face. Josh had the stretcher ready. Lara and I lifted her out of the tub and placed her on it. She was so cold; her lips had a bluish tint. We wrapped her in heavy blankets and strapped her in. As we made our way up the basement stairs, we heard sirens and saw flashing lights.

“I’ll talk to them you guys go.”

“Josh I’ll stay in the back...with her.” His professional masked slipped, sympathy filled his chocolate brown eyes. Instead of saying anything he simply nodded.

Once she was secured in the back, Josh sped off. Lara radioed us before we reached the hospital.

‘I found an empty bottle of barbiturates at the scene I gave it to the cops.’

Josh passed along the information. I looked down at her checking her vitals every two minutes. I brushed the hair off her face. Even with the breathing mask and a grayish tinge to her skin. She was beautiful. My heart twisted in my chest. I should've called her.

Quin

The E.R. nurses took over as soon as we got her off the back of the ambulance. I started to follow when Josh pulled my arm back. Concern still splashed across his features.

“Who is she?” He asked in a low voice.

“I just met her, last night.” He glanced at my hickies.

“Jesus.” He hissed.

“I was gonna call her after this shift…” I trailed off.

“Take the rest of the night off I’ll talk to Lara.” I nodded numbly.

I couldn’t find her. Once she stabilized, they moved her to her own room I just needed to figure out where that was. I spotted Jess, one of the emerge nurses. I called out to her.

“What Quin I’m busy.” She snapped.

Jess kinda hated me. Immediately after dumping Rachel I tried to rebound with Jess. Tried being the operative word. We were making out in an empty stairwell 2 hours after my break up. Things were leading to... more... but something happened when her hand brushed against my sex. I froze, freaked and fled, in that order. Yep, totally not embarrassing. Needless to say, due to my shame I didn’t call her and avoided her for a month after. I took her bitterness in stride.

“You're always busy.” She was fitting an elderly unconscious patient with an I.V. “What. Do. You. Want.” She enunciated. I ignored her clipped tone.

“You know that Jane Doe I brought in with Josh, I need to know what room she’s in.”

“Why?” She turned to me putting her hand on her hips.

“Please Jess.” There must've been something in my expression because she sighed and her features softened. Jess had arresting strawberry blonde hair. After the way things happened or rather didn’t happen between us, she had absolutely no reason to help me. I always regretted the way things played out between us.

“Alright. Come.” I followed her inside the nurses station. She went to one of the computers and quickly typed a few things. “She’s in D ward room 20.” I nodded.

“Thanks Jess.” My body sagged in relief. She was a good person that’s what

attracted me in the first place.

“She’ll be okay, she’s stable. If you have an I.D. we could call her loved ones.”

“Her first name is Jane.” I exited nurses station running I didn’t want her to wake up alone.

Quin

She was already awake by the time I got there and was being questioned by the on call psychiatrist. My palms were sweaty, fuck I was nervous what if she didn’t want to see me. The doctor spotted me as he left the room.

“Quin.” He was a friend of my brothers.

“Hey Dave. How’s it going?”

“It’s alright, busy.” He shrugged. “You know how it is.” He nodded towards the glass.

“Friend of yours?” I nodded.

“Yea I brought her in.” He rested his palm on my shoulder briefly. I appreciated his show of support.

“She’s doing well all things considered, she’s just a little disoriented. You can go in she probably needs a friend.” I nodded. Right a friend. I swallowed.

“Nice talking to you, tell Edward I said hi.” He continued down the hall.

Jane

Somehow I had miscalculated and now I was here. I groaned my head felt funny and my mouth was seriously numb. One of the side effects of pills. But I had taken them so long ago. I looked up trying to find a clock. I saw a figure through the glass on the other side of the door. Familiar blue green eyes and champagne blonde hair. I tensed immediately. She unlocked the door and strode in. Ah she was a paramedic that was evident by the uniform. Her eyes swept over me but she said nothing. For a few moments we stayed like that neither one of us speaking. I felt a flutter in my stomach. I couldn’t tell if I was nervous or nauseous. She looked so much taller in her uniform. And broader more authoritative. I shamelessly drunk in the sight. What’s wrong with me? Oh right.

“Hey.” I broke the ice. Unable to stand the silence.

“Hey yourself.” Her voice sounded raw.

“I guess you heard.” I tried to smile but it was more like a grimace. She paused, her eyes never leaving my face.

“I was there first.” She said evenly. Her eyes were stormy it almost took my breath away. She found me. If I was someone else I would be embarrassed or at least feel shame. Instead I felt nothing, business as usual I suppose.

“Um thanks?” Her features hardened.

“You still want to die. Don’t you.” I said nothing. “Why did you call 911?

“I didn’t want my parents to find me.” Her jaw twitched. We barely knew each other she shouldn’t care.

“You planned this.” Another statement another twitch. I stared at her. “Are they gonna hold you?”

“48 hours involuntarily.” I sighed.

She nodded shrugging out of her jacket and draping it across a chair that was beside my bed. I couldn’t help but notice her tight navy cotton shirt that was tucked into her pants and the way it hugged her curves. I made a mental note of the lack of physical reaction. I just liked the view. She sat in the chair.

“Probably on the psych ward. They’ll recommend you stay longer.”

“I’m only staying 48 hours.” I looked away and stared at the ceiling.

“You tried to kill yourself.”

“Big fucking deal! Why are you even here?” I snapped. This was confusing I mean all we did was fuck.

“Because I care about-“

“We just met.” I cut her off. I refused to look at her I was suddenly tired.

“It would be nice to get to know you. I can’t get last night out of my head…”

Her voice broke. I didn’t look at her. I flipped over onto my other side turning away from her completely. “It meant something to me.” She spoke quietly, but the message was clear. After twenty minutes of silence I heard the door open then close.