Wake Me Up Inside - 3. Chapter 3

Quin

I waited 4 days to call her. I knew full well that she wouldn’t have her phone for 48

hours and if she chose to stay after that then someone might bring it for her. Truth be told I spent every second of those 4 days thinking of her. When I did sleep, I dreamt about pulling her out of murky waters. Sometimes it was a pond, but most times it was a tub. Either way I woke up covered in sweat. Josh informed Lara about what happened and Lara gave me two weeks off. She would mark it as a much needed vacation. The problem with that was I was sitting at home not sleeping just worrying. Well mostly sitting at home but always worrying.

Last night I met up with Sarah. She took me to a trendy bar that was close by. She must’ve noticed the circles under my eyes that only seem to appear when I’m super stressed and not getting enough sleep. I also usually eat breakfast with her and my brother once a week and I had missed this week. I wasn’t ready to talk. I couldn’t. I mean I didn’t really know Jane at all really, and I had enough training to know better. But she seemed so happy. I just couldn’t understand. I can’t imagine how her family must feel. For the millionth time I thought back to the moment I moved her head back and realized it was her. It was disturbing. I’ve spent countless hours thinking about our time together. I wasn’t inexperienced but I couldn’t help thinking there were signs I had missed, maybe I could have intervened. It was foolish thinking that way, I couldn’t even get her to stay. Needless to say Sarah demanded answers. So I told her and predictably she offered her support. I was grateful. My brother stopped by this morning around 7 with a hug and some coffee.

“Are you gonna see her again?”

We were sitting on the couch around the coffee table nursing our coffees. Mine black, His drowning with cream and sugar.

“I want...I don’t think… honestly,” I sighed. “honestly I don’t think she wants me around…I get why.”

“Yeah.” He nodded. “But maybe she needs a friend, if there’s even a sliver of a chance. You can be there for her.” He shrugged. I sighed.

“Yea, I really do like her but I don’t know… I feel like a dick. Is it my place to get involved? Can I handle it? I mean I was supposed to get married six months ago.”

He polished off his coffee.

“This isn’t easy. Take it slow, feel it out, you’ll know how to proceed.” I let out a breath. “You’ve always been good at reading people and the situation don’t doubt yourself.” He looked at his watch. “Ahh fuck I gotta go.” He kissed me on the forehead. “Come over tonight I’ll make your fave.” I smiled I was grateful to have him in my corner.

Quin

After Eddie left I paced in my apartment for 45 mins before picking up my phone,

putting it down again and then picking it back up. Fuck I was nervous. My hands were shaking. Before I could second guess myself anymore. I dialed her number, she answered on the second ring.

“Hello?”

“Hey um Jane it’s Quin.” I heard some rustling and talking in the background.

“Hold on a sec.” A min later she came back. “Sorry I was having breakfast with my parents. You do realize it’s 8:35 right?.”

“So you're not in the hospital.” My heart sank I tried to keep my tone even.

“I stayed for 48 hours…Thanks, for everything.” Her voice was soft. She didn’t sound insincere this time. I didn’t know what to say so I said the only thing that I’ve wanted since our night together.

“I want to see you.” There was an uncomfortable pause. It didn’t help my nerves. She sighed.

“I don’t know if that's a good idea Quin.” Her tone was gentle, like a soft caress. I ran my hands through my hair in frustration. Ofcourse I came on too strong. I didn’t mean what I said in a sexual context.

“Sorry I meant that as a friend. If you need one.” God help me, I sounded desperate.

“What are you doing?” I knew what she was asking. Why was I still in her life? I couldn’t really answer that myself. I just didn’t want her to be in the place that caused her to hurt herself.

“Being a friend.” After almost a moment she replied. I sounded calm but my heart was racing.

“Fine, but I can be at your place in an hour.” With a click She was gone.

Jane

“Jane why did you try to hurt yourself.”

A prim looking doctor around my age sat across from me in one of the conference rooms on the ward. Her name was Dr. Merlot like the wine she said. I tried to smile anything to show I was well adjusted. She was cute in professional kinda way. She had long blonde hair, that was curled. Not as light as Quin’s, and blue eyes. She was slim and wearing a dark pencil skirt with a white dress shirt tucked into her skirt. Like I said she was cute. But not my type funny three days ago she would’ve been.

”Jane did you hear me?”

“Yes Sorry I stopped taking my meds and then I got depressed.”

The resident psych student, the other person in the room with us, tapped away on her laptop as I spoke. Natalie, she had introduced herself as. She was wearing jeans and a striped red and white shirt. She was also cute in a nerdy sort of way. Her dark frames accentuated that point. Once again she was no longer my type. Not that I was in a club or anything. They were here to measure my mental state not be ogled. I wasn’t ogling I was comparing. Why did she come stop by my room?

“Jane? Are you alright?”

“Yes sorry, what were you asking?”

“I was asking you why did you stop taking your meds?”

“I didn’t like how it made me feel, tired all the time” she nodded, the tapping intensified.

“You seem distracted.” Her voice was kind, coaxing. I said nothing the less I said the less she had to read into. “Why did you stop seeing Dr. Kryzak?”

“I missed a few sessions without cancelling in advance and I didn’t want to pay.” She quickly exchanged a look with her colleague. I bounced my knee. I was restless these doctors were nice but my stay was up. “When will I be able to go home? I feel better, stable.”

“As you know, at this point your stay is voluntary but I don’t think your stable Jane.

I’m worried that if we send you home you might harm yourself again.”

“I’m fine, I have a strong support system and I’ll go back to Dr. Kryzak.”

“And if you feel like harming yourself again?

“I’ll come back to emerge.”

I wanted out I was sick of the nurses asking me if I had any suicidal ideations twice a day. I was sick of the restrictions I wasn’t allowed visitors and I couldn’t leave the floor. I was slowly getting agitated. Neither of them seemed convinced or satisfied.

“We really think you should stay for at least a week but it’s your choice if you want to leave–”

“I do, want to leave.” I tried to hold back the firmness seeping into my tone.

“Alright, I hope you do decide to come back if you're in a desperate situation we can get your medication sorted. Also I suggest you contact Dr.Kryzak and make an appointment.” I nodded, smiling.

“Thank you.” I didn’t have any intention of doing those things.

Jane

I sort of remembered where her place was. I took the subway. Halfway there I had to

text her just to confirm. What was I even doing? I got to her swanky building, I don’t think I’ll ever get over how nice it is. The doorman buzzed me in after calling her. No turning back now, she knew I was here. I left the elevator and knocked on the door. It swung open immediately. A girl who wasn’t Quin answered. For one thing she had dark hair, brown eyes and lightly tanned skin. The opposite of Quin. She was however still gorgeous, in a classic sort of way. Very Penelope Cruz. I must've been staring because she raised her eyebrow and repeated her greeting.

“Hey um I’m here to see Quin.”

“Sure I’ll take you up. I’m Sarah.” I nodded and then I remembered this is where I said my name.

“Jane.”

“You know Quin should’ve told you about the buzzer by the door. That way she would’ve gotten you, not that I mind.”

“Um ok.” I was becoming more nervous as the seconds trickled by. It didn’t take long

to reach the staircase leading to Quin’s floor. “Thanks” I mumbled then climbed up the stairs.

“It was nice meeting you.” I looked back. Her expression was open and kind. I felt the sense that she was safe. Weird. I’m not good at reading people, but Sarah was emanating warmth. I nodded and took the last few steps two at a time. I knew pity when I saw it.

Quin

I was sitting on the couch when I heard her coming. I rushed over to her meeting her at the top of the stairs.

“Sarah let me in.”

“Oh I should've told you about the buzzer.”

“That’s ok.” She looked around. I had done my best to clean and shower before her arrival. The place just looked slightly less messy, at least there weren’t any dirty dishes strewn about. “So you wanted to see me, here I am.” Her voice sounded flat. I wanted to hug her then. I just stared she was wearing a loose off the shoulder grey tee. Ripped black jeans and docs probably the same ones. Her hair was pulled up into a puff on top of her head. I hated myself for noticing how cute she looked. I felt like a bum next to her. I could tell that she was tense.

“Do you want a drink?” I offered remembering my manners.

“I can’t my meds.”

“I meant nonalcoholic.” I smiled. It helped knowing she was taking something she was prescribed. It made me feel better. She was trying. I got two water bottles out of the fridge, moved over to the couch, placed the water on the coffee table before sitting down. I patted the space beside me.

“Is this a hook up?” I frowned. “I’m not opposed if this is...”

“It’s not.” I sighed. “You don’t think much of me do you?” I looked away from her. I heard her moving then I felt the couch sink. She sat at the other end.

“I don’t know you.” she had a good point. “And to be honest I don’t have much faith in people in general.”

“So I’m not special?” I smiled.

“No not really.” She said returning the gesture. Silence ensued as my heart pounded in my chest. I tried to look relaxed as I took a swig of my water.

“Why don’t you trust people?” She was looking straight ahead.

“Isn’t that a little personal?” I rolled my eyes, more to myself.

“I think we’re past that. How about we play a game, for every question I ask you, you can ask me one.”

“20 questions?” I nodded. “What if I don’t want to answer?”

“How about 10 questions, you can skip 3.”

“Okay. I’ll go first. What do you want from me?” I smiled. I figured that would be her first question.

“The truth is I think you need a friend.” She raised a brow. I took that as a sign telling me to elaborate. “I see a lot, as a paramedic. When it comes to attempts it’s usually worse but I just can’t shake the image of you in that tub...Maybe it’s because of our hook up the night before.”

“That’s most likely it.” To my surprise, she was willing to talk about the subject. Yea...well to answer your question honestly, I want to be there for you...in whatever capacity you can handle. I don't expect anything in return.” This wasn't about me but I felt exposed. “My turn. “Was it your first attempt?”

“Yes. How can you afford such a nice place?” I laughed.

“My parents have money.” I changed the subject. “What made you do it?”

“Pass.” I tried not to let my disappointment show, maybe that was too personal.

“Are you seeing anyone?”

“No.” I watched her long hands wrap around her water bottle and bring it to her lips. She smirked when she caught me staring. I blushed.

“Are you getting help?”

“Pass.” I guess my line of questioning was closed. “When was your last serious relationship?” I sighed.

“Six months ago. My ex cheated on me with my best friend.” Might as well get it out.

“Ouch.”

“Yep. When was yours?”

“I’ve never had one.”

“How old are you?”

“Isn’t it my turn?” She flashed me a grin. My heart melted. “Are you still friends with your ex and your best friend?”

“No. How old are you?” She smiled. My stomach fluttered. “Guess.”

“22?”

“26.”

“How old are you?” A slow smile spread across my lips.

“Guess.” She sighed dramatically, the corners of her lips tilted up.

“Hmmm maybe 25.”

“27. Why haven't you ever been in a relationship?”

“I’m just not relationship material.”

“Bullshit.” She shrugged.

“Have you ever had a crush on Sarah?”

“Sarah? my brother’s fiancé?”

“I think I just wasted a question.”

“Too bad.”

“She looks like Penelope Cruz.”

“I know right, yes I had the biggest crush on her in high-school and some of university.”

“Did you and her ever…?”

“Ha no, and that counts as a question.” she pouted. “She’s been with my brother since high school and I was also in a relationship for a lot of that. It was harmless, the crush. Have you ever been in love?” I blushed immediately regretting my question. She was momentarily stunned.

“Wow um…”

“Sorry I-“

“It’s ok. Thanks for asking really personal questions by the way.”

“You’re welcome and you’re stalling.”

“Just deciding if this is worth a pass.” I was intrigued. She smiled coyly. “Yes, just once.” I wanted to know more but I figured I would save that for another day. “What about you?”

“I thought I was.”

“Your ex?”

“Yup.” I reached for my water bottle. “I’ve lost count.”

“Two more each. When did you lose your virginity?” I almost choked on my water. She grinned. “You can pass if you can’t handle it.” She waggled her eyebrows.

“At 17. When was your first kiss?”

“Girl or guy?” I shrugged.

“Whichever.”

“13. Derek Molner. Ok last question. When was your first serious relationship?”

“17.” Her eyebrows furrowed.

“The same person you lost your virginity to?”

“Technically you’ve run out of questions but yes it was the same person.” She digested that for a moment.

“Was your first your most recent ex?”

“Yes.” I admitted.

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s ok I’m over it. So this is the last question.”

“Finally.” She smirked.

“Whatever you enjoyed this.”

“I did,” my face heated up. “What’s the question?”

“How do you feel?”

“Gawd are you a therapist?” I shrugged defeated knowing she would say pass. She eyed me then spoke softly. “I have bipolar type II. I’m looking for a new therapist but I’ll switch once the depression is under control. Most of the time I feel numb but right now I don’t.” She looked away.

“Thanks for sharing that.” She shrugged. “Hey stay for lunch.” I looked at the clock it was almost 12. “Unless you have somewhere to be…” I stood up. She followed and raised her arms above her head. Her shirt rode up revealing a sliver of smooth brown skin.

“Nope, nowhere to be.” She smiled my heart thudded in my chest. “What?” She asked dropping her arms. I quickly looked away as my face coloured. I walked over to the kitchen and began pulling items out of the fridge.