Wake Me Up Inside - 4. Chapter 4

Jane

We made sandwiches side by side in comfortable silence. Every once in awhile my arm brushed hers. It took everything in me not to react. She was trying to do the right thing and even though it annoyed me I was compelled to stay. I didn’t know what to do with her concern and I didn’t understand her motives. We sat down around the coffee table with our deluxe cold cut sandwiches.

“So you just want to be friend?” I took a bite from my sandwich. It was good. Better than expected. These cold cuts were quality. I moaned, it was delectable.

“Glad you like it.” She smirked. “I never usually have food. Mostly I just eat at Eddie’s. He got the cooking gene.”

“Well this is damn good.” She laughed.

“It’s just a sandwich. You mostly made it.” She cleared her throat. “To answer your question… I think it would be good if we just kept things PG between us.”

“What makes you think I want PG? I’m not really looking for friends.” I finished my sandwich and turned to face her our knees almost touched.

“Should I be trying to get into your pants right after you tried to...hurt yourself?” I sighed.

“If that’s what I need..”

“What do you need?” Her voice incredibly serious. Her eyes searched my face.

“I don’t need to be treated with kid gloves. I’m not delicate and I know what I want.”

Our eyes failed to break contact. “This thing between us…” I reached for her hand and felt a shock. “why can't we have both? A friendship that’s a little bit more.”

“Define a little more.” Her voice was a seductive whisper. Her eyes darkened. I

shivered.

“Nothing serious, just maybe sometimes we can have a little fun.” She let out a breath. Then let go of my hand.

“Fuck I want to…” Her voice took on a throaty quality. “I just don’t think-”

“Stop thinking.” I leaned into her. “We both need to forget things, you can forget your ex and I can move on from my...indiscretion.”

“Indiscretion? You tried to end your life.” Her gaze was heated but maybe for a different reason. She stood up, ran her hands through her hair, pacing back and forth. “Numbing your pain or whatever with sex is risky behaviour.” I raised an eyebrow.

“Who said I’m in pain?”

“O ok so you acted out of happiness.” I walked over to her placed my hands at her waist stilling her movements.

“Ok more like desperation. I was sick of drifting of being numb. With you I feel.”

“Then why didn’t you stay?”

“I wanted to.” I admitted. “But it’s easier to walk away.” She scoffed. “I had a plan I felt committed. I didn’t think I’d ever see you again. I didn’t think you’d want to.”

“I asked you to stay.”

“In the moment, things change once you get to know me.” She looked at me pointedly. I looked away, feeling vulnerable.

“So what now, what if you feel that way again?” I shrugged. “Will you call me?”

“You don’t want to deal with all of this.”

“I’m offering. That means I want to be there.”

“For now.”

“Always.” I shivered. My eyes zeroed on her plump strawberry pink lips. She took a

step back out of my reach. I sighed.

“I should get going.” She sighed.

“I’ll walk you out.” My heart sank, I felt rejected. We walked in silence down the stairs.

Jane

“So I’ll see you around.” We were on opposite sides of the door.

“Definitely.” Her voice soft her expression troubled. I turned to leave. Her cool fingers wrapped around my forearm pulling me back. “I just want to do the right thing.” She pulled me into her. We were chest to chest. Our lips inches apart. I shivered in anticipation. “You have no idea how much I want you. I just…” Her eyes dropped before looking directly into my soul. I was overwhelmed. Warmth slowly trickled throughout my body. My fingers itched to touch her. “I just want to do this right. I want to get to know the real you, all of you.” Her hand reached out and stroked my cheek. I closed my eyes getting lost in her touch. “Your interesting and beautiful. I want to see what’s there.” She dropped her hand. My eyes snapped open. My breathing was heavy and my cheek tingled where she touched me.

“I should…” I found my voice. “I should go. My parents don’t know I’m gone and they’ve probably been calling and texting. They’ve been checking up on me.” I took a shaky step back and a deep breath.

“Makes sense.” She nodded. It physically hurt to turn and walk down the hall towards the elevator. I willed myself not to look behind me. I’ve never had strong willpower.

Quin

I closed the door and immediately collapsed against it. So much for just being friends. My body hummed with desire. Fuck. My heart hammered in my chest. I took a deep breath to clear my head. She’s hurt she needs a friend not someone perving on her. I sighed, shaking me head. I looked up and saw Sarah sitting at the kitchen counter staring at me. I eased up off the door and walked over to her before sitting across from her.

“That was fucking hot.”

“You’ve been sitting here the whole time?”

“Nope. Just showed up when things got interesting.” She grinned. “You okay?” Her expression filled with concern.

“Yea.” I let out a breath. I spoke after a moment. “I think I’m fucking this up. She doesn’t need a relationship and I sure as hell don’t, but…”

“You still want her.” I nodded my body still flooded with yearning. My face heated up.

“I’m such an ass.” I ran my hands through my hair.

“No your not, from what I heard you were offering support and friendship. Sort of, mostly.” I groaned. “You didn’t offer to have sex with her, you told her your intentions.” She furrowed her brow.

“What? What’s that look?”

“It’s just I felt the sexual tension and I’m way the hell over here. Sooner or later this thing will turn into more. I mean you’ve already slept together.”

“What should I do? My own selfishness makes me want to be near her. At the same time I want to be an ally. I fear that if I’m around her I won’t have any control.”

“What does she want?” Sarah looked at me intently.

“To drown her sorrows with sex.” Sarah raised a brow.

“Probably not the healthiest thing.” Sarah was a practicing psychoanalyst. Lucky for me that meant free advice.

“Right. What would you do?” She sighed.

“You’re not gonna like this but honestly the best thing to do in my opinion, is to give her space let her know you’re available if she needs it. Talk to her on the phone, text whatever. Just avoid situations where both of you can end up giving in to the mutual attraction. Go to coffee shops, be in public. Let her take the lead. She’ll let you know when she’s better and then who knows…”

“Your advice sucks how are you even a therapist?” I moaned. She laughed.

“Come out with me tomorrow night, you need to get out.”

“Who’ll be there?” I already knew the answer. She hesitated.

“Everyone including Rachel and Jen.” My two exes. Surprisingly I felt nothing. No pang of betrayal, no bitter anger, nothing. It was nice. That didn’t mean I wanted to watch them parade their relationship in front of me. “Aren’t you over Rachel?” I frowned.

“Yes.”

“Then prove it come out with us. You know you’ll have fun.” I paused.

“Ok.” She blinked in surprise.

“Damn I’m good.” I got up and headed towards the stairs.

“No not really. Just persistent.” Her laugh trailing behind me as I climbed the stairs to my suit.

Jane

When I got home my parents were waiting for me in my room. I had texted my dad as soon as I left Quin’s building. I slipped into the house through the side door that led straight down to the basement, my domain.

“Jane honey, we’re in here.” My mom’s voice rang through the basement. I followed her voice to my bedroom, leaning against the door frame as waited. It was obvious they had something to tell me.

I looked nothing like my mother. She has long straight hair that hung past the middle of her back. She’s also short, about 5’2 and very soft and curvaceous. I was more like my dad. Taller and thin. Both my parents were pushing 60 and they definitely didn’t look it. Dad’s hair was very salted with greys. Whereas my mom dyed her hair like clockwork every 3 months to a nice chestnut brown.

I waited for either one of them to begin. My father fixed me with an unreadable expression, where as my mom’s was of disquiet. She broke the silence.

“Honey, where did you go after breakfast?” I looked away.

“I met up with a friend.”

“Who?” My dad asked. They both knew I’ve never been a social butterfly and I’ve really done a good job of alienating myself over the last couple years. I frowned.

“I have friends.”

“Honey...” Her voice soft and her eyes filled with pity.

“We need to talk about what happened.” My father was having as much trouble as I was. When they picked me up from the hospital I had refused to talk. They tried asking me questions in the car and I silently stared out the window. Eventually they gave up, deciding to give me space. I was relieved, until now.

“Nothing to talk about.” I mumbled kicking at the carpet with my socked feet.

“Why didn’t you tell us about your diagnosis?” My father looked hurt.

“Or that you were seeing a therapist?”

“I didn’t want you to worry.” They said nothing for a moment. My heart clenched.

Their pain was palpable. I felt cold. It was like I was having an emotional out of body experience. Like I was witness to their pain from above. I recognized it, I understood it, I even acknowledged it. I just didn’t feel anything in response. They shouldn’t care. I’m my own person it was my choice.

“Knowing and worrying is always better than the alternative.” My mother’s voice wobbled slightly. She coughed and my dad rubbed her back. Sometimes being around them evoked a kind of loneliness. They had the kind of relationship I’d probably never have.

“I’m sorry.” I sighed. “At the time I thought I was making the right decision.” They exchanged a look.

“We want to be apart of your life. Maybe things wouldn’t feel so hard if you could come to us.” I frowned. The sentiment was nice but they wouldn’t understand.

“I won’t keep big things from you guys anymore.” My mom gave a small sad smile and nodded. My dad didn’t seem convinced. He was always really good at reading me.

“Okay so…” I was ready to reclaim my space.

“We want you to let us know when your going out.” I opened my mouth to protest. My dad continued. “We just want to know when you leave and when you're back you can even text. This isn’t permanent it’s just until your stable. Also, we’ve taken what’s left of your pills.”

“Your an adult we’re not trying to cramp your style, we just want to know you’re okay.”

“Fine, I guess.”

“I have a friend who’s a psychiatrist he scheduled you in for Monday at 11.” Dad finished. My chest felt tight. I was suffocating. My mom stood up and pulled me into a tight hug.

“We just want what’s best for you.” I said nothing.

“We love you, so much. We’re sorry we didn’t notice your pain.” My dad moved over to us and stroked my hair. This was too much, it was emotional overload. My heart raced. My hands were clammy I felt boxed in. Shit I was having a panic attack. I gasped.

“It’s ok honey just breathe.” My mother took a step back.” I burned with humiliation as fat tears streamed my cheeks.

“I don’t know what’s wrong with me.” I sniffled. I felt so small.

“It’s ok honey. Get some rest.” My mom wiped a tear from my cheek and kissed me. I swallowed.

“We’ll be upstairs let us know if you need anything.” I nodded and collapsed on the bed as soon as they left.