Brandon Smiling: From the Billy Chase Chronicles (2) - 10. Entry 10

Monday

Ugh, just this morning before school I remembered I have a history presentation to do!

Oh, noes!

Can I tell you how much I hate getting up in front of people and doing things? One of my private nightmares is being made to take Drama and do plays in front of audiences! By now, Nameless Hacker, you should know me well enough to figure that I, pretty much, can’t stand being the center of attention. Particularly, when it comes to my fellow High School ‘peers’.

One of the many things I admire about Chandler is his being the exact opposite of me when it comes to making a complete spectacle out of himself. I mean . . . he sings in front of people . . . on purpose!

WHY would anyone put themselves through that?

I feel completely naked up there when I’m in front of everybody and I’m being made to stand there and ‘perform’! Why do schools do this to people like me? Can’t they teach a course in how to avoid being put in a spotlight?

What’s worse about being made to present is that then you know you are being judged for it! Not only are you being unofficially judged by your fellow students who may laugh at you, but you are officially being judged by the teacher too! The teacher who holds your grade hostage in his hands and will shoot it if you don’t tap dance for him as fast as you can . . . and perfectly!

Honestly, I might just let myself flunk history then. Fuck it. They win. They found my kryptonite. Maybe, he’ll let me do a paper or something to make up for my failure at public speaking, but that would be merciful. I don’t think anyone working at that school has any mercy in them.

So, I did my best to prepare today. The presentation is this afternoon so I have to hurry up about getting ready for it. I’m doing it about General MacArthur who did the Pacific Theater of World War II or whatever. I really don’t care. I just want it to be over.

I was at it all day today between classes, mostly making copies of a few more pictures and bits of information that I could, sort of, hopefully, let them do the talking for me. The sad thing is, if that stupid Mr. West had just let this be a paper instead of a presentation, I might have enjoyed the assignment. MacArthur’s life and what he did was fascinating reading! But, God forbid anyone should take any joy in their work!

But for every cloud, a silver lining - as the old saying goes. While I was in the middle of my private nightmare, I ran into Billy. We just exchanged some small talk, but it was enough of a dose of his positive energy to keep me going today. I was sad that I was so rushed to get everything done. I would have loved to have had lunch with him and just shmoozed and spent time with him. But, alas, God forbid we should enjoy anything going on in our young lives at school on a Monday!

This is Brandon hating Mondays!

Tuesday

Well the presentation didn’t go as badly as I thought it would. I, basically, just rattled off everything I’d read about MacArthur and then Mr. West asked some questions to milk a little more out of me. That helped, actually, because he gave me something to talk to. I guess that’s what I’ll have to remember next time (God forbid that there should ever be a next time). I need ‘talking points’ I guess. That was Mr. West’s primary comment on my presentation. Most everyone else was just as lame as I was so that made me feel a little better.

Anyway, with that out of the way, I was able to go back to obsessing over Billy - my favorite pastime! Today, I thought more about Billy and Jimmy actually going together to the party on Saturday. For some stupid reason, I’d not put two and two together on that reality! They came T O G E T H E R!

Ok, duh! So, they came together. Lots of friends go to things together! Why should them going to a party together be weird? I don’t know. There was just something about the way they were acting -together- that made it a question in my head later. Except for Melissa coming up to stroke Billy’s wounded heart over Sam and Joanna, there wasn’t much ‘girl action’ going on with him during the whole party! He seemed more interested in sticking with me and then Jimmy sticking, like glue, to him throughout the whole thing. This while Jimmy is Out and Proud and, obviously, in love with Billy!

Ok, this is what I need to know from all of this - are Billy and Jimmy boyfriends? It would mean so much for me to know! I’ve actually got to know! It would mean that Billy is, in fact, Gay and, although already taken, a possibility!

No, I have no intention of breaking them up just so I can get at Billy! That would be, what’s the word? Despicable! Yeah . . . that’s what it would be. BUT!!!! If, for some reason, they break up then . . . then I might be able to make my move on Billy!

So, there it is. I want to know what’s going on between those two. But, I’ve got to do it in such a way as to not either frighten Billy away or to seem too interested. I’m still trying to fly under the Gaydar, dude! I don’t want to Out myself to Billy if I can help it. I . . . can’t trust him enough for that yet . . .

. . . sadly.

So, Billy came looking for me today (💖) and, of course, I wasn’t hard to find being the creature of habit that I am. We chit-chatted a bit about this and that - how the party was and that sort of thing. I found certain people funny there, especially the ‘dancers’. So did Billy. I’ll be honest, I’ve got to admire the balls on some of those guys out there. They may not know what they are doing, but they do it anyway - with or without a partner! I was particularly jacked to hear how happy Billy was that I went. He really was looking forward to me being there! (💞).

But soon, with all that aside, came my moment of truth: “So you and Jimmy - So...you guys came together?”

“UM...yeah. And with a couple of friends of his.” Billy said simply, though that bit of stress on the ‘um’ part made me wonder, was he surprised at my question or was that just a nice way of saying ‘duh, of course we came together! Why do you care?’ Hmm, why indeed?

I kept it cool, trying not to look like I cared all that much. Trying to make out that this was part of our ‘chit-chatting’ and not the deep interrogation that it was! Hehehe!

“So, is he still gay?” I braved pressing the dagger home! What I was implying had to be pretty clear to anyone I was asking. Teen logic suggests, ‘if your buddy is Gay and you go somewhere together with said Gay buddy then, ergo, you must be Gay yourself’!

‘Just cop to it Billy! Let’s get this dance over with! It’s killing me!’ I pleaded with Billy inside of my fool head.

But, all I got was a little head nod, like it was nothing to Billy. Oooooo! AARGH! That boy could frustrate Mother Theresa into mass murder!

Flustered, I tried to come up with something. So, I said it was ‘cool’ or whatever! Again, Billy seemed to be winning at this little verbal fencing match of ours! It was like he didn’t even know he was in a fencing match! How was I supposed to pull out his deepest darkest secrets if he wasn’t going to play the game right?

Feeling like I seemed to be losing this tug-of-war match, I tugged a little harder: “It's cool that he came Out about it, right? I mean . . . cause it doesn't make much difference. I mean, I don't have a problem with it. I mean . . . if you were gay, I wouldn't care. Like . . . if I were gay, you and me would still be tight, right?” There! That was just about as close to ‘Hey, Billy! I’m Gay too and wouldn’t you like to come over and umph it up with me on the couch this afternoon?’ as I was going to get today.

But . . . he just sat there for a few uncomfortable moments staring at my sweater! I knew then that I must have fucked up royally! I’d misread the whole thing. I’m done! I’m finished! Billy will hate me and . . .

Ok, I stopped myself and returned to some kind of reality before I gave myself a stroke. I added, just to be on the safe side, “I'm just speaking hypothetically, though.”

That seemed to wake Billy up from whatever creepy spell I’d just put on the poor guy. I did notice that he had quite a blush going on! It’s something Billy just can’t hide with those apple round cheeks of his. He totally can’t hide that blush!

I swore that he said this in one long babble like he’d been the one to fuck this whole weird conversation up: “No! Yeah. . .I know exactly what you mean. Like. . .it would be cool. If you were. I mean. . .if you were gay. Not that you . . . are. Just . . . I wouldn't care. Well, I'd care . . . because I like you . . . but . . . I mean . . . it wouldn't . . . like . . . matter or anything.”

Oh, wow! Now that was worth the pain of the whole uncomfortable previous part of the conversation! This was Billy, in the same goofed up babbling way I did, saying to me ‘Sure, Brandon! Come on over and I’ll umph your brains out!’

Maybe, I’m interpreting things wrong, but . . . I don’t think so! Billy’s blush only deepened and the shifting and jiggling of his leg only got more intense!

But, so as not to scare him away with anything else, I just changed the subject to how the lunch today in the cafeteria looked worse than prison slop. Billy almost seemed disappointed that we couldn’t continue our babble-fest, but I could tell by his stressed out vibes that he was giving off that our Gay conversation had gone on for long enough.

Right at this moment, I can’t think of anything better than actually making that ‘going over to your house and . . . ’ stuff a reality with Billy! Maybe, we wouldn’t get into ‘stuff’, but at least we could talk in private and possibly not have to talk in code like this. I’m certain that Billy had more to say on this, but I noticed he looked around a bit during our talk so I think he was worried about being overheard. I was so focused on him I’d actually forgotten all that and I was glad he remembered!

Some conversations are best done in private and away from prying ears attached to the almighty High School rumor mill.

Maybe I could get him to come over to my place? Lately, my Dad hasn’t gotten home until late. So, I’ve been left on my own for most of the evenings. Maybe, I could fix Billy my famous (to my Dad) spaghetti dinner Mama taught me how to make! It could be our first dinner ‘date’!

This is Brandon, the famous babbling spaghettifier!