Brandon Smiling: From the Billy Chase Chronicles (2) - 38. Entry 38

Monday

Well, I think that Sam and Joanna are quitsville. Not that I much care, mind you, since Sam can go fuck himself, but they were making quite the scene this morning.

My locker is only a few doors down from their’s and I had to get my books for First Period. So, I had ringside seats to their little lover’s tiff. It was something about Sarah Maxwell, a lovely girl that would definitely give Joanna a run for her money and a reason to be jealous.

Apparently, Sam had ‘dared’ to talk to Sarah and that was enough for Joanna to have a complete meltdown! God, what a drama queen! I mean, sheesh! But, maybe there’s more to this than just Sam talking to another girl, though. I get the feeling Sam can be a terrible flirt if he wants to be and he’s handsome enough to get the attention of just about any girl in that place.

I admit that despite the fact that he pisses me off because of his treatment of Billy, I can see how hot he is. If I wasn’t so obsessed with Billy who is ten thousand times hotter than Sam, I could see myself fantasizing about him a bit. He’s a blond-boy-next-door type that has this cuteness factor that’s hard to put your finger on. He’s…wholesome looking somehow. Like he’d never do anything to betray you. He’s, sort of, best friend for life material if that makes any sense. Too bad for Billy that Sam only looks the part. He sure doesn’t act it! Selfishly, I’m very glad that Sam was able to pry Joanna off of Billy, but for Billy’s sake, I hate how much Sam hurt him! It really tore Billy up something awful when Sam did that to him!

Anyone that hurts my Billy in any way deserves my undying hatred! Myself included!

But, that said, I did feel a little sorry for Sam today. No one needs a bitchy, self-entitled girlfriend to fly off the handle any time you happen to talk to another female. Joanna needs to seriously chill out if she hopes to hold on to any other guy clueless enough to want to date her. I’m sorry if that sounds mean, but it’s true! I don’t think some folks see how out of control they can get! I think they get away with it too much when they are little and it makes them feel like they have the right to blow up any time something doesn’t go their way.

Anyway, quitsville: Sam and Joanna. Maybe this will let Billy and Sam reunite. Maybe I don’t want that. Maybe I should, just, shut the hell up!

Speaking of shutting the hell up, Stevie was really quiet today. He usually has something to say about almost anything, but I could hardly get a peep out of him today. I asked what was wrong, but Stevie just shrugged it off and wouldn’t say any more.

That hurt a bit. I think of Stevie as a good friend if not my best friend. He’s, sort of, my ‘Sam’. We don’t get together nearly enough, but when we are together we make the most of it. Stevie is almost my alter ego. He’s practically the opposite of me in every way, but that difference makes us compatible somehow! We complement each other. He’s sort of my ‘brother from another’. So, it was unusual for him to be so closed off today. I offered to walk him to the bus he uses to get home, but he was almost angry that I wanted to do that. He got really defensive! It was…weird and not very ‘Stevie-like’ at all!

He apologized and everything about snapping at me, but he seemed so sad! It was real sadness too, not just ‘Emo’ sadness. If you aren’t Emo or friends with an Emo then you probably don’t know what the hell I’m talking about, but there’s a ‘thing’ there that they do. I don’t know how to explain it so I won’t try. It just IS, that’s all. This wasn’t that ‘thing’. This was something real and something deep and it worried me for Stevie today! It bugs me!

I hope he’s ok…

But, on to Billy.

He was so-ooo sweet today! He had a special twinkle in his eye when he first greeted me at lunch today. I felt myself blush seeing him after our phone conversation on Saturday. He was blushing too and that beautiful smile…never once left his face! Billy is beautiful beyond reason, dude! He is just…perfection! The color of his skin, the blush in his cheeks, the pink of his lips, and the coca-cola depths of his eyes! Like I’ve said before, a person could fall into them forever and drown!

We were quiet for long moments just…staring at each other, but I thought we would start looking too ‘weird’ if we kept doing that. So, I mentioned our phone call on Saturday: “I'm glad you called on Saturday, Billy. You were right. I was mad. I'm sorry, ok?” If it were possible, I think the brightness of Billy’s smile turned up a hundred more Watts! He told me it was ok again which made me feel better about everything I’d put him through the past week or so.

I can be such a bitch at times! I don’t know why. I need to change that about myself. Seriously!

I also have terrible timing. Just after I apologized again for my bitchiness, I blurted about having to go to Ashley’s wedding this coming weekend and that I’d be away for a whole week!

Awww! That beautiful bright smile just melted away like ice cream on a hot summer’s day. He was really taken aback by that news! He seemed extra disappointed somehow, like I’d messed up something he had planned!

I agree, this trip couldn’t be happening at a worse time! I’m sooo ready to come out to Billy that I could just pop! That smile and those blushes today told me volumes! His disappointment at my leaving told me volumes more! He’s, like, a little broken hearted that I’m going away! I could tell by how down he became after I told him. The sparkle left his eyes and his whole posture just sank and stayed that way while we finished our lunch in near silence.

Now, I’m left with a dilemma. Should I tell him this week or wait till after I’m back from San Diego to tell him? If I tell him right before leaving and then just leave him with that for a week, what would that do? It doesn’t seem to be a great idea! But, then again, if I did come out and tell him how I feel and he rejects me then, at least I’d have a week away from him to recover from the heartbreak…if I can recover from it, that is.

There’s that panic again! I tell you, my heart is beating so fast at the moment just writing this that I’m afraid it might stop! This is so scary doing this! Just thinking about it throws me into a fit!

I’m not ready! I’m not! I just, can’t right now! I don’t know what to do! I….

~

Ok, I was thinking of just deleting that whole last part, but I’m going to keep it. It will remind me what a chicken I am! Fuck it, Brandon! You’ve GOT to do this, whatever happens! It’s time!

But, it should be after I’m back. It wouldn’t be fair to Billy to drop that bomb on him and then just leave for a week! It will mean I may have time, again, to chicken out, but in all fairness, this is for Billy’s sake and not mine.

I’ve got to be strong and hold out until I’m done with this stupid trip.

This is Brandon, tripping.