Still You Want Me - 7. Chapter 7 - An Abrupt Departure

* * COLIN * *

Charles smiles as he hands me my favorite tea and a marionberry scone.

“Happy sixth month workiversary! I come bearing gifts for this monumental moment.”

I would’ve never expected anything for a work anniversary, especially an abysmal six months. I furrow my brow and question him.

“Is this real? Work anniversaries? Gifts for said anniversaries?”

“Sure, of course, it’s definitely real.”

He pauses and bashfully smiles.

“You know, it’s also our friendiversary.”

Charles has become my best friend. I have Natalie and a few friends from college that I still talk to, but Charles is my everyday person. It’s weird to think there was a time I thought I wouldn’t like him. Now I can’t imagine my life without him.

“Shit! I didn’t get you anything. Oh, wait a minute!”

I grab my wallet and pull out a punch card good for one free coffee from Brew’d Awakening. I smile teasingly at him.

“Here!”

He rolls his eyes but holds the card to his heart with both hands as he says.

“Aw, nothing says friendship like a full punch card. I shall cherish it forever.”

He smiles.

“Do you have plans with Jesse tonight or would you like to celebrate our anniversaries with a couple of drinks?”

“I don’t think we have any specific plans, but he leaves for Brazil tomorrow so I definitely want to spend time with him.”

I sip my delicious tea as he smirks and says.

“Duh! I forgot he’s leaving this weekend. Obviously you’ll be very busy tonight.”

I use my thumb and pointer finger to indicate a small amount.

“Maybe a little busy, but his flight leaves at nine minutes after seven tomorrow morning so there’ll be a reasonable amount of rest.”

“Why? He can sleep on the plane and you can sleep when you get back home.”

He winks and starts walking back to his desk.

“Wait.”

He turns at my request.

“What about lunch today?”

He holds up his sack lunch and waves it in the air.

“I don’t know, I packed a lunch today because I’m almost over budget for the month.”

The day after he told me he spends about four thousand dollars a month on food, he showed up with a sack lunch. He’s cut his spending in half, I still think two thousand dollars per month for food is a lot, but I’m proud of him for his big adjustments.

“We can eat our sack lunches together?”

“My desk or yours?”

“Why not the breakroom?”

He raises his eyebrows flirtatiously.

“This is our friendiversary date, the breakroom isn’t romantic at all.”

I laugh and wave him off.

“Fine, I’ll come to your desk.”

We’re still working on the Asia project and there’s been a few hiccups, but the project is mostly going better than expected. We’re getting a lot of positive feedback in that market and the number of production contracts are trending upward.

I received a lot of praise for my early work on the project, but Charlie recently added a dash of brilliance himself. Between our compatibility at work and our sensational duets during Karaoke, we’ve been dubbed the dream team by pretty much everyone. There’s a lot of truth to it because it’s easy for Charlie and me to click on almost all levels.

I sneak out of the office at eleven thirty because I want to do something for Charlie. There’s an organic grocery store four minutes from work, but they won’t have what I want. So, I walk eight minutes to a giant chain store and they have exactly what I’m looking for. I load a handbasket with all of the stuff I need then balk when the total is forty-two dollars and seventy-three cents. Happy fucking friendiversary, Charlie.

Who am I kidding, he’s totally worth it!

I’m back in the office by eleven fifty-three. This is cutting it close so I run to the breakroom where I’ve preheated the oven before I left so it’d be ready when I came back. I place the baking sheet into the oven, with all of the condiments in glass bowls, set the timer on my phone for seventeen minutes, and leave a note telling people to leave my shit alone. I make it back to Charlie’s desk at exactly twelve noon and he’s already eating his salad as he says to me.

“You look rushed.”

“I was finishing up a project and I didn’t want to be late for our anniversary date.”

I smirk and muster my most proper and professional voice.

“So, tell me, Charles. How have I most influenced you during these past six months of friendship? I know you could go on for days, but please limit your responses to the top three!”

I give him my flashiest smile. He laughs at me, rolls his eyes at my ridiculousness, and paraphrases while thinking about the question.

“Top three most influential impacts you’ve made in my life? Well, first, I don’t eat out every day anymore, but I think I’ve lost friends because of it, so I’m not sure that’s a positive impact.”

His lip curls before continuing.

“But you’ve positively influenced the way I view money. Second, you genuinely want to be my friend so you’ve positively influenced my self-worth. Three, you’re not afraid to challenge me and make me question things so you’ve positively influenced the way I think and the choices I make.”

He frowns at me.

“One negative influence since being your friend is that I haven’t been laid in over five months!”

We’ve had several conversations regarding this and how he’s reaching a new point in his life. I’m proud of him. To be honest, there’s a small part of me that’s jealous. If things had been different, I wonder if we’d have ended up together. I’m touched and surprised by his answers. If I was an emotional person, I’d cry.

“Those were probably the most sincere and genuine compliments I’ve ever gotten!”

I can’t help but smile at him. Time and time again, he shows me how amazing he is. Charles asks.

“What about you? How have I impacted you? Please, limit the responses to the top twenty-five!”

I roll my eyes, he’s always such a smartass.

“Oh, man. How am I supposed to top your answers?”

I bite my lip, half serious and half joking, as he shrugs and smiles at me while finishing the last few bites of his salad.

“I have to steal one of yours, but I would’ve said it regardless. You genuinely want to be my friend and, for so many more reasons, you’ve positively influenced my self-worth, too! You—”

My phone timer goes off.

“Shit! Hold on, I’ll be right back.”

I run to the break-room, arrange everything on the tray and go back to Charlie’s desk. As soon as I’m within sight of Charlie, I start reciting one of our favorite quotes from the show: The Office.

“I wake up every morning in a bed that’s too small, drive my daughter to a school that’s too expensive, and then I go to work at a job in which I get paid too little.”

I set the tray full of pretzels, with an assortment of nuts and sauces, on his desk then Charlie and I recite together.

“But on Pretzel Day? I like Pretzel Day!”

He laughs, as I’d expect. Hell, I’m laughing, too. Anything that references The Office always sends us both into a fit of giggles, but he also does something that surprises me…he stands and gives me a hug.

“Colin, this is the most thoughtful thing anyone has ever done for me. I wish I could frame it. I’ll keep this memory forever.”

His eyes convey so much in this moment. This little gesture means so much to someone who has everything. I feel honored to be his friend and instruct him.

“Pick up the tray.”

“Why?”

“Just pick up the tray, you idiot.”

He picks up the tray, I pose him exactly how I want, and then I take a selfie of us. We look at the picture, it’s really good, a perfect memory.

“There, now the Pretzel Day friendiversary will forever be immortalized.”

“It’s perfect.”

He sets the tray down and smiles, again. I can’t help feeling happy that I’m able to bring such happiness to this man. We drizzle some of all of the condiments onto our pretzels and start eating.

“You know, this cost me over forty dollars.”

I feign annoyance and he responds with a grin.

“Yeah, yeah. I love you, too. Hey, you didn’t finish your answers.”

I try to recall where we left off.

“Oh, yeah. Okay, so, self-worth was one. Two, you pay attention to things I say and you bank them for later, such as that day we had the long, boring meeting and I thought I was going to die. Later that day, you printed out a meme of Michael Scott that said, I Understand Nothing, and left it on my desk--it made my day, it was so funny! So, I guess you make me feel valued and before you say anything, it’s different than number one because it’s not about me valuing myself, it’s about having a friend that genuinely values me.”

“And three—”

I have to think, this is hard!

“Okay, this is going to sound dumb, but it actually means a lot to me. You’ve positively influenced my life by adding more Karaoke.”

Thursday night has become a regular Karaoke night and we go regularly with coworkers and friends.

“I guess that’s technically kind of under number two? So I’ll add one more. You’ve positively influenced me by dragging my ass to the gym and making me do something about this.”

I do a sweeping motion over my body.

“I think Jesse will agree.”

“Speaking of the gym, if you don’t start to apply yourself harder, I’m going to start withholding sex.”

His smirk makes me nervous as he gives me his faux apologetic face.

“And then I’ll have to say something like, this hurts me more than it hurts you.”

I pretend to be horrified.

“You wouldn’t dare!”

He looks at me and smiles.

Oh, yeah, when we got our memberships, he told them we were married so we’d get a discounted price. Now we joke when we’re at the gym by pretending to fight or being annoyingly affectionate and everywhere in between.

I tried to tell him it was a bad idea because the gym had a decent gay clientele and he could easily find some hookups, but he thought it would be more fun that way. Life is never dull with Charlie.

We finish our pretzels in silence.

“Hey, Charlie?”

I start picking up the trash.

“Yeah?”

“I have a question—well, a favor, but I want you to promise you won’t say no.”

I give him my biggest puppy dog eyes. He rolls his eyes and says.

“Shit, how can I say no when you do that?”

He’s trying to hide his lopsided smile.

“I promise to say yes unless it’s illegal, then my answer is maybe.”

I over-exaggerate a huge smile.

“Since you don’t have plans for tonight, I want to set you up with a date.”

“N—”

“You can’t say no! You promised. Just hear me out. His name is Zach, he’s twenty-three so he has the same emotional maturity as you.”

I wait for him to laugh at my jab, but he doesn’t.

“He’s athletic and super cool.”

Charlie’s face is totally blank. I know he hates being set up, but I have to try anyway. He’s been alone for too long.

“It’s only one date. If it’s a total dump, I’ll never try to set you up, again.”

He responds flatly.

“I’m almost over my food budget.”

I’m not going to let him get off the hook that easy.

“Zach will gladly take you out. He’s the one that’s been asking me to talk to you.”

He says, matter-of-factly.

“Okay, just for you. Tell him to meet me at Nicoletta’s Table at six forty-five. I’ll give him my number if the date is good.”

He stands, throws the rest of his trash away, and says.

“Thanks for the pretzels.”

He quickly exits toward the bathroom. Five months of celibacy has made him irritable. Zach is cool and I also know he’ll be an easy lay for Charlie. I go back to my desk and notice there’s a text message on my phone.

[Jesse] Meet at your house after work?

Besides one mandatory meeting this morning, Jesse’s taking the afternoon off so he can pack for his trip.

[Colin] Sure thing, babe. Dinner after or stay in tonight? *winking smile emoji*

While I wait for his reply, I send a message to Zach.

[Colin] Charles said he’s free tonight if you want to take him out.

[Zach] Seriously?

[Colin] Yes. lol

[Zach] Where should I take him?

[Colin] Nicoletta’s Table at six forty-five. I don’t know where it is.

It takes a minute for him to respond. I suppose he’s googling.

[Zach] Lake Oswego / Good reviews *thumbs up emoji* Thanks, I owe you.

[Colin] Have fun.

There’s still no response from Jesse, but I know he’s scrambling to get everything packed. I work for a few hours and then stop by Brett’s office and pop my head in.

“Knock, knock.”

“Hey shrimp, what’s up?”

He’s been calling me shrimp helps to keep him from calling me Stan. He can call me whatever he wants as long as he doesn’t screw everything up.

“Would it be possible to leave a little early today? Jesse leaves tomorrow morning and—”

“Say no more, consider yourself off of work. Have a good weekend and tell Jesse to be safe.”

Brett waves me off and returns to his work.

[Colin] I’m off early, come by whenever. I need every second I can get with you.

[Jesse] Perfect, see you soon.

I jump into the shower and decide to wear a pair of sweatpants, instead of dressing up, because I’m hoping to dress down when he gets here. I want to get naked with my super-hot boyfriend before he leaves.

I hear Jesse open the door. I’d given him the code months ago so he can come in whenever he wants. My heart quickens, I’m excited to see him and anxious because he’s leaving.

Oh, damn, he looks fine! But this is Jesse, of course he makes grubby joggers and a threadbare college shirt look like something from a porn scene. Maybe I'm horny or maybe he’s just that hot…or both! All I know is, he’s all mine until we have to leave my apartment at four fifty tomorrow morning.

I don’t give him a chance to say hi before I attack him. I want as much as I can get before he leaves. He stumbles backward in surprise, but recovers quickly and starts returning my advances. We’re desperate, two weeks won’t be that long, but we haven’t spent much time apart during our six months together.

Jesse has his hands down the back of my pants and he’s kneading my ass. He’s been very vocal about his appreciation of the booty gains I’ve achieved since working out. Likely, it’s the only thing he likes about all the time I spend with Charles.

All of this frantic kissing and touching has Colin junior ready to go! Hell, he was ready to go before Jesse stepped into my apartment, but feeling Jesse’s erection against my hips, and his hands kneading my ass, is sending me to a new level.

I regretfully disengage from his kisses to grab his hand. I start tugging him toward the bedroom so we can get this show on the road, but my body jerks when I’m met with resistance. There’s no budging him if he doesn’t wanna move.

“What the fuck?”

Jesse’s playfully smiling.

“Hello to you, too!”

“Hello, how was your day, mine was dumb, okay, ready, now?”

I grab his hand and tug, again.

“We have business to finish!”

“First, I want to talk to you about my meeting this morning.”

He pulls me toward the couch as I point at the very obvious bulge in my sweats.

“Can’t we talk about that after we deal with this?”

“Sit.”

Well, this is de-escalating quickly.

I slump onto the couch, as requested, as he carefully watches me.

“Today has been insane. The meeting wasn’t anything like what I’d expected.”

He pauses, again.

“Okay. An insane meeting, nothing you would’ve expected. Is that all? Can we go now?”

He rolls his eyes and smirks at my impatience. The smirk quickly becomes a hesitant frown, then he talks slow, trying not to spook me.

“They offered me a new job with a very significant wage increase and additional perks, but my job will require me to stay international for a while longer. There’d be a few more stops after Brazil.”

“That’s it? This is great news! You’ve been talking about the job. I’m very proud of you!”

I’m genuinely happy for him! He works so hard and has an amazing heart. He deserves this! He deserves everything.

“You’re happy for me?”

He appears to be taken aback so I wrap him in a big hug.

“Absolutely! You deserve it! How many more places are you going?”

He looks nervous, again.

“There’s four, including Brazil.”

I do the quick mental math as I grab his hand.

“That’s great! Will you be gone about two months, then? That’s assuming you’ll be staying a similar two weeks at the other three locations. I’m not thrilled by it, but I love you! We can make it work, but that means we have a lot more stockpiling to do before you leave. You can sleep on the plane!”

I tug at him, again, really wanting to be naked together and not wanting to waste another minute.

“I’ll be gone for five years.”

Huh? I think my horny brain missed something, this doesn’t make sense.

“Five years? What’s five years?”

“The job. I’ll be gone for roughly five years. Maybe less, maybe more.”

Oh, fuck!

“Five years.”

I’m not asking, I’m trying to process. I look at him and try to figure out what’s happening.

“I’m sorry, Jesse. My brain is struggling to process data, can you explain what this means?”

“It means I’m going to be out of the country for five years. Colin, I love you very much! You’ve changed my life, but let’s look at this realistically.”

He moves closer to me and holds my hands. I don’t like where this is going. Nope.

“There’s the time change and the fact we’ll both be working a lot. I don’t want to break up, but it’s not reasonable to stay together, either.”

My heart feels like it’s being ripped out of my chest.

“Whoa. Don’t say tha—”

“Colin, listen to me. I don’t want you sitting here for five years giving up everything because you’re waiting for me to come back nor do I want to spend the next five years worrying that I’m denying you everything because of my job.”

Earlier today, I didn’t cry because I’m not an emotional person. Now, I have silent tears rolling down my face.

“What if things change, again, and I’m promoted and asked to work for a longer time overseas? I have no way of predicting the future.”

Now he’s crying, too.

“Colin, I desperately want this to work because I love you so much and I see you in my life forever, but every time I think of ways to make it work, I know they’re only excuses and will only make things harder, later.”

I’m lying with my head in his lap and he’s running his fingers through my hair. My conscious mind is so overwhelmed, I think it’s about to automatically shut off. Yesterday, we were singing Karaoke together, but today he’s breaking up with me to move away for five years. Jesse’s the love of my life. He can’t leave!

My chest starts heaving as the tears continue to stream down my face. Jesse’s bigger than I, but I’m not small, by any means. He manages to move me so I’m straddling his lap and facing him, then he stands while holding me to his waist. He carries me to the bedroom, lays me down, and climbs onto the bed next to me. We’re facing each other and tears are streaming down our faces and pooling where our noses are touching. He tries to comfort me as he loses pieces of himself, too.

“I know baby, I know. My heart is breaking. Seeing you like this is killing me. The thought of losing you is almost too much to bear.”

His emotional confession does nothing to calm me down. If anything, his turmoil only magnifies mine and I plead.

“Please stay! I love you so much!”

He squeezes me tight as we lie here, no longer speaking, the only sound in the room is our emotional pandemonium.

I’m not sure if I drifted off into sleep or if I experienced a mental shut down, but I don’t recall what happened. The next thing I remember is coming to, still wrapped in Jesse’s embrace, only neither of us are crying anymore. His phone starts vibrating and he answers, sounding like shit.

“Hello? Okay, thanks. Give me a minute, I’ll text you.”

He’s looking at me with heartbreak written in his eyes.

“Give you a minute? Are you leaving now?”

I’m barely holding on by a thread as his voice cracks. He just got here! He told me he’s moving and now he’s leaving? I thought I had the night with him! I thought I was taking him to the airport!

“My sister is here. I want to stay here with you all night, but I can’t. I need to pull myself together and I can’t do that with you next to me.”

My eyes start filling, again.

“I’m not ready for you to leave. This is happening too fast, I can’t catch up!”

He leans forward and kisses me.

“I know, baby. I know. I’m so sorry. I didn’t know this was going to happen. Please forgive me. Please, don’t hate me.”

He’s squeezing my face, desperately pleading for forgiveness.

“Never! I love you too much!”

I kiss him desperately. I want as much as I can get before he finally breaks away.

I walk behind him, both of our hearts breaking in silence as the tears continue to run down our faces. I grab a few tissues on my way through the kitchen and hand him one, so he can clean his face. We stare at each other for a moment as we try to hold on to these last moments.

“Colin, I don’t want to, but I have to go. Can I call you?”

He sends a quick text to his sister.

“Yeah, a call would be good.”

I nod toward the door and follow him downstairs to the street where he cups my face with his palms.

“I love you, so much!”

I give him a chaste kiss.

“I know. I love you, too. Go. I don’t want to be saying goodbye, forever.”

I try to smile, but I’m dying inside because I don’t want him to abandon me.

His sister pulls up and he gives me one last kiss before he gets into the passenger side of her car. He looks at me, but doesn’t say anything. Finally, I break the unbearable silence.

“Will you text me and let me know you made it safely?”

“Yes.”

He lowers himself in the car and his sister pulls away. He’s gone.

I go upstairs and straight to the bathroom. My contacts are killing me from all of the crying so I take them out, put on my glasses, then walk to the kitchen. I don’t stock much alcohol, but I know I have a bottle of something to drink. I rummage through the cabinets until I find some Oregon made whiskey, grab a Coke from the refrigerator, and get started.

I don’t have time to mix it in a glass so I take a shot and chase it with the Coke. I need to get drunk ASAP to numb myself from this overwhelming pain. My chest has been heaving uncontrollably since he drove away. No matter what I do, I can’t stop the tears, the pain, or the hurt.

[Colin] Where are you? I need you. ASAP

No response.

[Colin] Charlie?

*a shot of whiskey, a shot of coke*

[Colin] I hope you’re not mad at me. I need you. Please come to my apartment, it’s important.

No response.

[Colin] ???

*shot of whiskey, shot of coke*

[Colin] *crying sad face emoji*

*shot of whiskey*

[Colin] Fine. I’m coming to you.

I look at my watch and see it’s five minutes after seven so I throw on a shirt, socks, shoes, and sweatshirt.

*shot of whiskey*

I pull up the Uber app.

 

* * CHARLES * *

I’m sitting at a nice restaurant with a nice guy, I guess. He seems eager and happy to be here. I should be happy, too, but I’ve spent the last six months falling in love with a guy who’s fallen in love with another guy. The guy I’m eating with isn’t the man I love. He doesn’t even look like the man I love.

It’s been hard watching Colin fall in love with Jesse. I can’t blame him, though, everyone loves Jesse. Hell, I think I love Jesse. He’s a fan-freakin-tastic guy.

Ugh. I hate Jesse.

Colin’s been talking about asking him to move in. He’s going to do it for their sixth month anniversary which is in a few weeks. Shit, I know where his apartment is, but I haven’t been in it. He’s weird about people going to his apartment, except Jesse. He wants Jesse to share it with him.

Maybe I should focus on Zach. I mean, I’m swimming against the current with Colin. I can’t be in love with him when I’ll eventually be best man at his wedding. That’ll be the worst day of my life.

Maybe Colin will want to hang out tomorrow since Jesse will be gone. Maybe he’ll want to hang out every day while Jesse is gone. What am I doing? Hanging out with Colin isn’t focusing on Zach. Maybe I should see if Zach wants to hangout tomorrow and everyday for the next two weeks.

The hostess is trying to get my attention.

“Excuse me, sir?”

I look at her and she looks perturbed.

“You have a guest in the lobby.”

I look at her and then at Zach, who’s also confused.

“A guest? Who’d be here?”

She continues.

“He’s incredibly intoxicated. He says you’ve been ‘ignoring him and he needs you, now’. Those are his exact words.”

“I have no idea what’s going on.”

I’m looking at Zach, but the statement is for everyone. I haven’t been ignoring anyone, I haven’t even seen anyone in six months!

“If you’d like, we can call the police and have him taken in and detoxed?”

“No. I’ll go see who it is, first, then we’ll go from there.”

I look at Zach.

“Will you excuse me? I’ll be right back.”

“Of course, go check it out and I’ll order desert?”

“Sure. Blackberry cobbler for me, please.”

My curiosity is peaking as I walk into the lobby, but before I have a chance to look around, I’m accosted by a hard body that reeks of whiskey. He’s yelling at me and weakly pounding at my chest, but I can’t understand anything he’s saying.

Finally, I extract the man off of my body and I see the saddest sight ever. Colin’s face is filled with tears. My heart instantly breaks and I’m overwhelmed with worry. Did something happen to Jesse? To his parents?

“Hey, hey?”

I’m trying to calm him down.

“What’s going on? What’s wrong?”

I set him down on a bench and put my arm around him.

“Jesse!”

He sobs, throwing his head onto my chest.

“What’s happened to Jesse?”

Oh, God.

“He broke up with me!”

Ha! I wish! I have no idea what happened but I’m positive he’s confused. There’s no way Jesse broke up with him.

“Colin, he didn’t break up with you, he’s only going to be gone for two weeks, it’s for work, remember?”

I cradle his head against my chest with one hand and rub his back with the other. Colin sits up and looks straight at me. The overflowing tears seem to magnify the intensity of his eyes. He shakes his head.

“No, Charlie! He’s moving away, for five years!”

He wipes a tear before continuing.

“He broke up with me today, then he left! He left for five years! He’s gone, Charlie!”

He returns his head to my chest and softly cries as I wrap my arms around him and, squeezing him tightly, let him use me as a Kleenex.

My own emotions are conflicting inside. Knowing the news that I’ve wanted to hear more than anything is the same news that’s breaking the heart of the man I love. I’ve never wanted Jesse back in Colin’s life more than I do at this moment!

“Oh, baby, I’m so sorry!”

I bury my face in his hair, savoring him. I don’t care that I just called him baby and I he’s too drunk and emotional to notice. I look at the waitress, who’s watching this whole episode unfold, and nod for her to come over.

“Would you please get my jacket from the coat closet and let my friend know I have to leave for an emergency?”

“Of course.”

She rushes to grab my jacket and quickly returns.

“Come on, baby, let’s go.”

I lift Colin, walk him to the car, get him situated, and buckle him up. Due to the alcohol and the sadness, he’s pretty worthless. As tears run down his face, he moans.

“I don’t want to go home.”

“Okay, we’ll go to my house.”

I reach over and squeeze his forearm for support. He puts his hand over mine and doesn’t let go.

He mumbles for the duration of the ride: he curses me for ignoring him (I’ve never ignored this man in my life!); he cries because Jesse left (silent hallelujah!); he says he’ll never be able to go back to work (doubtful); he says he’s heartless (impossible!); and he says he’ll never love, again (I hope that’s not true!). He hates Jesse, loves Jesse, hates Jesse, and loves Jesse (all of sentiments I share).

After we arrive at my house, I park in the garage. I’m sure he can walk into the house by himself, but I want to help him and hold him. I wrap my body around his as I carry him through my home. I set him on the couch and retrieve a blanket.

“Tea?”

“No, but can I have some water?”

As I bring him a glass of water, I ask.

“When was the last time you ate something?”

“Lunch.”

“That’s not good. What do you want to eat? I’ll order food.”

“Nothing, I’m not hungry.”

He’s so dejected and sad, it crushes my soul to see him like this. If I ever see Jesse—fuck! I’m so angry at him for doing this to Colin.

“That’s not an option. I’ll order some food and you’ll eat. How much alcohol did you have anyway?”

“Not very much. Maybe four to six shots?”

“Oh, so only a little bit!”

I know he’s too drunk to catch my sarcasm. I retrieve my phone from my jacket and walk to the kitchen to order food.

[Colin] Where are you? I need you. ASAP.

[Colin] Charlie?

[Colin] I hope you’re not mad at me. I really need you. Please come to my apartment. It’s important.

[Colin] ???

[Colin] *crying sad face emoji*

[Colin] Fine. I’m coming to you.

Oh, God! The one time I didn’t have my phone on me!

I order food and go back into the living room. He’s fallen asleep on the couch so I sit on the floor next to him and wait.

I feel my own chest tighten with sadness. Colin’s face is red and blotchy from crying and, though he’s asleep, he looks so broke. I remember the look of total devastation in his eyes. I softy rub his cheek and wipe away the tear residue as I plant a gentle kiss on his forehead.

God, he reeks of alcohol.

Twenty minutes later, the food arrives. I run to the door and open it so they won’t ring the doorbell and wake him up. It’s in vain, Colin’s awake when I come back in.

“Hey, I got a couple of different burritos, a chicken quesadilla, and a veggie bowl. Hopefully, one of these looks good enough to eat.”

I lay the food on the coffee table.

“You have water, but I also have Sprite, Coke, or Root Beer if you want?”

He leans forward, checking out the food, as he says.

“Coke.”

“One Coke coming up!”

I hustle to the refrigerator, grab a Coke and rush back. I notice there’s forty dollars laying on the coffee table. I look at Colin, my face asking the obvious question.

“I know you’re over budget.”

He tries to smile. He’s a real son-of-a-bitch sometimes, but I’m not going to argue with him. I leave the money where it is. He sees me watching him and asks.

“Do you want some? I’m not going to finish all this.”

“No, I just ate, remember? You came to the restaurant, where I was on a blind date?”

I smile, happy for his interruption. He frowns and starts to apologize.

“Shit, I’m sorry! You were finally in a date and I totally ruin it!”

I sit next to him and rub his back as I reply.

“Seriously, don’t worry. This is way more important than anything else. I want to be here for you, you’re my best friend.”

I watch him pick at his burrito for a while and I’m happy when he finally finishes half of it (they’re very large), and I notice he appears to be sobering up so I ask.

“Do you want to watch a movie, sit here, or go to bed?”

It’s not super late, maybe nine forty-five, but I’m sure he’s probably drained. I know I am.

“Um, I guess go to bed?”

“Sure thing. Let me make sure the guest bed is ready. No one’s been in there for a while.”

I get up and he stops me.

“Would it be weird if I slept in your bed? I don’t want to sleep alone in a strange bed, in a strange house.”

Normally, his hazel eyes are vibrant and full of joy, but now they’re shallow and lifeless, pleading with me not to leave him alone and not to reject him.

Again, I hate Jesse! How could he do this to my Colin?

I smile.

“Absolutely. Lucky for you, I changed my sheets today.”

On the flip side, thank you, Jesse! Colin wants to sleep in my bed!

“Lucky for me, your maid changed the sheets today.”

He somehow musters a half-smile, but it’s sincere.

“Potatoe, Potato!”

I grab his water and lead him to my room. I’ve dreamed of this moment; leading Colin to my room so we can spend the night together, for six months. However, the moments that follow in my dream are significantly different than what’s about to happen in reality.

Potatoe, Potato, right?

My room is large and mostly impersonal. I blame my parents’ designer, but the bed is big and comfortable. I set his water on his night stand and go to find him a toothbrush. Trying to keep his spirits up, I give him a playful smile.

“Do you want to take a shower? You reek of booze.”

He nods and I show him how everything works, grab a towel for him, and leave him to clean up. I pace around the room waiting for Colin to finish, I’m surprisingly nervous about him staying the night.

“Charlie?”

He steps out of the bathroom, wearing only a towel around his waist. He’s missed drying several spots of his body so he’s still glistening with water. His chest has a light dusting of dark-brown hair that trails down his flat stomach and disappears under the towel.

His torso, as long and strong as it is, is perfect. In fact, everything about him is long and strong, his legs, arms, torso…and he’s so wet!

“Y-yeah?”

I’m trying not to focus on the wet, and practically naked, man standing in my bedroom. He sits on the bed.

“Can I borrow a pair of underwear? I wasn’t wearing any.”

I walk to the dresser, retrieve a pair of underwear, and toss them to him. He slides the black boxer briefs up and under the towel. I respectfully, and regrettably, look away when he stands up and drops his towel. He slides into bed, lying on his back.

As we lay in silence for a while, I’m enjoying the close proximity of our locations. It’s different than Bend. I’m not planning on doing anything, but it’s still a big deal. I can’t help feeling guilty, though, that I’m happy about the same reason he’s sad.

“I didn’t see this coming.”

I’m not sure if he’s talking to me or himself, so I don’t respond.

“Yesterday, at Karaoke, he was singing All of Me. I know it’s such a cheesy song, but that’s his thing. Jesse never branched out when it came to music’s Billboard top fifty.”

He attempts a small, shallow chuckle.

“Anyway, last night he was singing that song to me and staring into my eyes. That was yesterday. Today he broke up with me.”

I imagine he’s shrugging.

“Like, what the fuck?”

I roll over, facing him, he’s still on his back staring at the ceiling.

“Colin, I wish I knew what to say.”

When he doesn’t say anything, I continue.

“I can’t pull anything from my own experiences because I’ve never had a boyfriend, not a proper one anyway.”

We sit in silence. I have an idea of what’s running through Colin’s head, but I don’t know what to do about it, so I softly offer.

“If you want me to talk crap about Jesse, I can. I’m incredibly angry with him right now.”

He still doesn’t reply so, trying not to upset him, I lightly say.

“He picked a job over you. What the fuck is that about?”

I pause. I’d never do that, he’d always be first.

“Tell me if I’m crossing the line, I know you love Jesse and I’ll admit, he has a lot of great qualities, but this is a big deal, Colin. You guys were talking about your future and being together forever, then he just leaves. He didn’t discuss anything with you. I know they sprung the job on him, but I’m sure they would’ve given him time to think it over, time to talk with you.”

He moves. We’re still on opposite sides of the bed, but now he’s facing me. I let out a small, frustrated breath as I say.

“I don’t know a lot about love, but what he’s doing, what he did, this isn’t what I envisioned it would be like.”

I’m starting to panic because he hasn’t said a single word since I started talking and I’ve never been good in these situations. What if I said all of the wrong things? It feels like ten minutes since he last spoke so I whisper.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said anything.”

He rolls over until he’s against me, on his side and facing me, and his breath is on my lips. He’s so close—I’ve never been this close to him! He takes a sharp breath in and I can tell he’s trying not to cry.

“No, you’re right, but I still love him.”

He leans his head against my chest and silently loses his battle to grief.

“I know. Come here, baby.”

I move one arm under him and pull him toward me, resting his head on my shoulder and his face against my neck. As he cries, I hold him and stroke his hair, neck, and back. Occasionally, I plant soothing kisses on the top of his head.

I know he’s upset and devastatingly heartbroken, but my heart is over the moon as I get to lay here and love him, his skin against mine. I don’t care that it’s not reciprocated.

The next morning, I wake to find Colin, sprawled out on his stomach, still sleeping next to me. The morning light amplifies his soft and relaxed back muscles.

His glasses and phone are sitting on the nightstand and his clothes are on the floor in the bathroom. My mind knows this is an isolated incident, but my heart is beating ridiculously fast. It’s everything I want, I want his stuff scattered around my room, our room. I want this movie.

I begrudgingly get out of bed and walk to the kitchen to start coffee and some water for tea then I look through the fridge and pantry, trying to figure out what I can whip up for breakfast. I don’t have much, but I can toast some English muffins or something.

I hear him coming, but having spent a hand full of nights with him still doesn’t prepare me for what I see. Colin is breathtaking in the morning. He’s wearing the sweatpants he wore last night, his thick brown hair is totally disheveled, his hazel eyes are puffy from crying and still filled with sleep, and his skin is tanned from summer. I ask.

“Tea? Toast?”

He replies with a smile.

“Yes and yes.”

“Did you sleep well last night?”

“Better than I expected. I don’t remember waking up at all.”

He uses both hands to hold his mug as he sips his tea.

“What’s on the agenda to—?”

Colin’s phone starts ringing and he looks at it and frowns.

“It’s my mom.”

He looks stressed, but he answers with false bravado.

“Hi, Mom!”

“Um, I didn’t take him to the airport, Mom.”

“Umm, we broke up.”

“Mm-hmm.”

“He took a new job so he’ll be gone for five years.”

“Yeah, it makes sense.”

“Mm-hmm.”

He won’t look at me, but I know he’s having a hard time holding back the tears.

“Mom, do you think we can talk about this, in person, when I’m over for dinner Sunday? I’m at a friend’s house right now.”

“Me, too. I love you, Mom.”

He laughs.

“Mm-hmm. I love you, too, Dad. I’ll see you Sunday.”

He ends the call and gently sets his phone on the counter.

“Sorry, I should’ve expected they’d call. They knew I was planning to take him to the airport.”

“They care and that’s a good thing.”

I pull my knee to my chest and take a drink of coffee.

“So, anyway, do you want to do something today?”

I’m watching him, for nothing in particular, and how he moves…and his insane morning hair! He’s absolute perfection.

“Actually, can you take me home? I need to pack some things. I think I’m going to stay with my parents this week. I don’t want to be at my apartment alone.”

My heart drops, that’s not the answer I was hoping for but what can I do about it? I mean, I can’t hold him prisoner, can I?

“Sure, we’ll go whenever you want to leave.”

The thought of him staying anywhere, other than with me, hurts. I’ve spent the last six months with him. I desperately want to take care of him, to make him whole, again. I want to be the person he cries on, not his parents.

“If you want to stay here for another night, a few nights, a week, or whatever—you’re welcome to do so.”

“Yeah?”

He looks surprised at the offer.

“Yeah, dude. If you want to stay with your parents, don’t let me stop you, but you’re also welcome to stay here as long as you want.”

He smiles and runs his long fingers through his hair.

“If it’s not too much trouble, then yeah, I’d like that.”

We sit around most of the morning doing a lot of nothing. Sometimes he talks and I let him use me as a sounding board. I don’t say much because I’d rather say nothing than mess up by saying the wrong thing. Sometimes he’s silent, and that’s okay, too.

Around lunch time, I take him home, drop him off so he can grab his stuff and take his car back to my house. We stop by the market and buy way too much food, then grab a pizza because we’re too tired to cook. We end the night by lying on opposite ends of the large couch in the theatre room and watching a movie.

I’m not sure what to do regarding our sleeping situation. I don’t want to offer him the guest room, again. I want him to continue sleeping in my bed, but I also don’t want to assume he’s okay with it and potentially freak him out.

After we decide it’s time for bed, I busy myself in the kitchen to wait out his decision. When I think enough time has passed, I go to my room and find Colin lying in my bed.

I say a silent thank you to the man upstairs.

“I hope this is okay? I can sleep in the guest room if you want?”

I simply crawl under the blanket, turn off the lights, and let silence settle over us. I see Colin’s phone light up, he picks it up, and sets it back down.

“Jesse landed in Brazil safely.”

“That’s good.”

“Yeah, it is.”

He lies on his back and falls asleep quickly. I’m not so lucky, or I am extremely lucky, depending on your perspective. I can’t sleep but I have all this time to watch him without fear that he’ll catch me. I hear him softly snoring, it’s beautiful. I nervously slide my hand across the bed until my finger brushed against his arm and fall asleep caressing the soft skin with my thumb.

 

* * COLIN * *

“Dad, I’m not going to take time off of work!”

I can’t believe I’m having this conversation or that he’s trying to pull rank. Dad rubs his jaw in frustration. I can tell he’s upset but he’s trying to mask the severity.

“Why not? You’re obviously upset. Please, take a couple of personal days, they’re there for a reason!”

“No, I’m not going to ditch work because my boy—ex-boyfriend hurt my feelings.”

I know I’m starting to act like a child and I cross my arms. He’s looking at me sympathetically.

“Okay, I can’t force you, but I think you should.”

My mother is arranging throw pillows on the empty couch when she asks.

“Where are you staying?”

“Charles Gabett’s house.”

“Oh, great, we love the Gabetts! Charles has been over here a few times. He’s wonderful!”

She looks at me with a smirk.

“He’s cute and single...and gay!”

“Yes, Mom, I’m aware, but he’s only a friend. Actually, he’s my best friend, which is why I’m staying with him.”

I remember something relevant.

“By the way, my current emotional distress started because you wanted to play matchmaker, so please, stoooop.”

She raises her hands in defeat and walks away. Dad casually inquires.

“So, Mr. Gabett is your best friend?”

“Yeah, Dad, he is.”

He has one brow raised.

“So, he knows everything?”

“No, he doesn’t.”

“Hmm.”

“Yeah, Dad, I know. I’m planning to tell him, soon. I don’t know how he hasn’t figured it out, yet. I thought I’d been sold out, for sure, when I did the pitches. So many small things have happened. I think once everyone figures it out, they’re going to smack themselves for being blind.”

He laughs.

“I’m sure they will. Are you ready to come forward, yet?”

His eyes are shining with hope as I take a deep breath.

“I don’t know, almost. Ideally, I’d like to wait a while longer, but if it comes out then there’s not much I can do. I’m hoping to tell them, first.”

I’m fidgeting with the tassels on one of the throws, it’s a habit I picked up as a kid, and something my mom does, too.

“You should tell Charles, soon, since he’s your best friend and all.”

Dad’s giant smile confirms his happiness regarding my new friendship. I didn’t have a best friend while growing up, hell, I barely had any friends growing up.

“I know. I’m going to, I promise.”

I’ve been thinking a lot about telling Charlie, I no longer fear that anything will change between us. At this point, I owe him the truth. I don’t know that I’m ready to announce it to everyone else, though.

* * *

I don’t know what I was expecting. Maybe that life would somehow shift off of its axis and my life would be thrown into an alternate dystopian world? I was prepared for the worst, but it never came. Not really.

I mostly have Charlie to thank for that. He woke up, made us lunches, drove us to work; where no one gawked at me, we went to the gym, we went home, ate dinner, and went to bed.

Rest and repeat. Everyday.

The weeks have passed quickly and I’m surprised how quickly things started to feel normal, more or less. The sadness was intense and consuming, at first, but it’s slowly dissipated. I still think about Jesse every day, but the pain that accompanies those thoughts has become inconsequential.

* * *

I’m sitting at Charlie’s desk as I normally do during lunch. We eat out once or twice a week, but we bring our lunches most of the time. I feel as though I’ve domesticated him. When I first met him, he was a free spirit who was always socializing, working, and socializing for work. Now, he spends his Sunday evenings prepping meals, he eats sack lunches, he carpools, and he spends the weekends doing things that don’t involve the clubs or hooking up.

I’ve gotten so comfortable with Charlie and this domestic partnership that we’ve fallen into. Life is easier when you have someone that anticipates your next move—what you want, what you need, what you desire. Thinking about the intensity of my relationship with Charlie causes a panic within me, I blurt out.

“I think I need to go home.”

“Sure thing. Get whatever you need after work and I’ll meet you in the garage.”

He’s still chewing his carrot stick, not realizing what I mean. It’s become so normal for me to grab a few things after work and take them to Charlie’s.

“I mean, I should move back home. I guess, maybe, move back isn’t the correct choice of words since they imply I moved out of my apartment, which I haven’t, although it does seem like it. Anyway, I should start staying at my own apartment, again.”

I nervously run my fingers across the seal of the sandwich bag. Charlie stops eating and looks at me. His face is unreadable.

“Oh. I mean, sure. Yeah.”

He brings another carrot to his mouth and continues.

“That makes sense.”

“Charlie, I’d only planned to stay for a week, but tomorrow will be a month since everything happened. I don’t think that’s what you were agreeing to when I started staying with you.”

“I didn’t have any time frame in mind. Only whenever you’re ready.”

“Maybe this weekend? I think I have a lot of stuff at your house. I can pack everything and we can have a relocation celebration? We can go out with Ryan and Quinn?”

“Sure, sounds good.”

Neither of us are looking at each other, a sure sign of definite sadness in the air.

“Charlie, why does it feel like the end of an era? It’s only been four weeks, is it ridiculous for me to feel sad about this?”

He smiles.

“I get it, I never thought I’d get used to having the same person in my bed every night…I might even miss it.”

He smirks.

“I love you, too, Charlie.”

This has become a common term of endearment when a conversation might be getting too mushy or one of us is being rude, or a hundred other reasons, or no reason at all.

“Yeah, yeah. Time for work, lover boy. We need to hustle to the gym afterward, you know how Thursdays are.”

Charlie picks up our lunch trash and puts both of our containers into one bag to take home as I say.

“You’re the best husband ever, Charlie. You treat me so good!”

I blow him a kiss then, suddenly, he smacks the side of my head and pouts before saying.

“Yet, you never put out! I’m going to find someone new and you’re going to miss me.”

I laugh but it’s true! Heck, I’m gonna miss him when I move back home this weekend.

* * *

I’m spotting Charlie as he does his chest press reps and I laugh with amusement.

“You’re really wearing that shirt?”

“Of course! This is the best shirt ever and it’s a great conversation piece.”

As a joke, I bought him a shirt I found on Facebook that says, ‘Dwight, you ignorant slut!’ I know he’s a reformed slut now and this shirt would’ve been more suiting last year, but it’s still funny and he loves it.

He demolished the shirt, though. The sleeves are gone and the sides of the shirt are cut down to his waist, revealing most of his body.

I don’t know how it stays on him and, to be honest, it’s distracting. It’s hard to focus on lifting when there’s constant glimpses of his perfect abdominal and back muscles glistening with sweat.

Charlie’s a few inches shorter than I, but he’s definitely bigger. His shoulders are wider, his legs and arms are stronger, and his abs have significantly more definition than mine. He has one of the best bodies I’ve ever seen, better than Jesse’s.

It’s easy to appreciate Charlie’s body and appreciate it, I do! His work suits are tailor made to perfectly fit his body. At the gym, he’s sweaty and his muscles are constantly rippling and, often times, his shorts show more than they should, and at home? At home, he doesn’t even try to hide. He practically walks around naked. In fact, I’ve seen him naked several times. I try very hard not to notice, but god he’s beautiful! It’s easy to feel completely inadequate while next to him.

I may not be interested in him, other than a friend, but I still appreciate everything about him.

“Hurry up! I have to piss, bad.”

I swear he’s doing the slowest reps in the world. Finally, he finishes the last rep.

“Okay, fine. I’m going to get a drink of water and I’ll meet you over there.”

He’s pointing toward the leg press so I shoot him a thumbs up and jog to the restroom.

When I return, I see him talking to another brunette. The guy has his hand on Charlie’s arm and is laughing flirtatiously. Instantly, I’m filled with…jealousy? No, a little frustration, maybe? I don’t know, but I don’t like what’s happening and when I see Charlie smile back at him, I’m surprised that I feel hurt.

At the gym, Charlie is my husband so that must be why I’m reacting this way. Shorty McDouchebag over there should know he’s flirting with a taken man and therefore needs to keep his hands off. I pull myself together and walk toward them, struggling to keep myself under control. I smile at Charlie.

“Hey, baby! Are you ready to finish?”

Then I look at Shorty.

“Who’s the new friend?”

Who am I? What am I doing?

Charlie seems more shocked than I am. Usually, he’s the one who relentlessly teases me when we’re here. Charlie smirks at me and then looks at Shorty.

“I don’t actually know.”

“I’m Lukas, I was telling Charlie here—”

“It’s Charles, unless you’re his husband?”

I look at him, questioningly, he hesitates for a moment then shakes his head no, and I politely smile.

“Okay, then! It’s Charles.”

“Sorry, I was telling—Charles—that I like his shirt because it’s funny. I’m a big fan of The Office, myself.”

He smiles at Charles, again. I huff out a sarcastic response.

“That’s nice.”

Ugh. I want to rip this guy’s throat out, does he have any class?!

I turn my attention to Charlie.

“Are you ready, baby? You know how Thursday’s are.”

I wink, showing him it’s all fun and games. Just playful teasing, at least, that’s what I tell myself.

After Shorty is out of range, Charlie says.

“You can retract your claws now.”

I look at him with as much innocence as I can muster.

“What?”

I smile as I adjust the weights on the machine.

“Charlie, everyone knows we’re married. He’s a jerk to flirt. Can you try to focus on me instead of Shorty McFlirt over there? I don’t want the weights to fall and crush me because you’re too busy ogling some twink with a bad haircut.”

Why do I sound so fucking jealous? I need to calm the fuck down. I take a deep breath, willing my blood pressure to return to normal.

He playfully kisses my forehead and speaks loud enough to get Shorty’s attention.

“I love you, too, baby! I have eyes only for you!”

We finish working out and I re-rack some of the weights while Charlie waits for me against the wall. I notice Shorty eyeing him as he starts to saunter towards him. He’s a fucking dog with a bone that doesn’t belong to him.

I move quickly, again, taking myself by surprise. Without thinking things through, I stand in front of Charlie and push him against the wall with my body. I see Shorty, from the corner of my eye, stop in his tracks.

Damn straight. Walk the fuck away.

I run my hands up Charlie’s stomach and lift his shirt as I go, I growl.

“You’re so hot when you wear this shirt.”

It’s true, this shirt is fucking hot on him.

Then I kiss him on the lips. It’s only a chaste kiss, but a fucking kiss—on the lips! I smack his ass for good measure. Fuck! Why can’t I can’t stop myself?

“Alright, let’s hit the showers, baby!”

I look over at Shorty McUglyface and wink.

He’s married, bitch!

Charlie’s laugh echoes through the gym.

“What the fuck was that?”

“What? You do it all of the time. Consider it a favor. You’re welcome.”

“I’m not complaining, but it was funny. I like a jealous husband, it makes me feel loved.”

He jokingly kisses my cheek. I look over at Twink McTrashy to see if he’s watching, he is, so I smile.

“What favor should I consider this, anyway?”

“I was running interference because he was totally hitting on you!”

He laughs louder.

“What if I wanted him to hit on me?”

I hadn’t thought of that. I mean, it never crossed my mind.

“Oh! So, did you?”

My stomach feels like it’s turning inside out.

“No, but still, you did cock block me.”

Charlie puts his arm around my waist and walks me to the locker rooms, but not before he winks at Shorty McDoesnt-have-a-chance.

* * *

We’re lying in bed. It’s our last night together before I go back to my apartment.

“Thank you.”

He mumbles.

“Huh? For?”

I sarcastically respond.

“For the last month? For everything? Do you want me to make a list of specifics?”

“Yeah, that’d be good.”

I can hear his smile as he mumbles and I punch his arm.

“I’m trying to be sincere here.”

He laughs and pushes me back.

“What? You’re the one who offered.”

I reply loudly.

“I was only trying to tell you I appreciate everything you’ve done!”

I roll over and try to pin him to the bed.

“For letting me stay at your house!”

“For a month!”

We start wrestling around on the bed. I know Charlie can take me, but I’m not gonna let it be easy for him.

“For packing my fucking lunches, you son-of-a-bitch!”

We start laughing as we wrestle around on the bed.

“For driving me to fucking work!”

“And for or washing my clothes!”

I have him on his stomach with his arms behind his back.

“For singing, Stand by Me, during Karaoke!”

“For keeping me busy!”

Somehow, he rolls over onto his back and, while still under me, wraps his arm around my waist and plants his face onto my stomach as he tries to flip me.

“For cooking damn good food every night!”

He flips me over so I’m on my back and he has my hands pinned above me as he straddles my hips. I yell up to him.

“For making sure I didn’t die!”

“For fucking taking care of me, you fucking stupid fuck face!”

I can barely yell anymore because I’m laughing so hard.

“Is that enough of a list or should I continue?!”

I chuckle.

“No, that’s okay. I get it.”

He relaxes and softly laughs.

“I love you, too.”

It’s dark so I can’t see his face too well, but I know he’s smiling.

“Damn straight.”

We’re silent for a while, he still has my arms pinned above my head, eventually he falls sideways onto his back and we both lay sweaty and out of breath. I look over at Charlie and he looks at me, staring at each other in the dim lit room. I smile at him, thankful for everything, and he returns the smile. I feel my body flush with desire and I’m overwhelmed with the urge to kiss him, for real this time. I’m sure it stems from a deep need to thank him for everything, I think.

I sit up on my elbow and look down at Charlie, his chest is still rising and falling quickly from the wrestling match. I feel myself being pulled towards him and I do nothing to stop it. I mean, what’s the worst that could happen? Ruin our friendship?

Oh God. I could ruin our friendship. What the fuck am I doing?! I quickly recover and punch him playfully in the shoulder.

“I’m serious dude, thanks for everything.”

He looks confused or maybe a little disappointed and says.

“Yeah. No problem.”

He pulls the covers over his body and rolls away from me. I don’t remember him ever sleeping with his back towards me. Fuck! Maybe he realized that I was going to kiss him and now he’s all freaked out. Thank fucking God I didn’t, crisis averted!

I watch the back of Charlie’s head and his big strong shoulders. I think about the last seven months and how close we’ve gotten and how wonderful Charlie is. I loved Jesse but now that we’re not together, and I have a more objective view, maybe it wasn’t as good as I thought? He was great, but compared to Charlie?

Not even close.

I need to pull my shit together before I destroy our friendship.

 

* * CHARLES * *

“I think this is everything.”

Colin is walking around our bedroom looking for anything he might have left behind.

Sorry, my bedroom, not ours.

I’m sitting on the bed and watching him as he gets ready to walk out of my life. Maybe that’s not exactly what’s happening, but if he thinks I’m going to help him pack, he has another thing coming. I might be acting a little dramatic, but his leaving feels pretty shitty.

I do help load a few things into his car. It’s basically three trash bags of laundry, a stack of garment bags for his work suits and shirts, a box of shoes, miscellaneous items, and a bag of his toiletries. It feels like a lot of stuff. My house is going to be empty.

“Okay, that’s everything!”

He shuts the back hatch on his car and smiles at me.

“Thanks again for everything, you’re the best friend a guy could have.”

He wraps me in a big embrace.

Who has two thumbs and has mastered the Friend Zone? This guy!

I hug him back because—well, because I want to.

“Tonight, right?”

I nod to confirm.

“Awesome! I’m done feeling sorry for myself and I’m ready for my ‘re-releasing into the wild’ party. It’s time to move on!”

He does a little celebratory shimmy dance.

Cool. Sweet. Awesome. Can’t wait.

I close his door and wave him off.

“Drive safe!”

I watch him drive out of my life. Whatever, that’s what it feels like.

* * *

I look at Ryan and Quinn with the most pathetic look ever.

“Just shoot me, please!”

Colin’s on the dance floor with the fourth guy of the night and it’s hard to watch.

“Stop bitching and go dance with him. The only reason Colin’s out there with him is because you’re here—at the table!”

Quinn yells before taking a drink from his glass.

“You guys have been in this strange vortex of isolation. You two spend ALL of your time together.”

Ryan rolls his eyes at me.

“I don’t fucking care what you say, Charlie, you two are in a relationship. Just make an actual move, already. How did you guys sleep together for a month and not do anything?”

I shrug, because it’s useless to explain to them. Ryan glares at me and says.

“When he comes back, make sure the next person to dance with him is you! Claim your shit, already. This is brutal to watch and it hurts my damn nuts to the point that they’re going to shrivel off before shit gets rolling with you two idiots.”

“It’s not me! Colin’s the one not interested. I’m so far in his friend zone that the chance of extradition is unlikely.”

Quinn suddenly has a look of panic in his eyes and abruptly changes the subject.

“What happened to your boyfriend?”

Startling me with his return, Colin says.

“I’m not interested.”

That explains Quinn’s look and change of topic. Quinn asks Colin.

“Why not, he’s cute?”

Quinn says as he curls his mouth into a smirk.

“He’s not what I’m looking for.”

Ryan has that, told you so, look on his face and says.

“Oh, that’s interesting! Do you have something specific in mind?”

“I don’t know, I’m just not feeling these guys.”

I’m flooded with relief that he’s not interested in any of those guys. I know I need to man up and do something but I’m terrified! I’ve never had feelings like this before and it’s foreign to me. I didn’t realize how safe I felt when he was with Jesse, I didn’t have to worry about dealing with my emotions, but now I do.

Colin’s pointing at all of us.

“Are you guys going to dance at some point or just sit here all night? This is my first night out in a month and you’re all ruining it.”

“Pick one of us and we’ll dance with you.”

Ryan may be smiling at Colin, but I know he’s smirking at me.

“Okay, Charlie, let’s go.”

Colin repeatedly nudges his head in the direction of the dance floor as an impatient toddler does, then he grabs my hand and pulls me out of the booth. Quinn jokes.

“Happy spouse, happy house!”

Colin’s wearing tight jeans and a tight, dark-green V-neck that makes his eyes pop. Everything he embodies is simplistic, yet, it speaks in volume.

I can’t help but notice how his clothes hug his body, the way his arms move around me, his leg muscles flex as he twists and turns to the beat, and his flat stomach trails the motions of his hips. He moves his body in such an explicit way, he screams sex and vitality, yet there’s something so innocent about him.

He’s dancing incredibly close to me. It’s not only dancing, it also feels intimate to me. Our chests are touching, our groins occasionally bump, our arms are wrapped around each other, and our legs are intertwined.

My nose is so close to the curve of his neck, I can smell his musty scent and I can feel his breath on my neck. Normally, I don’t like this position while dancing, but I do now! I’m definitely not going to stop what’s happening. It seems as though this has been happening more and more. Maybe not this exact moment, but other moments, too.

I begin to realize some things that started to happen while Colin was staying with me. Like, when he basically attacked a guy at the gym who was complimenting my shirt. Colin staked his claim on me and actually kissed me. That was quite surprising. The whole thing was arousing, to say the least. Watching Colin claw that guy to death, without touching him, was the hottest thing I’ve ever seen! So much so, I had problems showering at the gym.

He’s been hanging on me a lot and kissing my cheek, too. I know he’s mostly joking, but the frequency has been increasing.

He’d walk into the bathroom when I was showering, too. The curtain isn’t see-through, but it’s not solid, either. Sometimes, I’d wake up and he’d be on my side of the bed, semi-snuggling against me. I’m sure it’s the hopeful side of me reading into things that aren’t real.

I snap back into reality when I feel Colin’s hands touching my waist! This isn’t normal touching that happens when you dance. No, he’s slipping his fingers under the hem of my shirt and is caressing my stomach. Yep, he’s definitely caressing me and my heart is racing!

Every time I dance with Colin, the whole world shuts out. I don’t notice anything except us. Suddenly, I’m aware of everything and everyone! I look at our table and see Ryan and Quinn are staring at us, nodding their heads, and smiling with approval. While Quinn lifts his hands up raise the roof style in celebration, Ryan mouths, I fucking told you!

Celebration of what? Nothing has happened, but all of a sudden I’m aware that maybe something is? Or might?

Damn, I’m feeling parched. I have fucking dry mouth. I think someone has slipped me something because my nerves are firing so fast, but I know they didn’t. It’s just Colin! I need to clear my head and get a grip. If I stay here, I’m not going to be able to control myself for much longer.

“Um, I think I need a break. I’m really thirsty.”

I yell over the music as I move away from Colin, his face is a mixture of shock and disappointment.

“Do you want me to get you one, too? I’ll meet you back at the table?”

He’s staring at me, slightly confused as we leave the dance floor.

“Um, sure.”

* * *

I’m waiting to get waters when I hear my name.

“Charles?”

I look for the person talking to me.

“Ben! Why didn’t you call me and tell me you’re in town?”

Ben was my college roommate and best friend. He leans forward and hugs me.

“It was a last minute business trip.”

“Are you here alone?”

“No, I’m here with a colleague, but his parents are local, somewhere around here, so he’s staying with them.”

“Where are you staying?”

“I just got here so I haven’t made arrangements, yet, but I’m going to check into a hotel.”

“Come to my house, I have a spare room. No need to stay at a hotel, unless you’re looking to hook up, then you’re not welcome at my house.”

I nudge him and laugh as he excitedly says.

“That’d be great. A sleepover like old times.”

Ben’s always had this carefree childlike thing about him, it’s the reason people love him. We talk and share some fun anecdotes while waiting for my waters and his drink. He’s such an easy going guy, I’m glad we were paired together back in college, I think we balanced each other in a good way. He’s one of the few gay guys I haven’t done anything with, I’ve never thought of him like that.

“I’m here with some friends, if you want to join us?”

“Sure.”

He follows me to the table. I really want to introduce Ben to Colin but I don’t see him so I give a quick introduction to the others.

“Ryan and Quinn, meet Ben. Now you’re best friends. Where’s Colin?”

I look around, in case I missed him. Ryan responds dryly.

“I think he went to the bathroom.”

Ben asks me with a smile.

“Want to dance for old times’ sake?”

Whenever we went to clubs, we’d dance together, but since it was never sexual between us, we’d end up mocking the weird things that other people did. It became our signature. He follows me to the dance floor and looks around.

“Let’s dance like those two.”

He points at a pair of dudes that are so incredibly awkward to watch, it’s cringe worthy.

We mimic them and I can’t stop laughing because everything Ben does is hilarious. He’s always spot on with his impressions. After a few dances, and when I’m sure my sides can’t take anymore laughing, I decide to call it quits and go back to the table.

I see Colin is back from the bathroom and I can’t wait to introduce him to Ben. They’re my old best friend and my new best friend (secret love of my life).

“Ben Brown, this is Colin Clarke. Colleague by trade and best friend by divine force.”

We take our seats at the table. I’m not sure what happened while I was gone, but Colin looks extremely displeased. I look at Ryan and Quinn for answers, but they look irritated and roll their eyes at me. Ben looks happy to meet Colin and says.

“Nice to meet you, Colin Clarke!”

Colin only gives a slight head nod in return then Ben asks the group.

“So, where’s the best breakfast place around here? If I’m only in town for one night, I want an amazing breakfast!”

Everyone responds, except Colin, which is strange because it’s his favorite place, too.

“Mothers!”

Since I haven’t been there since Colin’s birthday, I suggest.

“I’ll join you, we can drive together. It’s not far from the club so I’ll drop you off at your car after we eat.”

Ben finishes another drink and he’s quickly becoming intoxicated.

“Perfect!”

Colin and I have become very good at reading each other and I’m surprised by what I see written on his face. We have a silent, expression only, conversation, the kind you can only have with someone whom you’re very close with.

‘What the fuck!’

‘Huh?’

‘Don’t be coy with me, asshole.’

‘Is everything's okay?’

‘I can’t fucking believe you have to ask!’

Followed by an eye roll and complete dismissal, Colin walks off as he says.

“I’m going to the bar.”

I watch him go, I’m totally confused by what’s happening, he’s clearly upset with me but I don’t know why. Instead of walking to the bar, he exits the club.

“Whoa! Colin left the club,”

I crane my neck, trying to see more, but he’s gone! Quinn looks at me in mock surprise.

“Oh, really? That’s so fucking strange.”

I’m trying to figure out why Quinn’s being so sarcastic when Ryan starts yelling at me.

“Colin is upset because you were about to make love to him on the dance floor (Ryan points in that direction) then, all of a sudden, you stopped dancing to go pick up this (he points at Ben) auburn dreamboat at the bar! You two were laughing and having a good ‘ol time!”

He looks at me with concern.

“Colin was so disappointed and angry that he had to go outside for ten minutes to cool his jets, only to come back and find you two had moved your little party from the bar to the dance floor! I thought Colin was going to spontaneously combust!”

Ryan takes a sip of his drink.

“I—”

“Then you two sit here talking about morning after breakfast, picking up cars, and making it obvious that he (he points at Ben) is staying the night with you (he points at me)! Probably in the same bed you and Colin have woke up together in every morning for the last month...including this morning!”

I defend myself and Ben.

“Ben is my college roommate! We’ve never even kissed, let alone anything else!”

“Well, none of us knew that! You didn’t add that tidbit of information with any of the introductions as any normal person would!”

He turns to Quinn and makes a mock introduction.

“Hello, Quinn! This is Ben, my old college roommate.”

Quinn concludes their how to tutorial.

“Nice to meet you, Ben. Thank you for that information, Ryan, now I know he’s not a random hookup so I won’t make any assumptions that could possibly ruin the relationship that neither of us are man enough to admit to.”

I look at Ben.

“You’re getting a hotel tonight. I have to go find Colin.”

I grab my jacket and run out of the bar.