A Long Way From Home - 5. Chapter 5 TRUST AND LOVE

I’d been in a deep funk for two weeks. It was like, I could go to work with a smile on my face and a fake spring in my step, but all I wanted, when I wasn’t working, was to just be left alone. Sure, these people that I met tried to talk, and invite me to this and that. I just didn’t have it in me to be a part. Mainly, I went to the beach and watched the waves. Fine, I will tell you some of my thoughts, but understand I was in a dark place at that time.

Yes my mother, obviously she was right. I’m going to Hell because I’m a fag. She’s right, all fags go to Hell. It seemed justifiable when you think about the 7 deadly sins;

Gluttony-excess eating and drinking. For the drunkards and glutton will become poor and drowsiness will clothe them in rags. ‘I had always just taken that as literal words, first off excess, who draws that line? Second, as long as I work and wear nice clothes, well then I’m good. But now, I see it in the chaos of my life. Eating and Drinking are necessary to sustain life. And, so is love, and well sex too. Excess is like over doing, constantly looking for love and having sex with multiple people hoping to find it. I actually argued with my own spirit over whether it’s the same. I’m not sure I have or will ever find a definite answer.

Well, I’m not going to go through Greed, Wrath, Lust, and Laziness, because you see what my mind was doing and the torture I was putting myself through. For what though? Heaven, satisfaction, maybe peace of mind?

So, say the torture of worrying and picking apart my every thought and desire is the real Hell. And, say peace of mind is just discovering your true self as well as helping our fellow man. I can say it sounds like Heaven. Well, at least that’s the jest of the battle that raged in my head during that time.

I started watching Jarred and Josh bonding and spending more time together. Jarred would wave at me and motion for me to join, I still smiled and shook my head no. Jim had finally won Stacy’s affection and would give me the thumbs up and would yell up to me to come down, I’d smile and shake my head no. Todd, he found a new girlfriend, but still, he would give me strange sad looks when the girl wasn’t paying attention. I would just turn and leave. Josh? Well, Josh is Josh, I don’t think Josh is very aware of much of the world around him. He just plugs away doing his thing. He does wave when he actually sees me.

Depression is a very powerful emotion, it’s definitely a Hell. I was having difficulty escaping from it’s bonds. There was one person on this planet who’d know exactly what I am going through, and I couldn’t think of any other way to get help. I drove into town and found a cell phone shop. I had been thinking about getting one for some time, I just didn’t want to pay for one. But, by that time they were improving quickly so I joined the band wagon. I drove to Ft Myers beach where I would be able to talk privately, plus I want to find Dixie, to talk to, she’s a great go to, but I am struggling with words to say to someone like her.

“Hey Brad, it’s Daniel, your brother. How are you?” He answered so professionally that I thought I might have gotten the wrong number.

“DANIEL, where the HELL have you been? I can understand why you didn’t want to talk to the rents, but why shut me out? I thought for sure you would have kept me up to date with all your escapades.” He really did sound disappointed.

“Awe man, it wasn’t anything to do with you, you know you’re my best friend forever. I’ve been going through some things that I don’t know if I understand it, let alone how you’d handle it. I don’t know, I just wanted time to go through it before I tried to reach out.” It sounded really lame, and I knew Brad would see right through it.

“Bullshit, you know damn well you couldn’t ever make me think about you any differently than I do right now.” He was right, but to tell him makes it seem permanent.

“I know, but now I feel like it’s a challenge. Like, give it your best shot and prove ne wrong Daniel.” I could feel the tears forming on the tops of my eye lids.

“I fucking love the way you think brother. But, let’s do this, go ahead, prove me wrong.” He even chuckled saying it.

“Fuckin fine asshole, I think I might be gay or something. How’s that does that do the trick for you?” It was met with pure silence.

“Wow, you got me with that one. Have you told mom yet? I can’t believe I am going to say this, but she’s right, you are definitely going to Hell and you must be destroyed.” Now the silence was mine. “No, I don’t believe that shit! Damn. I thought you knew me better than that. Hell, I’ve sucked a couple dicks before and had my dick sucked by a few more guys than I care to say. Guys are just better at it than girls. Damnit, why does it have to mean anything? Why does everyone put labels on everything? I just wanna live, my girlfriend has been with girls, so what. Is it supposed to hurt my ego? I think it’s hot! And she sometimes brings a guy friend that she thinks I might wanna play with. Who’s business is it anyway what we do?” I really set him off, but not the way I thought it might.

I couldn’t believe he sucked a dick! “Wow, I can’t believe I didn’t know my brother, my BFF is Gay! You sucked a DICK, more than one! You’re a, a, A FAG!” I was smiling from ear to ear because the people walking past were in complete shock, I mouthed the words ‘it’s my brother, we’re just messing with each other’ the one lady put her hand on her chest and this guy across from me started cracking up.

“I’m not GAY, you’re the one who’s buying into that shit, not me! Ok fag boy, why do you think you deserve that label? Did you fall in love?” He really didn’t wait for the answer. “Look Bro, I love you and if you want to bring your husband to my kids birthday parties I will welcome him with open arms. I’d even tell my kids that he’s their uncle too. If you told me you have a wife and two husbands, I’d be like, you always were selfish and if you don’t share with me I’m gonna tell mom and dad!” Oh my GOD, we were laughing so hard, I had tears streaming down my face. People were looking at me from every direction, but I couldn’t stop.

“Could you imagine her face? She would throw her bible at expecting it to disintegrate you into a million tiny pieces!” That would be awesome.

“Daniel, you know, ass well as I do, dad wouldn’t even look up from his newspaper and give us a high five. Hell, I bet you everything I’ve got that him and Grady have sucked each other off at least once.” I fucking lost my mind laughing at the thought of our dad and his BFF doing anything gay.

“Brad, I miss you, I’m sorry I haven’t called you. I’ve been so confused.” All my laughter instantly turned to tears. I knew why, it was because it felt so good to laugh and I didn’t deserve to laugh.

“Daniel, stop it. You’re the best person I know, There’s nothing you can’t do if you go at it hard. You’re my big brother, You keep me safe.” I love my brother.

We talked about an hour more about the resort and the drive here. He said he is going to get on a plane as soon as he can to come meet Dixie and Anne. He loves her and hasn’t eclipse met her. I begged him to come and he said I couldn’t stop him now.

**********
I felt a million times better when I got off the phone. I kind of kicked myself for waiting so long. But, at least I can go visit Dixie at the restaurant and not be a bumbling mess. I saw Anne first and she was very busy with a customer, but she still smiled and pointed to the kitchen. Dixie was working on some paperwork in the office. “Daniel! What a treat, why haven’t you come by sooner, is everything alright?”

“How do you know me so well?” I gave her a big hug.

“Daniel, when are you going to realize you remind me of my Daniel, and not just by name. You’re both so alike. Come tell me everything.” She closed the door.

“I can’t keep you from your work, I would just be wasting your time.”

“Nonsense, Anne and the staff will be just fine, besides I wasn’t even going to be here today. Hey, why don’t we take the boat out?” Well she knew she had me with my smile.

In about 20 minutes we were winding through the maze of canals to head out into the gulf. I told Dixie everything while she waved at her neighbors and friends on other boats. She listened the entire time and waited until she moored the boat on a small sandbar.

“Daniel, I look forward to meeting Brad, he sounds like my kind of person. I have loved all your friends I’ve met, you have a better judge of character than you give yourself credit for. Tommy included, I got a letter from him the other day and he sounds like he’s doing pretty good, even thinks he may get out earlier than he thought. Todd is a very nice guy, I like him a lot, but that doesn’t mean he has to be your lover. Let time have time. Don’t cut your friends off and just have fun, safely but don’t let religion be the reason for not living.” She had laid out a blanket and poured us some cranberry juice with 7up.

“I felt like I had fallen into a pit that had no way out. I knew that I was either trying to fill the void in my heart for Kyle with something else, or I was trying to forget I even met him. But, Dixie, I don’t want to forget him.” I reached out and held her hand.

We sat like that for a few minutes until Dixie reached into her little bag she’d gotten the drinks from. “I also got this in the mail, it’s addressed to you. I didn’t want to give it to you until I was sure you would be ok.” She handed me a large envelope with the return address from Kyle.

She knew when I saw who it was from that I’d still have tears, even if I’m better. Dixie started rubbing my back the moment she handed it to me. “Open it Daniel.” She was right, this is the best time and place.

Carefully I opened the seal, then I slid the entire content onto the blanket. Besides what was obviously a long letter, there were pictures. The ones we had taken on the beach that day. On these I could see the love in his eyes when he looked at me. I cried so hard thinking about the torture he’d gone through. And, I cried for what might have been. Dixie suggested getting back on the boat before reading the letter. She had the boat skimming across a rare calm on the Gulf.

Daniel,

I hope with my whole being that you are well and making friends. I hid that camera from my parents that day, I knew how precious it would be to me some day. I don’t want you to think about what they may or may not have tried to do to me, I’m stronger than they know. Our time together gave me the confidence to endure anything that they’d to throw at me.

My father has many connections and was able to have me shipped away without my consent. Basically, that my dependency on him financially was evidence that I could not make life decisions for myself. It’s taken quite a while to gain my independence and freedom. But, I an stronger from it all.

No, I haven’t met anyone new yet, I am taking time to myself. I am heading to Europe tomorrow for several months. I will be backpacking through the entire continent. I am beside myself with excitement, but I can’t deny I would have rather’d to have you beside me. This will be good for me though, so just pray for my wellbeing please.

The pages that follow are a collection of poems and notes I had written for you while I fought to stay sane. Thank you, thank you for showing me what love feels like, thank you for knowing how to explain things in a way I can understand. In time I hope we will meet again, but until then please live and love, you deserve it.

Love forever and ever,

Kyle
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The rest of the day was filled with tears, and some laughter, as Dixie and I poured over the poems and notes that Kyle had written. We had to agree we had no clue that he was capable of even having such deep feelings. It was like looking into the soul of a clown, in all the hidden parts that no person has ever seen. I realized how entirely lucky I am to have known such an amazing person as him. I really do hope that we might meet again, but it would need to be in the universe’s time that God determines is best. Until then, he will truly be, My First Love.

********

It was in the late afternoon on a Thursday that Brad’s plane finally landed at Ft Myers airport. The moment I saw him all became right in the world. We hugged a true hug carrying so much meaning and love. I am blessed to have the best brother in the entire world. “I’m so glad to see you again Danny Boy.”

Alright, I had lied to Todd, but to be fair, Brad has never called me Dan, it has always been been Danny.

“Man, you look different. Do you have wrinkles?” I point at his face.

Brad swatted my hand away, “No, I do not have wrinkles!”

“Oh, I get it.” I started whispering, “They’re stretch marks around your mouth from sucking dicks.” I kept a surprised accusing look.

“Well, I see your gay mouth hasn’t changed a bit, you’ve probably been sucking dicks our whole life.” Brad kissed my cheek.

We talked the whole way to the island. I managed to get time off and permission to stay at a cottage on the resort with Brad. I couldn’t wait to show him around. He told me all about his business in California and the pain he’d endured to get it going. I am very impressed at his tenacity, who knew he had that much drive in him? He must get it from dad.

We parked at the Hole and left his things in the car. We first went to my place and then we saw Jarred at the pool. “Jarred, I want you to meet my brother Brad. This is my friend Jarred from California’s finest surfers.” They both shook hands with nice to meet ya back and forth.

“Jarred where in California are you from?” Brad went right into his typical friendly charm that I’ve always known.

“Santa Barbara mostly, but I am a full SoCal guy with friends and connections all the way down to Diego.” I could tell Jarred was happy to explain his California life to.

“Sweet, I live in Tustin and build pools from Riverside to Temecula and the coast along that basic stretch. Someday I hope to be able to cover all of South Central and SoCal.” I heard the pride in Brad’s voice.

“Far out, that’s a feet just in the spread you’ve done so far. I have a cousin in North Tustin, she loves it out there.” Jarred hit Brad’s button.

“Wow, I’m actually in Crawford Canyon straight up Chapman Avenue from there!”

“My cousin lives a block away from Chapman. Awesome!”

They continued with their connection until I reminded Brad we need to check in and we’ll be back to see Jarred later. It’s great to see Jarred come alive like that though. Never having seen the cottages on the inside before I was blown away. It was simply incredible, every detail was exquisite. Two bedroom en-suite and an additional half bath, small but gorgeous kitchen, and a large private patio with a jacuzzi. Brad of course went straight for the jacuzzi and threw off all his clothes. “Damnit Danny, don’t make me chase you!”

That really caught my attention. Brad is my younger brother, however, he has always barked orders at me with consequences if I refuse. I had been thinking this whole submissive thing lately was new. Turned out, not so much. With that said, I got naked and got in the jacuzzi, Shut up. Brad talked a lot about jacuzzis, pros and cons. He’s been building them into pools, but he has been seeing better portable ones lately and been considering the market they cover.

”So. Big Brother, does your little friend Jarred play?” Brad wiggled his brows up and down.

”Whooa, Raging Stallion. You just got here, right after you tell me you’ve sucked dick before, and now you’re wanting to make moves on my friends?” I put on a disgusted face.

”That’s a good summary, did you do him too? Dude, you’re my brother, I know you’re a little slut. SPILL.” He actually looked Giddy.

“Ok, but look, these kinds of things are delicate. He’s essentially Bi Straight. So you can’t just walk up and say, ‘Hey, you wanna fuck?’ You gotta put on a show and make him feel like it’s his idea.” I was trying to convince him to not even try.

”Oh damn, he gets fucked? Dude, let’s go see if he’s still around.” Fucking Brad started getting out and drying off.

”No Brad, I don’t want to think about you fucking my friends!” I was damn serious now.

”Really, you mean like your friend Chris from Highschool? Or, Greg, maybe Steve?” Brad had a scary grin on his face.

”No fucking way. You did not suck off half our football team.” I refused to believe it.

”Just the better half.” He made a hand gesture for large sizes. “I’ll make you a deal, you hook me with your friend and I will tell you about yours.”

”oh, my, GOD. You did!” I put my face in my towel I was drying off with, then I looked Brad in the eyes. “That’s why Chris had to go...”

”To the bathroom so many times.” Brad finished my sentence.

”What the fuck!?!? How could I be so ignorant? It all makes sense now.” My mind was going a million miles a minute.

”Danny Boy, we gotta get dressed and get back to your dorm.” He dragged me into the cottage.

”The Hole.”

He stopped, “What?”

”We call it the Hole.”

”Of course you do.” He got a good chuckle out of that.

We made it down to see Jarred heading to his building with some dude I didn’t know. Brad pushed me to catch up to Jarred, but before I could even say anything, Brad came up beside me, “Hey are guys going to party? If you are, can we come?”

Jarred glanced at me and I did a half shrug. Then he looked at the other guy. “Hell yes, the mire the merrier. Name’s Zach.” Jarred introduced us as we started walking. Then Zach chimed in again, “I moved in today to Jarred’s old place.”

”What? Where’d you go?”

”Jim and Stacy rented a house on Bowmans Beach, so I got Jim’s place.”

We had just made it to Jim’s old door and was invited in by Jarred. I was surprised how bright and beachy it was. Jarred pulled out a bong, “Anybody want to hit this?” He asked as he packed the bowl.

The bong made it around twice and I had just a good buzz. “Hey Jarred, I guess Jim never got that mirror off.”

He smiled, “No, I figure I will try one of these days.”

Brad butt in, “Anyone got any beer?”

”Hey, there’s some in the fridge at my place next door, I open, help yourself.” Zach was very likable but Brad looked lost. Jarred came to his rescue, I’ll show you, I want one anyway, how about you guys?”

Zach and I both raised our hands and they took off. I got up and pretended to try getting the mirror off of the door. Zach came up beside me. “What are you doing Daniel?”

”The guy who lived here before, hated this mirror.” I opened the door to point out the other mirror. “He thought it was stupid to have two of them. But it was an ongoing joke that he couldn’t get it down. It was more fun to make fun of him than to help.” I said as I tried jiggling it.

”Do you mind if I try?” I stepped aside and ushered him to the door. “My mom had one just like this. These are slide rails at the top and the bottom. If you pull out these tabs on the side of them, you can slide them....” Zach went silent.

”Wow, looks like someone punched a hole in the door. They even tried to tape it up. I bet they just put the mirror up to not pay for a new door.” I kept staring at it.

”You don’t know what that is?” I shook my head as if ‘how could I’. “It’s a gloryhole.”

”My brother and I grew up in the country, I have no idea what you are saying.”

”Here, you stand here.” Then he went in the bathroom and shut the door. After, he got the other mirror off he said, “does that help you understand?”

”Is it supposed to?”

”Fine, but I better not hear you telling anyone about this.”

”What would I be saying....., Oh.” I stood there for a second. “Why would anyone want to put their dick in a hole like that?”

”Ok, now you put your dick through.” As I did he started stroking my flaccid dick as it became hard. “That’s my dick dude, but shit that feels good.” After I said that, Zach started softly sucking on it. “Fuck, dude, that ain’t right. But damn it feels good.”

Zach stopped suddenly, ok my turn as he pushed his dick through and pushing me out. This time his dick was hard and leaking streams of precum. “I don’t think I know how.”

”Yes you do, I know you have a dick, do what you’d do to yourself and you will be great.” I thought that was hot the way he explained it. Just as I was getting a pace I enjoyed, they came back with the beers. Brad got excited, “Hey, looks like they found it already. He got on his knees next to me and started pushing me away. Brad started deep throating Zach and really going to town. I looked at Jarred who was smiling, I pointed at my dick and Jarred knew what to do. He started sucking me next to Brad sucking Zach. I looked down and saw Brad had his hand down the back of Jarred’s shorts and was definitely finger banging his hole.

I shooed Brad away so he could get what he came here for and by the time I was sliding into the bathroom Brad had the back of Jarred’s shorts down with his dick up that ass. I shut the door and turned the lights off. Zach and I sucked against the sink, against the door, on the wall, in the shower, and on the floor. But when I sat on the toilet seat Zach sat on my dick. I used his leaking precum to lubricate my hand as I stroked his dick and he plunged up and down on mine. We didn’t moan or groan. The only sounds we heard was the juicy rhythm of my hand working over his dick from the head down to his balls. The other main sound came from the toilet seat as I was rocking into his ass and he thrust back down. We created a pace that was going to take us both over the cliff. I caught most of his cum in my hades but we were plunging most of mine out into a frothy mess.

We got in the shower to clean up, when we were dried and came out of the bathroom, Brad and Jarred were sitting on the couch. “About fucking time. Do you realize that while we were getting the beer Jarred and I sucked each other’s dicks and I came in his ass. Then we get here and I shot another load of cum up in him. We got bored waiting for you,” Jarred chuckled, “so I fucking rode Jarred’s dick like a mechanical bull until I got his cum up in me. All of that, before you even got in the shower.”