Beyond A Colour - 5. Chapter 5

“OK, so Ry, your brother, he’s back in California?” Lorraine asked.

I know I can jump around sometimes, and don’t always get things in the right order, and Lorraine works really hard to help me try and sort that stuff out. I guess it also helps her to know what the fuck I’m going on about sometimes too. I don’t know how to even begin to explain how she looks today.

“Yeah, Ry runs this amazing little coffee and bakery place in Santa Barbara. It's a long story, but he's doing really well for himself.”

“OK then. And Jo? You mentioned him before… ‘good kind of complicated, just a friend, now’ I think?”

Oh, Jo. How do I even…?

“Jo, it’s Jonah actually, he works for Ry. He is super cool. And I guess he’s my most recent ex-boyfriend. I mean, I don’t have like hundreds of ex-boyfriends. Actually I only have two. Actually, no, one, and a half, because the other one was never really technically my boyfriend but it counts for a bit. And even Jo was… well it’s not like it was the biggest relationship or anything.”

“OK. And a not-boyfriend who still sort of counts as a boyfriend?” I can see Lorraine is trying to keep track of all this.

“He’s a cunt. Sorry. But he was and he fucking destroyed my life. I still hate him, kind of.”

“Not Jo, the other one?”

“God no, not Jo. I could never hate Jo, he’s… umm…”

It’s still so easy for me to remember him, to see him, to smell him, to feel him, and it still hurts whenever I do.

“Jo also makes the best triple chocolate cheesecake brownies in the fucking world.” This is in no way an adequate description of Jo but it’s all I could say.

“That sounds like a very appealing quality in a boyfriend, assuming you like triple chocolate cheesecake brownies?”

I grinned at Lorraine, she knows exactly what she is doing I’m sure.

“Yeah, it’s one of his many good qualities.” I said.

“So… how come he’s the ex-boyfriend?” A fair question I suppose.

“I guess moving 6000 miles away isn't really helpful in a relationship, and, things were very fucked up last time I was over there.”

“Yes, you said that before. Do you want to talk about what was going on?”

Today, Lorraine was wearing what I can only describe as dungarees, but with a lot of flowers and stuff stitched over them. I mean, people must literally stare at her if she goes outside dressed like that, right? Yes, I know. Another distraction.

“OK well, ‘he’ was happening. The Cunt.”

“OK. And is he allowed a name?” She asked.

A name? A fucking name! Like it’s such a simple and obvious thing to ask, right?

“No, he isn’t allowed a name. He doesn’t deserve one.”

“Right, OK.”

“So we met online, this is The Cunt, somehow, I don’t even know how but we did…”

I remember exactly how, but no matter how amazing this lady is at her job, there are some things I’m not going to tell her.

“… he was 16, a year older than me but only really a few months. And we just… it was just so easy, you know? It was really easy to talk with him, I mean, we used to message each other mostly, but you know, it was super easy and fun.”

“That sounds nice?”

“Ha ha, yeah, doesn’t it? But it turned out not to be. Anyway, I was in the middle of all this ‘nice’ stuff but also, as it finally turned out, approaching my meltdown point.”

“OK, is that what we’re calling it? Your meltdown point?” There wasn’t any judgement in her voice.

“It’s better than psychotic episode I think. So… yeah… things had been getting difficult, like, I was all over the place and eventually just stopped being able to go to school completely. And Mum was… scared I guess, and stressed, so she took some time off, worked remotely, and we went back home, to Santa Barbara, for a few months.”

“Both of you?”

“Yeah, so Ry still lives there but Mum sold our old house when we first came to the UK. She was going to rent somewhere but in the end we stayed with Ry.”

“I’m imagining it was really good to see him again and be able to spend time with him?”

“Oh yeah! I think maybe Mum was hoping it might help me, you know? I guess I hoped that too.”

“And what happened? You’re in the middle of something that seemed to be amazing with.. with…” She asked.

“With The Cunt, yeah… and things were good out in California, you know, for a short time…”

I kind of trailed off, remembering just how things had gone.

“It’s OK Blue, we don’t have to talk about this right now…”

“No, I know. But I want to try and tell you what actually happened, not just what they wrote about me in all those files.”

“OK then, let’s see how we go.”

“So I’m still in the middle of all this amazing time with him, The Cunt, but we’d never actually met although we talked about it so much and had made plans… and then I’d met Jo at this party at Ry’s house and we kind of… “

I paused with the realisation and Lorraine didn’t feel any need to fill the space, just allowing me to think.

“So I met Jo at the party, and I was kind of OK still, I mean, not OK, but not getting worse I think, but… Fuck? Is that when it got worse? Fuck!”

~~~~~

We’d been in Santa Barbara for a week or so, Mum and me, staying with Ry. It was supposed to be a short visit, a couple of weeks. Of course things didn’t end up like that, but none of us knew that then. Ry was having a low-key party, some friends, some of the people that work for him. He thought it would be good for us to meet them, see a bit of his life as we are usually pretty far away.

Of course this is Ry, so there was lots of amazing baking, and lots of alcohol too. I tried to hold back, but in truth, I was fairly drunk pretty quickly. I was definitely a little bit drunk by the time I talked to the most beautiful guy in the room. OK, so technically, I stood there trying not to stare at him, and he spoke to me, but so what?

“Hey, you must be Blue, Ry talks about you all the time! I’m Jo.”

Do you know that feeling when you’re smiling without meaning too? Like the first time I smoked weed and I suddenly could feel myself smiling for no reason. I’d just retrieved another bottle of beer from the cooler, so didn’t have any easy excuse to leave. I don’t think I really wanted to anyway.

“Yeah, that’s me. And whatever he says, it’s all lies.” I was aiming for cool and casual but probably didn’t pull that off successfully.

“Ha ha, no way, he loves you for sure. But damn he did not say how cute you are!”

I think probably my eyes actually popped out of my head at this point. Super-hot guys don’t just walk up and say stuff like that to you. Not to me anyway.

“So, a few of us are heading down to the beach, you want to come?” He asked. And like, he was asking me. Me!?

“Erm.. sure, I guess.”

I wasn’t sure I did, but I was slightly in awe of him I think. And that’s what happened, the party unofficially moved to the beach. I was definitely too drunk to have gone swimming in the ocean, but I did anyway. And I was probably too drunk for Jo to have pulled me close like he did and kiss me, but he did anyway, and I kissed him right back. Then we fell over into the surf and laughed.

~~~~~

“So, yeah, he kissed me, I kissed him back, we swam in the ocean. It was…. pretty awesome actually.”

“OK” Said Lorraine, I think it was also a question.

“But at the same time, I’m still in the middle of this thing with…”

“With The Cunt?” I still can’t quite get over when this lady uses language like that!

“Yeah, with him, so like, me and Jo were not like boyfriends or anything, not then. I think we were just really good friends real quick.”

“Ok, yes.” Lorraine was narrowing her eyes slightly, which I knew meant that she has questions, but she didn’t interrupt me.

“And I guess I started hanging out at the coffee place quite a bit, and would see him there most days, and we talked and stuff. And we would go out sometimes, like to see a movie or do something after he finished work.”

“Uhuh.”

“And he would, like, show me all the best places to eat. Oh my god, one weekend he took me to this place, and it was like… just the most amazing time. So it’s right at the end, like literally, right at the end of the pier and they basically only sell crab. Like, that’s literally almost the only thing on the menu.”

“I can see you really smiling Blue.”

“Yeah, it was so fucking cool. And I’d, like, never eaten a whole crab like that before because I used to be super weird about food, and it’s just, like, there, on the plate in front of you, and massive. So we’re sat at a table outside this little shack place, just me and Jo, and the moon is bright, and of course the ocean looks amazing, and you can see it between the boards underneath us. But Jo showed me how to eat it all and get all the best bits of meat and it is honestly, like literally the best thing I have ever eaten in my whole life.”

“That sounds…”

“It was amazing. And I remember just, like, looking at him, and seeing how beautiful he is…. And then later we just… I don’t know, we walked along the beach and talked and he was holding my hand and…”

“Is this just me? That sounds a lot like a date Blue.”

I smiled and laughed at the same time.

“Yeah, it does, doesn’t it? I’m so fucking stupid, but I didn’t think it was a date back then. We were just friends.”

Loraine just looked at me, with the slightest hint of a raised eyebrow.

“OK, friends who sometimes held hands and kissed.”

I could see her smiling too.

“So, like, we talked about everything, and I told him all about my stupid bipolar diagnosis because I hadn’t collected any more back then, even though they were so completely wrong, and no medication because doctors are stupid… and all about The Cunt.”

I’d paused again, apparently. I don’t know where I’d gone to in my head, but Lorraine brought me back.

“And what did Jo say?” Lorraine asked. I hate it when I don’t know how long I’ve just missed. Was it a second, a few seconds, a minute? I really fucking hate it when that happens.

“Jo said he sounds like a fake and I should be careful. Which was pretty hard to hear actually because that was not where I was at, like at all.”

“Right, you thought he was…”

“I thought he was perfect. How fucking stupid is that? I’m right there with literally a perfect guy who is actually there and obviously really cares and likes me and… and I’m like ‘nah, this boy I only know from the internet, who I’ve never actually met, is my perfect guy, so I’ll just be friends with Jo.’ Fucking idiot!”

“But you didn’t know that then.” Lorraine clarified.

“Yeah, I had no idea. And he was like super-jealous of Jo, which I just didn’t understand at all.”

“The Cunt was jealous of Jo?”

“Yeah he was always like telling me not to spend too much time with him, and to be really careful about telling him stuff. That’s fucking irony, right?”

“It is?”

“Ha, yeah, it really is. Because, well, Jo was right in the end.”

“Hmmm.”

Lorraine must have like a million different ways of not saying anything, and not necessarily agreeing with me, and yet still saying something all at the same time, without actual words.

“So it was after that when… umm…”. I swallowed hard, that lump in my throat had returned. “It was a couple of weeks after that when Ry took the day off and we went up to Monterey…”

“Blue, I want to stop you there. Are you sure you want to talk about that day?”

Lorraine seemed genuinely concerned, which I guess is understandable. It was one of the worst days of my life. Kind of.

“No, yeah, I mean, I’m OK, honestly. I mostly don’t remember this stuff, it’s a lot of what Ry told me later. And I got the breathing thing, right? And the new thing. They really work sometimes too.”

“OK, but just because we start something, we can always stop again.” She said.

“So it’s like over 200 miles away, but I really wanted to go and he took the day off to drive us.”

“To Monterey? How come you wanted to go there?’

“How come? Oh wow, because they have like, literally the best aquarium, in the world. I’ve loved that place since I was a little kid when I used to go with my…”

I know I’m going to cry again, but I have no idea why.

“Blue?” She asked, gently.

“Sorry I… I don’t know why I’m… So it was this really great weather, like, it’s always great weather and we had the roof down on the way because Ry has this stupid cliché Mustang, and… it was really great to be out with Ry, just me and him…”

I was conscious of sniffing back tears, trying to stay in control, like, there’s a tsunami on the way and I’m trying to divert it using a spoon. Well-intentioned but ultimately fucking hopeless.

“So we had only just got there and I remember feeling so excited… I was really, really excited… right in the entrance, like the first real thing you come to is this huge, like, enormous tall tank, kind of in the lobby…I remember how when I was little I used to look up and it felt like it went up above me forever…”

By now the tears were coming…and I still had no idea why. Sure, the day had ended badly, but I knew that. This was a different feeling.

“I’m sorry… I don’t know why I’m crying… I was so happy right then… Genuinely happy… And I remember saying to Ry that I was gonna go to the bathroom, because, well, I don’t know that I wanted to use the bathroom but I didn’t want to have to come back halfway around. My Dad used to complain at me whenever I did that as a kid. And so I thought I would go while we are still there by the entrance…”

I couldn’t stop the crying, like at all, which was really confusing, and I knew Lorraine was doing her thing of coming closer to me, right on the edge of her chair, leaning towards me.

“It’s OK Blue, can you look at me? Here… yes, that’s good, hi.”

I don’t know where I had been looking, but I found her again, right in front of me. She smiled.

“You’re here, with me, just you and me, you’re safe, I’m safe, and we’re not at the aquarium.”

I thought this was a weird thing to tell me.

“And then I don’t know what happened, until later when I couldn’t find Ry and…I don’t know! I don’t know what happened…. Except, I must have gone, right? I must have gone to the bathroom because I remember thinking that everything was still in the same place although they had redecorated a bit.”

“Blue you look really frightened, can I come and sit next to you? Would that be OK?”

It was weird because I knew she was talking to me, I could hear her and everything, but she seemed really far away, and it might be better if she was closer. I nodded, because I couldn’t quite get the images out of my head enough to focus on her and respond.

“I remember opening the door, like, I mean I must have done, and feeling really, really sick. Just suddenly, instantly, I knew I was going to throw up, but I’m in this kind of corridor in the bathroom and the closest place I could get to was into the handicapped stall which is right there by the door, because I just knew I couldn’t stop from throwing up…”

“Blue, can I hold your hand? Would that be OK?”

I hadn’t really noticed when Lorraine had moved next to me, barely being able to see through my tears, but it was nice feeling someone close and I nodded again.

“And then… I remember being on the floor in the stall, crying like a fucking mess, ha, like now, and… and he was there! I thought, like, really thought he was there again. And I was there, again. Fuck…. FUCK! He was there and I was there and… NO! He can’t have been there , right? He can’t have been, can he? Only, I’m sure he was and I was so scared.”

“Who did you think was there Blue? Do you know?”

There were terrible noises coming from my throat that I didn’t really recognise and I had to really focus to pushing the words out past them.

“Dad… he was there, standing over me and… and… I was crying and…”

“He wasn’t there Blue, at least, not then…

Somehow she was holding me while I cried like a terrified child.

“You don’t know that… He was! He was there and… Oh god… You don’t know for sure…”

“I do, he wasn’t there when you went to the aquarium with Ry, and he isn’t here now, he’s in prison Blue.” Her tone was so perfectly even, so calm.

“It was like I had to fight with him to get out, but I did, somehow, and I ran, and I couldn’t find Ry, and then there are people looking at me and… staring and… I know I must have looked fucking crazy… and I don’t know what happened then.”

“It’s OK Blue, you’re OK, we’re safe here.”

“You don’t know, he… he could be…”

Lorraine loosened her hug a little and turned to face me more.

“OK Blue, can you look at me again, here? Yes, that’s great. Keep looking at me for now. Like we practiced OK? Say it with me. Right now I am feeling…”

“Scared. I’m really scared.”

I filled in the blanks, following the exercise she had made us practise just recently.

“And I am feeling in my body…” I said the words along with her, it was nice to not feel alone.

“Umm, I’m hot, and shaking, and my heart is beating fast and I’m breathing fast.”

“Because I am remembering…”

This is always the hard one. I know I have to name it, and nothing more, but fuck I still hate saying it.

“Because I am remembering my Dad… I am remembering him… r… hurting me…”

I just can’t say the real words for it, OK? You fucking try it.

“And at the same time, I am looking around where I am now…” Lorraine was nodding her head around the room, reminding me to look, to ‘notice’ as she puts it.

“Here in 2021, in Lorraine’s office” I continued the little process we had practiced.

“And I can see the shelves, and the books, and that awful lampshade, and the windows, and the door…” I said.

“And so I know…” Lorraine was prompting me again, thankfully.

“And so I know that my dad is not… hurting me any more.”

“That’s great Blue, well done.”

I seemed to have stopped crying, almost, and tried to pull myself back together a bit, taking the tissues she has on permanent stand-by and wiping my face.

“Wha- what just happened?” I asked her.

“I don’t know for certain, but I think maybe you just put something together that you haven’t remembered for a really long time.”

We sat in silence for a few moments.

“So can we talk about something else, please, what were we talking about before?” I asked.

Lorraine moved back across into her usual chair.

“Sure, you were telling me about Jo.”

“Oh, right… ummm, yeah, well, so, after Monterey, after that, I was in hospital for a few days. Like, apparently I just didn’t calm down, like, at all. Ry said I yelled at him and punched him for most of the ride home. At first, I was near to Ry in Sanata Barbara but I couldn’t stay there because, I don’t know, like I wasn’t old enough for them to treat me or insurance or something, so I got moved to the unit out in LA. I mean, it’s nowhere fucking near LA but that’s what they call it. And that’s when Jo unofficially became my boyfriend, I think.”

“Unofficially?”

“Yeah, well, I don’t really remember the first few weeks but Ry told me how Jo would drive out like every day. Every day! It was like over an hour away on a good day. And he would come see me, and bring me brownies, and then come back the next day even when I told him repeatedly to fuck off, because, well, it seems that’s what I did a lot.”

“He seems really special.” Lorraine, sayer of the obvious.

“Jo was like a total miracle boyfriend. And once Ry got used to the idea of him and me, then it was kinda amazing. But I guess even miracles are not always enough, right? So we kind of agreed to just be friends.”

There was another pause, and even though I knew what the answer should be, I needed to hear it from Lorraine.

“He’s not here, is he.” It was a hopeful statement more than a question.

“No Blue, your Dad is not here, he’s not even in this country. He’s in prison. You’re safe here.”

I don’t know exactly how many of my sessions with Lorraine have ended with me sobbing. But I know it’s a lot.