Stronger Than Lions - 9. Laws of Motion

Anybody who has done high school physics knows Newton’s Third Law. For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. You push against a wall; it pushes back against you. There is poetry hidden in the laws that underpin the universal fabric, and so we search for meaning ever hungrier, even with desperation. The symmetry in the equations freaks us out—for all we know, there is just us on this lonely little marble in the inky void.

We want union with something, even if the opposite seems true. Bring two atomic nuclei together and their positive electrostatic forces will first repel each other, yet, with the patience and strength of the blind god of the galaxies, there comes a point where something bigger takes over and welds them together. Physicists call this the Strong Nuclear Force; I’ve called this magic glue God. All the elements heavier than helium were so formed, forged in the great hearts of the stars: sulphur, potassium, gold, radium. Everything you can think of.

* * *

We walked back to the cottage as the afternoon bronzed into auburn. We held each other’s hands shyly, even awkwardly, getting used to the sensation.

‘I was thinking,’ Chris said as we reached the cottage.

‘What?’

‘Can I still call you "bru"? Can you still call me "dude"?’

I snorted. ‘Dude, there’s your answer. Besides, the world might end if a Durban boy was ever prevented from saying "bru".'

‘Ha... am I allowed I call you “sexy” though?’ His voice was all unsure and bashful.

'Sexy?' I blinked and sat down on the bench next to the front door. ‘No-one’s called me that before.’

He sat down beside me and put my left hand in his right, tracing out the big dorsal vein with his fingers. It felt like he was drawing a line on my soul.

‘Your hands are so beautiful,’ he said. 'I don't think you know how hot you are.'

‘Stop it. You’re so hot I want to fucking cream myself every time you touch me.’

‘I also can’t believe someone so cute has such a filthy mouth.’

‘I contain multitudes,’ I said with a smirk. ‘But did you really feel that way about me the first time you saw me? I mean, aren’t you supposed to be all hung up on girls? They flock around you all the time, and you don’t seem to notice them.’

He placed his hands on my shoulders. ‘Okay, sure, bru. I’ve dated girls. I’ve been in relationships. God knows I've jerked off to all sorts of body parts. But you kind of did a Control-Alt-Delete on my brain. Maybe I was in love with you before I realised I was in love with, well, a guy.’

I was silent.

‘I didn’t mean like that’s a bad thing or anything, you dork. People being gay or straight or whatever doesn’t bother me. I just never expected this.’

‘What do you mean?’ I asked, cautious.

‘I've been feeling so confused, maybe for a while now. And now you've made it all clear.’

‘I have?’

‘Cal,’ he said, and brought his face close to mine. ‘I don't think I've ever fallen for someone so fast, and so hard.’

You’d think my heart would have leapt at this point. Instead a horror overtook me. I imagined Frank and Jason and Ed standing around me, chanting “faggot” over and over.

‘What is it, bru?’

I looked down. ‘I feel like I’ve detonated a big gay bomb on you without even knowing it,’ I groaned. ‘Maybe the guys at school are right. Maybe I am just a fucking faggot and I’ve somehow turned you gay.’

He looked stricken. ‘Oh my God, Cal. Don't you fuckin' ever talk about yourself that way. That word. it's… it’s just wrong, man.’

‘Do you really mean that?’ I said, trying very hard and failing to disguise the sudden arrival of some tears as a bout of allergies.

‘Hey, hey. How long have people been calling you that?'

I was silent.

'Mmm. And I guess a lot of them were people who... who sorta looked and acted... like, sporty? Like me?'

I bit my lip. 'Looked, maybe, but not acted. You don't act like them.'

'Oh, sweet guy. Come here.'

‘I don’t know what I am ,’ I said, my face mushing against his neck as he hugged me. ‘It’s never been an issue. because I’ve never dated.’ I drew away from the hug and exhaled. ‘I thought I liked girls until I started high school, and then I realised that I like boys too. A lot, sometimes. But I was like, whatever.’

‘Good,’ he said, drawing me close again. ‘I mean, for not judging yourself.’

I rubbed my temples. ‘This is so confusing. Are we, like, gay now? What does all this make us?’

He stared out at the valley for a few moments. ‘We’re just two people in love. Who are probably bi. Stop analysing everything, bru. Also, that was smooth of you man, making the first move.’

‘Well, someone had to,’ I said with a shrug. ‘I was so scared you’d freak out but I couldn’t handle it any more.’

‘I wanted to tell you, like, so many times. But I was freaking out that you’d run away.'’

‘Well, I’m here aren’t I? Maybe it's a bit complicated but…’

He cut me off. ‘No, It’s simple. I've already let slip that you're apparently my, uh, boyfriend now. Do I have to ask you like formally?'

He was pouting a little.

‘No,' I replied, amused. 'But I can’t help thinking it would be pretty fucking adorable if you did.’

He rolled his eyes, then leaned over dramatically, holding out his hand. 'Pretend I'm holding out a big fuckin' bunch of roses then. Should I bring you roses? I'm gonna have to bring you roses.’

‘Oh my god, dude…’

’You asked for it. No refunds. Here we go. Caleb fuckin' Macleod, I wanna be your guy. Will you be mine, bru?'

I was smiling so much my face was hurting. ‘Of course I will, dude. How could I say no to such glorious flowers?'

I took the imaginary bunch with a dramatic flourish and blew him a kiss.

* * *

The sun set and a chill descended on the valley. We made a fire and collapsed on the couch. Chris read while I cuddled up next to him listening to random shit my iPod. I didn’t really care, everything sounded awesome.

After supper we went upstairs and inspected Uncle Joe’s DVD collection. I found the director’s cut of Ridley Scott’s Alien. To my surprise Chris had never seen it.

‘Dude. It’s like one of the greatest science-fiction films of all time!’

Chris looked uneasy. ‘I’m kinda scared of stuff like that.’

'No way. You? Scared?'

‘I’m scared of a lot of things. Like spiders. Snakes too.’

‘A farm boy scared of snakes? I’ll protect you from the big bad alien. You have to see it.’

He looked at me with his eyebrows raised. ‘Okay. But I might have to hold on to you tightly.’

‘I doubt that would be a problem.’

I discovered Chris startled easily and would grab me during every jump-scare. He had a mini-panic attack during the chestburster scene. I tried not to laugh, revelling in the fact that the hottest guy in school was clinging onto me for dear life.

Finally the monster was sucked out of the airlock and Sigourney and the cat were safely in hypersleep.

‘Fuck,’ he said in shock as the credits rolled. ‘That was... awesome!’

‘Glad I convinced you,’ I said, pleased with what I had wrought. He was lying with his head on my chest and we’d ended up holding hands again. The sight of his fingers interlaced with mine was surreal. So this is what couples “do”.

'There should be an Alien/Star Trek crossover but like focused on the Borg,' he said lazily.

'Oooh,' I said. 'Imagine Ripley and Seven fighting side by side.'

'Hot. Definitely hot. I wonder who would win, though? If the Borg and the aliens went head to head?'

'Technically the critters are called xenomorphs,' I advised imperiously, looking down at my new boyfriend. 'Maybe the Borg would lose one cube to the xenomorphs, but they'd quickly adapt and then simply nuke the entire planet from space. Problem solved. Ripley joins Starfleet and she and Seven get their own spin-off series dispatching monsters across all four galactic quadrants.'

'I'd watch that.' He yawned. ‘I don’t know about you, sexy, but I’m ready for bed after all this excitement.’

I widened my eyes. ‘Bed?’

My mind was doing equations. Couple + Bed = Sex.

‘What’s wrong, bru? You look spooked.’

‘Uh. Us going to bed… does that mean we’re going to…’

'Easy there,' he said, squeezing my shoulder. 'I just meant I want to sleep, silly. Nobody's going to do anything they're not comfortable with.'

My sigh of relief was audible.

‘This isn't a race, bru. But I do hope that you’ll want to sleep with me tonight. As in, sleep right next to me, because I think I need to hold you all night long.

‘I will comply,' I said in my best Borg voice.

'Acceptable. Your new designation is Seven of Mine.'

'That's... actually very good for someone who pretends he's not a Trekkie,' I confessed.

'Irrelevant,' he shot back. His gender-flipped Jeri Ryan impersonation was scarily accurate and hot. 'Proceed to Unimatrix Bed for assimilation by cuddling. Fun will now commence.'

As I lay pillowed on Chris’ chest that night, I tried hard to stay awake. I wanted to experience every second of this, being held by him, hearing him snore softly while I listened to his steady heartbeat. I had never been this physically close to any person before. And yet, it felt like we'd been doing this forever.

* * *

I was woken up at around eight by my phone ringing. It was Rob, calling to ask if he and Bella could come up to the cottage a day earlier.

‘The grandparents want to go on some crazy bird watching trip near Montagu for the rest of the weekend. Dad said he’d rather chew his wrists off, so he’s decided he’d go back to Cape Town and said could drop us off on the way.’

‘Yeah, sure,’ I mumbled, still half-asleep, and rang off.

‘Hey,’ said Chris, stretching himself and rubbing his eyes. ‘What was that about?’

I told him.

Our mutual disappointment was almost tangible. I’d been looking so forward to spending another unsullied day with my boyfriend. Fuck. My boyfriend. The word felt so strange, so new.

‘‘I guess we’ve got to make hay while the sun shines.’ He pinned me down and started kissing me.

‘Gross,’ I protested, ‘you’ve got morning breath.’

* * *

We fetched Rob and Bella at the turn-off a few hours later. It felt weird, being in the company of other people again, even if these were my best friends. Chris and I hadn’t given a thought of how we were going to “be” around others. We hadn’t even figured out how to “be” with each other.

‘Are we going to tell them?’ I whispered to Chris as Rob and Bella took their stuff into their rooms.

‘I dunno,’ Chris whispered. ‘It might be awkward.’

‘Might be?! It’s weirding me out! I mean, I don’t mean that “us” is weird...’

‘I know,’ he said, putting a tentative hand on my shoulder. ‘It feels right to tell them soon, but let’s just have fun hanging out in the meantime?’

I was most worried about how we were going to explain the two of us sharing a bed. Chris pointed out that we had made that arrangement before we boarded the Romance Express, but I countered that he’d at least partly had an ulterior motive, earning him a guilty grin.

Fortunately, nobody asked.

We had a lazy lunch and sat around talking all kinds of shit. We even managed to get Rob to take a dip in the lake, despite his protests of blinding everybody with his pale skin. Bella saw fit to have a moment with her inner child in the forest, Chris read, and I listened to more music. I was only frustrated that I couldn’t hold Chris’s hand.

Or could I?

After a raucous evening of playing 30 Seconds and Pictionary and getting Rob tipsy on beer, which made him a bad and theatrical loser, we all decided to call it a night.

‘You boys are bunking together, I see,’ said Bella casually as she walked past the main bedroom.

I felt my heart racing. ‘We thought it might be easiest so you and Rob could each have your own room.’

‘Very gentlemanly of you two,’ said Bella. ‘I know Rob wouldn’t cope sharing. Must be an only child thing. And you know he’d complain about sleeping on the couch.’

I shuddered, thinking how much stomach acid I’d secreted unnecessarily.

* * * 

Chris was stretched out on the bed as I closed the door behind me.

‘Come here,’ he said, reaching out his arm. I wasted no time in snuggling up to him.

‘Finally,’ I said, and craned my head up to finally be close to him.

Perhaps it was the thrill of having other people in the house, or perhaps it was the pent-up pressure of not having any physical contact with him for nearly twelve hours, but our kisses were different. They were frantic, aggressive, as if we wanted to inhale each other. My pants were uncomfortable within seconds and before I knew it I had edged a hand inside Chris’s boxers and caressed the top of his thigh. His bulge brushed against the back of my hand, and we both shivered.

‘Oh man,’ he said, breaking our kiss briefly.

‘That good?’ I asked. He nodded, eyes closed. I continued stroking his thigh, but very slowly let my hand move between his legs. Curiosity and desire had taken hold of me and I was drunk on it all. I bit my lip and reached out and cupped him. He groaned and twitched. It felt strange, so hard and yet so soft, and also, so good.

He was breathless ‘Cal. are you sure? Cause I’m not going to say no…oh God that is good…’

‘I’m sure,’ I said, tickling his chest with my other hand. ‘Perhaps if we, um, got you a bit freer?’

He wasted no time in losing all his clothes. Holy shit, I thought. There was a nude blond god lying next to me, and I was playing with his raging hard-on. I’d never seen him hard before and I stared at him, half-shocked. But I continued, in a trance, gripping him, stroking him slowly up and down. He squirmed and murmured, breathing heavily. His hand reached out and rested on my cheek. It was such a tender gesture, and I was overcome with a giddy mixture of lust and awe.

He turned to his side and cupped his other hand around mine where I was touching him.

‘Cal,’ he said gently. ‘Please can I...oh god slow down a little... return the favour?’

‘Sure,’ I said, trembling now, excited and afraid.

‘Let me see you,’ he said, staring deep into my eyes. 'Please.'

I looked back at him wide-eyed, nodded, and let go of him. He started stroking himself slowly as he watched me shedding my clothes. We were both naked now, facing each other. He took his other hand and trailed it from my cheek slowly down, and down, and down. I let out a little yelp when he finally had me in his hand.

‘You’re so beautiful,’ he said gently. He touched me slowly, just as I had done to him. ‘Is this good?’

I moaned and reached for him again, he was now slick and dripping.

We mirrored each other’s movements with fascination. Slowly and gently, then firmer, then faster, and faster, until…

I came first, in a furious fountain, unable to hold back, burying my head in the bed just in time not to make too much of a noise. As I lay panting his own orgasm overtook him. He was quiet, exhaling deeply, his eyes screwed shut as he shot his load over his abs.

As the room came back into view my first reaction was to get up, but Chris gently pushed me back.

‘Let me help.’ Without ceremony, he reached for his shirt and started cleaning me up.

‘Your shirt!’

‘Shhh. I want to.’ Tenderly, he wiped me down and then attended to himself. I couldn’t help but melt into his arms as he snuggled against me.

We lay there for a long time in silence, listening to our heartbeats slow down.

‘Hey,’ I said eventually as he started playing with my hair.

‘Hey you,’ he replied. ‘How are you feeling?’

‘Spaced out,’ I sighed. ‘A good spaced out. I’ve never done that. I mean, with someone else. I've... never done anything with someone else.’

‘Really?’ he said, propping himself up on one arm. ‘I should have asked.'

'It's okay, dude. I know you're a man of the world, and I'm not.’

‘Bru. That’s nothing to be ashamed about. So I’ve been with a few girls. It's... what would Seven say? It's irrelevant.'

'Maybe you're just saying that to assimilate me.'

He shook his head with a little smile. 'Trekkies. At least you didn't say "engage" just before you came.'

As I laughed I saw his gaze soften. 'Cal...'

'Ja?'

His voice was like velvet now. ‘It's a fuckin' honour to be the first person you’ve ever done anything with.’

I blushed furiously.

‘Come,’ he said, ‘let’s go take a shower.’

I think the best sleep I ever had was that night. We spent a long time under the hot jets, exploring each others bodies with a primal curiosity. After we towelled off, I saw Chris reach for a pair of clean boxers. I stopped him.

'I like feeling all of you against me,' I said, as if it were the most transgressive thing in the world. He said nothing but beamed.

I held out my hand and led him into the bed. As we lay down he yawned and moved to pressed himself against me. But I nudged him to turn around. ‘No,' I said. 'I want to be big spoon tonight.’

‘I will comply,’ he murmured, shifting, and closed his eyes, a beatific grin radiating out from his face.

His magnificent body felt strangely fragile in my arms, as if I were holding a sleeping panther that was dreaming of being a cub again.