Stronger Than Lions - 13. The Gospel According To Chris, Part 1

19 December

Dear Fuckin' Diary

I guess I better start using this laptop Mom got me. Who would think I end up writing a diary on it? Well, the therapist said it would be good for me to keep a journal, even if that was months ago.

It's now day 3 after moving to Cape Town and we're sitting in this huge house. I mean it's nice but it's not going to feel like home. Ever. I know Cape Town is where Mom grew up, but...

Maybe she’s feeling guilty about the whole divorce and moving away. She kept on saying my old laptop was looking manky. Guess she's trying to help me do the clean slate thing. Plus she must have felt threatened when Dad wanted to give me a brand new 4x4 for Christmas. I mean, WTF? I really enjoyed telling him no thanks and that Matt and Andy had given me The Thing. I couldn't wait to get into it and drive all the way down to Cape Town. Of course, he couldn't stand being rejected like that so he hasn't spoken to me since. I bet he gave it to Bradley. Or maybe Brad already had one.

Guess he loves his future stepson more than he loves me.

Part of me hasn't wanted come down. It's been easy lurking around on the farm since I got expelled from school. Was that six months ago already? Now I have to do it all again. I could fuck off and go traveling in Europe and who cares about school and a future and all that. I'm a trust fund brat and won't have to worry about money. But it would hurt Mom too much, and as much as I want to trash Dad's dream of having four perfect sons...

I don't know. I'm 18, but I'll always be a baby to everyone. No matter how big I am. Wish I could show them.

I’m fucked either way. My dad still ends up with three perfect sons and one perfect new stepson and I’m the exception who proves the rule.

This St Francis place, I'm a not too sure about. Catholic school, and a fancy one too. Hope there's not too much indoctrination. I wonder what strings Mom pulled to get me in here. We're not Catholic, so it must be the money.

I haven't been in a co-ed since primary school (which I actually liked). Guess it couldn't be any more snotty than the boys school in Durbs. I know St Francis has a good rugby team but I'm not sure if I want to play this year (assuming I even make it on a team once they find out my record). It's going to be weird being around girls - I'm scared I'm going to be like a Form 1 walking around with a hard-on the whole time. Yikes, did I actually just write that! This feels odd. I haven't puked out my thoughts like this before...

...am I turning into an emo girl? Like Laura and her diary she took everywhere? All that dark make-up and poetry about how we were going to have our souls knotted together in eternal tragedy and how she wanted to be my demon lover just was freaking batshit weird. We were 15 for fuck’s sake.

I thought I loved Katie. She just dropped me two weeks after I was expelled. Guess I was good enough to be on the First Team and a Prefect and a good shag (I think so!) but not when I'm an outcast. When I spoke to Tom on the phone last week it really stung, but what does my second oldest brother know, he has been with Jessica since he was 22. He said it was time a girl dumped me because I attract them like I'm a magnet. I heard he grumbled to Andy I'm a little man-whore. Like Andy isn't, mowing through half his law class, but somehow that’s fine because he’s just “sowing wild oats” because he wants settle down and have kids when he rakes in the big bucks.

It's an insult to oats. Oats are fucking healthy and I've been eating a bowl of oatmeal every day since I was six.

Only Matt doesn’t judge me. Never says anything, really.

Dunno if I can handle a relationship right now. I'm less than 2 years from being 20 and I wish my dick wouldn't rule me so much. Aren’t the hormones supposed to calm down after puberty? Well I haven't had my rocks off for months if my hand doesn't count. And it's going to be worse; Matt hinted that Catholic schoolgirls are wild and that being a jock just fuels it all.

I hate that word, jock. Sounds so dumb. Am I dumb?

People assume I have a lot of sex. People don’t know that while I’m constantly horny and love all the attention, sex itself is kind of a big deal for me. I don’t like the empty feeling afterwards when you realise the other person just wanted you to fill a void, quite literally.

I wonder what it would be like to have sex with someone you truly loved. Someone who wasn’t the most obvious thing in the world.

I should password protect this in case anybody finds it.

25 December / Christmas Day

Lonely Christmas. Should have looked up Vusi, he's starting at the varsity here and has moved down. But I just feel like staying in bed now. Even though it's so hot. It's a beautiful day outside.

We forgot to put up a Christmas tree. Now it's afternoon and Mom's had too much wine again. We had Thai take-out for Christmas lunch. Matt's probably gutted we're not on the farm at least, but I can't go there now. Thinking of KZN hurts too much. Maybe the distance will be good.

Guess there won't be any big family meals any time soon.

2 January

Can't believe I'm sitting here typing again.

What a weird New Year. Vusi got hold of me, we went to his pad in Observatory and then we ended up in Camps Bay and met these two Dutch girls. Hot. Weird. The one wanted to dare me and Vusi to kiss cause she thought the idea of two guys kissing was such a turn-on. Ew. I mean, I'm not against people being gay, it's just Vusi, it'd be like kissing my brother. And God knows I hated seeing the bullying that went on in Durban if any guy was remotely sensitive or not a sports crazy he-man.

Shit I feel guilty, that time in Form 2 the whole class turned on little Martin Smit and called him a fag because of his little briefcase and Archie comics. 😕

And I was part of it, part of the crowd, I didn’t do anything. We made him cry. Then I promised myself I'd never do something like that again.

I heard Martin got a clean sweep of A’s in the Matric exams and won a scholarship to Oxford. Good for him.

Or maybe I’m feeling guilty because when I really, really, think about it, there was fuck all evidence whatsoever to decide what gets Martin’s rocks off, but, even back then I may or may not have gotten my rocks off to thoughts of guys more than once. And maybe once I even…

…I can’t write this…

But yeah how weird was yesterday?. Last thing I remember about New Year's Eve was knocking back tequilas with the Dutch girls - Vusi had disappeared with some other chick earlier - and then I woke up next to the one in their hotel room in Fresnaye! I've never blacked out like that and shit I was scared, but she rolled over and giggled and said all was ok she made sure we used a condom and why are South African boys so shy.

I've never felt so empty in my life?!?!?!

I am never, ever, having sex again unless I am at the very least head over fucking heels in love AND pretty sure I could haver a random conversation about something completely mundane with them right after.

Yeah, I know I'm not bad looking ha ha ha. Katie used to call me her Abercrombie Hottie. So yeah I can get a girl and charm her into bed I can't help thinking it would be better if I were just an ordinary guy and had a girl without pretensions (pretentions? This diary thing doesn't do spellcheck but the fonts are cool) and we could love each other without it all being about how one looks. Am I just a set of muscles with a big dick and nice hair? (I'm SOOOO modest.)

If I could be in a fairy tale I honestly wouldn't mind being the Beast, because then Belle would have to love me for who I am inside, and when I turned back into a prince it wouldn't matter if I grew old and crusty. She would too. I wouldn't want to keep her prisoner though, I'd kinda hope she'd just want to stay because she found the decor of the castle a nice change from her provincial routine.

Eish, bru. That kissing thing... just goes to show how openminded people from Europe are. Can't help thinking now about kissing a guy - I mean, just academic interest? There was that time Pete and I… oh god I am going to write it… had a wank or two together when we were 12 but I've read enough to calm down and know that stuff like that doesn't mean anything.

What would it be like, being in a relationship with a guy? I can understand how dudes can find each other hot (we do look at each other in the gym though I'll never admit it) but like being in love?

What if that happened to me?

Guess you're wired like that from birth and you know immediately... right?

Why am I writing this anyway? Am I pissed off with girls? Shit, if any of my mates found out I've even thought about this would they be freaked out????

I don't know, but if I fell in love with a guy... he'd have to be one in a million.

Then again, have I ever really been in love? If you're in love then the configuration of the person by default doesn't matter, does it?

14 January

So school starts tomorrow. I better shave, Mom's been hounding me. And I better try on the school uniform. Very formal.

So here are my subjects

English

Afrikaans

Maths

French

Xhosa (beginner’s, it’s compulsory)

General Science (Physics and Chemistry)

History

Biology

Maybe it's just as well I know no-one. More time to keep my head down and just get through the year and get school done with

I thought of dropping French cause I only need six subjects but Mom said I should at least do one or two subjects not related to my career path. What's left of it, anyway. I know she knows I chose a serious natural science field of subjects because Dad wanted me to get into med school. Pisses me off, because I want to get into medicine myself, except now it will always look like it's his idea. And I only have one more chance left.

I hope we do some more Verlaine. I love that poem we did last year, Clair de Lune:

"Votre âme est une paysage choisi"

... your soul is a chosen landscape... mmmm, to be so in love with someone. Do people really feel like that? Or do all the poets lie, making up things they could never really feel in real life?

15 January

Ok this has been one strange day.

So school started and that would be enough to write a diary entry about being the new guy and trying to blend in but things got hectic.

So just after break I go to my History class - got lost twice, the ancient school buildings are a maze - and I see this guy has dropped his books and I give it to him. He looked so scared, like I was going to deck him or something. I got this weird feeling when I looked him in the eyes - shit, they're like this freaky shade of ice blue, like he's a polar bear or something (turns out polar bears don't have blue eyes) and now I've never thought about a guy's eye colour before. People always go on about how green my eyes are, but I never really thought much about stuff like that.

His name's Caleb. Maybe it’s because he looked like a lost puppy and something inside me just wanted to like put my arm around him and hug him like he was my little brother or something? And I just started talking crap. He had this music book with Bach pieces and I yakked that I knew Bach had 20 children or so. I think he thought I was making fun of him, and then I saw he had some cool graphic novels in his bag too (like Watchmen!) which just made me think of Martin again. Except this guy isn't tiny like Martin, though he probably thinks he is...

...so this is the thing, I kept thinking of how - - vulnerable he looked and why it affected me so much... I certainly did feel he's like the first "genuine" person I'd met at school all day... I know how it is when someone new arrives, people are territorial and suspicious.

So I was hoping to speak to Caleb again at the end of the lesson but he ran out as the bell rang. I found the lunch hall later. I could have gone home but I wanted to check things out. I thought I saw Caleb in the far side of the hall but hen these girls descended on me, the cheerleading team for the St Francis Wolves. Tricia seems to be in charge and they all wanted to know who I was and where I was from. I liked the attention at first but then felt weird. So I made up some story I had to be somewhere and found the library and tried to get my books in order.

Like two hours passed and I wasn’t accomplishing much so I decided to go home. I was about to get to the car and I couldn’t believe it, I saw these guys ganging up on Caleb at bike shed. I just saw red and next thing I was staring down this thug who seemed to know who I was, but he backed down and he left with the rest of his goons. I’m glad they’d left when I saw what they’d done to Cal’s bike - totally fucked it up and scratched “FAGGOT” on the metal - because I wanted to punch their lights out and wouldn’t care if it got me expelled on the first day.

How come people are so fucking mean sometimes?! Is it really necessary?

I didn’t want to come on too strong (strong about what?!) but I ended up giving Caleb a lift home, and next thing I’m calling him Cal and chatting to him like we’ve been friends for years. He couldn’t believe I was being so nice to him - jeez, he must really be a bullying magnet - does he think I’m another mean jock? - and then to find out that his mom died recently. Of cancer.

Fuck, how is one supposed to handle that?

He seems to think he’s a helpless geek. What have those fuckers done to him? He’s on the swim team and I bet he’s one of the top students in his class; I saw he had this academic award scroll on his blazer. He’s good looking too.

Good looking?!

I just wrote “good looking”?!?!

I mean, if I think of the guys on my old team, I know we all check each other out in the showers, and we envy the other guy’s six pack or guns but now I’m thinking of Cal’s eyes again and hell he’s got this dark-brown messed-up hair that just makes you think, aaawww, cute.

CUTE.

Oh fuck.