The Others - 24. Chapter 24: Reality is like a sponge

Ten minutes later my telephone's ringing. It shows Codey's number again. Right, that’ll be dad asking where he has to bring the beer to, I think as I pick up. But, it isn’t.

“Hey… Matt,” It's Codey’s voice.

“Oh, Codey!” I reply, trying to hide my surprise.

“Dad borrowed my phone today… I saw he called you.”

“Yeah he did.”

I hear him weighing his next words. “Did he… you know… ask about you going into his study?”

“Yeah, he asked.” Another important rule when keeping up a lie, always let someone else do the talking. Never start giving stuff out yourself, because you have to know what they know first.

“I didn’t snitch on you, I promise.”

“You mean you knew I was in there?” I just broke the rule I mentioned before. If he didn’t already know I was in there, he surely knows now.

“I heard you walking around upstairs when I was making something to eat.”

I glanced at the clock on the wall, 6 PM, my mother could return home any moment.

“Then why didn’t you ask me what I was doing there.”

“I… I don’t know. I thought… I… uhh,” he stumbles. “You must have some reason to go there, right?”

I nod, even though he can’t see that.

“Yes.”

“Then it probably has something to do with you wanting to help me, right?”

You see? When you don’t give much away, the enemy thinks up a good excuse for you.

“That's right,” I agree.

“I think that’s really… uhmm… sweet,” he giggles.

If lying can make someone as happy as I just made Codey, how can that be wrong?

“Do you maybe want to come over tonight or tomorrow?” he asks.

Do I want to see Codey once more before I leave everything behind? I don’t know. I feel like chatting with Seth again.

“I can’t. At least not today, I don’t have any free time. I could maybe come tomorrow, but I’m not sure.”

“Okay,” he says. "Let me know if you can. I kinda like… you know… spending time with you.”

“Sure Codey. Talk to you later man,” I reply, not certain what else to say.

“See you.”

“Bye.”

I switch off the phone. I don’t want him calling tonight. I nip upstairs and turn my computer on. As I hoped Seth was online. He sends me a message straightaway.

“Hey AB!”

“Hey Seth. How are you?”

“I’m fine. I just had my last day of school. Summer vacation officially started.”

“Mine did too!”

He doesn’t respond to that instantly, automatically I start thinking about something to ask him. Is it weird to want to keep the conversation going on?

“So what are you going to do during the vacation?”

“I’m not sure yet. I plan on drawing a lot.”

“Ah, you like drawing?”

“Yeah, I’ve been doing that since I was very young.”

“Can I see something you made?”

“Not really. I never show my paintings to anyone. It’s kinda personal, you know?”

“So you don’t even show them to your parents?”

“Nah.”

“And you said you shared everything, haha. Maybe your drawings are like my thoughts, we both think they are too personal to tell anyone about.”

“Maybe…”

For a few seconds neither of us says anything.

“AB, I was wondering something after our last conversation.”

“Go on, tell me about it?”

“You said your parents don’t know about you being the owner of a popular blog?”

“Yep.”

“Do they read it?”

Woah, I never really thought about that.

“To be honest, I don’t know. My mom is pretty busy, she works a lot. I don’t think she’s heard of the blog.”

“Everyone's heard of your blog, hehe.”

“Wait, your mom? What about your dad?”

“My dad left us when I was like 6 years old.”

“Oh, I didn’t know. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be.”

“May I ask why he left?”

“I don’t know.”

I do know, right? So why am I lying? It feels bad to lie to Seth. I should be able to be completely honest on the internet, right? He doesn’t even know who I am.

“Did you ever try to find out about him? I mean, if my dad would’ve left me when I was young, I think I would wonder why.”

“Actually, I recently started looking for him.”

“Ah, you did? And, did you find him?”

“I did.”

Why does it feel good to be talking about this?

“I found him, he actually is the stepdad of someone I know.”

“Woah. He is a stepdad? Of a friend of yours or just someone you vaguely know?”

“I didn’t know this guy in the beginning, saw him a few times at my school, that’s all. But I got to know him during the last few weeks.”

“You got to know him to get closer to your dad?”

“Is that a bad thing?”

Please don’t hate me now, Seth.

“I’m not sure. It doesn’t seem quite right, does it?”

“That guy likes my company, so how could it be a bad thing?”

“I guess it has something to do with your intention. If I met someone who made me feel good but he was actually doing something that would make me sad or something, I think I wouldn't be very happy.”

“It’s complicated.”

“It is.”

“Did you tell him about your dad?”

“Nope.”

“And your father knows you are his son?”

“I was afraid he would recognise me, so I decided to avoid him.”

“But why don’t you just go and tell him you want to talk to him?”

That’s a good question. Why don’t I?

“I think I’m afraid to face him.”

“Yeah, I can imagine.”

“But is lying to him a solution?”

“It feels like the best thing to do.”

“Or the easiest thing to do?”

There is a silence once again, but this time I like it. I need to think about this. Not about my dad or why I won’t face him, no, I need to think about the fact that I like this. I like chatting with Seth. I like talking about me. Sometimes it feels like everyday I learn more about myself, I thought growing up was a pretty passive thing, but it’s almost like I just got a textbook in front of me. In the textbook are different chapters and I’m not allowed to read ahead; one chapter a year. It’s harder to understand myself than to understand others.

Or does it only feel that way? Maybe understanding others seems to be easy because I only see what they want me to see? Is everyone going through the same personal development that I am?

Why, why oh why, is life so complicated?

“But you do want to find out the truth?”

“Yes, I do.”

“At least…”

“I think I do? I’m not sure. If the truth is something I don’t want to know, I don’t want to find out about it.”

“What have you found out so far?”

“I sneaked into my dad's study. I found a letter he wrote to the mother of this guy, let’s call him C.”

“Yes, that’s better.”

“So, this letter to C’s mother said something about being sorry about the accident. I found out C’s dad died in a car accident.”

“You think your dad was involved in the accident?”

“I guess so. I think maybe my dad felt sorry for her and her son so he tried to do something good for them?”

“By leaving you and your family? I can’t imagine someone doing that?”

“I’m not sure. But I need to find out.”

“Don’t you think you should stop lying to them if you want find out the truth?”

“I’m not sure, should I?”

“The truth is but a projection of many lies on reality.”

“Haha, you should not quote me like that.”

He is able to quote something I wrote over a year ago? Does he read my blog posts that well?

“Said reality is like a sponge, it already holds every possible truth and is able to absorb all the lies.”

I don’t think I’m able to quote myself like that… I’m not sure what I said after this, I have an idea, but I won’t be able to quote it exactly.

“Every lie told will make the sponge heavier. It’ll make the truth more complex and the reality heavier to bear.”

“You wrote it yourself. You can’t disagree with yourself.”

“I’m amazed you are able to rephrase that so accurately?”

“Well, I really like it.”

“Just as I like talking to you.”

Why would I say that? What could possibly be the purpose of that sentence?

“I like talking to you too.”

Okay, that was the purpose of the sentence. Ah, I should stop this. It reminds me of Yuri. I liked chatting with Yuri too. And that was all fake. Maybe I’m just cursed to always like it when I’m online chatting with someone? When it feels like I can really talk about myself, when I feel like I can be completely honest. I fell in love with Yuri, but he broke my heart. I can’t do the same thing with Seth.

Wait? Am I thinking about falling in love with him? How can a brain be able to make such weird logically steps, right? I went from liking to chat with someone to loving him. As if that could possibly happen that fast?

“So, what are you thinking about?”

“Haha, nothing you want to know.”

I add a winky smiley to that. I wonder why we don’t use the emoji’s that often. Normally I spam them, but now I don’t really feel like I need them. It feels like Seth is able to understand me without the need to have a small yellow face express my emotion.

“Now it’s your turn.”

“My turn to do what?”

“To ask a question. I asked you about your dad, now you can ask me something.”

“Can I ask you to show me a drawing?”

“Haha, not yet! Maybe when I really trust you.”

“Wait, you don’t trust me?”

“I’ve only known you for a few days.”

“...”

“You know, sometimes I totally forget you are the anonymous blogger.”

“Why’s that?”

“I’m not sure. I guess talking to you feels familiar. So trustworthy.”

“And there you were only a minute ago stating you don’t trust me yet.”

“Hah, I guess I’m just a little confused.”

“Why would you be confused?”

“AB, can I ask you something else?”

“Of course!”

It’s weird you can feel the tension even when you can’t see each other. When Seth asked me if he could ask something else, I immediately felt it. There is a tension and I’m not sure whether I like that.

“I met a girl online and I kinda felt like… I’m not sure… like I fell in love with her?”

“At least, I started to like her a lot.”

“Do you think that’s possible? Or do you need to see each other in order to know if you like someone?”

Is this hurt? Does this take away my hope that maybe Seth is gay? Of course that’s a weird thing, I only liked talking to him, nothing more. Then why would it matter if he likes boys or girls?

“I once fell in love with someone on the internet. But this person lied to me and wasn’t the person they claimed to be.”

“Didn’t see that coming…”

“But you think it isn’t weird to like someone when you don’t know what they look like?”

“No, not at all. It’s personality that matters, right? Of course the outside is important as well, but not always.”

“I mean… It’s different than meeting someone in real, I guess. And it depends on how you meet someone, because if you met them when you both were looking to meet someone.”

“You know, like on a dating site.”

“Then I think it’s a little forced.”

“Ah, okay. I understand.”

“Adam! I’m home. I’m sorry I’m late, but I'll start making dinner right away. Do you want to join me?”

I leave the computer and walk over to the stairs.

“Hey mom,” I shout. “Of course I want to help. I'll be down in a few minutes, okay?”

“Fine, great.” She turns her attention to my brother’s room. “Tyde! Are you home?”

No response.

I shrug. “I’m not sure where he is. I’m sorry.”

“No problem. We’ll just eat together.” She smiles.

“I'll be right back, mom!” I run back to the computer.

“So what should we talk about?” Seth apparently asked while I was away.

“Sorry, but I have to go now. I enjoyed talking to you. Will you be online tonight?”

“Yes, I'll wait for you. Right here, hehe. Bon appetit, AB.”

“TTYL.”