The Others - 18. Chapter 18: Why does it hurt?

There is an awkward silence. Codey is too scared to even look at me and I… I don’t know what to say. I’m not used to being speechless. For some reason I’m happy. Codey is gay! He likes men! At least, he probably does. I can’t think of another reason for him to watch gay porn. Hell, even I don’t watch it, I don’t like it at all, but I do like men. So if he watches it, it can’t mean anything else. Right?

The idea I dismissed not long ago comes back. Can this mean I could start to like Codey?

My stepbrother! Jesus, what am I thinking. Focus, for fuck sakes, focus Adam… no, Matt, I’m Matt! My name is Matt and the only reason I’m here is to find out about my dad.

That’s the moment Codey chooses to storm out of his room. I see him running towards the stairs, he looks down, makes up his mind, looks back to me and then runs towards the bathroom. When he looked back at me I saw tears streaming down his face and my heart immediately broke. I forgot about all my intentions, my only goal right now is to comfort Codey. I don’t want him to cry… ever!

I quickly get off the bed and walk to the bathroom. I knock. “Codey?” I ask.

“Leave me alone,” I hear him sobbing.

“Codey, can you please come out. I can act as if I didn’t see it, okay? Come on, let’s watch the movie.”

“You… you saw it. You’ll hate me! Please leave, okay?”

I sigh. “Codey, I really don’t mind. We can talk about it?” Oh god, what do I have to do? No one ever taught me the social tricks for dealing with a situation like this.

Wait a second. I’m like him, right? What would I want to hear if this happened to me? No, I can’t do that, I can’t tell him about me. I promised to never tell anyone about it and I already broke that promise when I told Sam. I can’t do the same…

Codey is crying. My Codey is crying. When did I start caring about my stepbrother. This isn’t going as planned.

“I’m not gonna leave you behind like this. You’re my friend,” I say and I’m surprised it doesn’t hurt to say that out loud.

“Just go,” Codey sobs. He keeps quiet to hear if I’m still at the door. I don’t say anything. “Go, Matt. GOOO!!” I never heard him screaming like this and I hope that’ll never happen again. I hear Sandra running up the stairs. She notices me standing next to the bathroom door, looking desperate.

“What happened?” she asks, out of breath from running upstairs.

“I… Codey… Uhhh.”

“Matt, please go,” Codey cries.

“Codey, what’s going on?” Sandra asks.

“Please let Matt out, okay?”

Sandra looks at me once again. I feel like she is about to ask me another time what happened, but then Codey adds: “Matt tried to touch me, mom, please make him leave!”

Woah… What? Wait… Is he really doing this. I’m trying to help here, seriously. Why do I even care. I immediately turn around and walk to the stairs. Halfway down I call out to my stepbrother: “Oh fuck you, Codey. I’m trying to help you!” With that I run outside. I feel tears running down my cheeks. I can understand that he is upset, I would be too, but seriously, he didn’t have to act that way, right? It was unfair to lie to his mom about me. Now Sandra thinks the worst about me. Only now it hits me, if Codey isn’t going to talk to me anymore, then how will I find out about dad?

I ride home, but before I even get close I decide to go to Sam's instead. I need her right now, I need the warmth of her body, the love I still feel radiating from her heart. More than once I wondered if maybe I like being close with Sam because I know she likes me. Maybe it's only a boost for my ego?

I leave my bike in front of her house and knock on the door. Sam’s mom seems surprised when she sees me, even more surprised when she notices I've been crying. “Adam, come in!”

Without saying anything to her I walk upstairs and open Sam’s door.

I didn’t expect Seth to be here. I feel immediately embarrassed by my teary eyes. I can live with Sam knowing me better than the others do, but I don’t want Seth to know me.

He said I meant a lot to him, at least, the anonymous blogger does. So he accepts that part of me.

“Adam? What are you doing here?” Sam asks.

“I… Uhh… I dunno. I guess I missed you.”

“You only left a few hours ago?”

How embarrassing to be here, after I just cried, while Seth looks at me. “What happened?” he asks.

“Nothing, really.” Oh no, I really need physical contact right now. I need an arm around me, a hug, something. But I can’t get Sam to be close with me, not with Seth here. I know he likes her and I can’t force him to be reminded of that.

“Sit down,” Sam says. As always she’s sitting in her chair while Seth is on her bed. I silently move to where she pointed, next to Seth. “And now tell me what happened?” she says.

“I can’t talk about it. Someone hurt me. Not physical though.”

“Your family?” Seth asks.

How much had Sam told him? Why would she even talk to him about me? “No,” I reply.

“You gotta tell us something if you want us to help,” Sam says.

I stay silent, trying to figure out what I wanted to do here. What did I want to achieve by coming here, other than a few minutes of kissing? “I just need to take my mind off things.”

“We can do that,” Seth says immediately. “Let’s watch a movie!”

Sam smiles and my only wish is that it wont be any porn. Enough drama for one day. Sam starts her computer and searches through her folders to find a movie to watch. She clicks a few times and then sits next to Seth. The bed is big enough for us three, but Sam sits down so close to Seth that she actually pushes him a bit into me. I feel bad about that, because Sam knows he likes her and still she decides to sit so close to him, almost like letting him know what he’s missing out.

The film is filled with unrealistic action, but it makes us laugh and I forget feeling hurt. I never thought someone would be able to get to me like this, but I guess that’s the downside about caring for someone. “Are you feeling better now?” Seth asks.

“Way better,” I respond with a smile. Halfway into the film, I begin feeling tired. I need to lay my head on something, but there is nothing around, only Seth’s shoulder. Without thinking twice I rest my head on his shoulder, without getting any objection from Seth. I guess he doesn’t mind what happens around him as long as he’s close with Sam. Not that long ago I thought the same, being close with Sam sure is comforting.

I don’t even experience the end of the movie, I’m already fast asleep. It’s late when I wake up, immediately noticing Sam is gone. Seth, however, is still in the same position, his shoulder as my pillow. “Where is Sam,” I ask in a sleepy voice.

“She's making dinner with her mom. She asked me to help her, but I didn’t want to wake you,” Seth smiles.

“You stayed here, without anything to do, just to let me sleep?” I laugh but only to discover he meant it. Stupid him, never do something for me because I won’t ever return the favour.

“Would you have said what happened if it was only Sam and not both of us who were here?” Seth asks suddenly.

“Why would you think that?” I ask.

He shrugs. “No reason. You were upset and came here, so I thought it was her you wanted to see, I know you feel something special for her, so I guessed you needed her and not me.”

I decide not to respond to that, not because I want to ignore him, but simply because I don’t know what to say. That makes it the second time today I didn’t know what to say. I start to think it’s my fault and not that of others. Right then Sam calls out: “Dinner is ready, guys!”

At the same time Seth and I get off the bed and walk downstairs. We don’t say a word. That’s normal for me, I don’t talk a lot with him. That’s something I regret sometimes, not talking to Seth. He seems like a nice guy to get to know better, he sure is pretty cute. Wow, I never talk that way about people around me. Stop it!

The dinner is wonderful. Sam and her mom made a quiche with chicken, cherries, curry and ginger. A weird combination at first, but after a few bites you’re totally used to it and can never have enough. It’s been a long time since I ate this much, the food was that good. After dinner I get out of the house as soon as possible. I say goodbye to Sam and Seth, the two people who are getting pretty close to being real friends. I’m so happy summer break will be here soon, then I can finally get away on my bike, say goodbye to those to-become friends and maybe never come back. I like the feeling of having the possibility of going away, I know myself well enough to know I won’t run away from home, but you know, having the possibility to go is good enough. That is whenever something is getting confusing or hard to deal with, I can tell myself that if it really gets too hard to handle, I’ll just go. Goodbye everyone, Adam – aka Matt – is gone for good!

I walk home, open the door. I go straight to my room, start my computer and begin to write. It’s been a while since I uploaded a post and even though my life is becoming a real mess, I’ll never abandon my writer's life. That’s the life I like best and if I ever have to make a choice between the two, I won’t have to think long before abandoning everything and everyone I know. Sometimes I wonder, maybe I’m just unable to really bind with someone. I always keep telling myself that I don’t want friends, but can’t that be solely a way to ignore the fact that I’m mentally too broken to make friends? It’s not like people don’t like me – is that selfish saying that? – but more like I don’t have the energy to keep friends. It’s exhausting, being with other people. My mind doesn’t get the rest it needs to process my daily thoughts and challenges.

Okay, let’s write.

“Today I’m going to write about what I call the scale of a choice. It’s connected to something I wrote about earlier, namely the idea that every person is selfish. This post is going to be very philosophical and has almost nothing to do with everyday situations. In some way it has, but please promise to only read this if you’re open to it.

I think everything we – humans – do, is selfish. We work like binary computers, we get an impulse from our surroundings and simply choose between 0 and 1, between yes and no. When you’re walking on the street and there is a traffic light, a red traffic light, you make a quick decision whether or not to continue walking. You do the same if it’s green.

What the outcome of the decision is, is dependent of your scale. You consider the advantages and disadvantages of continuing to walk. When it’s red, you think about the disadvantage of getting a ticket if a cop sees you and the advantage of being faster. Dependent on the situation and your personality you choose one of those two options. You also choose whether to look around to see if there is a cop nearby. Again, advantage: you can make the decision to walk through the red light easier, but the disadvantage is the fact it’ll cost time and energy to look around.

Every person has his own scale and everyone has different weights to different situations and outcomes. That’s what we call personality. Your personality is made by choices you made earlier. That’s what we call learning. As a child, you have a scale and you are about to make a choice whether to steal a cookie or not. The advantage is to have a cookie, you already know they taste good so you know that advantage. The disadvantage however, you never tried to steal before so you don’t know there could be a disadvantage. The choice is easy. But, if you get caught and get punished, the next time the disadvantage will weigh more. It’s up to you, to your personality to give that weight, maybe the advantage is still better than the disadvantage. Plus, there is only a chance to get this disadvantage, you won’t be caught every time. If you decide to steal another cookie and you do not get caught, the weight of having a chance of getting caught will naturally go down.

Maybe you agree with me, maybe you don’t. I didn’t write this to get people to follow me and my thoughts about people, no I wrote this to get to the following conclusion. If this is true, that would mean there is nothing called freedom of choice. Whatever you do is dependent on your surroundings and your personality (which is already determined by your surroundings). Your surroundings are the people around you, but even they don’t have this freedom.

I believe there is no such thing as free will.”

I post it and go to bed. I try not to think about Codey, but I can’t help it. I don’t even know why I keep thinking about it. What does it matter? Of course, this situation kind of takes away many possibilities for finding out about my dad, but still, I can find a way. Do I really mind losing Codey as a friend, even though I only befriended him to use him? Why am I this complicated, I wish I was normal, just as others are. Just as the others.