The Others - 19. Chapter 19: I made my decision

I really don’t know what to do, how to act when I see Codey again. To be honest, I never thought about him as someone who watches porn, but I guess all guys do, right? I always thought of him as a decent boy, a boy who prioritizes his feelings and his impulses. But I was wrong. The problem is, next week school is over. If I don’t speak to Codey for two months we’ll never get the same bond we had ‘til yesterday. This really is the worst timing for me to find out he watches gay porn. But… it’s reassuring as well. It makes me smile when I think about the fact that Codey is gay. At least, that’s what I expect him to be. You can’t blame me for that, right? It’s not like straight guys watch gay porn all the time.

So for now, let’s keep it on: Codey is gay!

I glance at the clock, 9 AM. I had to be in school 20 minutes ago, but I have one subject I have to think about before I can roll into the community again and act as if I’m as normal as the people around me.

Why should I care if Codey is gay? Of course, it’s only human to fear the loss of a friend, even if it’s a friend to be, but for some reason I get uncontrollably happy with the thought of him being gay.

Never mind, I can roll into the community again. I know why I like him being gay. It’s because of my dad. Secretly I always thought he maybe left us because he sensed I was gay. But if he’s able to sense such things, he would’ve done the same thing with Codey. So that couldn’t have been the reason he left.

Then again, the real question is: why did he leave?

I get out of bed and go downstairs. No one is home, so I quickly make some breakfast and head off to school.

Please tell me I won’t see Codey. I need time to think of a way to get him to talk to me again. Wait a second… why do I have to come up with a way? It was him who lied about me to his mom, so he has to apologize. Although he is a broken boy, in some way. He lost so much, I don’t want him to feel like he lost a friend again. Being gay isn’t a problem for me, I need to tell him. I can’t tell him about me, because you know… Matt isn’t Adam. That makes sense, right?

Pfff, there once was a time when I was able to understand myself a little bit, but lately it doesn’t work like that anymore. I feel confused – disturbed. This is exactly what I feared, a year ago I was this ghost. I went to school (sometimes) and made sure I passed all my exams, but at home I made sure I was in my room. There I would write, non-stop. No one knew about me, my “outside life” was only there to hide the real me. It all changed that day when Mr. Hampleton decided to rant about my blog. It all changed when Seth asked for my help.

I always knew I had to avoid getting friends. They bring disaster. If I continue to get involved with the real world, then I’m sure my bike journey will be my goodbye. I don’t want that. I need to eliminate the thought of running away. I’ve been running away all my life, no, I’m going to stay. I’m going to face my problems. I – Adam Rills – am going to become human!

I open the school doors and enter the building. Looking around, I see that fortunately Codey isn’t there. I go to my classes. Everything goes well until the break comes around. I walk to the cafeteria. Everyone is there; Seth, Luca, Brian, Neil, Robin, Sam, Marc and Britt. Oh, and Todd of course. The others, I think with a smirk. “Hey!” Marc greets me.

“Look who decided to show up,” Todd says.

I notice a free chair next to Seth and sit down. “What were you guys talking about?”

Marc sighs. “For some reason we’re talking about the anonymous blogger again. Why didn’t you guys tell me we had homework? Then I could’ve joined the discussion.” Another sigh.

“Neil is to blame,” Robin says. “He started on about it.”

“And for some reason suddenly Britt, Seth and Sam read the blog as well. So the four of them have been talking about it for over two classes,” Brian adds.

Unwillingly I laugh at the remark. Knowing they are talking about me even when Brian, the alpha male of the others, doesn’t want them to, is a bigger compliment than the fact Neil and Britt decided to read my blog. Though that’s nice to hear as well, don’t get me wrong. I almost get rewarded for going to school now, please don’t tell me my scale will weigh towards going to school from now on. Then I’m really like a normal person. “You guys all had class together?”

“I wish it was like that, then you could just shut your ears. No, they were talking on the Whatsapp group,” he replies.

“Stop complaining already,” Sam giggles. “Adam reads the blog as well, right?”

Ah, of course. I forgot to turn on my phone once again. “Sometimes,” I shrug.

“Yesterday he posted about, how did you call it, Britt?” Seth asks.

“The meaning of life.”

“Yes, he wrote about the meaning of life. He said we have no free will, that all choices we make we actually make because our environment taught us it’s the best choice.”

Woah, I got to admit, I never thought the others were able to talk about these things. I kinda thought I was the only one of my age to think about things like the meaning of life. It isn’t cool to talk about deep things, right? “That sounds heavy.”

“It does. I read the comments, many people are upset,” Sam says. “It’s just his opinion, but I mostly agree with him. For some reason…” She pauses. “For some reason it kinda feels like he is right about this again. You know… his logic is…”

“Logical,” Neil finishes her sentence.

That I like the most. Neil almost never talks and apparently he reads the blog. Seth never talks as well, but that’s different. Seth’s silence has always intrigued me, as if he tries to hide himself as well, as if many thoughts wander through his mind but never leave it. Maybe a little bit like me. Neil on the other hand, I always thought he was quiet because he was too dumb to say anything. Or maybe he knew he wasn’t interesting enough to talk to. I was wrong though, because everyone who reads my blog is automatically a nice person. That’s selfish, I know, but who cares. Everyone likes it when someone likes his work, his art. My blog is my art, so why can’t I be proud of it?

Plus, mankind is developed based on selfishness, so why can’t I participate? If I want to become normal, I need to act normal. “Does it really matter?” I say. It earns me the confused look of the whole group, even those who didn’t want to talk about it and purposely talked about other things while my followers tried to summarize my own post. If only they knew my role in all this, I think they would laugh. Or they would be angry for not telling them.

Wait… I never really thought about that. What if at a certain moment people find out about my blog? Will they blame me for not telling them?

“Does what matter?” Todd asks. I don’t have to look at him to know he looks annoyed. He doesn’t like it when I get all the attention.

“Whether you believe the anonymous blogger or not, does it change your life? Does it change the way you feel about it? It’s just a theory, the absence of free will. I think I agree with the blogger, I thought about it a lot, but does it makes me less me if the choices I make are only the result of how I react to my surroundings?” I look around. Todd’s expression didn’t change, he's still annoyed. Sam looks confused, Luca looks just a little sad or something. In Seth I see something I can’t really place, is it admiration or something else? The others all look interested in what I have to say next. “In some way it even makes things easier. When someone else does something you don’t agree with, or something that hurts you, you can always imagine the scale. You can ask yourself what reason made the person choose the thing he chose. You know, you can try to make the other side of the scale weigh more. It helps in understanding them.”

“Ah, I can feel my heart melting as you speak,” Todd says. “Please continue.”

Did I already say I hate that guy?

“You said you hadn’t read the post yet?” Sam asks.

I look confused. I expected them to ask me why I thought that way, I expected them to disagree, but for some reason I see the same expression on their faces (except Todd’s of course) as I saw on Seth’s. “No, not yet. I will read it though.” I like talking about my topics. I normally never do it, I always try to disengage myself from my blog, but maybe I like talking about it even more than writing it.

“Still, the blogger is telling us the exact opposite to what the bible says,” Brian mumbles.

Okay, maybe sometimes I forget my school is actually a Catholic school. But seriously, how many students in this school really believe in god? I’m not sure, but I bet it’s not too many. Of course I could be wrong, the others always seem to amaze me as far as their personal lives go. For me, am I going to this school because it’s the closest? Or because it’s the best one in the neighbourhood? To be honest, I don’t really know why I’m attending a Catholic school. It’s not like my family believes in god.

I notice the others are looking at me. Apparently they expect me to say something else. I don’t want that, so I excuse myself to go to the toilet. Right when I’m making the movement to get up off my chair I notice Codey walking to the toilet. God… Are you kidding me? I don’t want this now. I look around. No way back, I can’t magically be released from the feeling of having to pee. I stand up and walk back. It feels like a stone is pressing on my stomach.

I needed time to think about what to say. I can’t handle things without planning. This won’t work. I walk to the door of the toilets. It feels like my so-called friends are still watching me. I know they are not, but that doesn’t take away the tension I feel. When I open the door my eyes immediately connect with those of my step brother. “Hi,” I stumble.

“Hey.”

If I was alone in this room, I’m sure I would start crying right now. “How are you?”

“Look, Matt, I…”

“Don’t say anything, please,” I interrupt. “I want to talk to you.”

I think Codey wants to start crying as well. At that moment I don’t want anything more than to let him cry on my shoulder. I feel his pain, even though I never got outed. No one knows about me, but that’s probably not for the same reason as it is for Codey. I don’t want to be outed because it doesn’t matter who I am. Even if I told others about my sexuality, what would it matter? It’s not like they’d suddenly know the real me. That won’t ever happen, especially for as long as I don’t even know the real me myself.

I can tell you that much, I once saw a glimpse of the real me and I don’t want to see me again.

Codey’s reason is something else. I don’t know yet, maybe he isn’t sure about it yet? He’s got a supporting family, so why won’t he just tell them? Or do they already know? What would my father think of him? Of me?

“I can’t do this,” he quickly says and tries to run past me, but I grab his shirt. He immediately turns to me, with a scared expression on his face.

“Codey, please.”

“Let me go!” He pulls himself out of my grip.

“Listen to me, before you leave, please. I’ve got something to tell you, to admit to you. If you want to solve this, then go to the mall after school. I’ll be waiting for you.”

His tears are already rolling over his face. “Codey, really. I don’t mind. I’m confused, that’s all.”

“Aren’t you angry?”

“Angry for what?”

He swallows. “For lying about you… touching me?”

“Oh that, no. I’m never angry, I don’t really know how to be angry.”

He smiles. “That’s a good thing, right?” he asks.

I wipe away some of the tears on his face. “It is. Will I see you at the mall?”

“I think so…” He walks away.

I take a pee and return to my friends. What the hell am I doing? What will I tell the boy to get him back?

….

Oh no. What do I have to do. Codey could be here at any moment. I need to make him believe I don’t mind. I need to make sure nothing is awkward between us. I really need to get back into his house, I need to talk to Sandra. I don’t want to hurt the boy though, he seems so fragile. He’s been through so much.

If I hurt him, it’s my dad’s fault. Right?

Why the… Why am I doing this? I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to have him sitting next to me and I definitely don’t want to tell him about me. I can’t open myself up, it’ll kill me. But… I need to do this. Argh…

I grip my hands tightly together, fingers interposed, knuckles turning white. I feel anxious and impotent, I don't think I'm a real human being. So I won't be! Finding out about my dad is my mission. That’s what I’m going to do!

I’m going to be the gay Matt. That way I can get even closer to Codey. It’s inhuman to do this, but when you’re not human, you are allowed to be inhuman, right? It feels like I’m betraying myself. I don’t want to show myself to others, but in order to get what I want, I need to tell Codey the truth. Or, at least a part of the truth.

It won’t be easy, but I need to be strong.

Shit, what am I doing? I’m not inhuman, stop talking like that! I want to get Codey back, it isn’t about my dad. Right? Is it weird to not even know your own intentions? What is wrong with me?

Sometimes I wonder if other people have these feelings as well. I always try to think about it in an objective way, you know. Why would I think about myself as being so different to others? In some way it sounds logical; I am myself and I always perceive other people. Everyone works like that. So could that be the reason I think I’m this different? Does everybody think about themselves as some outsider, the one who doesn’t belong?

Or am I the only one to think I wouldn’t be here if natural selection still existed?

I’m a failure.

Do I like Codey? Could that be the reason I want to tell him the truth? You know, if you’d ask me if I would want to kiss him, I think the answer would be yes. But, I like kissing Sam as well, so that doesn’t mean a lot. I like Sam, but not in that way. Am I bi?

Oh no, here he comes.

“Hey Matt,” Codey says. “Before you say anything, I want to apologise. I shouldn’t have acted like that and I’m sorry.”

“I understand. I think I would’ve reacted the same way if you’d found out about me.”

“But you didn’t do anything wrong, I thought you would hate me for it,” he replies.

Shit, he didn’t understand what I just said? I just came out to him and he didn’t even notice it??

“And you probably will. I don’t want to lose you, Matt. You’re the first person ever since…” He stays quiet for some seconds. “I started to think of you as a friend.”

“I am a friend.”

“I like you as a friend, but I want to tell you something, I can’t withhold this from you. I know you won’t ever want to see me again, but I kinda like you more than a friend. ”Wait? This isn’t what was supposed to happen! No! I need things to go according to plan. I can’t just tell him I’m gay as well, that won’t solve things, that’d make them even more complex. Seriously, if there is a god somewhere, he really has a bad sense of humour. What should I do now?

Wow, he likes me. He likes me? How could he like me? What’s there to like? I’m not even myself, so which me does he like? The one on the outside or the one on the inside? I know the one on the inside is weird, confusing and a lot more, but the one on the outside is bad as well, right? I never intended someone to like the outside me and that whole personality is totally made up, so how could something non-intended happen?

“I knew it. I knew it! I’m so sorry, sooo sorry,” Codey starts crying. It stops abruptly though, because crying when someone’s lips are on yours isn’t very practical.

God, stop playing with me! I’m right in the open. Oh no, not now. What am I doing? Shit! I feel my heart beating but I’m not sure that’s because of the tension from my immediate regret or because I’m kissing this wonderful boy.

I’m never returning home after going on my bicycle trip.

I cry and I kiss.