Holiday/Christmas Themed Story: A Life's Worth - 1. A Life's Worth

A Life’s Worth

By W.L

(Dec 20^th, 1983)

In the depths of night, Clarence Bailey, a 13 year old boy residing in Bedford Falls, is awoken by his happiest dreams yet. Though it may be the holidays, he is far too old for sugar plums and Santa Claus in his dreams. No, the happiness was not based on childhood pleasures. He is having his first adult experiences; joys that come from within oneself rather than a seasonal celebration. At first, he felt the ecstasy and excitement that such dreams create in young men. He felt the heat of the moment, raw pleasure of flesh, and the inescapable calling of his heart. However, as he begins to piece the meaning of the dream images and his own feelings together, his expression changed. He began to shift from joy to fear. This was the moment he knew he was different. People react to fear in many different ways. Some run away from the object of their fears to deny it battle; others face it with courage and conviction. For those, who had outgrown the need to run from the dangers of life and not gained the confidence in their own ability, all that is left is prayer.

Prayer is the last refuge of the desperate, but human beings have forgotten its true use. Mankind has minimized its meaning and necessity through use in the simplest issues and desires; rather than a plea for divine intervention or need for greater truth. Does one need to confess all ills and wrongs? Does one need the winning lottery ticket to fulfill all coveted dreams? No, but the promise of redemption and rewards of material gain is far easier to accept.

Yet, this boy’s prayers are earnest and true. His fears are derived from something ancient within all men and women, partly spiritual and partly biological. There is nothing particularly good or evil in any sexuality, but the implication is homosexuality is evil through the negation of progeny. Due to that belief, the boy is trapped, and desperate in his prayers

“God, do you hear me? I don’t want to feel this way. Can you make it go away? I don’t want the other guys to beat me up. I don’t want to die from the disease like those people on the TV. I don’t want Bobby to think I am a freak for feeling what I do for him; I just want to be a normal kid. Grandpa George says you helped him out a long time ago and you can help anyone with their problems as long as I have faith. Please God, if you do this for me, I’ll do anything for you.”

Bargaining is not part of faith; it is uniquely human in design. Faith is meant to sustain one, when no other support is available. When human beings begin to bargain with faith, they lose themselves to their own fears far more often than they realize. Faith does not rely on bargaining, exchanges, or commitment. As long as one believes, it sustains you without any need for gratitude or appreciation. Mankind was never denied mercy or unconditional love from God or whatever you may call the things beyond comprehension. Man’s own interpretations and need for complexity leads to his own suffering. There is no fault in interpreting the unknown, but beyond interpretation, there must be examination.

(Dec 20^th, 1998)

The boy grew older and became a man of God to keep his promise; he was now known as Reverend Bailey, the “Hammer” of the Word. In his mind, he believes as long as he holds his faith, he will be “saved” from sin. He built his life upon that promise, preaching to others the need to give everything to God in order to receive salvation. As his words spread, he became a powerful man whom millions clung to with their hopes and dreams. He wrote books, appeared on television, and created an organization that defended the faith. As time passed, he fought against all the traditional evils to his “faith”: Evolution, Abortion, and ultimately any semblance to Homosexuality. As his faith was based on his fear and denial of his own sexuality, his attacks increasingly grew against any alternative sexuality.

His greatest attack formed when he was invited to be a pundit on Ethan Bishop’s local news panel after the notorious Laramie incident. Gone was the young boy with the deep seeded fears; instead, those fears have become hate. Sympathy never formed for others who could have been his friends or lovers; they were sinners to him, mere monsters to be destroyed to secure his salvation.

The host of the program produced a gay rights activist, who contemptuously looked on at his opponent. The host did not choose his opponent at random; this man was Robert Potter, Bailey’s own childhood best friend, who was Reverend Bailey’s mirror image.

The Potter family fortune had dwindled over the years in Bedford Falls. Henry Potter had no children, thus at his death, his wealth was spread among his few living relatives. Robert Potter’s father inherited a piece of the wretched man’s fortune, which he used to do philanthropic works, turning the wretched bordellos and gin joints into shelters and soup kitchens. By the time Robert Potter became a man, he was merely an average man with moderate means.

The Bailey family fortune had risen through the years to heights of power and majesty their patriarch George had never believed possible. His small Savings and Loans became a Community Mutual bank with branches across several states and assets in 1998 well over a billion dollars. George Bailey left his business to his son, Peter. Peter had several children including his youngest son, Clarence Bailey. Though his elder brothers took over the family banking business, he aided it with his proselytizing with the occasional advertisement for “Bailey’s Mutual checking and home loans” along with the mention of low rates on ARM Option loans. In return, the family banking business donated hefty amounts to Reverend Bailey’s organization. This practice was common among many churches with local and national banks in the country from minor players like Continental Bank in Florida to the giants like Washington Mutual in Washington State. As one national bank executive would later put it, God was feeding their business during the housing boom.

The two men and their families diverged over decades, becoming more selfish and kind than either George Bailey or Henry Potter could have imagined. Human beings change based on character and surroundings, no truth remains eternal. The spirit of good business practices, community prosperity, and American exceptionalism made George Bailey a hero in his time, but his own descendants took the mantle in a Different America filled with excess. In reflection to the destructive nature of Henry Potter, his descendants chose a path towards humility and redemption in spite of an America that men like Henry Potter created. The first will be last and last will be first; the just will fall to desire and the selfish will rise to compassion. For these two men, it is a tragedy of consequences based on paths, not their own.

In a different world and different place, perhaps they could have kept their friendship, build their trust in one another, and even more. Yet, they chose separate paths. Reverend Bailey chose to deny his best friend, bully him in school, and broke any remaining bonds that had existed. The host knew only about their broken friendship turned bitter rivalry. The secret desires which held Reverend Bailey’s faith remain his secret alone, not even Bobby suspected.

As the lights began to blink and glow, the host announced the panel: “Welcome viewers to another exciting segment of our “1998: Topics in Review” panel. For our first segment, we shall review the Laramie incident with two extremely divergent views. As many of you know, a gay college student, named Matthew Sheppard, was murdered in the town of Laramie, Wyoming two months. According to police reports, the killers targeted him due to homosexuality. Reverend Clarence Bailey is a well-respected leader in the community with the slogan of Bailey’s Mutual fresh on everyone’s minds with their promotion “an honest break with an honest rate”. On the other side, we have Mr. Robert Potter, a gay rights activists and small business owner. Mr. Potter is a local leader of the gay community, here in Bedford Falls. We are happy to have you both here”

Rev. Bailey nods slightly, then replies with an air of dignified authority, “Thank you, Mr. Bishop for having me on this esteemed program to discuss a serious topic of conscience. I pray for the young man and hope he had reflected upon his errs in life that led to his early death.”

Robert Potter stared at his former friend with restrained anger: “I wish to thank you Mr. Bishop for the chance to speak about this injustice and unwarranted murder. If everyone had clear consciences in the world, certain prejudices and bigotry would not be allowed to persist in this world.”

The host grew excited over the first of what he hoped to be many belligerent exchanges: “Gentlemen, the death of Mr. Sheppard in Wyoming has raised national attention towards violence against gays, lesbians, and bisexuals in the US today. Reverend Bailey in your 1996 book, “The American Path to Salvation”, you wrote homosexuality was “more than a vice, it was a destructive sin that must be fought by any means necessary”. Do you still hold the same belief after this incident?”

Rev. Bailey had planned his response: “I also wrote “God is the Love that cleanses sinners” in the same book. The sin must be fought with all the means at our disposal, including showing the sinner the love of the Lord.”

Robert Potter grew noticeably irate with the pronouncement: “So, God is a cosmic paper towel, which cleans up sinners like stains on a counter top. Is that what you think we are, just stains to be cleansed? That’s how the logic of genocide begins; cleaning a stain on society was the first line many use to justify themselves. It wasn’t a plan for concentration camps or a final solution; no, it began with the inhuman notion that a certain characteristic must be removed. We’re not stains; we’re people with our own lives, our own issues, and our own needs.”

Rev. Bailey countered tersely: “I never said homosexuals are stains. You are manipulating my words in order to reach your own conclusions. The gay agenda hides itself with colorful imagery and comparisons. I am not a Nazi or a mass murderer; I am a man of God. What homosexuals are doing Mr. Potter is sinful and immoral according to God. Yet, I have said nothing about bringing death to them. The homosexual agenda seeks to create a perception of being victims in a crime, but I ask my fellow Christians and Americans alike, are we committing these heinous atrocities Mr. Potter would lead you to believe? With God as my witness, I say with absolute faith and certainty, No! What happened was a tragic case brought on by sinful behavior. If Mr. Sheppard were not a homosexual, he would not have been struck down.”

The host began to interject between the two rivals; he had gotten what wanted from the first exchange. Overall Reverend Bailey won the first bout with his moderate tone and dexterous oratory. Still, he wanted his audience to rile up with anger from both angles. He began a new line of questioning centered on Mr. Potter.

The Host called out loudly, “Gentlemen, we should move on…” then he opened with his second question, “Mr. Potter, according to verified news reports coming out, Mr. Sheppard was HIV positive. Some critics have begun to reason that Mr. Sheppard’s own sexual promiscuity was a contributing factor to his death. How would you react to such claims?”

Robert Potter stared at the host for a moment, then the camera with a combination of emotions: “He was a gay kid with problems. Is it a crime to be imperfect? Reverend Bailey would have you believe human beings should be valued based upon a litmus test from on high, but people are imperfect. Mr. Sheppard did not hide his HIV status from potential partners and he was wary of sexual contact and blood exposure. Those critics who denounce him for promiscuity know nothing about his care or personal responsibilities due to his illness. In reality, HIV can be contracted by many means and random odds without promiscuity. I personally do not know how he contracted the disease, but I don’t presume to judge him based upon a stereotype.”

After a few seconds of silence, the host turned towards Reverend Bailey, “Reverend Bailey, what do you make of this claim?”

Rev. Bailey shook his head in disagreement with what was said: “The world is based on values, Mr. Potter. We hold values in order to better ourselves and better our prospects. It is not a matter of perfection, which is a level reserved for God, but the need to measure ourselves by standards. My values and those like me are against such proliferation of sinful acts such as homosexuality. To continue committing acts that are sinful by nature, the young man brought himself to his end. Furthermore, the young man had a very dangerous and fatal disease, which is fact. His lifestyle makes it highly likely his sexual preferences generated such a disease.”

Robert Potter did not wait for the host to ask for a rebuttal: “Bailey, how dare you presume to be the judge of others? What makes your values right? You can quote Leviticus and Romans for justification, but where did Jesus or God himself say what I am is a sin? Nowhere in the Bible was it said by God himself that my people should be judged as sinners! For two thousand years, it was people like you that spoke for God on this subject. You are here lecturing me and others about arbitrary values!”

Reverend Bailey lost his composure for the first time in this exchange: “Bobby, being gay is sinful and wrong. The world does not and will never accept people who defy convention and values. God does not need to say it, because everyone knows it in their hearts and souls. This act is unnatural. When you go out with a man, do you feel it is natural? Do you see restaurants filled with people like you? The gay agenda masquerades normalcy with selective renditions: an isolated restaurant here, an “independent” theatre, and gay neighborhoods. They hide in their world, because they know the reality is there is no true acceptance outside of it.”

The host noticed that he was near a break in his segment and cut the argument short: “Well, it seems we have very divergent ideas concerning the topic of homosexuality. I thank you gentlemen for your time and opinions, but we must move on to our next segment on American Intervention in the Balkans. Please stay tuned.”

Both men were angry at each other for the words that were exchanged, but they were also shaken by the emotions generated by their short meeting. Reverend Bailey in particular wrestled with his own double standards. He had a wife and a son, extreme success, and he held the hearts of millions in his hands. Yet, behind it all, he knew he was missing something. What Robert Potter said about the arbitrary nature of his values rang through his mind, like bells.

He could hear whispers from some unseen source in his grandfather’s voice, “Trust your friends” and “Honesty is the best policy”. His grandfather was notorious for those old corny lines about friendship and integrity. Though his Christian values complement those traits, his repressed sexuality and his own pride kept him at odds with the truth. The failure to acknowledge his innate traits would come back to ruin him.

(2008)

Ten years have passed since that exchange. Ten years of life passed for Reverend Bailey and his family. He has grown older, and his situation has changed for the worst. In 2004, Bailey’s Mutual began lending subprime mortgages throughout their branches. The practices netted the family bank tens of billions of dollars in returns. Reverend Bailey expanded his ministry into more rural and impoverished areas, where he and his disciples preached their beliefs and helped lead their believers through the doors of Bailey’s Mutual. Thousands of people placed their faith in God and through Reverend Bailey, his trusted family bank. As his influence and power rose, Reverend Bailey created the first of many new initiatives, the “One Family” group. This group delivered the message God demanded all marriages to be of “One Man and One Woman”. Through his influence and wealth, he created a program, Salvation from Sin, to “save” people from the sin of homosexuality. He preached about prayer, personal abstinence, and instilling in all people, including children, the belief that everyone must combat the plague of homosexuality.

Robert Potter fought him with marches, fought him with testimonials on how unrealistic his “cure” was for homosexuality, and even pleas for common sense to triumph over blind faith. Yet, few heard his pleas and even fewer acted upon it. Why would Americans want to listen as they were making millions of dollars flipping their homes or getting an equity line? To them, God has graced them with wealth as a reward for their faith and what Reverend Bailey has preached was paying off. They did not understand the complex dynamics of an economic system based on unrealistic expectations; they had faith in Reverend Bailey’s words.

In 2008, everything began to fall apart. The subprime mortgage issuers began to cut back due to slower growth, and then the Wall Street banks stopped buying mortgages for sale from community banks due to fear over values. The community banks with too much money invested in mortgages they could not sell began to slow down and raise rates on their non-fixed rate mortgages. Those who followed Reverend Bailey’s words did not all have the means to pay these new rates and had to default. As this chain of buyers and sellers unraveled, community banks realized they had overinvested their own money into these mortgages that could not be sold and their own cash was not strong enough to keep up with demands. Thus the mutual banks began to falter, including Bailey’s Mutual. By October 2008, Bailey’s mutual had failed and was placed under receivership by the American Federal Deposit Insurance Corporation.

During the dismal decline of his fortune in 2008, Reverend Bailey began to frequent less reputable venues. At first, he heard about them from his disciples as places of sin, where prostitutes, drug dealers, and all sorts of undesirable characters conducted their business. They were small motels outside bustling cities, bars and lounges off the beaten path, or simply truck stops that have seen better days. He did not know what possessed him to visit these places, but he began to frequent them more and more as his troubles grew. He began to use narcotics like Cocaine and Heroin, which he knew was dangerous. However, what shocked him most was when he awoke from his drug-induced stupors he was in the company of male prostitutes. These facts could not be hidden for long from scandal seeking investigative reporters. Pictures, videos, and witnesses appeared in September, but Reverend Bailey firmly denied it. His secret escapades were always mentioned along with any news of Bailey’s Mutual; even after its failure. His flock began to leave him as they questioned his fidelity to his own beliefs and, in bitter irony, challenged his values. Beyond his fortune and career, the story dragged him and his immediate family through many confrontations. While the Bailey family was a close-knit clan under George Bailey, decades of wealth and prestige had worn down any family unity that remained. Peter Bailey was too decrepit and senile to know what his children had done to his father’s bank, and his youngest son’s actions were unknown to him. Rev. Bailey’s brothers and sisters were too busy scouring the family fortune for whatever little they could cling onto; they had no time to support or shame him for his actions. In the end, it was his own wife that brought him to his knees through a confrontation.

At the confrontation on December 24^th 2008, Stephanie Bailey, Rev. Bailey’s wife, had a heated argument with him at dinner in full view of his teenage son Joshua. She had discovered to her shock and fear he had contracted full blown AIDS while rummaging through his personal files for bank statements. She had planned on divorcing him and taking their son, but she wanted some semblance of financial security.

She was furious and tossed the sheets of medical records at him: “Do you know what you have done to me? Do you know what you have done to our family? You sick son of a bitch!”

Rev. Bailey looked at his medical records with tears welling in his eyes: “Steph, I didn’t…I wasn’t…” he paused as his voice cracked, “I am sorry”.

She did not accept his apology, nor did she relent on her fury: “Clarence, while you were busy scoring rocks and sucking cocks from faggots, did you ever think about us? Did you think about me? We’ve been married for nearly 17 years with great joy given to us from God. Yet, you would spit in his face with this abomination. After finding these papers, I went to doctors for my own test. I am positive, too. You gave me the mark of your sins. I am damned along with you.”

Rev. Bailey in despair ran out of the house without a word to either his wife or son. He was ashamed of himself, ashamed of his urges, and ashamed of the harm he brought onto his family. He wandered towards the old bridge at the edge of Bedford Falls.

He had heard the story of his grandfather and the Angel that appeared to him, but he never truly believed it. He could not fathom why anyone in his family would ever conceive of suicide with what they had. He could not imagine anyone willing to forsake the life God had bestowed on them. Yet, he now understood the reason. To him, Life had no meaning or purpose left. His family fortune is gone forever. His ministry has been depleted of funds and has no parishioners. His own health is failing him and he can still feel the urge for the next hit of cocaine rising in him. His life is completely worthless…

(Heaven)

George Bailey looks down upon his grandchild’s plight, “Come on Clarence, and don’t give in to self-pity. You can pull through.”

Mary Bailey floated to his side to offer her husband support: “George, you did all you could for the boy and the rest of them. They chose to live the way they did.”

George’s angelic façade faded slightly at the thought of his other grandchildren and the town of Bedford Falls: “We left them too much without giving them the real “values” they needed. People shouldn’t be out for themselves; they should have compassion for their fellow man and live for one another. I can’t say I understand what Clarence feels for other men, but he should try to hold love in his heart, not words or belief.”

Mary shook her head and latched onto George’s forearm: “He tried to do what is right by how the world judges things. Even during the worst times of the Depression, people were not so selfish and single-minded as they are today. We might have lived in a time before all these fancy gadgets and things hooked everyone together into a web, but we knew people and their problems.”

George pondered his wife’s words as he watched his grandson’s movements: “Even so, I don’t want him to die like this. I want to give him another chance like what Clarence Oddbody had done for me, Mary. He has so much life left if he doesn’t give up.”

Mary’s angelic shape lit up like a series of Christmas lights: “George, we’ve already been through this. You can’t go down there without getting approval from the others. Based on Clarence’s case and all the wrongs he committed in God’s name, I don’t think the others will let you. They’ve given him a lot of chances to turn his life around, but he rejected them all. Angelic intervention is reserved for those deserving 2^nd chances.”

George’s halo shimmered with her words: “I know their reasoning and I am not apologizing for what he did wrong or the people he hurt through his actions. I just feel he has more to give to the world and he only needs someone to guide him.”

A soft heavenly choir echoed into existence along with an indeterminate figure: “George, I could help him. I agree with you. Underneath everything else, mankind needs direction.”

In a flash, the choir and being disappeared, leaving George and Mary in shock.

(Bridge)

Rev. Bailey had already put one foot over the railing, when he heard what sounded like a hymn: “Who’s there? Show yourself”

A teenage boy appeared under a light post, he looked very average with glasses, brown hair, and a plain white sweater. He appeared to be around 14-15 years old based on the signs of ongoing puberty and his features. Rev. Bailey felt something dreadful from within him at the sight of the boy; he felt like he should cower or beg for forgiveness. Yet, Rev. Bailey could not remember the boy. The story about the Angel appearing in front of his grandfather came back to him, but this child was definitely no Angel.

The boy moved towards Rev. Bailey with a friendly disposition and a hand out: “Hello, you must be Clarence Bailey. I’ve heard a lot about you from George and Mary. “

Rev. Bailey did not know whether he should take his chances with the jump or taking the hand of this strange boy: “Who are you? Why are you here?”

The boy had reached Rev. Bailey and gently placed his palm over Bailey’s shoulder: “I am what I am, it doesn’t matter. I am here to help you find your path in life.”

Rev. Bailey was still doubting what he had heard and what he felt: “What is your name?”

The boy shook his head: “You know my name, but I prefer you call me Jess.”

With confirmation, Rev. Bailey cursed at the child: “Fuck you, what am I to you, another Job? Am I just another believer you could toss around like a toy? I used to think if I did everything right by you, life would be great.”

Jess smiled at those words as if they were never spoken: “Come on, let’s go somewhere a little warmer.”

(Giuseppe Café)

In a flash of brilliant warm light, they were in a coffee shop. Two cups of steaming hot chocolate were in front of them along with assorted pastries, which Rev. Bailey recognized. This coffee shop was Gluseppe’s Bakery. Giuseppe Martini’s old bar had been converted into a coffee shop during the 1960’s. The Martini family still owned the place, but they decided to set a better example to the community by giving up its liquor business. As his anger subsided, Rev. Bailey began to ponder the many questions in his mind. He has a chance few others have ever had in their lifetime, but he did not know what to ask. Throughout his life, Rev. Bailey had been the man delivering the message of God, but when he comes face to face with the living message, he is quite baffled on what to say.

Rev. Bailey blurted out the first question: “Why…do…you…umm…look like this instead of the other way?”

Jess sips the hot chocolate, then replies: “This face and body are important for you to remember, because you played an important role in his life. Also, what you call my true form has been changed over the centuries to conform to certain beliefs about skin tone and ethnicities.”

Rev. Bailey remembered the arguments on imagery back in seminary, but he had not paid much attention to it. He grew up with one image of his savior etched in his mind, but now staring into the face of another person even if it is borrowed, raises far more questions than he could ask.

Instead of asking a million questions, Rev. Bailey asked one simple one: “Why don’t you correct people, if we’re wrong?”

Jess takes a bite out of a blueberry muffin and offers his next answer: “Why must I correct an interpretation?”

Rev. Bailey began having doubts of Jess’ identity as he pressed his questions: “Did you not say “for I the LORD your God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children to the third and the fourth generation of those who hate me, but showing steadfast love to thousands of those who love me and keep my commandments” in Exodus 4:6. How can you accept false idols and false guises in your name?”

Jess placed his cup of hot chocolate down, but he did not display any sign of anger or resentment at being challenged: “In youth, one is easily tempted to jealousy and envy. With experience and wisdom, one can love all things that were once envied. The worth of a life is not in possessions or power wielded, but the measure of one’s ability to love and hold love with others. Have you ever asked yourself why I can both be jealous and merciful? In essence, neither can be true at the same time. Perhaps, what you do not see is I have changed over time along with mankind.”

Rev. Bailey eyes grew wide at this revelation, which he could not accept: “You’re lying to me! You are not who you say you are. How can God only feel love towards others? Where is his wrath for false idols? Where is his swift sword? Speak the truth; tell me why you are here? What do you intend for me?”

With the final bite of blueberry muffin swallowed, Jess answered his question: “I think I said this once “Wrath and vengeance are my burdens, but love and hope is for all to share”. I wished they had written that down along with everything else in their books, but human perception is narrow….Now as for my reasoning for helping you, I wanted to shine a light into a world of darkness, show consequences for the sake of others, and offer you a choice to face a world of your own making.”

Before Rev. Bailey could ask any more questions, another strange flash occurred.

(Robert Potter’s Home)

In a moment, they were inside a comfortable living room. There was a small Christmas tree in the corner, decorated with ornaments and trinkets. There were no presents under the tree, nor was there any stockings hanging by the mantle. The room felt pleasant enough and welcoming to others, but it held no signs of family. Bailey did not know why he had been brought to this placed, until he saw the figure sitting on the leather seat.

At the sudden sight of his rival, Rev. Bailey shouted: “You!”

Jess softly chimed: “He can’t hear your screams. To him, he is completely alone in this room. Of course, no one is ever truly alone. He is a good man at heart and in action, but he has spent many holidays alone after the death of his family. Despite his loneliness, he does not allow it to consume his love of his fellow man.”

Rev. Bailey angrily shouts at his guide: “So what are you telling me? Fags are not sinners and I have wasted half my life trying to cleanse it in vain.”

Jess calmly responded: “You knew this fact throughout your life. You questioned those words that would deny you entry to Heaven, you questioned those truths that would allow you to show sympathy for others, and you questioned those beliefs that had seen more tragedy than merit. Yet, you never acted upon them.”

----

A cell phone began to play to the tune of Mariah Carey’s All I want for Christmas. It came from Ethan Bishop, the old news reporter, and Robert Potter answered it with the speakerphone option:

Robert: Happy Holidays, what can I do for you Ethan?

Ethan: “Hello, Bobby, well I was planning on doing a New Years’ program about gay rights’ issues again and thought it would be great to have you on. I know you were organizing donations with the Proposition 8 battle in California.

Robert: I am interested in appearing, but tell me the topics you will cover Ethan. Beyond Proposition 8, there are legal battles going on in Iowa I also want to highlight.

Ethan: No problem, but I also want to take your pulse on the recent revelation of Reverend Bailey’s sexuality and indiscretions along with the failure of his family’s bank

A pause covered the room as Rev. Bailey waited to hear what he presumed would be another strike at his heart.

Robert: No thanks Ethan, Clarence has had a horrible year and I don’t want to pour salt over old wounds

Ethan: He is a horrible human being. I would think you’d be more than happy to roast him in front of America. Plus, his connections with big banks and special interests make him a good touchstone to help enlist more support for your movement.

Robert: Ethan, I am not going to do it. I know there’s probably a dozen other gay guys, who would like nothing better than to bash him for his hypocrisy and go after him for what he had done. If I go down that road, I am no better than he is. Besides, I don’t want to make a political link between religion and Wall Street.

Ethan: Fine, but you are still on for the other GLBT issues for 2008. I will grab the local chapter president of National Organization for Marriage.

Robert: You got yourself a deal.

---

As the phone call ended, Rev. Bailey looked to Jess: “Why didn’t he go through with it? I ruined my own life, slept with men, and the public hatred for banking has never been higher. His side just lost a major battle; I would imagine he would be desperate to seek any type of support.

Jess shook his head: “He does not wish to harm you. Despite what you have done to him and others, he holds mercy and sympathy. As for the link between you and your family’s money lending, no one is highlighting this fact due to uncertainty. They fear what it means about themselves and their own faith, so they seek to hide behind the veil.”

Rev. Bailey touched by his old friends loyalty and care, went up to Robert Potter: “I know this might be too little, too late, but I am sorry. I should have been a better friend; I should have told you. Despite all that has come between us, you still are my friend. Thank you for being a friend.”

In his mind, Reverend Bailey began to remember himself. He was not merely a man of God, he was Clarence Bailey. His friend’s unilateral gesture of mercy made him remember happier times with Robert Potter. He wished he could take back the last three decades of their lives and make amends to him. Yet before he could plead his wish with Jess, another flash enveloped them, but Clarence Bailey kept his eyes on Robert Potter for as long as he could until he was merely a shadow.

(Clarence Bailey’s Home)

As the unfamiliar living room disappeared, a familiar sight greeted him. He looked around the well adorned reading room, which he knew well as each fixture carried a story of his life. There was an original copy of the Gutenberg Bible on one shelf, a Crusader’s crest on another shelf, and at the far wall facing the armoire was a solid ivory Cross. This was his home. Yet, he dreaded the appearance of his wife and their son. He had ran away from them merely hours before after she revealed his issue with AIDS and her infection by him. Clarence Bailey at first thought the diagnosis was wrong, when he had first discovered it during his physical in August. He tried to deny it as he denied his sexuality throughout his life. Still, he did not warn his wife or the male prostitutes that would surround him during his drug expeditions. He knew law suits were pending against him from those men and his wife would probably follow suit very soon. He had very little left to give them as his ministry’s assets began to dry up with the financial crisis and his own share in Bailey’s Mutual being worthless.

Joshua Bailey came into the room, knelt down, and began to pray: “God, please forgive me, I didn’t mean to be the way I am. I know all of this is punishment for my sin; I shouldn’t have done it and I have already lost so much due to my sin. Don’t make my dad suffer, he does not deserve it for all the good work he has done in your name. Please strike me down now and leave my family alone.”

Clarence Bailey looked over at Jess in shock: “He’s a homosexual, too. I didn’t even think it was possible; he was raised with strict values and morals. Why did he become a homosexual?”

Jess stared at the ivory cross made in the image that never resembled his: “He is himself. You are yourself, but I am not that” his fingers pointing to the ivory cross and the figure held on it, “My sacrifice was real, but not based on gold and ivory. You cannot change who you are to fit an image you want yourself to be. You may believe I am that figure upon an ivory cross, a silver cross, or even a gold cross, but I am who I am.”

Clarence Bailey’s tears began to slowly well as he responded: “Then, why did they keep telling the same story?”

Jess offered Clarence a tissue: “I do not need worship or praise in my name, because what I did was for the benefit of all mankind. Yet, why do so many seek to praise me and worship me with rituals that were never mine? They want to believe in me for their own sake and justifications. Ask yourself this simple question, why would I need praise if with a mere thought, I could turn water into wine, land into sea, and raise the dead to life? No, I do not need to be praised to be remembered, but mankind seeks power, wealth, and strength through symbols. In my name, tyrant’s rules with iron fists, thieves lived in palaces of marble, and the meek are supplicant to those who invoke me.”

Clarence Bailey could not hold his tears back as his regret grew ever greater with each passing moment in that room with his son. As another flash carried them off to yet another scene, Clarence Bailey wished for damnation for all he had done in false worship and false callings.

(Jess’s Home)

After all he had witnessed from his friend’s loyalty to his son’s prayers of mercy Clarence was prepared to drown in the fiery rivers of hell. He was guilty of many crimes against the people he loved and cared for, but nothing prepared Clarence for what he was about to see. As his eyes began to focus upon an unfamiliar bedroom, a pair of dangling feet drew his full attention. A body swayed back and forth by a rope tied to the ceiling fan. There was no motion in the arms and no flailing in the feet, because it was dead. As Clarence Bailey looked up towards the face of the dead, he fell backwards at the sight of Jess.

Clarence Bailey grew fearful: “Why have you shown me this?”

Jess’ voice answers in an echo: “He died for your cause, Clarence. Read the letter upon the table.”

Upon the table was a handwritten letter, Clarence began to read

“To Kris and Janet, you were great friends and kept me going longer than I thought I could. Don’t blame yourselves for what I am about to do, it is just life sucks on this side of the rainbow.

To Mom, I know you pray and cry for me every day. I know you and Dad spent a lot of money to send to Arizona to cure this thing. Please, don’t feel like you failed me; I couldn’t have asked for a better mom.

To Dad, I guess I am really so screwed up not even God can save me. If you’re right, I’ll probably end up in hell and get fucked by pitchforks for all eternity.

To Josh, you were the one made me believe in hope and love.

To everyone else, you got your wish finally; the faggot is gone”

As Clarence finished reading the letter, he remembered Jess’ face, he knew the boy from his youth group. He was 15 years old and part of his son’s group before it was discovered he was a homosexual. Josh Bailey was only 13 at the time and Clarence did notice their affection for one another. When his sexual orientation was discovered, he put pressure on Jess’ parents to send him to a facility in Arizona to cleanse him of his homosexuality, which was owned by him.

As this revelation began to hit him, one last flash returned them to the bridge:

(Bridge)

He was standing by the railings again and Jess stood by his side. There were many words he could say to this being out of despair, grief, and self-pity. Yet, Clarence selected what he thought were the best words he could say to him: “It was my fault you died, Jess. I guess that’s what you wanted me to accept throughout all these visions, God. I lived by a code I thought was drawn from you, but it was in fact my own twisted creation. Now, what do I have left in the world? My son will never forgive me for what I have done to his lover. My former best friend will never accept me as he once could have without my self-hatred. My wife and many others I wronged are doomed to suffer for my mistakes.”

The image of Jess changed from a teenage boy to a featureless man, whose voice boomed: “Clarence, you have a choice before you. You know what awaits you in life, if you choose to remain. You will have much to struggle against, an illness without a cure, a broken family, and a lost friendship. I cannot tell you if you can repair what you have broken, but there is always hope…” he paused, “If you choose death here and now, your soul will be condemned to hell for several centuries until you are ready to move on. The choice is yours…”

Author’s Thoughts:

I wanted to write a Christmas story based on the source and a reflection on the religion that came from it. I know this is not orthodox mode of thinking or what the majority of people would think in terms of Christ. However, I feel like it is time someone lay bare the issue of Christian beliefs, icons based on personal perception, and the incipient growth of greed among Denominations.

In a way, I am drawing a Christian allegory and a parallel concept from It's a Wonderful life; bad people make mistakes based not on their own innate evil, but their own self-image and self-delusion.

Instead of just using an Angel to reveal goodness in human actions as in the classic story, I thought it was best to use Christ himself in my story to reflect on a man's self-delusion. Of course, I did not technically use his name or image, because to me, Christ should remain a figure without facets, without race, without bias as the guide for Clarence Bailey.

Hope this story finds you well,

- WL